Corpse Cuddling, Witch Hook-up, Sharks On Acid

There were two outstanding achievements in the field of zombies in George A. Romero’s Day of the Dead (1985): Dr. Tongue, who had half his lower faced chewed off, leaving his barely attached tongue flapping like a chunk of roast beef in the wind, and Bub, an iconic semi-housebroken zombie with a gun. Now you can get both as stuffed plushies from Toynk.com™ for the post-apocalyptic sale price of $35.99 each.

From Toynk’s™ website: “There’s never been a zombie quite like Bub, domesticated here just like his on-screen counterpart. The reanimated soldier who kept following orders even after death has risen again in this plush version of the flesh-eating music lover. Undead but still huggable, your affection for this Bub character plushie will be undying. This faithful zombie friend measures approximately 14 inches, from combat boots to hair. This stuffed corpse is ready to give you a cuddle you’ll never forget.”

Now THAT’S a sales pitch. So while we contemplate cuddling a stuffed corpse, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your tongue flap like a chunk of roast beef in the wind…

AFTER / Out now (Tubi™, Googleplay™, Vudu™)

“Two bus crash survivors wake from a coma to discover they are the only inhabitants of a small town slowly being consumed by a monster storm. Are they dead or is it a nightmare? As they attempt to find a way out, they soon learn that they are not alone. Inside the mist is a creature hell bent on preventing their escape.”

A creature in the mist? Where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah — 2007.

NECRONOMICON / Out now (Vimeo OnDemand™)

“The Necronomicon is used to lure victims to their death and capture their souls. One such person is the comic book writer George Carney who thinks his visit to New Orleans is to research a new book. In fact, he his there to impregnate the witch, Zilia before she sucks the very soul from his body so his child can be brought back as the reincarnation of Aleister Crowley himself.”

A Tinder™ date with a witch. That’s a new one.

BIRD BOX BARCELONA / July 14, 2023 (Netflix™)

“After a mysterious force decimates the world’s population by causing all who see it to take their lives, Sebastian and his young daughter Anna must navigate their own journey of survival through the desolate streets of Barcelona. But as they form an uneasy alliance with other survivors and make their way toward a safe haven, a threat more sinister than the unseen creatures grows.”

This one takes place during the same timeline as its predecessor, so it’s not a sequel or a prequel. In that one in the post-apocalyptic world, and a mom tells her two young kids that they’re gonna down a river in a rowboat. She sternly instructs them not to remove their blindfolds, or they will die. Sounds like Speed Dating Night at the Tug Tavern.

NARCO SHARK / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

“Narco Shark, aka The Greatest Action Film NEVER Made, is a feature length movie inspired by low-budget ’80s action films like Miami Connection and Samurai Cop, with a heavy dose of David Lynch’s surrealism and Lucio Fulci’s dream logic. It is also heavily influenced by the Sharksploitation and Mexploitation genres and will feature a SOV (Shot on Video) aesthetic prevalent on low budget 80’s horror.”

They should get Narco Shark to go after Cocaine Bear.

Sleeping With Zombies, Underwear Sharks, Demon Babies

In the 1978 zombie game changer Dawn of the Dead, a few humans hole up in a shopping mall to ride out the chewable apocalypse. Two of said humans are what remains of a SWAT team. Life in the mall is sweet — until zombies drop in for a bite. Roger “Trooper” DeMarco, one of the loose cannon SWAT guys, gets careless and ends up bitten by one of the germ-infected undead, and slowly turns into one of the gang. The scene of him lying in a mall-provided bed about to die and then un-die, is one of Dawn of the Dead’s most iconic moments. And now, thanks to Trick or Treat Studios™, you can get that moment immortalized as a pillow pal prop.

From Trick or Treat Studios™ and Radar Licensing’s™ product description: “We are proud to present the official Dawn of the Dead Roger Pillow Pal Prop from George A Romero’s classic zombie film, Dawn of the Dead. This beautifully sculpted prop is an amazing recreation of Roger as he turns into a zombie in one of the most famous scenes in zombie cinema. The Roger Pillow Pal comes with a pillow that Roger is attached to via Velcro so you place Roger in your own bed!”

