Space Evil, Criminal Curse, Death Hotel

Movie sequels can be awesome (Aliens/1986) or awesomely bad (Wonder Woman 1984/2020). But Movies Go Fourth by author Mark Edlitz (paperback, released May 2023) puts the fourth installments in franchises on the plate, scrutinizing such debatable gems as Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Conquest for the Planet of the Apes (1972), Alien: Resurrection (1997) and Terminator: Salvation (2009). (What — no Fisting Firemen IV?)

Mind you, sequels are continuations of an over-milked story line, where as franchises act as an umbrella for everything in their multiverse. Examples: Marvel has 32 movies with overlapping superheroes stepping on each other’s capes. Batman has 17. Godzilla has 36. And Mickey Mouse has 130. That’s a lotta cheese.

From the book’s press release: “Movies Go Fourth is a celebration of the fourth movies in the most popular film franchises of all time. It offers behind-the-scenes stories of fourth films from such beloved series as Star Wars, Star Trek, and James Bond. It also explores infamous fourth films, including Jaws: The Revenge, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, and Batman & Robin. This riveting book reveals the inside scoop on some of the biggest films in horror (Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street), sci-fi (Highlander, Terminator, Planet of the Apes), action (James Bond, Die Hard, Rambo) and comedy (Police Academy, Home Alone). Author Mark Edlitz also examines notable unmade fourth films, such as Francis Ford Coppola’s The Godfather: Part IV and Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 4.”

While Movies Go Fourth (buy it here) is a tantalizing idea, there are no pictures in the $24.99 paperback. That’s like having a Salisbury steak TV dinner without a side of tongue-scorching potato-esque mush and artificial butter topping. So while you ponder the metaphor, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not taste as oddly delicious as potato mush…

SPACE NECRONOMICON / Out now (Blu-ray, DVD)

“A girl controlled by a mysterious woman and caged between visions, vampires and morbid rituals. What happened in space? Why is she the chosen one?”

As sorta cool as this sounds, it’s an art film. This means too much thinking and not enough drinking. P.S. They stole the kicker line from Alien (1979). Sci-fi never forgets, b*tches!

THE GATES / June 27, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“A serial killer has been sentenced to death by electric chair in London in the 1890s, but in his final hours, he puts a curse on the prison he is in, and all of those in it.”

I liked this better when it was called Shocker (1989).

OBSCURA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A CIA special operations team out on demolition maneuvers collides with an outlaw biker gang. The groups are forced to fight for survival against a creature of unknown origins.”

Not sure how they’re gonna get outlaw bikers to fight. Heck, you can often hear them singing, “Born To Be Mild.”

STREAM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Roy and Elaine Keenan realize their family is drifting apart, they decide that something needs to be done. Roy forces his work to take a back seat and they seize the opportunity to recreate a vacation from their past. A peaceful stay in a quaint hotel is just what they need, however that is not what is in store for them. With four deranged murderers patrolling the seemingly mundane halls, the odds are definitely not in the Keenan family’s favor. Roy must fight for his life and those of his family as their simple weekend getaway truly turns into a vacation to die for.”

If deranged murderers are patrolling the halls, this means the hotel is…my apartment building. Somewhat clean, but the rent is killer.

Puzzling Horror, Egg Aliens, Camera-Ready Zombies

The most puzzling thing about horror movies is how some of them got made. Then again, without punchbowl turds as Frankenstein Island (1981), Bride of Boogedy (1987), or the painfully watchable Urotsukidôji I: Legend of the Overfiend (1989), our lives would not be as fulfilled as promised by alcohol. But what if horror movies were turned into literal puzzles? Gird your bladder — you can now get horror movie puzzles that combines b-grade with brilliance, all for $25.99 (or less).

Created by Rachid Lotf, you can get a 28”x20” 1,000-piece House of Horrors puzzle, a spectacular and colorful collage of featuring Halloween, Jaws, The Thing, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and lots more. Or there’s the Horror Night Watch Party, also 1,000 pieces, featuring Pinhead, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Chucky, Michael Myers and Leatherface, all watching horror movies on a TV as if having some sort of social gathering. And Rachid’s Horror VHS Cemetery puzzle is like a trip down a Blockbuster Video™ memory lane. P.S. there’s even a Blockbuster™ era video puzzle.

