Fluorescent Frights, Smelly Horror, Next Door Exorcism

Super7.com™ is a website I often click on during work hours. They sell a myriad of cool monster toys, which is purchased regularly to put on the desk to distract from my work load. Gonna have to put in some overtime so I can buy their new Universal Monsters ReAction Luminator Series™, glow-in-the-light model kits: The Wolf Man, Frankenstein and The Mummy. Now I’ll be able to bathe in the model’s day-glo light as well as my Bud Light™.

From Super7.com’s™ website: “Illuminated by the glow of a full moon, The Wolf Man is ready to prowl for his next victim! Inspired by vintage model kits, this 3.75” articulated Universal Monsters ReAction Figure™ of The Wolf Man comes in translucent vibrant yellow, and is packaged in a throwback-style box. It would definitely be a bright idea to add these glow-in-the-light Universal Monsters ReAction Figures™ to your collection!” (Buy ’em here)

While we pad our work hours to come up with the $75 for all three ($25 each, so pretty sure my math is solid), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you give up Bud Light™…

THE FIVE DEVILS /March 24, 2023 (Theaters) / May 12, 2023 (Mubi™)

“Vicky, a strange and solitary little girl, has a magical gift: she can reproduce any scent she likes, and collects them in a series of carefully labeled jars. She has secretly captured the scent of Joanne, her mother for whom she nurtures a wild, excessive love. When her father’s sister Julia bursts into their life, Vicky reproduces her smell and is transported into dark and archaic memories which lead her to uncover the secrets of her village, her family and her own existence.”

I can reproduce smells as well, especially after Taco Tuesday. I don’t store ‘em in labeled jars as I like to spread the love around, if you catch my…drift.

GODLESS: THE EASTFIELD EXORCISM / April 6, 2024 (VOD)

“Convinced his wife is possessed by dark forces, a desperate husband puts his faith in the power of a pitiless self-proclaimed exorcist, who is convinced that salvation can be found only through his hands. Based on a true story, this is a disturbing tale of misplaced faith and destructive zealotry.”

All wives are possessed by dark forces, usually after the honeymoon wears off.

VOICE OF SHADOWS / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

A young working class woman stands to inherit an estate if she and her boyfriend abide by a set of bizarre stipulations.

Been done with Easy Money (1983), starring the legendary Sir Rodney Dangerfield, whose character Monty Capuletti stands to inherit $10 million from his super mean dead wealthy mother-in-law if he goes on a diet and quits doing drugs, drinking and gambling…for a whole year. I wouldn’t have made it a week.

NO WAY UP / release pending 2023 (VOD)

“No Way Up is a high concept combination of disaster movie and survival thriller, as characters from very different backgrounds are thrown together when the plane they’re traveling on crashes into the Pacific Ocean. The stricken airliner comes to rest perilously close to the edge of a bottomless ravine with the surviving passengers and crew trapped in an air pocket. With their air supply rapidly running out, a nightmare fight for survival ensues as dangers from all sides hone-in on them.”

The dangers from all sides means either hybrid razor clam sharks or some of Aquaman’s droppings. Hey, he lives in the ocean — where else is gonna go? Have a heart people – Aquaman’s gotta poop.

Legendary Lagoon, Medical Mayhem, Deathless Drink

Sad to report the passing of Ricou Browning (February 16, 1930 – February 28, 2023), better known as the creature in Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954, filmed in 3D), one of the greatest monsters and monster movies of all time. So much so, the Gill-Man joined the Universal Monster Hall of Fame alongside Frankenstein, Dracula, The Wolf Man and The Mummy. (The Invisible Man wasn’t included because he was nowhere to be found.) Rico reprised his fishy role by returning for the sequels Revenge of the Creature (1955) and The Creature Walks Among Us (1956). 

Playing the iconic Gill-Man was just one of Rico’s many water-enhanced talents. He created the 1963 TV series Flipper and directed 37 episodes, worked as a stunt man on 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954), played all the bad guys in Sea Hunt (1958 – 1961), directed the harpoon-filled fight in the James Bond movie Thunderball (1965) and the Jaws-inspired candy bar-in-the-pool sequence in Caddyshack (1980). He was even a stand-in for Johnny Weissmuller on Tarzan films. Pretty much the coolest resume ever.

In a 2013 interview, Sir Browning talked about his role in Creature From The Black Lagoon: “I filmed my scenes in wintertime and it was pretty cold. The crew felt sorry for me, so somebody said, ‘How would you like a shot of brandy?’ I said, ‘Sure!’ Pretty soon they were dealing with a drunk creature.” Browning also said his legendary costume was cumbersome at first. ‘When I first put it on, it seemed awkward and clumsy. But once I got into the movie, I forgot I had it on. I became the creature.’”

While we go back and re-watch all the Creature movies and marvel at how Ricou could easily hold his breath for four minutes at a time, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as expertly directed as the candy-bar-in-the-pool scene in Caddyshack…

DEAD RINGERS / April 21, 2023 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“In this series, Rachel Weisz plays the dual roles of Elliot and Beverly Mantle, “twins who share everything: drugs, lovers, and an unapologetic desire to do whatever it takes — including pushing the boundaries of medical ethics — in an effort to challenge antiquated practices and bring women’s health care to the forefront.”

The original Dead Ringers came out in 1988, with the dual doc role being handled by Jeremy Irons, Batman’s butler in Justice League (2017/2021). Not sure why he gave up being a gynecologist with the best seat in the house to polish Batman’s batarang.

THE BURNED OVER DISTRICT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A grieving man discovers that the seemingly quiet town is hiding a very terrifying secret. Now he must find a way to overcome his grief and fight back against the darkness that has consumed the town and its people.”

Wonder what the man could be grieving about? Maybe because the town shared its terrifying secret with everybody but him. If my town did that to me, I’d be griefing all over the place

DIVINITY Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

“Set in an otherworldly human existence where the creation of a groundbreaking immortality serum named Divinity is wreaking havoc. Jaxxon Pierce, the creator’s son, now controls and manufactures his father’s once-benevolent dream, and society on the barren planet has been entirely perverted by the supremacy of the drug. However, when two mysterious brothers arrive with a plan to abduct the mogul with the help of a seductive woman named Nikita, everyone will be set on a path hurtling toward true immortality.”

Divinity is a dumb name for an immortality serum. You’d get far more marketing zing if they named it Sir Lives-a-Lot or No Time To Die or Deathus Interruptus or To Be Continued or…

POV / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A suburban couple attempt to survive a home invasion on the most dangerous night of the year.”

If your home is being invaded, doesn’t that qualify as the most dangerous night of the year? A possible exception might be if you lived at the foot of an annually erupting volcano filled with lava bees. Or Christmas.