The Horror of Pregnancy and Meatballs

Posted in Bigfoot, Evil, Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shelly

All these new horror movies coming out, and yet I get the nagging feeling I’ve seen ’em all before. Maybe I did in a previous life. Hey, that might make a good idea for a horror movie!

SHELLY (out now VOD / December 13, 2016 / DVD)
“An unholy force takes root in an expectant mother’s womb in this eerie, dread-inducing shocker. Privileged, nouveau-eco-hippies Louise and Kasper live off the grid in a remote home in the woods. Unable to conceive, the couple arranges for their immigrant maid, Elena, to act as a surrogate mother in exchange for payment. But as Elena becomes mysteriously sicker with each passing day, fears mount about what may be growing inside her.”

Rosemary's Baby

Sounds a bit like Rosemary’s Baby (1968). Looks like Rosemary’s Baby, too. That one didn’t have nouveau-eco-hippies, though. Shelly should get Elena a midwife familiar with the birthing techniques of evil. And on the day she pops, it might be nice to have black towels handy lest any evil leakings get on the rug. (That stuff is hard to get out of shag carpeting.)

Claire In Motion

CLAIRE IN MOTION (January 13, 2017)
“Three weeks after Claire’s husband has mysteriously disappeared, the police have ended their investigation and her son is beginning to grieve. The only person who hasn’t given up is Claire. Soon she discovers his troubling secrets, including an alluring yet manipulative graduate student with whom he had formed a close bond. As she digs deeper, Claire begins to lose her grip on how well she truly knew her husband and questions her own identity in the process.”

Spoiler: The reason Claire’s husband bailed is because this movie sounds boring. (He’s probably just getting in quality mattress time with some graduate student chick.)

Pitchfork

PITCHFORK (January 13, 2017 / VOD)
“Having recently shared a life-changing secret with his family, Hunter recruits his friends to come with him from New York to the farm where he grew up as he faces his parents for the first time. As the college students enjoy the fresh air of Michigan farm country, an older, more dangerous secret slowly emerges. While Hunter navigates a new place within his conservative family, a vicious creature from their past descends on the farm, putting the unsuspecting city kids in mortal danger.”

So a guy comes out to his judgmental parents and they unleash a stab-y creature monster on him? As this is set on a farm, I’m speculatin’ out loud that the monster might actually be — are you ready for this — a cow. Makes total sense when you think about it.

Kodoku: Meatball Machine

KODOKU: MEATBALL MACHINE (2017)
“This blood-drenched, twisted story melds cyberpunk sci-fi, fantasy, extreme gore, and comedy.”

An unexpected bonus to 2017: Kodoku is the sequel in name only to Yūdai Yamaguchi and Jun’ichi Yamamoto’s 2005 splatter classic, Meatball Machine. All the adjectives above don’t come close to describing the visual explosions therein. Heck, I even profiled MM on August 27, 2014 and put some really cool movie pics of all the cyberpunk sci-fi, fantasy, extreme gore, and comedy.

Click HERE to scope it.

Evil In Real-Time

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Live Evil

We humans aren’t the only ones affected by pollution. After years of taking drugs, smoking drugs, eating drugs and overloading on McDonald’s Happy Meals™, our blood is so contaminated, even vampires won’t drink it. And when they do, they vomit all over the place. How rude.

Over the years this poor diet has led to vampire mutations, with some being able to walk around in day light as if a werewolf, others having their fanged mouths in the palm of their hands. (You DO NOT wanna give these vampires a high-five.)

Live Evil

So off four of vampires go, traveling from the blood-bereft Nevada desert to the gushing Hollywood Hills, looking for something to drink. Yep, you’ll find countless decorative ponds of untainted blood in L.A.

Hot on their trail is a whiskey-swilling old priest who carries a Samurai sword and guns. If you can’t figure out why the priest has been so hardcore about chasing down a particular vampire couple, you should stick your head in a garbage can.

Live Evil

Yeah, the movie title (Live Evil/2008) is dumb and the action is both hokey and Z-grade. But there’s lots of gooshing gore and naked nudity. Sounds like a typical day in Hollywood.

