Undead Ale, God Powers, Drug Bugs

Just when you think drinking couldn’t get any more fun, Zombeer™, brewed in Russia, is bottled with uniquely clever packaging: a three-layered sticker label that, when scratched, creates a whole new design with alternate zombies. As the sales sheet instructs, “Tear your human casing apart leave human worries behind and become a zombie.” Awesomely awesome. But if I’m drinking beer, that means I already left my human worries behind.

From brewery’s press release: “Zombeer™ is brewed by small Moscow brewery Solod™ in the Belgian style and has a high density and strength. Enjoy a complex taste of malt sweetness with a hint of caramel, chocolate and dried fruits. Fermented in a bottle.” The irony here is, when you drink beer, YOU become fermented.

While I wait for a case of it to be shipped to me (only set me back 34376.07 Rubles), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you feel like scratching your face off…

ISLAND / Out now (Amazon Prime™)

“Evil took its first step to destroy the world. On the mysterious Jeju Island, the gateway to this, Van is a mix of human and monster. Won Mi-ho is the center of fate. And Johan is exercises God’s power. The all come together in this strange, yet captivating, action-packed exorcism fantasy, in which they fight evil, sharing the fate of saving the world — and to defy their own.”

Hard top pick which super power I’d want. Since I’m already a mix tape of human and monster, it’d be cool to be the center of fate, if only to wield as a bar trick. Having God’s power means you get to live in the sky and make people give you money in order to worship you. And you wouldn’t even need a Stargate to get around town. I’ll go with that one.  

BIRDEMIC 3: SEA EAGLE / January 24, 2023 (VOD)

“When global warming triggers chaos along the Northern California coast, two scientific researchers will discover tender romance, appalling CGI, automatic weapons, and attacks by sea eagles that could lead to the extinction of life on Earth.”

There is no place for romance in a world under attack by sea eagles using their beaks of doom to cause global extinction. Quit being love birds and let the grisly gulls bestow an epic party fowl on humanity.

WOMAN OF THE PHOTOGRAPHS / February 7, 2023 (VOD)

“Kai, a solitary and skilled digital photographer, begins a twisted romance with a model suffering from body dysmorphia and obsessed with appearing perfect in her photos.”

Dysmorphia is defined as having mental disorder characterized by the “obsessive idea that some aspect of one’s own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it.” No wonder women buy so much makeup.

SWALLOWED / February 14, 2023 (VOD)

“After a drug run goes bad, two friends must survive a nightmarish ordeal of drugs, bugs and horrific intimacy in this backwoods body-horror thriller.”

Just say no to bugs.

Vampire Bridgework, Death Cloud, Zombie Block Party

“Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you,” goes the saying. And nowhere is that more true than with vampires and werewolves. Their trademark chompers are the tools of their trade, so it makes sense to keep them well-maintained. A bit easier to do for walruses, though — with their teeth outside their mouth, it makes brushing ’em way easier.

But if you’re not a vampire, werewolf or walrus, go to VampFangs.com and pick up a set of snap-on snappers that never need brushing or flossing. Unless you bite into a gristly neck/buttsteak. No tooth doctor needed as these things are easily attached and come in a wide range of carnassials to accommodate your particular death grin. VampFang offers everything from classic vampire to professional werewolf, as well as retractable, chrome metallic and glow in the dark versions. (Not recommended for the creature of the night trying to be stealthy.) And these monster molars are totally affordable, ranging in price from $17.99 to $39.99.

While we cancel our dentist appointment and get some of these deadly dentures, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not bite… 

CANNIBAL COMEDIAN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A psychopathic cannibal, fed up with his lack of ambition, tries his hand at stand-up comedy in an attempt to satisfy his appetite for normalcy.”

Fed up. Interesting choice of words. So where would a cannibal comedian perform? A logical guess would be a dinner club. Heh.

