Hemoglobin High, Vampire Bears, Social Media Crocodiles

Carrie, the Stephen King book-turned movie, came out in 1976 and featured a shy and bullied teenage girl with telekinetic powers turning her high school prom into the Annual Pig Blood Ball. If you remember the carnage, you weren’t there. Now you can relive (sorry, no pun intended) those cherished school moments with the Arrow Video’s™ Limited 4K Ultra HD upgrade. That’s groovy and all, but this thing is being restored in 4K from the original negative, this collector’s edition “provides the film’s definitive release.” 

But wait — there’s more! The upgrade comes with so many extras, you’ll miss your own prom while trying to get through all of it. Some highlights included Acting Carrie – archive featurette containing interviews with director Brian De Palma, actors Sissy Spacek, Piper Laurie, Amy Irving, William Katt and others, a limited edition 40-page perfect bound book featuring writing on the film by Neil Mitchell, author of Devil’s Advocates: Carrie, a reprint of the Final Girls’ 40th anniversary Carriezine, and an archive interview with Brian De Palma, and six double-sided collector’s postcards. Of course there’s more, but it’s best you just preorder it (click here) and impatiently wait until it ships until January 22, 2024. P.S. This is a screaming deal at £30.00 UK/$36.41 US.

So while we all relive our high school prom without all the screaming/slaughtering (by comparison my high school was so boring), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you covered in scholastic swine squeezings…

MONSTER GRIZZLY / Out now (VOD)

“A terrifying monster grizzly bear comes out of a blinding blizzard to feed on the trapped residents of an isolated town.”

Switch grizzly bear with vampires and you have 30 Days of Night (2007).

CROCODILE ISLAND / November 21, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“A plane malfunction lands a single father and his daughter on Crocodile Island, in an area around the Devil’s Sea also known as the Bermuda Triangle of Asia. They and the other survivors must battle enormous crocodiles and spiders in an epic battle for their very survival.”

This impressive giant monster movie came out in China in the year 2020. Go on YouTube™ to watch the trailer — this crocodile is basically Meg, but with legs. (Meg Legs — heh.)

TIK/CROC / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“An enormous crocodile makes headlines when its terrifying rampage is caught on social media. With the world’s eyes set on witnessing the beast in action, a local high school student, desperate for cash and fame, sets out on a dangerous mission to capture it all on her TikTok™ account.”

Jumping the gun YET AGAIN as this one hasn’t even started filming. But the teaser art is so cool, like social media idiots, I just couldn’t help myself by posting it now without thinking it through.

THEY FOLLOW / Release pending 2024 (Theaters, VOD)

“Jay Height is a young woman followed by an unknown supernatural force after a sexual encounter. In 2024, the threat is now EVERYWHERE.”

Yep, this is the overdue sequel to 2014’s modern horror classic It Follows — and it stars the same girl from that movie. Note to selfie: The ad art is just a teaser. Once official art comes down the pipeline, someone (possibly me) will swap it out.

Bubble Monsters, Erotically Dead, Alien Beer Delivery

Super7.com, a treasure chest where you can buy endless toy iterations of your fav-o-rite horror movie characters (and other ridiculously cool stuff), now has Universal Monsters Super Soapies. This reminds me of that old joke: “Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid? Well, he’s back in town and looking for you!” My old buddy Jim Rose from the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow told me that one back in the day. Still cracks me up.

From Super7’s website: “We’re positively popping with Halloween hijinx over the new orange and green colorway of the Universal Monsters Super Soapies! It’s practically a Halloween silver screen movie marathon of vintage characters with Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, Creature from the Black Lagoon, Bride of Frankenstein, The Mummy, and The Invisible Man, all modeled after novelty bubble bath bottles of the 1960s. These 10” Universal Monsters Super Soapies bottles hold approx. 15 oz of soapy solution that can be used to blow bubbles with the bubble wand attached to the screw-off top. You’ll be positively bubbling over with Halloween spirit thanks to these special variant Universal Monsters Super Soapies!” P.S. These Soapies also come in regular color and black and white versions. Wheeeee!

