Celebrity Sharks

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens

You know when you hear the same joke too many times, it’s just not funny anymore? Put the upcoming Sharknado: The 4th Awakens in that category. Yeah, they’re doing YET ANOTHER one. And it’s not even about the sharks anymore, but rather a cameo showcase for a ton of generally unemployable celebrities. Kinda like Hollywood Squares with splatter.

Sharknado 4th goes like this: “The events takes place five years after the East Coast was ravaged in last summer’s Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (2015) Fin, his family, and the cosmos have been blissfully sharknado-free in the intervening years, but now sharks – and ‘nados! – are being whipped up in places (and ways) least expected.”

Sounds like all they did was change the title.

Of the unending cast of consumables is Motley Crue’s Vince Neil (he quit his day job), Corey Taylor from Slipknot (he wears a mask as a career all the time – how do we know it’s the real Corey?), Gary Busey (still scarier than any shark that ever existed), and Cheryl Tiegs (old supermodels still need to work).

Sharknado: The 4th Awakens releases July 31, 2016. There’s still time for you to get a spot in the movie. Everybody else is doing it.

Vomit Zombies

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mortuary

Most kids would think that having their mom be a mortician as a modern woman career choice would be pretty dang cool. But why did she have to move her teen son and nine-year-old daughter into a decrepit mortuary in a small, blue collar stink town to explore job opportunities? Having the business by the local interstate where car crashes seem to happen on a daily basis was a prudent choice, though. Location is everything.

Mortuary

But the town legend has it the deformed kid with crooked lips who lived in the house years ago IS STILL THERE. That, of course, is like handing an engraved invitation to the local booze-sneaking teens who break into the cemetery located in the front yard (!) to make graveyard babies among the deceptively romantic crypts.

Mortuary

But while mom’s in the basement learning how to embalm, leaking fluids are absorbed by the evilness in the house and makes black gunk grow on the walls. It also gets into the party teens, turning them into vomit zombies. You do not want zombie vomit on your face as it will turn YOU into a vomit zombie. That, and the stains are really hard to get out of your shirt.

MortuaryMore zombies, more vomit, more fun. When mom turns into one of the spewing undead and her non-living associates converge on the house, a warm fuzzy feeling comes over you as there’s no way out for the uninfected teens. As if out of the blue, the deformed kid with crooked lips, now an adult, kidnaps the teen brother’s little sister and takes her away into his under-the-cemetery lair. The zombies follow because hey, zombie rules, man.

MortuaryLike trapped mall rats, the teens are flanked by the walking dead, the deformed kid who’s now holding the little girl over a big hole in the ground, and a demonic tooth worm that lives in the hole, waiting to be fed. What to do? Personally, I’d crap my pants then and there.

Mortuary

Mortuary (2005) is brimming with horrific ingredients bookended by some pretty funny turns. Not too bad for a low-budget horror flick, but the total hack ending certainly won’t make your lips go all crooked.

Killer Flowers

Posted in Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Premonition

Also known as The Impure and Head, Premonition (1972) is a cautionary horror turd about the ramifications of doing non-prescription drugs.

Premonition

College hippies, not content with chugging Nyquil™ or snorting crushed up baby aspirin to open their doors of perception, find red flowers with reputed mind-expanding properties, and decide to put that to the test. But a rose by any other name is not exactly so in this case.

Premonition

Once the flower’s fun stuff gets into your body, you experience premonitions about your own death. (Note: this does not happen when you try to get high off yellow or lavender flowers. Those will just make you load yer britches.)

Premonition And if you didn’t figure it out, each dies in the manner they premonitioned. I tried the red flower and “saw” myself drowning in beer. The flower was right — I’ve been doing that every day of my life.

Hey, You Hellhounds – Get Off My Lawn

Posted in Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellhounds

Kleitos loves Demetria, so he marries her. This makes Theron so jealous mad, he poisons her wedding wine and she dies. Everyone could’ve called it a day right there, but Kleitos learns from a local witch with an overbite that Demetria’s soul is hung up in Purgatory, awaiting to be wed by Hades himself. Well, dang.

Hellhounds

Kleitos, doing the man-up thing, leads his finest warriors (including that butt-sausage Theron) to the volcano that acts as the doorway to Hell. (There’s no address, but the name on the mailbox tells ’em they’re in the right place.) Sipping some witch elixir, they’re able to pass through the flames, which would normally turn marshmallows into black goo.

Once inside they have to circumnavigate the endless maze in search of Demetria. (Note: They brought her body along and left it outside in the hopes that when her soul gets close to it, it’ll jump back inside. Better hurry — they don’t call it lividity for nothing.)

Hellhounds

Inside the maze are a couple of devil dogs, or “hellhounds.” They look like regular hounds, only these pups feast on human flesh. Avoiding stepping in anything (if you catch my drift) the sword boys manage to find Demetria, but lose a couple of expendable warriors to snapping dog jaws (off screen) who had no lines. Wouldn’t be right to have the lead guy or girl scarfed up just yet.

Hellhounds

Knowing he’s about to be outed, Theron ambushes Kleitos and leaves him to the dogs. Then he goes outside and says stuff like, “He fought valiantly.” Imagine the look on Theron’s face when Kleitos escapes and stumbles out of the cave. Well, dang. Theron cops to the crime and does battle with Kleitos, only to die after eating a sword sandwich.

Hellhounds

Theron wakes up in (wait for it) Hell, only to find Hades is pulling his large intestines out with a crankshaft. A deal is made: Theron will be allowed to walk among the living and must return Hades’ bashful bride if he wants his internal organs left un-yanked. And he gets to take the dogs with him.