Simply put, your horror life will not be complete until you have a zombie Roger Pillow Pal next to you every night. And at $79.99, it’s a small price to pay to be fulfilled. So while you rush over to NightmareToys.com to get on (buy it now), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as sweet as living in a shopping mall…

WAR OF THE WORLDS: THE ATTACK / November, 2023 (Theaters)

“Three young astronomers tracking a meteorite crashing into Earth discover they are at the epicenter of a Martian invasion.”

Kinda racist to assume the invasion was started by Martians. Maybe its those extraterrestrials from Uranus. I hear they’re a bunch of…a**holes. Heh. 

BIG SHARK / April 2, 2023 (VOD)

“Three firefighters must save New Orleans from a shark attack.”

The trailer for this one is an understatement of confusing, being part boxing movie, part shark attack and part underwear commercial. The shark part is cool and I suppose we could always use new underwear, especially after you fill ’em while watching the extra-extra-large Carcharodon carcharias jump out of the water and chomp on land dwellers. Maybe the boxing part is to show how they’re gonna battle the shark — with a stiff uppercut. In these terms, maybe Big Shark isn’t that confusing at all.

WINTERTIDE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Beth, a volunteer watch person of an isolated northern city battles a plague of depression that transforms the few remaining residents into empty, zombie-like automatons. She discovers that by entering an alternative dimension through her own dreams, she’s able to stave off the illness during the long, possibly endless winter. But will her power be enough to sustain her?”

Alternative dimension = drinking. It’s not science, people.

NIGHTMARE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Mona moves into a big apartment in an old building with her boyfriend Robby, who has just landed his dream job, and soon falls pregnant with their first child. She is plagued by bad dreams, and when the new-born baby next door dies, her crippling nightmares intensify — night after night, the same demon attacks her in her sleep. Mona begins to believe that the creature is very real and that it is seeking to enter our world through her unborn child. Soon she will realize that not all nightmares are over when you wake up.”

All newborns are angels, but eventually turn into demons…and stay that way until they turn 18 and you kick ’em out of the house.

Creepy Reboot, Ghost Advice, $100 Dementia

So a rebooting of 1982’s Creepshow series is coming to the paid subscription horror movie channel, Shudder™ in 2019. Because Hollywood rarely tries to come up with original horror movie ideas anymore, we can expect still more of horror’s legacy being tapped to keep the money faucets flowing.

As reboots generally suck bag (how many times do we have to keep re-painting the Mona Lisa?), Creepshow, thankfully, is being executive-produced by The Walking Dead’s Greg Nicotero, whose KNB EFX Group will design the show’s monster and makeup effects. That does not suck or blow.

A multi-episode series, for those not old enough to know where Creepshow came from, it was an homage to the horror comics of the ‘50s and later adapted to movie form. Horror patriarch Stephen King wrote several installments (and starred in one), and Night of the Living Dead’s George A. Romero directed. In keeping with the spirit of the original, each episode will tell original stories and directed by a different filmmaker. One kitchen, lots of cooks.

So while we wait to see the inside of our TV screens splattered with digital blood, guts and probably black stuff, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not suck bag…

CLARA’S GHOST (December 6, 2018)
“Set over the course of a single evening in the Reynolds family home in suburban Connecticut, Clara Reynolds who, fed up with constant ribbing from her self-absorbed showbiz family, finds solace in and guidance from the supernatural force she believes is haunting her.”

That’s pretty funny — getting life coaching advice from a ghost. That’s like getting swimming lessons from Jaws or electrical wiring instructions from Dr. Frankenstein or trick-or-treating strategies from Michael Myers or… I could do this all day.

DEMENTIA PART II (2018)
Mercer — an ex-convict who has become a small-jobs repairman — ends up in a house with a frightening old woman with dementia. The nightmare escalates as the woman shoves $100 bills in Mercer’s pocket, stringing him along for the revolting ride.”

Revolting ride or not, if someone stuffs $100 bills in my pocket, I’d happily get in the nondescript van that’s no doubt loaded with candy.

THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY (February 15, 2019)
“This live-action series follows the estranged members of a dysfunctional family of superheroes (The Umbrella Academy) — Luther, Diego, Allison, Vanya, Klaus and Number Five — as they work together to solve their father Reginald Hardgraves’ mysterious death, while coming apart at the seams due to their divergent personalities and abilities.”