The entire set will set you back $120 pocket clams or $20 for a single Soapie. (Don’t chintz out — click this and get all of ’em.) So while we all soap up, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not blow…

MARIA / Out now Argentina (VOD)

In 2024, Maria Black is one of the biggest and most prolific naughty movie performers. When she falls into a coma after a car crash, her medical outlook is weak. Then her body disappears from the hospital and media speculation is rife, but soon the news cycle moves on. Amazingly, in 2027 it seems Maria has been reborn and is anxious to resume her erotic film career. Director Dario George wants her to appear in his new production, but when she tragically dies mid-shoot, he hatches a shocking plan to cover up the accident. However, Maria is now part of The Metropolis Project and is out for revenge.”

They had me at prolific naughty movie performer.

BONDED / Out now (VOD)

“A doctor and his group of friends are stalked while on their annual trip. The stalker turns out to be a psychologically disturbed patient from Doctor Reeve’s past.”

Thanks for taking the guesswork out of it.

PROJECT EERIE / Out now (VOD)

“On Halloween 2020 teenage brothers Jesse and Jacob Warner disappeared while live-streaming on social media. This is that live stream…”

Wish more social media live-streamers would disappear.

BIG BROOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Adam’s plan to propose to Allie hits a snag when he must win over her skeptical father. Little does this family know that a much bigger problem crashed down in the woods: a body-snatching hive alien, and it’s looking for its perfect host.”

If I were a body-snatching alien, I think a perfect host would be a beer delivery truck driver. Think about it. 

Military vs. Monsters, Worldwide Scary Monsters, Marriage Monster

A recent re-posted article from a pro-military website on Yahoo! News had this headline: 5 Military Solutions to Horror Movie Villains, stating ways to take down seemingly impervious horror icons Freddy Krueger, Leatherface, Michael Myers, Pinhead and, oddly, Imhotep, aka The Mummy. What, about Predator, Alien, or Jason? (An argument could also be made for Pennywise, Chucky and that a-hole Leprechaun fellow.) And it should be noted, no branch of the military has ever been able to take out Godzilla. The same cannot be said for Zilla bestie, Kong. So here’s how the military would stop the unstoppable…

FREDDY KRUEGER

“A team of CIA Special Activities Center operatives could do a simple snatch and grab to pull Freddy into the real world. Once he’s vulnerable, they would be able to neutralize him in no time.” (Until it’s bedtime. Then good luck with that.)

PINHEAD

“Using full-body mesh armor can negate Pinhead’s hooks and prevent your troops from being taken prisoner. Since there’s no real way to kill Pinhead, the best one could hope for is restraining him. Since much of his body is filled with metal, the best way would be the use of a powerful electromagnet. Like Myers, he can be restrained or studied until he can be sent back into the puzzle from whence he came. Once in the puzzle, he is no longer a threat.” (My body is filled with metal as well — Motorhead, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Slayer — so the military can’t hurt me, either. In your face, U.S. military!) 

MICHAEL MYERS

“Myers spent ten years in a coma during the series and has been stunned a number of times for long periods. He’s also not immune to chemical injections. The solution to Michael Myers is to stun him with tranquilizer guns long enough to get him to a black site where he can be contained and studied.” (Uh, have they not seen any of the Halloween movies? This will just add to MM’s already impressive body count.)

LEATHERFACE

“The house where Leatherface lives is made of wood, which makes it a soft target for thermite incendiary bombs. Thermite delivered by artillery or aerial bombing — like those used in World War II — would reduce the house and anyone inside to ashes.” (And everyone else in the neighborhood, namely ME. Likely effective, but a tad on the overkill side.)

IMHOTEP

“Burn the scroll that kept him alive before turning him into dust. This would easily be accomplished with a GBU-43/B Massive Ordinance Air Blast bomb on his location. If he could survive the first one because the spell hadn’t been destroyed, a second GBU-43/B would do the trick. Also, reading from the Book of Amun-Ra to strip him of immortality. Issuing photocopies of the passage from the book to a number of special operators would ensure the passage could be read in his presence before taking him down with a standard Mozambique drill.” (Actually, this makes sense — air bomb the spell scroll that grants him immortality and then blow the gift wrap off him.)  

