Archive for the Giant Monsters Category

Kaiju Chums, Wrathful Windmills, Woodland Cults

Posted in demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla vs. Kong 2 isn’t just a fevered dream of, say, someone who might drink a LOT of beer, it’s also happening…for real. Now filming in Australia (or “Hollower Earth ”), GvK2 is slated for release on March 15, 2024. In impatient fan years, that’s like 100. (Note: The above graphic is NOT anywhere near being the official ad sheet. I hereby divest myself of any and all blame.)

Here’s what they’re telling us about the biblical event thus far: “The new movie pits the almighty Kong and the fearsome Godzilla against a colossal undiscovered threat hidden within our world, challenging their very existence – and our own. It will delve further into the histories of these Titans, their origins and the mysteries of Skull Island and beyond, while uncovering the mythic battle that helped forge these extraordinary beings and tied them to humankind forever.”

I need to take a cold shower. Before I do, I’m seeing the movie might also be called Godzilla and Kong and Godzilla and Kong: Origins, suggesting these two city-wrecking rascals are now BFFs. Cute. I’ll check Instagram™ for their selfies and hug-it-out posts. 

While we’re forced to wait for the future to hurry up and get here right the f-word now, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not induce fever dreams brought on by beer… 

MIRAL / Out now (VOD)

“A family on a car journey runs into trouble in a windmills farm. The husband tries to save them from mysterious occurrences that are happening.”

A windmill is a structure that converts wind power into rotational energy by means of vanes called sails or blades, specifically to mill grain. Unless that milled grain is used to make evil sandwich bread and/or delicious, artificially-colored breakfast cereals, not seeing the point here.

THE LONG DARK TRAIL / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“After two impoverished teenage brothers manage to escape their abusive father, they embark on a treacherous and haunted journey in the hope of finding their estranged mother who has joined a sadistic cult, deep in the woods of Northwest Pennsylvania.”

Impoverished. I’ve used that word lots of times when settling up a bar tab, “Sorry — I seem to be a little impoverished this week. Can you cover me until pay day?” Works every time. 

T BLOCKERS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When ancient parasites that thrive on hatred rise from beneath a small town, taking the most fearful and susceptible as hosts, a young trans filmmaker struggling to transition in increasingly hostile times for LGBTQ+ people, finds herself the only one who can sense the possessed, and rally the resistance before the horror escapes and spreads.”

Given the repugnant level of hostility for the for LGBTQ+ community these days, the hate-seeking ancient parasites just hit the bottom of the barrel jackpot. 

ATTACHMENT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Maja, a has-been actress in Denmark, falls in love with Leah, a young, Jewish academic visiting from the UK. When Leah suffers a mysterious seizure, Maja fears their whirlwind romance might be cut short and decides to follow Leah back to her home in London. There, Maja meets her new downstairs neighbor: Leah’s mother, Chana. An overbearing, seemingly religious and highly secretive woman, Chana seems resistant to all of Maja’s attempts to win her over. And as Maja notices strange occurrences in the building, she begins to suspect that Chana’s secrets could be much darker than first anticipated.”

It always makes me heart sad when seizures and strange occurrences get in the way of whirlwind romances.

Monstrous Manuals, Predatory Fossils, Divine DNA

Posted in demons, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

There’s only one thing better than watching horror movies. Okay, having a refreshing adult beverage ranks right up there. But staying with the theme of horror (again, quit making me write about drinking), READING about horror is the next best thing. 

Where to start, though? There are currently one billion trillion books on horror, with another seven million coming out this week. A suggestion would be to head on over to Rue Morgue’s fantastic website and pick up Monstro Bizzaro: An Essential Manual of Mysterious Monsters (132 pages/soft bound), their comprehensive compendium of all things crytpid and folklore. And it’s only $14.95. Heck, you’d pay that for a keg of St. Ides High Gravity Malt Liquor™ or seven 7-Eleven™ Cupcake Vodka martinis. (And yes, Cupcake Vodka is a real thing — I bought a case. It’s absolutely face-imploding. As I’m not wasteful, I’ll drink the rest and angrily demand a refund.)

And Rue Morgue publishes a variety of cool horror movie books. For instance, their Authorized Phantasm Film Companion pairs nicely with a cupcake martini. And who wouldn’t want to peruse Rue’s Monster Movie Heroes must-read while nuzzling a chilled, austere carafe of Colt 45™? At this point all you’d need is an overstuffed reading chair (or couch), a gently burning fire (preferably in a fireplace), your fav jammies (underwear) and a bathroom close by.

