The Horror of Mondays

Posted in Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 8, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monday at 11:01AM

Monday at 11:01AM is an odd title for a… Um, I don’t know what it is. Horror, sci-fi, porn with clothes on? But the press release says it’s a suspense thriller. I don’t know what that means. That’s probably to make it sound more like a “film”  instead of a “movie.” Whatever the case, it has an intriguing movie poster as well as a plot…

Monday at 11:01AM

“Michael and Jenny, a happy couple, are out for a blissful weekend in a picturesque resort town. While Jenny shops in a local boutique, Michael stops off at the local watering hole, where he meets a friendly bartender (Lance Henriksen) and a sexy temptress (Briana Evigan).

Monday at 11:01AM

Michael declines her overtures, but even stranger events take place in a local hotel – such as ghostly happenings in Suite 327, the sounds of violent lovemaking that only Michael can hear; and a cult of Druid worshipers who suddenly emerge from the local forest and chase after Michael. Doing the smart thing, Michael and Jenny head out of town – only to discover that their only escape route, a mountain tunnel, is blocked by the Highway Patrol.”

Monday at 11:01AM

Monday at 11:01AM appears to borrow heavily from The Shining (1980). For instance, Suite 327. The spook room in The Shining’s Overlook Hotel was Room 237. All Monday did was switch the numbers around. And Lance is spot on as the “Llyod-esque” bartender. And in the trailer, Michael is seen slowly unraveling like a discount sweater and eventually ending up dragging a bloody axe across what appears to be clean floors.

So when does Monday at 11:01AM get released? My best guess is Monday. At 11:01. AM. Heh.

Latin Vampires

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vamprios

Vampiros (2004) is a Latin version and street-flavored updating of The Lost Boys (1987). In this “Perdido Muchachos,” Jonathan has one-night stand with a hot blonde he just met in a festivo club. He was there with his buddy Miguel to see Circo, his favorite band in the whole mundo. With freshness-expired beats and incisive lyrics like “flying through the grass that sprouts from your lagoon,” I can see why.

Vampiros

Johnathan takes the blonde (Gloria) back to his apartment and they show each other their private parts (not shown), but don’t tell each other their last names. Doing so would reveal too much. Ahem. Gloria rewards Johnathan’s efforts with a vampire bite, which converts him into an undead sucker of sangre. This makes him so darn mad as he didn’t want to be a vampire.

Vampiros

Enlisting the reluctant help of his two buddies, they travel the night, looking for answers about his upgrade. What Johnathan finds is a swarm of vampires, each young, good-looking, and having a lot of facial posing skills. Seeking the help of a vampire, Johnathan discovers he can never go back to being human. That sucks. (Heh.) He also learns that Esteban, the charismatic vampire leader with muscles, stylish bling and styling product in his undead hair, is assembling his horde for a vampire uprising. Johnathan can be part of the solution or part of the problem. Guess which path he takes?

Vampiros

The padre vampire in the shadows finds this all very amusing. What a burro. Bogged down by a linear plot, zero special effects, fake evil eyes, and perfectly straight and white vampire fangs, Vampiros is a tedious way to enjoy the technology of your TV, even without the sub-titles.

Latin Vampires

One a side note, the bands that make up the soundtrack have their lyrics brought up on the screen. A heavy metal punk band backs up the tattoo parlor scene with filthy language unbecoming of a hit record. Still, pretty dang funny.

Vampiros displays no nudity, hopelessly corny dialogue, barely any blood, and one of the weakest fights between an experienced vampire leader and a newbie neck-biter. How do you say “refund” in Spanish?

Extraterrestrial Lighting

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Phoenix Incident

If you were visiting, renting or gassing up in Phoenix, Arizona on Thursday, March 13, 1997 at around 10PM, you were one of the tens of thousands of people who witnessed the Phoenix Lights, the biggest UFO sighting in the history of the entire flappin’ universe. (Except the Pleadies System – UFOs gas up there.)

Phoenix Lights

To commemorate that TRUE event is the indie sci-fi “film,” Phoenix Incident, releasing in March 2016, but after already circulating in foreign countries and cheesy horror movie blogs (ahem) since 2015. Here’s what that incident is about…

“Blurring the line between fiction and reality, the fact based, sci-fi thriller revolves around a military conspiracy and the controversial missing person’s case surrounding the infamous 1997 event.”

“With the support of the victims’ families, along with classified military documentation, cockpit recordings, Air Force pilot interviews, actual FLIR footage, and first-hand recovered video evidence, Phoenix Incident exposes the military’s engagement with extraterrestrial contact, and the collateral damage of four civilians.”

