Celebrating Aliens, Two-Timing Exorcist, Dating Mermaids

Today, April 26, is Alien Day, in celebration of one of sci-fi’s all time greatest movies (and some other stuff). This year also marks the 45th anniversary of Alien, which was released May 25, 1979 and September 6, 1979 in the United Kingdom. The reason it took four months later to introduce Alien to the Brits was that it was deemed too horrifying by the United Kingdom Parliament, citing it would scare the fish ‘n chips right out of their arses. (I got this info from a guy with a fake British accent on the bus.)

Facts about Alien Day I totally copied off the Internet: “Alien Day is a widely acclaimed holiday sponsored by the film production company, 20th Century Fox™. It was first celebrated in 2015 as an unofficial holiday in Brooklyn, New York, by a group of folks who aimed to glorify the world of science fiction. In 2016, it became even more organized and recognized as trivia competitions, comic books, Alien video games, clothes, and collectible prizes became parts of events marking its celebration.”

Horror merch companies like Fright Rags™ and Cavity Colors™ have issued limited edition Alien shirts and hoodies, with Fright Rags™ offering a one-day (today) only preorder of Alien survivor/hottie, Ripley’s cat, Jonesy, who everybody thought had an alien inside of it when they went into stasis (science nap) after blowing the stowaway Alien out of the shuttle into space, where apparently no one can hear you scream.

So while we all celebrate Alien Day by day drinking and then taking a long science nap, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the fish ‘n chips out of your arse…

THE EXORCISM / June 7, 2024 (Theaters)

“A troubled actor begins to unravel while shooting a supernatural horror film. His estranged daughter wonders if he’s slipping back into his past addictions or if there’s something more sinister at play.”

This one stars Russell Crowe. I see your red flag — and I raise ’em. Crowe JUST stared in The Pope’s Exorcist (2023). And now he has ANOTHER exorcism movie coming out? While this is not a sequel (production started on this one in 2019, whereas production began on The Pope’s Exorcist in 2020), Crowe’s at risk of becoming typecast and won’t get any other roles. Just ask Superman’s George Reeves. You fly, they’ll buy.

THE LITTLE MERMAID / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Dr. Eric Prince, an archaeologist, makes a dramatic discovery on a small Caribbean island — proof of an ancient, advanced prehistoric society. While his dig is in progress, he meets the mysterious and beautiful Aurora Bey and falls in love. Her arrival coincides with several mermaid sightings and strange disappearances. When Eric’s friend and mentor, Dr. Ashley, arrives on the island, Ashley uncovers the true identity of Aurora and the dangers of the hidden evil inside Eric’s dig site. Will Eric heed his friend’s advice, or will he be blinded by love and the power of the siren, allowing the world to fall to the forces of evil?”

Sounds like the horror version of Splash (1984). Event with the inherent danger, I’m intrigued with the idea of dating a mermaid. We could get some sushi, maybe stop by the aquarium, or go to the beach to see seas shells by the seashore. What could possibly go wrong?

PIGLET / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Deep in the remote Appalachian hills lives Piglet. The son of a once industrious butcher and marred by tragedy, Piglet’s solitary life is shattered when fame-hungry millennials trespass onto his land. They hope to capture paranormal activity on their struggling YouTube™ channel. In a foolish bid to manufacture exploitation, one of them slaughters Piglet’s beloved pig. Little do they know they’ve just incurred the wrath of a vengeful killer. Incensed, Piglet brutally dispatches the trespassers one by one, displaying savage power.”

Piglet, is of course the best friend of the tragically-named Winnie-the-Pooh. In the kid’s books, Piglet’s favorite food is acorns. In this movie, it sounds like his palate leans more towards bloody flesh. Maybe acorns as a pairing.

AIR FRYER SLAUGHTER / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Everyone loves them, has one or wants one — until they start killing and eating your flesh.”

Slaughter I get. But why would anyone want to fry air?

Beach Apes, Spooky Painting, Lust Demon

A few new posters promoting the upcoming Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes, arriving on human screens May 10, 2024. Or, if you’re a human that can talk, you might be able to get into an advanced screening on May 8, 2024. By my calculations, that’s two days earlier. (I’ll call NASA and have them double-check my numbers.)