While you can buy all of ’em (and more) by clicking this, here are few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem like a puzzle missing a few pieces…

ALIEN INVASION / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A group of friends find a large strange egg that hatches. Unfortunately, the egg contains an intergalactic predator. Now they must stop it from reaching civilization.”

Eggs are a super food, so not seeing the problem here.

TIN & TINA / Out now (Netflix™)

“After a tragic abortion, Lola and her husband Adolfo adopt Tin and Tina, a seemingly angelic brother and sister with an ultra-Catholic education that makes them interpret the Holy Bible verbatim.”

Reading the Bible verbatim should scare the Holy crap outta everyone.

THE DEVIL’S STOMPING GROUND / JUNE 27, 2023 (VOD)

“On May 1, 2021, fifteen college film students traveled to the place in the Uwharrie Mountains of North Carolina, known as The Devil’s Tramping Ground, to shoot their senior short film project. What happened that night was a tragedy. The Devil’s Stomping Ground is a narrative feature, edited together from the footage the seniors were shooting for their movie and the behind-the-scenes documentary footage two juniors were shooting of their efforts. The film chronicles the day and subsequent night of their shoot. It is a cautionary tale about temptation, pushing your luck, and the inevitable consequences of being oblivious to your surroundings. Will they be ‘forever changed’ as the legend suggests?”

The tragedy is they turned this into a movie.

FINAL CUT / July 14, 2023 (VOD)

“Set against the backdrop of a B-movie shoot that is descending into disaster, the director who seems to be the only one invested with the necessary energy to keep the low-budget zombie film afloat. As he tries to gee up jaded technicians and uninterested actors, shooting is disturbed by the arrival of authentic undead.”

This is the French remake of Japanese zombie comedy, One Cut of the Dead. I have no idea why I know that.

Spider Clock, Flipping Haunted Houses, Space Crabs

Audemars Piguet™, makers of some of the most exquisite and exquisitely expensive watches and clocks in the world, just announced their upcoming Spider-Man branded watch. For all its vaunted bells and whistles — sapphire crystal, glow-in-the-dark hands and numerals, a transparent caseback, and an interchangeable strap system — it sadly does not shoot spider-webs. Probably doesn’t have a built-in walkie-talkie to chit chat with Tony Stark, either. 

From website: “The Swiss brand’s new Royal Oak Concept Tourbillon features the superhero Spider-Man at the center of an open-worked dial. This is actually the second co-branded wristwatch to land in the AP x Marvel universe and follows in the footsteps of 2021’s Black Panther Tourbillion. The newcomer pairs a 42 mm titanium case with a black ceramic bezel and crown to ensure your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man gets all the focus. The hero takes up almost all of the dial with his signature web-shooting pose.”

Thinking about buying it? Just be forewarned the Spider-Man watch is limited to 250 and will run you $215,000.00, which is, ironically, just criminal. Here’s some more web-spinning numbers: “The Swiss watchmaker has auctioned off a one-of-a-kind piece called the Royal Oak Concept Tourbillon Black Suit Spider-Man to raise funds for a nonprofit. Inspired by the black suit rocked by the superhero in some ’80s comics, the one-off sold for $6.2 million at a private event in Dubai.”

So while we go to Amazon.com and buy the reachably affordable $10.99 Spider-Man digital watch with a sweet adjustable silicone band (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you web your pants…

THE AMITYVILLE CURSE / Out now (Tubi™)

“A group of friends purchase an infamous home with the intention of flipping it, only to discover a deadly paranormal presence emanating from within the house.”

Originally, The Amityville Curse, which was released in the Philippines as Amityville Horror 1993, is a 1990 Canadian-made horror flick. Not sure why they decided to call this new one exactly the same. Given the plot, it should be called, Flip This Amityville House.

