Consensual Alien Abduction, Ghost Houses, Super Brains

Came across an irresistible click-bait headline on AmericanUpbeat.com: “How To Get Abducted By Aliens.” Well, dang times 10 — who wouldn’t want a guide to making new space friends?

In the article, written by Erin — someone with only a first name (apparently her last name fell victim to probing) — it states in order to get adducted, you need to have certain  “preferred” qualities that appeal to “picky” extraterrestrials. 

From the article: “There are ways to make yourself more marketable to aliens. They prefer certain traits. Aliens prefer humans with certain cultural value, such as poets, video gamers, or smokers. There are also some occupations that they prefer as well, but it varies a lot.”

Crud. I’m not a poet (though I never pass up a chance to rhyme “art” with “fart”), I don’t play video games, nor do I smoke — healthy cigarettes or gateway pot. (Disclaimer — I just now found out cigarettes are NOT healthy. Could’ve fooled me — they look a lot like candy cigarettes, which are yummy, though really hard to keep lit.

So while we’re all waiting for the next Intergalactic Probe Party (Crisco™ optional), here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi and genre documentaries that may or may not make you clench…

UFO CHRONICLES: THE ALIENS ARRIVE (available now)
“Dr. Michael E. Salla explores the socio political ramifications of extraterrestrial life on planet Earth. Learn about the diversity of alien species currently visiting us, the role of the ‘greys’, the agenda of the industrial military complex, ET technology dissemination and more.”

Juts like an academic to over-think things. Yes, aliens have been visiting us for decades. No, it hasn’t altered any socio politics, other than selling enough T-shirts to fill Uranus. (Man, I never get tired of that joke. It seems so….socio political.)

PRODIGY (available now)
“A secret branch of the military calls upon psychologist James Fonda to take the case of a dangerous patient, nine-year-old Ellie. As their session begins, the young girl dissects Dr. Fonda’s unconventional methods, revealing her genius-level intellect. Only by challenging her to a battle of wits does Fonda begin to unravel the supernatural mystery surrounding Ellie — a deadly secret that threatens to destroy them both.”

I liked it better when it was called Morgan (2016). In that one, Morgan, the genius-level young gal being experimented on, stabs one of the doctors in the eye with a fork meant for, say, mac and cheese or a nice dinner salad with balsamic dressing. But no croûtons. Those things belong in salads like marbles belong in gumball machines.

GHOSTLAND (April 2018)
“A mother of two inherits a home from her Aunt. On the first night in the new home she is confronted with murderous intruders and fights for her daughters’ lives. When the girls suffer this terrible childhood trauma, their disparate personalities diverge even further. One becomes a famous horror author, with a perfect family and life in Los Angeles, while the other can’t cope, and loses her mind. The movie takes place 16 years later when the daughters reunite at the house, and that’s when things get strange…”

Children are so fragile these days. Why, back in my youth, whenever murderous intruders broke into my house, I’d stab ‘em in the eyes with my oatmeal spoon. My folks brought me up right. This, by the way, became the framework for the hit home invasion movie, Home Alone (1990). True story. And I didn’t get a cent of royalties. But hey, I didn’t let it wreck my adulthood — I’m pretty good at doing that on my own — with or without my trusty oatmeal spoon.

REVENGE (May 11, 2018)
“Jen is enjoying a romantic getaway with her wealthy boyfriend which is suddenly disrupted when his sleazy friends arrive for an unannounced hunting trip. Tension mounts in the house until the situation abruptly –– and viciously –– intensifies, culminating in a shocking act that leaves Jen left for dead. Unfortunately for her assailants, Jen survives and reemerges with a relentless, wrathful intent: revenge.”

This one obviously takes its lead from 1978’s I Spit On Your Grave (not to be confused with the restaurant horror movie, I Spit On Your Gravy.) In ISOYG, a young gal is gang raped, but later comes back to get revenge on all those peckers. The bathtub scene will mess you up to the point where you’ll probably never bathe again. Which is why to stay antiseptic fresh, I order moist towelettes by the case from Amazon.com™. Free shipping if you have an Amazon Prime™ account.

Geez, my brain is all over the map today.