ALIEN STORM / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Frank McConnelly is a loving father and husband, a brilliant business man, and a secret doomsday prepper. To celebrate taking his company public, Frank is putting on the party of the year in his Las Vegas mansion. During the party The President of the United States gives an address warning people to stay inside due to a strange weather pattern that is cutting off communications with major cities across the globe. Suddenly the power goes out as a massive fog bank moves in. In the ensuing chaos Frank escorts people down to safety of his bunker. Everyone is surprised to see the bunker is actually an underground house complete with a yard and a pool. But, In the thick fog something is stirring. Something that hungers. Will the bunker protect them or will they be the next meal?”

I have an underground pool, too. It’s called a leaky basement. FYI: No diving board OR lifeguard on duty. Also, the water is brown. Think of it as swimming in chocolate milk.

CORA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Cora is working for an organization trying to reverse the effects of the apocalypse after a deadly mist has covered Earth, effectively wiping out most of humanity.”

Back in my roommate days, we called this deadly mist a “sh*t fog,” wherein one rent-splitter goes in the bathroom after a Jalisco’s Mexican Fiesta Platter™ meal to do a bit of “recycling.” At that point said person turns on the shower to get the bathroom fog-thick steamy. Then said person opens the bathroom door and all the permeated steam spreads throughout the dwelling, sticking to the curtains, rug, bedding, clothing and nostrils. Goodbye humanity. And goodbye roommate.

STATE OF DESOLATION release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a viral outbreak turns into a full-scale zombie pandemic, two mismatched survivors — Freddie, a war-weary retired special forces operative and Claire Davis, a young pampered suburbanite — begin a long trek to reach the perimeter of the hundred mile quarantine zone that used to be Los Angeles. Along the way the two very different people form a powerful bond, which will be put to the test as they try to survive marauding cannibals, doomsday cults, and hordes of the undead.”

Zombies…cannibals…doomsday cults. Sounds like a block party, or as we call it in my neighborhood, casual Friday.

Gore-geous Plaything, Zombie Therapist, Evil Goats

Elvira, the legendary Mistress of the Dark, is a living doll. Now, thank to Mattel™, she’s a plastic one, too. As part of Mattel’s™ Monster High collection, which includes The Shining, Stephen King’s IT, Beetlejuice, and Gremlins 2, the Elvira Skullector Doll releases on January 13, 2023 and sells for a mere $65.00. You should drop everything (unless you’re holding a glass bowl full of beer and/or cereal) and buy it here. 

From Mattel’s™ website: “The Mistress of the Dark wears a ghoulishly glam gown with a peekaboo slit and screamium details like spooky spider stilettos, her signature dagger, and Great-Aunt Morgana’s magic ruby ring. Additional highlights include her iconic pitch black, stylized hair, while her eyes mesmerize with delicate spider-webbing in her irises. Dramatic makeup, a beauty mark and black painted nails add drop-dead gore-geous detail to her killer look. Comes included with displayable packaging and a black Monster High™ doll stand.”

While we inquire as to whether the Elvira Skullector Doll comes in adult size — and possible inflatable — here are a few out now/up and coming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as exhilarating as Elvira’s trademark(s)…

THE ZOMPOCALYPSE THERAPY SESSIONS / Out now (VOD)

“An anxious therapist and her awkward clients wrestle to overcome personal issues and zombies.”

A better premise would be zombies who seek professional therapy for self-esteem issues, like why do people keep trying to shoot me in the head and/or running away screaming? Embarking on a journey of personal improvement with all that negativity in your un-life is a challenge no one should ever have to face. 

CANNIBAL CABIN Out now (VOD)

“A group of 20 somethings want to end the summer on a high, they take the advice from a girl they met at a festival about a secret rave deep in the valleys. When their route is detoured they have no choice but to venture into the unknown. Once they come across a derelict aqua park, they soon realize what they thought was their salvation turns out to be the heart of the Cannibal’s lair.”

The problem with consuming 20 somethings is that while they look appetizing, they taste bland. Kinda like eating the cheese-stained box a pizza comes in. 

KILL HER GOATS / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

Audra’s graduation gift is her dream house, but it soon becomes a living nightmare when some uninvited guests come to her homecoming party who aren’t very subtle about the fact they don’t approve of the home’s new owner.”

Audra got a dream house AND goats for a graduation gift? All I got was a one-way bus ticket to another state.