COCAINE CRABS FROM OUTER SPACE / June 1, 2023 (Blu-ray/DVD), Fall 2023 (VOD)

“When a couple of intergalactic space crabs land on Earth, they encounter the one thing they didn’t expect…a duo of dumb frat boys force-feeding them cocaine! As it turns out, cocaine gives space crabs an overbearing impulse to kill! Their string of peculiar homicides has Detective Charlie Reese thinking that something smells fishy…literally! Convinced that the detective may be onto something, the two of them find themselves teaming up in the deadly wake of the coked-out crabs!”

Bears, sharks, alligators and now crabs. Extraterrestrials must think all our animals are drug addicts.

AGED / June 15, 2023 (VOD)

“After taking a temporary job as a caregiver, a young woman realizes her employer and the house have a dangerous, dark past.”

This does zero into getting us interested enough to watch it. Throw in a cocaine werewolf (they kinda all act like they’re on cocaine, now that I think about it), and you’ll get my attention.

SUBJECT / Release pending 2023 (Screambox™)

“A man is ensnared in a sinister government experiment. On his way to prison, Willem is presented with an intriguing offer: take part in a shadowy government experiment and have his sentence commuted. But little does he know his isolation experiment may not be what it seems, casting doubt upon his perceived solitude and raising questions about his true state of aloneness.”

They had me at shadowy government experiment, which pretty much sums up my life these days.

Monster Auction, Pharmaceutical Felines, Terrible Whales

Got a few hundred thousand spare bitcoin laying around? Then you might wanna head over to PropstoreAuction and get your fan freak on at all the cool movie memorabilia going up for grabs in Los Angeles, June 28 — 30, 2023. And you can preorder the auction catalog for a wallet-stopping $60 to see all the horror/sci-fi/fantasy movie props going up on the auction chopping block. (click here)

Want the evil clown doll from Poltergeist (1982)? It’s expected to bid out between $200,000 to $400,000. Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia dress from the original Star Wars movies and the Batpod used by Christian Bale in The Dark Knight (2008)? Yeah, projected to fetch around $2,000,000 each. Need Harry Potter’s distressed costume with glasses from 2002’s Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? Expensive, but you do need a new enchanted bathrobe, yes?

Other props include Jason Voorhees’ hockey mask from Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Thor’s cracked Mjolnir hammer used by both Natalie Portman and Chris Hemsworth in 2022’s Thor: Love and Thunder, one of Harrison Ford’s costumes from Blade Runner (1982), and that super scary spider head from John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982).

From PropstoreAuction’s website: “Propstore is holding a preview exhibition at its office facility in Valencia, CA by appointment from May 29 to June 20. The exhibition will feature over 80 lots, giving fans and hopeful bidders the chance to see props and costumes from the auction up close and ask questions to the specialists.” Click here for more info than I have time to include.

So while we all fantasize about driving the Batpod to the store while wearing Princess Lei’s dress and Jason’s hockey mask, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as super scary as a spider head…

COCAINE COUGAR / Out now (DVD/Blu-ray), Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A cougar high on cocaine escapes an animal testing facility and wrecks havoc on Los Angeles.”

Cougars in L.A. doing cocaine? When haven’t they? 

MOTHER, MAY I? / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“Emmett wants to clean and flip his recently deceased mother’s house: get in, get out, and avoid any trauma still lingering from when she abandoned him as a young child. Anya, his fiancé, see’s this as an opportunity to finally force Emmett to deal with his trauma because she believes it is preventing him from being the partner she needs. So she convinces him to take mushrooms to get him to let go. But something strange happens while they’re tripping: she starts behaving like his mother. The next morning he wakes up sober, but she still won’t drop the act. Anya loves playing games — is this her taking it too far? Or did his mother’s spirit somehow possess her?”

This is what happens when you take drugs. Stick to beer and stay out of trouble. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

WHALE GOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD/DVD/Blu-ray™)

“Once a year, the quiet fishing village of Wadaura in Southern Japan is in a turmoil. The whalers have always concentrated their efforts to try and catch a Killer Whale which is easily twice as large as an ordinary leviathan, and passes by in the offing at the same time every year. Shaki, whose grandfather, father, and elder brother were all victims of the Killer Whale, is determined to kill it. As an inducement, the headman of the village promises to give his only daughter and all his possessions to anyone who succeeds in disposing of the terrible whale.”

