Monster Brawl, Bedeviled Bluff, Sentient Body Parts

More teaser art for the upcoming six episode anime series Gamera: Rebirth on Netflix™ (sometime in 2023), with character posters depicting the kaiju ninja turtle swapping mutant DNA with long time nemesis Gyaos and that space oddity, Jiger. In total, the series states simply that Gam-Gam will get into a skirmish with five kaiju in all. Sounds like WWE’s™ Royal Rumble, but using buildings instead of folding metal chairs.

We all know Gyaos is an anvil-headed winged asshat who’ve been testing Gamera’s resolve since 1967. Gyaos is not only its birth name, but the name of an entire species of winged asshats. Jiger, in case it slipped your mind, is a mega-dinosaur kept out of commission by the Devil’s Whistle, a statue of unknown origins on Wester Island in the Pacific Ocean. Jiger’s powers — other than he’s a she — include jet propulsion (jets in the back of her hairdo), magnetium beam (can shoot curved beams out of the corner of her head so it doesn’t smear her lipstick), and shooting quills, not unlike a punk rock porcupine. 

Other old school kaiju from Gamera’s hit list could be Barugon (giant lizard with a unicorn horn, rainbow death ray that shoots out of it, extendo tongue), Viras (land squid with a spear head, able to swim and fly), Guiron (fat gator reptile, head shaped like a steak knife, can shoot shurikens stored in two indents on the side of his head, teeth 60 times sharper than a Mecha Piranha), and Zigra (alien space parrot, has a snack-pak variety of emitting beams — Cell Activity Suspension Beam, Fourth Dimensional Beam, Earthquake-Inducing Beam, Tri-Color Ray Blast — and can launch a nuclear weapon out of its mouth). All solid ingredients to make turtle soup.

So while we re-watch all the Gamera movies (there are 12), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you emit multi-colored beams out of your orifices…

THE BURIAL / Out now (VOD)
“When Molly’s boyfriend gets a phone call from his estranged brother, she thinks nothing of joining him on an impromptu family reunion at a remote cabin. However, she soon finds herself taking charge of a deadly situation when the trip’s true purpose is revealed and good intentions lead to a conflict with pure evil.”

Impromptu family reunions should take place at Red Robin™ or T.G.I. Fridays™. At either of those places you can get mozzarella sticks. At remote cabins in the woods, all you can get is sticks.

THE CURSE OF WOLF MOUNTAIN / May 2023 (VOD)

“AJ begins having vivid dreams of his parents’ death. He decides to go back to the spot where they were killed, 20 years ago, accompanied by his brother and his brother’s family. But legend has it there is something mysterious roaming these woods.”

The movie’s ad sheet says this one’s called Wolf Mountain. Serviceable, but boring. So they changed it after the fact to The Curse of Wolf Mountain. Just adding the word “curse” to anything makes it ominously cool. Example: The Curse of Ketchup…My Girlfriend’s Monthly Curse…Cursed Toilet Paper… Hey, this is fun!

APPENDAGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A young fashion designer seems fine on the surface but secretly struggles with debilitating self-doubt. Soon these buried feelings begin to make Hannah physically sick and sprout into a ferocious growth on her body: The Appendage. As Hannah’s health declines, The Appendage grows more powerful and begins to fuel her anxieties, her perceived lack of talent at work, her deteriorating relationships with her boyfriend and best friend and her parents’ lack of love and understanding. At her breaking point, Hannah makes a shocking discovery: there are others out there like her.”

I remember watching an adult movie called The Appendage. It didn’t have a plot.

THE WAIT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Eladio, hunting estate keeper, takes a bribe from a veteran hunter. Weeks later, his whole life falls apart. What looked like the opportunity of a lifetime, turns into a macabre descent to hell when he finds out that his misfortune might not be entirely by chance.”

They should’ve called this, Here Comes The Bribe.

15th Century Kaiju, Mechanical Monkey, Hand-y Horror

What if Godzilla was stomping around in the 1500s, deliberately stepping on minstrels, catchin’ a few PPV jousting matches and kickin’ it old school with Leonardo da Vinci? That’s the premise — Godzilla in the 1500s, not the other cool stuff I mentioned — of IDW™’s new comic miniseries, Godzilla: Here There Be Dragons.

