Archive for November, 2011

Piranhas Vs. Sharks

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , on November 30, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Two-Headed Shark Attack, Piranha 3-DIt’s ironic – the attorneys for Piranha 3-D (2010) will need to become sharks to go after Two-Headed Shark Attack (2011) when they see the bone-headed chompfest’s DVD cover. Look familiar? Yep – that’s the exact same bikini/butt/legs used on the one-sheet for the smash hit Piranha 3-D.

Slick Photoshop work, but my detailed forensic analysis (as indicated by neato highlighted boxes and arrows), irrevocably proves the Piranha model was lifted note-for-note and re-purposed for Two-Headed Shark Attack’s cover. Same point-of-view, same bikini (the discarded micro top – only $39.99 on http://www.the-bikin.com – was just flipped over), same hands (on both wrists), same parted legs that are the handrails up the Stairway to Heaven…

The dictionary (the Bible for word barf disciples) defines plagiarism as: the “wrongful appropriation,” “close imitation,” or “purloining and publication” of another author’s “language, thoughts, ideas, or expressions,” and the representation of them as one’s own original work.

The dictionary goes on to say that being found guilty of plagiarism is punishable by death. The version I have, anyway.

JawsWe’ve all done it. In fact, you’re probably doing it right now. In which case, stop it. But to use the exact same butt becomes the butt of the issue. The bottom line (sorry) is that legal representation for Piranha 3-D could easily crack this case (sorry) and can monetarily reconcile before it goes to a potentially split jury (sorry), thereby wiping this case clean (sorry). Then they can leave this behind. (Sorry).

Save The Dead

Posted in Zombies with tags on November 29, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fix The ChapelIf you saw a zombie on a street corner with a hand-made sign that read “Homless n Hungree Needs Brainz God Bless” (the undead can’t spell worth a crap), would you fork over a few Canadian coins to help a dead brother out?

Yeah, me neither.

But what if someone asked you to donate cash to help save a cemetery where zombies live? And what if it wasn’t just any cemetery, but THE cemetery – the one featured in Night of the Living Dead (1968)?

Prepare to go medieval on your piggy bank – the famous cemetery chapel in NOTLD that was ground zero for the zombie apocalypse needs $50,000 in repairs or it’ll be torn down. OMG.

Night of the Living DeadAs first reported by the Post Gazette, the chapel, which was built in the ’20s, is scheduled for demolition by the Evans City Cemetery Association. (There’s an association for cemeteries?) But not if Pennsylvania native/zombie fan Gary Streiner (and friends) can raise the restorative fun bucks before the wrecking ball cometh. Here’s the stink of it all – he only has a year to do it.

If you feel charitable, go to wwww.fixthechapel.com and slap some PayPal™ on ’em. Face it – you owe it to the undead for years of non-stop flesh-chewing entertainment. If not that, then do it for all the future zombies. God bless.

The Wet Witch of Dunderland

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Witches with tags , , on November 28, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

DunderlandHaven’t had the taste come back to my mouth for witch movies every since that god-awful Season of the Witch (2011). But as they say, time wounds all heels. Or something like that. Arriving January 2012 is a new foreign witch flick called Dunderland. And to jack up the believability factor, there’s actually a real place called Dunderland, a Norwegian village in the Dunderlandsdal valley in Rana municipality. And hey, it even has a choo-choo train station!

Back in the smelly days of 1695, a young chick is accused of witchcraft. Those without sin cast her and her godless lifestyle into the bottomless Djupkista waters in the Dunderland valley. Dunderland 127 meters above sea level. If you’re a practioner of the Black Arts, this would be a good time to conjure some scuba gear.

DunderlandIn the years that followed, not cool tragedies and unusual fatalities plague the village. Was it the work of the witch, or did was the bus that Evel Knieval’d off a cliff and killing 16 Dunderheads just an “accident”? You already know what I think.

Fast forward three centuries later when a young and aspiring theater director rolls into town to put on a play about the witch trials of yesteryer. Good – everybody’s up to here with all that Shakespear jibber-jabber.

