Archive for entity

Alien-Fearing Hicks, Upside Down Monsters, Sci-Fi Puppets

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Brave New Jersey

Recently cleaned out the fridge and am sad to report that all my “science experiments” were epic fails. (I thought egg salad, if left in a controlled climate environment for seven months, would turn to some sort of miracle lip balm and/or car polish, thereby making me wealthy rich.)

Crossing fingers that those potatoes I stored last year in the back of a lower cupboard that hurts my back to reach will have better results, as I really, really need to be wealthy rich.

Speaking of things that could go south, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi and fantasy movies that make or may not stink up most of your apartment building, prompting neighbors to call the police, thinking somebody died…

BRAVE NEW JERSEY (August 4, 2017)
“In 1938, the residents of a small town in New Jersey react in various forms of panic after listening to Orson Welles’ radio broadcast rendition of H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds.”

This one always cracks me up. People back then listening to the radio play of War of the Worlds thinkin’ it was a real alien invasion and crapping their suspendered farm pants sideways. Always loved Orson Wells’ TV interview later where he looked visibly shaken and dumbfounded that people took his radio show literally. When the cameras turned off, Wells probably went into the men’s room, sparked a fatty and laughed his ass off. As well he should have.

Stranger Things 2

STRANGER THINGS 2 (Oct. 27, 2017)
“It’s 1984 and the citizens of Hawkins, Indiana are still reeling from the horrors of the Demogorgon and the secrets of Hawkins Lab. Will Byers has been rescued from the Upside Down but a bigger, sinister entity still threatens those who survived.”

The first season of Stranger Things (2016) was a surprise mind-blower and became the left-field mega hit of the year. This means Stranger Things 2 — if they don’t screw it up — could be even bigger and should fulfill your daily recommended allowance of Demogorgons.

Ghastlies

GHASTLIES (November 11, 2017)
“Three sorority sisters plan an initiation for their nerdy friend during a weekend getaway. Things don’t go exactly as planned when they accidentally stumble upon a craft containing a trio of extraterrestrial ghastly ghouls. Armed with only their boyfriends and brains, they resolve to send these pint-sized gatecrashers back to the edge of the universe — or die trying.”

I like the “or die trying” part, though by telling us the sorority sisters are armed only with their boyfriends and brains, clearly they’re missing the bigger picture here. They have everything they need stuffed under their shirts to take down the aliens. Just ask their boyfriends.

Psychopaths

PSYCHOPATHS (2017/2018)
“Several psychopaths wreak havoc over the course of a violent evening.”

This one gets the most economic press release award of the year. Eleven words that sum up not only the movie, but last call at the Tug Inn or “tavern” (1.5 miles from where I’m currently busking for bit coins). Normally, I’d give that reference prop to The Poggie Tavern, but since they cleaned it up, it’s no longer a toxic, biological disaster dive bar. Still smells like cigarette smoke, though — from 10 years ago.

Shadow People, Fender Bender UFOs, Last Call Hags

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Awaken The Shadowman

Thinking about getting a painless tattoo. Up until now, the only needle I’ve felt the sting with is those annual anti-zombie virus shots I get as insurance. Nope, the canvas that is my remarkably soft skin is ink free. And yet, how cool would it be to get a tattoo of the Alien chest-burster on my back? I’d put it on my chest, but that’s what society would EXPECT. That’s a rule. I don’t do rules. Although, as a rule, I brush my teeth twice a day. So yeah, a bit hypocritical of me, but as I always say, be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.

Speaking of things that may or may not have bite, here are few more upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to sink your teeth into. Chew with your mouth closed, please. Not a rule, just common courtesy.

AWAKEN THE SHADOWMAN (July 21, 2017 (Limited); July 25, 2017 (VOD)
“After the mysterious disappearance of their mother, estranged brothers reunite and discover an unknown supernatural force.”

Is it Slenderman working on a new stand-up routine? Is it a prankster poltergeist looking to get you to involuntarily soil the sheets? (Which would be flippin’ hysterical.) Is it a half-transparent baby-sitter? Is it all of the above? I can only hope and pray by crossing my fingers really hard.

Landing Lake

LANDING LAKE (2017)
“When a technical team is sent to repair a communication station they quickly realize that something may be coming from the nearby lake that is affecting their minds. As they lose their inhibitions their most primal desires take hold. It seems that only one of the team is permitted to bond with the unseen entity and so be reborn in a new body. A terrifying game of strategy not to survive, but rather to die with the promise of life anew.”

This one’s already getting attention, but for the wrong reasons. One horror movie blog says it’s a prime candidate for the worse movie trailer of the year. Geez, don’t sugar coat it, guys. From what I was able to piece together is that a UFO crashed landed up at Crash Landing Lake (heh) a while back and no one came looking for it. I would’ve — and I’d sell it on Craigslist™ and become a billionaire. So yeah, probably alien gunk got into the lake and anyone skinny dipping in it is gonna have their cracked Liberty Bell infected by said space goo. This often ends in hilarious results.

