Armed and Dead(ly)

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 4, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie With A Shotgun

Did you see Hobo With A Shotgun (2011)? yeah, me neither. Seemed kinda dumb. Most people say that about me. Maybe I should get a shotgun and star in a movie that no one will watch. I wouldn’t shoot anybody, though. That’s just mean.

So there’s this knock-off of HWASG called Zombie With A Shotgun (2015). A web mini-series, it’s getting bumped up to first-class, meaning it’ll be made into a movie or “film.”

I hear tell you can see the ‘webisodes” and even the trailer on Vimeo.™ (Weird word – it stands for “video” and “me.” Much like “you” and “tube,” of which it rips off, but is actually better.)

Speaking of ripping off, seems the folks behind Zombie With A Shotgun didn’t have a problem ripping off Hobo With A Shotgun’s title, poster and even the kicker line.

Hobo With A Shotgun

So when will Zombie With A Shotgun be released? Haven’t a clue. What’s it about? What, you can’t guess from the title? Here’s the plot, then – “A couple are trying to survive the zombie apocalypse one shotgun shell at a time. The male is infected and knows that one day soon he will turn and be a serious threat to his beautiful girlfriend.”

Beautiful, eh? And soon to be single, I hear tell.

Sand Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 1, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Oasis of the Zombies

Nazi zombies are guarding six million taxable dollars in gold buried in the Sahara Desert. Dune of the Dead – heh.

Robert, an unmotivated college student needing a haircut and a swift kick in the pants, receives word his father just died. The good news is his dad hasn’t turned into a zombie. The bad news is, HE’S DEAD.

Oasis of the Zombies

While reading dead dad’s diaries, Robert learns about the gold and decides to screw his University degree and get rich quick. For me that’d be a tough call: get degree, buy white collar shirt, work in office building, photocopy butt during company parties, or fight off undead Nazi soldiers? That’s pretty much the only thing standing between me and owning everything plus a swimming pool.

Oasis of the Zombies

Time to go shovel shopping! And hey, why not bring a bunch of tasty friends along, just for enjoyment? The Nazombies don’t want anyone taking their gold, because they need it for investment and retirement purposes, eating those that would make off with their stash. Most of this is done off-camera. Great – a zombie movie that doesn’t show zombies applying their only marketable skill.

Oasis of the Zombies (1981) displays too many plot deviations, about 14 too many characters, and horror moments that aren’t shown. Sigh. And I could’ve gotten my laundry done instead of watching this thing in my bathing suit.

Eating Horror With Your Mouth Full

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 31, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Eaters

Arriving October 6, 2015, the horror movie Eaters promises to be scary, bloody and blood-curdling. Sounds like just another exam day at the proctologist.

The synopsis is typically uninformative and generic: “Five friends embark on an epic road trip, but when one friend disappears at a rest stop, their search brings them face to face with a violent biker gang. After a narrow escape from death, their nightmare goes from bad to spine-chilling when they find themselves being stalked in an abandoned town.”

Why can’t anyone write compelling press releases? There’s nothing in that copy that compels me to seek out Eaters. Heck, the highly descriptive advertising copy put out by my proctologist had me racing to the phone to schedule an appointment.

Eaters / The Eaters

The trailer holds more promise, but given the lazy title (another Eaters and The Eaters – retitled Eat Me – came out in 2010) and plot, I’m gonna need a whole lotta beer to convince me to watch it.

Note to filmmakers – contact me via this blog to get my address so you can send me a whole lotta beer. No fancy pants metro beer, either – I want only the good stuff: Budweiser™. In cans, preferabbly chilled. And would it kill you to throw in a bag of Cheetos™?

Toasty Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 30, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Freddy Krueger toast. Okay, it’s official – I’ve now seen everything.

As high camp as this is, A Nightmare on Elm Street toaster ($54.99 at BigBadToyStore.com), which burns Freddy’s image into bread, is still pretty dang cool. Hey, Jesus has been showing up in tortillas and pancakes for years. Time to share in the wealth.

The press release for this product is hilarious…

“He terrorized your dreams while you slept…and now Freddy Krueger haunts your breakfast when you wake up!”

“But don’t worry — while the Springwood Slasher may have felt the burn, your bread and bagels will only endure the perfect amount of heat, toasting the shape of Freddy’s signature bladed glove into each slice.”