This one’s adapted from a graphic novel series. The graphic novel evolved from comic books. And comic books were the smart tablets of their day. They were solar-powered so you never had to worry about where to plug ‘em in.

HELLBOY (April 12, 2019)
“Hellboy and his ragtag team of paranormal researchers squaring off against a medieval sorceress who seeks to destroy humankind.”

Already tagged this, but hey…new poster! That’s gotta count for something. Hopefully, it’ll be successful enough to have spin-offs, like HellMom or HellDude.

Wining Zombies, Accidental Superpowers, The Endless Endless

For those of you/us/me who get drunk on The Walking Dead, can now actually get drunk on The Walking Dead with the release of three special edition TWD bottles of wine. (Disclaimer: I don’t drink wine — I drink beer, for those of you making out your Christmas gift lists).

From the press release: “Wine lovers and fans of The Walking Dead can now order The Walking Dead Wine Collection from Lot18 in partnership with AMC. Perfect for your weekly viewing parties or for any occasion, the limited-edition collection features three hand-crafted blends and uniquely designed labels to honor the essence of characters from the series. The inspiration behind the wines are as follows…”

“Rick Grimes – 2016 California Petite Sirah. This red is a true crowd pleaser – bold, dark and balanced, exhibiting a notable tension between the bright acidity and firm, tannic structure.”

“Daryl Dixon – 2016 California Cabernet Sauvignon. Similarly reliable, showing depth and an attractive core of ripe black fruits, intermingled with savory nuances of coffee bean and dried herbs.”

“Negan – California Bourbon Barrel Red Blend. Bourbon barrel aged for three months. Composed of 73% Merlots, 18% Zinfandel and 9% Petite Sirah.”

Too many descriptive adjectives, one of 100 gripes I have with wine. Beer only needs one word to sell it: Ice cold. (Okay, that’s two words, but they both mean the same thing.)

Get TWD wine series wile supplies last: $20 a bottle, $132.00 MSRP 1/2 case, $264.00 full case. Click HERE to get drunk.

While you go shopping for new wine straws, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to suck down…

APOCALYPSE ROAD (December 5, 2017/VOD)
“Following a post-apocalyptic event, two sisters are hunted down and separated by a gang of ruthless killers intent on creating their own twisted form of law and order. The sisters must fight through this new, dangerous world to stay alive in the hopes of being reunited, and escaping to freedom.”

The don’t say what the apocalyptic event is, but I can theorize that all the ICE COLD beer ran out. That’s enough to drive anyone over the edge of sanity.

DAY OF THE DEAD: BLOODLINE (January 5, 2018/VOD)
“A re-imagining of George A. Romero’s cult classic, Day of the Dead: Bloodline is set in a post-apocalyptic, zombie-filled world where a former med school student is tormented by a dark figure from her past. The only thing is, he’s a half-human, half-zombie hell-bent on destroying her world.”

So this mysterious figure is half-human/half-zombie. Which half is which? That’ll be important to know when shopping for a bathing suit.

PSYCHOKINESIS (2018)
“An ordinary man accidentally obtains superpowers and uses them to help his daughter and others around them.”

The phrase “accidentally obtains superpowers” is how I describe myself after drinking  a half case of pre-apocalyptic ICE COLD beers.

THE ENDLESS (2018)
“A lonesome man at the threshold of death finds himself trapped in a place called The Endless.”

Yep, he’s stuck in a dive bar bathroom.

Horror Icon, Sci-Fi God, Native American Ghosts

In place of my usual incitefully snarky (ahem) blog entry intro, I’d like to express my saddened thoughts on the recent, untimely passing of legendary horror filmmaker George A. Romero, 77, who was inarguably the father of the contemporary zombie movie genre.

George, as you should know, was the man behind the timeless and rule-breaking Night of the Living Dead back in 1968. He went on to make such VHS stand-outs as The Crazies (1973), Dawn of the Dead (1978), and The Dark Half (1993), as well as more zombie legacy movies. George, you are, and will continue to be, greatly missed.

Here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may not be missed. Or may.