Blue Book

BLUE BOOK (2017/History Channel)
Blue Book is a scripted UFO drama series chronicling the true top secret U.S. Air Force-sponsored investigations into UFO-related phenomena in the 1950s and ’60s, known as Project Blue Book. The series follows Dr. J. Allen Hynek, a brilliant college professor recruited by the U.S. Air Force to spearhead this clandestine operation that researched thousands of cases, many of which were never solved. Each episode will draw from the actual files, blending UFO theories with authentic historical events from one of the most mysterious eras in United States history.”

UFOs seem to be getting a bump up these days, what with the ongoing success of Ancient Aliens. So it makes sense do a spin-off series about all those TRUE stories of saucers and the unearthly pilots that fly and sometimes run ‘em into New Mexico dirt. Wonder if aliens are have to carry saucer insurance? If so, what are the rates? Hopefully Blue Book will fill in these blanks

Slumber

SLUMBER (2017)
“Alice, a rationally minded sleep doctor, is forced to abandon scientific reason and accept a family is being terrorized by a parasitic demon which has existed in every human culture since records began. Paralyzing victims as they sleep, the ‘Night Hag’ is the original Nightmare.”

Night Hag — that’s what we refer to the last call gals at The Poggie Tavern. And I wouldn’t put it past ‘em to mess with you while you’re trying to deal with hangover paralysis. FYI: keep your wallet in your front pocket.

Inner Demons, Outer Ghosts, Rock Gods

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Demon Inside

Quite happy to see riveting TV series The Exorcist and Gotham getting renewed second and fourth seasons respectively. Still hoping the SyFy Channel™ continues with Channel Zero. That one was quite couch gluer. This comes amid news that TV stations are canceling shows left and right. Why don’t you just cut off my blood supply, you numbers-crunching douchebags?

While we wait to see who else makes the chopping block, here’s a few just-released and upcoming horror movies to take your mind off the cancellation of Emerald City after one season instead of YET ANOTHER season of the weak Fear of the Walking Dead, which has been a mixed laundry load mess from episode one..

THE DEMON INSIDE (available now/VOD)
“Years after his release from jail, Sam Parsons is trying to build his life with his wife Courtney and their young daughter Harper. He works hard to provide for his family and afford their beautiful home in their quiet suburban neighborhood. When supernatural occurrences start to happen in the house, Sam fears for the safety of his wife and daughter. When the occurrences turn into attacks, Sam hires Corbin Carlysle and his reality TV show ghost hunting team known as ‘The Ghost Killers’ to help him battle the dark entity that’s lurking in the shadows of his home. To win this fight Sam must battle his own inner demons and revert back to his violent past. In order to save the ones he loves, a Demon must face a Demon.”

Inner demon versus outer demon. That’s like trying to suppress a fart in church as opposed to someone sitting next to you in said holy structure just falling shy of crapping his/her pants. (Guess that’s why they call ‘em “pews.”) Probably a her, though. Lady flatulence may be perfume fragrant, but dang are they funny.

THE LOST CASE (available now/VOD)
The Lost Case is a found footage horror film based on a popular television show, Ghost Doctor TV. With a first-person perspective, the audience gets to see the story first-hand through the eyes of the show production crews, Itt and Por.”

Only a ghost hunting team would be made up of people with names like Itt” and “Por.” Can’t get real jobs with names like that, not even at Kinkos™, who will hire street kids with pink hair. They should’ve stuck with Ghost Doctor TV as the title, though. A proctology exam conducted by a medically-trained poltergeist would be a LOT less invasive.

Killswitch

KILLSWITCH (available now/VOD)
“A military experiment to harness unlimited energy goes horribly awry, leaving a pilot with no choice but to fight through an imploding world to save his family and the planet itself.”

Don’t let the bland press release fool you. This one looks to be a real earth-burner, what with the world exploding/imploding (same thing) and such. Glad I don’t live there,

Griffin's Ghost

GRIFFIN’S GHOST (2017)
Griffin Kidder is a career New Yorker with a strong yearning to be a mother. Ready to start a peaceful life outside the city, Griffin and her construction-savvy husband purchase a dilapidated house to renovate, only to discover the suburban home already has residents: a scarred family of apparitions.”

Hide And Seek

Serviceable if not stock ghost story. However, I do take issue with the key art, which looks a heckuva lot like 2005’s Hide And Seek. I swear, sometimes I have the associative recognizance of a beaver or community college educated lemur.

