Black and White Ghosts

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 28, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ju-On: White Ghost Black Ghost

Ju-On: White Ghost/Black Ghost (2009) is two films (eighth and ninth) in the successful but ground-into-the-ground Ju-On/Grudge horror movie franchise. There are 11 such movies, 12 if you include the crossover mash-up Sadako vs. Kayako having been released in Japan on June 18, 2016. The only thing that sucks worse than 12 movies featuring pretty much the same theme/ghost creature(s), is not being able to see it. (SvK is only available in Japan with no release plans as of yet for me to check it out. Those dicks.)

Ju-On: White Ghost Black Ghost

With Ju-On, meaning “curse” and/or “grudge”, a person (not me) can be infected by the touch of a revenge wadded spirit, all of whom look the same: pure white skin with long black ick hair and a creaky door hinge sound that emanates from a mouth held wide open. Spooky the first seven times, but not so much anymore.

Ju-On: White Ghost Black Ghost

White Ghost/Black Ghost is two tales of violent family happenings told out of sequence in character perspectives. Ingredients inlcude vengeance, violence and creaky door hinge mouth sounds. The “grudge” gets into the young uncle of a family: cute little niece, older sarcastic niece, mom, dad and loony tunes grandma. Uncle is pedophile weird and snaps once the grudge gets all up in his wheelhouse. He then quietly and wordlessly murders the entire family, several in f’d up gruesome ways.

Ju-On: White Ghost Black Ghost

How gruesome? In short segments, you see the before and aftermath of what happened. (Hard to keep track, especially with the sub-titles and the moving of lips while trying to read ’em). But once you see the deadly deeds, it all fits together like a pain puzzle at the end with everything visually explained. (One in particular hard to watch.)

Ju-On: White Ghost Black Ghost

Same thing in Black Ghost. This time it’s a young girl who was supposed to be a twin, but was born solo. Seems the stronger fetus “assimilated” the weaker one, and absorbed what was to be her soul. Now, years later, the womb mate wants her turn in the spotlight. And thanks to their really hot young aunt with witch-y inclinations, she puts the “you” in uterus.

Ju-On: White Ghost Black Ghost

The exorcising segment is entertaining for two reasons: the unborn sister’s face pushing up through the host stomach (quite unintentionally funny), and the aunt making quick, protective hand motions over her niece’s body. Looked like she was trying to fling metaphysical peanut butter off her fingers. And what happens next is pure peanut butter hitting the fan.

Two ghost movies for the price of one, neither of which are particularly scary, but with enough harsh moments to make creaky door hinge sounds leak out of your yap.

Return of the Evil Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Return of the Evil Dead

The second in four installments of the Spanish Blind Dead series, Return of the Evil Dead (aka, Return of the Blind Dead, Attack of the Blind Dead, El Ataque de los Muertos Sin Ojos/1973) begins with villagers way angry that the Templar Knights (yeah, those guys again) have been sacrificing the locals and drinking their Bloodweiser™.

Return of the Evil Dead

Rounded up to be burned alive, the head heretic vows revenge from the grave. (Wouldn’t you? I thought as much.) The villagers use their torches to burn out the knight’s eyes so they can’t find their way back to the village to revenge them in the future. Then they bury the bodies in cement crypts — in the local graveyard. Nice going, asshats; you’ve f’d your descendants in the b-hole.

Return of the Evil Dead

Five hundred years later it’s the Roasting of the Heathens Centennial BBQ & Box Social, with the whole hamlet turning out to drink, dance and rhythmic hand clap as symbolic Templar dummies are ceremoniously torched. But wasn’t this the very same day the Knights were prophesied to return from the dead for retribution purposes? Somebody forgot to check their iCalendar™.

Return of the Evil Dead

The celebration is a bust when the Knights show up to stab everyone in the eyes. Escape attempts are pitiful, which is suspect; The Knights move about as fast as Templar Slugs going uphill, and yet no one seems to outrun them. But wait, the church has a holy blow torch and a bottle of sacrament gasoline next to the storage room full of unused bibles. All praise makeshift weaponry.

Return of the Evil Dead

A few bare boobies, some blood, a sliced head and arm. If anyone had read the Templar Knight instructions, all they had to do was wait until the sun came up, then those shrouded bad boys would go happily back to their graves for another 500 years. But people would rather swing torches around than use common sense when dealing with the vengeful undead.

P.S. This use of the extended noun phrase “the evil dead” predated The Evil Dead (1981) by EIGHT WHOLE YEARS! And you didn’t think you were gonna learn anything new this day.