The Darkness of Corners

Dark Corners (2006) is a graphic psychological horror movie that bends reality for a young and totally hot blonde wife whose experiencing horrific nightmares. Unfortunately, she does this without the solution-solving cure-all: going topless.

Um, lemme try that again. A serial killer is all over the news, eviscerating his victims with surgical expertise. This provides the grim backdrop for the gal whose been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant, but having nightmares so real as to short-circuit her sense of reality.

She dreams of being a Goth chick with black hair who works for a ghoulish mortician whose twin brother slept-walked out a seven story window the day before their twelfth birthdays. (“It wasn’t so bad…I got all of his presents.”) This alternate chick is being stalked by the Night Stalker (hence, the clever name) and rides the bus with messed up creeps and whose bathroom looks like the rest room in Saw (2004). Not even Scrubbing Bubbles™ could get that thing “guests coming over” clean.

But hold the phone — the Goth chick is dreaming she’s the blonde chick living in the corporate world whose co-worker, an older gal, says stuff like, “After three kids, my vagina has all the elasticity of an over-washed tube sock.” Thanks for the visual, aging lady. But the nightmares for both women get worse, with the Night Stalker doing really nasty stuff, like having non-consensual sex with the Goth girl after he punches her unconscious while she’s asleep. Eventually he knocks her up after he knocks her out.

The blonde chick dreams this. The doctor says its all a by-product of the doctor-assisted fertilization process. (Since they can’t get pregnant the time-honored way, then needles and spatulas it is.) She’s also been going to a hypno-therapist to get to the root of her disturbed sleep time. He’s hiding something, and it’s not just his delightful British accent.

Several scenes might have you saying stuff like, “Eeewwww,” and, “That’s soooo icky,” and “He DID NOT just lick that aborted fetus.” At no point can you tell which way this thing is going. As the two realities converge, the mental pu pu platter hits the fan.

I suppose I could tell you about the displaying of stomach parts, the demon kid that chews holes in flesh and the talking corpse with a boner (“Just break it — like a carrot.”) Really, it’s best to see if for yourself.

50 Years of Apes

March 27, 1968 was when the world changed for the better. That’s when talking monkeys ruled the Earth and it became a sort of “planet of the apes. ” (Nowadays, the world is run by a bunch of braying jackasses.)

Planet of the Apes, one of sci-fi’s all time greatest movies, was released on this day 50 years ago. And after spawning a veritable Ape City of movies, remakes, a TV series, cartoons, games, books, toys and bubblegum cards whose included hard and sharp card-shaped gum would cut your gums like you were chewing on a razor, still remains king of the jungle.

The original Planet of the Apes movie, kinda sorta based on La Planète des Singes, a 1963 the short novel  by French quill-slinger Pierre Boulle, was adapted to the big screen by none other than Twilight Zone’s Rod Serling and Bridge Over River Kwai’s (1957) Michael Wilson. Taking the book’s premise that evolved apes were the dominant species over man, they ran with the concept and took it straight to the box office hoop, and came up with arguably the best shock-twist movie endings ever in the history of ever. (If you haven’t seen it, you might wanna do that now, then go put your pants in the washer.)

So what have we learned from Planet of the Apes over the last five decades? First, mankind is still a collective a**hole. And Zira, the female doctor chimp, is kind of a floozy, her romantic tastes crossing species like swinging from a vine. Then you have Dr. Zaius, a hard-right Republican, who tried to suppress and delete the existence of illegal aliens. Cornelius, Zira’s husband and archaeologist, was, and shall always be, a lovable wuss. And let’s not forget General Ursus, a war-maddened gorilla who lives in infamy for his Jiffy Pop™ shaped helmet and stirring war cry, “The only good human is a dead human!” Hardcore, but direct to the point.

So happy birthday, Planet of the Apes. You made this world a better Forbidden Zone.

Shivering Snakes

In the generically-labeled Boa (aka, New Alcatraz/2001), a prehistoric giant snake in the Antarctic, after having slept in ice colder than a nuclear beer cooler for a billion million years, is rousted from its frigid slumber by the “come and get it” dinner bell noises of a bunch of people running an arctic penitentiary.