A Beginner's Guide To Snuff

A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO SNUFF (June 16, 2017)
“Two brothers kidnap an actress, torture her, and make her think she is going to die.”

The trailer is hilarious, which makes me think this is a family comedy with swear words. It also echoes 2008’s British horror comedy The Cottage, with the stunningly multi attractive Jennifer Ellison turning the tables on her dumbass captors. Say what you will about supermodels — when cornered, they can really kick some arse.

Chris Cornell

Evil, Space Stuff, Spider-Man

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Spider-Man, Alien

Is it just me or does Spider-Man look like the inspiration for grey aliens or the other way around? These are the things I think about. All the time.

Here are some upcoming new horror/sci-fi movies for you to think about…

Galaxy of Horrors

GALAXY OF HORRORS (March 7, 2017)
“Trapped in a damaged cryogenic pod, a man is forced to watch a series of horrific science-fiction tales while his life support systems run out. Featuring intense stories of the unknown and otherworldly, equally wonderful and terrifying.”

Change cryogenic pod to couch and this could be me. Also smells like a winked homage to the punk rock sci-fi classic A Clockwork Orange (1971), wherein after a hyper violent crime spree, a gang leader is apprehended and is subject to “attempted rehabilitation via controversial psychological conditioning.” It’s the Republican way.

Bethany

BETHANY (April 7, 2017 / VOD / Limited)
“A young woman named Claire moves back to her childhood home only to be haunted by her imaginary friend from when she was a child.”

I never had an imaginary friend. I had imaginary parents, though. I can’t move back to my childhood home, either. I think someone’s been living there since I got kicked out, uh, moved away.

MALICIOUS (2017)
“When a young college professor Adam and his pregnant wife Lisa suffer a traumatic event, they find themselves haunted — and connected — to a malicious entity. It is only when Adam calls upon Dr. Clark, a professor of parapsychology at the university, that the true horror of what they have encountered becomes clear.”

The key art hints that some sort of evilness either is responsible for the pregnancy or wants the kid once its plopped out. Note to evilness: no matter how the paternity suit fits, you’re looking at 18 years of child support.

Without Name WITHOUT NAME (2017)
“There’s something bizarre and nightmarish waiting in the woods, and its sights are set on Eric, a land surveyor who’s tasked with assessing the woodland area in question just as his marriage is about to crumble. Stressed out by his fractured home life, Eric is tragically susceptible to the woods’ powerful ability to enter the emotionally wounded man’s mind and wreak both physical and mental havoc on him.”

Sounds to me like the “bizarre and nightmarish something” and the guy’s soon-to-be-ex are the same thing. Or it could be a meth-crazed chipmunk. On the fence as to which. Or maybe the woods with its powerful ability to wreak physical and mental havoc is a metaphor for an alcohol-fortified bender in the bushes to celebrate being able to turn on the “open for business” sign again.

Midget Monsters, Nazi Zombies, Cleaning Toilets

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Creeps - Deformed Monsters

You ever see the 2007 Spanish horror hit [REC]? That one had a few humans trapped inside an apartment building loaded with slobbering, flesh-chowing zombies. I feel like I live in that same building as I can hear my highly annoying neighbors chew dinner with their loud mouths open. Wonder if they’re eating flesh? That’s what it smells like as anytime anyone cooks something, it stinks up the entire building. Think I’ll fight fire with fire and fry up some raw tuna and eggplant.

Here’s some upcoming horror movies that hopefully won’t stink…

THE CREEPS – DEFORMED MONSTERS (February 21, 2017/Blu-ray)
“Undersized, undead and angry. Dracula. Frankenstein. The Werewolf. The Mummy. In an experiment of the maddest kind of science, these four classic monsters of film and literature are brought back to life…but something goes wrong. Though they look and act exactly as they you’d think they’d look, the creepy quartet emerge as half their normal size. Now, they’re three feet tall…and not happy at all.”

Can’t blame ‘em for being unhappy. At three feet tall, that puts your face at everyone’s butt level. This would be especially demoralizing if they worked at a bean factory. The Creeps actually came out in 1997, but this is the first time on 2D HD 1080p. That’s just scientific jibber jabber, but some people with hi-tech minds will find that to be of significance. I’m gonna go back to braiding my hair and contemplating puffy clouds.

Besetment

BESETMENT (2017)
“A young woman takes a hotel position in a small town in Oregon. It’s a creepy, back country kind of town, but owners Mildred Colvin and her son seem nice. It’s not long before she discovers their real intentions and her struggle to make a living becomes a nightmarish fight for her life.”

A “nightmarish fight for her life.” Sounds like she has to clean toilets.