DunderlandWhat happens next? Drowns the hell outta me. I’m guessing the witch and brings the curtains down on this low-budget but ambitious stage performance. It’d be awesomely cool if she showed up soaking wet and rotted after being underwater all those misspent years. Now THAT’S some theater worth going to.

Historical Monsters

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , on November 27, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alternate History

The UFO-caused Chicago Fire of 1871. The great Pittsburgh living dead outbreak of 1876. The Brooklyn Bridge attack by Rosie, the giant East River monster, in the early 1900s. These aren’t myths – they’re documented facts through the revisionist eyes of Pennsylvania artist Matthew Buchholz, who ironically failed history class in high school. Just kidding; Matt aced the finals by correctly identifying the Manayunk Monster in a late 1800s drawing of the city of Philadelphia. Most people would’ve guessed Godzilla, to whom the Manayunk Monster bears an uncanny resemblance. Takes an educated eye to spot the difference.

Alternate HistoryYou won’t find any of this in history books because some uptight historian edited ’em out. But you can get affordable 11×17 reprints of these historically accurate events at Matt’s Alternate Histories – Where the Past Comes Monstrously to Life website [click HERE]. The Defeat of General Frankenstein at Bunker Hill. The Invisible Gentleman’s Association of Philadelphia. Commodore Perry Rallies the Mermen of Lake Erie. You can get ’em all for anywhere between $4 and $20 ($5 shipping if you don’t have the time to drive over to Matt’s house to pick ’em up).

Alternate HistoryAnd who among us wouldn’t want a print of the Inauguration of Vilnar the Destroyer? It’s dang funny description: “It was March 4, 1925 was a chilly morning in Washington, D.C. when Vilnar the Destroyer, the Electro-Robot-Monster of Venus, was sworn in as our nation’s 31st President. Vilnar narrowly defeated incumbent Calvin Coolidge in a highly contested race that saw vicious debate over the growth of Federal power and the molecular disintegration of Coolidge’s vice president during a debate.”

Alternate HistoryMonster fans and history buff will appreciate and treasure these wonderfully depicted historical events, which also come in holiday and birthday card formats. Show Matt’s art to old people and freak ’em out by insisting this is the stuff being taught in schools today.

Alternate History

 

Zombie Ammunition

Posted in Zombies with tags on November 26, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie MaxIt’s about time someone came up with a practical solution to putting a splattery end to this seemingly endless zombie infestation. Hornady®, maker of exceptional live gun ingredients, has unveiled Zombie Max™ ammunition. Because beating and burning the dead just isn’t cutting it anymore.

I don’t shoot guns, preferring to throw water balloons filled with asparagus pee at the living dead (and then running away). But if I did, I’d definitely buy me a case or two of Zombie Max™ ammo and go audition for season three of AMC’s The Walking Dead.

Zombie MaxAs funny as all this is, Hornady is very serious about their product. Hence, their pointed disclaimer: “Hornady® Zombie Max™ ammunition is NOT a toy (IT IS LIVE AMMUNITION), but is intended only to be used on ZOMBIES, also known as the living dead, undead, etc. No human being, plant, animal, vegetable or mineral should ever be shot with Hornady® Zombie Max™ ammunition. Again, we repeat, Hornady® Zombie Max™ ammunition is for use on ZOMBIES ONLY, and that’s not a nickname, phrase or cute way of referring to anybody, place or thing. When we say Zombies, we mean…ZOMBIES!”

While I respect their stance, I have an issue with not being able to shoot plants or vegetables right between their stupid beady eyes. (I swear, the next time any cabbage gives me lip, I’m gonna go all cole slaw-ter on it.)

Zombie MaxHornady® even has a movie-worthy promotional trailer on their website, loaded with advancing undead getting a first hand introduction to their Zombie Max™ line. Were the pus bags impressed? Let’s just say the bullets made quite an impression on the minds of the zombies.