In a cool promotional stunt, 20th Century Fox had apes on horseback trotting around Venice Beach in Los Angeles, glaring at humans who wouldn’t think twice about raiding the apes’ corn fields. I don’t care for corn, but if the apes had a poorly-guarded storage fridge full of kiwi and banana-flavored coconuts, I’d either feast for a month…or end up as a stuffed exhibit in one of their museums.

So while we all loiter around Venice Beach and hope to see apes and not step in “sand apples”, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be full of horsesh*t…

CONTAGION OF FEAR / Out now (VOD, DVD, Blu-ray)

“A catastrophic train derailment in Sydney sends the city spiraling into chaos. But the derailment is just the beginning. When her father is framed for a subsequent biological gas attack that results in people dying within minutes, suspended Federal cop Leyla is set on a mission to clear her father’s name and uncover the truth behind the attack that leaves the survivors of a train crash fighting for survival.”

A really good argument for taking the bus. Yes, people on buses are also susceptible to gas attacks, but more often than not from flatulent pension drunk passengers with little to no self control.

MUOI: THE CURSE RETURNS / April 30, 2024

“Linh accepts the invitation to visit Hang, her long lost best friend at a commissional house in a nearby city. During her stay, Linh discovers the haunted portrait of Muoi and its curse throughout years of anger. Linh has to make a life and death decision of either running away or facing the curse in order to save her friend. Little does she know, while slowly unfolding the darkest secret behind this haunted portrait, Linh is falling deeper into the most horrific trap, which was contrived…specifically, just for her.”

Three things more interesting than the plot: Muoi: The Legend of the Portrait (2007), the first film in this “franchise”, became the first horror film in Vietnam after the fall of Saigon. Additionally, the sequel Muoi: The Curse Returns, is the directorial of Vietnam’s first female horror director, Hang Trinh. It’s also Vietnam’s first exorcism-themed horror film. At least that’s what the guy in the produce aisle at the supermarket told me.

KILLING ARIEL / April 20, 2024 (VOD)

After a female demon attacks a contentedly married man, his life turns into a nightmare of madness, lust, adultery, and cold-blooded murder.

They had me at nightmare of madness, lust, adultery, and cold-blooded murder. They lost me at contentedly married man.

THE EVIL WITHIN / April 20, 2024 (VOD)

“When American filmmaker Jason makes an online love connection with a lovely Asian woman, their common career in cinema, along with Jason’s strong attraction to her beauty, has them happily chatting away. Invited to visit her home in Asia, Jason’s infatuation soon turns to terror, when one unsettling thing after another occurs. As the old house becomes more horrifying, Jason realizes all too late that the woman he fancies may be hiding a terrifying secret, and there may be no escape.”

Not a fan of found footage films. If you aren’t, either, just watch the trailer as it shows everything in the movie in two minutes.

Pools of Dead, Extraterrestrial Giants, Cemetery Vampire

The highly-anticipated Deadpool & Wolverine anti-superhero movie premiers July 26, 2024 and promises to be more violent, more bloody and, if it’s even possible, more funny. After watching the movie’s trailers, looks like they easily have that in the bag. With that, here are a four Deadpool & Wolverine sales sheets to get you juiced up for what is sure to be a box office nut punch.

Here’s a few things about Deadpool & Wolverine that you might not be aware of (SPOILER ALERT): The creature Alioth, who you know from the MCU TV series Loki, makes an appearance, as does Sabretooth, Lady Deathstrike, Toad, Azreal, Cassandra Nova, Paradox — a Time Variance Authority (TVA) agent (see Loki), and Thor, via re-purposed archival footage from Avengers: Infinity War (2018). There’s more I shouldn’t say out loud so as not to further blow all the cameos. Coolest of all, we’ll get to meet Dogpool, a canine variant of the mutated Wade Wilson/Deadpool. 

A few fun facts: Deadpool & Wolverine was directed, co-written and co-produced by Shawn Levy, who, as you know, is primary producer of the massive hit Netflix™ series Stranger Things. Wolverine wears the famous yellow and blue costume from X-Men: The Animated Series (1992–1997) and comic books, specifically Astonishing X-Men Volume 3 (2004 — 2013). And leggy songstress/mega-star Taylor Swift was supposed to make a cameo appearance as Dazzler, but that did not come to fruition. Dodged that bullet.

