The Farmer’s Zombie Daughter

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Maggie

The Terminator himself – Arnold Schwarzenegger – in a cannibalistic zombie movie? The fudge you say. And yet, it’s fudgin’ true, I tell you.

Starring in Maggie (releasing May 8, 2015), a horror movie about a Midwestern farmer whose daughter slowly turns into the aforementioned flesh-eater, Arnold has to figure out how to TERMINATE (heh) the problem.

Maggie

Co-starring is Abigail Breslin as the zomb-teen. You may remember her as Mel Gibson’s five-year-old daughter in the crop circle movie, Signs (2002). Now she’s grown impressively into her shirt if you catch my driftings.

Joely Richardson also stars. She’s the hot red-head who was in Loch Ness in 1996. That had the Loch Ness Monster in it as well as Ted Danson. He’s kind of a monster.

Loch Ness Monster

So I’m wonderin’ how Arnold’s farm daughter came down with zombieitis? One might surmise being bitten by a cow getting revenge after all its brethren society has eaten. Or maybe she touched icky farm stuff, rubbed her eyes, and then came down with hay fever (heh). I’m hoping it’s the cow.

Man, I am all over the road today.

Doom with a View

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , on April 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Listing

Some really impressive, albeit over the top, marketing for The Listing (2015), a nine-minute horror short. If they put this much effort into the ad poster (flippin’ awesome at that), then one can only glisten with excitement sweat over the film itself, which runs about as long as a post-high fiber breakfast sit down.

It’s the last home you’ll ever buy,” the movie’s kicker line, is kinda generic, though, I would’ve gone with “Doom with a View” or “F’d Up Death House Party.” But then I’m all about marketing. The long line is a bit better: “3 Bedroom, 2 Bath, 1 Dungeon, and a deadly aftermath.” (The “deadly aftermath” part lines up nicely with “post-high fiber breakfast sit down.”

The Listing

The plot is also less-than-informative: “A beautiful two-story starter home is for sale, but all its former occupants have never left alive.” I wonder if the bank that loaned them the money killed ’em for late payments? Sounds like something a BANK in and of AMERICA might do.

The beauty of The Listing (releasing sometime in 2015) being so short is that, by nature, has to get to a “don’t bore us, get to the chorus” punchline quickly. I like this business model. So much so, I’m gonna start doing day-to-day everything in nine minutes, starting in about 15 minutes. Hey, I’m busy, man.

Anti-Religious Prison Shark

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shark Exorcist

Only in your lifetime could this happen: Shark Exorcist – YET ANOTHER shark movie due out sometime in 2015.

Shark Exorcist

Mashing up The Exorcist (1973) with Jaws (1975), Shark Exorcist involves a demonic nun unleashes holy heck when she summons the Devil to possess a man-eating shark.

Let us prey.

But wait, order now and you can get Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre (pending 2015) for the same price! Here’s part of why you should care…

Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre

“The beautiful inmates at a women’s prison in rural Arkansas concoct a daring plan to escape. It works perfectly. The guards are unable to stop them. But the ladies can’t prepare for a previously unknown menace: the Arkansas swamp shark. It hunts the escapees. It hunts the guards. It hunts every human being that it can reach. Nothing can stop it.”

Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre

Here’s the other part of why you should care: Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre stars legendary adult film thespian, Traci Lords. I’m thinkin’ at the MILF-ripened age of 47 she doesn’t drop top for the good of all mankind. Maybe the Arkansas swamp shark bites it off. That’d be pretty cool, you know, from a unique plot twist standpoint.

Ahem.

Picking A Bone With Skeleton Man

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Skeleton Man

Schlock genre movie actor Casper Van Dien is part of YET ANOTHER commando troop wandering around the jungle to go after a paranormal whatever. This time it’s a guy wearing a black hood, cape and plastic skeleton mask purchased from the Planet Halloween™ discount bin.

Skeleton Man

The back story involves some ancient Indian guy who killed a bunch of people and somehow comes back to life, jumping in and out of a time portal to continue his stabby vocation. The military troops are unspectacularly (great word – I must use it more often) killed one by one until the leader manages to trap the “skeleton man” in a power plant and blow up the place.

Skeleton Man

Skeleton Man (2004) is so g-damn awful it almost made me consider religion as an escape. The dialogue actually hurts ears. And for once Casper Van Dien did the right thing and got himself taken out early on. Now if we can just get the Skeleton Man to do the same to whoever green-lighted this butt burrito.

Godzilla Hotel

Posted in Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla Hotel

Godzilla, the world’s most iconic monster who has dominated all other monsters and related merchandising for decades, is about to conquer another foe: the hotel industry.

