Sirens: Mermaids of Doom

Ask any guy who ever served in the Navy, been a seagoing pirate, or ran a glass bottom tourist boat charter, and they’ll tell you a Siren is an allegedly mythical mermaid (half naked cheerleader, half fish) who comb their hair with clam shells and call sailors to their watery graves, drawing them with their sexy sea lumps and irresistible song. (No words, just something that sounds like a very soothing fire alarm.)

Siren is a British horror/thriller movie using this premise, and describes itself as a cross between The Descent (2005), Dead Calm (1989) and Open Water (2004). I saw all of those. The Descent is about seven empowered women who go spelunking ground holes, only to encounter flesh-eating creatures who regard them as delivery pizza. Dead Calm is about a man and woman out sailing in the middle of the ocean that pick up a hitchhiker, who turns out to be a murdering sea turd. Open Water is about a man and woman who go scuba diving in the middle of the ocean, only to be left behind by their discount charter dive boat, and then sharks eat them.

Siren is about a man and a woman and a friend who sail out to an abandoned(?) island for relaxation and the feeling up of the woman. They encounter a knife-wielding madman who tries to warn them about the hot chick out in the water who lures the horn dog men to their doom. Or something like that.

Not seeing the connection. This is made even more confusing by the movie studio’s other comparisons, which is a “thrilling new twist on the teen-in-peril genre along the lines of Cabin and Severance.” Neither had a boat, shark, or death mermaid.

Siren should not be confused with Siren, the 2010 horror fiction book by John Everson, Sirens, the 1994 Hugh Grant movie that deals with a blasphemous painting, a young minister and his wife, and three sexually playful models living with the artist, or the Japanese porno film, Siren (2009), about a naked succubus who is kidnapped by criminals for feeling up purposes, before giving them an unhappy ending.

But since Siren, the British movie, sees fit to compare itself to everything else, it logically stands that it’ll align itself with these as well. Don’t get me wrong; I think the plot holds salt water. It’s just that the whole “teen in peril” genre would be better off with brain-eating mermaids, swimmer-eating sharks, women-eating cannibal creatures, and/or soul-eating blasphemous paintings.

Australian Bigfoot: G’day, Primate

We here in the States have Bigfoot. Indonesia has Orang Pandek. The Japanese have Hibagon. The Himalayans have the Abominable Snowman. Not wanting other countries to make fun of them for not having their own cryptid creature, the Australians have Yowie, a hairy beast with a stupid name that roams the Outback and eats babies. OK, maybe not whole babies. But hairy nonetheless.

Yowie, a independent movie made for less than you’d spend on a Foster’s Lager™ by students at the Griffith University Film School (Bachelor of Film and Screen Media Production Program, in case you’re one of those disbelievers), revolves around said creature and a young couple camping out, making out, and freaking out. Here’s the highly-detailed synopsis:

“When James mistakes a friendly bushman for a monstrous Yowie, he shoots him dead. Will he and Vivian’s relationship be strong enough to get them through and escape the Aussie bush?”

God, I hope so.

The trailer for the “movie” doesn’t do much to reinforce the existence of Yowie. Too bad, as watching a young couple argue and scream is about as much fun as my neighbors doing the same thing every f’n night of the week loud enough so I can’t hear the TV and the wisdom it’s trying to impart.

I have yet to see a Sasquatch type movie where the monster doesn’t look like a janitor in a gorilla suit. Even the Jack Links™ beef jerky Bigfoot mascot looks better than all of ’em combined. And hey, tasty jerky!

So yeah, my hopes are running a little on the low side for Yowie. Sorry dude – I just can’t seem to get past your ridiculous name, which just happens to be the same sound my neighbors make when they catch me looking through their bedroom window at night whilst balancing precariously on can of garbage.

 

Eight More Horror Films To Die For

January is Christmas v.2 for horror movie freaks, except instead of gifts, calorie-saturated holiday food and sappy songs about being nice to each other, we get splattered intestinal haggis, souls shoved into meat grinders, ghosts, zombies, aliens and possessed scarecrows. Really, it makes one so giddy with the post holiday spirit, you just wanna re-gift all over yourself.

After Dark, the understanding company behind the 8 Films To Die For series, is bringing a fresh crop of horror to select theaters on January 28th, 2011. I went to all eight last year and consumed nine movie theater hot dogs (one was for dessert), a 1973 Chevy Nova trunk load of popcorn, a keg of diet coke (gotta watch that belt line), enough red vines to make a rope bridge, and 4,000 peanut M&Ms™. So yeah, I blame After Dark for my corroding cholesterol levels, which could actually be the subject of one of their movies.