So while we all re-watch Deadpool & Wolverine’s trailers and impatiently wait for more sales sheets, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have Taylor Swift — or a mutated dog — in ’em…

MONSTERS BATTLEFIELD / Out now (YouTube™)

Ye Qin, the fiancée of Qin Yang, a heroic soldier, died tragically after encountering an unknown giant beast. Gu Ping invited him to participate in Ye Qin’s scientific research during his lifetime. But Gu Ping secretly used Ye Qin’s research results to combine the genes of unknown giant beasts to create the ‘zero’ dragon-shaped creature. Between the intelligent dragon-shaped creatures and an extraterrestrial giant beast that evolved by devouring everything in their path, an urban war is about to break out.”

This one came out in China in 2021, but it’s just now available to the US — for FREE, no less. For completists, this was originally called, Alien Beast Battlefield. I’m on the fence as to which title I most prefer, though if it were up to me, I’d name it Dragon-Shaped Creature.

ROTTEN, WELCOME TO THE FREAK SHOW / Out now (VOD)

“A young boy with a skin disease is bullied by classmates before being attacked and left for dead. Rescued by a side show ringmaster the legend of Rotten is born. As the past surfaces, Rotten plots his revenge.”

Is this the kid of the Elephant Man? If so, wonder who the mom was and how many cocktail peanuts E-Man had to get her loaded on to make trunk happen?

THE HIGHGATE VAMPYRE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

Documentary filmmakers investigate reports of a bloodsucker at Highgate Cemetery in North London. While filming at the graveyard, they witness paranormal activity and encounter the legendary Vampyre of Highgate.”

They encounter the same guy the movie is named after? What are the odds?

FRENZY MOON / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Six college students and one mysterious stranger spend a terrifying night battling a pack of werewolves in an isolated cabin.”

This one’s being described as John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) meets The Howling (1981). Still, I liked this better when it was called Dog Soldiers (2002).

Aliens Assemble, Djinn Squatter, Ninja Kaiju

As mashups go, the upcoming Aliens vs. Avengers looks to be right up there with Godzilla vs. Kong…but in Marvel™ comic book form and not in real life, like Godzilla and Kong smacking the box office outta each other. And while you think Hulk or Thor could simply squash an alien like an extraterrestrial ant, think again — the Xenomorphs now have brand-new bugging abilities. Yeah, I’m droolin’.

From Marvel’s™ press release: “It’s all led to this: Xenomorphs reach Earth! The perfect organism meets a planet of superhumans. Who will be first to fall?” As teased by writer Johnathan Hickman, “Probably one of the coolest things about the project is how we’ve found really fun ways to ‘Avengerize’ Aliens and ‘alien-up’ Avengers. I think fans will be surprised at how elegantly some of those things fit together. It really turned out to be a chocolate-and-peanut-butter situation.”

I like chocolate and peanut butter, together AND separate, which means I’ll be Johnny on the spot to buy Aliens vs. Avengers #1, which by the way arrives in comic book stores on July 24, 2024. So while you join me in line (no cuts, though), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not bug you… 

THE FINAL EXORCIST / Out now (VOD)

“A priest must face the demon of his past and overcome the fear that holds him back to save the soul of a new victim.”

Isn’t this the plot of every exorcist-themed movie ever made? P.S. This is a short film. The Devil was probably on the clock, what with his “souls to-do” list.

THE CURSED LAND / July 11, 2024 (VOD)

“A widower and his daughter travel’s to Thailand’s deep south to seek help from a Muslim doctor after unleashing a Djinn in a rundown house.”

They should wait this one out — Djinn have high living standards and will likely move to a non-fixer-upper or a turn-key.