From IDW™’s press release: “In the 1500s, before humanity had successfully traveled the entire globe, it was believed that monsters ruled the oceans just beyond the horizon. ‘Here there be dragons…’ was written on maps to denote the areas people dared not go. That is, until Sir Francis Drake circumnavigated the seas, visiting foreign lands and collecting treasure. Or…at least that’s what history tells us. The truth is, tremendous beasts did lurk yonder, dwelling on an island that doesn’t appear on any map, even to this day. And among those monsters was the king of them all…Godzilla!”

Godzilla might like the 1500s as there was a lot of dung hitting the fans back then. The first printed bible in English was published in 1526 and rose to the top of the fiction carts. In his 1543 book, On the Revolutions of the Celestial Spheres, Polish astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus caused another revolution, by stating that science, not religion, best explains how the universe works. (I totally copied every word of that off this thing called the “Internet.”) The first National Lottery was created in 1567. And people jumped in their carts and flash mobbed the local 7-Eleventh™ for scratchers. And in 1595, The Widdows Treasures by John Partridge was published and claimed to contain a cure for drunkeness. Laughter around the local pubs when passages were read out loud.

So while you look forward to Godzilla’s adventures in the past (the first comic comes out in June, 2023/$3.99), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not encourage rampant drunkeness…

APE VS. MECHA APE / Out now (VOD)

“Recognizing the destructive power of its captive giant ape, the military makes its own battle-ready A.I. — Mecha Ape. But its first practical test goes horribly wrong, leaving the military no choice but to release the imprisoned giant ape to stop the colossal robot before it destroys downtown Chicago.”

YEST ANOTHER rip-off movie from Asylum Studios™, who never had an original movie in their photocopy brains. This one “pays homage” to King Kong Escapes (1967), in which the massive monkey meets his mechanical doppelgänger. It’s free to watch on YouTube™, in case you’re so motivated.

TRINKET BOX / March 31, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

A newlywed couple move to a new home set on starting new beginnings, but an historical evil, locked away for years, is about to break free and wreak havoc on their relationship and their lives.

Three words come to mind: mother-in-law.

ANTHROPOPHAGUS II / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of female students and their lecturer, Nora, camp inside a bomb bunker to do research on the theses they are writing. After being escorted by a sinister-looking janitor, the girls prepare to spend 24 hours locked in the bunker. In the middle of the night, two of them disappear without a trace. Nora coordinates the search, but soon the survivors find themselves trapped in a maelstrom of violence at the hands of an anthropophagus.”

The only thing scarier than an anthropophagus is trying to pronounce its name.

THE NEW HANDS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Bram Victor is dumped by his girlfriend he is convinced it’s because of his ugly hands. Mangled, unattractive, he becomes convinced that a pair of new hands will bring her back. What to do? Since he is a serial killer, he comes to realize that a new set of hands from beautiful victims is the only way to win back the girl of his dreams.”

A serial killer who will go to extremes for love? You gotta…hand…it to him. Heh.

Sleeping With Zombies, Underwear Sharks, Demon Babies

In the 1978 zombie game changer Dawn of the Dead, a few humans hole up in a shopping mall to ride out the chewable apocalypse. Two of said humans are what remains of a SWAT team. Life in the mall is sweet — until zombies drop in for a bite. Roger “Trooper” DeMarco, one of the loose cannon SWAT guys, gets careless and ends up bitten by one of the germ-infected undead, and slowly turns into one of the gang. The scene of him lying in a mall-provided bed about to die and then un-die, is one of Dawn of the Dead’s most iconic moments. And now, thanks to Trick or Treat Studios™, you can get that moment immortalized as a pillow pal prop.

From Trick or Treat Studios™ and Radar Licensing’s™ product description: “We are proud to present the official Dawn of the Dead Roger Pillow Pal Prop from George A Romero’s classic zombie film, Dawn of the Dead. This beautifully sculpted prop is an amazing recreation of Roger as he turns into a zombie in one of the most famous scenes in zombie cinema. The Roger Pillow Pal comes with a pillow that Roger is attached to via Velcro so you place Roger in your own bed!”

