Highway To Hades

Posted in Ghosts, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Haunted Highway

Fashion photographer Greg Ross never anticipated killing his wife after she found out about his darkroom goings on with a hot Asian model.

Haunted Highway

And it’s a fair bet he didn’t anticipate hitting her with his car and turning her into an exploding bag of tomatoes as she was out hitchhiking after she was dead. But how could that be? Her body is in the trunk, being taken up to Black Lake for a proper cement shoes burial.

Haunted Highway

The first hour of Haunted Highway (aka, Death Ride/2006) is spent looking through the previously clean windshield at the photog’s horrified face as he encounters his dead wife over and over on the road. Yep, that’s pretty flippin’ scary. To make matters worse, the supermodel keeps showing up in his car, looking all spooky and not wearing a seat belt. In a grand moment of inspiration, she utters the line, “I know what you did last summer,” or something to that effect. Then he hears tapping in the trunk and pulls over 14 times to check.

Haunted Highway

A sign indicates Disposable Body Lake is 90 miles away, yet it takes him all night until daybreak to get there. What, he’s never heard of Google Maps™? Eighty-five minutes long, they could’ve cut 60 of ’em and the movie would still be boring. The only plus: the Asian supermodel is hot.

Haunted Road

Once again, however, I’ve been misled by the cover art, my standard reviewing criteria. P.S. Don’t confuse this with Haunted Road (2014). That’s the first exit off Haunted Highway.

Malevolent Mermaids, Demonic Orphans, Evil Clams

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Captain Marvel

Intrigued and bemused at the trailer for the upcoming superhero movie, Captain Marvel, premiering March 8, 2019, probably on some sort of movie screen. First, the plot: “Carol Danvers becomes one of the universe’s most powerful heroes when Earth is caught in the middle of a galactic war between two alien races.”

Captain Marvel

Cool that a woman has been cast as Captain Marvel. But as the word “captain” has been mostly used to rank men with that prefix, the title seems odd. (And yes, I know women have been and will always be captains. They’re probably better suited to captainize; just look at the hot mess that was Captain Ahab in Moby Dick/1851; that guy should never be allowed anywhere near a commanding post/harpoon.)

Entertainment WeeklyThe trailer for Captain Marvel looks pretty cool and seems to deliver the superhero goods. So while we enthusiastically welcome this latest captain, here are a few now available horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth saluting…

Mermaid's Song

MERMAID’S SONG (available now)
Charlotte is coming of age during the 1930s depression, and along with her sisters, is struggling to keep the family business afloat. When gangster Randall offers to pay off the family debt, he demands some illegal changes to the business. But Charlotte, like her mother before her, is a mermaid capable of controlling humans with nothing but her voice, which creates a battle between all of those who want Charlotte’s magical powers for themselves.”

They had criminals way back in the 1930s? Who knew? And for the record, women — mermaids or not — have always been able to control guys with their voice. It’s called “nagging.”

Hide In The Light

HIDE IN THE LIGHT (available now)
“Siblings Kate and Todd lead a group of ‘Urban Explorers’ who amuse themselves breaking into places and exploring what society has left behind. When the group dares to break into the town’s abandoned orphanage, they quickly find themselves trapped inside the building. While fighting for their lives, they will realize that one of the deceased orphans and her demonic friend lurk within the shadows, thirsty for new blood.”

Why would deceased orphans have demonic friends? That’s like ordering a beer with a shot of lower shelf whiskey. And if Kate and Todd wanna see what society has left behind, they can break into my apartment. They’ll find me on the couch drinking a beer with a shot of lower shelf whiskey.

Calling All Earthlings

CALLING ALL EARTHLINGS (available now)
“A 1950’s Howard Hughes employee-confidante, George Van Tassel, uses alleged alien guidance and Nikola Tesla’s ideas to build a time machineThe Integratron. Is he deluded, or could it actually work? As waves of devotees join him in the California desert, the FBI gets involved fearing insurrection and possibly more. Nearing completion, Van Tassel’s tale and The Integratron meet an unexpected end: the ‘workings’ of the dome finally emerge. The unusual story is told by historians, astronomers and current residents of Joshua Tree, including the stewards of the Integratron, the Karl Sisters, and a galaxy of believers and skeptics alike.”