WAR OF THE NINJA MONSTERS: JARON VS. GOURA / July 2024 (Blu-ray, VOD)

“Two men, tired from work, visit the town of Chichibu to enjoy exploring caves, their favorite hobby. But little do they know, the town has been secretly protected by the descendants of the righteous Shinobi ninja since the Sengoku period. The two unlucky friends accidentally break a spell that awakens two colossal beasts, Jaron and Goura. The area’s rival clans manipulate them into a fierce battle, bringing chaos to the area. But a righteous female ninja steps up, wanting to stop the destruction and restore the seal. Can she defeat the evil ninjas that stand in her way before Chichibu is completely destroyed by two kaiju?”

Who needs a heavily-armed military force to battle two kaiju and adding to the massive collateral damage when all it takes is a righteous female ninja? Don’t scoff in disbelief — ninjas, female or otherwise, are highly-skilled at Taijutsu (unarmed combat), Kenjutsu (sword techniques), Shurikenjutsu (throwing weapons techniques), and have killer moves on the dance floor. 

A SOUTHERN HORROR / December 2024 (VOD)

“A Southern Horror unfurls as a dark journey through the haunted landscape of the American South, where Adelaide, tough but broken by her past, finds herself entangled in a web of sinister events and supernatural dread. Adelaide’s story weaves together with the three individual stories she collects, blending supernatural horror with raw human emotion set against a backdrop of haunted Southern landscapes.”

There’s lots of supernatural goings-on in the American South, like the infamously haunted Sweetwater Mansion, once featured on the TV show, Paranormal State, The Tombigbee River, which is haunted by the ghost ship Eliza Battle, and Gaineswood, a plantation house, haunted by the ghost of a former housekeeper. Her ghost plays the piano in the music room. She takes requests, but don’t ask her to play “Sweet Caroline”...unless you’re prepared for sinister ramifications.

Taking A Stab At Halloween, A Dose of Hell, Dueling Monsters

What’s better than watching people get knifed up the wazoo by Halloween’s horror icon Michael Myers? Reading about people getting knifed up the wazoo by Halloween’s horror icon Michael Myers. (I looked it up — wazoo is a real word…and you probably don’t wanna know what it means.) And few are better suited to the horror readable word than Printed In Blood™, who is offering Halloween: Illustrated, a 200+ page illustrated hardcover novel all about wazoo knifings. 

From the website: “Printed In Blood™ is VERY proud to present the ORIGINAL Halloween movie tie-in novelization, reprinted in full here for the first time in over 40 years! In addition, it has been fully illustrated throughout with nearly a hundred brand-new Illustrations created just for this release by the vector genius, Orlando ‘Mexifunk’ Arocena. This 224-page volume is bursting with both classic and gorgeous new artistic visions of the John Carpenter 1978 horror classic.”

So while everyone else except me looks up “wazoo” (click this) and orders the $50 Halloween: Illustrated novelization for $50.00 (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as painful as being knifed up the wazoo…

CURSED / Out now (Spain), Release pending US 2024 (VOD)

“The lives of six girls are connected through a doll called Molly, whose existence dates back to 1976, when she appeared among the rubble of the great fire of the San Carlos orphanage in northern Spain.”

In 1989, piano pop personality Billy Joel had a Grammy™-awarded hit with “We Didn’t Start The Fire”, insisting that him and the band were non-culpable for a myriad of arson cases. So who, then, was behind the San Carlos great fire? Billy Joel.

HELLDOSE / Out now (VOD, DVD, Blu-ray)

“Accompany our hostess Larissa Anzoategui (the director herself) on an experience through several layers of Hell and vengeance as she serves up terrible and delicious taboo secrets from beyond the mortal realm in this dazzling anthology of erotic and comic indie horror that was partially inspired by the Cthulhu Mythos.”

Not seeing the point here as all taboo secrets are delicious. Taboos taste like potato chips. And like potato chips, you can’t have just one.

FOR SALE / May 7, 2024 (VOD)

“Mason McGinness has always been good at two things: selling himself, and finding ways to cheat people into buying when they shouldn’t. One day, his brazen swindling catches up with him and he finds himself fired from his job and kicked to the curb by his ex-girlfriend. Mason finds a small realty company that needs someone to sell a piece of property that is considered ‘unsellable’. The catch? It is the infamous Scarlett Clay House — a haunted property where anyone who inhabits it ends up dead. Now, with the help of a quirky psychic, Mason must find his humanity to get his life back…or die trying.”

