Archive for August, 2017

I’m Burning, Man

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 30, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Wicker Man

Policeman Edward Malus’ (played ham-fistedly by Nicholas Cage) first mistake was using his detective-grade work to hunt down his ex-fiancée’s daughter, believed to be kidnapped and living with other “sisters” on an island in the Pacific Northwest (not far from where I live if you don’t count the stoplights).

The Wicker ManCage’s second mistake was wearing a bear suit while running around said island, trying to stop the “sisters” from sacrificing the daughter to a balsa wood god, ala Burning Man™.

The Wicker Man

The hippie druid, non-leg shaving chicks that run the island aren’t the type you’d ask out for a burger and a few games of coin-fueled pool before romantically feeling ’em up in the backseat of say, a 1973 Chevy Nova. No, these ladies prefer something a little more “natural” for brunch, if you catch my drift. I’m cool with that.

The Wicker Man

Bringing absolutely nothing new to the table (1973’s Wicker Man was way more way cool), Cage finds out 92 minutes too late it wasn’t the daughter they were gonna sacrificially roast to the gods that make vegetables grow, but him all along.

The Wicker ManEven though The Wicker Man/2006) laughably stinks, it at least prepared Cage for his role as the burning-skulled title character in Ghost Rider (2007). Some would call it Method Acting.

Revenge Porn, Old/New Zombies, Skin Appetizers

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jeepers Creepers 3

Finally. The long overdue Jeepers Creepers 3 is getting a limited theatrical showing (September 26, 2017 in Los Angeles), with the anticipated movie becoming available on VOD shortly thereafter.

Jeepers Creepers 2 came out in 2003, and every since horror fans have been Jeeper-ing for more Creeper-ing. The bat-winged, hat-wearing, human meat-craving monster is said to take his once-every-23-years binge eating spree to new levels of gore and chewing with your mouth open.

While we wait for dinner to be served, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi morsels to whet your appetite…

The Lost Tree

THE LOST TREE (October 13, 2017/Limited)
“After a serious traumatic accident, a man leaves his old life behind and moves to an isolated cabin to start over. He soon learns of the surroundings of the area and its dangerous past.”

Not a lot to go on from this press release. Are there poisonous woodchucks in the vicinity? Is the landlord a Republican? Does the toilet on the cabin flush without needing to jiggle the handle? I hope it’s all of the above.

#FromJennifer

#FROMJENNIFER (2017)
Jennifer Peterson is having a very rough week. She’s been fired from a movie shoot, her manager just dropped her, and her boyfriend dumped her, right after releasing a sex tape of them together. But Jennifer has decided to turn things around: she hatches a plot she calls ‘Revenge Porn Revenge,’ in which she plans to settle the score by filming a devastatingly elaborate video and posting it online, making herself famous in the process. But like everything else in her life lately, her revenge plot doesn’t go according to plan, and a shocking trail of carnage is left in her wake.”

Clearly, Jennifer is not familiar with the famous one-liners from Confucius, the iconic Chinese teacher/philosophizer from way, way, way back in the day (551 BC – 479 BC). His stand-up routine often included this one: “Before embarking on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves.” Snap! But despite all my clicking around, I still can’t find any of his comments about sex tapes.

Day of the Dead

DAY OF THE DEAD (2017/2018)
“The post-apocalyptic tale follows a former medical student tormented by a dark figure from her past, who happens to be a half-human, half-zombie hell-bent on destroying her.”

So is this a remake/reboot/re-do over of 1985’s Day of the Dead? According to the e-blabbing on the Internet, the movie lifts a few flesh-swallowing elements from that decades old zombie romp and stuffs ’em into the new storyline. Kinda like padding a meatloaf with oatmeal.

You Shall Not Sleep

YOU SHALL NOT SLEEP (2018)
“Set in an abandoned psychiatric hospital, where a radical theater group experiment with insomnia for the preparation of a stage play. With the passage of days without sleep, they reach new thresholds of perception, about the energies and hidden stories of the place. But when Bianca joins the cast, she must survive not only the intensity of work and her companions, but an unknown force that pushes her, like others, to a tragic outcome.”

Pffft — you don’t need sleep deprivation to reach new thresholds of perception. That’s what alcohol is for. People be so dumb.