Phoenix Lights

Smart of the movie to include actual footage of the Phoenix Lights on that fateful night UFOs came to town. But why watch the movie when you can see the documentary made by Dr. Lynn D. Kitei, who actually filmed the extraterrestrial visitation and made The Pheonix Lights: We Are Not Alone (2008), a documentary out of it? She has nice hair and washes her hands, so there’s no way in heck she could be lying about this stuff.

Phoenix Lights

Sure, there are those who cry hoax and seek to rob us of The Truth, claiming the lights were nothing more than a fighter jets dropping flares before returning to the nearby Luke Air Force Base, which is military procedure when completing a training mission that wastes taxpayer money. What a flaming load. Why won’t skeptics realize that UFOs often disguise themselves as flares in order to probe our air space without undue attention?

Debunkers suck.

Physician to the Mutants

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deep in the Darkness

Deep in the Darkness (2014) is a creature horror feature adapted from the 2004 book of the same name (what are the odds?) by Michael Laimo.

Lurking Fear

While Laimo has stated his novel was influenced by the 1973 horror movie Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, it really smells more like H.P. Lovecraft’s short story The Lurking Fear (1922), which was fitted for VHS in 1994 by Full Moon Entertainment as Lurking Fear.

Lurking Fear is about mutant humanoid creatures – which lurked pretty cool – living underneath a church-sanctioned graveyard. Holy holes!

Bleeders / Dark Heritage

And since we’re digging deep in the darkness (aka, my soul), the 1997 Canadian horror movie Bleeders (aka, Hemoglobin), is another take on the H.P. Lovecraft story about sub-dwelling mutant-esque creatures (aka, the Van Dam family) who have become deformed and bloodthirsty from centuries of inbreeding.

Then there’s the obscure Dark Heritage: The Final Descendant (1989), which is also (unofficially) adapted from H.P. Lovecraft’s story.

Whew – I thought I was gonna have a Scanners (1981) exploding head moment trying to get that all out.

Scanners

Now that you know the premise, Deep In The Darkness, using the above as a business model, has a big town (Manhattan)  doctor moving to a small town (New Hampshire) that harbors an icky secret: mutated creatures living in caves in the woods.

Deep in the Darkness

A really small town (population: 1,700+), New Hampshire seems caught in time and doesn’t even have cable TV. (How do they live?!?) But as Dr. Michael Cayle acclimates to life without television, he discovers the dirty secret – there are creatures called Isolates infesting the town.

Deep in the Darkness

But these ick creatures have a Martial Law resolute: They control the entire town and demand sacrifices in exchange for allowing people to live. Okay, why isn’t anybody calling U-Haul™ and getting the ick outta there?

Deep in the Darkness

As the doctor is a medical dude, the grunt-and-growling man-creatures capture him and take him into their cave hole to help a female ick creature give birth. Upfront I’ll just say a muddy cave used for living space and bathroom-y stuff is the farthest distance from a sterile medical environment as you can get this side of a Manhattan sewer.

Deep in the Darkness

The creatures kill citizens in gory fashion and go all out to keep the doctor from fleeing with his wife and kid. Even so, Deep In The Darkness is a “meh” movie experience despite the ick factor. Pretty much the same with the aforementioned movies. Read H.P. Lovecraft’s story instead and avoid the sewer.

American Demons, Swiss Zombies, German Sci-Fi

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ava's Possession

While 2016 got off to a bumpy start in January, with the upcoming releases of four new horror/sci-fi movies announced in the first few molting days of February gives one hope that the rest of the year won’t suck buttock.

First up is Ava’s Possession, arriving March 4, 2016: “Ava is recovering from demonic possession. With no memory of the past month, she must attend a Spirit Possessions Anonymous support group to figure out what happened. Ava’s life was hijacked by a demon, now it’s time to get it back.”

Demonic possession is always good for the soul.

Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies

Gonna have to wait ‘til the end of 2016 to see Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies. I’m okay with that –gives me something positive to look forward to in December besides egg nog. Here’s what AotLZ is about:

“Steve, a young professional snowboarder, his girlfriend Branka and fellow snowboarder Josh get left behind on the mountain. They seek shelter in a garish, loud aprés-ski tavern that’s hosting an all-night party for the longest night of the year. Things go from bad to worse when a scientific experiment conducted by a local entrepreneur unleashes an epidemic of zombies and mutant wildlife, but this is mostly lost on the local drunkards as they themselves are not always so easy to distinguish from zombies. Steve, Branka and Josh have to find a way to survive this hellish night.”

If they’re looking to cast local drunkards, my calendar is wide open.

The Possession Experiment

Speaking of being possessed, The Possession Experiment arrives in the European market on February 13, 2016 and offers YET ANOTHER spin on the curiously popular demonic possession/exorcism theme: “Brandon, a theology student, is teamed with a classmate and are led to investigate a multiple homicide/suicide that eventually is discovered to have been an exorcism gone horribly wrong. Brandon quickly becomes obsessed with the event, and decides the only way to research this topic is to undergo it himself. Brandon realizes that though he was incredibly intrigued by it, he has taken on more than he can handle.”