WALPURGIS NIGHT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A wealthy couple, Imre and Justine, are visiting the deep forests of Romania and find themselves at the mercy of Waldemar Daninsky, a werewolf. Waldemar and Justine must travel to London to seek the help from Dr. Jekyll’s grandson.”

I wouldn’t trust any advice from Dr. Jekyll’s grandkid — I hear he’s as two-faced as his grandfather.

Beastly Beers, Wicked Wind, Dating Vampires

The horror of beer is running out…or not having any at all. (I get the shakes just thinking about it.) But there are horror-themed beers that, if you drink ‘em all, you’d still have a cool can as a keepsake. So where do you obtain such canned and/or bottled delights? Here’s a few horror beers to make up for not having enough horror —or beer — in your world…

BATSQUATCH – ROGUE ALES (NEWPORT, OR)

Description: “A hazy IPA with balanced blends of El Dorado and Belma hops, imperial juice yeast and sweet, outdoorsy aroma. 6.7% ABV.” Note: Pairs nicely with thirst.

TROLL DESTROYER – 18TH STREET BREWERY (HAMMOND, IN)

Description: “A Belgian IPA with a sweet, citrus aroma up front, and a heavy El Dorado hop flavor. 8.5% ABV.” Pairs nicely with life.

BRAIN BELT ZOMBIE PUB CRAWL – AUGUST SCHELL BREWING COMPANY (NEW ULM, MN)

Description: “An American Lager. 4.9% ABV.” Pairs nicely with human flesh.

More to add to your bar tab wish list: Draculager (Woodland Empire/ Boise, ID), Creepshow (Warped Wing Brewing Co./Dayton, OH), and I-P-Alien (Odd13 Brewery/Lafayette, CO). All of these pair nicely with your brain cells.

While you road trip it every one of those states to drown yourself in the local flavors, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not had a budget more than your bar tab…

MINACIOUS / Out now (VOD)

“A customer service agent working from home is terrorized by a dissatisfied psychopathic caller.”

Try as you may, you just can’t please a psycho, no matter how many times you apologize for forgetting a birthday/anniversary/Christmas/leaving the lid up.

FIRENADO / January 3, 2023 (VOD)

“Four scientists uncover a ground-breaking technology capable of controlling weather. On the first use of the device, it malfunctions and creates a fire tornado. As the Firenado leaves a wake of destruction, the group assist in evacuating nearby residents but stumble upon into an organized crime home invasion. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, the group struggle to survive the two threats.”

Pffft — The X-Men’s Storm has been controlling weather since 1975. And she didn’t have to go to scientist school to learn how to do it, either. Natural skillz, b*tches!

THE PRICE WE PAY / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

“After a pawn shop robbery goes askew, two criminals take refuge at a remote farmhouse to let the heat die down, but find something much more menacing.”

It’s cow flop. And not just any sidewalk brand cow flop — this is MENACING cow flop. And it’s friggin’ everywhere. That’s what you get for being a criminal and thinking a farmhouse was a good place to hide out. What a bunch of dumbs.

THE LAST NOSFERATU / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Ethan has been single for several months and is frequenting bars when he decides to meet people via Internet sites. One night, he dates Black Pearl, whom he literally falls in love with. But hardly met, she disappears. She’s not answering his calls, so he decides to go looking for her. One evening, Black Pearl resurfaces and seems to be hiding a mysterious secret that will lead him to a tragic fate.”

Dating a vampire would totally…suck. Hey, how could I NOT encore with that? It’s what I do.

Carnival Dinosaurs, Uncle Zombie Wants You, Girly Vampires

If you have mounting a dinosaur on your bucket list (okay, that came out wrong), get ready to scratch it off when Universal Studios Hollywood opens the theme-park attraction, Jurassic World — The Ride, summer of 2019. Now you won’t have to travel back in time (another bucket list line item) 145 to 201 million years ago for the experience.