This one came out in Japan in 1962 marketed under the generic title, Killer Whale. Now, six decades later, we’re finally gonna be able to see this lost Kaiju movie, with the title amphibian being a practical special effect and, get this, built to scale! Watch the trailer on YouTube™ to see how b*tchin’ cool this Orcinus orca is.

THE MOVERS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A close-knit family who moves into a seemingly charming neighborhood, only to discover all is not what it appears. As they face persistent threats, the family begins to question their reality and the world around them. It’s a nightmarish universe of deceiving angels and compassionate demons, lost souls desperately seeking a way out.”

I live in a seemingly charming neighborhood as well, and it has a deceiving angel (me) and compassionate demons (Amazon™ delivery people). 

Macabre Music, Voodoo Teenagers, Evil Boat Safety

Wednesday, the monster murder mystery spin-off of The Addams Family, became a global phenomenon with its premier on November 22, 2023, and is Netflix’s™ most popular comedy series to date. That’s an understatement. According to my exhaustive research (cut ’n pasting from Wikipedia™), Wednesday holds the record of most hours viewed in a week for an English-language Netflix™ series with a total 341.2 million hours watched in its first week of release, amounting to more than 50 million households, and passing prior record holder Stranger Things 4’s 335.01 million hours. Nielsen Media Research™ reported a combined watch time of 6 billion minutes within its first week of release, making it the second-biggest streaming week ever recorded by the firm.” 

Foaming at the mouth fans cite the series’ music as an ongoing highlight. And now you can get the soundtrack as limited edition colored vinyl to quench your Wednesday obsession. From the press release: “Wednesday’s first season soundtrack is available on vinyl for $35 via Lakeshore Records. Expected to ship in July/August 2023, the score is composed by Danny Elfman (Batman, Men in Black) and Chris Bacon (Bates Motel, Source Code). The album is pressed on 2xLP vinyl with three color variants: “Enid’s Pink Sweater” (Mondo™ exclusive, limited to 500), “Wednesday & Enid’s Room” (Walmart™ exclusive), and “Purple Goth with Smokey Shadow” (retail version). It’s housed in a gatefold jacket.”

It should be noted that the soundtrack does not contain the series’ other music, such as the nimble-fingered cello interpretation of the Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black”, the acoustic instrumental (or would that be “instrumetal”?) rendition of Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters”, and The Cramps’ Goth punk pop, “Goo Goo Muck’, which sparked Wednesday’s dance craze and topped the charts over 40 years after its release in 1980. (P.S. “Goo Goo Muck” was written by Ronnie Cook and the Gaylads all the way back in 1962, the year non-dyed Goth punk pop was born.)

While we frantically preorder the soundtrack (take me there), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature a Goth punk pop song…

DEVILREAUX / June 9, 2023 (VOD), July 18, 2023 (DVD)

“A series of murders in 1800s will be avenged by forbidden voodoo, woken up accidentally by a group of teenagers.”

Seems like this plot is backward: “A group of forbidden teenagers is woken up by voodoo.” Then change voodoo to social media.

BEDRIDDEN / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“On the evening of their anniversary, Ray is attacked and murdered by a masked assailant in a desolate motel room while his wife, Teri, is forced to watch. Teri now faces the reality of rebuilding her life as a single mom without her beloved husband. Desperate to communicate one last time with Ray, she uses a mysterious Ouija board to try to reach out to the other side. Doing so opens up a portal that puts her and her daughter’s lives in danger. When her worst fears seemingly come true, Teri finds herself bedridden and trapped in a cat-and-mouse game of life and death.”

So Teri uses a Ouija board to talk to her dead husband. She should be using Dead Speak Pro™, an app that connects you to the spirit world. It has lots of spooky features and is free on Google Play™.

MOTORBOAT / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“A rural lakeside community is terrorized by a demonic black boat prowling its waters, killing locals and turning the waters blood red. A fallen Priest and a no nonsense Harbor Patrol Captain have to fight a decades long evil, resurrected by a death cult, the Brotherhood of Darkness, led by the unstoppable Messiah Ward. It’s faith vs. hate in this battle for one town’s soul.”

