Archive for September, 2010

Giant Dragons vs. Giant Snakes

Posted in Giant Monsters with tags on September 30, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dragon WarsAugust, 2007: Dragon Wars: D-Wars (yeesh, that’s redundant), a Korean movie about giant dragons and snakes returning from the past to crush buildings like so many bags of potato chips, was a smash hit at the box office, making over $75 million snakeskins.

December, 1953: “The Big Snake” appeared in the Tales of Horror #8 comic book. It sold for .25 cents a copy and made considerably less than $75 million.

The Big Snake

Judging from the art direction, Dragon Wars owes some royalties, due to RIPPING OFF Tales of Horror. Did Korea think we wouldn’t remember that far back? OK, I can’t remember what I drank for breakfast – but I can remember my comic books. I’m about ready to call the Justice Department for some action on this matter.

I sent an e-mail to Korea, which I have yet to get a reply. Note to East Asia: I don’t care if you can make products at less than one-third of what it would cost to make it here in the States – I will not rest.

The Big Snake was a story about just that, a big snake getting loose in Manhattan, baffling scientists and flicking its tongue at the military’s attempts to turn it into one million pair of boots. Pretty cool for five decades ago.

Dragon Wars was a cool giant monster movie, but not a good giant monster story. Observe…

Dragon Wars

About a half-thousand years ago a young Korean girl wakes up to find she has a Yeouijoo inside her. Hold your jokes – this means when she’s ripe, she has to be sacrificed to the Good Imoogi. Sucks to be her. A guardian sent from Heaven is supposed to protect her, but all he wants to do is smooch upon her pre-sacrificial face. So when the Dark Imoogi – led by that dickhead Buraki – comes to get the chick, the guardian and the sacri-girl jump off a cliff, killing themselves in the process. This way blows as she was supposed to sacrificed the procedural way to allow for the return of yackety-yack, yack, yack.

Leapfrog 500 years into today’s modern society where sacrifices are usually done on the internet. The reincarnated souls of the lovers turn up as a hot chick and a handsome TV news guy. But Buraki is also back, trying to sacrifice the chick first so the Dark Imoogi can turn into a giant dragon before the Good Imoogi does. What is with those two anyway?

Buraki unleashes a horde of army guys that emulate the look, style and feel of Orcs from Lord of the Rings. These guys have dragon elephants with surface-to-air missile launchers affixed to their backs. Also included is a fleet of gargoyle dragons and a snake dragon that measures the size of several football fields.

Dragon WarsThe backstory of why everybody is doing what they’re doing is the stuff used to make hot air balloons float. The dragon special effects, though, are ridiculously incredible. The way that snake chases the reincarnated lovebirds through the city and up to a rooftop will fill your face with happiness. If you saw Transformers, this downtown fight ranks up there with those rock ’em and/or sock ’em robots.

The final scene pits the bad snake dragon against the good snake dragon for a war that’s biblical in its epicnicity. (I’m campaigning to have that word added to the dictionary. Won’t you help me?) They could’ve lost me at any point the dragons started to look fake. But that never happened. Also what I never thought would happen is me rooting for the Dark Imoogi. I learn something new about myself every day.

Regardless of my choice of teams, Dragon Wars was a fun face feast. Watch it and then call me up (not really) to tell me what a damn Good Imoogi I am.

P.S. Old comic books rule.

Monster Nap Time Buddies

Posted in Classic Horror with tags on September 28, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stuffed Scares

Screw you, Rubber Ducky™. Piss off, Care Bear™. F*ck off and die, Big Bird™. There’s some new stuffed toys in town – and this crib ain’t big enough for all of you.

The uber cool Sideshow Collectibles, Inc. – normally known for their killer horror/sci-fi models with detailing so sick, it’ll make you sick – is offering up four limited edition/7” horror icon stuffed figures made by Funko™ for only $9.99 each. These are licensed by Universal, who owns the copyright DNA of  The Wolf Man™, The Creature™, Frankenstein’s Monster™ and The Mummy™. But when you need a comforting snuggle mate, legalities are the last thing on your mind.