Here’s how they’re gonna justify a high ticket price: “Once aboard specially designed rafts, guests will navigate the lush environs of dense vegetation, traversing new areas besieged with towering dinosaurs meandering just an arm’s length away from visitors. Encounters with such docile creatures as the Stegosaurus and Parasaurolophus will quickly turn awry as predatory Velociraptors and Dilophosaurus begin to wreak havoc, turning guests from spectators to prey. When the Tyrannosaurus rex begins to battle one of the attraction’s new behemoth dinosaurs, the rafts will spill down a treacherous 84-foot waterfall as the sole means of escape.”

While I personally tend to stay away from carnival rides that can kill you (I’m looking in your direction, extra-spin-y Merry-Go-Round), I’ll be content to watch you do it. While you unpack that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as fun as a raft full of screaming people going over an 84-foot waterfall…

THE MAN WITH THE MAGIC BOX (April 4, 2019)
“This Orwellian sci-fi thriller is set in the dystopian future of 2030 Warsaw. A man wakes up without any memory of his previous life. He is assigned an apartment and a job as a janitor in an office building. But when he finds an old radio from the 1950s, it triggers mysterious visions of another past life. As he tries to piece together his past identity with the help of his beautiful but aloft boss, he runs afoul of a totalitarian government willing to do anything to stop him. A beguiling sci-fi love story that is at turns bleak, absurd, unsettling, and oddly affecting.”

A dystopian future that’s a sci-fi love story? I liked it better when it was called A Boy And His Dog (1975).

DEAD TRIGGER (May 3, 2019)
“A mysterious virus has killed billions and turned many others into bloodthirsty zombies. Unable to stop the virus, the government develops a video game Dead Trigger that mirrors the terrifying events that curse the world. The players who kill the most zombies in the game are recruited to combat the zombie horde in real life. Led by Captain Kyle Walker, the elite team travels to Terminal City, the origin of the outbreak, to find a team of scientists who have been working on a possible cure for the virus. The only way to get to them, however, is through a city full of terrifying undead mutants.”

Several observations: 1.) Zombies are not blood thirsty. They don’t even drink. If you need a designated driver, ride with a zombie. 2.) Being good with a gun on a video game does not make you a special ops shooter in real life. You have to be in rap video for those kinds of creds. 3.) A possible cure for the zombie virus is not possible. If there was, then why would we want to watch zombie movies? 4.) This plot is pulled from the cookie sheet of hundreds of similar zombie movies. But that’s kinda obvious.

THE FURIES (2019)
Rebellious high school students Kayla and her best friend Maddie are stalked and abducted by a sinister presence while out bombing their neighborhood with graffiti. Waking up, in the woods, bound and disoriented in a claustrophobic coffin-like apparatus, Kayla’s first thought is of Maddie. Before she has a chance to ruminate on the dreadful fate that may have befallen her friend, Kayla notices a terrifying masked man fast approaching, armed with a razor-sharp ax. As a chase ensues, it soon becomes clear that Kayla and her pursuer are not alone.

The punishment for unlawful graffiti a razor-sharp ax? Sounds too lenient.

CARMILLA (2019)
“Miss Fontaine is a governess to 15-year-old Lara who lives in total isolation in her family home. Struggling to find an outlet for her burgeoning sexuality, Lara is enchanted by the mysterious Carmilla and the pair strike up a passionate relationship. However, with rumors and superstition rife and with the exhortation of the family doctor Carmilla’s presence in their home begins to strike fear into those around her.”

This one is said to be inspired by the 1872 same named novel (or “book”) by Sheridan Le Fanu, and is considered one of the first works of vampire fiction. I didn’t know vampires could read.

Snaring Zombies, Memory Bots, NSFW Horror

If you’re a musician, you probably know about Reverb.com, a marketplace for people to buy, share and trade a myriad of music instruments, gear, accessories and broken rock dreams. It was here I found a custom George Romero/Night of the Living Dead-inspired snare drum, a novel way to pound on zombies.

This 6 lug, 14-inch “drum of the living dead” will set you back $149.99 plus $32.00 to ship it from Manchester, NH. Not sure if you play it with drum sticks or a machete or a machete shaped like a drum stick.

