Archive for Alien

Sex Spaceships, Spectacular Storms and Socks

Posted in Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Space Babes From Outer Space

Another thing to put on the “probably shouldn’t that do anymore” list: eat hard-boiled eggs while watching Alien (1979). I did and now firmly believe there’s a living organism growing in my inner recycling bin. This sucks as I used to like hard-boiled eggs, even the ones that explode all over your mouth and burn your lips.

Speaking of non-digestible horror, here’s a few upcoming — and hopefully palatable — flicks headed in your general direction…

SPACE BABES FROM OUTER SPACE (March 13, 2017)
“Three women from a faraway galaxy come to Earth in search of sexual energy to fuel their ship. With the help of a lonely farm boy, they attempt to harness enough sexual arousal to return to their home planet, all while evading their enemies, the bloodthirsty Scrotes!”

A spaceship fueled by sexual energy. After it runs out of power, the ship will need 10 hours of sleep and a huge bowl of Wheaties™. Then a nap followed by watching TV.

Johnny Gruesome

JOHNNY GRUESOME (in production)
“Johnny Grissom, a murdered high school student, returns from the grave for revenge.”

Now there’s a plot you can hang your boredom on. Johnny G. now joins the ranks of the other one million “return from the grave for revenge” movies clogging up the horror pantheon. (Sorry — word of the day calendar.)

Crust

CRUST (production pending crowd-funding)
“A burned out former child star who has hit rock bottom ends up working in a laundromat where he collects all the lost socks. One night he cries into the pile of socks and a bloodthirsty sock monster is born.”

Pretty lame, although we should be thankful he wasn’t collecting lost underwear.

Geostorm

GEOSTORM (October 20, 2017)
“After an unprecedented series of natural disasters threatened the planet, the world’s leaders came together to create an intricate network of satellites to control the global climate and keep everyone safe. But now, something has gone wrong — the system built to protect the Earth is attacking it, and it’s a race against the clock to uncover the real threat before a worldwide geostorm wipes out everything…and everyone along with it.”

Sounds like a twist on Day After Tomorrow (2004), wherein all the climate-change deny’rs get weather reports stuffed up their bumbershoots. The trailer looks deliciously disastrous: gangs of tornadoes, electrifying lightning, surfable tsunamis, summer snow… All that’s missing is a plot.

Horny Space Gargoyles

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Terror Within

At some point during the future, a chemical warfare “oops” happened and everybody died. I’m surprised you didn’t know about it. This turned the world into a post-apocalyptic wasteland, full of dirt, caves and gargoyles. Fortunately, a small group of scientists in matching jumpsuits were able to create an antidote and sequester themselves in an underground science lab. From there they venture out into the dirt to see if anyone is left alive and if so, can they direct them to the nearest 7-Eleven™ (they’re always open) for a refreshing Slurpee™ because damn, it’s hot out there.

The Terror Within

Those who do not come back are presumed ripped into Bacon Bits™ by the surface gargoyles and their food rations dispensed among the inwardly happy survivors. One such patrol yields a supermodel not yet turned into Californian gargoyle wrap. They take her back to the science hole and discover she’s pregnant. One theory as to who the father is. During the extremely truncated gestation period, she gets ready to pop in just a few hours. One doctor chick slices open the mom-to-be’s gut bucket (i.e., stomach), reaches in and pulls out a (you’re NOT gonna believe this) gargoyle. Before the reluctant mother can give it a name, like Rot Face Chew Boy or Dougy, the thing wiggles away and leaves mom ready for a dirt nap.

The Terror WithinThe newborn makes its way into the air vent and grows at an accelerated rate. The rest of the scientists are pretty much screwed — they can’t stay in, yet they can’t go out. A quandary for sure. Now in his teens, the gargoyle puts his raging hormones to use and gets busy with one of the science chicks, who gives birth a half-hour later as well. What the heck is it with gargoyles and their whole “I don’t use condoms, man” ethic?

The Terror Within

The gargoyle resembles an alligator if the alligator was turned inside out and stood on two legs and had rubber-looking feet and claws. It doesn’t need to be said, but those gargoyles are king butt unattractive. With only two scientists (a dude and a chick) remaining, the race is one to get out of the doom tunnel before the gargoyle wants to knock boots again. Smellin’ a party, all the top-side gargoyles come a’runnin’.

The Terror Within

Were it not for a strategically placed bomb (no underground laboratory with limited escape routes should be without one), it could’ve been an all-out slumber party for horny beasts. (If even one of the monsters was from, say, the Castro District in San Francisco, the last remaining science dude would be looking for the nearest phaser to swallow. Okay, that didn’t come out right.) And were it not for the Alien (1979) rip-off scenes and overly long plot padding, I might’ve given the generic The Terror Within (1989), half a zero instead of a full zero.

Alien Bonehead

Posted in Aliens with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien

Can’t imagine what might augment my new Marin Shiitake™ coffee table from Crate & Barrel™ better than a three-foot long Xenomorph skull. Come to think of it, that skele-noggin would look great atop my Forsyth 3-Drawer Chest™ (with storage!) as well.