If you’re as butter-knife sharp as me, you probably noticed there is no Dracula™ or “vampire” plush toy. That would certainly round out the gang. Not sure why they didn’t do one. Maybe everyone over at Funko was drunk during a staff meeting and spaced it. (I bet those guys drink malt liquor out of a 40-ounce can.)


If none of these look cuddly enough to take a nap with, try the 13” Godzilla™ plush action figure from Entertainment Earth™. Not only is it licensed, it’s $24.99. A higher price means higher quality. (I wonder if this thing shoots orange and yellow cotton out of it’s mouth to simulate Godzilla’s radioactive breath?)

Click HERE to get The Wolf Man, Creature From The Black Lagoon, The Mummy, and Frankenstein’s Monster plush toys.

Click HERE to get a soft and fuzzy Godzilla to augment your stylish matching pillows and duvet cover.

How To Become A Zombie

Posted in Zombies with tags on September 27, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie MeIt’s a drag when you want to be a zombie, but don’t really wanna to die and come back to life. For starters, you have to show up to work tomorrow. That, and there’s the whole “flesh rotting off” thing. Something like that can be a real deal breaker while on a romantic feel-up date.

But what if you could turn yourself into a zombie and not have all the unsavory, leaking side-effects? You’re probably thinking, “sign me up!” That’s EXACTLY what you’ll have to do to become one of the undead.

Go to [click HERE], tell them what your gender is (male, female, other) and what kind of zombie you are (bloody, pretty, sexy…sounds like a Red Hot Chili Peppers album title). Then click ZOMBIE ME!

You’ll need to download software into a computer to complete your transformation into the living dead. Two things: it’s free, and secondly, pick a photo of you wearing a nice shirt. Once zombi-fied, pop on over to [click HERE] to get yourself some sweet zombie kicks to go with your new makeover. You’ll look drop dead attractive. Heh.

Who says you have to be alive to be stylin’?

Zombie Shoes

Werewolf Haiku

Posted in Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , on September 26, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Werewolf Haiku

According to Japan, a haiku is a Japanese poem, consisting of 17 moras (syllables, for all of you with a G.E.D.). This poetry is done in 5, 7 and 5 moras, respectively. (The only classical poetry I know is of the “Girl from Nantucket series.”)

Imagine how cool it would be to apply this worded art form to, say, vampires, zombies and werewolves. Well, hey – you don’t have to, as all three have already been done. Conceived and written by Ryan Mecum, a self-professed werewolf fan (zombies and vampires, too) and a graduate of the University of Cincinnati with a degree in English Literature.

I love it when smart guys turn out to be smart asses.

Here’s a sample from Werewolf Haikus (now available at by clicking HERE)…

My hairbrush is gross
filled with knots of hair and twigs
and maybe some veins

If you think tacos
are hard for you to digest
try passing chipmunks

The “Three Pigs” story–
a wolf screaming, “Let me in!”
Seems applicable

Brilliant. And that’s just to heat up the meal. You can get all three of Mecum’s books for $9.99 each.

Zombie & Vampire Haiku

While I wait for you to go buy ’em, here’s a few more bits, both from Mecum’s Zombie Haiku and Vampire Haiku books…

You are so lucky
that I cannot remember
how to use door knobs

Different blood types
each have a unique flavor
I’m a fan of O

Drunken Zombie Film Festival

Posted in Misc. Horror, Zombies with tags , on September 25, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Drunken Zombie

If there was ever a reason to move to Peoria, Illinois, the annual Drunken Zombie Film Festival, held this year November 5-7 at the surprisingly clean Peoria Theater, is it. Oh sure, there’s the 123rd Annual Santa Claus Parade. (Plus: It’s the longest running holiday parade in the country. Minus: It’s the longest running holiday parade in the country.) Then you have the seasonal Octoberfest, with live entertainment at the Kickapoo Creek Winery. (The Kickapoo kicks ass.) And let us not forget the Peoria Riverfront Market, which has the best selection of fresh produce and local meats. But for my money, it’s the Drunken Zombie Film Festival that the Peoria Chamber of Commerce should be running up the tourist flag pole.

Among the “must-see” screenings this year is Eel Girl (I bet she’s hard to hug), Night of the Hell Hamsters (best movie title ever), and the tentacled monster epic, Outpost Doom (tentacles = win).

