Archive for November, 2017

Janes Bond

Posted in Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 30, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Samurai Chicks

A dancer’s academy on a Japanese island (I thought Japan was an island) recruits rhythm-inclined street kids for an elite group of teeny bop terrorist assassins. Their first assignment: steal a suitcase handcuffed to a suspicious guy.

Samurai Chicks

No problem for these four highly trained break-dancers. They intercept the car by throwing a fake boob that shoots icy-cold smoke out of the nipple. (Can’t tell you how many times that’s happened to me.)

Samurai Chicks

The little ladies easily dispatch the man’s bodyguards with a couple of roundhouse kicks to the sushi hole and then chop his arm off to get the suitcase. (They didn’t have the handcuff key, so…)

Samurai Chicks

A promising start to Samurai Chicks (2004) ponderous story about a freedom fighting underground movement to liberate themselves from a bunch of guys who don’t really reveal why they’re bad, they just are.

Samurai Chicks

The sci-fi girls get orders via message codes built into dance moves, which instruct them to kill. (Note to self: be careful when out hip-hopping as I might be giving someone the go-ahead to stab my neck with a shoe.)

Samurai Chicks

All told, very little blood, a ghost mom who dies when a bolt falls out of an army plane and bolts itself to her head, a flamethrower dude with a stuffed duck on his head, a few electro-shock therapy dudes and a dancing pink bunny. (Don’t ask.)

Samurai Chicks

You’d think with all these kick ass ingredients, Samurai Chicks (aka, Dokuritsu shôjo gurentai) would kick ass. But it just doesn’t.

Future Sharks and Penguins

Posted in Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Immortal

The future as represented in Immortal (2004) shows our cities in big time disrepair, a few flying cars, doors that open and shut by themselves like they did/do on Star Trek, and a whole bunch of Eugenics running around. Eugenics (altered humans) is just a fancy way of saying, “Made by Tupperware™.” They come in all sizes and shapes, but none of them are topless, except that Egyptian cat-face chick. Nice future genetics, but she needs a shave.

Immortal

Over the city hovers a giant pyramid. Within the pyramid are gods. One of those gods is Horus, one of mankind’s creators. Horus (naked and having the head of a hawk) is being put to death because he’s shown a weakness for human flesh. (Geez, how am I still here?)

ImmortalThe plan is to mate with woman and leave behind a progeny who will someday avenge him. The god has non-consensual sex with some punk rock chick with anger issues. She doesn’t like that. But it takes a few times at bat before he’s guaranteed a rug rat. Hold the space phone — something is after her and the god: a mutated, slimy red hammerhead shark that can swim on walls.

Immortal

Then there are the penguins that walk across the snow and slowly turn into humanoid life-forms, but discover they can’t waddle through the electric fence. Then there’s the blue bath water that permanently stains human flesh. And this is to say nothing about the hovercrafts that look like anti-gravity versions of my car, complete with rust, three-year-old gum in the glove compartment, expired tabs and windshield wipers that defy logic.

ImmortalThe Eugenics are computer-generated (I know, an oxymoron) and Immortal’s plot a little tough to keep up with. But there’s techno-boobs, interplanetary sexings, wall sharks, artificial snow penguins and detergent-resistant staining. Why is the future taking so long to get here?

Planet of the Plants

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Organizm

A biological organism, which feeds off light and energy (low carbs), gets loose and exponentially grows like jock itch run amok. Since the military doesn’t have enough Tinactin™ to stop it, they decide to nuke the entire town this thing is growing under, through and above.

Organizm

At it’s worst the vine-like tentacles look like they were drawn by a right-handed person, but with that person’s left hand. At its best the organism burrows under your skin and grows up through your eyeballs and gives new meaning to the phrase, “die your roots.”

Organizm

It’s revealed a guy named Frank had a dad who created the organism as a Cold War military weapon, and it got out of the fridge. Frank’s DNA is the only thing that can kill it, meaning he has to bleed all over the thing, which is now the size of 13 Costco™ outlets.

Organizm

The plant looks a heckuva lot like something Swamp Thing might e-mail a wink to on Match.com™. The premise kinda works (clearly a nod to The Blob/1958), but the below-grade special effects bury Organizm (aka, Living Hell/2008) in the garden. That, and how practical is it to keep cutting yourself open to water the damn thing? Not thinking ahead here, people.