Word among the abducted is that this is a documentary. That’s like a movie based on real stuff. Gotta say, The Integratron is a slick name for a time machine. The best I could come up with is “1973 Chevy Nova”.

Black Wake

BLACK WAKE (available now)
“A series of deaths along the ocean is baffling scientists. As a detective discovers the crazed writings of a mysterious homeless man, one scientist realizes the threat may be an ancient force hell-bent on bringing madness to humanity.”

Again with the ancient forces. What bug crawled up their ass and died? Wonder if those forces are freshness-expired evil clams causing everybody to get anaphylaxis

Halloween Parties, Mutant Frogs, Ghost Cannibals

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Halloween

This is kinda neato cool — A Halloween soundtrack listening party in records stores across the U.S. (or “United States”), running from October 19, 2018 (the album’s release date) through October 21, 2018. And hey, a few of the stores will be handing out free goodie bags and vinyl giveaways. This is good, because I’d hate to come back later and egg their otherwise clean storefronts.

Halloween

A select section from the press release: “John Carpenter composed the score with Cody Carpenter and Daniel Davies. The new soundtrack pays homage to the classic Halloween score that Carpenter composed and recorded in 1978.” Hope this one is embellished with stabby noises and babysitter screams.

Halloween

After you click HERE to see if you’re anywhere near one of the select record stores. (Mine’s Sonic Boom, which is about a $25 Lyft™ ride to get to. Not sure how much to come back.) And when you’re done looking in the mirror to see how sad you are when you discover these parties aren’t anywhere near you, brighten your flushed day with these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna jiggle the handle…

Channel Zero: The Dream Door

CHANNEL ZERO: THE DREAM DOOR (October 26, 2018/SyFy™ Channel)
“Newlyweds Jillian and Tom have brought their own secrets into their marriage. After a strange door is discovered in their basement, those secrets they kept from each other will threaten their relationship — and their lives.”

Hope this installment is better than the last two. But hey, any excuse to plank on the couch. It’s said this one is based on the creepypasta short story Hidden Door by Charlotte Bywater. I don’t eat pasta; too creepy.

Strange Nature

STRANGE NATURE (2018)
“By moving in with her estranged hermit father in the backwoods of a small town, Kim and son Brody find themselves in the middle of a horrendous phenomenon where deadly offspring mutations spread from animals to humans.”

This one features mutant frogs. I’m hopping up and down with glee, though frogs kinda already look like mutants. I hate it when you get in a staring contest with one, and just when you think you’re gonna win, the darn thing makes its eyes bulge hard and goons you out. Man, I hate that.

I Still See You

I STILL SEE YOU (2018)
“Nine years after an apocalyptic event that killed millions, left the world is left inhabited by ghosts.”

Better ghosts than zombies. Ghosts won’t eat your face, whereas zombies would start chowing down without even stopping to remove the skin wrapper first. Still, with all those ghosts left hanging around, so much for getting in a little private time in the all-purpose bathroom. let’s just hope that ghosts are unable to post on Instagram™. Embarrassing doesn’t even begin to cover it.

The Dark

THE DARK (October 22, 2018/UK)
“An undead young woman, Mina, stalks the ‘Devil’s Den’ woods where she was killed. If anyone enters the woods, she kills them and feasts on the body. But when she stumbles upon a young blind boy named Alex in the back of a car who shows signs of horrifying abuse, she can’t bring herself to kill him. As police and locals close in, searching for Alex, Mina’s growing relationship with him changes her in ways she never thought possible.”

So she’s an undead cannibal and wants to be a nanny? Wonder if she charges by the hour? Hope she doesn’t eat your neck off if you don’t tip her.

Skeleton Sex

Posted in Ghosts, Science Fiction, Misc. Horror, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Diagnosis: Death

Andre Chang, an Asian/New Zealander English teacher (!) developed cancer after a ghost got into his body. Across town, 18 year-old hottie Juliet Reed (who learned about sex from her Tickle Me Elmo™ doll) came down with cancer as well. Yep, a ghost.