Cooking Rice For Vampires

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rigor Mortis

Chin Siu-ho, star of Mr. Vampire (1985), has a problem. He just moved into a functioning slum apartment building with the intention of committing suicide (his wife left him). But while hanging from an overhead fan (he must be in one of the deluxe slum units), twin chick ghosts materialize at the opportunity and take over his soon-to-be dead body. Carpe diem.

Rigor Mortis Before this can come to fruition, Yau, a chain-smoking downstairs neighbor in his boxers and robe, busts down the door, battles the ghost gals and makes them go back in the wall from whence they came. Behold the power of boxers and robes. Yau, if you haven’t deduced, is a retired vampire hunter. And he has to un-retire to smack those ghost chick creatures.

Rigor Mortis

Elsewhere in the stylish squalor, Tung, a foul-mouthed old man, tells his wife Meiyi he’s going on a saki bender for a few days. He unfortunately falls face first down the hi-rise stairs and splat dies. Fortunately, there’s a black magic expert also living in the building. Gau helps the market fresh widow preserve the body in the bathtub in voodoo dirt and puts a voodoo chain mask on him, advising her to never remove the mask. Mask comes off, Tung turns into a jiangshi. (Wikipedia: Chinese “hopping” vampire, ghost, or zombie, a type of reanimated corpse in Chinese legends and folklore.)

Rigor Mortis

Not sure how this all ties together, especially when informed that glutinous rice is used to combat vampires. Yau tells Chin Siu-ho that after all the vampires are vanquished, vampire hunters become restaurant owners/cooks as they need a job and they’re pretty good making rice. You never think of these things.

Rigor Mortis

All these ingredients come to a boil as Yau, never bothering to put on his pants, teams with Chin Siu-ho and has a holy throw down with the ghost chicks, who have blood tendrils coming out of every orifice. Then they have to deal with Tung, whose hopping all over the place and causing grievous bodily harm. And I thought my apartment building was bad.

Rigor Mortis

Rigor Mortis (2013) is strikingly atmospheric and loaded with grim and gruesome visuals. The in-house vamps will goon you out, especially when a flashback tells you how they became ghosts, a short but vicious sequence. My only complaint to an otherwise solid horror movie is they didn’t show you how to cook glutinous rice. Whenever I make it, the dang stuff sticks to everything. And it’s pretty much useless against the vampires in my apartment building. Maybe I need to add garlic butter or something.

Vampire Sequels, Family Ghosts, Social Media Killers

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stake Land II

Got some vampires, ghosts, tweener ghosts and slashers headed your way. Not real vampires, ghosts, tweener ghosts and slashers, mind you. Just movie ones. But keep an eye open, just in case.

STAKE LAND II (February 7, 2017 / digital, February 14 / DVD)
“Set several years after the events in Stake Land (2010), in which mankind must struggle to survive in the wake of a vampire apocalypse. When his home in New Eden is destroyed by a revitalized Brotherhood and its new Vamp leader, Martin finds himself alone in the badlands of America with only the distant memory of his mentor, the legendary vampire hunter Mister, to guide him. Roaming the wilderness of a steadily decaying country, Martin searches for the one man who can help him exact revenge.”

Revenge. Where would horror movies be without it? One of the best summations of revenge comes from City of Bones (2007) author Cassandra Clare’s first book in The Mortal Instruments series: “I don’t want tea,” said Clary, with muffled force. “I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them.”

“Unfortunately,” said Hodge, “we’re all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it’s either tea or nothing.”

Snap! I gotta use that line somewhere. Oh, wait — I just did.

SpectralSPECTRAL (December 9, 2016 / Netflix)
“When an otherworldly force wreaks havoc on a war-torn European city, an engineer teams up with an elite Special Ops unit to stop it.”

Now there’s a grand idea — get a bunch of Army guys to shoot guns at ghosts. Why not just whip out your AK-47 and unleash hell on Mr. Bubble™?

Wait Till Helen Comes

WAIT TILL HELEN COMES (out now / Lifetime, January 2017 / VOD)
“The story centers on a 12-year-old girl who’s the eldest of three children in a blended family that moves from Baltimore into a house converted from a church in the Maryland countryside. The tormented ghost of a little girl comes to haunt the 12-year-old, but forms an intimate, though dangerous, friendship with her seven-year-old stepsister.”

