Curse of the Unseen Ultimate Evil Ghost

Posted in Asian Horror, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Wailing

How come Hollywood isn’t paying me to post all this e-barfing about their horror movies? It’s at least worth minimum wage. And would it kill them to throw in a few paid personal days off? Don’t tell me they can’t afford it; I’ve seen movie stars wearing clean clothes all the time, so somebody’s making big cake.

Anyway, five new ones THAT I’M NOT GETTING PAID TO ADVERTISE. Pffft.

THE WAILING (November 25, 2016)
“Out of his depth, local police officer Jong-goo investigates a spate of killings, as well as an outbreak of madness seemingly connected to the recent arrival of a mysterious Japanese man who resides in the outskirts of the village. What’s more, he’s horrified to discover his young daughter may have fallen under the stranger’s curse and must confront the ultimate evil.”

The ultimate evil. Pffft. That line is used in almost every lazily-written horror movie press release. You don’t know what the ultimate evil is until you’ve been in the men’s bathroom at the Maharajah in West Seattle. A portal to Hell is being complimentary. The sink faucets should be dispensing holy water.

Beacon Point

“Zoe joins a small group of inexperienced hikers for an adventure of a lifetime, exploring the Appalachian Trail. After a gruesome discovery they become lost deep in the mountains. The adventure spins out of control when they’re terrorized at their campsite by an unseen force.”

My gut tells me the “unseen force” is either an invisible bear or that stupid Blair Witch. Pffft – she’s about as scary as a stylishly-camouflaged Bigfoot.

Plotergeist Encounters

“A questionable group of paranormal investigators with their own web series receive the offer of a lifetime: stay one night in a potentially haunted house for a large sum of money. What could possibly go wrong?”

Pffft – That scenario’s been used since 1959’s House on Haunted Hill. For an excellent “spend the night in a haunted house” movie (in addition to HoHH), give The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966) some earnest couch time. A modern grindhouse classic.

The Terrible Two

Albert and Rose Poe approach the first anniversary of the death of their daughters, Addi and Jade. As the day comes and goes, Rose continues to struggle to come to grips with the loss of her only children. She begins hearing the girls’ voices throughout the house. Soon Albert and Rose find themselves prisoners of their precious little girls in the safety of their own home.”

Did they just give away the plot? Thanks for nothing, lazy press release writer. Pffft – it’s probably the ultimate evil masquerading as the little girls.

A Cure For Wellness

A CURE FOR WELLNESS (February 17, 2017)
“An ambitious young executive is sent to retrieve his company’s CEO from a mysterious ‘wellness center’ at a remote location in the Swiss Alps. He soon suspects that the spa’s miraculous treatments are not what they seem. When he begins to unravel its terrifying secrets he finds himself diagnosed with the same curious illness that keeps all the guests here longing for the cure.”

Pffft – what secret? Clearly, the miraculous treatment is booze.

P.S. Pffft.

No Fizzle In This Missile

Posted in Aliens, Godzilla, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Lost Missile1958’s The Lost Missile is categorized as a sci-fi movie, but it’s kinda sorta not really. For one thing missiles – lost or not – are pretty much fact. (What do you think we’ve been shooting at Godzilla for the last 60+ years – milkshake straw wrapper spitwads?) Secondly, there’s no uninvited space alien or laser guns to show said party-crashing extraterrestrial the door. Matters not – The Lost Missile is a gripping moment-by-moment flick with battle-ready military, explode-y bombs, real estate damage, and more importantly, panicking.

The Lost Missile

So this unidentified missile — about the size of a vertical submarine — is zooming through space, aimed STRAIGHT AT EARTH. Dang – of all the flippin’ planets out there, it had to choose us. Wanting to show off their military superiority, a nation on the other side of the world (they don’t say who, but I’m looking in your direction outer Mongolia) shoots a rocket (or “missile”) at it. Nice move – they only succeeded in diverting the runaway weapon right into our atmosphere. And I say “our” because it’s heading straight for New York by way of Canada.

