Archive for August, 2013

Balding Sasquatch

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , on August 30, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

The problem with movies about Bigfoot is that the monster always looks really dumb. The Sasquatch in the Jack Links Beef Jerky™ TV commercials looks way cooler than those used in low-rent films such as Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch (2005). Why not borrow the Jack Links™ Bigfoot and use him to rip people apart like beef jerky?

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

A bunch (four) of drunk, redneck poachers are attacked in the woods by Sasquatch, three of which get their guts ripped out. The surviving redneck (played by Miles O’Keeffe, that poser Tarzan in 1981), is p*ssed his friends are no longer around to drink beers with and to go four-wheelin’ and a’shootin’. So he rounds up three more redneck replacements to hunt down the “bear” that performed open-heart surgery on his bestest buddies.

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

Four high school students go camping in the very same woods on a homework assignment. The local sheriff has his hands full trying to keep people out of the woods and take care of the “bear” problem in time for tourist season. An Indian deputy (played by that Indian guy in Ginger Snaps III) knows the problem isn’t a bear, but Taku He (pronounced “talk-oooh-hey”), the mythical creature foretold in his culture’s instruction manual.

The racist rednecks don’t like the Indian and plan on shooting him and making it look like a hunting accident – right after that next case of beer. That they pass the time lighting their farts around a campfire means they’re just waiting for the right moment.

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

The students, though, are unknowingly caught in the middle, with Sasquatch throwing rocks (or “mountain stones”) at their tents to get them to leave so he can mangle the redneck’s red necks. When Sasquatch does appear, he looks like Trog’s uncle and is sporting a receding hairline. This is unusual as male pattern baldness is rare among missing links.

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

Building to a tedious climax, Sasquatch spares the kids, the deputy survives being shot, the rednecks all die, and the local news station airs the footage of Sasquatch taken by one of the students. Everyone thinks it’s a hoax. But WE know the truth – it was a bear dressed up as Sasquatch. Really, it’s the only logical explanation.

Vampire With A Pilot’s License

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , on August 29, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Night Flier

Based on a Stephen King story (scary guy who can type), Night Flier (1997) revolves around an investigative trash tabloid journalist/pilot who tracks a mysterious black Cessna (kite-sized airplane) that’s been landing at small town airports with little more than dirt for runways and leaving a trail of chopped-up bodies and moppable blood in its wake.

The Night Flier

The journalist flies up and down the East Coast on the trail of the black plane, always just missing its gruesome repercussions. But the kill pilot is leaving clues for the writer, who discovers the murder guy calls himself Dwight Renfield (a nod to the actor Dwight FryeDracula’s mentally-unassisted assistant, employed for a short time back in 1931), and that the corpses all have window-sized holes in their necks. Eeww! 

The Night Flier

Renfield knows the journalist is on to him and warns him to f-off in messages left in blood and that drippy stuff that may or may not be lower intestines. But the writer (Miguel Ferrer) is not easily spooked. He knows he’s about to break the big story and when he finally finds the plane parked at an out-of-the-way airport, it goons him out – the plane is entirely black and looks crusty, like it had just flown through a BBQ tornado.

The Night Flier

Entering the pint-sized airport, he sees body parts everywhere, even in the baggage carousel. Eeww! Finally, they meet face-to-face. Or whatever passes for Renfield’s face, which looks like a wet sandwich, possibly roast beef. You’d think it’d all end happily right there. But then you’d be WRONG. There’s a b*tch twist you won’t see coming. (Neither did Miguel.)

The Night Flier

It’s heartwarming to watch a vampire movie that dispenses with the agonizing clichés and clearly fake teeth, making you hungry for more. Not unlike a semi-dry roast beef sandwich.

Hellish Phone Bill

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , on August 28, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

976-Evil

Hoax Wilmoth has worse problems than his  name. As a socially-exorcised teen with a religious freak mom who can make it rain fish and a renegade male cousin whom he feels a certain pant-tingling attraction for, Hoax finds a telephone number that puts him in direct contact with…SATAN. (What’s a “telephone”?)

976-Evil

Thinking it’s one of those horoscope pay numbers, Hoax (yeesh, that name is stupid) calls and gets advice on how to deal with the gang of teen gay guys who beat him up every day and play strip poker together. (Instructions: chop off one guy’s hand, stab another with a neon pitchfork (!), punch through the chest of two others, yank out their black hearts and show it around the room.)

And that chick who scorned him? The evil voice tells him to make a pentagram out of salt and bugs, and the next thing you know, she’s being devoured alive by salty bugs.

976-Evil

Mom gets the phone bill and freaks. Hoax is pretty much up to here with her fire and brimstone, so she’s got to go. Then he writes a bunch of anti-church stuff all over the walls. I’ll give him this, his handwriting is nicely legible.

976-Evil

A final confrontation between Hoax and his dreaded cousin Spike makes the house fall apart to reveal a pit leading straight to Japan. Or Hell. If you’re not evil, go to Japan. If you’re evil, then go to Hell.

976-Evil

Hoax is played by Stephen Geoffrys and is the same character he played as Evil Ed in Fright Night (1985). All of 976-Evil’s (1988) gore and violence is done off-screen, which is surprising given that Robert EnglundFreddy Krueger himself – directed this horror-lite butt toffee. So when evil calls, hang up on it.

Nutty Horror

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on August 27, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Squirrels

Squirrels have been referred to as rats with good PR. That’s dang funny. I’ve since paraphrased in order to impress the high society crowds I hang out with by employing lines like, “I say dear fellow, waffles are merely pancakes with good PR.” Top drawer stuff. Always gets a laugh.

Squirrels are in the Top 10 of all time cute animals that you just want to rub against your face and give ’em adorable names like “Mr. Fuzz,” “Chip Monk,” and “Destroyah.” In truth, though, squirrels, the latest animal to be made a horror villain, are four-legged toilets brushes that can infect you with foamy rabies with one well-place nibble.