Too bad the NECAXenomorph skull won’t arrive in time for Christmas so someone could buy it as a gift instead of me shelling out earmarked trendy furniture money. But hey, it’ll make a nice St. Patrick’s Day present when it goes on sale in March 2017. No price yet, but you’ll have plenty ‘o time (is that an Irish saint?) to save up.

Xenomorph Skull

Here’s the juice…

NECA just announced that in March of 2017 they will be releasing a highly-detailed foam replica Xenomorph skull, which measures a massive 36” long and comes with a display stand for tabletop use or wall mounting.”

They go on to say that the hand-painted skull is “based on the deadly creatures from the classic Aliens 1986 movie.” There’s a drawback, though; the stand requires minor assembly. No need to call a bonded carpenter — instructions included. Can’t get much sweeter than that unless you poured Trader Joe’s™ Organic Cane Sugar on it.

Xenomorph Skull

I bet the Predator would like to get him some sweet alien head like this. Shoot, that didn’t come out right. So what? Head (heh) HERE to get your own skull.

Renamed Aliens, Social Evil, Fresh Beats

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien: Covenant

Recently had a conversation with my dumpster diving associate behind the Squeezie Mart about the state of horror and sci-fi movies. His position: “Technological advances in the visual arts have broken through the limitations of horror filmmaking, thereby pushing the medium into new territories…” Then he peed his pants to emphasize his point. My thought is I don’t care; I just wanna see things go squish on the big screen.

Anyway, here’s what’s new horror/sci-fi is coming up to make your bladder splatter. Presumably not in public.

ALIEN: COVENANT (May 19, 2017)
Alien: Covenant begins with the colony ship Covenant bound for a remote planet on the far side of the galaxy. The crew discovers what they think is an uncharted paradise, but is actually a dark, dangerous world, whose sole inhabitant is the ‘synthetic’ David, survivor of the doomed Prometheus expedition.”

Back in time — September 24, 2015, to be exact — I blogged that the next sequel in the Alien franchise was gonna be called Prometheus 2. That was the opposite of correct. Then I reported the movie was being retitled to Alien: Paradise Lost. Strike two. Now I find out it’ll be called Alien: Covenant. Not gonna say a word, other than I bet my life savings they’ll change the title again to make me look like a cred-less boob.

The Devil Lives Here

THE DEVIL LIVES HERE (December 13, 2016)
Three friends — Ale, Magu and Jorge — go on a trip to visit their friend Apolo at his family’s farm for a weekend of fun. At the same time, Sebastião and his younger brother Luciano are getting ready to perform the spiritual ritual their family has been tasked with every nine months, for centuries. On the night the two groups meet, they find out that what they thought were scary tales becomes more than real. It is now up to them to prevent evil to be born and take over the world.”

Spiritual ritual. That rhymes somehow. No doubt someone could turn rhymes into a rap song. Not me. No fan of rap here — or kids performing spiritual rituals. But hey, it should be fun to watch ‘em try and keep evil from being born and taking over the world, and then rapping about it against a backdrop of fresh beats.

Hostile

HOSTILE (2017)
“After a worldwide epidemic, most of the planet’s population is killed. Only a few thousand have survived and are struggling to find food and shelter. But they’re not alone: they have to hide from strange creatures that go hunting at night.”

Liked this better when it was called The Last Man on Earth (1964), The Omega Man (1971), and I Am Legend (2007).

Friend Request

FRIEND REQUEST (available now UK) / releasing 2017 / US)
“Laura is one of the most popular girls in her high school, seemingly adored by all. She is then sent a Facebook™ friend request by lonely Marina. Having initially accepted, Laura finds herself being obsessively pursued by Marina and not long afterwards hits the ‘unfriend’ button. When Marina apparently commits suicide in an online video, Laura’s life takes a turn for the terrifying, and she becomes the victim of a supernatural presence, attacked in her own home by a mysterious force. Is Marina responsible? And why does she refuse to disappear from Laura’s friend list, even as it increasingly diminishes in number?”

They forgot a question: who cares? Pointless social media horror has been around for a while. Not sure why; with its limited premise — do we need YET ANOTHER one? [Moviepilot.com lists Megan is Missing/2011, Smiley/2012), Antisocial/2013, The Den/2014, #Horror/2015, Unfriended/2015, and Ratter/2016, as “top” examples. They are wrong — all of ’em suck, because I’m older than social media and I can say things like that.]

Social Media Horror

Sorry, kids, but you can take your social media and cram it down your Facebook™. Back in my day our social media was the telephone — and we used it to call forth horror, i.e., 976-Evil (1988). Crank called satan all the time, we did. No fancy pants digital screen tapping, just pure finger-in-the-hole, rotary dialin’ horror.

976-Evil

Monstrous Minnows

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Piranha

So the government-funded “Razorteeth” project to assist with the Vietnam war was kind of a not-so-much. The plan was to dump a bunch of “super breed” piranha in North Vietnam swimming pools and let nature take its course. (All the had to do was give a bunch of little kids all the Kool-Aid™ they could drink, put ‘em in the waterways and let nature take its course. Problem solved.)