The Lost Missile

What follows next is pretty exciting, even though 90.3% of the movie is built around stock Civil Defense footage showing people evacuating the city by heading into bomb shelters, movie theaters, basements and apocalypse-proof hall closets. (It should be noted that doomsday’rs head straight for the bars.)

The Lost Missile

Thankfully, a scientist and his science fiancée (or would that be “sciencée”?) have been working on a hydrogen warhead in-between practicing for their honeymoon. The plan is to stick it in a ready-to-launch rocket and shoot it at the missile, thereby blasting it into nuclear fallout particles/morsels to rain harmlessly down upon our breathable faces/lungs.

The Lost Missile

Lots of exciting footage of real Air Force jets ineffectively firing missiles at the lost missile, which is wreaking Rodan-like destruction in its low-atmosphere trek around the world. Yeah, they gotta fluff the pillows with taut apprehension as it liberally applies to school kids, countdowns, relationship-y stuff. But even with the weapons of mass distraction, The Lost Missile brings home the excitement groceries.

Death Sea Worm

Posted in Aliens, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in


Environmentalists discover that an oil rig is really a front for top secret sci-fi experiments to create a killing worm to sell to the military. This makes the greenies turn red, so they infiltrate the rig and plan to blow it up, never mind that all the resulting pollution would kill off thousands of friendly narwhals and pettable jellyfish.


From there Parasite/2004 (aka, Hell’s Mouth) follow the Alien (1979) template almost to the letter, with the monster bug, now the size of 718 hot dogs, snail-trailing it through ventilation shafts and biting those that would seek to slather it in mustard. Note: They should try it with Black Truffle mustard blended with a delicate Chablis (“Shah-blee”). Zingy!


The parasite is one of the all-time worst CGI creatures ever plagiarized, looking more like computer clay with plastic teeth. To show you how clichéd this “sci-fi thriller” is, there are 17 movies with the title of Parasite (the one in the ’80s with Demi Moore being the better of the pile).

Hell's Mouth

And the oil rig? Totally not real. It was digital, as was the rain it was being “drenched” in. My theory is that they actually filmed this crapfest in an old warehouse with leftover parasite birthing sacs hanging from the ceiling. I really think I’m right about this.

Die Kill Bleed Jubilee

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Krampus: Unleashed

Four more new ones as of today to throw on the “I’ll watch ’em when I get to ’em” backlogged fire.

Speaking of, maybe I should fire up a crowd-funding campaign to buy more TVs so I can watch five horror movies at the same time. (Some might call that “multi-tasking.”) I’ll also need extra cash for snacks and adult beverages as well. Help me reach my goal, won’t you?

KRAMPUS: UNLEASHED (November 1, 2016 / VOD – December 13, 2016 / DVD)
“In pursuit of a lost treasure a group of fortune hunters mistakenly unearth an ancient demonic summoning stone that holds a terrible curse and awakens a timeless evil — the Krampus.”

Gotta say, even with all these Krampus movies of late, I’m still diggin’ evil K’s groove. Here’s a guy who punishes you during the holidays, not like that annoyingly gleeful other guy who rewards your unsatisfactory behavior with dry cookies and hand-knitted sweaters. I bet Santa takes uppers.

The Dark Stranger

THE DARK STRANGER (available now)
While recovering from a recent traumatic event and afraid to leave her own home. As part of her therapy she begins drawing a graphic novel in which an ominous Dark Stranger pursues a lonely girl doll, across a foreboding fairy tale landscape. As the novel progresses Leah begins to see the Dark Stranger in real life. At first she isn’t sure if she is completely losing her mind, or if the Stranger is a deadly supernatural force trying to destroy her.”

Let me get this straight — you draw and evil entity and it comes to life? Time to sharpen my crayons and get to sketchin’ a self-portrait – I have pressing need for another evil me.

