Future Sci-Fi Bikini

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 1, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Fifth Element

Somewhere between existentialism, a planet-sucking garbage disposal, and painfully dumb, rubber-suited aliens, is The Fifth Element (1997), a sorta serious/sorta comedy sci-fi movie about a supermodel in a Band-Aid™ bikini who is prophesied as the ONLY ONE who can save the world from Judgment Day. Well heck – why didn’t they just put Jesus in a Speedo®?

The Fifth Element

In the 23rd Century, a former military special agent, now a floating cab-driving loser, is re-drafted to stop a commerce-minded Zorg (first name Jean-Baptiste) from stealing ancient magic stones or (“Elements”) he got from the  rubber-suited Mangalores in trade for advanced weaponry.

The Fifth Element

Growing the “perfect being” from a sample of the Elements, scientists were able to regenerate Leeloo, the bikini’d one, when combined with the first four Elements, is foretold to stop the  “Great Evil.” She has orange hair and speaks gibberish. Could it be Future Cyndi Lauper coming to save us?

The Fifth Element

They throw everything in here: religion, space action, bombs, explosions, an intergalactic deejay, site gags, floating cabs, an opera singer with tentacles for hair. (One wonders, how does she comb it?)

The Fifth Element

Oddly, The Fifth Element is rather entertaining, especially the Band-Aid™ bikini, which never seems to come off, even when being pursued by floating police. Man, the future has some kick ass technology.

Clowning Around With Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on March 1, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Clown

The easily pronounced Clown, a horror movie about a clown of some sort, came out in 2014. I think. I looked and looked and was unsuccessful at locating an illegal bootlegged copy. Or even a legally bootlegged copy.

So imagine the sound of my relief (which took the form of a carbonated burp) when I found out Clown comes out on DVD in the UK on March 2, 2015. yeah, I’ll have to book a flight to England to snag a copy. But this thing looks cool enough for me to gamble my rent on.

ClownSo what has my balloons in a knot over Clown? Check this out: “It’s Jack’s 10th birthday, but the clown has cancelled. His dad, Kent, finds an old clown suit in the attic and saves the party. ”

“But after the party is over, Kent has a problem – the suit won’t come off. What starts as a joke quickly turns into a hellish nightmare. Kent can feel himself changing, and his desperate attempts to free himself just leave him in agonizing pain.”

“As the suit takes hold of his body, Kent slowly endures a brutal transformation. As he changes, an uncontrollable hunger begins to consume him, an overwhelming and insatiable hunger…for children.”

Holy crap balls – Kent turns into a flesh-eating party clown and eats kids. That is so flippin’ cool and/or harsh. Kids probably taste good because all those little runts ever eat is sugar. So it’d be like chowing down on a screaming candy bar.

I wonder how much Kent charges for private parties?

Jinn and Tonic

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jinn

Jinn are mythological and supernatural engendered creatures who have free will. What they don’t have is pants. At least none we mortals can see. Jinn can be good, bad or last call drunk ass crazy, which makes me believe I have Jinn in my bloodline. (More likely GIN in my bloodstream. Ha!)

Anyway, the movie Jinn arrives March 10, 2015 on VOD and DVD on April 14, 2015. If you’re tired of rubbing the lamp, you can pre-order through Amazon.com. (Is that thing still around?)

Jinn

Here’s what you need to know about Jinn: “Shawn, an automotive designer, enjoys an idyllic life with his new wife Jasmine until it is interrupted a cryptic message, which warns of imminent danger and a curse that has afflicted his family for generations.”

“Having lost his parents as a child, Shawn doesn’t believe this unsettling revelation of his past….until strange things start to happen. Unable to explain the threats and fearing for his life, Shawn turns to Gabriel and Father Westhoff, a mysterious duo claiming to have answers.”

“With their help, and the aid of Ali, a shackled mental patient, Shawn discovers there is far more to this world than he ever imagined. These revelations set him on a collision course with the unknown, and he alone must find the strength protect his family and confront the ancient evil that is hunting them.”

Curse? Shackled mental patient? Ancient evil? Sounds like The Poggie Tavern, of which I am an open-to-close customer. OK, maybe not open-to-close. But enough to qualify as an employee.

Medium Rare Face

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Darkman

Peyton Westlake is a scientist who has been working on developing synthetic skin. Hmm, not seeing an obvious market for such a product other than adding a new taste texture to Hostess Cupcakes™.

Darkman

Peyton’s bummed because the skin can only last 99 minutes when exposed to light, melting away into a messy goo as it disintegrates. Stays put in the darkness, though, so there’s that.

The doc’s girlfriend is an attorney who has enough evidence to put a local crime boss into the crossbar hotel for life. Guess it wasn’t very smart of her to drop by Peyton’s waterfront warehouse lab with that evidence. So it’s kind a hard to blame Durant, the crime boss, for blowing the place up, unfortunately with Peyton in it.

Darkman

His flesh seared off and his body flash-cured, the well-done doc is not done yet. He makes it back to shore without being eaten by sharks, res-sets up his lab, and goes about perfecting his synthetic skin, because now he has a customer for it.

Darkman

Seeking revenge, Peyton is able to make his skin look like yours or your mom’s, which means he can imitate the very criminals he hates with what’s left of his stir-fried sanity. This causes much confusion and angst among the criminals, who can’t figure out what the epidermis cookin’ hell is goin’ on around here.