Demon Mermaids

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , on November 25, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Demon Mermaid SpiritArwah Kuntilanak Duyung. Unless you speak mermaid (or Indonesian), you’re not gonna know what that means. Fortunately, I’m fluent in both tongues, so I got your back. Arwah Kuntilanak Duyung – a December 8, 2011 supernatural flick with comedic overtones from Indonesia Land – translates to Demon Mermaid Spirit. (Still working on the translation for Purple Monkey Dishwasher.)

SplashUsually when one thinks of mermaids, the hot naked one in Splash (1984) comes to mind. Then there’s P.T. Barnum’s “Fiji Mermaid” (aka, “Feejee Mermaid”), a displayed mummified meatloaf-sized corpse of a real mermaid. (I bet it tastes like meatloaf, too. Mermaids are lucky there’s no sea ketchup floating around.)

Fiji MermaidDespite its ominous title, Arwah Kuntilanak Duyung, as mentioned, is loaded with comedic elements. Here’s how the demon mermaid/comedy action goes down: Linda and Ardo, a young couple, live in a beach villa with two servants with the combined intellect of a door knob. When Linda gives birth, those wasteful newlyweds thoughtlessly discard the blood and placenta that comes with squeezing out little bundles of meatloaf. Where does this gunk end up? On the beach. (I highly doubt this stuff is eco-friendly.) And because of this, a supermodel mermaid emerges from the sea to give them all a terrorized lesson in Earth-first policies and practices.

Discarded placenta sounds really, really icky. If I stepped in a pile of that inner goo while walking barefoot on the beach, I’d totally freak out.

Demon of TemptationThere was another vengeful mermaid flick (made in America, where we know how to pronounce movie titles) that came out in 2004 called Demon of Temptation. In this 30-minute tale, the mermaid has a sea shell and octopus bra and stays healthily moist in a bathtub. (If not in the movie, at least on the cover.) Further, a young woman is haunted by said healthy demon mermaid. Only thing left to do is hang your hook into madness and bait it with suicide.

Historically speaking, mermaids have a human upper half and a fish lower half. (I’m really trying to not make any jokes right now.) Swimming the seas topless (it’s better for the environment), mermaids spend all their time combing seaweed and striated hermit crabs out of their hair and auditioning for Mermerican Idol, their annoying Christina Aguilera-esque singing causing boat captains to become distracted, thereby crashing their vessels into painful rocks.

More research, however, is needed in regards to the whole swimming topless thing. We need photos, people; put those smart phones to use.

Bunnyman 2: Ear-y Horror

Posted in Slashers with tags on November 24, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bunnyman 2If Leatherface, the fashion trend-setting, power-tool wielding star of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise, wore a bunny suit instead of a mask made of human skin, would you buy into it? Let me re-phrase that – if Leatherface wore a bunny suit and chopped up a bunch of teenagers the first time, would you buy into a sequel that essentially does the same thing?

Apparently, you’re about to. Bunnyman 2, starring a chainsaw-wielding cannibal psychopath (man, that combination of words is so over-used these days), is back for some leftovers – i.e., your personal sausage.

Bunnyman 2

The plot for Bunnyman 2 (releasing in 2012) sounds like a page Black ’n Deckered out of Leatherface’s diary:

“On a desolate road a group of friends cut a random truck driver off. The truck driver just happens to be the psychotic leader of a cannibalistic family who tends to wear a bunny suit, luring his victims in with an innocent appearance. A brutal downward spiral of death, torture, and despair is about to begin. One by one the friends come to a gruesome demise. The lucky ones will be run over, chopped out of trees, dismembered by chainsaw, or simply tortured to the soothing sounds of classical music.”

To be fair, there’s a twist where the surviving victims fight back. Who would’ve thought? And according to HorrorHappyHour.com, Bunnyman 2 promises a sequel that is “bigger, bloodier, grittier & better than its predecessor in every way that is feasibly imaginable, with almost the equivalent to three baseball teams worth of blood-gargling goodness.” Baseball and cannibals. I’m not getting the associative metaphor.

