They Call Him Mr. Vampire

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mr. Vampire 2

Mr. Vampire (not his real name) and his Two Stooges assistants, dig up an ancient tomb, looking to steal its contents. They find a vampire husband, wife and child, who all come back to life, thanks to the bumbling antics of the two assistants who need a solid front kick to the rice bag.

Mr. Vampire 2

That’s pretty much it for Mr. Vampire 2 (1986). Stupid comic bits, over-choreographed kung-fu fights and pratfalls, and those dumb hopping vampires.

Mr. Vampire 2

Throat-ripping and blood? Not a severed vein or crimson neck leak to be found. Mr. Vampire, you are hereby relieved of your duties.

The Pain In Spain Falls Mainly On My Face

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Abre Los Ojos

A sub-titled Spanish psycho-drama, Abre Los Ojos (aka, Open Your Eyes/1997) involves a young, rich guy who is so handsome, he could be my doppelganger. More or less.

Open Your Eyes

A car accident leaves his photo framing-worthy mug horribly scarred and eventually warps his mind to the point where he’s having trouble sorting out reality from his fantasy world in which he had his face repaired and is compromising his best friend’s girlfriend.

Open Your Eyes

All things being equal, he ends up killing a chick while horizontally dating her, just to make sense of his nightmare, the poor guy. But that’s just the beginning.

Open Your Eyes

Where this incredible gem throws its knockout punch is near the end, which is a twist of biblical proportions. That the boobies are perfecto and are but a mere bonus; the story is quite riveting. Sci-fi, horror, suspense, naked stuff, Abre Los Ojos is mucho grande.

Vanilla Sky

P.S. Abre Los Ojos/Open Your Eyes was remade in as Vanilla Sky in 2001 and stars Tom Cruise, who is pretty much my doppelganger.

Slash and Burn

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Burning

Cropsy — if that’s his real name — is an alcoholic and double-mean groundskeeper at Camp Blackfoot who uses over-sized cropping shears to trim that which needs trimming. No indication as to how he got his nickname, though.

The Burning

Playing a prank to get back at him for being such a dick, a bunch of teens accidentally set Cropsy on fire. Toasted ’n roasted is he. So badly is Cropsy barbecued, skin grafts won’t take. In fact his face looks like those melting Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981).

The Burning

Fast forward five years into the future (1981), and some of the kids responsible for the 1st Annual Cropsy Cook-out are now counselors at Camp Stonewater, just a melted marshmallow’s throw away from Blackfoot.

The Burning

Just like Jason in Friday the 13th (1980), Cropsy exacts his revenge on his victims in the most inconvenient of times, like during sex with boobs swinging to and fro. The slaughter is gruesome and swift, but it’s the infamous finger-shearing scene that got this barn-burner in trouble with uptight British censors. P*ssies.

The Burning

Scissors perforate throats and life-sustaining counselor fluid leaks out. In an unforeseen twist of fate, Cropsy gets to “sing around the campfire” one more time, if you smell what’s cookin’. All told, The Burning (1981) is old school slasher action, but somewhat more graphic. I just wish I knew how Cropsy got his name.

20,000 Fathoms of Fun

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms

Atomic bomb tests in the Arctic Circle defrosts a gigantic reptile creature-o-saurus (official name: Rhedosaurus). This monster is nearly 100-feet long, walks on all fours, has buzz-saw sharp things on his back, is several stories tall, and judging by his diet — shark, octopus, lighthouse, diving bell, roller coaster tracks, humans — is not a picky eater.

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms

Hibernating in ice for 100 million years, the thawed beast travels towards Manhattan, stopping off in Nova Scotia to eat a lighthouse as though it were a sugar cookie. Once in the city, Rhedosaurus wanders Times Square and takes a hole to the neck via a good ’ol United States Army bazooka. (Way to treat tourists, New York.)

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms

Red’s blood emits a virulent germ that contaminates the very streets where people used to live, litter, and now die. Rhedosaurus scorecard: 180 dead, 1,500 injured, $3,000,000 in collateral damage. Scientists determine that if a radioactive isotope can be fired into the monster’s open neck hickey, that might stop him from racking up more kill points.

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms (1953) is THE monster movie that inspired Godzilla (1954), coming out a full year before Japan copied the hell out of us. Good thing Godzilla was so cool, or else we’d be armed with more than an isotope, if you catch my drift.

Japanese Girls vs. Tokyo Zombies

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Battle Girl: The Living Dead in Tokyo Bay

A meteor crashes into Tokyo Bay, the resulting stink steam fusing with unknown heavy metal compounds and Hello Kitty™ energy drinks and creates Cosmo-Amphetamine, a chemical agent that revives the dead.