Getting Soaked With Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

Looks like the new release horror/sci-fi movie/TV hose is going from dribble to Willy Water™ in no time as film studios pump up for a hopefully powerful Fall/Halloween release schedule. (P.S. Willy Water™ is a gas – I play with mine daily. Okay, that didn’t come out right.)

American Horror Story / Fear The Walking Dead

Horror TV has come a long way in the past seven years on the heels of the staggering critical and commercial success of The Walking Dead. The Internet is soiling itself speculating which of the beleagured group gets a home run hit to the brain bag with a barb-wire baseball bat, the excruciating cliffhanger from season 6. Like you, I have my theories. But I’m probably right and everyone on the Internet is wrong. I won’t gloat, though.

The Strain / iZombie

Then we have the final season of American Horror Story, the third season of Fear The Walking Dead (triple yawn) the third season of The Strain, and upcoming season three of iZombie (fun show – LOTS of brain eating recipes.) And if you haven’t seen ’em, reserve some butt/couch time for Stranger Things (left field awesome) and released earlier this year, The Returned (French made/subtitled – exquisitely creepy and…different.)

Stranger Things / The Returned

Amazingly, The Exorcist, a new TV series, is making its debut September 23, 2016 on Fox™. Not sure how they’re gonna pull this one off other than “demon of the week” with an exorcist guy getting “cross” (heh) with ’em. I’ll give it a shot, but it sounds like Constantine right outta the pew.

There’s more horror TV – all you have to do is slouch on the couch and watch ‘em. As for new horror movies, here’s another batch for your time-wasting consideration…

The Exorcist / Abattoir

ABATTOIR (in post-production as of this e-burping)
Plot: “A real estate reporter investigates a mysterious old man who is building a haunted house constructed from rooms where deaths have occurred.”
Thoughts: Sounds like a refreshing take on the haunted house theme that’s clogging up theaters with teen jump scare moments galore.

Guardians / The Disappointment's Room

GUARDIANS (Russia/February 23, 2017)
Plot: “During the Cold War an organization called Patriot created a superhero squad, which includes members of multiple Soviet Republics. For years the heroes had to hide their identities, but in hard times they must show themselves again.”
Thoughts: I liked it better when it was called The Avengers/Watchmen.

THE DISAPPOINTMENT’S ROOM (September 9, 2016)
Plot: “A mother and her young son release unimaginable horrors from the attic of their rural dream home.”
Thoughts: YET ANOTHER haunted house theme that’s clogging up theaters with teen jump scare moments galore.

Ouija: Origin of Evil / Daylight's End

OUIJA: ORIGIN OF EVIL (October 21, 2016)
Plot: The sequel takes place in 1965 Los Angeles where a widowed mother and her two daughters add a new stunt to bolster their séance scam business and unwittingly invite authentic evil into their home. The youngest daughter is overtaken by the merciless spirit, forcing this small family to confront unthinkable fears to save her and send her possessor back to the other side.
Thoughts: I’ve seen this before. You’ve seen this before, We’ve ALL seen this before. It’ll be the origin of stupidity if either of all of us pays to see it again.

DAYLIGHT’S END (out now)
Plot: “Years after a plague turns most of humanity into monsters, a rogue drifter agrees to guide a band of survivors to sanctuary.”
Thoughts: YET ANOTHER zombie movie with the SAME PLOT as about a thousand million other zombie movies.

Willy Water

The Horror of New Horror

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

New Horror

Four new ones to fill your 2016 fall horror movie e-calendar: Rings (milking to the point of chafing the tired Japanese franchise), The House on Pine Street (yet another haunted house movie jumping on the bandwagon), The Blair Witch (a re-boot to a rip-off of a horror movie that never should have been made in the first place), and The Neighbour (yet another generically titled slasher flick).

Do you think me wicked for snarking on these movies before they’re even released? You should. But having seen more horror movies than the average viewer since birth, I’ve watched how lazy filmmakers have become (new faces, same plots) and how greedy they remain (re-boots = cash money bling dollaz).

So yeah – here are each movie’s plops, uh, plots. Take a read and feel free to tell me I’m wrong…

Rings

RINGS (releasing October 28, 2016)
“A new chapter in the beloved Ring horror franchise. A young woman becomes worried about her boyfriend when he explores a dark subculture surrounding a mysterious videotape said to kill the watcher seven days after he has viewed it. She sacrifices herself to save her boyfriend and in doing so makes a horrifying discovery: there is a “movie within the movie” that no one has ever seen before.”
Note: We’ve seen this before. About three times.