Bunnyman 2Just so you’re forewarned, Bunnyman/Bunnyman 2 are not comedies. Call me a blood-gargling snob, but it’s kinda hard to take a cannibal serious if he’s wearing a cute ’n fuzzy bunny costume, chainsaw or no. And while we’re on the subject, with as much blood as B-man drills from obnoxious road-trippin’ teenagers in the first one, how the heck does he keep his rabbit uniform so white? Gain™? Whisk™? Ultra-Clorox2™? Intensified Tide with Stain-Busters™? Knowing which detergent gets the blood/guts out will further me in my life.

BunnymanThen there’s the endorsement: Bunnyman hops onto the screen as the new Horror Icon.” – Patrick Ricketts, Video Views. Ouch. Really, Patrick? How long did it take you to come up with that reach-around? (Video Views is a digital video production company. Connect the dots.)

Let me assist: “Bunnyman – 24 Carrot Terror.” Or  “Bunnyman – You Just Crossed Over The Receding Hare Line…into Hell!” Or “Bunnyman Will Cut Your Celery – In Half!” Or “Bunnyman: Why Won’t He Lettuce Alone?” Or “Bunnyman 2: Splitting Hares.”

Call me, Patrick – I have 30 more. At the very least.

Boris Karloff – A Horror Icon Birthday Salute

Posted in Classic Horror with tags on November 23, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Boris KarloffIf horror movie icon/legend Boris Karloff was alive today to celebrate his birthday on this day, he would’ve had to blow out 124 candles on his cake. (A suggested gift would be a fire extinguisher.)

Born William Henry Pratt on November 23, 1887 in East Dulwich, London, Boris Karloff became the horror genre’s most famous face when he portrayed the Monster in Frankenstein (1931), paving the way for the social acceptance of every monster since – with no dis to Lon Chaney’s badass Phantom (of the Opera/1925.)

According to Wikipedia™ (dumb name – they should change it to the Human Wikipedia – First Sequence), Karloff took the stage name from “Boris Karlov,” a mad scientist character in the 1920 novel The Drums of Jeopardy. Haven’t read it. Too many words, not enough pictures. That, and I’ve been kinda busy since 1920.

It was rumored in order to achieve the cadaverous visage of Frankenstein’s monster (puzzle-pieced together from parts of icky exhumed corpses), Karloff had his upper back teeth yanked out, thereby giving him that much desired sunken cheek look. If true, that’s committing to the role. And those bolts on his neck? Installed by Les Schwab Tires™ (just kidding, it was Midas Mufflers™.)

Karloff got the role of the Monster after Bela Lugosi (Dracula) refused to don four-inch platforms and pull his teeth out (what a prima donna). Boris also played Imhotep in The Mummy (1932), wrapping himself in dirty Band-Aids™ and spawning four sequels. (Yeah, there were remakes, but clearly you’re missing the point.)

Absolut KarloffRemember the Dr. Seuss story How The Grinch Who Stole Christmas? No? I’m surprised – it’s been a holiday staple since its release in 1966. Karloff did the timeless narration, made charmingly moreso by his famous lisp. But you’d know that if you weren’t such a grinch yourself.

Of course, Boris was more than a monstermummy and a narrator. He appeared in close to one hundred million other forms of theater/theatre before his death in 1969 at age 81. (Amazingly coincidental, the movie Frankenstein, which catapulted Karloff into superstardom, just celebrated its 80th anniversary on November 21st.)

The Bride, The JiltedKarloff’s off-Broadway legacy includes six wives, none of which legally include that picky bitch Bride (actually, they didn’t give her a name) from The Bride of Frankenstein (1935), who took one look at the Monster and hissed and screamed her head off. Too bad it didn’t work out – she sounded like the perfect wife.

Love Bite: Werewolves Vs. Virgins

Posted in Vampires, Werewolves with tags , on November 22, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Love BiteThere’s a new werewolf in town. And while you’d think its diet would consist of stuff like of pulled people pork, Purina Werewolf Chow™, or the occasional lemon poppy seed raccoon, you’d be wrong. At least about this one. In Love Bite, an in-production horror dark comedy, the werewolf doing some grocery shopping in the dead-end seaside town of Rainmouth subsists solely on virgin flesh, the culinary equivalent of veal.