GOD PARTICLE (October 27, 2017)
“A team of astronauts aboard a space station find themselves alone after a scientific experiment involving a particle accelerator makes the Earth vanish. When a space shuttle appears, the space station crew must fight for survival following their horrible discovery.”

The Internet (or “the biggest toilet in the matrix) is claiming this is the third installment of the sorta Cloverfield series. I sure the f-word hope so, as I had more than a few questions after the sorta sequel 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016). A few, though, had been answered by some rather impressive researched clues on YouTube™ that connects Cloverfield (2009) and the second flick-o-rama, with 10 Cloverfield Lane’s Howard Stambler (played by the awesome John Goodman) being the connecting link. (Crap — and all this time I thought it was the aliens.)

Wikipedia™ has this to say about that: “The first hints God Particle was connected to the Cloverfield brand came when a piece of the viral marketing for 10 Cloverfield Lane included a sound clip that was supposedly from the International Space Station.”

Rather than use up your vision with my half-assed summation, get on YouTube™ and pull up Cloverfield; you’ll be amazed — and aghast — that someone would spend so much time digging for very deep clues/answers. The only thing I research are bar stools.

AKUMA (2017)
“Akira Tanaka, a young and attractive but emotionally damaged Japanese woman moves to the United States to escape a past marked by tragedy. She moves in with her sister Hana and her new husband Adam, hoping to leave her demons behind and start a new life. But as Akira’s behavior grows increasingly erratic and strange disturbances mark the night, Akira is forced to reveal her real reason for coming: to flee the malevolent spirit that has been tormenting her since childhood…and which appears to have followed her here.”

MOHAWK (2017/2018)
“After one of her tribe sets an American soldiers’ camp ablaze, a young female Mohawk finds herself pursued by a ruthless band of renegades bent on revenge. Fleeing deep into the woods, Mohawk youths Oak and Calvin confront the bloodthirsty Colonel Holt and his soldiers. As the Americans seem to close in from all sides, the trio must summon every resource — both real and supernatural — as the brutal attack escalates.”

Man, I wish I could summon supernatural resources. First, I’d have them get me a Frisko Freeze™ burger, just to clear my mind. Then, I’d have them build me an in-ground swimming pool. And once they bring me a case of Budweiser™, I’d float in my new in-ground swimming pool and drink it all and, in a hazy state, would unleash utter Heck on Earth. And have another Frisko Freeze™ burger.

THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN (2018)
“Mark Wahlberg’s upcoming action adventure — The Six Billion Dollar Man — is an upgrade of the 1970s TV series The Six Million Dollar Man.”

Yeesh — that’s quite a price increase. Who do they think they are — Seattle landlords?

Some might remember the 1974 ABC series, starring Lee Majors as Col. Steve Austin, who had a near fatal car ka-BOOM and taxpayers funded his bionic arms, legs (and everything else that dangled) with hi-techery. Two things I remember from that TV show, which also spun-off The Bionic Woman in 1976. (She was rebuilt after a skydiving accident made her go splat.) First, Col. Austin always seemed to be wearing a red track suit. Unfashionable in any decade. Secondly, was that weirdly cool science-y reverb noise — sounding like a snapped bed spring — that happened every time he did something with his bionic add-ons. It’s available as a ringtone in case you want to be retro chic.

Seasonal Sorcerer

During the days of the Black Plague™, two knights who kill in the name of THE LORD, get fed up doing all of God’s work and go AWOL from the army.

They’re later captured and given a choice — transport a young girl who is suspected of being a witch and causing the Black Plague™ to a monastery way the hell out there, or get a super sharp sword stuck up your butt. Easy choice.

Along the perilous journey that has several members of their entourage being eaten alive by werewolves (wild dogs, but werewolves made about as much sense as knights with capped teeth), they discover the girl is indeed a denizen of darkness.

To rub their faces in it, this was all a set up to deliver this w*tch b*tch to the church where she can transform into a winged bat devil and unleash more of the same. Unfortunately, the ensuing winged bat devils are cheap digital animations and ruin any belief system based on good or evil.

The twist at the end of the ham-fisted Season of the Witch (2011) is that it all verily stunketh.

P.S. You’ll be tempted, but try not confuse this movie with the same-titled Season of the Witch made in 1973 by zombie-advocate, George A. Romero. (The “A” stands for Andrew.)