Archive for March, 2018

Consensual Alien Abduction, Ghost Houses, Super Brains

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Abduction

Came across an irresistible click-bait headline on AmericanUpbeat.com: “How To Get Abducted By Aliens.” Well, dang times 10 — who wouldn’t want a guide to making new space friends?

Alien Abduction

In the article, written by Erin — someone with only a first name (apparently her last name fell victim to probing) — it states in order to get adducted, you need to have certain  “preferred” qualities that appeal to “picky” extraterrestrials. 

UFOs

From the article: “There are ways to make yourself more marketable to aliens. They prefer certain traits. Aliens prefer humans with certain cultural value, such as poets, video gamers, or smokers. There are also some occupations that they prefer as well, but it varies a lot.”

UFOs

Crud. I’m not a poet (though I never pass up a chance to rhyme “art” with “fart”), I don’t play video games, nor do I smoke — healthy cigarettes or gateway pot. (Disclaimer — I just now found out cigarettes are NOT healthy. Could’ve fooled me — they look a lot like candy cigarettes, which are yummy, though really hard to keep lit.

UFOs

So while we’re all waiting for the next Intergalactic Probe Party (Crisco™ optional), here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi and genre documentaries that may or may not make you clench…

UFO Chronicles: The Aliens Arrive

UFO CHRONICLES: THE ALIENS ARRIVE (available now)
Dr. Michael E. Salla explores the socio political ramifications of extraterrestrial life on planet Earth. Learn about the diversity of alien species currently visiting us, the role of the ‘greys’, the agenda of the industrial military complex, ET technology dissemination and more.”

Juts like an academic to over-think things. Yes, aliens have been visiting us for decades. No, it hasn’t altered any socio politics, other than selling enough T-shirts to fill Uranus. (Man, I never get tired of that joke. It seems so….socio political.)

Prodigy

PRODIGY (available now)
“A secret branch of the military calls upon psychologist James Fonda to take the case of a dangerous patient, nine-year-old Ellie. As their session begins, the young girl dissects Dr. Fonda’s unconventional methods, revealing her genius-level intellect. Only by challenging her to a battle of wits does Fonda begin to unravel the supernatural mystery surrounding Ellie — a deadly secret that threatens to destroy them both.”

I liked it better when it was called Morgan (2016). In that one, Morgan, the genius-level young gal being experimented on, stabs one of the doctors in the eye with a fork meant for, say, mac and cheese or a nice dinner salad with balsamic dressing. But no croûtons. Those things belong in salads like marbles belong in gumball machines.

Ghostland

GHOSTLAND (April 2018)
“A mother of two inherits a home from her Aunt. On the first night in the new home she is confronted with murderous intruders and fights for her daughters’ lives. When the girls suffer this terrible childhood trauma, their disparate personalities diverge even further. One becomes a famous horror author, with a perfect family and life in Los Angeles, while the other can’t cope, and loses her mind. The movie takes place 16 years later when the daughters reunite at the house, and that’s when things get strange…”

Children are so fragile these days. Why, back in my youth, whenever murderous intruders broke into my house, I’d stab ‘em in the eyes with my oatmeal spoon. My folks brought me up right. This, by the way, became the framework for the hit home invasion movie, Home Alone (1990). True story. And I didn’t get a cent of royalties. But hey, I didn’t let it wreck my adulthood — I’m pretty good at doing that on my own — with or without my trusty oatmeal spoon.

Revenge

REVENGE (May 11, 2018)
“Jen is enjoying a romantic getaway with her wealthy boyfriend which is suddenly disrupted when his sleazy friends arrive for an unannounced hunting trip. Tension mounts in the house until the situation abruptly –– and viciously –– intensifies, culminating in a shocking act that leaves Jen left for dead. Unfortunately for her assailants, Jen survives and reemerges with a relentless, wrathful intent: revenge.”

This one obviously takes its lead from 1978’s I Spit On Your Grave (not to be confused with the restaurant horror movie, I Spit On Your Gravy.) In ISOYG, a young gal is gang raped, but later comes back to get revenge on all those peckers. The bathtub scene will mess you up to the point where you’ll probably never bathe again. Which is why to stay antiseptic fresh, I order moist towelettes by the case from Amazon.com™. Free shipping if you have an Amazon Prime™ account.

Geez, my brain is all over the map today.

The Darkness of Corners

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 29, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dark Corners

Dark Corners (2006) is a graphic psychological horror movie that bends reality for a young and totally hot blonde wife whose experiencing horrific nightmares. Unfortunately, she does this without the solution-solving cure-all: going topless.

Dark Corners

Um, lemme try that again. A serial killer is all over the news, eviscerating his victims with surgical expertise. This provides the grim backdrop for the gal whose been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant, but having nightmares so real as to short-circuit her sense of reality.