The concept of a prison in the South Pole is believable enough; with no mittens to be had, what’s the point in trying to escape? And that a 100-foot reptile comes to life after being defrosted is also easy to swallow when you consider it’s easier to fake a snake than giant, human-pecking penguins (which would’ve made a lot more sense and been way more cooler).

A bunch of super criminals have just arrived and aren’t too happy about having igloo-detention for life. After the snake gets loose and goes on a snack attack that wipes out 99% of the cast, it’s up to the bad guys — who are experts at breaking in and out of things — to figure out an escape plan. I’m all for enlarged reptiles and/or insects wreaking havoc on the world (hey, if I had a proboscis, I’d be doing it), but this one should never have been taken out of the freezer.

Cleaning Unclean Spirits

In a rat hole of a house in the middle of a cornfield, two amateur filmmakers document several priests and a pastor trying to suck the devil out of a nicely tanned and blonde supermodel with hellishly perfect teeth, who’d look more at home in a shampoo commercial than a vomit-splattered bed.

She floats. She swears. She wears contacts to make her look evil. She gets loose in the corn. If I were possessed, those are exactly the things I’d do, mostly because it looks like fun and not because I’m possessed or anything. Ahem.

Turns out the swimsuit model is possessed by five demons, all of whom the priests had encounters with in other countries (Korea, Eastern Europe, South America, 7-Eleven™). By possessing the girl, these unclean spirits are basically doing the evil version of instant-messaging.

One of the priests has a secret, which, as you know, is like juicy gossip to a demon. All hand-held camera stuff shot on a budget of what wouldn’t cover one sun tanning session. I don’t know how the priests kept from laughing during the overly long and loudly shouted exorcism. Somebody should’ve told me Chronicles of an Exorcism (2008) was a comedy.

School Horror Has No Class

Hard to believe Fangoria, America’s premiere horror magazine (to which I have EVERY issue), put their stamp of “presents” approval on School’s Out (1999), a steaming pile of crappily-dubbed crap.

An escaped lunatic from a mental prison is on the loose. (Hey, now there’s a clever plot!) His timing couldn’t be any better — there’s a high school graduation party going on just down the road, full of irritating teens just begging to be butchered for being irritating teens.

The killer dresses up like a garage sale harlequin, wears a red full face mask and brandishes extra-long scissors. The rest of this waste of valuable couch time is so predictable, you can almost call out the lines before they’re uttered. The surprise at the ending is how this crap was ever financed. School’s Out, indeed.

Nightmare Coffee Table, Really Mad Scientist, Sleep Strangler

If you’re like me and wake up everyday thinking, “Man, I wish I had a fully sculpted Freddy Krueger coffee table,” then you’re in luck. Designed by slaughterfx.com.au, you can own this spill-proof masterpiece for a mere $1499.00. (The 600 shipping might cost you your soul, though.)

This pics displaying the table’s inherent coolness, are copyrighted by SlaughterFX, so guys, if I posted without permission, let me know and I’ll replace the news piece with things my cat did today. (P.S. I don’t really have a cat; it’s more of a raccoon/rat/seagull hybrid thing I found behind a 7-Eleven™. What was I doing behind a 7-Eleven™? None of your business.

And speaking of business, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made into coffee tables…

FOLLOWERS (March 23, 2018)
“Brooke and Caleb, a social media celebrity couple, are celebrating their special anniversary on a camping trip deep in the woods of sunny Florida. They plan on recording the entire trip for their fans, and Caleb even has a special surprise for her to make this weekend extra special. But they are not alone. Helpless and cut off from all communication, Brooke and Caleb are being followed by Nick and Jake, two aspiring filmmakers hell-bent on filming a documentary on how easy it is to track someone down through social media…and kill them.”

More social media horror designed for younger people hooked on digital relationships instead of analog ones. Then again, sleeping on digital wet spot is no longer a problem — just “unfriend” it.

HIGHER POWER (May 11, 2018)
“When the Universe decides what it wants, it’s pointless to resist. With his family’s life at stake, Joseph Steadman finds himself the unwilling test subject of a maniacal scientist in a battle that could save the world, or destroy it.”

