Archive for Christmas

Million Dollar Monster, Undying House, Stinky Horror

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Llamageddon

Though reported by Bloody-Disgusting.com, Llamageddon (2018) — a new indie horror movie as of this e-scribbling — has been making steaming piles of news all over the Internet. While the cost to stream movies of any genre ranges from .99 cents to $6.99 (and above), Llamageddon’s price on Amazon.com is over…ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Llamageddon

Not joking, though it probably is a joke — and not just the title. It’s either a typo, a clever way to get publicity, or it’s for real. I’m thinkin’ the second one, though if some idiot with more money than brains rented it at full price, he/she just gave the filmmakers an early Christmas — for the next 10 years.

In case you have more money than brains, here’s the plot: “A killer llama from outer space crash lands on Earth and begins reigning havoc on a group of unsuspecting college students.” Why do I get the feeling someone’s reaching for their wallet right now?

Llamageddon

If you want slightly more affordable barnyard horror, try Black Sheep (2006) from New Zealand. In that one, the fuzzy creatures don’t come from space, but rather are genetically tinkered, which turns them into ferocious people-eaters. You wouldn’t think that was cool, but it is.

But for now, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not drain your 401k…

The Ghost Beyond

THE GHOST BEYOND (available now)
“A struggling novelist moves his wife and young son to an old country home, but when a presence begins to communicate with his son, the family must escape an evil that threatens to doom them to the house for eternity.”

Same old plot, same old story, same old struggling novelist. And since when are novelists not struggling? And how can they afford an old country home in which to struggle? I say let the evil take the mom and kid, and then move into a nice, AFFORDABLE studio apartment that never dies.

The House That Never Dies: Reawakening

THE HOUSE THAT NEVER DIES: THE REAWAKENING (available now)
“The sequel to the 2014 hit film The House That Never Dies is based on true events that took place at the spookiest of Beijing’s Four Oriental Haunted Houses. The story takes place a hundred years after a mutiny by warlords in Beijing when an expert in cultural relics encounters supernatural phenomena at the mansion on 81 Chaoyangmennei Street.”

Chaoyangmennei Street? Try spelling that right on the first five tries when calling for Lyft™. P.S. You wouldn’t think so, but you still have to add a ghost if you’re doing a shared ride. And yes, it costs the same as adding non-ghosts.

Pledge

PLEDGE (January 11, 2019)
“Frat life has never been so scary. And we don’t mean the recent wave of headlines and controversies. Inspired by the rise of the ‘social’ thriller, Pledge promises to take a centuries-old American tradition to new extremes and explore the power dynamics that have led to so many deaths on American campuses.”

Yeah, I’m thinkin’ no to this one.

Respira

RESPIRA (2018/2019)
Leonardo gets a job as a fumigator pilot in the soybean fields and moves with his family to the countryside. When he starts working, he discovers a dark secret that will put him and his family in danger.”

The dark secret is you can’t really fumigate anything with the word “bean” in it.

Bookended By Godzilla, Zombie Blood, Alien Park Job

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

Looking for a Christmas present to buy for me this year? I already took care of your shopping — go to Etsy.com and click over to Mokushop’s, um, shop, and you’ll find awesome, under $70 custom wooden hand-chiseled bookends.

Kraken

With TV around, I don’t do books, so you’ll have to buy me some to go with ‘em as well. But for a chance to own either the Godzilla and/or Kraken (giant octopus) bookends, it might be worth my time to learn how to read.

Godzilla Coloring Book

These things are “extremely limited”, so you’ll have to hurry, Don’t worry about wrapping ‘em as I’ll already know what they are. Thanks for the thought, though. Very Christmas-y of you.