The Purging Hour

THE PURGING HOUR (available now)
“With the hopes of a new life for his family, Bruce Diaz left the harsh city for the serene mountains of California. Upon arrival to their new home the Diaz family fell victim to one of the most horrific crimes in history. With no serviceable evidence being retrieved, the case was eventually dismissed. Several years later, the family’s personal home movie footage was released by an anonymous source.”

Sounds like YET ANOTHER found footage flick featuring unendurable characters with hand-held video cameras with batteries that have a longer life span than the people holding ’em. Massacre on Aisle 12

MASSACRE ON AISLE 12 (November 4, 2016)
“As a hardware store begins to close, a duffel bag of cash is found, but so is a body. Now, the employees must decide what to do with both items. Should they turn the cash in, or go on a Christmas shopping spree? Events take an even bloodier turn when the employees turn on each other.

They should donate the money to my crowd-funding page to help me buy five TVs in order to watch more horror movies more often. (I have one TV, but could use back-up in case the power goes out.)

Failed Religion, Human Pet Store, Camping With Bigfoot

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in


This never-ending flood of horror movie releases makes me think I should get a GoPro™, strap it to a flexible body part, go out into the world and make my own horror masterpiece. (Okay, poor choice of words as that’s the phrase I use after eating a high-fiber breakfast.)

Yep, I could soon be joining the ranks of Hollywood’s elite and… Nah, too lazy. Would rather eat high-fiber breakfasts and “review” movies in my bathroom. Heh.

That said…

INCARNATE (December 2, 2016)
“Confined to a wheelchair after a horrific accident, Dr. Seth Ember is an “Incarnate” — gifted with the rare ability to delve into the minds of possessed people in order to exorcise their demons from the inside out. When the Vatican enlists him to exorcise a particularly troubled young boy, Ember is shocked to discover inside him the same evil spirit responsible for the death of his wife and child years before. Ember desperately searches for a way to destroy the demon before it kills him and unleashes its terror upon the world.”

Don’t mean to point out the obvious, but are not bartenders “Incarnates” as well? If anyone can delve into the mind of a possessed person and see the demon within, it’s the guy pouring your fifth drink.


PET (December 2, 2016 / VOD limited / December 27, 2016 / DVD)
“Seth is a lonely man working in an animal shelter. His monotonous routine is broken one day when he bumps into Holly, a girl from school who he soon becomes obsessed with. However, when she rejects his advances, Seth’s obsession reaches a terrifying new level, with Holly hiding secrets of her own.”

Animal shelter? Hiding secrets? Pffffft – I bet she’s werewolf. That, or, um, not.


ENCLOSURE (2016/2017)
“A couple’s romantic camping trip is cut short after a group of nearby hunters are brutally killed by a mysterious creature. As the creature turns its focus on the couple, they must fight for their survival while their shelter is destroyed.”

Gotta be Bigfoot. What, you think some high-fiber seeking bear or thug4life raccoon would destroy someone’s shelter? Maybe in the movies. Regardless, of what you think, it boils down to this – if you’re planning a romantic camping trip (i.e., doin’ it in a tent in the woods), Bigfoot will foot block you.

welcomes To Willits

“Deep in the Northern California woods, locals struggle to fight off repeated attacks from mysterious invaders. When local farmer Brock is caught up with a wayward group of campers the situation quickly escalates into total carnage. Together with a ragtag crew Brock struggles to maintain his sanity while defending his family from perceived supernatural threats.”

Sounds like a paranormal spin on the famous TRUE STORY of the 1955 Kelly/Hopkinsville encounter in which a Kentucky backwoods farm family with BFFs (five adults, seven children, no booze) were allegedly terrorized for hours by shotgun-proof aliens. (In the end the aliens ate all their faces. Or so I heard.)