Warning: as this is airing on the Lifetime™ channel, it’s a family-friendly, watered down tale of the supernatural. Too bad; a little blood and guts never hurt anybody. Oh wait…

Slasher.com

SLASHER.COM (2017)
Slasher.com combines the time-honored tradition of young people facing unfathomable horrors in the wilderness with the every day horror of meeting people online, and puts a gruesome twist on the perils of modern dating.”

Slasher social media horror. Maybe they should rename it DeFacebook.com. Heh.

Space Clowns, Werewolves, Giant Ants

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Killjoy's Psycho Circus

Too bad I can’t make photocopies of myself so I can watch all these new horror movies at the same time. I looked at some of those fancy pants 3D printers on eBay™, but I’m better off developing a split personality than shelling out mega fun coupons for those cool but financially out of reach machines.

KILLYJOY’S PSYCHO CIRCUS (out now)
Killjoy, the demon clown and his gruesome crew — Batty Boop, Punchy and Freakshow — have finally made it to Earth. Killjoy has settled in and is starring in his own web series called Psycho Circus. But two years down the road, Killjoy discovers that life here on Earth is a drag, filled with inconveniences such as eating, breathing, taxes, immigration and mortal sex.”

Psycho Circus

The pop rock ensemble KISS released an album called Psycho Circus back in 1998. Killyjoy (also wearing clown makeup) felt it was okay to steal the name for his movie. It is not. Nevertheless, this is the fourth sequel in a budget-restrained franchise, which began with Killjoy (2000), Killjoy 2: Deliverance from Evil (2002), Killjoy 3 (2010) and Killjoy Goes To Hell (2012). P.S. Killjoy is guilty of more intellectual property theft: the movie rips off its name from Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993). Also, they took their kicker line from the 1974 Emerson, Lake & Palmer album. I should be a lawyer.

Don't F#ck In The Woods

DON’T F#CK IN THE WOODS (out now)
“A group of friends are going on a camping trip to celebrate graduating college. But once they enter the woods, the proverbial sh*t hits the fan!”

Of all the things you shouldn’t do in the woods, sex isn’t one of ‘em. Unless you don’t want deer ticks crawling up your outgoing mail chute. While DFITW is currently available for your voyeuristic viewing pleasure, it also comes in an “extremely limited” big box VHS format (for $40). That’s pretty dang cool. Just don’t watch it in the woods while you’re having sex. Keep your eyes on the prize.

American Beast

AMERICAN BEAST (aka, Solitude, Beast of Prey / January 3, 2017)
“After his mother’s death, James Erikson discovers her old storage locker filled with journals and newspapers of his family’s history. As he researches it, he finds out about the evil that his family has tried to contain for several generations, beginning in 1939 on a mysterious piece of property in a small town called Solitude.”

Um, Superman might have issues with you calling your town Solitude when he’s been wiping “S” in the Fortress of Solitude since moving out of his step-parents’ house. Looks like someone’s a werewolf in American Beast, if you’re judging this movie by its cover. Too bad they went with the claw — it’s been used before. Several times in fact…

Outcast / Claws

It Came From The Desert

IT CAME FROM THE DESERT (2017)
It Came From The Desert is and independent sequel to legendary video game by Cinemaware™. The film is set to modern time, 60 years after the original game’s happenings.”

Giant ants in the desert. I liked it better when it was called Them! (1954)

Vampires, Mummies, Robots, Teenagers

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Underworld: Blood Wars

Some old faces, some new faces. Kinda like looking in a fun house mirror. (Man, I gotta get me one o’ those things. Then I’d be a god.)

UNDERWORLD BLOOD WARS (January 9, 2017)
Vampire death dealer Selene fends off brutal attacks from both the Lycan clan and the Vampire faction that betrayed her. With her only allies – David and his father Thomas — she must stop the eternal war between Lycans and Vampires, even if it means she has to make the ultimate sacrifice.”

Werewolves versus vampires swap spit on the battlefield one more time, although the press release hints that it’s the end of the line for the highly popular/successful Underworld franchise. Whenever I hear the words “ultimate sacrifice,” I think of that time I tried a tiny sip of wine at the urging of a friend’s wife. Barfed my guts out all over the place. Beer = cool. Wine = NOT COOL.