While you go to RueMorgue.com to expand your horror library — and a discount liquor store to explore the horror that is your life choices — here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as rewarding as a scintillating quart of King Cobra™

PTERODACTYL / Out now (Tubi™)

“A young woman travels to a remote island to find her missing sister.”

Given the movie’s title/art, seems like they left out a few details. Allow me: “A young woman travels to a remote island to find her missing sister…only to find her turned into a human snack bar by once-thought prehistoric parrots, who swallow without chewing her innards as if they were Oyster Rockefellers.” And there you go.

DRAGON FURY: WRATH OF THE FIRE / Out now (VOD)

“After surviving the events of the first movie, Vanessa has gone into hiding after being threatened by the government. However, a group of researchers find and convince her to go back to the mountains — and this time the dragons are more deadly than ever.”

This one was also called (or “referred to”) as Dragon Fury 2: Return To the Mountains. I like the new title better as it has a little more zing to it. The movie itself? Not so much.

SADISTIC: THE EXORCISM OF LILY DECKERT / Out now (VOD)

“A young woman becomes possessed by an evil entity after visiting a haunted house.”

Where else are you gonna get possessed by evil, besides church, that is? Usually when I become possessed by an evil entity, I run to the bathroom, stick a plunger down my neck, spew the foulness all over everything except the toilet, and swear to whoever lives in those puffy storm clouds in the sky that I will NEVER go back to Taco Bell™ and eat their Crunchwrap Supreme® Combo ever again. Until next week, maybe.

THE DEVIL CONSPIRACY / January 13, 2023 (Theaters)

“A powerful biotech company has breakthrough technology allowing them to clone history’s most influential people with just a few fragments of DNA. Behind this company is a cabal of Satanists that steals the shroud of Christ, putting them in possession of JesusDNA. The clone will serve as the ultimate offering to the Devil. Archangel Michael comes to Earth and will stop at nothing to end the Devil’s conspiracy.”

I can see the reviews now: “The Vatican Gives A Five-Star Pentagram For The Devil Conspiracy!” “Holy Moley!” enthuses Pope Larry. “It’s the most original plot since The Exorcist! Hope that Jesus guy doesn’t get ‘cross’ for us saying that…”

Monster Boat, UFO Lyft, Shark Sham

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, paranormal, Science Fiction, Sharks, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 23, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

It’s called Pangeos, a Kaiju-sized, solar-powered floating city that can hold 60,000 people and sail indefinitely around the world with no emissions. The same cannot be said for Gamera and/or Godzilla, as emissions or “radioactive bodily discharges,” are part of their weapons arsenal. With those kinds of stats, though, no one should get sticker shock at the vessel’s “eight years to build, $8 billion to make” price tag.

From Lazzarini Design Studio’s website, the designers behind this staggering monolithic concept: “Pangeos is named in honor of the Pangea super-continent that existed millions of years ago during the late Paleozoic and early Mesozoic eras.” I didn’t understand a word of that. But Lazzarini, whose name sounds like an expensive Italian cocktail garnished with a bread stick, says the colossal catamaran “is a mix between a five-star resort, a cruise ship and a city, and can accommodate as many as 60,000 guests via a combination of villas and apartments. Other highlights include a rooftop mall, sprawling gardens, several pools and a supersized beach club. Naturally, the yacht is fitted with helipads, hangars and marinas to store choppers, toys and tenders.” Naturally. 

The boat is obviously inspired by Pacific Rim’s (2013) Jaegers (gigantic humanoid mechas — “To beat monsters, we had to build monsters”). As such, the Gamera-shaped floating city that can hold tens of thousands of screaming citizens, is a next-level boat, referred to as a Teryacht, which could easily be a name of a new Godzilla foe (or “nemesis”). Heck, the gargantuan gondola is so big, it could host at least 100 Gyaos on Spring Break.

In rough seas, the next sound you’ll hear is 60,000 people throwing up in unison. So while we wait for Pangeos to be built, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need Dramamine™ to watch…

MISSING 411: THE UFO CONNECTION / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

“In his third documentary, David Paulides reveals the first evidence documenting a link between UFOs and missing people.”

They’re not missing — they did a UFO ride-share to get off this toilet Earth

LULLABY / December 16, 2022 (VOD)

“A new mother discovers a lullaby in an ancient book and soon regards the song as a blessing. But her world transforms into a nightmare when the lullaby brings forth the ancient demon Lilith.”