While I wait for you to ship the bookends to me, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth as much as chiseled wood…

Christmas Blood

CHRISTMAS BLOOD (December 4, 2018)
Christmas is a time of peace, love and family. But not for Norway as a psychopath dressed in a Santa Claus suit has been terrorizing them for the past 13 years. For as soon as the caroling starts, this demented Kris Kringle dispenses bloody ax blows regardless of whether you’ve been bad or good. As the holiday approaches on one snow-covered town filled with revelers, a pair of detectives work against time to find and arrest this bearded serial killer. Will they manage to stop this demented St. Nick before he kills again?”

As of this holiday season, there are 100,000 horror movies about serial killer/psychopath Santa Claus killers. Know what I want for Christmas for a change? No more of these same-plot movies.

Attraction

ATTRACTION (December 4, 2018)
Moscow finds itself on the brink of destruction after a mysterious spaceship crash-lands in the center of the city. While the government seeks to find out what the ship’s passengers want and how to protect the local population, the rest of the city residents break into conflicting factions. Some view the aliens as a threat that should be extinguished, while others hope that the visitors are peaceful and offer an opportunity to learn more about the world beyond. When a young woman finds herself torn between her seemingly normal life and the alluring promise offered by one of the all-too-human extraterrestrials, the fate of the entire world is left hanging in the balance.”

A social commentary on immigrants or a poorly-named sci-fi movie about aliens parking downtown wherever they want? You already know the answer.

Johnny Z

JOHNNY Z (2019)
“A half human, half zombie named Johnny, holds the cure to the zombie epidemic. After escaping Nordac, an experimental medical prison, Johnny comes under the guidance of a martial arts Grandmaster named Jonray who agrees under a dying wish to protect and embarks on a journey to find a missing doctor while battling personal demons.”

Sounds like Johnny Z is just another name for Murphy, the half human/half zombie in Z Nation zombie apocalypse TV series on the SyFy™ Channel whose inner gunk holds the cure for un-zombie-ing. Wonder if they’re blood brothers?

The Vanishing

THE VANISHING (2019)
“On an uninhabited island 20 miles from the rugged Scottish coast, three lighthouse keepers arrive for their six week shift. As Thomas, James and Donald settle into their usual, solitary routines, something unexpected and potentially life-changing occurs — they stumble upon something that isn’t theirs to keep. Where did it come from? Who does it belong to? A boat appears in the distance that might hold the answer to these questions. What follows is a tense battle for survival as personal greed replaces loyalty — and fed by isolation and paranoia, three honest men are led down a path to destruction.”

They don’t say what it is they discovered. But after a minimum amount of thought, it can only be one thing for a the isolated men on that remote island; a supermodel.

A Slew of Superheroes, Devil Sex, Heavy Metal Babysitters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Elseworlds

The ratings winning CW Network is heavily pushing Elseworlds, a crossover event that takes place on December 9, 2018 on The Flash, continuing on December 10, 2018 on Arrow (as in Green Arrow), and concluding on December 11, 2018 on Supergirl. I know what I’ll be doing for three days in December.

The Flash

This one’s gonna be epic as it finally introduces Lois Lane (Superman’s “friends with benefits”), Batgirl (insert excited slobbering here), and the returning John Wesley Shipp, who played Jay Garrick in The Flash as a multiverse speedster. He seems nice.

Elseworlds

Here’s the upsell: The Flash and Arrow switch pants. Then they change their clothes again — as does Superman — to all black. (I’ve been doing that for years.) And just when you think it could be any more mind-bending, John Wesley Shipp appears as The Flash in his old costume from when he played the Flash back in the 1990 TV series and will be called Barry Allen. My mind is a fried egg right now.

Elseworlds

In the new Flash series, Shipp played Henry Allen, Barry’s dad, and was killed by Flash nemesis, Zoom. (Weird to have a metahuman named after a breakfast cereal.) Now he’s back to play the Flash like he did before his hair turned grey.