Simply put, your horror life will not be complete until you have a zombie Roger Pillow Pal next to you every night. And at $79.99, it’s a small price to pay to be fulfilled. So while you rush over to NightmareToys.com to get on (buy it now), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as sweet as living in a shopping mall…

WAR OF THE WORLDS: THE ATTACK / November, 2023 (Theaters)

“Three young astronomers tracking a meteorite crashing into Earth discover they are at the epicenter of a Martian invasion.”

Kinda racist to assume the invasion was started by Martians. Maybe its those extraterrestrials from Uranus. I hear they’re a bunch of…a**holes. Heh. 

BIG SHARK / April 2, 2023 (VOD)

“Three firefighters must save New Orleans from a shark attack.”

The trailer for this one is an understatement of confusing, being part boxing movie, part shark attack and part underwear commercial. The shark part is cool and I suppose we could always use new underwear, especially after you fill ’em while watching the extra-extra-large Carcharodon carcharias jump out of the water and chomp on land dwellers. Maybe the boxing part is to show how they’re gonna battle the shark — with a stiff uppercut. In these terms, maybe Big Shark isn’t that confusing at all.

WINTERTIDE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Beth, a volunteer watch person of an isolated northern city battles a plague of depression that transforms the few remaining residents into empty, zombie-like automatons. She discovers that by entering an alternative dimension through her own dreams, she’s able to stave off the illness during the long, possibly endless winter. But will her power be enough to sustain her?”

Alternative dimension = drinking. It’s not science, people.

NIGHTMARE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Mona moves into a big apartment in an old building with her boyfriend Robby, who has just landed his dream job, and soon falls pregnant with their first child. She is plagued by bad dreams, and when the new-born baby next door dies, her crippling nightmares intensify — night after night, the same demon attacks her in her sleep. Mona begins to believe that the creature is very real and that it is seeking to enter our world through her unborn child. Soon she will realize that not all nightmares are over when you wake up.”

All newborns are angels, but eventually turn into demons…and stay that way until they turn 18 and you kick ’em out of the house.

Monster Trucks, AI Love Dolls, Mexican Sharks

Rockers and horror fans rejoice —1986’s Maximum Overdrive is getting the Blu-ray SteelBook DVD makeover by Lionsgate’s Vestron Video Collector’s Series™ and being released with a ton of extras on May 30, 2023 for $19.96 as a Walmart™ exclusive (preorder it here). Hold it Maybelle, don’t set the table — what does this have to do with rock and horror? Zip your rock hole and I’ll tell you.

1. Maximum Overdrive was based on Stephen King’s short story, “Trucks”, from his Night Shift collection, which was published in 1978, the same year as Van Halen’s debut album. 2. The movie’s screenplay was not only written by Stephen King, he directed it as well, his first time doing that. 3. Maximum Overdrive’s soundtrack is entirely made up of AC/DC songs.

So MO’s Blu-ray SteelBook — a sort of lunchbox for DVDs — has new audio commentary, featurettes, interviews with the actors, behind the scenes stuff, and the making of the Happy Toyz Goblin fixed to the front of a sentient, killing diesel truck. (They can call it the Happy Toyz Goblin but we all know it’s Spider-Man’s arch nemesis, the Green Goblin. In your face, Happy Toyz.) 

From the Lionsgate press release: “Get ready for the ultimate battle of man vs. bloodthirsty machine in this terrifying Stephen King classic! For three horrifying days, the Earth passes through the tail of a mysterious comet. The skies glow an eerie green as humanity waits to see what the fallout will be. But what they imagine is nothing like the nightmare they find — the comet’s magnetic fields cause all the machines on Earth to suddenly come to life and terrorize their human creators in a horrific killing spree. Now, it’s up to a small group of people trapped in a desolate truck stop to defeat the killer machines — or be killed by them!”

Machines coming to life and killing humans. Just a reminder — this was 21 years before 2007’s Transformers, with autobot machines doing the same thing. (They even had goofy heavy metal band member names: Optimus Prime, Ironhide, Jazz, Prowl, Arcee, Ratchet, Wheeljack, Bumblebee, Megatron, Starscream, Soundwave, Ravage, Laserbeak, Rumble, Skywarp and Shockwave. Somewhere Gwar laughs into the night.)

So while we all crank up some AC/DC and taunt our kitchen appliances, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your toaster go postal…

ENYS MEN / March 31, 2023 (Limited Theaters, VOD pending)

“Set in 1973 on an uninhabited island off the British coast, a wildlife volunteer descends into a terrifying metaphysical and ecosophical journey that challenges her grip on reality and pushes her into a living nightmare.”