Mason sounds like more like a bartender than a realtor.

WILD EYED AND WICKED / June 11, 2024 (VOD)

“In her attempt to strike back at the medieval creature that’s haunted her family for generations, Lily Pierce must reconnect with her estranged father, Gregory, a disgraced history professor, and learn how to draw upon a time of steel and blade when armor-clad knights rode out and dueled monsters to the death.”

Armor-clad knight riding out to duel monsters to the death is what I put on my job résumé — and was offered the night shift manager position at 7-Eleven™.

Demon Dogs, Spank Monster, Musical Werewolves

In the 1984 mega-hit movie Ghostbusters, Dana Barrett and Louis Tully were turned into demon dogs — Zuul and Vinz Clortho. But you already knew that as everyone in the world has seen Ghostbusters and its four sequels at least a dozen times each. (Not the Ghostbusters remake from 2016, though — that thing sucked ectoplasm.)

And now, thanks to Spirit Halloween™ — the Hustler Superstore™ of all things Halloween — you can get a life-sized Zuul Terror Dog to put on the porch and scare the Hersheys™ out of annoying trick-or-treaters this All Hallow’s Eve. And because kids pounding on your door, threatening violence and/or a one-star rating on social media if you don’t give them heart-healthy candy, you’ll gladly shell out the Terror Dog’s staggering $599.99 retail price.

The only info about the Zuul Terror Dog on Spirit Halloween’s™ website is that the item is considered oversized and will require an additional shipping fee. However, they don’t tell you how much this dog weighs or even what it’s made of. It could be plastic, latex, carbon something or rather, or inter-dimensional marshmallow. (You got that joke, right?) Regardless, just the pre-shipping price alone is a walletbuster. P.S. They don’t ship to Canada. If price is no object, then click here to get the Zuul Terror Dog…and hope it’s housebroken.

So while we all look at cheaper alternatives when it comes to purchasing paranormal pups, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the Hersheys™ outta you…

EARTHQUAKE UNDERGROUND / Out now (Tubi™)

“A massive quake submerges a hotel. A young architect must overcome all odds to save his pregnant diabetic girlfriend before the structure collapses.”

Given its current state, you can probably get a good deal on rooms. Not any with a view, though.

NYCTOPHOBIA / April 22, 2024 (UK), Release pending 2024 US (VOD)

“A found footage horror film in which twin sisters and their friend are trapped in a supernatural blackout.”

A supernatural blackout is just another term for passed out drunk.

THIS NEVER HAPPENED / April 26, 2024 (Tubi™)

“While staying at her boyfriend’s childhood home with him and his friends, a young woman experiences terrifying visions of a violent spirit.”

And that violent spirit in the childhood home was called…The Spanker.

WEREWOLF SERENADE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)
“A burnt-out college professor accidentally becomes a lycanthrope. He and his concert cellist wife Julia embrace the change to thwart an evil occultist plot, save the college, and their marriage.”

Werewolves playing violins. There’s always room for cello.

X-Rated Werewolf, Yeti Puppet, Space Snake

Werewolf By Night fans — lift your Nair™ martinis in unison…Marvel Comics™ is rebooting Werewolf by Night with a brand new red band comic book series. And if you don’t know the reference, red band means explicit content. (I have a birthmark that says that.) This is fantastic news for fans of hyper-graphic gore and the heavy metal enthusiasm it takes to embody said gore.

As reported by Bloody-Digusting.com™, “Labeled with a Parental Advisory and poly-bagged to keep those weak of heart from experiencing its intensity, Werewolf by Night will mark a new chapter in the character’s 50-year storytelling history as Jack gets his claws, fangs, and fur blood-soaked like never before!” Bold statements from the comic book creators promise “a book full of intense action and lots of blood.” Just reading that made my mouth water all over my stylish Old Navy™ shirt.

So while we rewatch the Disney+™ Werewolf By Night movie (black and white/color) and the arrival of Werewolf By Night #1 on August 14, 2024, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stain your Old Navy™ clothing…

REFUGE / April 19, 2024 (Limited Theaters, VOD)

Sergeant Rick Pedroni returns home to his wife changed and dangerous after suffering an attack by a mysterious force during combat in Afghanistan on his tour of duty.”