All the really good lullabies are found in ancient books. That’s why they’re so in popular with new mothers. They get ‘em at ScaryMommy.com. Bet you didn’t know that’s a real website.

WATCHDOG / release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After narrowly escaping an armed robbery, Travis Wilkes invites the drifter who saved him back to the isolated home where he and his girlfriend reside, not realizing that he’s opened the door to a night of terror and brutal revenge.”

You want a night of brutality and terror, open the door to the Tug Tavern.

SHARK TRAP / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Every summer, the little island town of Ocean Point stirs with new life and pleasure-seeking vacationists. A water park is opening against the wishes of the local islanders. Nefarious business dealings leave a dead body in the water — and it draws a shiver of sharks to the area. The amusement park becomes a feeding ground for a great white shark.”

I thought a feeding ground WAS an amusement park for a shark. Given the over-chewed plot, clearly this is a shark movie made by people who’ve never seen a shark movie.

A Kaiju Reborn, Airborne Apes, Post-Puberty Exorcist

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Gods of All That Is Kaiju have FINALLY answered my last call prayers. Gamera, one of the greatest giant monsters ever in the history of ever (spinning Frisbee™ flight abilities, plasma flames blasting out of mouth AND butthole area, Osmond-sized teeth), is coming back after being in hibernation since 2006. Kadokawa Daiei Studio and Netflix™ just announced they’re working on a project called Gamera: Rebirth for 2023. After I post this blog, I’ll need to go swap out my under garments because, you know…

From Joblow.com: “A giant, fire-breathing, prehistoric turtle monster, Gamera was first introduced to audiences in the 1965 film Gamera, the Giant Monster, which begins with an atomic bomb waking him from a long slumber in the Arctic. Over the next six years, Gamera returned in Gamera vs. Barugon, Gamera vs. Gyaos, Gamera vs. Viras, Gamera vs. Guiron, Gamera vs. Jiger, and Gamera vs. Zigra. When the studio was struggling with financial issues in 1980, they cut together a bunch of stock footage Gamera: Super Monster. Gamera then took a fifteen year break before being brought back in a trilogy of films directed by Shusuke Kaneko. Those were Gamera: Guardian of the Universe, Gamera 2: Attack of Legion, and Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris. The most recent film was 2006’s Gamera the Brave.”

While we look for a time machine to transport us to the premier of Gamera: Rebirth’s exact day and time in 2023, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not taste as good as giant prehistoric turtle soup

ALL EYES / Out now (VOD)

“Allen hosts a podcast about strange people and paranormal phenomena. One day, he gets fired from his job. He’s totally distraught, but soon enough, he comes across a case that just might revitalize his career. He’s contacted by a widowed farmer named Don who claims there’s a monster living in the woods near his house, so Allen travels to the man’s home to interview him and see him capture the beast.”

WTF?!? Monsters live in the woods? Dang — I live right next to some woods. This really upsets my stomach area. Sure, Bigfoot lives in there as well, but he’s not really a monster. He’s more of a Naturalist/organic hippie free spirit who just happens to occasionally scare the kale outta people.

CRYO / Out now (VOD)

“In an underground facility, five scientists wake from cryosleep with no memory of who they are or how long they’ve been asleep. They soon make a shocking realization: a killer is hunting them down there, and may even be hiding among them.”

Waking up with no memory of who they are or how long they’ve been asleep sounds like they had an epic night at the Tug Tavern instead of an underground facility.

GALE: STAY AWAY FROM OZ / Pending release 2022/2023

“Long gone are the days of emerald cities and yellow brick roads in this dark re-imagining of The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy Gale is now an elderly woman, broken by years of paranormal entanglement with a mystical realm, which has now echoed down to her only living relative, Emily, who is being called to settle unfinished business in this terrifying world of Oz.”

Hoping this one is as bloodthirsty and barbaric as the 1939 original. It better not have dork dancing and ear gouging song interludes, though. Crossing fingers for flying monkeys.

BLOOD FLOWER / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Iqbal, a 16-year-old apprentice faith healer and exorcist, is tormented by visions of the dead and spirits from other dimensions. When a malicious spirit begins to wreak havoc around him, Iqbal is forced to harness his supernatural gifts to save his family and friends.”