Squirrels

Scheduled for release in 2014 and based on a 30-second concept by producer Timur Bekmambetov (Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter/2012), the blandly titled Squirrels finds our furry forest friend wreaking utter havoc. Hence…

“When a young man’s estranged father is killed under suspicious circumstances, he returns home for the first time in years to get to the bottom of the mystery. Hoping to uncover some logical explanation, he instead finds his mom’s sleazy new boyfriend, a natural gas company buying up the town, an angry female sheriff who happens to be his ex-girlfriend, and an army of flesh-eating squirrels hellbent on destroying everything in their path due to an erosion of their food chain as a result of environmental destruction by the gas company.”

Blood Waffles

Flesh-eating squirrels. Kinda rolls right off the tongue. I bet these squirrels would eat your tongue. If they didn’t, then the movie wouldn’t have a whole lot of appeal. Yeah, the whole thing sounds pretty dang dumb. I’d rather see a movie about acid syrup-spraying waffles that punch square holes in you. And the movie could be made in Belgium. And cities under siege by these lethal breakfast monsters call on butter companies to combat… Yeah, pretty dumb as well. I really thought I was on to something there for a sec.

And then the beer wore off.

Cobra + Alligator = Cobragator

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on August 26, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cobragator

Ever want to know what you’d get if you cross a king cobra with an alligator? Of course you do. And you’ll get to find out when Roger Corman presents Cobragator, a Jim Wynorski “film” shooting in October 2013 and coming eventually to a SyFy Channel™ near you.

No plot details as of this e-barfing, but you already know what’s gonna happen. Some scientist or lab experiment goes awry, the two creatures are morphed together, it gets loose and goes on a people eating spree, the military is called in (but are useless), and one guy or gal figures how to stop it, all the while saying stuff like, “We’re gonna need bigger guns.”

Hope the put more effort into creating the monster than they did on the teaser poster. It looks like it was done by a snakeodile with an Art Institute™ “degree”.

Giant Snakes Are So Constricting

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , on August 25, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Python II

Eighty-five foot digital snakes that growl like lions are almost as stupid as the actors that appear in “horror” movies (Python II / 2002) such as these. How they live with themselves is beyond me. How I live myself for watching movies like this is beyond me.

Python II

A military cargo plane heads back from Russia after capturing Monty Python and putting him into a steel box. Yes, the plane is shot down. Yes, the snake escapes. Yes, somebody wants to try and recapture it. And yes, they get swallowed and spit on for their efforts.

Python II

A U.S. covert operation infiltrates Russia (!) and, with the help of an unemployed baseball player who now drives a cargo truck (he was fired for beaning a guy with a baseball, nearly killing him), goes to retrieve the reptile for military applications, such as swallowing and spitting.

Python II

So, as it turns out, there are two snakes. A preemptive air strike was pre-planned (damn, that’s redundant) in the event the cargo couldn’t be contained, and everyone not yet eaten by the Wonder Worm has to get out of the military complex they’re trapped in before being bombed with bombs. You know who survives, you know who dies, you know what’s coming next: Ass Cobra: Feel the Squeeze.

Recyclable Ghosts ’n Zombies

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 24, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Re-Cycle

Tsui Ting-Yin is a successful romance novelist who scored three best-sellers about love-gone-flush, based on her own experiences. Now she wants to write a horror novel. I fail to see the difference.

Once she begins drafting her book, spooky things happen: someone using the shower and leaving long black hair all over the place, phone ringing, hissing noises that make it hard to watch TV, typing paper moving as if by an invisible and possibly demonic secretary. Seems whatever Tsui writes is coming to fruition.

Convinced there is an entity in her stylish, yet conservative apartment (there is), she is directed to leave and go wherever the spirit indicates. Tsui goes outside to find the entire world is totally messed up. Everything looks old and abandoned (like me after last call), and a horror-faced ghost (with like-minded associates) fast on her tail. But how to get out of this mega dump? The bus hasn’t been by in decades.

Re-cycle

She meets an old man who tells her she can’t stay (really?), and that she needs to get to the Transit, a way back to her world. A cute little girl with a dirty face and dirtier clothes tells Tsui that this place is where the discarded go: ideas, toys, goods and services…and people. Again she is told to get out here, because hey – dangerous. They have to hurry because everything around them is beginning to disintegrate into black particle stuff, which would plug up your nose if you breathed it.

Re-cycle

The old man gives her a riddle clue as to the Transit’s whereabouts, but doesn’t know the exact location as the map got some root beer spilled on it or something. He gives her some Hell money and advises them to do a bunch of seemingly nonsensical stuff as IT’S IMPORTANT.

First stop, a forest where bodies hang from trees. Their necks are stretched out from dangling so long. And they aren’t quite dead. Then it’s a race through a Fetus Tunnel and across a foot bridge blocked by the living, but rude dead. Then through a graveyard where people are buried outside their graves. That is plain f’d up. Still the zombie/ghost/vengeful spirit pursues.

Re-cycle

When Tsui and the girl arrive at the Transit, the truth about why she’s in this dimensional part of town and the little girl herself are revealed. Warning – it’ll mess with your head, especially if you’re a chick.

Re-cycle

The cinematography and effects are stunning on a Lord of the Rings/Harry Potter level. (When it rains, bodies pour from the sky. Be sure and wear human-proof galoshes.) Re-Cycle (2006) is one of those winning Lotto™ tickets after buying (or renting) thousands your whole stinkin’ life. In its native Thailand, this movie was called Gwai wik. I don’t like that title any more than I do Re-Cycle, as it lacks a certain “brain-eating” quality. But just see it, ’k?