So while we call BS on the military for wasting tax payer dollars on trying to take down the un-take down-able instead of, like, Nazis, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be watchable by those in the Armed Services…

SCARIEST MONSTERS IN THE WORLD / Out now (Tubi™)

“A documentary discussing various so-called monsters around the world.”

I watched this. The monsters were not that scary as I did not pee my pants. This time.

LISA FRANKENSTEIN / February 14, 2024 (Theaters)

“An unpopular high schooler accidentally re-animates a handsome Victorian corpse during a lightning storm and starts to rebuild him into the man of her dreams using the broken tanning bed in her garage.”

I use my tanning bed to reheat leftover pizza and tater tots. Does a pretty good job. Makes a mighty fine grilled cheese, too! Sloppy Joes, not so much. 

WE ARE ZOMBIES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In a city infested with the living-impaired — aka, non-cannibal zombies — three slackers after easy money must fight small-time crooks and an evil mega-corporation to save their kidnapped grandma.”

This one is a Canadian French zombie horror comedy film based on the comic series The Zombies That Ate the World. That said, I hope these guys save their slacker grandma from the evil mega-corporation. I don’t know why evil mega-corporations hate grandmas so much.

BEHOLD! / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“An evil entity focuses on a husband and wife who are grappling with their failed marriage.”

Jumping the gun on this one as it’s post-production is being crowdfunded. Still, they gave it away — the evil entity is clearly a marriage counselor.

Ghost Guests, Werewolf Mom, Fleshy Snacks

This Halloween, HGTV.com (Home & Garden Television™) has some tips on how to live in a haunted house. Some of the advice is practical (“Don’t be afraid”) and others just plain dumb town (“Stay in control”). Here are five of their tips on cohabitation with restless spirits, or what is more accurately defined as super demonic face-eating poltergeists from the unknown nether regions of all that is Dark Stuff…

#1: DON’T BE AFRAID: “Don’t be frightened. Just pay attention, because somebody might be trying to tell you something.” (Are you kidding me? Scream and run out of the house with your pants around your ankles. Then people will take your haunting seriously.)

#2: STAY IN CONTROL: “If you and a ghost disagree on something, as intimidating as it might be, you shouldn’t be afraid to try and get your way. This is your house, and while the ghost can claim it’s his house too, your name is on the mortgage and you’re paying the utilities, mowing the lawn and cleaning the place.” (Good point — when was the last time you heard of a ghost kicking in on the rent? Also know that when it’s their turn to do the dishes, ghosts are usually nowhere to be found. Ghosts roomies can be insensitive dicks sometimes.)

#3: RESEARCH YOUR GHOST: “Documenting instances of unexplained activity, through a journal or video, will also help if you plan on consulting paranormal professionals, also known as ghost hunters, for advice.” (Better still, hire a priest — and I’m not about talking about overdressed/overpaid clergymen. I’m saying hire the heavy metal band Judas Priest to play live in your house, thereby driving out uninvited spirits. And non-metal family members. And false metal rodents. P.S. Make sure you get ’em to sign your British Steel album.)

#4: TALK TO THE GHOST: “Speak aloud to the ghosts and tell them your own personal boundaries. Don’t be afraid to tell them ‘no’ and when to ‘stop’ and thank them when any annoying activities cease. Be polite and treat them like roommates that mean well, but might be a tad on the socially oblivious side.” (Another good point. And while you’re having a ghostly heart-to-non-beating heart chit-chat, tell them to label their food in the fridge. Aside from watching you having a little five-finger personal time, randomly taking food that’s not theirs from the ice box is a boundary-crossing no-no.”

#5: BE APPRECIATIVE: “Be grateful for the extra company. It’s their home, too.” (Screw that! Refer back tip Tip #2. Until a ghost starts chipping in on the rent, then it should be your way or the highway. Hey’s it’s your haunted house, your rules.)

So while we all take living with squatter phantoms with a grain of holy water, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better than rooming with annoying apparitions… 

WOLF LIKE ME SEASON 2 / Out now (Peacock™)

“Mary and Gary leap into the next phase of their relationship and face their biggest challenge yet: pregnancy. Typical anxieties for any expecting couple get exacerbated tenfold when the mom-to-be also happens to be a werewolf.”

