Archive for February, 2012

Mae Nak: Thailand Ghost Turns 22

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , on February 29, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mae Nak 3DYou think our country overdoes it with reboots, remakes, and re-hashings…move to Thailand where Mae Nak, the country’s famous ghost story (she’s kinda like a third world Casper), has been re-told 21 times. Mae Nak must be pretty darn spooky to maintain that kind of a franchise because just released in Thailand (February 23, 2012) is the 22nd version, this one called Mae Nak 3D. By adding “3D” to the title means they can milk this cow one more time.

Mae Nak 3DIn the latest udder yank, the spirit-bound Mae Nak croaks during child birth, but comes back to live with her hubbie in 3D as a (wait for it)…GHOST! And here’s the mind-boggling twist – he doesn’t know she died! Apparently, he was away fighting a war at the time. That, or drinking with the boys down at the corner bar.

Mae Nak 3DAfter 22 times, Mae Nak (rated PG) may or may not have the ghost power needed to scare up box office dollars. I’ve watched a few of ’em and while they’re stylish in a foreign country sort of way, the chills have little in the way of thrills.

Mae Nak 3DTake 2005’s The Ghost of Mae Nak, for instance. What started out as yet another “Romeo and Juliet coming back from the dead to scare the romance out of you” plot device, actually had a few rewind-able moments. But since I put as much value on romance as I do defrosting the fridge, this one goes in the “meh” file.

The Ghost of Mae NakYoung newlyweds Mak and Nak are stupid sick in love. Problem is, Mak is having nightmares of an oily-haired female ghost named Mae Nak with an oval hole in her forehead. Her long-lost lover of 100 years ago is named Mak. See where this is going? The ghost wants her lover back and is interviewing Mak for the job via bad dreams, dark stuff coming out of her mouth and a Monk-conducted exorcism. Nak is carrying around a brooch made from a chunk of Mae Nak skull, a gift from an unknowing Mak. Guess who wants it back to complete her face?

All in all, lightweight stuff when combined with all that “our love is forever” crap. Mak and Nak look so squeaky clean they could be on bottles of Ayutthaya Skin Cream™. And I bet you anything they name their first kid Clackety-Clak. I would. Still, The Ghost of Mae Nak is intermittently enjoyable – even if you don’t have a chunk of forehead skull missing (metaphorical or not).

Cannibal Diner

Posted in Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , on February 28, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cannibal DinerWouldn’t it be totally funny if you went to a diner run by cannibals, opened the menu, and saw yourself listed in Entrees? Man, that’d be a knee-slapper. More so if you saw that your braised butt beef is being served with a baked potato, a small dinner salad and seasonal vegetables. Everybody knows butt beef is traditionally served with sweet potato fries and a fruit compote. Man, I’m still chuckling.

Did you know there’s a real Cannibal Diner? Yep, it’s a German horror movie releasing in the Motherland soon, and then the rest of the world at the end of 2012. Or beginning of 2013. It’s gotta get past Standards and Practices first. And given the subject matter, the FDA as well. Heh.

Cannibal DinerIn Cannibal Diner a bunch of chick supermodels go into the woods to party and are attacked by cannibals, who take them to an old factory where they will be eaten. Is that even a plot?

Blood DinerIf that sounds like a short joke, might I suggest Blood Diner (1987), an alternate choice cannibal movie with a little more to chew on. Two brothers own a rundown restaurant. They need a special dish to get customers rolling in, so they kill an assortment of young women to use their fleshy parts as the main ingredient in the hot plate of the day. That, and they need blood sacrifices to awaken a dormant Egyptian goddess. Two for one.

Still not flavorful enough for you? Then go to The Encyclopedia of Cannibal Movies [click HERE]; If you can’t find a cannibal flick to suit your taste, then you have no taste at all. Vegan.

Animals Like To Eat You

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , on February 27, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rise of the AnimalsOf all the animals in the woods that could eat your neck clean off, you wouldn’t expect the Disney-esque dear to chew throw layers of insulated outerwear to get to the delicious throat meat inside. And yet, that’s what happens in the new indie horror comedy, Rise of the Animals.

A pizza delivery driver named Wolf crashes an all girl slumber party in a cabin way out in the woods. There are three things wrong with that sentence. But because this is an independent film, anything goes and Wolf scores some quality mattress time with one of the festive ladies. Before he can chew his arm off to leave before she wakes up, she’s already bailed. (All male readers may make an audible sigh of relief.) But the gal gets her own arm chewed off – as well as her face – by a mad dog deer.