Jurassic Rodent

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Dark

In the generically titled creature feature The Dark (1994), a pro football player-sized prehistoric rat is living in tunnels beneath the cemetery and eating interred bodies by gnawing through the caskets with its fangs of doom. Yummy, if you’re a rat, prehistoric or contemporary. Everyone else, not so much.

The Dark

The rat’s blood has cell tissue healing properties and can be of vast beneficial use to someone. A good guy wants to capture and study it with a microscope and tweezers. A bad guy wants to shoot it in the face. The good guy has been tracking it for years, but has sex with a diner waitress first. The bad guy just wants to shoot it in the face.

The Dark

The cemetery caretaker and his assistant manager in charge of digging happen across the tunnel, call the local authorities (I would’ve called Orkin™, but that’s just me) and encounter Ratus Ratus. The rodent itself is better in idea than in real life; You don’t see it attack humans or eat dead ones. When you do see it in the light deep underground where there are no table lamps but is still lit up anyway, it looks like a homeless version of that giant flying dog in The NeverEnding Story (1984).

The Dark

The overtly cute Neve Campbell cameos as a police officer (she puts the frisk in frisky), and the diner waitress has sex with a guy who just got stabbed, doesn’t know his name or why he’s hunting a giant rat and has a tranquilizer gun filled with some sort of tranquilizer. I usually have to hang out at Social Services to meet awesome chicks like that.

Hell Kids, Hell Zombies, Hell Stuff

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stranger Things 2 / A Nightmare on Elm Street

As you/me/I/us/them/they wait IMPATIENTLY for Stranger Things 2 (premiering Friday, October 27, 2017), news comes down the super fun happy slide the surprise horror hit has already been renewed for a third season. I needed some good news after waiting all day for that !@#$ “once-in-a-lifetime” eclipse to somehow destroy the world. (I know the eclipse was for free, but dang — I feel gypped.)

The new Stranger Things 2 key art is a slick homage to 1984’s A Nightmare on Elm Street. When you think about it, sleep slasher Freddy Krueger’s dream state world is the ‘80s version of Stranger Thing’s The Upside Down alternate universe/dimension/golf course. Regardless, I’ll have to go back to hoping for Melancholia to smash into this toilet Earth for my world-destroying fantasies.

While we wait for that planet to pinball ours, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to help cope with the disappointing, non-destructo eclipse

Little Evil

LITTLE EVIL (September 1, 2017/Netflix)
“Gary just married Samantha, only to find out that her 6-year-old son is the Antichrist.”

This horror comedy sounds fun/ny. But if the kid is the son of the Antichrist, does that men Samantha is the Mom Antichrist, or is this one of those, “it takes a village” things?

Hellriser

HELLRISER (October 9, 2017/UK)
“When their city is rocked by a series of brutal occult murders, veteran detective John Locke and his young partner Terri Keyes are forced to put aside their differences and follow the trail of evidence to a formerly abandoned asylum, where the new owner Dr. Unnseine is conducting his own brand of Nazi-inspired “medical research” on the unwilling inmates. One such inmate, the sexy but deadly Annie Dyer, may hold the key to the murders — and to the doorway to Hell itself — if only Locke and Keyes can stay alive long enough to discover what it is.”

Dawn of the Dead / Land of the Dead

As much as you’d think this is one of those Asylum Studio rip-offs, it is, unfortunately, from another source of rip-offery. Obviously, the title is lifted from Clive Barker’s Hellraiser (1987). Then there’s the “When there’s no more room in Hell…” kicker line on the key art, a bold shoplift from 1978’s Dawn of the Dead. Wondering why the filmmakers didn’t just put it all on the glass and have the zombies wearing Goth leather and walking around with nails in their heads, like those teens at the mall.

Hagazussa: A Heathen's Curse

HAGAZUSSA: A HEATHEN’S CURSE (2018)
“Set in the 15th Century in the Austrian Alps, Hagazussa takes us back to a dark period when pagan beliefs of witches spread fear into the minds of the rural folk exploring the thin line between ancient beliefs, magic and delusional psychosis.”