A 16-year-old exorcist/faith healer who can see the dead from other dimensions. At 16 I was a paperboy.

Monster Face, Skin Snacks, Braless Bloodshed

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Have you ever wanted to look like Godzilla but found that plastic surgery and/or being exposed to radiation is just to darn too costly? Super7™ has your back (and face) with their slick, fully-licensed Godzilla mask, priced at an easily-borrowed $20. Having a Godzilla mug not enough? Super7™ also has Hedorah and Mechagodzilla masks as well. Get all three for $60 to switch up your game — then go out on the town and knock a few buildings over.

From their website: “Be the King of the Monsters, the Smog Monster Hedorah, or the mechanical wonder Mechagodzilla for Halloween or every day of the year with the officially licensed Super7 x Toho retro masks! Made of high quality plastic with an elastic headband and with retro packaging.”

While you look for a shirt and trousers to go with your new and improved features, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved with radiation… 

CHUYEN MA GAN NHÀ (Vietnamese Horror Story) / Out now (Screambox™)

“This horror anthology film presents three tales inspired by the country’s urban legends and folklore: an actress seeking everlasting beauty; a magician who makes a deal with evil; and a psychic seeking the remains of a deceased girl.”

This Vietnamese movie came out earlier this year and was a huge hit. It’s now available in the States. Wish I knew it was gonna be released here before I flew all the way to Southeast Asia to catch the matinee. (I loaded up on Cu-do Candy, Bim Bim and some Mut at the snack bar — only cost me 37,1625 dong.) 

THE SAWYER MASSACRE / Out now (YouTube™)

“On June 30th, 1965, Jimmy’s friends bring him to the Texas countryside to escape city life after a terrible tragedy. In need of supplies for their cabin, they ascend to a nearby gas station where they are directed to find their supplies at an isolated farmhouse but this property is not as it seems. They soon find themselves hunted by a human flesh-eating psychopath with an arsenal of violent tools at his disposal. If any live through the nightmare, they’ll wish they hadn’t.”

This Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) prequel answers the question of how much flesh can a flesh-eating psychopath eat. Irregardless of the saturated fat, probably a lot. And hey, you could make deli-sawed butt sandwiches out of the leftovers.

THE BOOGEYMAN /January 2023 (Hulu™)

“A sixteen-year-old and her younger sister, still reeling from the death of their mother, are targeted by a supernatural boogeyman after their father, a psychologist, has an encounter with a desperate patient in their house.”

This movie is based on the 1973 Stephen King short story, which later showed up in his best-selling Night Shift collection in 1978. Didn’t read it — I never learned to read until 1981. Late bloomer.

MURDERCISE / Release pending June 2023 (VOD)

“Phoebe is an obsessed fitness nerd who gets her big break on a sleazy workout video. After being ridiculed by her co-stars, Phoebe befriends a mafia princess wild child, who teaches her how to murder her way to the top.”

Warning — this movie features exercising girls not wearing bras. Be careful not to hurt yourself watching it.

Fuzzy Leviathan, Werewolf Party Crasher, Chilly Creatures

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 14, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cthulhu, horror author H.P. Lovecraft’s quintessential fish face fish monster, first appeared in Weird Tales in 1928. Titled, “The Call of Cthulhu”, the short story was so terrifyingly awesome, the “Great Old One” has since become a pop culture staple for nearly 100 years. Besides Cthulhu books, posters, Athletiwear™, and bathtub toys, you can now get a Cthulhu Chia Pet, available on Amazon™ for $22.73. That’s cheaper than a haircut, which is ironic given that this thing grows “hair” like a weed. Additionally ironic — the hair IS a weed.

From the product description: “Joseph Enterprises™ Inc., the makers of the Chia Pet® and the Clapper®, is expanding its horror collection with a brand new addition to their horror holiday lineup. They say no human can gaze at Cthulhu without going mad. The only form suitable to avoid insanity is by planting and growing your very own Cthulhu Chia Pet!”

“The handmade pottery planter comes with a packet of Chia® seeds good for three plantings, convenient plastic drip tray and planting and care instructions. In just 1-2 weeks your Cthulhu Chia Pet will achieve maximum growth as it takes over your puny existence. Chia Planters can be washed and replanted indefinitely.”

While you skip the barbershop and sacrifice your cash in tribute to Cthulhu, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not drive you mad while gazing at them… 

VIKING WOLF / November 18, 2022 (VOD)

“Seventeen-year-old Thale has just moved with her parents to a small town after her mother has a new job with the local police. After a student is killed brutally at a party Thale attends, she becomes a key witness. Was the killer an animal? A wolf?