Kickboxing Future Dinosaurs

Posted in Aliens, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Future War

In the 8-track version of the future, a human slave from the future is being hunted by a space enforcer and his pet rubber dinosaurs, who wear electric dog collars that keeps them from biting the hand that feeds them.

Future War

The slave happens to be an expert in kickboxing. Dinosaurs could care less as they’re made of rubber. So, like, kick all you want. Helping the slave is a prostitute-turned-nun. Talk about having all your bases covered.

Future War

There’s way too much kick, not enough prostituting or dinosaur-ing in Future War (1997). But there is no limit to the colored light special effects that would look quite at home on a 1972 Christmas tree.

Dancing With Ghosts

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wishing Stairs

If you don’t speak conversational Korean at fancy cocktail parties, you likely passed on Wishing Stairs (2003), the third installment South Korean horror series, Whispering Corridors. (Or as I like to conversationally blurt out cocktail parties, Yeogogoedam 3: Yeowoogyedan.)

Wishing Stairs

Now that you’re suitably impressed with my fancy dumbassery, in an all-female Korean dance school, the girl’s dormitory holds a dark secret: none of the chicks shave their legs. Okay, that’s not actually part of the plot…BUT IT SHOULD BE. (Note to girls who don’t shave their legs — please don’t kick my behind quarters; it’s just a joke, I hair swear.)

Wishing Stairs

The plot problem starts when two classmates compete for a spot in the Russian “So You Think You Can Dance” ballet. Just so happens there’s a nearby eerie staircase with 28 steps. If you count the steps as you go up, a 29th step will reveal itself in the form of a fox spirit and will grant you a wish. You can see where this is going.

Wishing Stairs

In a see-it-a-mile-away betrayal maneuver, So-hee gets pushed down the stairs and ends up crippled. Unable to cut the rug ever again, she soon commits suicide but gets wished back to life by…the Wishing Stairs.

Wishing Stairs

The spirit of So-hee returns to revenge haunt the guilty party by possessing Hye-ju, her only friend in her pre-dead life, for some “pay it forward” retribution. This takes the form of being stabbed by scissors (ouch), being burned alive (double ouch) and being crushed in the stomach area with a deathly death hug. (Love hurts.)

Wishing Stairs

As this is the third in a series of haunted Korean lesbian schoolgirl movies (Whispering Corridors/1998, Memento Mori/1999), it’s just as boring as the first two, which are equally as scareless and shockless and twice as predictable.

Wishing Stairs

Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight…I wish this movie didn’t suck.

P.S. I don’t really go to fancy cocktail parties. Yes, I’m into host booze, but not dress codes that require me not to wear black T-shirts of obscure Swedish death metal bands.

Virgin Vampires With Full Moons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Devil's Wedding Night

The Devil’s Wedding Night (aka, The Devil’s Crypt, Full Moon of the Virgins, Il Plenilunio delle Vergini/Italy, 1973) isn’t nearly as lip-smacking as it sounds. In fact, the Devil doesn’t even show up to his own happiest day. (Who can blame him? His brides/victims won’t sign a pre-nup.) But you don’t need him when you have a clothes-hating, female vampire bathing in human blood squeezings, likely for its moisturizing properties.

The Devil's Wedding Night

Two handsome brothers are twin archaeologists. One likes to gamble and make smooch happen with chicks. One wants to find the invaluable Ring of the Nibelung (it has mind-moisturizing properties), said to be in Castle Dracula in Transylvania, high up in the Carpathian Ski Mountains. Since this in the early 1900s and there is no Uber or Lyft to get him there, he has to ride his horse. (He never tips the pony or gives it a good rating, the jerk.)

The Devil's Wedding Night

Once at the castle, handsome twin #2 knocks on the door and tells the emotionless gal he’s an architect and wants to study the castle’s feng shui. While wandering around like a snoopy guest opening up underwear drawers and medicine cabinets, he hears a shrieking sound and sees moving shadows. It’s here he meets Countess Dracula, who invites him to stay for dinner and dessert, if you get my drift. Turns out, he’s the main course, but not before a little rub-a-dub.