Diagnosis: DeathBoth end up at a clinic to undergo treatment using experimental hallucinatory drugs. Sure, why not?. Once there, Andre and Juliet see visions of a Charlotte Reid, a feminist novel writer, drowning her 9-year-old son in the hospital’s community bathtub, and then hanging herself in her room. Harsh.

Diagnosis: Death

Turns out her surviving sister is the hospital’s head nurse, in charge of administering the fun drugs. She seems transfixed by Juliet’s hotness. Me, too. Blaming the vision on the drugs, Andre and Juliet form a friendly bond that leads to sex. (“You’re almost as good as Elmo,” smiles Juliet.)

Diagnosis: DeathBut the visions are becoming more clear, this time showing the suicide hanging in its entirety with no commercial interruptions. The extension cord, with which she hung herself, gives way and Charlotte lands face first on the legs of the very metal stepping stool used to facilitate her new necktie. Her heads slides down one of the chairs legs and… You get the idea. These horrific visions provide the clues needed to solve the TRUE mystery and to punish the real criminal.

Diagnosis: Death

Diagnosis: Death (2009) is played as a very dry comedy with some mystery and romance crap thrown in. Despite teacher/student/Elmo sex there is no nudity. Lots of swearing and funny one-liners, though. A doctor describes a rather large suppository as akin to being butt-probed by a pineapple. That’s humorous on several levels.

Diagnosis: Death

Almost forgot — you get to see two skeletons having sex. It’s not nearly as erotic as one might imagine. My diagnosis of this semi-funny watered-down “horror” film: Meh. 

TV Superheroes, Wooden Evil, Bad Babies

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Daily Planet

Cracking up over the “cover story” of the Daily Planet (where Superman as Clark Kent works for minimum wage) about superheroes uniting to protect the Earth. Whoever mocked this up is a flippin’ genius and probably drinks a lot of smart water.

Lois Lane and Clark Kent

The article is “written” by Lois Lane. So awesome. But it’s the photo of Superman (George Reeves), Batman (Adam West), Robin (Burt Ward) Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) and Aquaman (Lloyd Bridges) that’s even better because none of these heroes overlapped in the same time/universe. Conclusive proof: Adventures of Superman aired from 1952 — 1958. Batman aired from 1966 — 1968. Wonder Woman aired from 1975 — 1979. And Sea Hunt (here’s the genius part) aired from 1958 — 1961. Outside of a pilot episode that sunk faster than a heavy metal clam, there was no Aquaman TV series. There was, however, a cartoon series that ran from 1967 — 1970, so someone cast former United States Navy frogman Mike Nelson (Lloyd Bridges) as the scuba-doo underwater hero (Sea Hunt ran for 155 episodes). That he was depicted as Aquaman (in his original DC Comics suit) is full-on brilliant. P.S. Aquaman was punked by Man From Atlantis, which ran from 1977 — 1978, and featured a guy with “amphibious abilities.” That is so low tide.

Sea Hunt

While I go to Metropolis to get a copy of the Daily Planet and frame it, here’s a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worthy of a Lois Lane cover story…

Blood Child

BLOOD CHILD (available now)
“After suffering a devastating miscarriage in Singapore, Ashley turns to a witch doctor to help her with the occult practice of raising a ‘ghost child’ and finding the spirit of her lost child. After returning to the States, Ashley and her husband Bill find themselves pregnant again. However, their happiness is short lived as the pregnancy acts as a catalyst for a series of terrifying events that start to occur within their home. The family soon learns that Ashley has brought back a lot more than just memories from Asia. The spirit of their lost child is not about to play second fiddle to the impending new arrival, and unleashes an unspeakable evil upon the household.”

YET ANOTHER evil kid birth movie. Start with Rosemary’s Baby (1968) and go from there. So what do you feed the little home wrecker — Gerber’s™ Demon Peas? (Their strained Hell bananas, though, are to die for. No pun intended.)