Sounds intriguing, but they’re not selling me with the movie’s off-putting title. How about Mind Island Destructo or Isle of Die Kill Bleed or Apprehension Archipelago? Now there’s some juice.

SIMULANT / April 7, 2023 (Theaters), May 5, 2023 (VOD)

“Faye attempts to replace her newly deceased husband, Evan, with an android simulant (SIM). Although SIM Evan appears like human Evan in every way, Faye does not feel the same love for SIM Evan as it does for her. SIM Evan tries to win Faye back while at the same time being on-the-run from a government agent chasing down SIMs who have become ‘conscious’ and could potentially be a threat to humankind.”

Android simulant, my motherboard — she created an A.I. love doll for horizontal dating purposes.

THE BLACK DEMON April 28, 2023 (Theaters)

“When oilman Paul Sturges takes his family to Bahia Negra, the crown jewel of Baja and the site of Paul’s best-performing rig, the vibrant Mexican coastal town he once knew has mysteriously crumbled. In the decrepit ghost town, the last inhabitants tell Paul the offshore platform has awoken ‘El Demonio.’ Scared to be left alone, the family follows Paul out to the platform and just after they get on, the man and boat that risked bringing them is ferociously attacked by a massive black shark. This shark is unlike any other creature; a shark of legend, known as The Black Demon. It has laid claim to the local waters aggressively protecting mother nature against human threats. It kills everything and repeatedly charges the oil rig itself, threatening to destroy it. Paul and his family are stranded with the few men who have survived and now discover explosive charges have been set on the legs of the platform. Under constant attack by the giant monster and with the time literally ticking away, Paul must find a way to somehow get his family back to shore alive.”

If you’ve seen the trailer for The Black Demon (YouTube™), the shark on the movie’s ad sheet is ratio-sized correctly. And for all involved, oil in the water is the least of pollutants that’ll happen if they encounter you-know-who.

THE WOODMEN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three individuals who find themselves in a fight for their lives as they attempt to escape from a clan of feral humans that call the Smoky Mountains home. Together, they battle the cunning and elusive adversary that wants nothing more than to protect their land with deadly and savage force.”

Feral humans = hippies. Elusive adversaries protecting their land = hippies squatters.

Space-y Rock, Psychedelic Multiverse, Carnal Classics

So this is a whole new level cool — artist Todd Alcott has mashed up rock ‘n roll with science fiction in a pulp fiction book cover style as paintings, the first one being “Black Hole Sun,” Soundgarden’s massive hit from their Superunknown album in 1994. The art depicts singer Chris Cornell in a space suit with the Universe bearing down on him. Maybe I should get a space suit as I’m always feeling like the Universe is bearing down on me.

Another of Todd’s excellent mashups is The Police’s “Every Breath You Take,” which is often difficult in outer space. That song came out in 1983 from the multi-platinum selling Synchronicity. The art shows Sting (real name: Gordon Sumner, which is kinda boring) trying to escape the all-seeing eye, which is funny as that’s what the law — or police — is always watching every move we make or any bail bond we break. Heh. He mashed up other musical acts as well — Elvis Costello, Dolly Parton, Talking Heads, Devo — but those aren’t given the sci-fi treatment, so I shan’t be discussing it further.

Both giclee (pronounced /ʒiːˈkleɪ/ zhee-KLAY) prints come in three sizes — 11×17 ($40), 18×24 ($55) and $24×46 ($85). So yeah, a nifty addition to any rock/sci-fi/pulp-fiction fan’s collections. (Buy ‘em here.) And while you’re trying to pronounce giclee correctly, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as boring as Sting’s non-rock name… 

INTERFACE / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“After tragically losing their father, two sisters track down an Interface Machine across the multiverse that will enable them to go into estranged mother’s mind and bring her back from a coma.”

You don’t need an expensive Interface Machine with a 40-page instruction manual. All you need is Electric Ladyland, Jimi Hendrix’s psychedelic rock metal (1968 masterpiece — play it loud and the metaverse will appear all around you.