Ancient beliefs, magic and delusional psychosis. That may be f’d up for those in the Austrian Alps, but for me it’s just another night at The Poggie Tavern. I like witches, though. The sexy ones on TV, not the stinky kind at the bar who smell like room temperature Steel Reserve malt liquor.

Still/Born

STILL/BORN (2018)
“Mary, a new mother who lost one of her twins in childbirth, struggles with the loss. She starts to suspect something sinister is after her surviving child — a supernatural entity that has chosen her child and will stop at nothing to take it from her.”

They kinda hand this one to us one a parsley-garnished platter — the “supernatural entity” is the twin that didn’t make it to market. (A theory, not a conclusion.) By the way, do you want me to tell you what you’re getting for Christmas?

Ninja Mecha Bikini

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Samurai Princess

After 11 young women were raped and dismembered by a band of criminals in a Japanese alternate universe (out in the woods), the last surviving gal was transformed into a Mecha, a mechanical, but drop dead (no pun intended) sexy android, housing all the souls of her dead sisters. As such, each has bestowed upon her 11 built-in weapons: ninja skills, hedge-trimmer and chainsaw leg extensions, removable boobs that turn into grenades when thrown. The clothes, though, come off by themselves.

Samurai Princess

Assisted by a heavy metal guitar playing scientist and a Buddhist nun with blue hair and white eyelashes, this Samurai Princess takes out the gang members in appropriate fashion: severed arms and heads, brains removed, squished and jammed back in, a guy punched so hard his skeleton pops out of his skin (great sequence), blood spraying as if shot from high-pressure hoses. And there are so many body parts, it looks like a butcher shop for humans.

Samurai Princess

The leaders of the gang are a half man/woman and the other half Mecha. (The woman portion wears entrails around her neck like fashionable jewelry.) They need to be killed. And not in a good way, either. The Princess has to be careful as the guy has a rocket attached to the chainsaw leg, and that thing is dangerous when it flies within facial zip codes. But the Princess can turn her entire chest into a buzz saw and give you a death hug.

Samurai Princess

Because the Princess is hot (literally), she has to shut down occasionally to cool her jets. In her dream state she has sex with the heavy metal guy. In her awake state she can’t feel anything, be it a sword or, um, a flesh sword. The madmen who makes the Mechas, collects body parts with the help of his twin hotties, who carry around baskets of severed arms, feet and stomachs like they were out picking flowers.

Samurai Princess

The Princess squares off with the ultimate Mecha for the final battle. This thing looks more freakish and cooler than any Hellraiser (1987) Cenobite on the block, sporting hoses, sutures, spiky stuff and flabs of borrowed skin. Then it’s a festival of sqooshed heads, split torsos, and stitched wounds that should be disinfected (but aren’t). And hey, grenade boobs — at least two more reasons to recommend Samurai Princess (2009).

Giant, Medium and Small Monsters

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rebirth of Mothra III

In Rebirth of Mothra III (1998), Godzilla’s favorite chew toy (a moth, but for all intents, a giant kite with mystical properties), has more split personalities than a psycho ex-girlfriend. Returning for this second  fantasy-framed sequel are previous incarnations AquaMothra and that Earth-hugging Rainbow Mothra.

Rebirth of Mothra III

Flapping new wings are Light Speed Mothra (she should rep for Nascar™), Armor Mothra (she’s into heavy metal), Primitive Mothra (should be called Netscape 3 Mothra), Fairy Mothra (a smaller, more crushable version) and Eternal Mothra (Been There And Continue To Do That Mothra). All of ’em are called on to show Grand King Ghidorah some in-yer-face humility. And if that wasn’t enough, they throw in some dinosaurs. Good call.

Rebirth of Mothra III

The Elias sisters, miniature fairy princesses — Lora, Moll and that totally bitchy Belvara — are at it again (see Rebirth of Mothra/1996). Belvara’s struggle for some sort of magic sword and her “all things hatred for humankind” set off a spectacular battle with all the interested parties. There’s meteor showers and more freakin’ kids getting in the way. (And you thought Gamera had it up to here with meddling brats?)

Rebirth of Mothra III

The three-necked Grand King Ghidorah is being blamed for the extinction of dinosaurs, and he’s not willing to take the rap. (In all fairness, it really was him, we just can’t prove it.) As GKG demonstrates, he’s not a 400-foot tall pushover. But as the shock-and-awe confrontation reaches the boil-over point, Armor Mothra provides a bloodless, wing-slicing smack down.