Before you go all marching drum on the undead, here are a few available now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not keep a beat…

DERELICT (available now)
“Three friends find themselves fighting for their lives when their urban exploration goes horribly wrong.”

These guys go into an abandoned building covered in graffiti that looks like it was done by an artistic seagull with diarrhea. Then, for no reason whatsoever, they encounter a gas mask wearing killer with a hay baling hook and leather pants. Now we know what happened to all those law-breaking graffiti artists. Damn punks.

HAVANA DARKNESS (available now)
“Traveling to Havana, Cuba, to investigate the origins of a mysterious manuscript supposedly written by acclaimed American novelist, Ernest Hemingway, three friends are thrust into a terrifying game of cat and mouse when they find themselves trapped inside an abandoned building nestled in the center of the country’s vibrant capital. With time running out fast the threesome must maneuverer through a maze of deadly traps to find a way out of the building before they’re hunted down.”

Other countries have abandoned buildings and serial killers, too? Who knew?

VIOLENTIA (available now)
“A nano-tech engineer finds a way to recreate memories using nanobots. But when his daughter is killed in a school shootout, he enlists in a secret government program to find a cure for violence using a psychopath’s memories as testing ground. This leads him down a dark path where the lines between reality and memories begin to blur.”

If that guy stuck nanobots in my head to extract memories, they better be outfitted with hip-waders.

TERROR 5 (April 5, 2019)
“While most of the residents of a small Argentinian town attend a funeral procession following a tragic building collapse, the few who do not will face terrors of their own in this mash-up of urban legends. Bondage, torture, zombies, governmental corruption.”

The trailer shows a scene of a guy wearing Gene Simmons/KISS makeup while riding wildly on a motorcycle. It also shows some sex and bare naked nudity. Not sure which I like better.

Streaming Zombies, Witch Sisters, Evil Internet

Netflix™, the world’s most popular movie streaming service, is set to unleash a zombie apocalypse come April 11, 2019. A prequel of sorts to the five-season Z Nation on the SyFy™ Channel (cool series, but at times a bit hard to chew on), this one takes place just a few months after the humanity diaper-change. Whereas Z Nation started out four years into the deadening.

Here’s what to expect: “Set in the dark, early days of a zombie apocalypse, a mother torn from her daughter who embarks upon a harrowing journey to find her. Thrust alongside a small group of American refugees, these complete strangers must find the strength they need to fight their way back to loved ones. But in order for Rose and her team to brave this hostile new world, they will need to make brutal decisions to contend with zombies — and each other.”

Kinda stock for a zombie uprising. But hey, what walking dead premise isn’t? If this ain’t your jam, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth a Netflix™ subscription…

BLOOD CRAFT (April 9, 2019)
“Two sisters who suffered abuse as children at the hands of their sadistic father decide, after his death, to use witchcraft to bring his spirit back to get revenge.”

Which begs the question — how do you get revenge on a ghost? It’s not like you could squirt shaving cream in his hand while he’s sleeping and then tickle his nose. If you could, that would be super harsh punishment.

DEPRAVED (2019)
Alex leaves his girlfriend Lucy after an emotional night, walking the streets alone to get home. From out of nowhere, he is stabbed in a frenzied attack, with the life draining out of him. He awakes to find he is the brain in a body he does not recognize. This creature, Adam, has been brought into consciousness by Henry, a brilliant field surgeon suffering from PTSD after two tours in the Mideast, and his accomplice Polidori, a predator determined to cash in on the experiment that brought Adam to life. Henry is increasingly consumed with remorse over what he’s done and when Adam finally discovers a video documenting his own origin, he goes on a rampage that reverberates through the group and tragedy befalls them all.”

Sounds like Frankenstein’s getting a makeover. I bet the Queer Eye guys could do miracles with this fashion hot mess.

A PSYCHO’S PATH (2019)
“Set in the late ’60s, a psychopath that stalks the streets of a small California desert town, killing it’s residents at random. This leaves Captain Peters and his small police force to search for the killer’s whereabouts before more victims turn up.”

So where would a killer hide in a small desert town? I don’t think this psychopath thought this one out.