LEDA / APRIL 11, 2023 (VOD)

“Young newlywed Leda is haunted by strange visions in this hypnotic tale that transports ancient myth to the dark forests and deep lakes surrounding a 19th century mansion. As her tragic past slowly unfolds, Leda begins to lose touch with time and reality. What seems to be a dream-like world spirals into a realm where nightmares and memories bleed together, invoking poetry and horror in a fable of birth, death, and otherworldly desires.”

Losing touch with time and reality, spiraling into a realm where nightmares and memories bleed together. You already know what I’m gonna say — Leda’s been hittin’ Happy Hour at the Tug Tavern. Sometimes I can’t help myself. Or more often than not.

FROM BLACK / APRIL 28, 2023 (SHUDDER™)

“Cora, a recovering drug addict, desperate for closure and saddled by crushing guilt after the disappearance of her young son, is presented with a bizarre offer to learn the truth about what happened and set things right — if she is willing to pay a terrifying price.”

If you’re a drug addict, you’re already paying a terrifying price.

WE KILL FOR LOVE / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“This documentary goes in search of the lost and misunderstood world of the direct-to-video erotic thriller, an American film genre that once dominated late-night cable television and the shelves of neighborhood video stores. Balancing film art with scholarship, We Kill For Love pulls back the curtain to reveal the heart and soul of a forgotten and often maligned film movement.”

Erotic thriller is just a fancy way of saying the girls who star in ’em do so topless and more often than not, bottomless, which is how I like my adult beverages.

Literary Godzilla, DJ Devil, Loud Earworm

Most people would rather watch Godzilla kick the Shittori Choco out of Japan (and other monsters) than read about it. But now, thanks to modern technology, you can do both — at the same time, if you’re a weirdo. University of Minnesota Press is publishing the novelization of Godzilla (1954) and Godzilla Raids Again (1955) as English-translated paperback and e-books for the YA (Young Adult) market. Good luck trying to get kids to read — they’re too busy making stupid TikTok™ dance videos and investing in get-rich-quick cryptocurrency, or “imaginary money.”

From the University of Minnesota Press’ press release: “Shigeru Kayama (1904 – 1975) was a science fiction writer and scenarist whose early stories about monsters and mutated sea creatures attracted the attention of Toho Studios™, who asked him to draft the first two Godzilla films. The film Half Human (1955) by Toho Studios™ was also based on one of his stories, and he contributed to the screenplay for the Toho™ film The Mysterians (1957).”

The books will be available October 3, 2023 on Amazon Prime™ and Amazon Kindle™ from $17.41 and $9.99 respectively. That’s reasonably priced cryptocurrency. Invest in it here.

So while we put down our TVs and pick up a book for the first time in years, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not appeal to young adults…

LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A live broadcast of a late-night talk show in 1977 goes horribly wrong, unleashing evil into the nation’s living rooms. Jack Delroy is the host of a late-night talk show Night Owls. His rating are plummeting, it’s sweeps week and he’s desperate for a boost so he plans a Halloween special with a magician, someone that claims to be possessed, and skeptics. This is not your traditional late-night variety show; It slowly builds until pure chaos and mayhem ensue.”

Unleashing evil, pure chaos and mayhem? I’ve been all up and down the dial and can’t find it. A shiny cookie to anyone who can tell me where to find this radio station. And hurry — these shiny cookies aren’t gonna make it to late night.

INCESSANT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A troubled couple taking time away at a place in the country. Instead of peace, they encounter an audio-altering virus, a parasite that will slowly rip them apart.”

I’ve said it before — the audio-altering virus can be found on every Motörhead song in existence. Visibly shocked I have to keep repeating myself.

DON’T LOOK AWAY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

‘It doesn’t move, it doesn’t think — it just kills. And for a young woman and her friends, a chance encounter with the supernatural entity proves deadly, because once you see it, don’t you dare look away or it comes for you…and keeps coming for you until you’re dead.”

The supernatural entity they’re referring to is your television.

POUNDCAKE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A New York City serial killer is murdering straight white men in unspeakable ways. Podcasters are chiming in with their theories on who the killer is, what his motives are, and how to stop him. Is it all a hoax to garner sympathy for cisgender white men? Some people think so. Others find the murders cathartic, even funny. Are the victims finally getting what they deserve after inflicting centuries of oppression? Can the killer be stopped? New Yorkers must find a way to end the hate and embrace positivity instead. It might be the only way to kill the beast!”