I say do to the world what I’ve been doing to my liver for some time now — destroy it!

MEET THE BLACKS 2: THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR (2018/2019)
“Carl Black is an over-stressed best-selling author who moves his family to his childhood home so he can find peace to write his new book. But when an extravagant pimp moves into the neighborhood, Black becomes convinced that the man is actually a vampire bent on stealing his family.”

I Googled™ “extravagant pimp.” They all look like Snoop Dogg. Not a bad role model as Snoop is entirely badass.

MARA (2018/2019)
“Criminal psychologist Kate Fuller is assigned to the murder of a man who has seemingly been strangled in his sleep by his wife and the only witness is their eight-year-old daughter, Sophie. As Kate digs into the mystery of an ancient demon which kills people in their sleep, she experiences the same petrifying symptoms as all previous victims and spirals through a chilling nightmare to save herself and Sophie before she dares fall asleep again.”

Sleeping men getting strangled by their wives is so commonplace, I’m surprised anyone pays attention. Note to men: do NOT leave the lid up if you value your neck hole.

Frightening Footwear, Ceramic Vampires, Child-Eating Monsters

Frank the Bunny was the breakout star of 2001’s mind-bending Donnie Darko, the story of a kid who survives a freak accident, only to discover the secrets of the universe and the gained ability to alter time. (In non-movie terms, we call that “drinking”.) Frank, the man in the rabbit suit, would show up every so often and talk Donnie into committing crimes. (“Frank” could very well be another name for “beer”.)

Since Frank is clearly an upstanding role model, it’s awesome to now be able to own a pair of Frank Slippers for the mere price of $41.89, available at Firebox.com. (They also sell spreadable gin for $14.00 a jar. I didn’t know spreadable gin came in a jar as opposed to, say, a quart bottle with a screw cap.) You need both — click HERE to go get ’em.

While you’re waiting for your fantasy footwear to arrive via some sort of mail delivery service, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not alter time — or keep your feet warm…

THE FORCES OF HORROR ANTHOLOGY SERIES VOLUME 1 (available now)
“In this blood-curdling horror anthology, a troubled young girl named Libby visits her psychiatrist to recount the terrifying stories of four nightmares that have been troubling her sleeping hours. The kindly doctor tries to explain away the dreams as the result of normal childhood anxieties, but as the tales become more gruesome, he begins to believe that ‘Libby’ may not be who she says she is.”

I’ve never really understood the term “blood-curdling.” Does it mean something is so scary it turns your hemoglobin into cottage cheese? If that’s the case, I’ll have to pass — cottage cheese tastes like unsalted, wet, air-popped popcorn. Blood, on the other hand…

WILDING (April 13, 2018)
“Anna is a woman who spent her entire childhood locked in the attic under the care of a mysterious man she only knows as Daddy. Anna is scared to death of a creature he calls the Wildling, a child-eating monster that roams outside. After a small-town sheriff Ellen Cooper frees Anna and helps her start a new life, her childhood nightmares of the Wildling return, disrupting the possibility of a normal life.”

Word around the dog park is that Wilding is a werewolf movie. This is very cool. And people in the dog park who don’t use pooper scoopers? That is very not cool.

VAMPIRE CLAY (available now/Japan/2017 | 2018, U.S.)
After studying in Tokyo, Kaori returns to Aina Academy to finish her prep classes for art school. Her time away has made her a better artist than most of her classmates and she soon begins making top scores on projects. Things begin to get strange, however, when she finds some clay left behind by the building’s previous owner, who died tragically at his workshop, and begins to use it for sculpting assignments. Following a mishap with a razor blade and the disappearance of one of her most jealous classmates, her teacher and the other students soon find themselves dealing with murderous, bloodthirsty clay monsters. The figures attempt to imitate and subsequently devour the students (seriously), thus answering the age old question: can a work of art be so bad that it kills?”

Who in their right mind would pass up a movie called Vampire Clay? That’s right up there with Basket-Woven Bigfoot. This came out in Japan in 2017, but I never got to see it as I heard the theater that showed it sold dried squid snacks instead of the slightly-less fishy tasting red vines. But hey, give me a bucket of seaweed and I’m good to go.

