The Spanish-made sci-fi Ship of Monsters (aka, La Nave de los Monstruos/1960) is so endearingly bad, you can’t help but love the super goofy monsters (including a bone bare reptile that talks), scantily-clad space girls who wear bathing suits while piloting around the galaxy, and the added-value dialogue: “This place of full of rebels without a cause…”, “I’ll slap you around with my shoe…” and the time-honored “Do you swing both ways?”
The planet Venus, occupied by horny chicks (a radiation scourge wiped out all the dudes), rocket around the galaxy, kidnapping male creatures of all sizes, shapes and complexions, to bring back for Uranus exploring dates. A malfunction forces the spaceship to land on Earth, specifically Chihuahua, Mexico, where the two supermodel space chicks encounter the tall-tale telling Lauriano, a horse-ridin’, singin’ caballero who asks the stars for a chick to “share his affections” with.
The smooth talking Lauriano educates the space chicks in the ways of Earth love by smooching their lips and proposing marriage. Gamma, the space ship captain, calls dibs on Lauriano’s saddle horn, which makes Beta, the first officer, jealous and full of vengeance.
Beta unfreezes the monsters and proposes that they take over Earth. Turns out she’s actually a vampire and the blood of our peeps is loaded with acrid richness. Pffft – trying sucking on a beer, lady; aside from a bit ‘o belching, no neck aftertaste.
The male monsters have great space names: Uk (pronounced ‘ook’), Tawal, Zok (rhymes with ‘sock’) and Crassus, who emphatically proclaims, “I will devour your entrails by the light of Utare and its seven moons…” And he flippin’ means it, man!
But in the end, Lauriano, who only wanted someone with which to share his affections, shows that love triumphs over monsters, vampires and the robot Torr, whom he calls “Tractor.” If that doesn’t warm your heart, you’re probably dead.
P.S. Amazing fun fact: All the monsters from across the galaxy speak Spanish. I know, right? How awesome is that?