RootwoodROOTWOOD (2018)
“Students Jessica and William are hosting The Spooky Hour, a podcast about paranormal phenomena and urban legends, when they’re hired by the Hollywood film producer Laura Benott to produce a horror documentary about the Curse of the Wooden Devil. They smell a chance to become famous. Together with their friend Erin they enter Rootwood Forest and investigate the area to find out the truth about the Wooden Devil and his victims.”

Sounds like YET ANOTHER Blair Witch Project (1999) knock-off/rip-off. What if they get there, only to find out the Wooden Devil is just handmade birdhouse? We can only hope satanic seagulls live in it.

The Wind

THE WIND (2018)
“A supernatural thriller set in the Western frontier of the late 1800s, where a plains-woman is driven mad by the harshness and isolation of the untamed land.”

She’s not looking at the plus side of living way out in the middle of nowhere. No traffic, noisy neighbors and plenty of flesh-eating buffalo to play fetch with and occasionally rub their fuzzy bellies (they really like that). Sounds like a slice of Heaven to me.

Isabelle

ISABELLE (2019)
“An all-American couple dream of starting a family is shattered after they move into the perfect New England neighborhood. Once settled, they soon after descend into the depths of terror as they struggle to survive a genuine threat from a dark presence that appears to want to end their very lives.”

Though this one was originally titled, The Wanting, it should’ve been called The Republicans. It also describes me in a dive bar, or “unkempt tavern.”

Zombie Ghost Kids

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on September 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wicked Little Things

After her husband dies, a hot young mom, her equally attractive 16-year-old daughter and 9-year-old little sister pack up and head deep into the Pennsylvania mountains where they’ve inherited the family house. It’s more like a rat shack, though, with none of the amenities hot chicks need, like a slow-motion shower.

Wicked Little Things

The littlest sibling hears children’s voices in the dark woods surrounding their four-story Roach Motel™ and wanders off. She discovers a mine shaft opening. This was the site of a tragic tragedy 90 years earlier in which 15 kids died while working in the coal mines. These minors were miners. Heh.

Wicked Little Things

Those same kids, now ghosts, come back every night for redemption and food. Not necessarily in that order. They have black eyes, zombie faces, and carry axes and picks and shovels. And not one of them had a Nintendo DS™.

Wicked Little Things

A local crazy guy who lives in an equally lavish dump nearby, drains his own blood into jars and goes around painting doors to keep the zombie kid ghosts out. Meanwhile, the youngest daughter has befriended one of the ghosts and are now BGFF.

Wicked Little Things

The mom discovers old photo albums and newspaper clippings in the spider web-y basement and starts to piece together the disaster that happened all those happy years ago and finds out she’s a descendant. Another descendant: the arrogant land owner who’s getting ready to evict everyone so he can turn the mountain into a ski resort (ghosts get half-off ski lift tickets).

Wicked Little Things

The local crazy guy ties up one of his pigs outside the land owner’s house, and the zombie kids play whack-a-mole with it. Then they eat it as though it were wet beef jerky. No flinching on gore, violence or swear words. Rent a pig and watch Wicked Little Things (2006) — you’ll both walk away having learned a few life lessons.

Naked and Nude Witch

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart (1992) starts out with a short bit with 6’1” B-movie goddess Julie Strain, naked, showering, putting on her makeup, styling her hair and being spectacularly naked.

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

She’s prepping for her role as a stripper/singer Belladonna. FYI: Julie lets ’em out of the blouse bag again during her performance at a club called Coven. Apparently, she sold her soul to become a successful rock star. (The asking price about that of a TV dinner.)

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

There’s a warlock talking in an echo-y voice who owns Belladonna and makes her strip instead of sing. Most of the movie, though, is about someone looking for someone, blah, blah, blah. 

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

Julie has sexuals with him in a romantic freight elevator, which you only hear and not really see. (The sex, not the elevator.) That displeased me. The other irritation point is the plot almost has nothing to do with witchcraft, and plods along as a really complicated and boring murder mystery.

Julie Strain

Forget the movie and just watch Julie doing that naked stuff in the intro. Like I’m doing right now. For the fifth time.