Um, they give it away with the movie’s ad sheet. Like we couldn’t have figured it out on our own without any help from the police…or a poster.

A WOUNDED FAWN / December 1, 2022 (Shudder™)

“Meredith Tanning is a local museum curator who is dipping her toe back into the dating pool, only to be targeted by a charming serial killer. When a fateful romantic getaway between the two becomes a tense game of cat and mouse, both must confront the madness within him.”

No one should “dip” their toe in the dating pool. There’s is only one way to do it: CANNONBALL!

THE LEECH / December 6, 2022 (VOD)

“A devout priest welcomes a struggling couple into his house at Christmas time. What begins as a simple act of kindness quickly becomes the ultimate test of faith once the sanctity of his home is jeopardized.”

Uh, oh — sounds like someone didn’t use Glade™ after using the priest’s “porcelain pulpit.”

FREEZE / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

On a rescue mission to the North Pole to retrieve an old friend and his lost expedition crew, Captain Mortimer gets more than he bargained for when his ship is frozen into the ice sheet and set upon by bloodthirsty fish-creatures. Mortimer and his surviving crew flee the ship, beginning a treacherous journey in a frozen desolate wilderness. Suffering from starvation, frostbite and slow madness, they find shelter inside a snowy mountain. Are they safe or have they entered the creatures’ lair?”

All Captain Mortimer has to do is wait for those walking fish sticks to thaw. Then shoot ‘em in the gills with a gun loaded with tartar sauce bullets.

Enfant Terrible, Kaiju Cadaver, Possessed Snow

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Child’s Play, the 1988 horror movie hit about Chucky, a serial killing 36” toy doll (made so via a voodoo soul transfer of the cutlery-inclined murder guy, Charles Lee Ray), has gone on to become one of the most successful horror movie franchises of all time. The scorecard: seven films, a television series, comic books, video games, micro-beer, and tie-in merchandise, generating over $250 million killer coupons. And Chucky, the “tiny tycoon of terror,” has impressive body count accomplishments that eclipse those of Friday the 13th’s Jason Voorhees and Halloween’s Michael Myers

So it makes perfect financial sense someone would do a Child’s Play documentary. Titled Living With Chucky, the doc comes out on Screambox™ in early 2023, and slices deep into the persistent popularity of the pliable puppet.

From the official press release: “Written and directed by Kyra Elise Gardner, Living With Chucky explores the roots of the iconic horror franchise and details the history of production, as well as focusing on Gardner’s own relationship with the series and what Chucky means to her. Not only is she a franchise super-fan, Gardner has a closer relationship to Chucky than most — her father is puppeteer and designer Tony Gardner, who worked on a number of Child’s Play films as well as leading puppetry on the recent Chucky TV series. Gardner even lovingly refers to Chucky as her “mass murdering 3-foot-tall redheaded stepbrother.”

So while we wait for Living With Chucky and the inevitable Chucky Condoms™ (rubber — get it?), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as resilient as killer Tupperware™… 

WHAT TO DO WITH A DEAD KAIJU / Out now (VOD)

“A large monster attacks Japan, but dies suddenly. While the people rejoice and bask in relief, the giant corpse left behind begins to slowly rot and bloat. If it explodes, the nation will be destroyed.”

A rotting and bloated corpse of a giant monster is about to explode and destroy the nation. I need that tattooed somewhere on my forehead.

ORBITAL / Pending release 2022 (VOD)

“Peter Randof uses his wealth to construct a massive ring around Earth. Destined to finish the project, the fully-constructed mega-structure leads to unforeseen consequences.”

Let’s re-frame this with a metaphor we can all relate to: the ring is the seat, Earth is the toilet. That established, you already know what the “unforeseen” consequences are.

SNOW FALLS / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“After a winter storm strands five friends in a remote cabin with no power and little food, disorientation slowly claims their sanity as each of them succumbs to a fear that the snow itself may be contaminated or somehow evil.”

One only needs to reflect on the 1974 wisdom of Frank Zappa in regards to tainted winter weather: “Watch out where the Huskies go, and don’t you eat that yellow snow.” Words to live by. Music to dance to.

SHELBY OAKS / July, 2023 (VOD)

“A woman’s desperate search for her long-lost sister falls into obsession upon realizing that the imaginary demon from their childhood may have been real.”