ROKUROKU: PROMISE OF THE WITCH (available now/Japan | 2018/U.S.)
“Structured like an anthology with intermingling segments, Rokuroku features everything from a deep sea kaiju, to a cackling disembodied head, to a sickle-handed psychopath. A supernatural force hurls schoolgirls off of rooftops. An old man faces the return of a horrific creature from his youth. Childhood friends recall a long forgotten promise that leads them to room 666 of a horrifying hotel.”

Impressive — the only thing missing is a basket-woven Bigfoot. I wonder, though, if the sickle-handed psychopath is available to trim my hedges? If he does a good job, I’d be happy to recommend him on Thumbtack.com.

Mermaids, UFOs, Vampires, Witches

MetroNews.com recently posted an article featuring an illustrated 1562 map that depicts several mermaids holding/playing with UFOs. That these objects could possibly be clam shells doesn’t negate the fact that mermaids and UFOs are as real as tasty, butter-dipped bivalve molluscs.

From the article written by Jaspar Hamill (Pffft — that name sounds so made up), the map is called Americae Sive Quartae Orbis Partis Nova Et Exactissima Descriptio (A New and Most Exact Description of America or The Fourth Part of the World). It was made in 1562 by the Spanish cartographer Diego Gutiérrez and the Flemish artist Hieronymus Cock (Awesome ancient porn name). The map is the earliest example of a large ‘wall map’ of America and is believed to be the first to feature the name ‘California’. It features giants as well as barbaric cannibals shown roasting a victim over an open fire.”

The map also includes “images of parrots, monkeys, mermaids, fearsome sea creatures, cannibals, Patagonian giants, and an erupting volcano in central Mexico complement the numerous settlements, rivers, mountains, and capes named. Sadly, it did not indicate why the mermaids might be holding a UFO, which means this ancient mystery remains officially unsolved.”

Man, it must’ve been a blast to live in 1562. I’d go out for a drink with a mermaid — for about 30 seconds, which is about as long as I can hold my breath.

So if you wanna see this NOT FAKE map in person, it’s being housed at the Library of Congress. Or, you could just wait for these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to see if there are any barbaric cannibals shown roasting people over an open fire…

GONJIAM: HAUNTED ASYLUM (March 28, 2018/South Korea | April 13, 2018 (US/Limited)
“The crew of a horror web show plan to stream live from inside a ‘haunted’ asylum. To attract more viewers, the show’s host arranges some scares for the team, but as they move further into the nightmarish old building, they begin to encounter much more than expected.”

YET ANOTHER one of these “reality shows in a haunted asylum” movies. By my count, this makes over one billion. And yes, I’ve see all one billion of ‘em. What can I say? I have a lot of free couch time.

CORBIN NASH (April 20, 2018)
“Searching a world of darkness for a truth he was never ready for, a rogue detective is murdered only to be reborn the ultimate killer. Embracing his destiny, vowing vengeance on all that destroyed his family; he is Corbin Nash, Demon Hunter.”

I liked it better when it was Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010). Still, with demon hunter job openings becoming as scarce as soap-filled dispensers in dive bar restrooms, might be time to see some demon slaying job skills in action.

VIDAR THE VAMPIRE (available now/Norway | 2018 U.S.)
“Vidar Haarr is a 33-year-old, sexually frustrated bachelor farmer who leads a monotonous life as a Christian on his mother’s farmstead in the Western outskirts of Norway.  In a desperate attempt to break free from routine, Vidar prays to a higher power to grant him a life without boundaries. Unfortunately, his prayers are heard and, following that most unorthodox of ceremonies, Vidar is reborn as the Prince of Darkness.”

Been following this one. The press is calling Vidar The Vampire “a blood drenched, over-the-top horror comedy that is seriously not for the easily offended.” There is no part of that sentence I didn’t like.

I AM NOT A WITCH (available/France, Germany | 2018 U.S.)
When eight-year-old Shula turns up alone and unannounced in a rural Zambian village, the locals are suspicious. A minor incident escalates to a full-blown witch trial, where she is found guilty and sentenced to life on a state-run witch camp. There, she is tethered to a long white ribbon and told that if she ever tries to run away, she will be transformed into a goat. As the days pass, Shula begins to settle into her new community, but a threat looms on the horizon.  Soon she is forced to make a difficult decision — whether to resign herself to life on the camp, or take a risk for freedom.”