Battle Girl: The Living Dead in Tokyo Bay

Since the meteor just killed a city’s worth of people (6.5 million to be exact), Capt. Fujuka is tasked with keeping people from coming into Tokyo and zombies from leaking out. Thanks to grade-school special effects, he fences off an entire city in a few hours flat. That’s why they made him a captain.

Battle Girl: The Living Dead in Tokyo Bay

But Fujuka is ill-intent, experimenting on survivors, using Cosmo-Amphetamine to create a squad of military zombies that squirt green liquid when split open. Someone needs to clean up this mess, but who? How about the easily-pronounced K-ko, the hot daughter of Colonel Kirihara, who is working on the problem from outside the quarantine zone?

Battle Girl: The Living Dead in Tokyo Bay

You’d think she’d have her hands full, what with 6.5 million zombies and Fujuka screwing around. But there’s hardly any living dead encounters, and the fight scenes are so bad as to be nothing more than dance moves with chin kicks. Not a lot of gory undead gunk, either. Oh sure, a few rotters are made into sandwich bread slices, but hardly anything that satisfies a deep hunger for black gut stuff.

Battle Girl: The Living Dead in Tokyo Bay

If you’re gonna title a movie Battle Girl: The Living Dead in Tokyo Bay (1991) then you should have way more violent gore and ninja moves than, say, a chick flick. This felt like a snack when it needed to be all-you-can-eat.

The Wrongs of Dracula’s Rites

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Satanic Rites of Dracula

In The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1973) D’s plan is to introduce a new strain of the Bubonic plague to wipe humans off the face of the Earth. I don’t think Dracula was thinking ahead on this one. I mean, aren’t humans his grocery stores?

The Satanic Rites of Dracula

It’s the Eve of the Sabbath – and not the day before Black Sabbath releases a new album. Nope, this is the Sabbath of the Undead, kinda like spring break for those sorta not living. This does not meet eternal foe Van Helsing’s eco concerns, so he confronts Dracula at the very same spot they locked crosses two years earlier in Dracula A.D. 1972. Van Helsing comes prepared with a silver bullet, but AS ALWAYS can’t get the shot off in time before Dracula enunciates and throws a hissing fit.

The Satanic Rites of Dracula

The place catches on fire, so the fight spills over into the woods filled with Hawthorn bushes – he only other thing besides silver, garlic, pure running water, holy crosses, biblical scripture, altar boys and daylight that can defeat Dracula and make him soil his cape. Getting a sort of “crown of thorns,” Dracula gets tangled up, giving Van Helsing enough time to impale the evil outdoorsman with a fence post. As with every movie starring Dracula, he disintegrates. (Why can’t he explode just once?)

The Satanic Rites of Dracula

In all, Dracula shows up for a sec in the beginning of the movie and a few minutes at the end. Maybe he had other necks to do in the meantime. Bogged down in long stretches of back-story dialogue, there’s no room left for toothy action. Republican meddling once again. But when you rent a movie with the words “satanic” and “ritual” and “Dracula” in the title, you expect serious evil flavor to go down. Alas, it does not meet your eco concerns.

Hookers and Demons

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Demon Slayer

When a 19th Century hooker is denied a baptism for her child whom the father of is in question, the entire staff of the brothel where the woman worked many back-breaking hours renounces God and proceeds to have evil rituals. They do this by having sex with paying customers. They also cut off customer legs with axes, because all brothels should be equipped with such tools of the trade lest someone wants something a little kinky every now and again.

Demon Slayer

Fast forward to modern times and three highly stereotyped teen chicks and two guys are sentenced to house arrest at an abandoned mental institution. (That tired plot device. Again.) They have to clean the place up because sweeping will scare them straight so they won’t commit any more crimes. If they do a good job, their record is clean. If they don’t, it’s the electric chair. (Sorry, wishful thinking.)

Demon Slayer

Once inside, they start experiencing spooky things, like doors opening and shutting, people with gunk coming out of their mouths and maggots in the cookie dough. Two very convenient situations: the Day of the Dead is tomorrow, which means every dead person in that zip code gets to party. Secondly, the mental institution is built on the very tainted spot the evil brothel once stood. And if you didn’t see it coming, one of the chicks is a descendant of the evil house madam, Elodia. (That name sounds so made up.) These are what we call Lottery odds.

Demon Slayer Throw in two priests: one who knows the girl’s past, the other from Mexico and having only one eye. The basement floor glows red when something is about to happen. This evil-meter also emits spook smoke. One by one the teens are either possessed and ripping out spines, or screaming and running for their worthless lives. The best part of Demon Slayer (2003) other than the flagrant (but welcome) display of bare boobies: one possessed chick opens her mouth and a HUGE spider crawls out. Worst part: the rest of the movie.

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