Probably dysentery.

THE PRIMEVALS / August 7, 2024 (Blu-ray, VOD)

“Deep in the Himalayas, a group of Sherpas subdue and kill a towering humanoid creature. Its remains — including a brain that appears to have undergone some kind of surgery — wind up under the supervision of Dr. Claire Collier, who believes it to be one of the legendary Yeti. Joined by her former student Matt Connor, a longtime believer in the creatures’ existence, big-game hunter Rondo Montana, and others, Dr. Collier leads an expedition into the mountains to track down more of the abominable snowmen. Their trek results in an encounter with a tribe of primitive hominids — which in turn leads to the far more frightening discovery of beings they never could have expected or imagined.”

Couple ‘o things — this project has been in the works for 20 years. The Australian Blu-ray version (Full Moon™ will come out with its own) comes with two different cuts of the stop-motion film and a feature-length documentary, as well as a bunch of extras, none of which includes a coherent plot. 

SSSSSTONER SNAKE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Golimar, an alien from the Planet Scumdoggia, happens to have the appearance of a snake. When his ship crash lands on Terra 420, after an altercation with space police, he searches for a way to get back home. During his adventure, Golimar stumbles upon a man smoking marijuana, who blows the smoke in his face. This unfortunately mutates his DNA, which causes him to become a bloodthirsty killer.”

Did the snake-face alien really mutate or was it just the mind-altering effects of the jazz cabbage? In this context, this isn’t a gateway drug — it’s a Stargateway drug.

TEDDISCARE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A young man spirals into insanity after his father’s death. He lapses into childish nightmares that bring his fears to adult life. The mind can be deadly, but toys can be killer.”

My childhood nightmares already came true. Turning 21, I freely forfeited my soul and journeyed into the Tug Tavern, aka, the Seventh Layer of Hell. It’s here after you choke down a freshness-expired hot dog covered in condiments in plastic packs shoplifted from a bowling alley, you make your way to the bathroom. And this is where you’ll hear great sorrow moanings and gnashing of teeth coming from within the toilet stall portal-potties. At this point consider yourself biblically unredeemable.

Countrified Godzilla, Eco-Witches, Fat Vampires

With those iconic spiky dorsal plates on his back and a whipping tail that can demo old casinos in Vegas to make room for shiny new ones, the 393 foot tall Godzilla’s reptilian visage is one befitting the King of the Monsters. Designed by Teizō Toshimitsu and Akira Watanabe (under Eiji Tsuburaya’s supervision) 70 years ago, the Godzilla suit — now designed by computers — is globally brand-recognized and is right up there with Coca-Cola™, Iron Maiden™ and Jesus™. But what if Godzilla didn’t originate in Japan but in other countries? Would he look the same as he does now? Thanks to AI, we can see the design interpretations of algorithms.

Up top is how AI thinks Godzilla would look if he was from Afghanistan, followed by hygienically-suspect countries as Indonesia, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Lebanon and other places that may or may not have access to a 7-Eleven™.

There are many more admittedly stunning examples of AI-designed Godzilla in different countries on YouTube™. While anyone with a keyboard can do it, I tried an AI engine to design my own Godzilla if he was a customer at the Tug Tavern. The result was so horrifyingly accurate, I dare not show it here. Not because I don’t want to show it off, but that it looks exactly like every customer in the joint — myself included.

So while we leave Godzilla looking just like he is, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature a monster as visually disturbing as a Tug Tavern customer… 

TERROR ZONE / Out now (Blu-ray, VOD)

“During the 2020 lock-down, it’s not the pandemic that poses the greatest danger in the five bizarre stories that make up this edgy, humorous, and utterly bonkers Italian horror anthology, which gleefully includes serial killers, flesh-eating sex workers and environmentalist witches.”

They had me at flesh-eating sex workers. They lost me at environmentalist witches.