Last year’s series, though at times a bit uneven, had some stand-out entries, from the butt-puckering ghost story Lake Mungo, to the biting (sorry) social commentary of Zombies of Mass Destruction. Even the standard “chase two hot girls around the desert” story (The Graves), a WTF foreign flick (Hidden) and teens kill each other (Kill Theory, The Final) were better than most crap released in 2010. And 2011’s roster looks to lather, rinse and repeat all of the above. Here’s what they have ready for your/my hot dog starved brains…

HUSK
Homicidal scarecrows made living from the spirits of the slumbering dead. There will be blood, evil, and plenty of corn.

SECONDS APART
Young twin boys gifted with telekinesis, the power to know what bad thing each other is doing so the other can go tell mom.

RE-KILL
Post apocalyptic zombies at war with whatever future humans are left un-snacked upon. A better title might be Republicans Vs. Democrats.

PROWL
Inhuman beasts looking to taste test a young female hitchhiker and a trucker who gives her a ride, thinking that he’d really like to take her out to dinner.

SCREAM OF THE BANSHEE
A screaming banshee lives in a box, kinda like Jack, but not nearly as hilarious. Someone opens the box. Well, duh.

FERTILE GROUND
City folk move to the country with aspirations of becoming rural hippies. Ancient evil is their neighbor. So, like, if you need to borrow a cup of evil, they got you covered.

THE TASK
An abandoned prison full of ghosts, a reality game show being filmed in the prison, cash prizes. The losers get their soul eaten and crapped out on someone’s lawn.

51
In reference to Area 51, the Nevada air force base where aliens are held against their will. The title also refers to how many other movies were made with this exact same plot.

See you at the movies. Just don’t sit in front of me. I mean it.

 

Honoring Devils, Space Warlords and Vomit

The Library of Congress, along with the National Film Preservation Board, both of which I am not a member but want to be, have released their 2010 picks for the top 25 movies to be placed in the Library of Congress’ National Film Registry. Several of the better selections are The Exorcist, The Empire Strikes Back and that 1967 weirdo art sci-fi, THX – 1138 4EB. And you didn’t think Congress was capable of doing anything right.

Picking movies that are “culturally, historically or aesthetically significant,” the film preservation board was right on the money with 1973’s head-spinning The Exorcist. I’m split down the middle over The Empire Strikes Back (1980); a better choice would’ve been Return of the Jedi (1983), with it’s frank depiction of Princess Leia’s genie underwear barely holding on during that laser battle over that Sarlacc pit in the Tatooine desert where the Hutt Mafia disposes of non-recyclable enemies. Not sure why THX – 1138 4EB was nominated as there wasn’t any spewing vomit or carpal tunnel-inducing genie underwear costumes.

Nominations are made each year by the public, Library of Congress staff and members of the National Film Preservation Board. YES! This means the following culturally, historically or aesthetically significant movies have a shot at being recognized, saved for posterity, and shot into space in a Thermos™ shaped time capsule so that life forms on other planets can see how badass cool we are…

C.H.U.D. (1984)
Toxic waste dumped into the New York sewer system turns street bums into cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. A gooey social commentary on the plight of the homeless.

TIME BARBARIANS (1990)
A medieval evil dude kills a warrior king’s wife, then makes tracks for present time Los Angeles. The warrior king, visibly pissed, follows evil dude through time to get an apology.

FRANKENHOOKER (1990)
A scientist accidentally runs over his girlfriend with a lawn mower and pieces her back together with parts from prostitutes. No part of that sentence sucked.

Other nominee potentials are I Dismember Mama/1974 (the entire plot is in the title), Erotic Nights of the Living Dead/1980, (the X-rated version, not the Disney Channel™ one), and Night of the Bloody Apes/1972 (a scientist gives his son the heart of a gorilla, which turns him into sex crazed monkey man. Sheer awesomeness ensues.)

To pitch your favorite movies, click HERE to visit the National Film Registry’s website, which looks like it was done by a graduate from the Art Institute™. Or a sex crazed monkey man.

Hot Alien Chicks

Finally getting through my backlog of “gotta see it” websites I bookmarked but hadn’t explored, mostly due to drinking heavily. The 10 Hottest Aliens in Movies list comes from Popcrunch.com, one of my favorite time-wasters. The article, posted November, 2010 (I told you I was drinking heavily, geez), lists their choice for the most alluring sextraterrestrials (cool word, I just made it up – hard to spell more than once, though) in the Universe (the Universe being my TV screen).

Here is Popcrunch’s Top 10 picks, with additional comments by ME…

10. Neytiri (Avatar)
Despite being the color of a Smurf, the barely clad Neytiri definitely qualifies. But the oversized feet on this 10-foot tall tree-swinger is a deal breaker. Sorry – I’m more of a knee cap guy.

9. Serleena (Men in Black 2)
Yeah, she can shape-shift, but as long as Serleena can keep shifting her shape into an interstellar D-cup, I could care less that she has tentacles.