The Devil's Wedding Night

While this shameful action is going on, his brother is hot on the trail, rushing to bring him a protective amulet to ward away evil. Ironic, since the fabled jewelry is said to have been fashioned by Pazuzu, King of the Demons. (I would’ve thought P would be more into Gothic cabinetry than homemade jewelry.)

The Devil's Wedding Night

As it so happens, tonight is the full moon of the virgins, wherein five as yet undefiled young gals from the nearby village fall under the ring’s spell, and they all walk to the castle at midnight, where in Countess Dracula extracts their blood and slathers it all over herself, likely for its moisturizing properties.

The Devil's Wedding Night

There’s a lot of running around the castle holding lit candles since the psychedelic, rainless lightning storm raging outside must’ve knocked out the power. Handsome twin brother #1 eventually stumbles across his brother entombed in a stone coffin and beats down a bald male vampire with sick thick eyebrows to rescue him.

The Devil's Wedding Night

The virgins show up, the countess turns into a giant bat, the handsome brother chops off her hand, snags the ring, gives his brother an economic, in-ground burial after serving up a stake well done.

So even as “meh” as this all is, stick around for the double twist ending. It will make you believe in the power of jewelry.

Expensive Aliens, World War Werewolves, Wrinkled Time

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien

The seriously talented folks at studioADI have come up with jaw-dropping, stand-alone art pieces based on the creatures in Alien3 (1992). Alien: Resurrection (1997). Too bad they didn’t do one of Ripley in her space underwear in Alien (1979). That was a groundbreaking moment in modern sci-fi.

Alien

Among the holiday dinner centerpieces are the Alien Warrior Half Head ($3,000/limited to 150), the Alien Newborn ($2,000/limited to 100) and the more affordable Alien Queen Embryo ($400). Each of these large and magnificently created xenomorphs will make you scream with glee — or just plain scream. (Don’t do that in space — no one can hear you.)

Alien

If you have a pocket full of space Benjamins, you can click HERE to procure one or more of the coveted designs.

While we’re ransacking the swear jar (mine’s full), here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not look cool on your occasional table…

Infinity Chamber

INFINITY CHAMBER (available now)
“Locked up in an automated prison, Frank Lerner undergoes an interrogation process that forces him to relive the same day over and over. When a war erupts on the outside, he must find a way to escape from a computer system that won’t let him go.”

Hate to break it to you, Frankie — you’re actually in a cubicle in an office building downtown at your day job. And if you’re married? Another prison. Sucks to be you.

Islamic Exorcist

ISLAMIC EXORCIST (available now)
“An Indian couple are devastated when their adopted daughter becomes possessed by a demon. After the father shoots her to death, an investigative journalist delves into the couple’s scary past.”

This is said to have been released out last July (2017, in case you forgot what year this is). Demonic entities are supposed to e-mail me when these types of movies come out. I don’t have time to be checking their Linkedin pages.

Werewolves of the Third Reich

WEREWOLVES OF THE THIRD REICH (December 5, 2017)
“In Germany at the height of World War II, a ragtag group of American soldiers discover Doctor Mengele’s diabolical plan to create an unstoppable army of Nazi werewolves.”

Nazi werewolves. Wonder if they bark in German? The German word for “bark” is “borke.” Wonder if the Nazi werewolves borke in German?

A Wrinkle In Time

A WRINKLE IN TIME (March 9, 2018)
“Meg Murry and her little brother, Charles Wallace, have been without their scientist father, Mr. Murry, for five years, ever since he discovered a new planet and used the concept known as a tesseract to travel there. Joined by Meg’s classmate Calvin O’Keefe and guided by the three mysterious astral travelers known as Mrs. Whatsit, Mrs. Who and Mrs. Which, the children brave a dangerous journey to a planet that possesses all of the evil in the universe.”

This is the latest adaption of the same-named 1962 science fantasy novel written by Madeleine L’Engle. (I quit reading books when I found out the TV had multiple channels.) It’s a big-budget movie with lots of big time movie stars. This means paying big bucks to see it on the Imax™ screen will put a wrinkle in your wallet.