REGINALD THE VAMPIRE SEASON 2 / May 8, 2024 (SyFy™ Channel)

“In the second season, Reginald Andres finally got his life together when he was turned into a vampire. While he doesn’t fit into the stereotypical expectations of what a vampire looks like — he’s not chiseled or classically handsome — Reginald has found his place amongst an unlikely cohort that includes the cool vampire who sired him, the former vampire chieftain turned unexpected ally (or is she?), and his co-worker/former girlfriend.”

Reginald Andres is described as an “overweight vampire.” Blood has about 700 calories per liter and there are five liters in the average adult human body. So this suggests Reginald’s blood belly is a byproduct of excessive drinking. I may have more in common with a fat vampire than originally thought.

KARATE GHOST 2: DOJO OF DEATH / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“He’s back, back, back again. Time for Karate Ghost to rise to the challenge of tormenting the tournament. Will Nick Laser manage to save the day again? Or will Black Belt Joe Karate the town red with blood?”

A ghost with karate skills. This sequel is said to be overflowing with “cheesy gore.” Sounds like they’re describing the Chuck E. Cheese™ Spicy BBQ Piggy Pizza™ with five-cheese topping.

DEATH WEB / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A live streamer and an occult expert embark on a journey into the dark unknown that transcends the boundaries of the living and the dead.”

If I encountered the occult in the dark unknown, I’d do live streaming — in my pants.

Splattered Clothes, Earth vs. Asteroid, Ghost Mansion

MiddleofBeyond.com™, one of my favorite online horror/sci-fi apparel/gift stores, just introduced their Dario Argento Collection, featuring coats, flannel shirts, button-ups, and even boxer shorts (aka, underwear), all emblazoned with doomed characters from his groundbreaking horror films, Demons, Suspiria, Zombie: Dawn of the Dead and Phenomena. And hey, nothing screams fashion like a Demons Reversible Jacket. Priced at $139.00, you can afford to scream.

But Argento isn’t the only curated clothing collection offered by MiddleofBeyond.com™ — there’s Halloween (cardigans, wallets, Christmas ornaments, sweaters, etc), Killer Klowns From Outer Space (very stylish short sleeve button-ups), and Godzilla, with rugs, Sherpa collar jackets, flannel shirts and, sadly, the Mothra Reversible Jacket. The reason I say that is because the jacket is sold out. That’s okay, the coat’s light pink/dark pink color scheme doesn’t match my season. The dark turquoise green/black Mothra jacket is still available, though.

So while we click this and explore more reasons to fill our closets with horror happiness (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not match your season… 

ABADDON’S PIT / Out now (YouTube™)

“Dave blames himself for the death of his wife Samara. He moves to the abandoned family farm to recover. There, he connects with his cousin Gareth. When they find a bottomless pit that changes everything that enters it, they become obsessed with its secrets.”

If you wanna see a bottomless pit, just look into a beer bottle (harder to do with cans). You will become obsessed with its secrets.

GOODBYE EARTH / April 26, 2024 (Netflix™)

“Goodbye Earth depicts people living in chaos ahead of the predicted apocalypse, 200 days until the Earth and an asteroid collide.

In Korea they call this Jongmalui Babo, which was changed from The Fool At the End of the World. This was the title of the novel the movie’s based on. Also, this is a series, so you can expect to see a LOT of screaming and crying, as well as rampant crime and violence. Sounds like a typical Tug Tavern Happy Hour.

CLAWFACE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A group of friends, a duo of quirky park rangers, a frisky couple and a pirate DJ unknowingly set off a series of bloody murders when they enter the woods of local legend, Clawface — a hulking madman who was left for dead after a bear attack in his youth.”

So, does Clawface even need to own a shaving razor? 

CAMPTON MANOR / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Teddy, an author and spiritualist specializes in the horror genre and his career is based on investigating haunted houses and creating novelized versions bases on his experiences. A surprising warning in a previous investigation has led him to research and investigate the notorious Campton Ball incident which took place on New Year’s Eve many decades before. An incident that concluded with the unexplained deaths of everyone in attendance. On the anniversary of the tragedy, he spends the night in the abandoned manor only to find that his unique talents to see the dead have allowed him to become a part of the original event. A talent that will either solve the mystery or drive him completely mad.”

I liked this better when it was called The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966).