“UL-tested and approved, our collectible toaster includes illuminated function buttons for Cancel, Reheat, and Frozen. The Nightmare on Elm Street logo appears on its stylish, glossy black finish. Watch out – it’s the bastard toast of a thousand loafs!”

Bastard toast of a thousand loafs. Man, that’s killer. All of a sudden I feel sorry for people on gluten-restrictive diets. One can only hope Halloween’s Michael Myers will come out with a line of pre-sliced tofu for those who vomit and get diarrhea from eating sandwiches. Ones not made at 7-Eleven™, anyway.

More Ghosts = Less Scares

Posted in Ghosts, Science Fiction, Evil, TV Vixens, Classic Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 29, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Diabolical

If you were at SXSW back in the ancient days of March 2015, then you might have been one of the chosen few to see a sneak premier of The Diabolical, a new horror/sci-fi ghost movie, which seem to be the rage these days.

For those of us who were not personally invited to SXSW via a handwritten and/or engraved invite delivered on a silk pillow, The Diabolical comes out in the fall of 2015. If privileged people have already seen it, why do we commoners have to flippin’ wait that long? One-percenters suck.

The Diabolical

So yeah, The Diabolical is YET ANOTHER ghost-y movie. I watched the trailer and it reminded me of Poltergeist. Not the 2015 remake (which sucked polter-ass), but the original from 1982. Anyway, here’s how the ghost goes…

“Madison – a single mother – and her children, are awoken nightly by an increasingly strange and intense presence. She seeks help from her scientist boyfriend Nikolai, who begins a hunt to destroy the violent spirit that paranormal experts are too frightened to take on.”

Good luck and all.

In the original Poltergeist there was a haunted steak. Hope The Diabolical can top that.

Poltergeist

Cartoon vs. Carnivore

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Archie vs. Sharknado

Archie vs. Sharknado. Not only am I NOT making it up, it’s actually a for-purchase comic book for $4.99 [click HERE]. As wacky as this is, thankfully it’s not a movie. I don’t think I could take that.

So yeah, famed comic book cartoon icons Archie, Jughead, Betty, Veronica and Reggie –  sugaring up the pop culture pipeline since in 1941 – brave a shark storm after sharknados are spotted on the “Feast” Coast. They have to figure out how to get back to Riverdale, where the storm is about to hit next.

Just once I’d like to see everything hit the fans and their legs and arms get bitten off and splewn (splattered and strewn) all over “Betsy,” Archie’s famed 1916 Ford Model T jalopy. Oh wait, the junk heap was permanently demolished (not by sharks) in Archie Digest #239, published in October 2007.

Now that certain lines have been crossed, there’ nothing left to do except wait for Casper vs. Ghost Hunters.

A Cleaver To Cleave Her

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 26, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cleaver: Rise of the Killer Clown

First e-barfed about Slasher House on November 8, 2010. Promptly forgot about it on November 9, 2010. Not a fan of slasher movies, so I went back to combing my hair. The reason I even bring it up is that there’s a sorta sequel (actually, more a spin-off), called Cleaver: Rise of the Killer Clown, who was a colorfully harmful character in Slasher House.

Hmmm, where did I put my comb?

While the slasher genre bores the living sandwich outta me, there are those in the community that buys into this kind of horror movie. I’ll say this for Cleaver: Rise of the Killer Clown – cool movie posters. And I’ll let them say this about the movie…

Cleaver: Rise of the Killer Clown

“1990 Oklahoma: Carlton Layton arrived home to find his wife in the arms of another man, he went out to his van and donned the clown suit that he used as a children’s entertainer and proceeded to slaughter his wife and her lover. All of this was witnessed by his 5 year old daughter and Carlton escaped into the night leaving his little girl behind.”

“5 Years Later: Halloween night and Carley, a young college student, is hired to take care of a little girl as her parents head out to a Halloween party, but someone one is waiting, someone wants the girl, someone who we know as The Cleaver…”

Slasher House

Always Halloween night and always a college coed. When will filmmakers unhitch from that super dumb/cliched merry-go-round?

Anyway, Cleaver: Rise of the Killer Clown comes out just in time for…Halloween.

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