The House on Pine Street

THE HOUSE ON PINE STREET (releasing September 20, 2016)
Jennifer is seven months pregnant and reluctantly returning to her hometown in Kansas, after an unexpected mental breakdown. Coping with her fears of motherhood, a strained relationship with her husband and the overbearing presence of her own mother, Jennifer struggles to regain control of her life. But when strange things start happening in their new rental home, Jennifer begins to fear that it may be haunted. Alone in her convictions, Jennifer is forced to question her sanity as she attempts to find out what, if anything, is plaguing the house.”
Note: This scenario has been done so many times, why don’t they put a spin on it and make the husband pregnant? If not scary, at least funny.

Blair Witch

BLAIR WITCH (releasing September 16, 2016)
“A group of college students venture into the Black Hills Forest in Maryland to uncover the mysteries surrounding the disappearance of James’ sister who many believe is connected to the legend of the Blair Witch. At first the group is hopeful, especially when a pair of locals offer to act as guides through the dark and winding woods, but as the endless night wears on, the group is visited by a menacing presence. Slowly, they begin to realize the legend is all too real and more sinister than they could have imagined.”
Note: If you saw The Blair Witch Project back in 1999, prepare to pay to see it again. Don’t believe me? Watch the trailer – same movie.)

The Neighbour

THE NEIGHBOUR (releasing September 6, 2016)
“In the small town of Cutter, Mississippi, army veteran John and his wife Rosie live on a run-down ranch, dreaming of one day escaping to Mexico. On the day they plan to finally leave, Rosie disappears. John thinks his mysterious neighbour Troy, might have something to do with it, and breaks into his house that night and discovers a secret far more sinister than he could ever imagine.”
Note: Why pay to see this when you can get it for free on the news every other night? I bet they took the plot from the news. The news should sue them.

Medieval Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Army of Darkness

The tag line for the awesomely hilarious Army of Darkness (1993) says it best: “Trapped in time, surrounded by evil, low on gas.” That’s gosh-darned funnier than all heck.

Army of Darkness

Ash gets sucked into a swirly time portal after battling the evil dead in Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987). He and his 1973 Oldsmobile are dropped from the sky into a back in time land currently being plagued by, yep, more evil dead.

Army of Darkness

Having lost his hand by his own hand (heh) in Evil Dead 2 and having replaced it with a chain saw, Ash reluctantly joins forces with the local king to battle the dead after Ash himself accidentally invokes them. See, Ash’s only way home is with the Necronomicon, a demonic book whose cover is made of human flesh (instead of preferred edible cardboard).

Army of DarknessHe has to go into the fog-shrouded Land of the Dead to get it, utter an incantation (which he hilariously screws up), and then haul future buttock back to the castle to say his click your heels three times goodbyes.

Army of Darkness

The Deadites (great name) want their book back, Ash is stuck, and everyone hates his guts. This thing is loaded with awesome evil dead demons, a ton of Three Stooges pratfalls, and an endless stream of classic Ash retorts: “Hail to the King, baby!,” “Gimme some sugar, baby,” and the timelessly brilliant: “Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up…”

Ash/Bruce Campbell is the Marlon Brando of all things evil and dead.

The Swimming Dead

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , on August 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead In The Water

In the predictably lifeless Dead in the Water (2006), two teen sisters take their boyfriends up to their parents’ cabin by the lake for some bra-unclasping action and zombie encounters. One of those activities is a real mood killer.

Dead In The Water

As night falls, the living dead come out of the lake and track mud all over the place. Everything is filmed so dark you can’t tell whether the zombies are wearing swim suits or not. The kills are weak, as is the storyline (something about a zombies coming back from the dead).

Dead In The Water

One of the girls finds a severed arm in the water. The zombies come back to get it. I think. Scratching herself with the dead hand, the girl becomes infected and… You know the rest.

If all of this sounds like a rehash of the The Evil Dead (1981), you get a cookie.

Flee From This Flea

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , on August 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Weresquito: Nazi Hunter

Another one for the “now I’ve heard everything” file: Weresquito: Nazi Hunter. And in case you think I’m making this up, here’s the movie’s plot…

Weresquito: Nazi Hunter

“Horrific Nazi experiments have left a surviving WWII soldier with a terrifying condition: at the sight of fresh blood, he transforms into a man-sized, blood-sucking killer insect!”

Yeah, it’s a horror comedy, even going so far as to being filmed in sepia tone. And when the blood flows, it’s bright red. Pretty slick.

Weresquito: Nazi Hunter

Not sure when Weresquito: Nazi Hunter comes out. (Sometime in 2016 according to the ad poster.) But when it does, put me in the “probably should see it” file.

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