Rise of the AnimalsThen then deer and its friends crash the party and turn everyone into people vennison. Finding her cell phone and thinking his insta-girlfriend is still alive, Wolf has no choice but to travel cross country to find her. And to return her phone. (I know what you’re thinking – pizza delivery guys aren’t known for their high IQs.) What he finds is a world gone wild with dogs, birds and chipmunks going medieval on human asses.

What do you have to say now, PETA?

Day of the AnimalsThis isn’t the first time animals have been face-rippingly pissed at humans. In Day of the Animals, a 1977 nature-gone-wild feel good flick, campers and hikers and those who just go into the Northern California woods to have a personal moment, are systematically attacked and torn into kibble and bits by mountain lions, bears and household pets. Can’t blame the indigenous wild life to be so mad; wouldn’t you be visibly peeved if someone came into your hood and made butt bears? (You know what that means – I’m trying to keep it clean here, people.)

Day of the Animals

So what made the animals petition for their own day? It was the waning ozone that converted sunlight into ultraviolet/ultra violent solar radiation, which turned normally friendly and playful grizzly bears into mouth-foaming eaters of flesh. Stupid sun.

Despite its budgetary limitations, Rise of the Animals looks like a lot of splattery animal-y good fun. I just hope they don’t portray fuzzy bunny rabbits as murderous blood beasts. That would just kill me. And then the bunnies would kill me. Not cool.

The Horror of Children

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror with tags , , on February 26, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Childish GamesLittle kids in horror movies creep me the hell out. It all started with that Damien devil kid in The Omen (1979). Hardly any lines, but every time he stared someone down and that music in the key of D(amnation) came on, it gooned me out hard. Gave me the willies, he did.

Since then I’ve had the displeasure of testing my shaky bladder to the likes of those little Aryan race telepath kids with glowing eyeballs from Village of the Damned (1960), the way creepy ghost girl twins in The Shining (1979), and the rotted poltergeist boy from The Devil’s Backbone (2001), with a hole in his head and blood leaking out of it – upwards. There have been more, but that’s all my tract can take right now.

Childish GamesThere’s a new hair-raising kid on the block in the Spanish horror thriller Childish Games (due out March 9, 2012). As first reported by DreadCentral.com, Daniel and his wife (who shows her boobs and everything) assume foster parenthood of a seven year-old girl whose dad – a friend of Daniel – just committed suicide. There goes getting a pony for Christmas.

Childish GamesBut this isn’t a normal little girl with a stare that could stain fabric. Just her presence causes everyone to remember things best left unremembered. And she keeps saying stuff like “I know who you are” and “You know who I am.” That goons me out. Why can’t they talk like other non-spooky brats their own age with phrases like “totally rad,” “up yours, hippie,” and the time honored “Mom – Jeff’s peeing off the sun deck again!”

Childish GamesSo the little girl knows a dark secret. You can figure it out from the trailer, though. It’s totally rad. When you watch Childish Games just make sure you have a bathroom – or sun deck – nearby.

Night of the Living Sushi

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , on February 25, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead SushiSushi is raw fish meat served on vinegared rice (smells like a feminine hygiene product) and wasabi (neck-melting green paste). Sashimi is sliced raw fish without the bling. Dating as far back as 1893, sushi, which translates to “sour-tasting,” is eaten by a million billion people on a daily basis. No one knows who the first brave and apparently starving to death soul was to stick a raw fish in their mouth, but my exhaustive research points directly to Sméagol, that little f’d up homeless dude in Lord of the Rings (2001).

GollumSo how come it’s taken so long for filmmakers to exploit one of the most popular forms of food ever not made in a deep fryer? Thankfully, that day has come. Dead Sushi, a Japanese zombie food film, is headed for a dinner plate near you sometime in 2012.

As first reported by BeyondHollywood.com, in Dead Sushi, those little delicious chunks of fish come to life and become carnivorous, eating your tongue, tastebuds and ultimately your face. Unsuspecting people walk into sushi restaurants, or “bait shops,” stick some himachi in their yap, and the next thing you know, you’re bleeding out of your primary orifice and you become a sushi zombie. I don’t exactly know what a sushi zombie is, but it’s gotta be awesome.