Elseworlds

There’s lots more happening in Elseworlds, so don’t think of any of this as spoilers, but rather Fritos™ and bean dip before the big dinner. But before you go to the store to stock up on Fritos™ and bean dip, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you grey hair…

Luciferina

LUCIFERINA (November 20, 2018/DVD | December 4, 2018 / Digital HD)
Natalia is a 19-year-old who reluctantly returns home to say goodbye to her dying father. But when she meets up with her sister and her friends, she decides instead to travel the jungle in search of a mystical plant. Instead of pleasure, they find a world of Black Masses, strange pregnancies, bloody deaths and perhaps, a sexually violent clash with the Devil himself.”

A sexually violent clash with the Devil. That’s a lot to unpack. Think this one came out last March, 2108 in some country that is foreign to me. But hey, Devil sex, magic plants, black masses — no doubt you could find those things in any civilized country/bowling alley.

Ghost in the Graveyard

GHOST IN THE GRAVEYARD (2018/2019)
A small town comes under the thumb of Martha, a vengeful ghost who returns to haunt the children who witnessed her death during a game of Ghost in the Graveyard in their youth. Long blamed for the accident, Sally Sullivan must figure out why Martha has returned and how to get her to rest in peace for good. As the mystery of her return unravels, deep secrets are revealed that will have consequences for everyone involved.”

Back from the dead, revenge, murder, blah, blah, bah. This premise is so overdone, it’s like dry meatloaf — and there’s not enough ketchup in the world to make it taste any better. For a slightly better version, try Darkness Falls (2003). That one has a teen in it.

Shed of the Dead

SHED OF THE DEAD (2019)
Trevor is between jobs. He spends his days avoiding his nagging wife by hiding out in his allotment shed and painting figurines for his war-games with his agoraphobic friend, Graham, and dreaming of his heroic alter-ego, the battle mage Casimir the Destroyer. When Mr. Parsons, one of the other allotment tenants, petitions to have Trevor removed from his disgrace of a plot (he’s not there to grow stuff!) an argument ensues that leaves Trevor with a corpse to hide. Unfortunately, this untimely accident coincides with the zombie apocalypse and Mr Parsons’ return is just the beginnings of Trevor’s problems. More pressing is whether or not he should try and save his wife and her beautiful best friend, who both he and Graham have a thing for.

Yeow, what a hot mess of a plot. Only thing missing is dry meatloaf.

Babysitter Massacre: Heavy Metal

BABYSITTER MASSACRE: HEAVY METAL (in production)
Billy Dragg breaks things off with his girlfriend and subsequently goes on a murder spree. But is he in control, or is the ghost of Viper, a dead heavy metal superstar, influencing Billy’s actions?”

Push in your stool — this will take a minute. The guy who brought us 2013’s Babysitter Massacre is not done massacring temp rental guardians. Babysitter Massacre II: Slay Bells takes place around Christmas, a few weeks after the first movie. Then follows Babysitter Massacre III: Overnight, starring a different slasher. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing, hence Babysitter Massacre: Heavy Metal. These were all funded by Kickstarter™, so don’t expect a lot of different knives or clothes. Not sure what a ghost of a heavy metal superstar has to do with changing diapers, but hey, might as well come at it with that fabled open mind people keep telling me to use.

Canned Puke, Medicated Zombies, Vampire Socialite

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Christmas Tinner

It makes sense that upscale eateries like Burger King™ and McDonald’s™ annually come out with seasonal themed food-like substances. But Christmas Tinner™, an entire holiday meal in a can, easily takes the crown.

In what seems like something out of a horror movie, Christmas Tinner™ is a nine-layer meal that includes everything you need for a traditional Christmas dinner, including dessert. I think I just thew up in my own mouth.

Christmas Tinner

If you have a strong stomach, the “meal” starts with scrambled egg and bacon (WTF?), then layers down to mince pie, turkey and potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, Brussel sprouts/broccoli with stuffing, roast carrots and parsnips. And if this wasn’t enough, they stuff Christmas pudding at the bottom. All of a sudden, gas station sushi doesn’t seem so bad after all.