There’s no such thing as “imaginary demons.” Real demons are all over the place. Start with your bartender and go from there.

Clap For The Wolfman, Jurassic Motorlodge, Magic Man

Posted in demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 8, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Horror movie soundtracks are for people who don’t like lyrics. No dis on instrumentals, but it’d be cool if rock music came with an option to hear just the music and not the caterwauling stylings of Axl Rose or that guy from Nickelback, the one with the facial hair.

But I digress. So what if there was a soundtrack to a horror movie that doesn’t even exist? Is that even legal? Apparently so, as you can now buy (or “purchase”) Meat For Wolfman (label: Somafree Institute) by the musically educated musicians Corey J. Brewer and Erik Blood under the pseudonym Blutbraüer. (Names are so much cooler with umlauts.)

Here’s what Fangoria™ says about such a harmonious and possibly illegal undertaking: “Fans of the soundtrack to Jess Franco’s Vampyros Lesbos and Francoise Du Roubaix’s music for Daughters Of Darkness be enticed: this finds a beautiful balance between the hypnotic, horrific and plain funky, using reverb, harpsichord, glockenspiel, disembodied voices and much more.” 

While you dust off your dancing shoes, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be made better with a glockenspiel-enhanced soundtrack — or facial hair…

LEGIONS / December 2022 (VOD)

“Antonio is a sorcerer from a powerful bloodline, trapped in an asylum against his will. After an omen informs him that his daughter will be sacrificed by an evil entity, he must use his magical skills to escape and save her.”

So Antonio is a sorcerer. Wonder if he knows Harry Potter? Maybe those two could start a band: The Waving Wands. They could do a cover of “I Put A Spell On You.” Okay, there was no excuse for that. Caught in a shame spiral YET AGAIN.

DINOSAUR HOTEL 2 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Sienna is forced to play the games once again.”

Dinosaur Hotel (2021) was/is a British monster movie about “a survival game that pits prehistoric beasts against its contestants.” Extrapolated theory: Dinosaur Hotel 2 picks up where Dinosaur Hotel left off. FYI: I tried booking the Dinosaur Hotel on Expedia™. Best I could find was Mariott’s TownePlace Suites™, which is an easy 2.2 mile hitchhike to Dinosaur World in Plant City, FL. They have a pool.

MEDUSA’S VENOM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“The beast is back and her venom is deadlier than ever. When newcomer Lola is welcomed into Medusa’s circle, she endures a ritual to bring her closer to her new sisters.”

In Greek mythology, the eternally aggro Medusa is considered the original Karen and is one of three Gorgon monsters. She has snakes for hair. Not sure what kind of shampoo one uses for that condition. Probably Dead & Shoulders™. Heh.

HUESERA / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“Valeria’s joy at becoming pregnant with her first child is quickly taken away when she’s cursed by a sinister entity. As danger closes in and relationships with her family become fractured, she’s forced deeper into a chilling world of dark magic that threatens to consume her. A group of witches emerge that could be her only hope for safety and salvation, but not without grave risk.”

I liked this better when it was called Rosemary’s Baby (1968).

Godzilla Supermodel, Ghost Fashion, Irish Goblins

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 7, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Question: Would you pay $585.00 (plus your local municipality tax) for a 17” tall Godzilla statue? Answer: F-word, yeah! Expected to ship in the spring/summer of 2023 (I think that’s next year…I’ll have to do more research), Mondo™ is unveiling the F-word cool Godzilla: Tokyo SOS statue, limited to 600. Before you gasp out loud…FREE SHIPPING! You may gasp out loud now. 

From Mondo’s™ press release: “Based on the amazing Godzilla: Tokyo SOS (2003), this statue captures the brutal battle between Godzilla, Mothra and Kiryu. Godzilla is fully realized with stunning attention to detail including an array of swappable accessories that recreate specific moments from the movie. These include two Mothra larva, three interchangeable lower jaws (open, closed, and eating Mothra leg), two interchangeable heads (one with heat ray attack), and tail tip to which a Mothra larva can attach.” So, like, buy it HERE.

While you contemplate where to display your new art piece (suggestions: family dinner table, hood of your car, Benihana™), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not require two interchangeable heads to watch…

PEREMPUAN BERGAUN MERAH / Out now (VOD)

“Dinda is an introverted student terrorized by a female ghost in a red dress. However, Dinda’s concern for her sister and best friend makes Dinda never give up on solving the mystery she faces, even though her life is threatened. Putra, his friend, always helps Dinda uncover the figure of the woman in the red dress that haunts her.”