In Season 1 (2022) you had to sit through all the six episodes to see Mary in werewolf form. When it finally happened, it was surprisingly cool, even if it wasn’t a romantic drama series I got tricked into watching. So now we get to sit through Season 2’s seven episodes to see if she gives birth to a werebaby. If that thing pops out all hairy ’n sticky, I swear I will l totally load my pantaloons. 

STAY OUT / October 26, 2023 (BET™)

“When Donovan Jones, a businessman travels to rural Georgia to fulfill his late aunt and uncle’s wishes, he learns that Rufus was brutally murdered. In life, Rufus and Velma practiced black magic. In death, Rufus will possess and use Donovan as a vessel to murder those who killed him as well as their descendants.”

I wish my aunt and uncle practiced black magic instead of practicing pinochle to go up against their cutthroat card sharp neighbors. Talk about knives out — yeesh!

WINTERTIDE / November 14, 2023 (VOD)

“Beth, a volunteer watch person of an isolated northern city, battles a plague of depression that transforms the few remaining residents into empty, zombie-like automatons. She discovers that by entering an alternative dimension through her own dreams, she’s able to stave off the illness during the long, possibly endless winter. But will her power be enough to sustain her?’”

Empty, zombie-like automatons…alternate dimension… Is this a movie or Happy Hour at the Tug Tavern?

DO NOT DISTURB / November 17, 2023 (Limited) November 21, 2023 (VOD)

“Chloe and Jack travel to Miami for their honeymoon. Amidst the flashy neon and sunny beaches, they decide that a peyote experience will strengthen their marriage. Unbeknown to them, they’ve been given a rare and powerful strand that awakens a desire to eat human flesh. Confronting their toxic relationship, their suite becomes a den of love, lust and resentment as she realizes that the only way to escape this troubled marriage to an emotionally abusive husband is to literally consume him.”

Usually when people do drugs, they want to eat artificially-flavored cheese snacks. I don’t do drugs, but I could go for some artificially-flavored cheese snacks right about now. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Horror Love Stories, Deathmatch To The Death, Toying With The Devil

The kick ass Gallery 1988 in Glendale, CA is showcasing artist Matt Talbot’s “Romance is (Un)dead” art exhibit, featuring horror movies in the style of vintage romance comics. Clever. And hey, who couldn’t use a little more undead romance in their lives?

The 11×17 prints are based on The Babadook, Halloween, Midsommar, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Pearl, Scream, The Shining, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and What We Do in the Shadows and sell for $25 each. My pocket calculator tells me buying all nine will come to $225. I’ll have to double-check those numbers as my calculator likes to mess with my head.

So while we click this to buy one or nine of these prints, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not mess with your head OR put you in the mood…

THE DEATH OF / October 31, 2023 (IWTV™ Live)

“IWTV™ presents its first ever horror movie, The Death Of, featuring ‘The Atrocity’ Krule vs ‘The Bulldozer’ Matt Tremont in a deathmatch where one must be buried dead or alive! Prepare for a horror experience that melds the raw intensity of deathmatch wrestling with the spine-tingling suspense of the supernatural. On Halloween night, the battle ends once and for all.”

IWTV™ airs independent wrestling matches from all parts known and unknown — and some are often combined with horror (Mad Monster Party, Dead By Dawn, Famous Monsters of Deathmatch). These matches are so ridiculously violent and brutally graphic, it makes ECW™ (Extreme Championship Wrestling) look like a knitting circle.

COME HOME / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A high-anxiety exploration of a man desperately battling his inner demons while racing to finish a Christmas gift for his daughter. In a moment of weakness, he strikes a chilling deal with the Devil to steady his trembling hand, plunging himself into a violent battle for his very soul.”

I feel his pain — those Barbie DreamHouse™ sets are so frustratingly impossible to assemble, you’ll either sell your soul to the Devil or hire a mechanical engineer to do it for you.

SIDE EFFECTS MAY VARY / Release pending 2023/2024

“With the world gripped by a deadly pandemic, science denier Glenn Rollins turns to an experimental vaccine as treatment for a lingering sickness. Much to the surprise of his doctor, wife, and friends, the remedy immediately fixes what ails him. But Glenn will soon discover the only thing more fatal than the virus…is the cure.”