Dark Corners

She dreams of being a Goth chick with black hair who works for a ghoulish mortician whose twin brother slept-walked out a seven story window the day before their twelfth birthdays. (“It wasn’t so bad…I got all of his presents.”) This alternate chick is being stalked by the Night Stalker (hence, the clever name) and rides the bus with messed up creeps and whose bathroom looks like the rest room in Saw (2004). Not even Scrubbing Bubbles™ could get that thing “guests coming over” clean.

Dark Corners

But hold the phone — the Goth chick is dreaming she’s the blonde chick living in the corporate world whose co-worker, an older gal, says stuff like, “After three kids, my vagina has all the elasticity of an over-washed tube sock.” Thanks for the visual, aging lady. But the nightmares for both women get worse, with the Night Stalker doing really nasty stuff, like having non-consensual sex with the Goth girl after he punches her unconscious while she’s asleep. Eventually he knocks her up after he knocks her out.

Dark CornersThe blonde chick dreams this. The doctor says its all a by-product of the doctor-assisted fertilization process. (Since they can’t get pregnant the time-honored way, then needles and spatulas it is.) She’s also been going to a hypno-therapist to get to the root of her disturbed sleep time. He’s hiding something, and it’s not just his delightful British accent.

Dark CornersSeveral scenes might have you saying stuff like, “Eeewwww,” and, “That’s soooo icky,” and “He DID NOT just lick that aborted fetus.” At no point can you tell which way this thing is going. As the two realities converge, the mental pu pu platter hits the fan.

Dark Corners

I suppose I could tell you about the displaying of stomach parts, the demon kid that chews holes in flesh and the talking corpse with a boner (“Just break it — like a carrot.”) Really, it’s best to see if for yourself.

50 Years of Apes

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet of the Apes

March 27, 1968 was when the world changed for the better. That’s when talking monkeys ruled the Earth and it became a sort of “planet of the apes. ” (Nowadays, the world is run by a bunch of braying jackasses.)

Planet of the Apes

Planet of the Apes, one of sci-fi’s all time greatest movies, was released on this day 50 years ago. And after spawning a veritable Ape City of movies, remakes, a TV series, cartoons, games, books, toys and bubblegum cards whose included hard and sharp card-shaped gum would cut your gums like you were chewing on a razor, still remains king of the jungle.

Planet of the Apes

The original Planet of the Apes movie, kinda sorta based on La Planète des Singes, a 1963 the short novel  by French quill-slinger Pierre Boulle, was adapted to the big screen by none other than Twilight Zone’s Rod Serling and Bridge Over River Kwai’s (1957) Michael Wilson. Taking the book’s premise that evolved apes were the dominant species over man, they ran with the concept and took it straight to the box office hoop, and came up with arguably the best shock-twist movie endings ever in the history of ever. (If you haven’t seen it, you might wanna do that now, then go put your pants in the washer.)

Planet of the Apes

So what have we learned from Planet of the Apes over the last five decades? First, mankind is still a collective a**hole. And Zira, the female doctor chimp, is kind of a floozy, her romantic tastes crossing species like swinging from a vine. Then you have Dr. Zaius, a hard-right Republican, who tried to suppress and delete the existence of illegal aliens. Cornelius, Zira’s husband and archaeologist, was, and shall always be, a lovable wuss. And let’s not forget General Ursus, a war-maddened gorilla who lives in infamy for his Jiffy Pop™ shaped helmet and stirring war cry, “The only good human is a dead human!” Hardcore, but direct to the point.

Planet of the Apes

So happy birthday, Planet of the Apes. You made this world a better Forbidden Zone.

Shivering Snakes

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Boa

In the generically-labeled Boa (aka, New Alcatraz/2001), a prehistoric giant snake in the Antarctic, after having slept in ice colder than a nuclear beer cooler for a billion million years, is rousted from its frigid slumber by the “come and get it” dinner bell noises of a bunch of people running an arctic penitentiary.

Boa

The concept of a prison in the South Pole is believable enough; with no mittens to be had, what’s the point in trying to escape? And that a 100-foot reptile comes to life after being defrosted is also easy to swallow when you consider it’s easier to fake a snake than giant, human-pecking penguins (which would’ve made a lot more sense and been way more cooler).

Boa

A bunch of super criminals have just arrived and aren’t too happy about having igloo-detention for life. After the snake gets loose and goes on a snack attack that wipes out 99% of the cast, it’s up to the bad guys — who are experts at breaking in and out of things — to figure out an escape plan. I’m all for enlarged reptiles and/or insects wreaking havoc on the world (hey, if I had a proboscis, I’d be doing it), but this one should never have been taken out of the freezer.