The first time I heard the word “positivity” was in “Spice Up Your Life”, the irresistible 1997 Spice Girls hit song. And now, 26 years later, New Yorkers are asked to embrace positivity to stop a serial killer. I say to them — “Spice up your life and dance all over that serial killer, b*tches!”

Killer Clay, Killer Curse, Killer Grunge Rock

You can do a lot of things with clay — wad it up and throw it at people, stuff it in your ears to block out the neighbor who just won’t lay off the leaf-blower, shape it like a turd and leave it next to the bathroom toilet… But UK artist Lizzie Campbell, a clay artist and illustrator, uses it to create classic horror movie posters. And hey, they stick to the walls without tacks or nails.

Clay Disarray: Clay Art & Illustration, Lizzie’s website, is loaded with super creative clay horror movie “posters”: Day of the Dead, They Live, The Witch, Carrie, IT, Salem’s Lot and a lot more. She even recreates classic art (The Scream, Mona Lisa) and historical figures (Henry VIII, The Beatles) in colorful polymer clay. The best part is she has a YouTube™ channel (click here) where you can watch here create the art and even offers tutorials, though once you master the clay turd, you’re pretty much at the top of your game.

So while we all go back to playing with our Silly Putty™, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not belong next to — or in — a bathroom toilet…

HALF DEAD FRED / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A mysterious murder takes place in Flint, Michigan and medium detective Freddy Nash is on the case. Years ago Fred was victim to a fatal car accident that left not only Fred but his 9-year-old son dead. A few seconds after his death he came back to life in the hospital. Since this traumatic accident he has acquired the ability to see the dead. The case turns out to be much more than a murder.”

This premise was used nearly 25 years ago in The Sixth Sense (1999). And all those ghosts in that movie? Still around.

SKARECROW: THE CURSE NEVER DIES / March 28, 2023 (DVD)

“When the vile James Brothers murder an innocent woman to take over her land, her dying breath places a curse on the family through a scarecrow. Years later, a descendant of the James family has taken his friends to the old cabin for the weekend. They soon find the curse and the scarecrow are still wanting blood.”

For the James family descendants, it’ll be the last…straw. Comedy gold, right there.

BLISS OF EVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“A sound engineer is forced to confront her trauma when she and her girlfriend’s grunge band are trapped in a recording studio by a shadowy killer.”

Too bad Screaming Life was already used by a grunge band (Soundgarden). Seems like it’d be the perfect album title for these grungers given the circumstances.

HOMESTEAD / Release Pending 2023 (VOD)

“A family of homesteaders taken captive by a gang of outlaws. Their survival comes to rest in the hands of Irene, a loud-mouthed 12-year-old girl who’s got an uncanny knack for shooting guns.”

Yeah, I didn’t think this was a horror movie, either. However, Homestead is being described as a “nail-biting mesh of Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses (2003) and the hit Yellowstone spin-off 1883.” They had me at mesh.

Glazed Gorilla, Bearly Evil, Ghost Criminals

In King Kong vs. Godzilla, the 1962 kaiju classic dust up, there was the hilariously memorable and infamous scene where Kong gets drunk as a mecha-skunk and passes out, his bar tab covered by jungle natives. This is so he can be taken passively to Japan for promotional purposes and ends up in a smackdown with Godzilla, who is a total teetotaler. (The outcome depended on whether you live in the US or Japan.) Now you can get a Drunk Kong action (or would that be non-action) figure and get your jungle boogie on.

From TemptingToysandCollectibles.com website: “Rotokaiju drunk King Kong 1962 30cm Vinyl figure fully built and painted (made in 2020). This limited version was completely built and painted by the manufacturer and has the ‘drunk’ Kong face and three Suma Juice jars.” Drunk Kong stands 12” inches tall — or 12” long when he’s laying in the gutter, stinking of Suma Juice highballs. That’s the fun news. The opposite of that is Drunk Kong costs $1,999.00. (Conversely, a six-pack of Suma Juice is only $1.00._ Spend your money here.

The way they transport Drunk Kong off Faro Island was genius, strapping him to hot air balloons and gently escorting the drunky monkey off the premises. FYI: If you plan on chugging down a few jars of Suma Juice (called Soma Juice on the box and Farolacton Juice on Kong’s island), be sure and have a designated balloon handler to get you home — don’t drink and float.