Rebirth of Mothra III

Here’s an idea — the next time criminal giant kaiju wanna get pissy, let’s do without the kids and make this a “winner takes all” monster-sized pay-per-view. Really, it’s the only way to save this sugary franchise from further rotting our teeth/brains/prehistoric legacy.

Blinding Eclipse, Virtual Ghosts, Garbage Children

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Eclipse Map

With the once-in-a-lifetime full-on eclipse just a few days away as of this lunar calendar day, Flipboard.com, a site dedicated to the subjects of the unexplained, the supernatural, paranormal conspiracies, mythical beasts (and where to find them), posted a map as where to best view the eclipse and UFOs that will be tracking the event as well. (I added the UFO pics to the map as I WANT TO BELIEVE their article.)

I’d be remiss in my duties as a highly untrained faux journalist if I didn’t make this socially responsible warning: do NOT watch the eclipse without special glasses (Amazon.com is selling ‘em by the metric ton). You could seriously damage your vision/eyeballs meant for online porn, cat videos and this blog. (Not necessarily in that order — the video where the lazy cat is riding on top of a dog still makes me LOL.)

Speaking of things that should or should not be viewed with eyes wide shut, here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies while you’re waiting for the vanilla sky… (You got both references, right?)

Stasis

STASIS (August 29, 2017/VOD)
“After a night out partying and being left behind by friends, Ava sneaks back home to find that she’s already safe in bed. But that’s not Ava — it’s someone who looks like her. A time-traveling fugitive has stolen Ava’s body, which makes Ava a virtual ghost, who is silent and invisible to the world. But Ava is not alone. There are other body snatchers secretly living among us, plotting to alter the future. Ava realizes she can stop these body snatchers and put the timeline back on course.”

If I came home and saw myself in bed, I’d put rubber snakes, unpaid parking tickets and peeled hard boiled eggs under the covers, then stand back and watch the ensuing hilarity. I sure hope my bed self doesn’t loose control of his/my bladder because of it; I gotta sleep in that thing. (It’s my turn tomorrow.)

30 Years of Garbage: The Garbage Pail Kids Story

30 YEARS OF GARBAGE: THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS STORY
(out now/select theaters/September 20, 2017/VOD/DVD)
“This documentary revisits the artists who made these collectibles famous, showing a rare glimpse into the corporate culture of Topps™ as they launched Garbage Pail Kids through the height of the cards fame, the downfall from the legal battle with the Cabbage Patch kids and their untimely demise. The film is jam packed with interviews of over a half dozen artists. Each artist penned these counter-culture trading cards and each artist shares the inside stories.”

Used to collect those things. My friends, too, as they were convinced I was one of the characters. (I would’ve been the electrocuted rock guitar star, Jolted Joel.) If you do a little homework you can track down The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, which came out in 1987. Not many saw it — the movie only made $1.5 million at the box office. Ironically, people spent more money collecting the horror/sci-fi/pop culture themed cards than on the flick itself.

Mexico BarbaroMEXICO BÁRBARO II (2017/film festival circuit)
“Nine Mexican directors come together to narrate traditions and more brutal, ruthless and bizarre legends of our country. Mexico Bárbaro II shows the world stories that are part of our popular culture, from sweet stories told by our grandmothers, the tooth fairy, witchcraft, the story behind the weeping woman, sexy servers of the Devil, a pagan hero, the burnt woman, up to ancestral culinary bloody rites. Traditions and legends that today continue to cause terror among Mexican people.”

If you saw the first Mexico Bárbaro (2014), then you know you’re in for a sweet, sick ride with II. This little jewel came out of nowhere (okay, Mexico) and the eight shorts that comprise the indie made film were highly gruesome, graphic and gory, which means you should watch it. (FYI: Bárbaro translates to “Barbarian.” After watching the movie, that’s sugar coating it.)

Land of Smiles

LAND OF SMILES (out now UK; 2017/2018/US)
“A young backpacker is lured through the Third World paradise of Thailand, searching for her kidnapped best friend and unknowingly she becomes the object of a sociopath’s obsession.”