NEKROTRONIC (2019)
“Howard North, who unknowingly holds a secret power, is dragged into a conflict between a family of badass demon hunting Nekromancers, and Finnegan — an evil demon who has possessed the world’s Internet — and is also his mother. Molly, a fierce Nekromancer warrior, is desperate to destroy the demon and believes that Howard has the right stuff to become a true hero. Together, they must work together to exorcise the fiend from the web and blow her back to Hell.”

An evil demon who has possessed the world’s Internet? Not sure how that works, especially when the Internet has already possessed the world. Still, I bet this evil thingamajig knows all the cool porn sites.

Zombie Headwear, Pig People, Lab Rats

Horror movie make-up legend Tom Savini and his Trick or Treat Studios is once again making his line of Halloween (or church) full-head zombie masks available for money. This is good news for those of us who want to explore a new fashion look for around $25.00. (No word if these masks are made of human skin.)

Savini knows what a zombie should look like, having worked on such horror movies as Dawn of the Dead (1978), Day of the Dead (1985) and even directing the Night of the Living Dead reboot in 1990. Using his vast experience and flesh-rotting art skills, Savini is offering the mask models “Graves,” “Mort” and “Tombed”, which will ship in August/September 2019.

While you hit up the boss for an advance on your paycheck to get in on this action, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be suitable for Halloween and/or church…

I’M JUST F*CKING WITH YOU (April 1, 2019/Hulu™)
“A man and his sister on the way to a family wedding endure a night of increasingly frightening practical jokes during a one-night stay at a secluded motel.”

Great movie title. Bet parents will be taking their under-age kids to this one.

RED 11 (pending distribution/2019)
“Red 11 is a horror/thriller set in a dark, twisted version of the Legal Drug Research world. At these facilities, young guys become lab rats to make quick money, but our hero RED 11 is here to buy his way out of a huge debt to the tune of $7,000. This story shows the quirks, characters, and comedy of being a human lab rat, but with a sci-fi and horror twist, because while under the influence of experimental drugs, Red 11 doesn’t know if what’s in front of him is fact or fiction.”

This one is from Robert Rodriguez, so even with the low production budget of $7,000, it’ll look at least like $9,000 movie. There’s an interesting TRUE story behind this (from the press release) — “The movie is based on the research hospital where Robert Rodriguez sold his body to pay for El Mariachi (1993), ‘Red 11’ is the shirt color and number he was assigned.” I need to find that place so I can get the rent paid this month. Let’s see Rodriguez make a movie outta that.

TALES FROM THE LODGE (2019/UK)
“In an isolated lodge somewhere in England, five old university pals, now nudging 40, gather for a weekend to scatter the ashes of their friend, Jonesy, who drowned himself in the lake three years earlier. They settle in for a fun evening, entertaining each other with stories of murders, ghosts, zombies and possessions, but as day turns to night the gang become aware of another horror story unfolding around them. And this one is real.”

Is this a cliched horror movie plot or an episode of Scooby Doo? Just thinkin’ out loud — I’ll probably watch it regardless.

BULLETS OF JUSTICE (2019)
“During the Third World War, the American government initiates a secret project named ‘Army Bacon’ in order to create super soldiers by breeding human beings with pigs. 25 years later a breed called ‘Muzzles’ have occupied the top of the food chain, eating and farming humans like animals. Rob Justice is an ex-bounty hunter working for the last line of human resistance – a group of survivors hiding in a nuclear bunker deep underground. His mission is to find out how Muzzles came to power and destroy them.”

Army bacon? Breeding humans with pigs? Hybrids called Muzzles? Head..about…to…explode — too…many…jokes…

Zombie Kingdom

Do you like watching skin-snacking zombies tearing into soon-to-be-expired flesh? Who doesn’t? Which is why, if you aren’t already, you might wanna watch Kingdom, a period piece Korean zombie six-episode flesh-fest that showed up on Netflix™ on January 25, 2019. I do believe with all my heart that was just a few weeks ago as of this writing.

I previewed this a period piece ago, but in case you were combing your hair and missed it, here’s the premise…

“The deceased king rises and a mysterious plague begins to spread; the prince must face a new breed of enemies to unveil the evil scheme and save his people.”