Seems like I heard this before…in 2020.

THE SLASHER NURSE / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“After a prank by a group of teens goes wrong leaving one person dead, a young girl named Piper is locked away in a psychiatric hospital. Twenty years later, the group of teens have grown up and moved on with their lives, and all but one of them have put the traumatic experience behind them. The friends gather for a weekend getaway at a cabin in the woods, unaware that Piper has escaped from the hospital and is hellbent on revenge. While two detectives try to track Piper down and stop the bloodshed, the clock is ticking as the group of friends are picked off one by one in gruesome fashion.”

A nurse who is a slasher. That means she can cut you…and then stitch you back up. Reminds me of the old joke: What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pitbull? A dog that‘ll rip your arm off…and then go for help.

Happy Horror Day, Zombie Cookbook, Antichrist Dropout

Established in 2020, October 23 is National Horror Movie Day. That’s a fancy way of saying Christmas. The date was chosen as its horror/movie director Sam Raimi’s birthday. He did the Evil Dead franchise, Darkman (1990), Drag Me To Hell (2009), as well as the Spider-Man trilogy and Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022).You might have heard of one or more of those.

So, what do you plan on watching on National Horror Movie Day? And since no one asked, here are some personal endorsements: Talk To Me, Saw X, Candy Land, Renfield, The Last Voyage of Demeter, Black Demon, Evil Dead Rise, Totally Killer and Infinity Pool. Or you could go on Tubi™ and pick out a dozen or so from their 4,000+ horror movie catalog for free.

So while we call in sick so as to not work and spend the day/night watching horror movies front to back, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you sick… 

THE HAUNTING OF JULIA FIELDS / Out now (YouTube™)

“A young woman from a small town moves out on her own for the first time only to realize something sinister lurking inside her new Florida home.”

Florida, eh? Probably a manatee.

AS WE KNOW IT / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“In the late ’90s, James Bishop is dealing with a complicated breakup with the help of his best friend, while trying to finish his book before the impending zombie apocalypse.”

Not sure why he’s trying to finish his book. Whose gonna buy it after the zombie apocalypse? The walking dead can’t read — and if they did, they’d probably wanna get themselves some sort of flesh-eating keto recipe book. (I recommend The Meat Cookbook by Nichola Fletcher. Click here.)

THE FIRST OMEN / April 5, 2024 (Theaters)

“A young American woman is sent to Rome to begin a life of service to the church, but encounters a darkness that causes her to question her faith and uncovers a terrifying conspiracy that hopes to bring about the birth of evil incarnate.”

A life in service the the church is like a non-religious person devoting his/her life to working at 7-Eleven™.

THE SLUAGH AWAKENS / Release pending 2024 (DVD)

“Following a tragic onslaught that rips a married couple apart, an evil force slowly spreads and holds an entire forest town in its bloody clutches. Only a group of young adults, random survivors and those who previously experienced the terror are left to fight back against something unholy.”

Don’t know how to pronounce Sluagh. But according to the Internet, Sluagh “were the hosts of the unforgiven dead in Irish and Scottish folklore.” The movie describes them as “dastardly looking zombie gnome monsters.” I can pronounce that.

Cthulhu Condiments, Supernaturally Nude, Demonic Cookies

Fans of H.P. Lovecraft, Cthulhu and hot sauce can rejoice. Portland, OR-based ArkhamBazaar.com, home of all things H.P. Lovecraft/Cthulhu, has just released three themed pepper sauces. (They also sell Cthulhu shirts, books, patches, video collections, coffee mugs, pins, jewelry and more.) Pretty much one-stop shopping for all things Great Old Ones. 

These sauces, which can be purchased separately, in bundles of three ($17.98), or combined with a shirt with the same label art ($29.99), come in these flavors/heat signatures: Cthulhu Mind Flayer Pepper Sauce ($9.99), The King in Yellow Hastur Habanero Pepper Sauce ($9.99), and Unhallowed Jalapeño Dagon Pepper Sauce ($9.99). They also sell Cthulhu Cosmic Wing Sauce ($13.99), which pairs nicely with fried calamari. (You got that joke, yes?)