This makes a mockery of life preservers. Not cool.

THE ONLY ONES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A seemingly harmless weekend getaway turns into a chaotic nightmare as this group proves that when you’ve got friends, who needs enemies?”

With a plot like that, who needs this movie?

Hell Liquor, Animated Titan, Evil Gas

Naga Chilli Vodka™, sporting a demon skull on the label, claims to be the hottest vodka on the planet by its distillers, The Hot Enough Vodka Co.™ They claim its rated at 500,000 Scovilles, the scale used to measure the “heat” of chili peppers, first created by American pharmacist Wilbur Scoville in 1912. (People back then sprinkled gunpowder on their grits, which had a nice kick.) 

To give you a sense of what kind of heat we’re talking about, 500,000 Scovilles puts the vodka in the hell-seeking range of the Red Savina Habanero on a scale that ranges from 350,000 to 750,000. By comparison, the soul-incinerating Ghost Pepper comes in at around 1,000,000 Scovilles. However, GP lost the cremation crown to the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion — which sits warmly at the 1,200,000 mark — and the dreaded Carolina Reaper kicking them all in the ash with a scorched earth 1,500,000+ Scovilles. Any of the these pepper names could easily be a horror movie/horror monster. 

If you can’t stand the heat, here’s a hilarious review of the Naga Chili Vodka™ From Master of Malt™, a booze reviews website: “The Hot Enough Vodka Co.™ have created another monster, summoned from the very bowels of Hell, formed in a vile carboy filled with a horrid mound of Naga Jolokia chillies, steeped in grain vodka. It’s packaged in a handsome, heavy glass bottle with industrial-grade sealing wire and lead security seal (with a skull and crossbones embossed on it). To get to this bottle, you’ll literally have to open it with wire cutters, but we strongly recommend that you don’t. In fact, this unspeakable 500,000 Scovilles vodka is a chilli vodka so horrendous we suggest you don’t even purchase it. Please just shut down your computer and have a nice cup of tea instead. Try to forget what you saw.”

All of that actually makes me wanna try it. So while we all take bar bets on doing shots of this stuff, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/animated series that may or may not be peppery enough for you…

SKULL ISLAND / June 22, 2023 (Netflix™)

“Skull Island takes viewers on a thrilling adventure as a group of kind-hearted explorers rescues Annie from the ocean, unaware that their act of heroism will lead them to the treacherous Skull Island. This enigmatic place is home to bizarre creatures and terrifying monsters, including the mighty titan himself, Kong.”

Been anticipating this one, even though it’s an animated series. Wonder if cartoon gorillas throw their leavings around like the ones at the zoo do. Or would that be…zoo doo? I think I made that joke before. Crap.

NATTY KNOCKS / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“On Halloween Eve, a small-town babysitter and the kids she is looking after struggle to survive a serial killer named Abner Honeywell.”

I liked this better when it was released in 1978.

ALL HALLOWS’ EVE: TRICKSTER / October 2023 (VOD)

“When a lost traveler comes across an isolated rural gas station on Halloween night, she thinks she’s found her way home. Unbeknown to her, the eerie gas station is the residence of a family of degenerate, devilish creatures. As the night descends into a hellish nightmare, the young woman becomes the center of an occult ritual featuring the Devil himself.”

Eerie rural gas stations are the only places you can get unleaded evil.

AMITYVILLE BACKPACK / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

“A rather hapless dude buys a backpack at a garage sale. When people around him turn up dead, he comes to believe his new accessory may be to blame. Tracking its history, he discovers it has connections back to a haunted house in a small town called Amityville.”

A killer backpack. I got a backpack for Christmas one year as a hint to get me away from the TV and get some fresh air and exercise. Alas, it remains in a hall closet, with me preferring to be possessed by the couch.