Sort of tantalizing, but it doesn’t begin to hint at the slaughterhouse gore and zombie action therein. The first episode, set back in the days where starving poor people lived in house made out of bamboo and mud and rich people wallowed in the mud of wealth and much cleaner clothes, takes nearly the whole one hour first show to get going. But when it does, have something to clean up the mud you’ll no doubt fill your pants with.

An overloaded “hospital” (made of bamboo and mud) is getting desperate for food and medicine. The 100 year old head doctor hasn’t been seen for days. And when he finally shows up, he’s carrying the rotting corpse of a young unlucky previous human. Well hey, cook that sucker up and feed it to the ecstatic starving people! Just don’t tell them what they’re eating. (It tastes like Peking duck — a bit gamey, but lip-smackingly tasty.)

Once consumed, people go into mouth-frothing spasms, die painfully, then come back to life and go all World War Z on everybody standing nearby not yet dead. And like the zombies in World War Z (2013), these undead heads relentlessly run, tackle, climb and throw themselves off roofs. And they do something else not usually seen in zombie movies. (No spoiler, but there’s a hint in 2007’s I Am Legend.)

It only takes a few seconds for a zombie bite to get you up and running, which means this plague is a flippin’ pandemic. Tons of butt-clenching close calls, explicit gore and a sub-plot involving the royal elite abandoning their lower than lower class subjects. It will make you mad if you’re lower than low.

Get past the political positioning first episode and get ready for a top notch flesh-snacking, which does a good job of leveling the social class playing field.

Rubber Slasher, Decade Zombies, Robo-Mom

If you’re gettin’ the itch for psychopathic rubber dolls that uses cuss wordings, The SyFy Channel™ has a Chucky TV series based on the Child’s Play franchise in the works. You can stop yawning any time now.

Here’s what Don Mancini, Chucky’s “dad,” has to say about taking the one punchline joke into our living rooms: “The show will be a fresh take on the franchise, allowing us to explore Chucky’s character with a depth that is uniquely afforded by the television series format, while staying true to the original vision that has terrorized audiences for over three decades now.”

When you quit yawning, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you use cuss like a rubber doll…

MATRIARCH (April 9, 2019)
“Rachel and her husband, Matt are stranded after wrecking their car on a remote Scottish road. Though hostile at first, a nearby farmer and his wife welcome them in after learning that Rachel is with child. Suddenly, Rachel realizes the family’s ‘daughter’ is a local girl who’d gone missing years before. But when she and Matt attempt to escape, they’re held at gunpoint — just as Rachel goes into labor. Will their child’s first day on earth be the couple’s last?”

There’s a good idea — go for a scenic drive in the country with a wife about ready to give birth. That kind of thing could really do a number on the car’s upholstery.

ZOMBIELAND: DOUBLE TAP (October 11, 2019)
Taking place 10 years after the original, the zombie slayers face off against the many new kinds of zombies that have evolved since the first movie, as well as some new human survivors. Most of all, they have to face the growing pains of their own snarky, makeshift family.”

So those four “zombie slayers” managed to live 10 years without being eaten into chewable chunks? That’s less believable than a zombie apocalypse.

I AM MOTHER (2019)
“A teenage girl is raised underground by a kindly robot ‘Mother’ — designed to repopulate the Earth following the extinction of humankind. But their unique bond is threatened when an inexplicable stranger arrives with alarming news.”

I’m no expert, but aren’t teenage girls supposed to be raised above ground?

SKYMAN (2019)
Is self-proclaimed alien ‘experiencer’ Carl Merryweather on the path to filming his own alien abduction, or is he just another crackpot looking for fame and fortune? Carl himself may not be completely sure, but he is determined to take us on a journey in search of the answer. And that journey ends at the very spot in the desert where it all began almost 30 years ago…a chance meeting with an alien he calls the Skyman.”

This one comes from one of the people behind The Blair Witch Project (1999), which means this has the high potential of sucking as much as that movie did. Probably gonna be filmed with a hand-held camera, too.