A ghost wearing a red dress. Where’d she buy it — Phantom Zone Dress For Less™?

THE FETUS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A couple struggle to learn the truth about the origins of their unborn child – a supernatural entity that emerges from the body.”

A supernatural entity usually emerges from at least one part of the body, typically after a Taco Bell™ Beefy 5-Layer Burrito meal.

UNWELCOME / January 27, 2023 (Shudder™)

“Maya and Jamie escape their urban nightmare of London to the tranquility of rural Ireland only to discover malevolent, murderous goblins lurking in the gnarled, ancient wood at the foot of their new garden. Heavily pregnant, Maya is soon targeted by the goblins and the family she befriended after forgetting to make sure the creatures are fed. What extremes will she go to protect her unborn child?”

I thought Irish goblins were called Leprechauns. Whatever. Goblin is easier to spell. I’ll watch this movie while feeding on…Lucky Charms™.

FEAR THE INVISIBLE MAN / Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

“Adeline is a young British woman who provides shelter to an old medical school colleague, a man who has somehow turned himself invisible. As his isolation grows and his sanity frays, he schemes to create a reign of wanton murder and terror across the city – and Adeline’s the only one who knows he even exists.”

Which begs the question — how does the Invisible Man take a selfie?

Godzilla Day, Trolling For Trolls, Werewolf Games

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

To celebrate Godzilla Day (today, right now, let’s party), you might consider buying me (and get one for yourself while you’re at it) the Godzilla: The Ultimate Illustrated Guide (Welbeck Publishing), releasing November 8, 2022 on Amazon™. Really, it’s the right thing to do.

Besides the subject matter, the $29.95 book, authored by Graham Skipper, measures out as 9.25 x 0.75 x 11.25 inches, has 256 pages, and weighs 3.08 lbs (or “pounds”). Best part — TONS of cool photos (or “pictures”). A Spanish review called it, “La mejor guía hasta la fecha de las películas de nuestro kaiju favorito!” Took the words right out of my mouth.

So while you’re cutting back on your Slim Jim™ budget enough to purchase Godzilla: The Ultimate Illustrated Guide, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not taste as good as commercial meat snacks…

TROLL / December 1, 2022 (Netflix™)

“Deep inside the mountain of Dovre, something gigantic awakens after being trapped for a thousand years. Destroying everything in its path, the creature is fast approaching the capital of Norway. But how do you stop something you thought only existed in Norwegian folklore?”

Norway’s version of Godzilla. The movie’s trailer is thrillable on a level that’s quite thrilling. (Redundant — is that a problem?) As stated above, a giant Troll comes out of his mountain retreat and trample stamps its way through buildings, public transportation, landscaped lawns, 7-Eleven™… Watch Trollhunter (2010) prior to get your folklore juices flowing.

BLOODTHIRST / Pending release 2022 (VOD)

“In a post apocalyptic world run by vampires, only the strong survive. John Shepard, Vampire Hunter, is one of them. John has to track down and eliminate the master vampire before he himself gets turned.”

While vampires are cool, I’m with being a vampire hunter. If the world was owned and operated by vampires, it wouldn’t take long to bankrupt their human food supply. And vampires sucking on cows, raccoons and/or hamsters (i.e., fuzzy juice boxes) is just biblically wrong.

WEREWOLF GAME / January 13, 2023 (Theaters)

“Twelve kidnapped strangers must play a game where they vote on who amongst them to murder. At night, the ‘werewolves’ hidden among them come out to brutally kill one of the 12 ‘villagers’ in return.”

This movie is adapted from the famous 1986 “who did it” adult party game, Mafia, which is also known as Werewolves. The other popular game from that year was Orgy, in which players try to gain enough wealth to become a Roman consul. The game’s name was TOTALLY misleading.

COCAINE BEAR / February 2023 (Theaters)

“A drug runner plane crashes with a load of cocaine that’s found by a black bear, who eats it. Inspired by true events that took place in Kentucky in 1985, during which a bear ingested 88 pounds of pure cocaine and went on a rampage.”

I read a news headline on that story: “Cocaine Bear — The Ultimate Party Animal.” That’s freakin’ funny. P.S. Cocaine smells good. (Old joke. Still freakin’ funny.)