Cleaning Unclean Spirits

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Chronicles of an Exorcism

In a rat hole of a house in the middle of a cornfield, two amateur filmmakers document several priests and a pastor trying to suck the devil out of a nicely tanned and blonde supermodel with hellishly perfect teeth, who’d look more at home in a shampoo commercial than a vomit-splattered bed.

Chronicles of an Exorcism

She floats. She swears. She wears contacts to make her look evil. She gets loose in the corn. If I were possessed, those are exactly the things I’d do, mostly because it looks like fun and not because I’m possessed or anything. Ahem.

Chronicles of an ExorcismTurns out the swimsuit model is possessed by five demons, all of whom the priests had encounters with in other countries (Korea, Eastern Europe, South America, 7-Eleven™). By possessing the girl, these unclean spirits are basically doing the evil version of instant-messaging.

Chronicles of an Exorcism

One of the priests has a secret, which, as you know, is like juicy gossip to a demon. All hand-held camera stuff shot on a budget of what wouldn’t cover one sun tanning session. I don’t know how the priests kept from laughing during the overly long and loudly shouted exorcism. Somebody should’ve told me Chronicles of an Exorcism (2008) was a comedy.

School Horror Has No Class

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on March 24, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

School's Out

Hard to believe Fangoria, America’s premiere horror magazine (to which I have EVERY issue), put their stamp of “presents” approval on School’s Out (1999), a steaming pile of crappily-dubbed crap.

School's OutAn escaped lunatic from a mental prison is on the loose. (Hey, now there’s a clever plot!) His timing couldn’t be any better — there’s a high school graduation party going on just down the road, full of irritating teens just begging to be butchered for being irritating teens.

School's Out

The killer dresses up like a garage sale harlequin, wears a red full face mask and brandishes extra-long scissors. The rest of this waste of valuable couch time is so predictable, you can almost call out the lines before they’re uttered. The surprise at the ending is how this crap was ever financed. School’s Out, indeed.

Nightmare Coffee Table, Really Mad Scientist, Sleep Strangler

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Freddy Coffee Table

If you’re like me and wake up everyday thinking, “Man, I wish I had a fully sculpted Freddy Krueger coffee table,” then you’re in luck. Designed by slaughterfx.com.au, you can own this spill-proof masterpiece for a mere $1499.00. (The 600 shipping might cost you your soul, though.)

Freddy Coffee Table

This pics displaying the table’s inherent coolness, are copyrighted by SlaughterFX, so guys, if I posted without permission, let me know and I’ll replace the news piece with things my cat did today. (P.S. I don’t really have a cat; it’s more of a raccoon/rat/seagull hybrid thing I found behind a 7-Eleven™. What was I doing behind a 7-Eleven™? None of your business.

And speaking of business, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made into coffee tables…

Followers

FOLLOWERS (March 23, 2018)
Brooke and Caleb, a social media celebrity couple, are celebrating their special anniversary on a camping trip deep in the woods of sunny Florida. They plan on recording the entire trip for their fans, and Caleb even has a special surprise for her to make this weekend extra special. But they are not alone. Helpless and cut off from all communication, Brooke and Caleb are being followed by Nick and Jake, two aspiring filmmakers hell-bent on filming a documentary on how easy it is to track someone down through social media…and kill them.”

More social media horror designed for younger people hooked on digital relationships instead of analog ones. Then again, sleeping on digital wet spot is no longer a problem — just “unfriend” it.

Higher Power

HIGHER POWER (May 11, 2018)
“When the Universe decides what it wants, it’s pointless to resist. With his family’s life at stake, Joseph Steadman finds himself the unwilling test subject of a maniacal scientist in a battle that could save the world, or destroy it.”

I say do to the world what I’ve been doing to my liver for some time now — destroy it!

Meet The Blacks 2: The House Next Door

MEET THE BLACKS 2: THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR (2018/2019)
Carl Black is an over-stressed best-selling author who moves his family to his childhood home so he can find peace to write his new book. But when an extravagant pimp moves into the neighborhood, Black becomes convinced that the man is actually a vampire bent on stealing his family.”

I Googled™ “extravagant pimp.” They all look like Snoop Dogg. Not a bad role model as Snoop is entirely badass.

Mara

MARA (2018/2019)
“Criminal psychologist Kate Fuller is assigned to the murder of a man who has seemingly been strangled in his sleep by his wife and the only witness is their eight-year-old daughter, Sophie. As Kate digs into the mystery of an ancient demon which kills people in their sleep, she experiences the same petrifying symptoms as all previous victims and spirals through a chilling nightmare to save herself and Sophie before she dares fall asleep again.”

Sleeping men getting strangled by their wives is so commonplace, I’m surprised anyone pays attention. Note to men: do NOT leave the lid up if you value your neck hole.