Super Smock, Heavy Metal Death, Grasshopper Man

Yahoo! Life™ recently posted an article by writer Eric Dias titled, The Complete Supergirl Costume History From the ’50s to The Flash. A daunting task given it also includes her costume evolution through the comic book/graphic novels and TV shows as well as movies. Well-researched as the article is (read it here), it didn’t scratch the surface of all the Multiverse Forever 21s™ Supergirl shops at. (Note of debatable importance: It also didn’t acknowledge the 1920s AI fan-made Supergirl on YouTube™, sporting white ensemble with gold belt and black boots. At least I think it’s those colors — it’s all in black and white, which were the colors of the day in the ’20s.)

The article also left out the first two iterations of TV Supergirl’s costume, designed by co-worker Winn Schott (cool name). Both were, um, rather stripped down before settling on the classic cape ‘n skirt version from the comic books and the Supergirl movie from 1984. Also not noted was the Supergirl “costume” worn by Laura Vandervoort in the coming-of-age superhero CW™ TV series, Smallville (2001 – 2011). Her outfit was exactly like the iconic supersuit, except she didn’t have a cape or an “S” on her chest, which didn’t need embellishment.

This brings us to 2023’s Supergirl in the upcoming (as of this writing) The Flash movie, with Sasha Calle as Kara Zor-El wearing a costume that combines the TV Supergirl’s casual Friday pant suit with that of Superman, whose been wearing the same duds since 1938.

So while we all go shopping online to get our Supergirl cosplay on, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you look fat…

DAY ZERO / May 23, 2023 (VOD), June 11, 2023 (Blu-ray/DVD)

“After serving eight incident-free years in prison, a former elite soldier is released, finally free to reunite with his estranged wife and young daughter. However, he re-enters civilization only to discover that the outside world has been completely overtaken by a dangerous virus with terrifying effects on the human body.”

What virus doesn’t have a dangerous effect on the body? I once caught smooth jazzitis after accidentally drinking a Zima™ from a dirty sippy cup (I thought it was vodka), but thanks to applied doses of Motörhead lozenges, I made a full recovery. 

DEATH METAL / May 30, 2023 (Blu-ray)

“A death metal band is on its last legs after a disastrous European tour and is about to be dropped by their label. Hiring a legendary producer from the Norwegian black metal scene, the band sets out to record their latest album in a remote farmhouse outfitted with top-of-the-line gear. Ivan, the lead guitarist, plans to record The Devil’s Concerto, a piece of music he brought back from Europe that — according to myth — drives audiences mad. What the band didn’t expect was that the myth was true, and they must now survive the curse that’s been unleashed.”

The Devil’s Concerto is played in the key of E(vil). Heh. Looking forward to the soundtrack as it includes concertos by Incantation, Cannibal Corpse, Shed the Skin, FaithXtractor, Embalmer, Nunslaughter, Blackfinger, The Convalescence, Prophecy of Azrael, and Casket Sacrifice. They all seem nice.

THE SOUND OF SUMMER / June 13, 2023 (Blu-ray)

In the relentless heat of the grueling summer, temperatures soar to blistering levels as cicadas emerge to sing their ear-shattering song. Months of continued exposure is enough to make anyone start to feel a little off. Anyone, that is, except that oddity the locals call the Cicada Man. Who is that strange man and why is he always walking around with boxes full of live cicadas? More important, what does he do with them? As the heat starts to get to our heroine, and her sanity depletes, real life and delusion begin to mix. Her darkest nightmares seep into our world and she fears the Cicada Man has planted his swarm of insects inside her. She must get them out — at all costs. Thus begins her downward spiral into extreme paranoia and self-mutilation.”

Cicada is just a fancy word for grasshopper. Still, they had me at “cicadas emerge to sing their ear-shattering song.” Wouldn’t have the same zing if it was “grasshoppers emerge to sing their ear-shattering song.”

THE HOPEWELL HAUNTING / June 16 2023 (VOD)

“When a mysterious and frightened young couple arrives in the small town of Hopewell, they immediately flee their rural, dilapidated home in terror. With nowhere to go, they turn to an elderly, jaded preacher for help. After he begrudgingly agrees to bless their troubled abode, he finds himself face to face with the unknown in what locals have dubbed the most haunted house in Kentucky.”