So while we load up our cupboards with more boutique hot sauce we’ll never use (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved with spicy condiments… 

BRING HER TO ME / October 27, 2023 (FullMoonFeatures.com)

“A sensual new tale of supernatural terror, where reality and nightmares collide…with deadly consequences. A woman is plagued by nightmares about traveling to a dark realm and a demonic entity that awaits her arrival. With the help of a friend, she consults a dream interpreter to end the nightmares, only to find that no one is who they seem and the real horror is about to begin.”

Warning: This one contains a LOT of female nudity. Therefore you should probably avoid it.

CORA / October 28, 2023 (VOD)

“After a deadly mist has wiped out most of humanity, a mysterious organization is trying to save what’s left of humankind.”

What’s the point? The only benefit of a humanity-ending apocalypse is more available parking.

DEVIL’S BANQUET / November 16, 2023 (Indonesia), Release pending 2023/2024 (US)

Husband and wife Kala and Radit live happily with their only child, Bima. One day, their happiness slowly disappears after they have to go to Radit’s old house because his long-lost mother was found to have mysteriously committed suicide. The inexplicable death of the grandmother causes the family to experience terror by creatures beyond reason. And strangely, all the terror was aimed at their child. The thought of leaving was the best way to save Bima. However, they never thought that it was just the beginning of a series of nightmares that would soon occur and that the dark secret behind their grandmother’s death was related to the rise of a demonic figure.”

Also known as Perjamuan Iblis, which in Indonesia means “demon-invoking grandmas may be evil…but they make good cookies.”

VARIANT / November 17, 2023 (China), Release pending 2023/2024 (US)

“In 2050, the Dishi Biotechnology Company hires the spaceship Thunder God to search for an alien creature called Bali. On their way back to Earth, the captain’s son Jamie accidentally releases Bali, which immediately kills almost everyone on board. Only Jamie and the crew member Kirk survive. Twenty years later, alien creatures keep invading Earth and injuring humans. Doctor Joy recognizes Jamie in an operation and takes him back to the laboratory. Kirk appears in the laboratory and cruelly tells Jamie how he used his curiosity to release Bali and kill the crew on the space station. Meanwhile, the monster Bali breaks free and goes on a rampage at the laboratory base. Jamie wakes up from his nightmare and decides to take revenge. A life-and-death battle for the fate of humanity begins.”

I liked this better when it was called Alien (1979).

Halloween Slumber Party, New Jersey Devil, Evil Pizza Robots

Madame Tussauds™, the world famous wax museum, was founded in London back in 1835 and featured eerily lifelike displays of waxy mannequins of famous/notoriously famous persons. Madame Tussauds New York™, which opened November 15, 2000, is a tourist attraction located on 42nd Street in the Times Square Midtown Manhattan — and its guests look waxy and eerily lifelike. But on October 31, 2023, Madame Tussauds New York™ and InterContinental New York Times Square™ are doing Halloween like no other, offering the “ultimate spooky overnight stay” on October 31 at the entrance of Warner Bros.™ Icons of Horror. It’s there fans will have the “opportunity to privately explore the experience and get up close with some of the most iconic horror characters.” They had me at ultimate spooky overnight stay

From the press release: “Before the real tricks begin, guests will be treated to drinks and a three-course dinner from InterContinental’s™ room service menu, inspired by Warner Bros’.™ The Exorcist and New Line Cinema’s™ The Conjuring Universe and IT. When the museum’s doors close, the frightening overnight experience begins where guests will find their luxury accommodations materialized.”

If you have the pocket bling, there’s a once-in-a-lifetime horrifying experience for two guests for $4,000 (exclusive of taxes) and includes: “All-Inclusive tickets to the full Madame Tussauds™ experience during operating hours, private dinner inspired by Warner Bros.™ horror franchises, craft cocktails inspired by the very horror characters lurking next door, exclusive behind-the-scenes tour of the wax figure studio, led by the Madame Tussauds™ artists, custom-cast wax hands, personal photographer throughout the museum, including 10 professional photos, fully stocked minibar during the overnight stay, choice of breakfast the next morning at InterContinental New York Times Square’s™ The Stinger Cocktail Bar & Kitchen or room service inside the guest’s additional accommodation.” They had me at fully stocked minbar.