Performing an exorcism on yourself seems a lot like that Cinnamon Challenge on YouTube™.

EZO1 Madness

Horror not your cup of blood? Then you might want to check out the oddly titled EZO1 Madness (releasing 2016), the first independent sci-fi movie coming from Germany in more than two decades, or 20 years. Described as “combining breathless action in an interesting take on Eastern and Western philosophy and classic horror elements.”

I’m all about philosophy, so this one could be good brain food: “EZO1 Madness is set in a post-apocalyptic world, where the last of human kind are hunted by giant monsters, zombies, genetically enhanced soldiers and ancient machines of war.”

EZO1 Madness is set to make the indie film circuit in 2016. Until such time I’ll go back to reading The Incoherence of the Philosophers For Dummies.

Glam Space Robots

Posted in Aliens, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

War of the Robots

The Italian-made War of the Robots (aka, La Guerra del Robots/1978) looks like a junior high school production of Battlestar Galactica and employs some of the worst sub-budget special effects this side of the singing toilet paper holder in my bathroom that plays “Wipeout” every time I need a PMT (“Personal Moment Tissue.”)

War of the Robots

Hum-bots (looks like humans, made of robot) on the dying planet of Atheron are causing headaches for everyone, especially after they kidnap a space commander’s girlfriend and a genetic scientist. (The Hum-Bots, it should be noted, all have Prince Valiant hair styles and wear shiny silver suits licensed from ABBA. Not sure why robots need hair – it’d rust when you shampoo it.)

War of the Robots

The chase leads the space troopers to Atheron and a battle with ray guns ensues. The rescuers, however,  find the girlfriend and professor have been named the planet’s Emperor and Empress and are now doing evil stuff. (That didn’t take long for them to renounce their goody-goody Earth ways.)

War of the Robots

But wait – a sweet long con is being played. The girlfriend fakes being evil (or is she faking being good?) and they all take off in plastic spaceships. An army of UFOs goes after or “pursues” them. Thanks the stars somebody had a copy machine – one spaceship turns into 43 at the push of a button. And when spaceships are blasted, they explode silently in a burst of light, leaving no debris. The future is so clean.

War of the RobotsWar of the Robots is a painful sci-fi experience. There were only seven blonde robots, but since they all look identical they were re-used throughout the movie. (I watched the same guy get killed 17 times.) The UFOs look like they were modeled after Space Invaders ™. The space helmets look like old radio tube transistors. And those glittery clothes – Liberace must be rolling around Uranus.

Chinese Demon Sex

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 1, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Erotic Ghost Story

If you’re in the mood for sub-titled foreign fantasy horror that has lots and lots of soft-core sex, tops to bottoms naked nudity and a three-headed demon, you need look no further than Erotic Ghost Story (1990), a Chinese cult classic.

Erotic Ghost Story

In ancient days, three fairy ghosts get turned into human as busom-y, sexually gassed up gals. The supernatural rule says that if they can maintain their busom-y forms for 36 days, they will become immortal. Sounds simple enough until a Taoist priest with sorcery powers warns them not to give into their growing urge to merge – or pay the consequences. Taoist priests can be such buzzkills.

Erotic Ghost Story

The girls – So-So, Fei-Fei, and Hua-Hua – were doing just fine until the fires down below start burning. They play with themselves. They play with each other. And they play with Wu Ming, a young scholar living nearby. One by one, each seduces him – ON THE SAME DAY – in what can only be described as prolonged, up close and personal boinking. The longing ladies don’t know it, but they just knocked clogs with a demon, which explains how he could rise to the occasion three times ON THE SAME DAY.

Erotic Ghost Story

A love rectangle forms and all four frolic nakedly in hot spring ponds, squeeze and grope and splish splash water on each other. One day, while giving their loins some much needed time off, the gals discover their bodies are slowly changing into animal form. (STDs were kinda different back in ancient days.)

Erotic Ghost Story

Not happy about this, they go to Wu Ming’s hut to find out what’s what, only to see he has their uppity neighbor lady stripped and strung up while he changes into his demon form to get in a little happy time. A failed confrontation complete with colored lightning, wind and swirly beams has the gals beaten. Wu Ming then casts a spell that hypnotizes them into taking off their clothes and turning green. (These days it only takes a six or seven cocktails.)

Erotic Ghost Story

Before Ming can do his thing, the magical Taoist priest flys out of the sky to battle the demon, who has now revealed his true three-headed self. The priest unleashes in the east and the problem is solved, but not before he reprimands the now re-dressed/de-greened girls. Taoist priests can be such buzzkills.

Not to reader: Please get permission from your mom to watch this movie.

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