8. Laliari (Galaxy Quest)
An octopus gal with a Bettie Page vibe and plenty of suckers. I’m imagineering our first date together as we speak.

7. Oola (Return of the Jedi)
Green skinned = OK. Underwear as outerwear = good. Three-foot long rat tails hanging off her head = NOT COOL.

6. Anna (V)
She looks like the girl behind the make-up counter at Nordstrom’s, but from another galaxy. Still, that outer space eyeliner and lunar blush suit her well.

5. Leeloo (The Fifth Element)
Band-Aid gauze as a bold fashion statement. I don’t care if she can’t speak Earth – as long as she doesn’t learn how to say no.

4. Caprica Six (Battlestar Galactica)
I think she’s a robot. I have no such prejudices against fem-bots and fully support their right to exist. That, and she has a great rack. (Transistor rack, you pervs.)

3. Aayla Secura (Star Wars Episodes II and III)
Blue skinned = OK. Leather panties = good. Three-foot long rat tails hanging off her head = NOT COOL.

2. T’Pol (Star Trek: Enterprise)
She’s a Vulcan and is 65. And yet, she doesn’t look a day over 50. T’Pol wears her vulcanised rubber suit like a surgeon’s glove. I wonder if it makes that snapping sound when she takes it off? It’s important that I know.

1. Sil (Species)
Her mission on Earth: To walk around naked, have sex with guys, and then kill them. I’m down for that, except I can’t see the end of the line. I wonder if I can pay someone to let me cut in? I have cash.

Popcrunch also gave a honorable mention to the three-boobed chick in Total Recall. Really? Honorable mention? Somebody needs to get their priorities straight. How about “Best Chick Ever” award?

Ice Creatures Are Cool

It’s bad enough Antarctica is overrun with poisonous penguins and zombie seagulls. Now there’s solid evidence of yet another reason to fear the land of ice and snow: Ningen, a cross between an armless polar bear and an ice Yeti. These rare photos of the elusive beast, provided by the mayor-honored folks at Pink Tentacle, prove conclusively, that Ningen is a film-ready cryptid to be avoided and/or the subject of 100% cotton T-shirts. Hey, it beats chasing down the legendary Radioactive Snowman who, I’m beginning to suspect, is pure myth based upon the blubber smoking hallucinations of stupid hippie Eskimos.

Pink Tentacle goes on to say that “the Ningen are said to be completely white in color with an estimated length of 20 to 30 meters. Eyewitnesses describe them as having a human-like shape, often with legs, arms, and even five-fingered hands. Sometimes they are characterized as having fins or a large mermaid-like tail instead of legs. The only visible facial features are the eyes and mouth.”

I’m thinkin’ ick. But then everything from Antarctica goons me out. But I may not have to worry if I ever vacation in that area as the Ningen are reportedly shy, submerging beneath the frigid waves when any whaling boats loaded with tourists sail by. This is good as I was worried that the Ningen would overturn my vessel, get all my stuff wet, and eat my brains, leaving what’s left to zombie seagulls to feast verily upon.

If you don’t wanna go to Antarctica – and I don’t blame you – stop by YouTube™ and take a look at reputed film footage of the brain-eating Ningen. Click HERE for the evidence.

I’m thinkin’ the Ningen is custom made for a horror movie about a boat load of bloggers who, while out floating around instead of digging up better things to post, encounter the mythical beast, who captures them after a horrific and bloody snowball fight, and makes everyone work in its ice caves, harvesting cubes for a variety of fine adult beverages, like the Ningen Margarita or the Baby Seal Slushee.

I should stop while I’m ahead.

 

Frankenstein Monster’s Christmas Wish List

Dear Santa,

Except for occasional temper tantrums, I have been a good boy all year long. Here is what I would like for Christmas…

• Flame-retardant clothing

• Pitchfork repellant

• Singing lessons

• Moisturizing cream

• Bolt polish

• Big firetruck

• Batteries (lots)

• Nicer friends

Thanks Santa, you rock!

– Franklin

A Zombie Christmas

Glistening zombie intestines instead of tacky Wal-Mart™ garland. Cadaver stomach lining used in place of over-priced gift wrap. Plucked eyeballs substituting for bitter (albeit colorful) cranberries. Severed nuts roasting on an open fire. Undead vomit gunk picking up where holiday egg nog left off. No, this isn’t my Christmas wish list (although it kinda is), but rather a zombie holiday fever dream all can enjoy.

Happened across a website called Zombie Christmas that’s loaded with a near endless supply of seasonal zombie stuff. It’s almost as if Jesus himself died and came back to life and showered hordes of his zombie followers with fetid festiveness and gut glee.

Of all the cool undead items, it’s the downloadable Zombie Nativity paper craft set that’s the neatest thing since virus infected fruitcake. The Nativity scene has zombie Wise Men, zombie barnyard animals, and a regular baby Jesus, so as to not get Christians all gooned out. (Note to churchy hardcores – lighten up already.) Simply click HERE and download the PDF, cut out the figures with a machete and celebrate Christmas in the spirit in which it was intended.