Not sure how this differs from, say, a trip to the grocery store and/or cult retreat. Never been to Thailand. I wear T-shirts, not ties. My motto: thrashin’, not fashion. So sayeth Jolted Joel.

Witches, Werewolves, Cross Dressing Halloween

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Giant Freddy Glove

Mark Phillips, who runs prop-making company Nightmares Unlimited, made a four-foot tall/long version of Freddy Krueger’s famous blade-fingered glove, which will be featured at the upcoming ScareFest as part of a special photo-op with Robert Englund (aka, Freddy), running September 29th through October 1st in Lexington, KY. Fewer things in life are as cool.

I’ll tell you what’s not cool, though — proctology exams that feel like the doctor is wearing a four-foot tall/long version of Freddy Krueger’s famous blade-fingered glove.

And speaking of ridiculously uncomfortable experiences, here are a few upcoming horror and movies that may or may not make you feel like you’re being double-parked by a really mean sock puppet…

Witch Hunt

WITCH HUNT (available now)
“A Catholic priest questions his faith after a botched exorcism. An unknown association hires a brother/sister team of Bosnian witch hunters/inquisitors to exterminate the ‘problems’ the town has been experiencing.”

Catholic priests should really look into outsourcing as they don’t have too good a track record for demonic purging. Heck, I’ll do it for slightly less than the going rate. E-mail me for a obligation-free price quote.

The Houses October Built 2

THE HOUSES OCTOBER BUILT 2 (September 22, 2017)
“The new pic picks up the five haunted-house enthusiast friends still trying to recover from the trauma of being kidnapped last Halloween by the Blue Skeleton — a group who takes ‘extreme haunt’ to another level. They decide to face their fears in order to move on and go back out on the road to find more haunted houses, but signs of the Blue Skeleton start appearing again.”

Got bored with the first one (it came out in 2014) and only watched 20 minutes of it. So with the release of the sequel, I’ll get advice from my life coach as to whether or not to go back and watch the remaining 71.

Boo! Two

BOO! TWO — A MADEA HALLOWEEN (October 20, 2017)
Madea, Bam, and Hattie venture to a haunted campground and the group must literally run for their lives when monsters, goblins, and the boogeyman are unleashed.”

Is it just me or does Madea look like a dude dressed up as a woman? While I let that roll around in the gumball machine that is my head, full disclosure: I never saw Boo! (2016), either. Unless it’s Bruce Campbell, I’m not a fan of slapstick horror. (I’m looking in your direction, Fear of the Walking Dead.)

Fang

FANG (in production)
“After participating in a robbery-turned-murder, Chloe and Joe decided to hide out at a distant relative’s house only to find themselves stalked and hunted by creatures and forces unknown.”

The creatures are not unknown as they put ‘em right on the key art — they’re WEREWOLVES! About time, as we’ve been overdue for a good werewolf romp. Until this one gets here, try Howl (2015). In that one a rural bound British commuter train is beset (sorry — word of the day calendar) upon by fuzzy monsters that turn the stalled train’s passengers into buttsteak and kidney pies.

Godzilla Bombs, Demon Police, Head App

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Oxygen Destroyer

Been keeping an i-ball (heh) open for continuing information on the 2019 Godzilla movie, which is scheduled to include G-foes Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidorah. Recently leaked is the news that this kaiju rodeo is flashing respect to the original Godzilla movie (1954) with the inclusion of the famous Oxygen Destroyer, the science water bomb (made by the FIRST Dr. Serizawa) that melted Godzilla’s flesh off his super-sized bones. That Godzilla somehow came back to life and starred in a plethora of sequels is probably noteworthy.

Speaking of bombs, will the new Oxygen Destroyer be able to  stop the new Godzilla ’n super friends from turning the Earth’s landscape into garden mulch? While we all ponder that, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not bomb at the box office…

Demon Hunter

DEMON HUNTER (August 15, 2017/VOD)
“Captured by police for questioning in the slaying of a man she claimed was a demon, Taryn Barker must prove her innocence, and the existence of demons. But when a cult captures the daughter of one of the detectives on the case, the police must trust, and unleash, this warrior on the Satanic group who are intent on bringing an ancient evil force into the world.”