Space Plans, Evil Talk, Civil War Skinwalker

Had he not died in 1978, filmmaker Edward D. Wood, Jr. — who wrote, directed and produced what is universally called the “worst film in the history of cinema” — would’ve turned 100 years old this year. Ironically, that movie — Plan 9 From Outer Space (1957) — would outlast its critics and only add to Wood’s legacy as the movie is considered a treasured cult classic. And now, on the anniversary of Ed Wood’s birthday, Plan 9 From Outer Space is being novelized. Crossing fingers it has pictures and/or whimsical illustrations.

Here’s the plan: “Encyclopocalypse™ has announced that it will issue mass market and trade paperback editions, along with an e-book, of its Plan 9 From Outer Space novelization on October 10, 2024, which would have been Edward D. Wood Jr.’s 100th birthday. The adaptation of Wood’s famous/infamous sci-fi/horror cheapie featuring Bela Lugosi, Tor Johnson, Vampira, paper-plate flying saucers and more was written by Bret Nelson, who reveals such shocking facts as a real-life scientific explanation of Solaronite, all Plan 9 plot holes patched with meticulously crafted connective tissue, and…THE OTHER PLANS!”

A thorough investigation on my part (clicking the mouse) reveals that Plan 9 From Outer Space: The Novelization will sell for a reasonable $12.00, while the movie can be rented on Vudu.com™ for a wallet-stopping $2.00 (Or you can buy it for $4.99). U.S. preorders for the print editions and international pre-orders for the e-book are available now at Encyclopocalypse’s™ website (click here). International preorders for the paperbacks will be available soon at assorted on-line booksellers.

So while we contemplate the social implications of a Plan 10 From Outer Space, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be front-runners for the worst film in the history of cinema…

LUMBERJACK THE MONSTER / Out now Japan / Release pending 2024 (Netflix™)

“Akira Ninomiya is a remorseless lawyer who doesn’t hesitate to eliminate anyone standing in his way. One night he is brutally attacked by an assailant wearing a monster mask. Although he miraculously survives the assault, Ninomiya becomes fixated on finding the attacker and getting revenge. Meanwhile, a series of gruesome murders occur where the victims are found with their brains removed from their bodies. While police conduct an intensive investigation, Ninomiya seeks revenge against the assaulter. Who will uncover the truth first?”

This one’s from Takashi Miike, the guy who did Audition (1999), Ichi the Killer (2001), Gozu (2003), and the Dead or Alive trilogy. More fun facts: Miike has directed over 100 movies and also plays as an actor in 20+ more. His signature film style? Extreme graphic violence. Those are important ingredients when making quality movies.

SPEAK NO EVIL / September 13, 2024 (Theaters)

American couple Louise and Ben Dalton, along with their 11 year-old daughter Agnes, accept the weekend-holiday invitation of Paddy, his wife Ciara and their furtive, mute son Ant. What begins as a dream holiday soon warps into a snarled psychological nightmare.”

This is a remake of the 2022 Danish horror hit, Speak No Evil. And get this — it has the same title! What are the stinkin’ odds?

DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY / Release pending 2024 (Netflix™)

“After visiting a crime scene, an ambitious and insensitive tabloid crime photographer falls victim to a mysterious illness that makes him lose his five senses one by one.”

And those five senses would be Nonsense, Commonsense, Horse Sense, Incense, and Frankincense. Fun fact: There is a sixth sense, one where you can see ghosts. They should make a movie out of that.

A TOWN CALLED PURGATORY / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“In the haunting aftermath of the Civil War, principled Yankee lawman Beau Riffen joins forces with Cody Parnum, a tormented ex-Confederate tracker. Their quest to apprehend notorious train robbers leads them to Purgatory, a town eerily deserted. Amidst the silence, they cross paths with a lone trapper and a prisoner harboring secrets who whispers of an ancient menace. As the shadows of Purgatory tighten, an impending confrontation with Yee Naaldlooshii — The Skinwalker — beckons, testing bonds of trust and humanity in their gripping fight for survival.”

Not to be confused with 1999’s Purgatory, also set back in the dusty western days. In that one an outlaw band rides into a town that is actually Purgatory, a place between Heaven and Hell. The bible might call it Purgatory, but I call it the Tug Tavern.