Vampire TV, Intellectual Grave-Digging, Cellphone Evil

A couple of cool new key art posters for the impending What We Do In The Shadows TV series arriving March 27. 2019. Cooler, still —  like radioactive flatulence, these things glow in the dark.

I’ve tagged this before, but anything worth peating is worth repeating: “Set in Staten Island, FX’s™ What We Do in the Shadows series follows three vampires who have been roommates for hundreds and hundreds of years.”

The same-titled 2014 movie from which this is derived was one of those unexpected home run hits and, like that spore-like stuff in my fridge — continues to grow — will, without hyperbole, become the greatest comedy vampire movie of all time. Okay, clunky sentence. My head hurts.

Until the series debuts next month, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your farts glow-in-the-dark…

PET GRAVEYARD (April 2, 2019)
“A group of friends are tormented by the Grim Reaper and his sinister pet after they undergo an experiment that allows them to revisit the dead.”

You’d think this Pet Sematary (1989/2019) rip-off is coming from Asylum Studios, who are pros at ripping off original ideas. But someone else is using Asylum’s own business model to get away with the same thing. Hey, Asylum — how does that taste?

SADAKO (May 24, 2019/Japan)
“A YouTuber tries to awaken Sadako’s curse.”

Not much to go on, but Sadako — along with Kayako — are two of Japan’s most bankable horror movie icons. Outside of Godzilla and his frenemies, that is. And yes, you’ll have to go to Japan to watch this when it comes out. Bring me back something, ‘k?

WE SUMMON THE DARKNESS (2019)
“The killing spree of murderous Satanists has already led to 18 deaths throughout America’s Heartland. Three best friends Alexis, Val and Beverly embark on a road trip to a heavy metal music festival. Naive, they bond with three seemingly fun-loving dudes and soon the group heads off to Alexis’ country home, a very secluded place, for an after-party. What should be a night of fun and youthful debauchery may instead take a dark, deadly turn. With killers on the loose, can anyone be trusted?”

Who cares about generic Satanists? I wanna know what bands are on the bill at the heavy metal festival. Hopefully, a few that kill with riffs and solos instead of sprees.

LARRY (2019/20120)
“A troubled young boy and his family become the target of a monster that materialized through electronic devices such as smart phones and tablets.”

The irony here being that smart phones and tablets are already the monsters in our lives. And yes, they took the concept from 1989’s Shocker. Horror never forgets.

Printed Splatter, Foreign Demons, Immortal Daycare

Before there were iPads™ and “smart tablets,” you got your news and non-porn ads from newspapers. Those things were cool — lots of pictures, tons of useless information and you never had to plug it in or recharge it. It was in those newspapers that movie companies placed ads. And in the ’80s, you got gore and slasher movie ads, which were an art form unto themselves.

Author/horror movie expert Michael Gingold (Fangoria, Rue Morgue, Birth.Movies.Death, Time Out New York, Scream, The FrightFest Guide to Monster Movies, Shark Movie Mania), has a new book coming out October 9, 2018 called Ad Nauseam: Newsprint Nightmares from the 1980s, a compilation of all those luridly glorious horror movie/TV ads. And even more frightening is the price: $34.95. In 1980s money, that’s worth the price of nearly 140 newspapers. That’s some serious fire hazard buying power.

I’m thinkin’ that the reprinted horror movie ads are all black and white, which gives ‘em a grindhouse-y aesthetic. The book might have a few color ads, though, (I’m hoping to see The Evil Dead/1981 ads in full blood-esque color).

While we impatiently wait for October (why won’t my homemade time tunnel work? I put new double AA batteries in it…), here are a few upcoming horror movies/TV series that may or may not be worth cutting out of a newspaper or downloaded onto your maxi-iPad™…

WELLINGTON PARANORMAL (July 11, 2018/New Zealand)
“The new mockumentary series follows officers Minogue and O’Leary as a pair of paranormal cops focused not just on vampires this time. New Zealand’s capital is a hotbed of supernatural activity, so Officers Minogue and O’Leary take to the streets to investigate all manner of paranormal phenomena including ghosts, demonic possession and werewolves.”

This is the TV series sequel to the incredibly hilarious What We Do In The Shadows (2014) vampire movie, and will premier July 11, 2018 on New Zealand channel TVNZ. My antennae doesn’t reach that far. Word around the antennae store, though, is the follow-up movie is tentatively titled, We’re Wolves. Flippin’ genius.

OPEN 24 HOURS (2018)
“Mary knew her boyfriend James was the Rain Ripper serial killer. But she felt powerless to act until he forced her to watch another victim being slaughtered before her eyes — and then she set him on fire. On parole from prison despite everyone thinking she was guilty by proxy, and on medication to control her paranoid hallucinations, Mary gets a graveyard shift job at the remote Deer gas station. Then the killings begin. Is what’s happening real? Are they just blood-soaked delusions? Or does she really like to watch people murdered as her ex always intimated?”

Rain Ripper seems like a dumb name for a serial killer. And since when does a pyromaniac get a job at a gas station? That’s like me going to work for Anheuser-Busch. (Note to AB — I totally promise to stay drunk on the job, as I am a company man, through and through.)