So while we head to the Faro Island’s corner liquor store to stock up on Farolacton Juice and become a party animal, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your head swell up like a balloon…

ADALYNN / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“A mother is fighting postpartum depression and slipping over the edge. It becomes hard to distinguish where depression ends and her nightmares turn real as she and her newborn are haunted by a stalker unlike any other.”

Probably a demonic nanny/babysitter. I had one. She let me get away with murder.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER BEARS / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“After not seeing each other for a long time, five teenage friends living in Bangkok go on a vacation together, staying at a quiet resort isolated from the city. Things take a dark turn when it’s revealed each of them have hidden secrets, and unbeknown to the group, there is someone observing them. When one of them ends up brutally murdered, paranoia and distrust surrounds the group, motivating each remaining member to accuse each other of being the murderer or considering the possibility that the real murderer is the unseen presence observing them, and that they all are in danger.”

Bears are the new sharks in horror movies recently, what with the moderate successes of Cocaine Bear (2023), Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023). But for really scare bears, that chemical pollution-mutated one in The Prophecy (1979) and the alien-mutated one in Annihilation (2018) are both pretty…grizzly.

LEGEND OF THE WHITE DRAGON / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Erik Reed, The White Dragon, has returned home to Virtuo City three years later after being defeated in a colossal battle against the ancient overlord, Ashtagor. The crystal he used to become the White Dragon was broken in two as a result of the epic battle, both pieces were subsequently lost. Being blamed for the destruction and collateral lives lost, his identity was outed after the battle thus making him a fugitive from the law. We now follow Erik on his journey as he teams up with treasure hunters from the past who help him reclaim his power as the White Dragon. Once reunited with his powers, he and his team are now ready to battle a new threat, Dragon Prime, who seeks revenge against the White Dragon and try and defeat Dragon Prime in order to get one step closer to clearing his name and being able to protect his family from an ancient evil that still lurks in the darkness — Ashtagor.”

A lot going on here. Then again, the trailer explodes with spaceships, punching violence, future bikinis, ancient overlords with dumb names, revenge glares and costumes that look more at home in a 1980s video game. So yeah, I’ll watch the movie.

DEADLAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A U.S. Border Patrol Agent tries to apprehend the ghost of his father, a grave decision that will haunt him forever.”

Related or not, ghost criminals are the worst because it’s near to impossible to keep ’em in jail, what with being able to walk through walls ’n stuff.

Cuddly Kaiju, Filming Bigfoot, Killer Whales

Godzilla is the KISS of merchandising, having his likeness/logo/iconic beer belch attached to literal hundreds of products, ranging from designer underwear and hot sauce to 100% Toho™ cotton bed sheets and a themed hotels (Hotel Gracery Shinjuku, for a reasonable $125 a night). And thanks to Quantam Mechanix™, Godzilla is now a plush zipperhead. And no, that wasn’t me calling him names. Godzilla has been turned into a plush toy (fancy term for being stuffed) with a mouth that can be opened/closed with zipper lips. (That sounds like a cool name for a new Godzilla foe or a punk band.)

Godzilla Zippermouth Plush comes in a set of four: Godzilla Burning, Godzilla Atomic Breath, Godzilla Standard, Godzilla Black and White. This set sells for $139.99 and has these features: “Charming, edgy, and packed with personality, these Godzilla Zippermouth Plush are soft, cute, and full of details that will appeal to kids and even the most discerning collector. Measuring approximately 8 1/2-inches tall, each plush features individually stuffed claws; embroidered details on his eyes, nose, spine; and custom-dyed fabric that’s super soft to the touch. They also sport a trademark Quantum Mechanix™ zippered smile you can unzip to reveal Godzilla’s destructive grin!”

Destructive grin. A possible name for a rotgut craft cocktail. These plushies arrive in June 2023 and you can reserve yours here. And while you start a punk band and/or sip some rotgut, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not leave you feeling stuffed…

SOMETHING WALKS IN THE WOODS / Out now (VOD)

“A viral video shows a mysterious figure walking along the edge of the woods each day, and filmmaker Bill Howard sets out to spend a night there to find out exactly what it is.”