Here’s a sampling of what you can expect after you get all hopped up on a bottle or two of Kickapoo’s Nookeenay Meskwaai, a savory blend of three of cold hardy grape strains: Norton, Frontenac and Chambourcin. (The small amount of sugar balances the acid resulting in a smooth finish)…

When a trio of sexy city gals picks up a broken-down hillbilly in the backwoods of Virginia – the three kittens get A LOT more than they bargained for when they accept the drifter’s invitation to a down-home barbecue. What these lovely ladies don’t know just may hurt ’em – when they find that the menu of this hayseed hoe-down isn’t the standard “burgers and dogs.”

A man’s thirst for a frozen beverage leads to chaos on a lonely desert highway.

On a dark and stormy night, a young couple fool around with the occult and find themselves fighting for their lives against demonic possessed hamsters from Hell!

In a secure Military laboratory a scientist has become obsessed with the half human/half eel creature he’s studying. When she beckons to him to her, it’s the call of a siren. Eel Girl is a provocative and unsettling science fiction/horror short film that combines stunning visuals with the dark and visceral undertones of H.P. Lovecraft.

Drunken ZombieOUTPOST DOOM
Two escaped cons, running from a horrific tentacled monster, seek refuge inside an enormous barn. Once inside, they discover a decapitated corpse and a group of strangers who are highly suspicious of their presence. It doesn’t take long before people start dying in vicious ways. Someone is not who they appear to be. Meanwhile, the tentacled monster is trying to find its way inside.

Dr. Ben Jacobs saved the world. The drug he created allowed mankind to fight back against the Z-virus, which nearly destroyed civilization entirely. Now, in the aftermath of the crisis, he’s trying to cure the last victims of the virus. But what will happen when he brings his mysterious work home?

After a tragic act of violence cuts short her music career, Kate Stone is returning to a city full of ex-fans and ex-friends. Taking shelter with her last friend, the two women work to restore the aging courtyard apartment building Robyn has inherited. But a terrible secret infests the venerable structure, and soon Kate will be haunted by horrific dreams, sinister apparitions, and the sounds of something moving in the walls. She will be dragged into a confrontation not only with her own dark past, but the unspeakable nightmare that lurks beyond the walls!

FYI: is running a special to Peoria – 4 days and three nights at the fabulous two-star Super 8 Peoria Il Motel (located near the fascinating Lakeview Museum) and airfare on American Airlines™ for only $489 per person. Before you scoff, remember, this is drunken zombies we’re talkin’ about. Do what you gotta do to make this happen.

Elvira: Back on the Boob Tube

Posted in Misc. Horror, TV Vixens with tags on September 24, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

ElviraAs reported back in Drinkin’ & Drive-in blog post #13 (June 21, 2010 if you need it for your Wiki), Elvira, the legendary hostess of Movie Macabre, announced her weekly return to prime time after 20 years (give or take) on Saturay, September 25. Even as she approaches 60 (she just celebrated her 59th B-day on September 17), Elvira/Cassandra Peterson, is still smokin’ hot, still magnificently fills out her split-level Goth horror gown, and is still ready with the razor-sharp Valley Girl-type quips and comments through an endless array of brain-deadening horror movies.

“I owe it all to an industrial-strength bra that made me the D-sized queen of B-movies,” said Elvira in an interview regarding her enduring pop culture status three years ago with a magazine I can’t remember as I was under some sort of mind-control by the photo of her epic cleavage.

You can rent Elvira’s shows on Netflix™ or watch a bunch of ’em free on I recommend both. For late-comers, tune into one of these stations below to watch Elvira every Saturday night this Fall/Winter.

So what’s the first movie Elvira puts on the glass to re-launch her show? The equally iconic Night of the Living Dead (1968). They should re-title it, Night of the Living Bra.