THE WITCH IN THE WINDOW (2018/2019/Shudder™)
“A separated father Simon and his estranged twelve-year-old son, Finn, head to Vermont to repair an old farmhouse and encounter the malicious spirit of a previous owner, an infamously cruel woman named Lydia. With every repair Simon makes, he’s also making her spirit stronger…until a terrifying encounter leaves him doubting whether he can protect his son from the evil that’s making its way into their heads and hearts.”

“Infamously cruel.” That’s some serious street cred. Looks good on a resume, though, especially when applying to work for Yelp™.

NOS4A2 (2019/AMC)
“A young female artist named Vic McQueen discovers she has a supernatural connection with Charlie Manx, a seemingly immortal man who feeds off the souls of children and deposits their remains in a twisted holiday village known as Christmasland. Vic sets out to defeat Manx and rescue his victims while keeping her sanity intact.”

This one’s gonna be a TV series (whoohoo — binge time!) on AMC, and is based on the same named 2013 book by Joe Hill, Stephen King’s son. I can see why he didn’t take his dad’s last name — then he’d be “Joe King/Joking”. Heh.

Bowling Trophy Worthy Sci-Fi & Horror

Even though The Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films was founded in 1972 to honor, recognize and promote genre films, NOT ONCE have they called me to accept a bowling trophy-esque shelf ornament during their annual Saturn Awards for Excellence in the Field of Horror/Sci-Fi Blogging. I feel this is a form of snob celebrity elitism. (The bag boys at the grocery store pull rank on me as well.)

Regardless of their humiliating oversight, the Saturn Awards, taking place June 22, 2016 in Burbank, CA, looks to acknowledge the horror/sci-fi/fantasy/misc. genres with metric tons of movie stars, directors, writers and complimentary shrimp platters with cocktail sauce for dipping. And since they have a million nominating categories, I’ve picked a few to see whose in line for winning a bowling trophy-esque award.

And the nominees (with my predicted winners) are…

BEST FILM SPECIAL/VISUAL EFFECTS
• Avengers: Age of Ultron – How in the heck do they make Iron Man fly? Surely he must weigh, like, a metric ton.

• Jurassic World – Dinosaurs dishing out dino sores. Awesome, though we’ve seen it three times before.

• Mad Max: Fury Road – Best road rage action since your morning commute.

• The Martian – Zillow™ is already pricing profiling Mars’ real estate.

• Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It had to be mind-blowing because they need to keep milking the money-printing franchise.

• Ex Machina – Winner

Best usually means who had the budget to afford all those pricey eyeball delights. While each one of these should win, I’m going with smaller budgeted Ex-Machina because it shows up close and personal full front/back/top/bare bottom female nudity. So what if it’s a naked chick robot encased in synthetic bubble wrap? If you were stranded on a desert island with one, it wouldn’t be an issue.

BEST HORROR FILM RELEASE
• Crimson Peak – Visually stylish ghost story, but the boos needed more booze.

• Insidious: Chapter 3 – No.

• It Follows – Yes.

• Krampus – Kinda.

• The Visit – Sorta.

• What We Do in the Shadows – Winner

Made by the Flight of the Concords comedy troupe, What We Do In the Shadows is the best vampire movie since Let The Right One In (2008) and 30 Days of Night/2007.(My opinion only, based on recommended daily doses of sweet and refreshing adult beverages.)

BEST INDEPENDENT FILM RELEASE
• 99 Homes – I didn’t see the first 98 homes, so…

• Cop Car – I see enough of them as it is.

• Experimenter – Didn’t have enough money to experiment with the movie ticket price, so…

• Room – Didn’t see it.

• Trumbo– Didn’t see it.

• Bone Tomahawk – Winner

Cannibals versus cowboys, hands down Bone Tomahawk starring Kurt Russell should win, if only for the movie’s last 15 minutes alone. Haven’t seen it? I double dog dare you to get through the last 15 minutes without your pants squirming up into your poo portal.

BEST INTERNATIONAL FILM RELEASE
• The 100 Year-Old-Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared – Dumb title. Didn’t want to see it.

• Goodnight Mommy – Potentially.

• Labyrinth of Lies – Didn’t see it.

• Legend – Didn’t see it.

• Turbo Kid – Seriously?

• The Wave – Winner

Based on an actual event that happened before you were born, The Wave is a Norwegian disaster film about a small community situated on a fjord about to be swallowed by a 250-foot mega tsunami, the result of a mega landslide. The wild wave itself is quite spectacular, but it’s the testicle-tightening lead up and post-wave t*tty-twisting that delivers the groceries.

BEST SCIENCE FICTION FILM RELEASE
• Ex Machina – Nudity is not science fiction.

• Jurassic World – Is DNA cloning science fiction? I think not.

• The Martian – This movie was based on science fact, which negates fiction.

• Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It’s not fiction in the minds of Star Wars nerds.

• Terminator: Genisys – No.

• Mad Max: Fury Road – Winner

Mad Max: Fury Road is insanity awesome. It instantly made me want to adorn my car with gasoline-powered sharp things and drive on sidewalks at 100 m.p.h.