While you’re on the site, click around like you’ve been sucking on candy cane flavored crack, as you’ll find links to things like a Zombie Apocalypse Gingerbread House (by Nicholas Daley), Zombie Christmas Haikus (by Ryan Mecum), Left 4 Dead Holiday Cards (by Alexandria Neonakis), and the always-needed Zombie Santa Claus Ornaments and Zombie Snowflake Patterns, courtesy of zombie book author, Ben Tripp, the guy behind the stinkingly popular Rise Again: A Zombie Thriller paper back released in October of 2010. (384 pages, $10 on Amazon.com, killer deal, click HERE)

It’s the closest thing you’ll get to being a zombie this Christmas. Don’t worry – there’s always next year. (“Dear Santa – please bring me a zombie virus and/or plague as I’ve been really, really good all year…”)

P.S. Borrowed Zombie Santa at the top done by the dazzling skills of Randy Green. Check out his too cool Zombie S. Hunter blog HERE.

 

Outcast: Scottish Werewolves Without Leashes

Monster hunters have it rough. The hours are long (graveyard shift), the creatures they hunt are generally resentful of being relentlessly pursued and will eat your face off if given a chance, and they’re regarded as little more than meter maids with silver bullet loaded guns. Regardless, I should like to be one. Sure, the career path I’ve chosen is an honest trade (“Would you like fries with that?”). But just once I’d give anything to be able to pour gasoline on a creature of the night, light that flammable f*cker on fire, and boldly enunciate in voice meant for late night radio, “People of [insert beleaguered community here], you are safe once again!” Sigh.

The Monster Hunters in Outcast, a new Scottish horror movie about, um, hunting monsters get to do all of that and more. And their prey is a single mom and teenage son who move from town to town, trying to stay one step ahead of the gas can.

Mary (mom) and Fergal (son with dingus name) move into a discount Edinburgh apartment complex. (Edinburgh’s the capital city of Scotland, where that guy from Star Trek comes from.) Mom’s a bit of a loon, and paints their new place in runic symbols with no shirt on. Hey, no one wants to get paint on their blouse, so cut her some slack. Fergal goes all Twilight for Petronella, the girl next door, also sporting a dingus name. All the while, mangled bodies are turning up, the result of the ultimate paper cut. And the Monster Hunter society is all like, “I’ll kill yooouuu!”

While some of this might sound cool (topless mom, paint), the advance reviews thus far aren’t exactly all thumbs up-py. Dread Central has this to say about Outcast: “It all comes down to one central problem: We never really know who the central characters are or where they’ve been or where they want to go. Ambiguity is one thing; being vague is something else entirely.”

I have yet to see Outcast, but besides the “meh” title, I see nothing wrong with being vague. Or topless. DC goes on to say that the monster “looks like a cross between Lamberto Bava’s Demons and The Incredible Hulk. As ridiculous as that sounds, this is not a bad thing.”

Good enough for me. As an armchair Monster Hunter, it is my duty to seek out monster movies in all its forms, be it a creature of the night who dispenses the ultimate paper cut, or a shirtless MILF with artistic skills and a background in the Dark Arts.

P.S. They stole the 2010 Wolf Man’s claw right off the screen. I’m tellin’.

Hollywood Is Still Dead

Been a while since I dropped in on the Hollywood is Dead website and feasted my swollen eyeballs on artist Matt Busch’s new hatchet job on Tinseltown. I shouldn’t stay away so long – Matt’s got some F-word exclamation new art that’s pure genius and skewers Hollywood with his devious brand of zombie humor. And hey, it’s also suitable for framing!

Here’s some cool new stuff I found since posting an original article August 7, 2010. (It’s in here – just type Zombiewood into the search box. It will take you right to it as technology is the new Harry Potter.)

A zombie King Kong from 1976 destroying military aircraft and eating military-trained brains. A zombie Avatar that looks hungry for earth brains. A zombie Jaws hungry for, well, everything, actually. An Olivia Newton-Zombie and a John Zombie Travolta as flesh-eaters in the undead version of Grease. (Had I known they were zombies, I probably would’ve watched that puke-inducing musical with chart-topping songs and slick dance moves.)

And there’s so much more, with zombie takes on Back To The Future to the Star Wars series, James Bond, Ghostbusters, and even 1961’s Breakfast At Tiffany’s. (I bet the breakfast part is brains.)

I could-re-type all of Matt’s portfolio work, or you could just enter the Matrix and visit his site HERE. His undead movie prints are for sale, so treat yourself to something nice this holiday season. You don’t think your grandma is gonna get you a zombie Back To The Future poster this year, do you? More like Back To The Crappy Sweater.