Hellhounds

The trail is easy to follow, as Demetria’s soul keeps wanting to float out of her weakened body and head for a shopping mall. The witch says she must drink the blood of Hades mixed with some sort of magic invisible spring water in order to put the cork back on her soul. Fine, but how the heck is one supposed to find a magic invisible spring? By feeling the ground for a wet spot?

Hellhounds

They gotta snap to it as the hounds of Hell are right on their heels. Since Hellhounds (2009) is first and foremost a love story (with a few internal organs tossed in for flavor) you know how it’s gonna end.

Most everyone gets eaten alive (off screen) by the dogs, and Theron goes back to the screamy place to face his punishment. And Kleitos goes back to power smooching Demetria. And Hades goes back to doing what he does best, which is pulling torso taffy. And yet despite that, it all pretty much stinks.

Neighborhood Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Never Cry Werewolf

In a plot lifted directly from 1985’s Fright Night, a handsome addition to the neighborhood moves into the creepy house next door to a single mom, her young son and hot teen daughter. Intrigued over potential bulges, the teen chick spies at him through a telescope meant for looking at Uranus. It’s there she sees him bring a hottie home for feeling up purposes in a scene that mimics Fright Night (1985) frame for frame. She immediately suspects him to be a werewolf (FN’s neighbor was a vampire).

Never Cry Werewolf

An intersection of blatantly rubber-stamped events leads up to the werewolf shedding its skin, growing huge metal fangs and looking like an inside-out doggy. Suddenly turning into Rambo, the chick (she looks like Christina Ricci, but not as top-heavy) grabs a nearby gun, some silver bullets that also just happens to be nearby, and blasts the pup into pulp. Everybody thinks TV celebrity ass Redd Tucker did it, but he’s a big phony. (Kevin Sorbo in a cookie-cutter role templated by Roddy McDowall’s TV vampire hunter, Peter Vincent. It’s cool how I know all this stuff.)

Never Cry Werewolf

During the confrontation the gal gets marked by the werewolf and her soul belongs to him for all eternity, blah, blah, blah. The punk rock pizza delivery boy gets turned into the new familiar (complete with nose ring and fuchsia streaks in his fur). The werewolf looks sorta cool, but has a plastic face. The chick is mostly wolf whistle worthy.

Never Cry Werewolf

But the rest of Never Cry Werewolf (2008) is too “been there, chewed on that” to be of much interest. I’m jaded. So what. You try reviewing 1,887 horror/sci-fi movies and see how objective YOU are.

Ratting on Rats

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on April 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ratten 2

In the easily enunciated Ratten 2 — Sie kommen wieder! (2006), genetically-altered rodents overtake a small town, first introducing themselves by dropping in on a hot fraulein taking a hot bath and showing das boobies. The rats, pouring out of an air vent over the bath tub, eat most of the girl, leaving nothing worth dating in their wake. Thanks for nothing, rats.

Ratten 2

The vermin, liberated (or “befreit” – German for “be free” I think) by a minimum-wage lab assistant, have been genetically re-designed to die once their body temperature hits zero. (Um, aren’t we all like that?) This is where global warming is really gonna come back to bite us in the environment, as the rats are multiplying faster than math rabbits, and swarm through everyone’s nooks and crannies.

Ratten 2

The plan is to lure them into an underground sewer so they can be frozen with cannisters of freeze-y stuff. Plans like this rarely go right, and one guy has to wade through one hundred thousand rodents to reconnect the wire that’s needed to ka-BOOM the place. That he doesn’t get bitten once was a real letdown. In fact, the muscle mice don’t really do anything cool.

Rats – I thought this was gonna be a good movie about rats.

Ratten 2

Rebirth of Mothra

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rebirth of Mothra

Death Ghidorah (or “Desghidorah” if you speaka de Japanese like me) is a giganto three-headed demon Hydra monster buried under a mountain. He can’t get out because of the Seal of Elias keeping the dirt locked in place. So imagine the look on the logging company’s face when they remove the seal and accidentally let Desghidorah out. Man.

Rebirth of Mothra

Cheering this on is the evil Belvera, a six-inch tall female Elias who rides a height/weight appropriate winged dragon called Garugaru. (He’s not really a dragon, but rather a robot. I can see where you’d get confused.) Her equally-sized sisters Lora and Mona are much nicer and do Uber™ rides Fairy Mothra. Both sides battle to regain the seal to put Desghidorah back in his mountain hole. They’re gonna need help as the very Motorhead-esque Desghidorah is 200 feet tall and shoots flames at anything that looks edible.

Rebirth of Mothra

Summoned by song (one of three, all which are annoying because they don’t have any guitar solos), Mothra, the giant 200-foot long moth who looks like an expensive pipe cleaner, does battle with Des, but keeps getting her plumose antennae snapped. She’s getting too old for this kind of crap and psychically summons Mothra Leo, her son whose still in the egg back home on Elias Island. Hatching prematurely, Leo looks like one of Godzilla’s high-fiber breakfast leavings (complete with rest rings), and swims across the ocean to help mom.

Rebirth of Mothra The tag team partnership doesn’t last long, with Mothra getting clobbered and going out to sea to die like an orange seagull. This p*sses off Leo so he cocoons himself, hatches yet again, and grows into a fully grown Mothra with extra powers (multi-colored energy beams). Good for him.

Rebirth of Mothra

More of a movie for kids, Rebirth of Mothra (1996) does have its adult moments, like when Desghidorah bites into Caterpillar Leo like a hot dog and green/yellow goo shoots out. Probably mustard and relish. Only trees get crushed in this adventure, though a dam takes a strategic hit and flooding water knocks Desghidorah flat on his three-cheeked ass. So, like, that was cool.

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