Elvira Albany-Schenectady WNYA SAT 12:30 AM

Albuquerque KWBQ/KASY SAT 12:30 AM

Anchorage KYES SAT 10:00 PM

Atlanta WATL SAT 12:00 AM


Austin KNVA SAT 12:00 AM

Austin KCWX.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Bakersfield KUVI SAT 12:00 AM

Baltimore WBFF.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Baton Rouge WVLA.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Birmingham WVUA FRI 1:00 AM


Boston WHDH FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Burlington-Plattsburgh WPTZ.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Cedar Rapids KWKB TBA TBA

Champaign WBVI.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Charleston – Huntington WSAZ.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Charlotte WMYT SAT 12:30 AM

Chattanooga WTVC.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Chicago WCIU SAT 3:00 AM

Cincinnati WKRC SAT 3:00 AM

Cleveland WUAB.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Colorado Springs KKTV/KKTV-DT2 SUN 1:00 PM

Columbia, SC WZRB SAT 12:00 AM

Columbus, OH WWHO FRI 3:00 AM

Corpus Christi KTOV SAT 9:00 PM


Dallas WFFA.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Davenport WBQD SAT 10:00 PM

Dayton WRGT.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Des Moines KDMI.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Detroit WDIV FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Dothan WDFX SAT 2:00 AM

El Paso KDBC.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Elmira WETM/EETM SAT 10:00 PM

Eugene KEVU SUN 8:00 PM

Evansville WAZE SAT 12:00 AM


Flint WNEM-DT2 SAT 12:00 AM

Fresno KMPH.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Ft. Myers – Naples WFTX SAT 12:30 AM

Ft. Smith KFDF.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Green Bay WIWB SAT 3:00 AM

Greensboro – H. Point WGHP SAT 3:00 AM

Greenville – N. Bern WCTI.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

GSA WNEG.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Harlingen – Weslaco XHRIO/KSFE SUN 2:00 AM

Harrisburg-Lancaster WGAL.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Hartford & New Haven WTIC.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Honolulu NHON SUN 2:00 AM

Houston KIAH SAT 2:00 AM

Huntsville – Decatur WTZT SAT 9:00 PM


Indianapolis WTTV/WXIN.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Jackson, MS WRBJ SAT 10:00 PM

Jacksonville WCWJ WED 2:00 AM SAT 2:00 AM (OPT)

Kansas City WDAF SAT 2:00 AM

Knoxville WVLT/WVLT-DT2

Lansing WSYM SAT 2:00 AM

Las Vegas KVVU SAT 2:30 AM

Lexington WTVQ-DT2 SAT 11:00 PM

Little Rock KARZ SAT 12:00 AM

Los Angeles KDOC SAT 12:00 AM

Louisville WYCS SAT 1:00 AM

Macon WPGA SAT 5:00 PM

Madison ETVW SUN 1:00 AM

Memphis WMC.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Milwaukee WMLW SAT 12:00 AM

Minneapolis KSTC.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Mobile WFNA SAT 12:00 AM

Montgomery WCOV.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Myrtle Beach-Florence WMBF.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Nashville WTVF.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

New Orleans WUPL SAT 12:00 AM

New York WPIX.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Norfolk – Portsmouth WSKY SUN 2:00 AM

Omaha KXVO SAT 7:00 PM

Orlando – Daytona WKCF/WESH SAT 12:00 AM

Panama City WJHG TBA TBA

Parkersburg WTAP TBA TBA

Peoria WAOE SAT 1:00 AM

Philadelphia WPHL.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Phoenix KAZT SAT 3:00 AM

Pittsburgh WTAE.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM


Providence WPRI/WNAC/WNAC.2 SAT OR SUN 2:00 PM

Raleigh-Durham WRAC.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM


Reno KRNV.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Richmond-Petersburg WUPV SUN 1:00 AM

Rochester NY WHAM/EHAM SAT 10:00 PM

Rochester- Mason-Austin KIMT-DT2 SAT 11:00 PM

Sacramento KQCA SAT 2:00 AM

Salt Lake City KCSG SAT 12:00 AM

San Antonio KCWX SAT 1:00 AM

San Diego XETV SAT 11:00 PM

San Francisco KFTY SUN 2:00 PM

San Francisco KOFY SAT 1:00 AM

Savannah WGSA SAT 11:00 PM

Seattle KVOS SAT 10:00 PM

Shreveport KSLA.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Sioux Falls KCPO TBA TBA

South Bend WCWW SAT 12:00 AM

Spokane KAYU.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Springfield, MO KRBK