Kentucky, eh? Maybe they should call this The Amityville Hillbilly.

Hooker Horror, Goat Gore, Strange Children

The dark comedy cult horror hit, Frankenhooker came out in 1990. Sporting one of the best movie titles ever in the history of ever, you can now, for the first time in three decades, get officially-licensed Frankenhooker merch from one of the best horror swag sites, Fright-Rags.com. They’re featuring five different shirt designs and even Frankenhooker socks, because why not?

You say you haven’t seen Frankenhooker? Here’s the detailings: “Jeffrey Franken, a medical student, sets out to recreate his decapitated fiancée by building her a new body made of New York prostitutes.” Best. Plot. Ever. So how did his fiancée get decapitated? A lawnmower. How did he get the body parts from the NY prostitutes? Giving them super-crack to smoke, which made them explode. (One of the funniest scenes is when Zorro, their pimp, gets knocked out by a flying hooker head that just blew off.) They just don’t make ‘em like this anymore.

So while you rent the movie and click on over to Fright-Rags to get some cool Frankenhooker adornments (buy ’em), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna get a lawnmower haircut…

GOATMAN / Out now (VOD)

“A news reporter and her crew investigating the legend of Goatman in a dense forest find themselves in danger, and getting a bigger story than any of them could imagine.”

Wonder if Goatman’s first name is Billy?

DARKEST OF LIES / Out now (VOD)

“Army vet Travis reluctantly follows his wife Rochelle to the West Coast after she lands a life-changing job. Living with the scars of war, and waning off an opioid addiction, he struggles to find a sense of belonging in the couple’s new home. However, his best efforts are thwarted by an onset of horrifying hallucinations and dark visions.”

Then Travis better not go to the Tug Tavern for Horrifying Hallucinations ’n Dark Visions Night: a keg of freshness-expired Steel Reserve™ is $1.00 a pint until the first person goes to the bathroom. Then it’s .50 cents.

SEIRE / June 16, 2023 (VOD)

“Woojin, who has just became the father of a newborn baby, hears that Seyoung, whom he had once dated, has died. He goes to her funeral without telling his wife, and comes across Yeyoung, Seoyung’s twin sister. Following this encounter, Woojin and his family experience a series of horrific misfortunes.”

The first horrific misfortune was being named “Woojin.”

VIOLETT / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“A series of strange child disappearances have left the rural town of Miles in a state of disbelief. Shadows of grief reverberate through the streets and into a silenced home, where sick mother Sonya fears unspeakable evil will soon snatch her 11-year-old daughter Violett. Disconnected from her husband, Sonya’s paranoia forms the dregs of a once troubled childhood which threatens her sanity and the things she loves most. As bizarre visions and disturbing characters from the neighborhood emerge, Sonya is about to discover more than just one grisly truth.”

Strange children disappearing? Um, they need to change that sentence to “strange disappearances of children” so I can get back to my bizarre visions. 

Godzilla Burns For You, Ghost Maid, Wood God

Tripped across an unboxing of Spiral Studios’ Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series — Burning Godzilla Standard Edition (ST-BGS003) while looking for porn, I mean, healthy eating videos. I’ve seen a ton of porn, I mean, monster model de-boxings, but this one was so good, I had to go wash my hands afterward. Ahem. 

In the video the Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series — Burning Godzilla Standard Edition is assembled and plugged in to mind-dissolving effect. The model measures out at 20.1 x 14.3 x 34.6 inches, is made of translucent resin, and the detailing is microscopic. Better still, the Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series — Burning Godzilla Deluxe Edition (DX-BGS004), featuring Godzilla sporting Mothra’s energy wings, making the specs a staggering 41.4 x 39.8 x 37.87 inches. More awesomeness: the model sits on a stand atop an obliterated Boston.

The Standard Edition costs $1,449.99 (buy it here) and the Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series Deluxe Edition is $2,399.99 (buy it here). Heads up — both are limited to several hundred pieces, so don’t dawdle (sorry — word of the day calendar).