A bored and restless high-school guy and his buddies look to score age-appropriate girls at night to offset their dull daytime lives. Sex is the ONLY thing on their minds, bragging about it and pursuing it with pocket rocket zeal. One of the guys meets a visiting supermodel at a party and suddenly there’s potential to resolve at least one of his problems. The chick’s appearance in town coincides with werewolf attacks on virgin boys and…. Wait a minute; all that smack talk about scoring/having scored was nothing but hot air? They’ll pay for those boastful untruths with their unused skin – unless they can get some squeaky bedspring action. It’s either do it or die.

Jessica SzohrLove Bite stars Jessica Szohr (Vanessa from CW’s Gossip Girl – man, those gals can get bitchy). While the double hot actress has an impressive résumé (everything from CSI: Miami to Piranha 3D), Jessica’s highwater mark was modeling for a national ad campaign for Quaker Oats™ cereal. (I’m a confirmed Cap’n Crunch guy, but I’d sew some wild Quaker Oats™ with her. Heh.)

Love Bite releases in 2012. I think that’s next year. More research is required. So generic is the term “love bite” (which originally refers to a hickey on the neck, thigh or memory foam ass pillows), it’s been used in one form or another since the late Seventies, in everything from porno dramas to vampire comedies. Behold…

Love BitesLOVE BITES (1986)
An adult movie that shows naughty parts and stars Traci Lords and Harry Reems (man, that name kills me). Scientists study a new breed of mosquitoes, whose bite makes people horny. (What, they never heard of the Viagrapede?)

LOVE BITES (1993)
A light-hearted vampire romance movie starring ’80s pirate-costumed/pop singing sensation Adam Ant (i.e., “Ant Music,” “Goody Two Shoes” and the catchy conundrum, “Desperate But Not Serious”). Mr. Ant is a vampire who falls in love with a regular chick, so he tries to find a way to become human so he can be with her. That is so sweet.

Love Bites/Love At First Bite

LOVE BITES (2005)
A Euro-trash vampiress film with supermodel blood-lickers using sharp finger sheaths instead of fangs. That is so nouveau.

LOVE AT FIRST BITE (1979)
A light-hearted romantic comedy starring George Hamilton, Hollywood tanning machine addict, as a vampire. (George single-handedly caused global warming.) Best part of the movie happens when Susan Saint James, the gal Dracula targets to be his next bride, takes him back to her messy downtown New York apartment for some meaningful mattress time. She asks, “Can I get you something?” And Dracula, looking around at the pig sty, responds, “A broom, perhaps.”

I wake up every day of my life and still crack up over that one.

The Legend of Grassman

Posted in Bigfoot, Nature Gone Wild with tags , on November 21, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Legend of GrassmanI recently watched a documentary that scientifically disproves the existence of Bigfoot. This makes me: a). very upset, b.) highly depressed and c.) without a cryptid to believe in. I hate science so much.

But I may not have to resort to religion just yet. The Legend of Grassman, an indie low-budget horror film in the making (releasing 2012), is based on another TRUE mythological creature and is Ohio’s answer to Bigfoot. Whew!

First sighted by settlers in 1869 (why would people from the 1800s lie?), Grassman, a large hulking creature that’s both ape-like and hairy, tromps the grasslands of Ohio. Hence, his name. Good thing they didn’t see this monster crapping in a mud puddle or the name might not be so marketable.

This version of Sasquatch is way more vicious than his Pacific Northwest counterpart, attacking campers and hikers with vigor, leaving a trail mix of blood and guts all over the lawn and… Wait, that just gave me an idea. Hey hippies, go to Ohio and hang out with Grassman – he’ll smoke you up for FREE!

When Hairy Met Hairy

Bang – two birds, one stone. I totally heart you, Grassman.