Piranha

Two horny teens, out looking for a place to get their horn on, happen across a vacated military installation, and find a pool/fish hatchery. Off go the clothes, in go the appetizers. Have you ever seen a hot dog eating contest? The teens are the hot dogs and the genetically-engineered piranha are the contestants.

Piranha

Later, when not so much as a crumb of the teens can’t be found, an insurance investigator happens across the compound, finds the pools drainage switch, and empties it…right into Lost River Lake, where a filled-to-capacity resort and summer camp waits for their turn on the hot plate. If you’ve seen Jaws (1975), you know it goes from here.

Piranha

Menu items include summer camp kids, pets, and lakeside resort guests… The plan, though, isn’t to stop the piranha from eating anything that sticks its pink toes and fingers into the water, but rather to keep them from reaching the ocean. (Saved for Piranha II: The Spawning/1981.) That’s the military for you. Cut your losses, think outside the box, look at the big picture.

Piranha

The piranha are only seen as toothy blurs, driven into voracious hunger frenzy by tasty floaters (think oyster crackers in tomato soup). When you do get to see one up close for a second, it looks like the chest-burster from Alien (1979). Same facial expression, anyway. They’re probably cousins. Elsewhere, some token female nudity, which is pretty much required in order to hold your interest in this one-punchline joke. I liked it, though. The female nudity, not the fish.

Alien Water Balloons

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Queen of Blood

1990. It’s the future. Space travel between planets is nothing more than a bus ride downtown. Clothing is either orange, yellow or white. (Future technology ensures you can wash all three together without turning things into hippie soup.) And the neighboring aliens just radioed a message to Earth that they’re sending an ambassador to establish diplomatic relations. And that ambassador is…the QUEEN OF BLOOD! (I just loaded my space britches.)

Queen of Blood

The UFO sending the QoB didn’t quite make it to Earth, crash landing on Mars. (Okay, not quite Mars, but on Phobos, one of Mars’ 47 moons, according to my discount space encyclopedia.) A rescue ship with a hot chick, who seems to have three and a half extra teeth, is sent from Earth to bring back any survivors. There was one. She’s green, has a beehive alien pod hair-do (that, or she’s a member of the B-52s), doesn’t talk and has glowing eyes when she’s about to go to Bite Town.

Queen of Blood

After she chews open the wrist of one of the astronauts, the remaining crew decides to feed her their spare plasma on the way back to Earth. Unfortunately, she’s a glutton and sucks her way through the blood slushies. Feeling peckish, the Queen goes after two more astronauts, one of which survived being sucked off. Okay, that didn’t come out right.

Queen of Blood

The only female astronaut saves the day by getting into the world’s shortest b*tch slap, which leaves Queenie with scratches on her back. Not only does she leak green goopy stuff, she bleeds out and croaks. But not before infecting the entire spaceship with blood eggs that look like small goopy filled water balloons inside other water balloons. (Future science has made it possible for two water balloons to inhabit the same space in time.)

Queen of Blood

This might sound like exciting action, but it’s the opposite of that. Queen of Blood’s (1966) sets, special visual effects, and lunar landscapes are vividly colorful and imaginative. But when the space vampire doesn’t even make an appearance until the 47 minute mark (it’s 78 minute movie), and there’s no build up to a major freak with zero screaming, panicking or erratically fired laser beam guns, you’re left with a whole lot of deep space boring.

Queen of Blood

P.S. With her vampire eggs needing to make it to Earth market in order to further the Queen’s sucking race of suckers, the whole thing echoes the set up for Alien (1979). I totally bet that’s where the alien stole the idea.

The Tooth Is Out There

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , on June 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sabretooth

In the plaintively titled Sabertooth (2002), YET ANOTHER science lab is doing YET ANOTHER genetic experiment on prehistoric DNA samples. Everybody used to copy Alien (1979), Now they just copy Jurassic Park (1993). Oh sure, they’ll figure out how to grow a sabretooth tiger in a mayonnaise jar, but they can’t cure a hangover. Why do we keep giving scientists tax breaks and new white coats?

Sabretooth

Of course the tiger gets loose and goes into the woods to crap and eat people. Not necessarily in that order. Enter David Keith, a no-nonsense big game hunter hired by the lab to bring the prehistoric cat back alive. Easier theorized than accomplished. To add color (red) to the linear plot, a team of camp counseling trainees go into the woods to learn how to keep underprivileged kids from being eaten by punk rock bears or wood sharks. We’ll call these people “appetizers.”

SabretoothThe visually pleasing Vanessa Angel works for the lab and is protecting the sabretooth so that she can reap lots of taxable income. But David Keith wants to kill that toothy furball because its been killing everyone else. This is what we call a conflict of interest.

Sabretooth

One of the trainees has two large knives, which he uses to sword fight the sabretooth. For that he deserves to die. And he does. Outside of Keith, everyone deserves to die. And they do. As for the sabretooth tiger, while it might be able to brush its teeth easily since they’re hanging out of its mouth, the rest of the digitally-made beast isn’t even cool enough to be a stuffed animal at the county fair where you have to knock over three milk bottles with lead weights in ’em to win. That game is totally rigged.