So while we bemoan thew fact we may not have enough left in our retirement accounts (ahem), visit Spiral Studios and check out their Mothra Larva, Queen Muto, Titanus Behemoth and Godzilla Legacy figures. In the meantime, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as cool as healthy eating videos…

SLEEPING BEAUTIES / Out now (Tubi™)

“Cahya gets a job as a maid working in an isolated old mansion. Pregnant and a recent widow, she is desperate to reconnect with her husband, opening a doorway to the spirit world. And in doing so, inadvertently awakens the tormented ghosts of her current employer, the previous maids.”

An isolated mansion? A doorway to the spirit world? Tormented ghosts? A rewarding careering in maiding? Where the hell do I apply?

CREEPYPASTA / May 23, 2023 (Screambox™)

“Trapped in an abandoned house, a young man desperately searches for clues to how he got there. The answer is hidden within a series of disturbing viral videos — each of which begins to infect his mind.”

Sound more like Crappypasta.

THE ERL KING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a young woman from a strict, colonial village suddenly finds herself seduced by an ancient woodland god, she falls into a fantastical romance that quickly threatens to consume her.”

This is a remake of the 1931 movie of the same name, although back then it was titled Le roi des aulnes. That’s all French to me.

SHAKY SHIVERS / Release pending 2023 (Screambox™)

“Two young women find themselves facing a series of supernatural occurrences after a fateful encounter with an old woman. As zombies, werewolves and Bigfoot wreak havoc, the duo must navigate a wild night, armed with an unfamiliar spell book, to restore order before their lives unravel completely.”

Zombies, werewolves AND Bigfoot? I need to call the Academy™ and get this thing nominated.

More Megalodons, AI Sci-Fi, Cutlery Kids

As mystically foretold on my May 9, 2023 blogging, here are three more/new ad sheets for Meg 2: The Trench, these coming from the incredibly prolific Xin Yi Lian, whose done countless movie art, including Time Raiders, Journey to the West: Reincarnation of the Demon King, and the 2021 Chinese 3D animated fantasy action film, Xin Shen Bang: Ne Zha Chongsheng. I don’t know what that means.

The new art — like the movie’s trailer — promises more giant and super mean creatures from the bottom of the ocean, including a kaiju-esque Kraken (Seattle hockey franchise AND big squid) and THREE megs. Releasing on August 4, 2023, Meg 2: The Trench looks to chew up and sh*t out the summer box office competition.

So while we wait for even more Meg 2 movie posters (there were 26 for the first movie), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as easily pronounceable as Xin Shen Bang: Ne Zha Chongsheng…

TRANSMUTATORS / Out now (VOD)

“Set in a time when mutants and behemoth alien warriors have come to a rule, a rebel group of survivors must embrace mega fighting machines to take on intergalactic invaders threatening humanity. 

This Filipino science fiction action film, or “movie”, was originally called Resiklo, which translates to Recycle. Given the photocopied plot plot, that sounds about right…

THE CREATOR / September 29, 2023 (Theaters)

“Amid a future war between the human race and the forces of Artificial Intelligence, Joshua, a hardened ex-special forces agent grieving the disappearance of his wife, is recruited to hunt down and kill the Creator, the elusive architect of advanced AI who has developed a mysterious weapon with the power to end the war — and mankind itself.”

The Terminator is listed as one of the screenwriters.

HORRORSCOPE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of college friends who, after getting their horoscopes read, begin dying in ways connected to their fortunes. Are their fates fatal or can they change what’s written in the stars?”

So college friends begin dying and it’s asked if their fates are fatal? Who wrote this — a college student? 

TIME OF MOULTING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In a small town in 1970s West Germany, Stephanie is raised by two parents who have no business having children. The mother, never far from despair-induced collapse, suffers from an unspecified medical condition — one both mental and physical. The father makes it clear that he has no patience for his daughter Young Stephanie takes solace in exploring the mysteries hidden away in the increasingly untidy house, particularly the trunk full of her grandfather’s butcher’s equipment; older Stephanie takes far more sinister comfort in the tools found therein.”

Say what you will about kids playing with butcher tools — at least it keeps ’em away from drugs.