An Unpleasant Pheasant

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Flying Serpent

Everyone knows about Quetzalcoatl, that Aztecan murdering bird god that flies around murdering people. They even made a movie about it in 1982: Q – The Winged Serpent. If you weren’t murdered by Q, count yourself as one of the lucky ones. If you were murdered by Q, there is literally nothing I can say or do to make your afterlife more comfortable.

Q – The Flying Serpent

But did you know there was a murdering bird god movie in 1946? Yep – it was called The Flying Serpent. Was it a bird? Yep. Did it fly? Yep. Did it murder people? Yep. Was it a serpent as well as a bird? Nope. In fact it looked like a pheasant (same size, too) needing a shampoo and comb out.

The Flying Serpent

Professor Andrew Forbes is an insane archaeologist. Given that nearly all archaeologists are mentally to the left of center (that’s what that the Internet claims), Forbes wants to murder (or “kill”) his enemies. Apparently, archaeologists have lots and lots of enemies. It isn’t until the despised digger-upper unearths (or “diggers up”) Quetzalcoatl and, using his social skills, uses the murder bird to peck away at his antagonists.

The Flying Serpent

Here’s a potential problem with that plan; when you give an intended victim one of Quetzalcoatl’s feathers (looks like it came off a pheasant), the bird tracks you down and gives you the flapping of a lifetime. This means you get tomorrow off…permanently.

The Flying Serpent

Forbes accidentally gives his wife the feather and next thing you know, she’s nesting…permanently. A mere distraction as Forbes uses this knowledge to become the richest man on earth. (Where’s there’s an ancient murder bird, there’s ancient taxable treasure.)

The Flying Serpent

The Flying Serpent is less than an hour long. But we do get a fair amount of murder bird action. The flying sequences, while dated, aren’t too shabby, and it freely uses its beak of doom to exact…DOOM. So in your face, all you anthropology haters.

When Godzilla Became Frankenstein

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Weird Show

Super duper annoying when (and I use the term loosely) people mistakenly – to this franken day – think Frankenstein is the monster instead of Dr. Victor Frankenstein, the guy who puzzled together the monster from scrap corpse parts. And while the brute doesn’t have a proper title other than “the monster,” you get the misnomer; the name “Frankenstein” is pretty dang classic, right up there with iconic nom de plumes names like “Godzilla,” “Dracula” and “Lord Voldemort.”

No surprise the GermansFrankenstein’s kin — regularly slapped the popular “monster” name on imported horror advertising art to help sell movie tickets, even though Frank wasn’t so much as in the credits. (Did Frankenstein or his heirs get paid for this unlicensed usage? Hölle nein!)

Frankenstein und die Ungeheuer as dem Meer

An example of this is Ebirah, Horror From the Deep, aka, Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (1966). Initial German ad art had the movie titled, Frankenstein und die Ungeheuer dem Meer (or, Frankenstein and the Beast from the Sea). And while the advertising depicts Godzilla (what – no promo headshot?), they didn’t want to gamble the movie’s box office on a name that’s only been around for a few relative years, whereas Frankenstein was globally established and universally recognized since 1931. In that context, it makes sense.

Frankenstein Conquers The World / Frankenstein meets the Space Monster

Frankenstein’s good name has been co-opted/dragged through the mud over the years for this very same reason. But think about it – would you rather take your queasy vehicle to Bob’s Car Care or Frankenstein’s Complete Auto Restoration? I rest my case.

King Kong: Frankenstein's Sohn / Guila, Frankenstein's Teufelsei

Gasp in awe at the misbranded examples above, including King Kong: Frankenstein’s Son (aka, King Kong Escapes/1962) that’ll leave you staunen (“stunned” for all you Bob’s Car Care types).

Santo and Frankenstein

P.S. Only Spain’s Santo Contra La Hija De Frankestein (aka, Santo Against Daughter Frankenstein/1972) and Santo y Blue Demon Contra el Dr. Frankestein (aka, Santo and Blue Demon Against Dr. Frankenstein/1974) got it at least medically correct even though they couldn’t spell Frank’s name right on the advertising.