I say risk freedom and turn into a goat. You don’t see many of those things around the mall much anymore, so that could be kinda neat.

Godzilla Earth, Hand-Carved Horror, Vampire Addict

The title of the upcoming Godzilla anime movie sequel is nothing if not crazy tantalizing: Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City. A mobile breeder city? Where do I sign up? How much is the rent? Can I move there now?

If you haven’t seen Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017) on Netflix, I question your sanity. The ending is so unreal, it’s unreal. And it’s so good, I’ll be counting down the ‘ol tick tock when Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City releases in Japanese theaters on May 18, 2018. Maybe a few of us could carpool there.

So here’s the press release, which reveals that MechaGodzilla will be getting into a rust up with his mountainous counterpart: “After suffering a crushing defeat at the claws of Godzilla Earth — the seemingly immortal, 300 meter tall, 100,000 ton incarnation of Godzilla who now rules the planet — Haruo Sakaki is rescued by Miana, a native girl who belongs to the Futua tribe, the descendants of humanity that were left behind on Earth during the initial evacuation.”

Meanwhile, Galu Gu, the leader of the Bilusaludo forces, realizes that the arrowheads of the Futua are made of nanometal, the same material that was used to build MechaGodzilla, a super weapon that failed to curb Godzilla’s rampage and that was presumed destroyed in a battle at the foot of Mt. Fuji in the 21st Century.”

I just soiled myself. Whilst I go clean up, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made out of nanometal…

REVENGE OF ROBERT (available now)
“Germany, 1941: Two secret agents, one working for British intelligence and the other working for the Nazis, board a train. Their mission is to find a Toymaker who is in possession of a mystical book which gives life to the inanimate. As the two secret agents close in and the Toymaker has no idea who to trust, he uses the magical tome to bring a vintage doll called Robert to life…and Robert will stop at nothing to protect his puppet master. So begins a blood soaked battle aboard the train as the Toymaker and the killer doll fight to survive. Only the victor will get off at the next stop!”

Ugh — more dumb doll horror. Chucky, if he wasn’t undead, would be rolling over in his toy box. And does this plot not take replacement parts from Puppetmaster (1989), and its 12 sequels? (Honorary mention: Magic/1978).

FAMILY BLOOD (March 31, 2018/Netflix)
“Ellie, a recovering drug addict, has just moved to a new city with her two teenage children. She has struggled to stay sober in the past and is determined to make it work this time, finding a stable job and regularly attending her meetings. Unfortunately, new friends, a new job, and the chance of a new life, can’t keep Ellie from slipping once again. Her life changes when she meets Christopher— a different kind of addict —which forces her daughter and son to accept a new version of Ellie.”

Smells like a vampire to me. Then again, everything smells like vampires, especially Krispy Kreme™ donuts. Those things will suck the very soul right out from under your taste buds.

4/20 MASSACRE (April 3, 2018)
“Five women who go camping in the woods to celebrate a friend’s birthday over the 4/20 weekend. But when they cross the turf of an illegal marijuana growing operation they must struggle to survive the living nightmare.”

Hmmm, what could a “living nightmare” possibly be when stumbling into a marijuana growing operation? You guessed correctly — there’s no beer with which to catch a weekend buzz. How boring it must be for all of them.

DASVIDANIYA: RUSSIAN BRIDES 2 (2018)
Svetlana Veselov is a sweet, naive exchange student from Moscow plunged into a living nightmare where she must fight to survive. But, what happens when the hunted becomes the huntress and the pain of others brings pleasure?

Again with the living nightmare. It’s like you’re working at Jack In The Box™ when your friends show up at the drive-thru window and you’re standing there in the grease spattered company uniform, stinking of french fries and secret sauce. Still, I’ve been in worse living nightmares, none of which, though, involve mail-order Jack In The Box™ brides. Yet, anyway. (I’m more of a Five Guys Burgers And Fries™ mail order brides person.)