Christmas Tinner

Wonder if it looks the same way coming out as it does going in? While you chew on that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have you needing your stomach pumped after watching ‘em. (P.S. Christmas Tinner™ photos courtesy of Chris Godfrey)…

Elves

ELVES (December, 2018)
“The Holiday Reaper, a ruthless killer that terrorized a small Texas town, has been caught. While celebrating, a group of friends find an elf inside a magical toy box. When a freak accident kills one of them, they discover a group of elves have been scattered throughout town, each representing one of the seven deadly sins. It’s a race against time to survive the elves’ wrath before Christmas ends.”

A gang of homicidal elves trying to ruin Christmas? I bet Santa is rolling over in his Christmas Tinner™.

Leprechaun Returns

LEPRECHAUN RETURNS (2018/2019)
“The deadly, wisecracking Leprechaun is back in all his gory glory. When the sorority sisters of the Alpha Upsilon house decide to go green and use an old well as their water source, they unwittingly awaken a pint-sized, green-clad monster. The Leprechaun wants a pot of gold buried near the sorority house, but first, he must recover his powers with a killing spree — and only the girls of AU can stop him.”

You’d think they would’ve pulled life support on this one after the disastrous Leprechaun Origins (2014). That one was so bad, even non-Hollywood Leprechauns boycotted the movie.

Altered Skin

ALTERED SKIN (February, 2019)
“During a routine hospital round, Insiya Zia, a Pakistani doctor, contracts a virus called the MN-2. A devastating pathogen, the virus causes uncontrollable outbursts of violent rage. With no cure in sight, the doctors have no choice but put Insiya in a state of induced coma. Meanwhile, the virus continues to spread through the country. The only relief is a drug called Cidhar, sold as an adhesive patch. However, it’s not a cure. All it does is calm the symptoms for a few hours. As Insiya’s condition continues to deteriorate, it appears her husband has accepted her impending death. But then the dead body of an investigative reporter turns.”

The Returned

A Pakistani zombie movie that borrows (i.e., steals) from The Returned, a 2013 Spanish/Canadian film that goes a little like this: “When a rare and difficult to obtain medicine that requires daily doses to stave off the effects of a zombie infection runs low, a physician and her infected husband go on the run to avoid angry demonstrators.”

They go to all this trouble when beer is the cure-all to pretty much everything, except it turns you into a zombie as opposed to the other way around.

Morbid Colors

MORBID COLORS (2019)
“Two foster sisters hunt down a socialite whom they believe infected the elder sibling with vampirism.”

Being a vampire seems like a better option than having a Rent-A-Center™ parent.

EDM Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave

In Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave (2005), an Ecstasy/energy drink drug is synthesized in a college lab from the deadly chemical from the preceding movie (i.e., Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis/2005).

Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave

It was “discovered” in an oil drum in the attic of the uncle/secret military government dude who originally developed the nerve gas fumes, which reanimates the dead. Must’ve been hard to get the oil drum up into the attic without spilling it all over boxes of old Christmas lights, clothes that seem to shrink with every passing year and family photos that remind you how fat you’ve become.

Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave

The easily swallowed pills turn the experimental-drug-taking “free-your-mind” students into even more mindless zombies, just in time for the big Halloween rave. Rave music sucks. It always has. Anybody who thinks it doesn’t is no doubt already brain dead, because you’d have to be to listen to that computerized noise.

Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave

But I digress. The big party turns into a brain du jour buffet, with under-grad zombies biting and chewing on whatever is inside the heads of those being bitten, which looks like bubble gum with hair on it. There’s even a zombie rat, that turns out to be a better actor than everyone combined.

Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave

One part comedy, one part horror, one hundred parts stupid. No wonder zombie college students want brains — they never had any to begin with.

Horror Trivia, Dead Dump, Ghost Boat

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Trivial Pursuit: Horror Movie Edition

As first reported by Reddit and not the fake news, USAopoly™ has released Trivial Pursuit: Horror Movie Edition™, just in time for the upcoming alt-Christian holiday All Hallow’s Eve, which is like Christmas for Planet Halloween™.