So while we all get in on this Halloween attraction action by calling 212-803-4580 or e-mailing ictsqsales@ihg.com for the full meal deal or click this for the wallet-friendly version, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave a waxy taste in your mouth…

NIGHT OF THE DEVIL / Out now (Scareplex™)

“It’s the night before Halloween (aka, Devil’s Night) in 1978 and four teens, Chris, Vivian, Davis, and Laurel enter the woods for some mischief, but instead they come face to face with the Devil. A night of fun turns into a hellish experience.”

The Devil lives in the woods? I thought it was New Jersey, hence the name, Jersey Devil.

SCARY TALES: DEAD ZONE / Out now (Tubi™)

An arguing couple on a drive ends up lost deep in the woods. When their car runs out of gas, they are forced to walk and discover a house in the middle of nowhere. Inside, a strange man with an interesting past has some tales to tell but the creatures in the stories won’t stay on the paper. From the Muffin Man to aliens, a world of horror comes to life…and there is no way out of the dead zone.”

Dead Zone or Twilight Zone? This one’s the third in a series, which goes back a few years with Scary Tales (2014) and Scary Tales: Last Stop (2015). And that’s two reasons this entry took eight years to come out.

FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY’S / October 27, 2023 (Peacock™)

A troubled security guard begins working at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza. During his first night on the job, he realizes that the night shift won’t be so easy to get through. Pretty soon he will unveil what actually happened at Freddy’s.”

Evil animatronics AND pizza? Sign me up! 5NaF is based on the 2014 video game that was/is pretty gory and fun/funny. I ate a pizza while playing it. You know, to get in the zone. 

FREDDY’S FRIDAY / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“An evil man lures female victims to his lair to be sacrificed by monsters.”

You’d think this RIP-OFF intended to cash in on Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023) was made by RIP-OFF “filmmakers” Asylum Studios™, but it’s not. Asylum’s™ RIPP-OFFERY has now been adopted by the Brits. This really brasses me off.

Toothy Tiki, Killer Carnival, Bigfoot Game Warden

Jaws, the Monarch of Munch, is always putting you in his mouth. But what if you could put Jaws in YOUR mouth? Now you can with Mondo’s™ Jaws Tiki — Get Out of the Water beverage mug. And priced at $70 for the limited edition sculpted chomping chalice, you’ll finally have an excuse to give up your Anhueser-Busch™ sippy cup. 

From Mondo’s™ website: “Just when you thought it was safe to close out your tab, the Jaws tiki returns in a bloody good new colorway. Bigger than ever, our new mug holds 26 ounces of chum (or whatever else you’d like fill him with). These stoneware ceramic mugs are handmade, making each one unique, so slight variations from images shown may occur. Shipping is expected March 2024.”

So while we all preorder this deep sea drink holder by clicking this, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be filled with 26 ounces of chum…

PHANTOM FUN-WORLD / Out now (Amazon Prine Video™)

Struggling to support her teen brother Cole, Andi Campbell takes a job at the soon re-opening indoor fun park Phantom Fun-World. However, the park’s jaded and horrific past violently returns in the form of The Phantom, hell-bent on keeping Phantom Fun-World closed for good.”

A masked serial killer with a butcher knife stalking teens? If you were born yesterday, this would be a great plot.

STRANDED / November 7, 2023 (VOD)

A group of siblings go into the wilderness to fulfill their mother’s request to scatter her ashes near their cabin outside Fouke in Arkansas, a location she was fond of as a child. Along the way, the siblings are forced to hash out issues and reopen old wounds as they become stranded on an old country road and stalked by a legendary monster that lurks in the woods.”

Any excuse to get people into the woods so Bigfoot can turn those outdoor smiles upside down.

WALDEN / November 10, 2023 (Limited) December 12, 2023 (VOD)

“Walden Dean is a stenographer, whose mind witnessed all types of injustices in the courtroom. After discovering he has a terminal illness, repressed anger deep within him surfaces — taking justice into his own hands in the most gruesome ways imaginable.”

A killer court stenographer. So will he be taking shorthand testimony notes at his own trial?