St. Louis WRBU SAT 12:00 AM

Syracuse WSYR SAT 12:00 AM

Tampa WTTA SAT 9:00 PM

Toledo WMNT SAT 10:00 PM SUN 12:00 AM

Tucson KTTU SAT 12:00 AM

Tulsa KOTV.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Twin Falls KSAW FRI 3:00 AM

Tyler-Longview KYTX-DT2 SAT 11:00 PM

Waco-Temple KWTX/KBTX FRI 3:00 AM

Washington, DC WDCW.2 FRI 2:00 AM SUN 1:00 AM

Wilmington WMYW SAT 12:00 AMSourceSource

Vampires: Only $1

Posted in Vampires with tags on September 23, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Vampire in the HoleMovie budgets these days range anywhere from “about what I pay for rent” to “could feed a Third World country.” But when you come across a highly-polished independent horror film like The Vampire in the Hole, which the producers claim was made for $1, you scratch your butt in disbelief and think, “What did they spend the $1 on?”

Filmed in Spain, The Vampire in the Hole has a slick look that belies its monetary constraints, with cars being flipped through the air as if thrown by The Hulk, blood leaking back into mouths and nostrils (how did they do that? It looks too convincing to simply be the film running backward), and cafeteria plates shooting off the very shelves they were born to occupy. If you didn’t know, you’d swear this was at least a $1.50 cent movie.

The Vampire in the Hole Here’s the outline as provided free by the filmmakers: Vampirism is a newly discovered viral illness whose initial stages spread as quickly as the flu. May has just turned seventeen and has become infected. She is the only vampire in her family and her neighborhood and, as such, her life changes dramatically. In her daily surroundings she is now seen as a monster: kids throw stones at her and she is bullied at work. However, May tries to adapt by following the rules and norms set by the government on infected citizens who wish to fit back into society.

Opinion is divided about what should be done with the “infected.” Should one accept them, or reject them? And this division foreshadows a future war where racism and intolerance will hasten the inevitable, definitive rift between humans and vampires.”

Depending on which side I’ll eventually take, I say kill ’em all.

The Vampire in the HoleClearly, the film and editing gear was pre-owned. The actors worked for free (although one vampire demanded union scale, which I believe for the undead is .35 cents), and they used real blood instead of that pricey artificial Hollywood stunt blood. To feed the crew, they sent the vampires into the sewers to snag some tasty rats and discarded baby alligators, which remarkably taste like pollo.

It’d be cool if The Vampire in the Hole went on to make millions of dollars, just like The Blair Witch Project/1999 ($22,000 budget, $248 million gross) and Paranormal Activity/2009 ($15,000 budget, $194 million gross). Then maybe they could afford to make an even bigger blockbuster sequel for $2.

Check out what a cool movie this is by going to their website and watching the trailer [click HERE] and see for yourself what a buck gets you these days.

Cloud Creatures: The New Air-Traffic Control

Posted in Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , on September 22, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

AltitudeThe last thing you want to see when you’re in a small plane caught in a storm is giant black tentacles coming out of the clouds. That, or Jesus. Or Jesus with tentacles. Either, way, you’re screwed. And the airborn teens in the new horror thriller Altitude, which releases October 26, 2010, are beyond screwed.

Taking off in a plane that seats less than a hover-cab, they aren’t in the air 10 minutes when a mechanical failure forces the rookie-piloted aircraft into an upper atmosphere designed for spaceships and/or Mothra. Parachutes or an escape pod might’ve been a good Plan B, but everyone’s gooning out over the fact that they’re flying in a dense mist (or “fog”) and that the ground below is gone. (I bet it was eaten by the same evil thing in the clouds that’s about to suck out their brains.)

AltitudeThere aren’t a whole lotta options here. The passengers don’t have a clue how to battle this “Octo-Cloud,” and with no place to land below, all they can do is scream real loud and hope it gives the monster a headache and lets them go.

Here’s how I’d do it – first, push all the passengers out the door. (I’d need to make the plane as light as possible. I don’t know why – I saw that in a movie.) Second, I’d purge the toilet tank all over the creature using one or more of those red buttons on the control panel. (It’ll be full after I look out the window and see long black tentacles 30,000 feet in the air.) The beast will likely release me from its death grip to go rinse its eye out, and I can somehow manage to fly to Hawaii and get some refreshing tropical drinks to calm my nerves. If all else fails, I’d scream real loud and hope that it gives the monster a headache and lets me go.