Trivial Pursuit: Horror Movie Edition

The details are as cool as the $19.99 price: 600 questions that cover 100 years of the horror genre, with topics like epic monster movies, the paranormal, slasher and goriest movies. I just soiled myself.

Trivial Pursuit: Horror Movie Edition

You can get this delivered right to your face mailbox through Amazon™ or GameStop™. Before you get to clickin’, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not fall into one or more of Trivial Pursuit’s Horror Movie™ categories…

I'll Take Your Dead

I’LL TAKE YOUR DEAD (2018/2019)
William has a simple job: he makes dead bodies disappear. Through circumstances out of his control, his little farm house in the country has become a dumping ground for the casualties of the gang related murders in the nearby city. His daughter Gloria has become used to the rough looking men dropping off corpses and is even convinced that some of them haunt their house. After a woman’s body is dumped at the house, William begins his meticulous process when he realizes that she’s not actually dead. As the gang activity increases, William patches up the woman and holds her against her will until he can figure out what to do with her. As they begin to develop an unusual respect for each other, the woman’s murderers get word that she’s still alive and make a plan to finish what they started.”

Dumping bodies on a farm? That’s why they’re called criminals; bodies can be recycled instead of becoming rodent/bug-attracting illegal landfill. If they can figure it out in Soylent Green (1973), so can we do it today.

Alive

ALIVE (2018)
“A male patient, badly injured from an unknown event, is trying to piece together his checkered past.”

This is normally referred to as a Defcon 1 hangover. It’s a moment when you come out of your alcoholic coma to find your body looking like raw hamburger. As painful as it is, you know there’s a really great — and highly likely — funny story behind it all.

The Boat

THE BOAT (2018)
“A lone fisherman on his daily run finds himself lost in a thick fog, which proves impossible to navigate. The worst is yet to come when his encounter with a seemingly abandoned sailboat becomes a fight for survival against an enemy unknown.”

Cool — ghost boat! Guess the life preservers didn’t work after all. Wonder if this event happened on a…May day. Heh.

Brothers’ Nest

BROTHERS’ NEST (2018)
“Two brothers are intent on murdering their stepfather before their dying mother changes her will in his favor.”

That’s one way to do it. Another way would be to dress up as the mom, go to the bank, and make a hefty withdrawal. I’ve heard that works 17% of the time. I’ll take those odds.

Fear Sphere

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Orb

One dozen teens in Hawaii go camping to smoke pot, drink booze and rub ankles. As can be expected, this group is fraught with teen dramas, which leads to some punching and swearing and the rubbing of said ankles. What they didn’t know, a small meteor was headed their way and about to land in their campsite. 

This space rock, which looks like a basketball-sized raspberry, splits open and blue orb floats out and attacks the socially-bankrupt kids. Once inside your body, the orb turns you into an ill-tempered teen, making you go all coconuts and attacking your fellow pot smokers. 

Biting into neck flesh (they’re neither vampire or zombie, and yet a bit of both), the possessed starts throwing nice Hawaiian punches, until the orb hops into another body for more of the same. Hard to tell who’s possessed and who isn’t. 

Meanwhile, the military, having experienced the orb years before, tracked it to the island and are forming a welcoming committee with guns. So until they get there, we get to watch teens screaming, cussing, fighting and ankle-rubbing, all done on a hand-held camera. (Not too hard to guess what the filmmaker got for Christmas.) 

The special effects in The Orb (2005) are the kind you’d see in a video game — from 1985. And only one girl puts ’em on the glass; Filmed in the dark, you couldn’t tell if she had nice orbs or not. 

All the filmmaker’s friends and family probably gets a free copy of this painfully lame movie. For everyone else, that’d be over-priced.

(Note to reader: Sorry — no other movie photos. Man, I looked everywhere. Then it made sense to me; the filmmakers were so embarrassed by this flick, the decided to digitally erase this craptacular piece of “art.”)