Godzilla Hotel opens April 17th, 2015 in monstrous fashion in Shinjuku, Tokyo, with an 80-ton, built-to-scale, radiation-spewing G-Head atop the 31-story Shinjuku Toho building. (For hotel purists, the life-size head was based on his face from 1992’s Godzilla vs Mothra.)

Godzilla Hotel

From the press release that arrived with no free tickets to Japan OR complimentary five night stay with mini-bar privileges: “There are two viewing rooms, which overlook the massive head of the King of Monsters that erupts from the roof of the theater, while the third is a Godzilla Room boasting its own statue, movie posters and a gigantic claw over the beds. The hotel also offers Godzilla-themed memorabilia and treats.”

Godzilla Hotel

And the price to stay at what is now the best hotel in the world? $334 to $417 a night, depending on the date. The $125 view rooms are a less wallet destructive.

Godzilla Hotel

All this comes on the heels of Toho re-booting the Godzilla franchise for a 2016 release, no doubt re-energized by the American 2014 Godzilla movie blockbustering in $528.7 million worldwide. That would buy a lot of nights at Godzilla Hotel.

I wonder if the concierge is Rodan? That’d be so cool. Just don’t let him park your car; he’d probably eat it.

Demonic Demon v.2

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sinister 2

And the sequels keep on sequeling. Sinister 2, arriving in theaters August 12, 2015, continues the evil doings of Buhguul (dumb name, hard to pronounce, hard to spell), the demonic buttwipe who spooked the holy crap out of a true crime writer and his family.

The crime writer was researching a murder and stumbled across some 8mm home movies. Probably thinking “Score – vintage porn!” he rolls tape and sees families being snuffed in a variety of serial killer fashion: drowning, car burning, death by lawnmower. (Someone sure got their weed whacked – heh.)

Sinister

But it’s the pool drowning scene where the writer gets his first look at Buhguul, who happened to be in the bottom of the pool, watching from a ringside seat. This goons out Mr. Writer. The upshot is all these families were murdered and their children(s) taken away by Buhguul. Well dang – the writer has kids! Connect the dots and go from there.

Sinister was not half bad for a demonic horror movie. The sequel, however, does not continue  with the same cast, but with a whole new set of victims. As such…

“In the aftermath of the shocking events in Sinister (2012), a protective mother and her 9-year-old twin sons find themselves in a rural house marked for death as the evil spirit of Buhguul continues to spread with frightening intensity. ”

Intensity’s a lot better when it’s frightening. So rent and watch/re-watch Sinister, then intensely wait for Sinister 2.

Classic ’70s Sleaze Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Eaten Alive

Hard to come up with a horror movie title more tantalizing than 1977’s Eaten Alive. Oh sure they tried, even by re-titling this Seventies lurid gem: Death Trap, Horror Hotel and Starlight Slaughter. Meh. Eaten Alive tells you everything you need to know.

And this is why it’s so cool Eaten Alive is being re-issued on Blu-ray™ with a metric ton of extras sometime in July, 2015. So why all this fuss over a low budget sleazy horror movie that barely made it to the drive-in big screens and was left collecting dust in VHS discount bins?

Eaten Alive

First, look who was involved with this thing: Tobe Hooper directed and did the soundtrack. You may remember him as the director from another forgotten little movie called The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974). Then there was a starring role from Caroline Jones, widely known as Morticia from The Addams Family cult TV series (1964 – 1966) playing a brothel owner. And who is that shirtless redneck hick trying to score with a hooker? None other than Freddy Krueger himself – Robert England. Marilyn Burns, who played the endlessly screaming survivor in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, stars as an unhappy wife. How can you ever be happy after being tormented by a chain saw?

Eaten Alive

Eaten Alive has it all – a war-damaged scuzzy hotel owner, some bare boobies, some gory deaths by way of a scythe, and a GIANT CROCODILE. Set in the Louisiana swamp backwoods, Judd, the hotel proprietor, has loose noodles for brains and keeps the aforementioned GIANT CROCODILE as a pet in the stink pond the hotel (more like a shack with several rooms) ’round back. Throw in a beleaguered prostitute, a feisty redneck, some guests who shouldn’t really be there and the GIANT CROCODILE that eats you alive, you have a movie that practically writes itself.

Eaten Alive

The re-issued Eaten Alive contains so many extras, it would take me away from watching my UFO stories on YouTube™ to list ’em all here. Of the plethora of bonus stuff, I’m visibly shocked they didn’t have an interview with the GIANT CROCODILE itself, reminiscing about what Freddy Krueger tastes like. Then again, it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 88 other followers