Dead SushiAnd because the subject matter needs a light touch, Dead Sushi is being served by Noboru Iguchi, the chef behind such hyper-violent and crazy hypnagogic (sorry – thesaurus.com) The Machine Girl (2008), Robo-Geisha (2009) and Karate-Robo Zaborgar (2011). It’s important to note that Zaborgar is part karate expert, part motorcycle and all robot. That is so awesome.

Dead SushiFor as long as humankind has been biting food, it’s about time food bit back. So I’m hungry to see Dead Sushi. And hey, you get to see two pieces of sushi having sex. When was the last time… Never mind.

Dead SushiThere are over 100 varieties of sushi, only half of which smell like your ex. That said, Jaws is the ultimate sushi, followed by Aqua Mothra, Whalesaurus, Carnivi-Mermaid and, of course, the Loch Ness Monster (the one that snacks on people, not the ham that’s always posing for blurry pictures). And they’ll swallow you with rice and wasabi or ala cart. The best part – they all play with their food before they eat it.

Axe Murdering – A Dying Genre

Posted in Classic Horror, Slashers with tags , on February 24, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Madison CountyIf you were out in the woods hunting the elusive pine cone, playing squirrel toss or just looking for a place to get away from zombies, and saw a guy with a raw pig head and a bloody axe headed in your general direction, would you not crap your pants sideways? At least with your shorts brimming with fear solids, bears and chupacabras would stay the hell away from you.

Madison CountyDamien Ewell is the pig-headed axe murderer featured in the new horror slasher movie, Madison County. (Disclaimer: The similarly-titled romantic chick flick The Bridges of Madison County/1995 does not have an axe murderer in it, another reason why that movie licked bag.)

Madison County is a remote mountain town where grisly murders were commonplace twenty years ago. A gaggle of college twerps go to Madison to interview an author of a book that detailed this tourism-killing killing spree. And here’s where the horror begins: the author is nowhere to be found! My tummy is starting to knot up. Then the citizens of Madison County categorically deny that Damien Ewell, the notorious murderer, ever existed and that the murders never happened. I almost can’t go on.

Madison CountySo as the college twerps put on their Scooby Doo™ C.S.I. hats and dig for answers, they discover the townsfolk were LYING to them and that Damien is quite real. (There’s the real horror – people shouldn’t lie. It’s just not right.)

Madison County hits the DVD shelves on May 8, 2012. Hopefully it’ll have some graphic axe murdering to distract you from all that stomach-turning LYING.

Animals: Zombies From Down Under

Posted in Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , on February 23, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

AnimalsWant YET ANOTHER zombie movie? Of course you do. Animals, an upcoming undead flick, comes from Australia Town, and is a metaphor as opposed to four-legged flesh-eaters eating your legs off. (Too bad – I like zombie doggies.) Animals also a mix of love, sacrifice, a global pandemic, and zombies biting your face/legs off.

AnimalsAfter the pandemic, a guy in love discovers his soulmate/pillow partner, someone he hasn’t seen in two years (yeesh, is this guy whipped our what?), goes deep into the Red Zone in a massive reserve to rescue her. (The Red Zone is a lot like the Blue Zone, except redder and less bluer.) In that quarantined crimson parameter is a laboratory bailed on when the plague hit the fan. And here’s where things go off the track – lovestruck dumbass must confront the demons of his past to survive all this maladies malarkey. (My demons are unpaid bar tabs. While we’re on the subject, I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a malt liquor today.)

AnimalsAccording to the movie’s website, the quarantine zones are divided by a huge wall running a bunch of kilometers (or “miles”) horizon to horizon. That’s a lot of bricks. Pink Floyd should write a song about that. Anyone infected has to sit it out for two freakin’ years on one side, while all the cool people hang out, drink medicine and eat medium rare Roo sandwiches on the other side. To give it all some fun factor, there are tunnels, smuggling rat runners and love as it can be applied to tunnels and rat runners.

AnimalsWith a title like Animals, I pretty much expected the movie to be about putrified puppies and maybe fuzzy undead cats. When you think about it, there’s not much difference between regular animals and zombie animals – both will bite your face off, crap on the lawn, and chase the paperboy and chew his legs off, gnawing for hours afterward on the sinewy flavor.

I have got to lay off the malt liquor.