The Mummy

THE MUMMY (June 9, 2017)
“Thought safely entombed in a crypt deep beneath the unforgiving desert an ancient queen, whose destiny was unjustly taken from her, is awakened in our current day, bringing with her malevolence grown over millennia and terrors that defy human comprehension.”

Tom Cruise heads up this big budget re-remake. I like Tom – he rocked it in Edge of Tomorrow (2014) and Oblivion (2013), two of the better sci-fi movies in recent years. Heck, he’s even been smacking alien arse since 2005’s War of the Worlds. Tom will save us from the Mummy. I have no doubt.

#Screamers

#SCREAMERS (2017)
“When an Internet company decides to investigate a series of ‘Screamer’ videos, they are confronted with havoc and hell they could never expect.”

I’ve seen those #Screamer videos on YouTube™. Most of ‘em are just dumb teenagers doing dumb things. Sorry, I meant to say ALL teenagers are dumb.

Kill Command

KILL COMMAND (out now / VOD), December 27, 2016 / DVD)
“Set in a near future, technology-reliant society is creating killing machines. Against this backdrop an elite army unit is helicoptered in to a remote, off-the-grid island training facility, to test the capabilities of the latest prototypes. They set up positions and make short work of the AI targets in the killing field. However, overnight their sentry goes missing, and when they find the corpse the next day they find themselves in the killing field and the tables have turned. The Marines fight to survive on an island is overrun by an enemy intelligence far beyond their predecessors, which learns from their every move.”

Sounds like they borrowed a rejected script from The Terminator (1984). The tired plot of Kill Command might work better as a video game. Note to video game makers: I don’t play video games. A grand waste of time. I’d rather lay on the couch and enrich myself in the outer glow of TV’s nourishing content.

Insane Haunted Santa UFOs

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Secret Santa

Serial killershaunted housesUFOsinsane asylums. It’s like a horror snack platter. Still not seeing anything involving robot cheerleader werewolves. And if any of you big time Hollywood film producers are interested, I have a script. Plug ’n play, man. Just sayin’.

SECRET SANTA (December 13, 2016)
“A group of eccentric college kids struggle to get through the hectic exam period. A liquor-filled Christmas party is planned to ease the stress. They plan to toast the end of the semester with a Secret Santa exchange. Little do they know, a killer is in town and has a special present for all the girls and boys. Will they dare to open their presents?”

Santa as a serial killer. There’s a horror plot device older than Christmas itself. And as for “eccentric” college kids, there’s a better descriptive word: obnoxious arrogant over-privileged jerk wads. Yep, that’s one word.

Behind The Walls

BEHIND THE WALLS (2017)
“Years it has waited, now someone’s moved in. Through the eyes of the evil within we witness a broken family desperately seeking a new beginning in a new home. But this house lives, watches and wants them to stay — FOREVER.”

Of course the house wants them to stay forever — rent’s gotta be paid. I question this evil house’s sincerity, though; for instance, in The Legend of Hell House (1973) and The Amityville Horror (1979), the malevolence therein keep telling their tenants to get out. Admittedly, not a good business model if you’re an evil landlord.

Sam Was Here

SAM WAS HERE (2017)
“California, Mojave Desert, 1998. A strange glow appears in the sky. Sam, a forty-something door-to-door salesman, travels through the few inhabited zones of the Californian desert in search of clients, yet everything seems deserted. When his car breaks down, Sam becomes a prisoner of the empty, hostile environment. Alone and without human contact for days on end, he listens continuously to a talk-show on the only local radio station. The host, a man named Eddy, takes calls from listeners who share their thoughts on a child killer at large in the area.”

I bet the strange glow in the sky is a UFO. Everybody knows UFOs glow. Outside of that, I wonder what Sam sells? That’d be cool if he sold hot air balloons that light up so you could see ‘em, say, over the desert at night.

Eloise

ELOISE (January 5, 2017 (UK) / 2017 (US)
“Four friends break into an abandoned insane asylum in search of a death certificate which will grant one of them a large inheritance. However, finding it soon becomes the least of their worries in a place haunted by dark memories.”

Given how many abandoned insane asylums used in countless horror movies, you kinda wonder what made everybody leave? As they say in prison, three hots and a cot.