Altitude, starring a bunch of people no one gives a crap about, looks both intriguing and promising. But I’m gonna wait to see if they use real monster tentacles or just some of those battery-powered rubber ones. Hey, when you’re dealing with a multi-legged cloud creature, realism is important.

Santa Claus: Packed In Ice

Posted in Classic Horror with tags on September 21, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rare ExportsSanta Claus doesn’t live at the North Pole. He lives in northern Finland. Rather, he lives UNDER it, encased in ice, like the extraterrestrial creature in The Thing (1982). Santa is discovered during an archeological dig and is hauled to the surface. And he’s still alive.

This is gooning me out for several reasons, the least of which is how Santa got there in the first place. And where the hell are his reindeer? In some Ostrobothnia meat-packing plant? This is not good.

This “re-imagining” of one of the greatest men of all time is the premise for Rare Exports, a decidedly bent holiday horror story that smears darkness all over the face of Christmas. Here’s how the movie producers explain their blasphemy…

Rare Exports“On the eve of Christmas in northern Finland, an archeological dig unearths Santa Claus. This particular Santa, however, isn’t the one you want coming to town. When most of the town’s children go missing, Pietari and his father, a local hunter named Rauno, come into possession of the mythological being. Rauno’s clan of hunters attempts to cash in on the opportunity by selling Santa back to the misguided leader of the multinational corporation sponsoring the dig. What ensues is nothing short of a wildly humorous nightmare – a fantastically bizarre polemic on modern day morality.”

I’m down with that. But why’d they have to put Santa in a cage? That’s gonna scar me for life.

Rare Exports Another thing causing me tummy aches is the movie title. Rare Exports doesn’t even get in the lobby of telling you what kind of film it is. I would’ve called it The Frozen Red or Jingle Hell or Glacier Claus: The Forbin Project. Sometimes I think movie companies don’t have a clue.

Rare Exports makes its American debut in December – right in time for Christmas. Coincidence? I think not.

I’m never gonna step foot in northern Finland again.

Monsterwolf Cometh

Posted in Werewolves with tags on September 19, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

MonsterwolfThe rule of thumb is, if a monster movie is presented by the SyFy Channel™, it’s gonna stink worse than an asparagus fart. (Start with Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and go from there.) No wonder my red flags are already going up over SyFy’s venture into werewolf territory in October, first with Monsterwolf, then followed by Red: Werewolf Hunter. Even though we all know the monster is gonna be a dumbass video game computer graphic, like a real werewolf eating someone’s neck, you just can’t help but watch it.

Monsterwolf, debuting October 9, 2010, is about yet another greedy corporate concern ignoring the law and drilling for oil on tribal land. Sure, my car needs fossil fuel just as much as any 1973 leaking vehicle still on the road today. But not at the expense of our Native American brethren. We owe them more than that.

Blast drilling unleashes Kachinawaya, a vengeful monster wolf spirit, that leaps out of the ground and eats your face. I guess this is OK, except I was hoping for a werewolf the size of the Partridge Family bus that roams the woods, eating bears whole and knocking down old growth trees and is impervious to machine gun fire. Oh, well. I guess I’ll just have to wait until Hollywood reads my script, coincidentally titled the same.

SyFy’s second attempt at lycanthropy is Red: Werewolf Hunter, which premiers October 30, 2010. A modern day descendant of Red Riding Hood (goofy, but kinda cool) introduces her fiancé to her family, a clan of werewolf hunters. (I bet they give the happy couple matching flea collars as a wedding gift. I would.) Naturally, the guy is skeptical…until he’s bitten by a werewolf. And if the Learning Channel™ has taught us anything, when you’re bitten by a werewolf, you become one of those stinky things yourself. Nothing personal pal, but you just became your in-laws’ next target.

Monsterwolf Why am I thinking both of these are gonna be wereturds? Probably because I’ve been burned so many times before by SyFy’s endless parade of shabby digital monster crap. Yeah, I’ll still watch ’em. But I don’t have to like ’em.