It’s Bigfoot looking to pound the film out of anyone pointing a camera in his general direction

THE REAPER MAN / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“A grieving wife summons a dark spirit with an insatiable desire for revenge.”

I liked this better when it was called Pumpkinhead (1988).

SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After being forced to drive a mysterious passenger at gunpoint, a man finds himself in a high-stakes game of cat and mouse where it becomes clear that not everything is as it seems.”

This one stars Nicolas Cage, who has already been in 415 movies so far this year.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming Series)

“Whales begin sinking ships. Toxic, eyeless crabs poison Long Island’s water supply. The North Sea shelf collapses, killing thousands in Europe. Around the world, people are beginning to feel the effects of the ocean’s revenge as the seas and their inhabitants begin a ‘violent revolution’ against mankind. At stake is the survival of the Earth’s very fragile ecology — and ultimately, the survival of humanity.”

They had me at whales sinking ships. Points also for eyeless crabs.

Escaping Clowns, Kung fu Sharks, Space Garbage

While there are some really awesome escape room adventures — Saw and Evil Dead being at the top of that list — Warner Bros.™, Discovery Global Themed Entertainment™ and Egan Escape Productions™ look to top themselves with Escape IT Chapter Two — a Pennywise the Dancing Clown themed escape room challenge. And no need to go to Derry to clown around— it’s opening in Las Vegas later in 2023, which I believe is this year.

From Egan Escape Productions™ press release: “This thrilling experience features scenes from the first film, with the players immediately thrown in to aid in the search for the missing children of Derry. There’s no turning back as guests put their skills and critical thinking to the test, navigating some of the films’ most iconic locations including the infamous Neibolt House, Quality Meats, the Three Doors room, the Clown Funeral Room and even the sewer tunnels below Derry, all while trying to escape the clutches of Pennywise the Dancing Clown.”

Escape IT Chapter One is already open for pant-filling thrills. But Chapter Two promises 30,000 square feet, 20 interactive room, state-of-the-art special FX, lighting, animatronics and live actors. There’s also carnival-styled midway games and a full-scale It themed retail store complete with photo ops and exclusive custom merchandise. I hope they’ll be selling red balloons — I just love those things. Get affordable tickets here.

While we change our vacation plans from Derry to Vegas, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better with red balloons… 

NINJA VS. SHARK / April 14, 2023 (Released in Japan only)

“The slaughtered corpses of villagers are found on the remote area beach in Okitsu village. Samejiro Mizuchi, the leader of the heresy group Koumashu, uses ninjutsu to force sharks to collect pearls from the villagers in order to gain the power of immortality. Frustrated by this situation, the village chief goes to see Kotaro Shiozaki, a bodyguard at a temple on the outskirts of the village, to ask for help. Kotaro accepts the job with a reward, but a female ninja named Kikuma appears in his path. Kotaro challenges Sameshirou to save the villagers, but what appears in front of him is a gigantic shark that doesn’t seem to be of this world.”

You can achieve immortality through pearls? Do you mix ‘em with a protein shake or just swallow ’em like marbles? Pearls don’t seem very chewable, but hey, if it’ll allow me to live forever so I can continue to pay taxes (which I just love to do) I’ll give it a shot.

MRS. DAVIS / April 20, 2023 (Peacock™)

“A nun who goes to battle against an all-powerful Artificial Intelligence known as Mrs. Davis is an exploration of faith vs. technology, an epic battle of biblical and binary proportions.”

A.I. or not, you do not wanna mess with nuns — they regularly hang out with God, and if you mess with the sistas, all holy hell will break loose.

SPACE WARS — QUEST FOR THE DEEPSTAR / April 21, 2023 (Theaters), May 2, 2023 (VOD)

“A father-daughter team of space scavengers must race against a band of evil mercenaries to reach the legendary treasures on board a lost mythical freighter.”

Pffft — space scavenger is just a fancy way of saying garbage collector.

BIRTH/REBIRTH / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“A morgue technician successfully reanimates the body of a little girl, but to keep her breathing, she will need to harvest biological materials from pregnant women. When the girl’s mother, a nurse, discovers her baby alive, they enter into a deal that forces them both down a dark path of no return.”

Harvesting “biological material” from pregnant women? I seriously don’t wanna know what that is — and this coming from a guy who eats freshness-expired tuna.