LORD OF MISRULE / DECEMBER 8, 2023 (VOD)

“Rebecca Holland has recently taken over the parish church in a rural English village. When her young daughter goes missing at a winter festival, villagers and local police join in the desperate search. However, the closer they edge towards finding the girl, the more secrets emerge from the town’s dark past. Soon Rebecca must decide just how much she is willing to sacrifice to rescue her daughter from the grip of evil.”

And evil does have a grip. I’ve been in it since kindergarten and haven’t been able to release myself of its grasp. Then again, I haven’t really tried.

45 Years of Flesh-Eating, Malicious Mobile, Orphaned Sci-Fi

“When there’s no more room in Hell, the Dead shall walk the Earth.” One the greatest horror movie taglines, this from 1979’s Dawn of the Dead zombie ground-breaker. That ranks right up there with Alien’s “In space no one can hear you scream” and Butts III’s “Double Occupancy.”

2024 marks the 45th anniversary of George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead (remade in 2004). However, thanks to Regal Cinema™, you can see a return to the big screen version beginning October 27, 2023. (You might recall DOTD also got a Regal™ theatrical re-release last year as a 3-D conversion. This year, it’s the original 2-D version. Talk about realistic!)  

Couple ‘o things you might not know about Dawn of the Dead: The movie went through extensive re-cuts and edits and was chopped even more by censors in uptight countries. The 139-minute cut of the movie was slashed down to 126-minutes after getting the coveted X rating for the US version due to graphic violence. (??? The whole movie was graphic violence!) And there were alternate endings that would’ve had two main characters committing suicide rather than being eaten tartare by zombies. Finally, Dawn of the Dead is the most profitable of all of Romero’s Dead series, which includes Night of the Living Dead (1967), Day of the Dead (1985), Land of the Dead (2005), Diary of the Dead (2007), and Survival of the Dead (2009). He’s made a good living off the dead.

So while we click this to find a Regal Cinema™ near you (hopefully in a mall where Dawn’s action was centered), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not look good in 2-D…

DEVASTATION WAGON / Out now (Streaming/screaming live daily)

“This car is possessed by evil…the driver!”

Disclaimer — this is not a movie…THOUGH IT SHOULD BE. I made this horror “movie” poster in tribute to my vehicle, the Devastation Wagon. (I should probably get around to washing it some year.) It’s like the satanically-powered car in Christine (1983), but the radio plays heavy metal instead of snappy ’50s tunes. Oh, and you probably should not look in the trunk. Or glove compartment. Or under the seats. To quote another movie, “If the engine’s running, you should be, too.” Heh.

LIVING FOR THE DEAD / October 18, 2023 (Hulu™)

From the creators of Queer Eye, five fabulous, queer ghost hunters criss-cross the country, helping the living by healing the dead. As they explore some of the world’s most infamous haunted locations, they’ll shed light on those not seen and illuminate untold stories. Together they’ll push past boundaries to bring acceptance to the misunderstood — living and dead.”

Cool, but how do you heal the dead? Isn’t that like closing the barn door AFTER the zebras escape?

BEACON 23 / November 12, 2023 (MGM+™)

“In the farthest reaches of the Milky Way, Aster, a government agent, and Halan, a stoic ex-military man, find themselves trapped together inside one of many Beacons that serve as a lighthouse for intergalactic travelers. Every Beacon is run by one highly-trained human and a specialized Artificial Intelligence. Aster mysteriously finds her way to the lonely Beacon-keeper Halan, and a tense battle of wills unfolds. Halan begins to question whether Aster is friend or foe, as her ability to disguise her agenda and motives could make her a formidable opponent.”

This eight-episode series is off to a rocky start. First it was going to Spectrum™. Then it moved to AMC™. Now it’s at MGM+, which was formerly known as Epix™. Is this a sci-fi TV series or a foster child?

BREATHING IN / Release pending 2023/2024 (Limited theaters, VOD)

“1901, South Africa. As the Second Anglo-Boer War rages on, a wounded General seeks refuge in the small home of a woman and her young daughter. As the hurt man settles in, he begins noticing that something is off about the two women, particularly the daughter, and before long, he’ll learn the real reason for why they’ve invited him and for how they’ve survived on their own for so long.”

Cannibals? Vampires? Republicans? All of the above?