Where would we be without demon hunters? I certainly don’t want to have to clean up those evil messes. I did enough of that as a bus station bathroom attendant.

Rememory

REMEMORY (August 24, 2017)
“The body and unexplained death of Gordon Dunn, a visionary scientific pioneer, is found shortly after the unveiling of his newest work: a device able to extract, record and play a person’s memories. Gordon’s wife, Carolyn, retreats into her house and cuts off contact with the outside world when a mysterious man shows up. After stealing the machine, he uses it to try and solve the mystery, beginning an investigation of memories that lead him to unexpected and dangerous places.”

A device that can record and playback memories probably isn’t science fiction (Apple™ is no doubt working on an iPhone™ app as we speak). I won’t be buying one — some memories are better left buried. Those I can remember, anyway.

House By The Lake

HOUSE BY THE LAKE (2017/2018)
“A struggling married couple try to reconnect at an idyllic lake house, but their relationship is tested when their young daughter begins to fixate on an imaginary friend that may or may not be real.”

Couldn’t be Bigfoot as he’s not imaginary. Her “friend” is likely one of those lake monsters. I hear they live in lakes. Wonder if Bigfoot has ever seen a lake monster during one of his frequent nature walks?

Boots On The Ground

BOOTS ON THE GROUND (2018)
“Five British soldiers try to stay alive on the last night of the Afghan War, facing not just the Taliban, but also supernatural forces more terrifying than anything they’ve encountered before.”

If anyone can take down a supernatural force, it’s the British. Just look at what Harry Potter was able to accomplish with a stick and a broom.

Wailing Wolf-Man

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Face of the Screaming Werwolf

If you’ve seen 1964’s Face of the Screaming Werewolf and walked away confused as all heck, you’re not alone — Screaming Werewolf, made from parts of several different movies (La Momia Azteca/1957 and La Casa del Terror/1959), is a screaming mess, beside the fact it would’ve been better titled as The Screaming Werewolf Face. (Personal preference.)

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

The movie starts out with doctor-esque archaeologist guys hypnotizing a psychic chic (psy-chic — heh) who life regressions herself as a sacrificial Aztec test dummy. This leads the history dudes to an Aztec pyramid, where they discover and bring back a two mummies (but no daddies — heh). Right here we have several problems — one of the crusty corpses is the sacrificed Aztec gal and the other a regular guy who happens to be a werewolf. How an American werewolf ended up mummified in Mexico is just part of this “movie’s” abstract premise. (Must’ve been a heckuva booze cruise, though.)

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

So they bring the mummies back and a mad scientist, whose lab is located through a secret door in the back of a horror wax museum, applies volts to jolt the man mummy back to life. With only a meager supply of electricity, the experiment fails. Nature steps in, supplying lightning and one heck of a utility bill. Prior to the power-up, his face looked he fell asleep in a bowl of pancake batter. And because it’s a full moon, his moon-beamed mug becomes covered in fur where there was no fur before. Nothin’ left to do now but go on a choking spree.

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

The werewolf runs out into traffic and doesn’t bark at even one car. Then he makes a girl faint, throws her over his shoulder like a sack of pancake flour brought to market, and climbs up the side of an apartment building, all the while being climb-pursued by one of the scientists. Then the werewolf climbs through a window and comes all the way back down to the street using the stairs. (He probably didn’t want to wait for the elevator.)

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

Meanwhile, the Aztec mummy comes back to life and goes after the psychic woman. The werewolf, now slingin’ a different chick who really put up a fight and even smashed a decorative vase over the monster’s head, brings her back to the wax museum. I have no idea why. The scientist throws chemicals around like holy water, starts a fire and battles the werewolf. Somehow the werewolf is bested and catches fire, which makes him turn back into man form, his shirt still buttoned tucked in as if prepping for a school photo. The cops show up to dismiss the numerous “werewolf” sightings as just a simple case of a man burning on the floor in front of them.

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

The werewolf looked werewolf-y enough, but his upper fangs were grimy and his lower fangs Pepsodent™ bright. He wore a belt to hold up his freshly ironed britches and kept shoes on the entire time. They were neatly tied. Didn’t know werewolves to be such fastidious dressers. Too bad the filmmaker didn’t follow suit. (Heh.)