Trench 11

TRENCH 11 (2017/2018)
“In the final days of WWI a shell-shocked tunneler must lead an Allied team into a hidden German base 100 hundred feet below the trenches. The Germans have lost control of a highly contagious biological weapon that turns its victims into deranged killers. The Allies find themselves trapped underground with hordes of the infected, a rapidly spreading disease and a team of German Stormtroopers dispatched to clean up the mess. The only thing more terrifying than the Western Front is what lies beneath it…”

Two things come to mind: First, this sounds like a video game. Secondly, is this not a spin on Resident Evil (2002)? That one was based on a video game as well. I don’t play video games. It requires too much hand/eye coordination. I can barely put on my movie pants without falling over.

The Black Room

THE BLACK ROOM (May 9, 2017/VOD)
“A supernatural tale where evil takes on a sexy side. A married couple moving into their new home is faced with an entity that feeds off lust and desire, corrupting and/or killing everyone in its path as it plots a horrifying plan to destroy the world.”

Surprised that the entity is feeding off lust and desire from the married couple. Everyone knows that goes down the drain after the honeymoon fever wears off. I’m betting, however, this movie will depict boobies in all their paired gloriousness.

Healthy Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 6, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beware The Slender Man

Drugs and horror movies are similar in that they’re both addictive. But drugs taken out of moderation can wreck your life and/or face, whereas horror movies are nutritious and watching them makes you a better — and healthier — person. That should be a goal for 2017 — to become a horror movie addicted, better and healthier YOU.

I should be a life coach. I don’t know about you, but here’s how I plan on staying healthy this year…

BEWARE THE SLENDER MAN (January 23, 2017/HBO)
Slender Man is a fictitious, abnormally tall, faceless man with long arms who stalks and abducts children. In 2014, he inspired real-life horror as two 12-year-old girls in Wisconsin lured a friend into the woods and stabbed her 19 times in an effort to “appease” the fictional entity.”

2017 might very well be the year of Slender Man, with this and another movie slated for release before the spring. If he catches on you might see some cool cross marketing, like Slender Man Weight Loss programs, where you don’t just cut calories, you kill them. Heh.

The Girl With All The Gifts

THE GIRL WITH ALL THE GIFTS (January 26, 2017/DirecTV; February 24, 2017/VOD limited)
“The near future — humanity has been all but destroyed by a mutated fungal disease that eradicates free will and turns its victims into flesh-eating “hungries.” Only a small group of children seem immune to its effects.”

Pffft — the “mutated fungal disease that eradicates free will” has been around for years. It’s called “television.”

Personal Shopper

PERSONAL SHOPPER (March 10, 2017)
Kristen Stewart stars as a high-fashion personal shopper to the stars who is also a spiritual medium. Grieving the recent death of her twin brother, she haunts his home, determined to make contact with him.”

I wish I had a personal shopper/spiritual medium. It’d be neat to have someone go to the Piggly Wiggly Superstore™ and buy me some new britches and then divine whether or not people will like them. Could save a lot of emotional grief if you ask me.

Bedeviled

BEDEVILED (2017)
“Alice and her friends are teens like any other — social and tethered to their devices. When they download the latest Siri-like app offering quick solutions to life’s quotidian, the friends soon discover the app offers much more than directions and places to eat. So much more. The app probes the teens’ deepest fears, manifesting these fears in the real world in a diabolical quest to terrorize its unwitting users to death.”

Quotidian? Only a few days into the new year and that is easily the most pretentious word display in a horror movie press release for 2017. (Quotidian means “ordinary or everyday, especially when mundane,” which seems to apply to Bedeviled’s plot.)

War Inside My Head

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pod

Saw the trailer for Pod (2015), a new sci-fi dealie. Interesting, but it doesn’t quite tell you what the movie is about. Luckily I can cheat and cut ‘n paste the synopsis…

“After receiving a troubling voice-mail, estranged siblings Ed and Lyla travel to their isolated family lake house in Maine to hold an intervention on their increasingly paranoid, war veteran brother, Martin. But the situation rapidly spirals out of control when they discover the house completely ransacked and learn that Martin has constructed an elaborate and horrifying conspiracy theory surrounding a sinister entity that he believes he has trapped in the basement.”

And therein lies the possible swerve – they tell us Martin is an “increasingly paranoid, war veteran” who “believes” he has a sinister entity trapped in the basement, probably next to an old lawnmower, some jars of once-edible gunk and an old fridge that doesn’t have any beer in it. This means it could all be in his hurt-y head.

Pod

War-induced schizophrenia is quite unfortunate for many and more sinister than any entity. (That is, unless you hang out at the Poggie Tavern in West Seattle during last call. You want entities? They should put ‘em on the menu.) But what if the entity is a for real extraterrestrial? The movie poster certainly hints at an otherworldly creature.

Guess we’ll just have to wait until August 28, 2015 when Pod comes out. In the meantime, I’ll do my time-killing at the Poggie. I just won’t go in their basement.