Darkman

Darkman (1990) plays like a comic book come to life with lots of exaggerated action and facial expressions. Those WITH faces, anyway. And Peyton is crazy cool, what with his bandaged face, dark hat and trench coat, and his inability to feel physical pain (ask the doctor who experimented on him after the “accident”). That he goes freakin’ nuts means someone’s gonna have to FACE up to their punishment. Heh.

Sex Monster and Barnyard Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

It Follows

A couple of upcoming new ones that look old. But they’re not. They’re new. For reals.

First up is It Follows, due out March 13, 2015, probably before lunch, but definitely after breakfast. It involves a young girl who is plagued by nightmarish visions after an “innocent sexual encounter” in the back seat of a car.

OK, no sexual encounters are innocent. That’s what organized religion tries to drill into our horn dog brains. Secondly, who hasn’t had nightmarish visions after hooking up? Think Lair of the White Worm (1988) and go from there.

ANYWAY…after said hook up, 19-year-old Jay (chick with a dude’s name) can’t shake the sensation that someone – or something – is following her. As the threat closes in, Jay and her friends must somehow escape the horrors that are only a few steps behind.

I bet it’s organized religion.

The Barn

An old school treatment for The Barn arrives October 1, 2015 in the form of some of those cool illustrated ’80s style horror movie posters. And the plot feels right out of that era as well. Behold…

“It’s Halloween 1989. Best friends Sam and Josh are trying to enjoy what’s left of their final Devil’s Night before graduating high school. But trouble arises when the two pals and a group of friends take a detour on their way to a rock concert, finding an old abandoned barn and awakening the evil inside.

Now it’s up to Sam and Josh to find a way to protect their friends and defeat the creatures that lurk within “The Barn.”

One can barely imagine the horrible creatures in a barn: pigs, horses, cows, rats, bugs, snakes, spiders, poisonous squirrels, stink beetles, electric eels…

Could this be the Old MacDonald version of Night of the Demons (1988)? I will ponder that over a nice breakfast of barn eggs, barn sausage and horse apples. OK, probably not that last one.

Water Nymph

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 22, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

Lady of the Lake

The mysterious lady of the lake is a passably attractive redhead who seduces men by letting them snorkel in her sea grotto. Then kills them by vomiting in their mouths. Ick.

Lady of the Lake

Cursed, killed and sentenced to spend her days chained to an anchor at the bottom of a lake-y grave, this water woman drew the ire of some guy back in ancient times by not doing it with him. (Probably had something to do with the fact he looks like a pumped-up Richard Simmons.)

Lady of the Lake

Enter the nephew of a guy recently vomited on/in by the swimming siren. The strapping lad carelessly falls in love with her and she comes to him in his dreams, which turn out to be wet. She loves him for now, but in a week he’s fish food when the curse kicks in. There’s a demon in a red bathrobe, sword play, aqua zombies, soft-R humping, and some clumsy-yet-satisfying gore.

Lady of the Lake

Lady of the Lake’s (1998) corny special effects help pass the time in-between bare boob shots. The acting, though, is all washed up.

Parentless Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 21, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House of Voices

In need of a job, Ana is young, pregnant and hired to clean up after a bunch of runny-nose orphans at a huge orphanage where they manufacture orphans. The “school” for abandoned WWII kids is empty for the summer, but the place is a stink hole, so she takes the gig, knowing it’s better than working for Kinkos™ and hoping it’ll get her mind off the fact her former employers raped and beat her.

House of Voices

Two people remain in the cavernous orphanage: an old lady who serves as the school’s cook/doctor (what can’t be healed goes in the pot) and a “disturbed” young gal whose mind is a silverware drawer where none of the silverware matches. A crazy chick practically alone in a spooky old building? Hell, the only thing missing is me, a bottle of Jager™ and a roll of paper towels.

House of Voices

But something’s not right in the building besides Ana’s roommate’s sense of reality. Noises, voices, spectral farting. (OK, that one was really just part of my wish list). Ana was warned about the scary children. Now we’re getting somewhere. Previously brought to the school by the bus load, about 300 war-wounded kids turned up in various stages of bleeding. With only one doctor and a nurse, let’s just say some of ’em didn’t need a doctor bill at the end of the day.

House of Voices

Determined to find out who or what the scary children are, Ana and demento chick go into the big bathroom where there hangs a big mirror, which conceals a big mystery. Ana chucks a flashlight through the glass and damn if there isn’t another room back there. And hey – there’s a service elevator just big enough for her to crawl in. Yeah, that’s what I’d do in a haunted house – squeeze into an elevator that hasn’t been used for years and throw the switch. Why doesn’t Casper just come right out of the wall and push me down the shaft?

House of Voices

The elevator goes screaming down for what seems like three commercial breaks. When it opens, Ana discovers the hospital wing of the orphanage. It’s all painted an eerie white and lit up like a Christmas barbershop. Uh, oh – somebody’s about to go into labor. Good timing…something is down there with her. But what could it be?

House of Voices

House of Voices (aka Saint Ange, 2004) is a pretty darn creepy and atmospheric flick, but the story takes freakin’ forever to get where its going. A couple of nice distractions: Ana’s boobs. While this movie does not end on a happy note, I think I tracked down that cool crazy chick on Facebook™.

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