Puzzling Horror, Egg Aliens, Camera-Ready Zombies

The most puzzling thing about horror movies is how some of them got made. Then again, without punchbowl turds as Frankenstein Island (1981), Bride of Boogedy (1987), or the painfully watchable Urotsukidôji I: Legend of the Overfiend (1989), our lives would not be as fulfilled as promised by alcohol. But what if horror movies were turned into literal puzzles? Gird your bladder — you can now get horror movie puzzles that combines b-grade with brilliance, all for $25.99 (or less).

Created by Rachid Lotf, you can get a 28”x20” 1,000-piece House of Horrors puzzle, a spectacular and colorful collage of featuring Halloween, Jaws, The Thing, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and lots more. Or there’s the Horror Night Watch Party, also 1,000 pieces, featuring Pinhead, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Chucky, Michael Myers and Leatherface, all watching horror movies on a TV as if having some sort of social gathering. And Rachid’s Horror VHS Cemetery puzzle is like a trip down a Blockbuster Video™ memory lane. P.S. there’s even a Blockbuster™ era video puzzle.

While you can buy all of ’em (and more) by clicking this, here are few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem like a puzzle missing a few pieces…

ALIEN INVASION / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A group of friends find a large strange egg that hatches. Unfortunately, the egg contains an intergalactic predator. Now they must stop it from reaching civilization.”

Eggs are a super food, so not seeing the problem here.

TIN & TINA / Out now (Netflix™)

“After a tragic abortion, Lola and her husband Adolfo adopt Tin and Tina, a seemingly angelic brother and sister with an ultra-Catholic education that makes them interpret the Holy Bible verbatim.”

Reading the Bible verbatim should scare the Holy crap outta everyone.

THE DEVIL’S STOMPING GROUND / JUNE 27, 2023 (VOD)

“On May 1, 2021, fifteen college film students traveled to the place in the Uwharrie Mountains of North Carolina, known as The Devil’s Tramping Ground, to shoot their senior short film project. What happened that night was a tragedy. The Devil’s Stomping Ground is a narrative feature, edited together from the footage the seniors were shooting for their movie and the behind-the-scenes documentary footage two juniors were shooting of their efforts. The film chronicles the day and subsequent night of their shoot. It is a cautionary tale about temptation, pushing your luck, and the inevitable consequences of being oblivious to your surroundings. Will they be ‘forever changed’ as the legend suggests?”

The tragedy is they turned this into a movie.

FINAL CUT / July 14, 2023 (VOD)

“Set against the backdrop of a B-movie shoot that is descending into disaster, the director who seems to be the only one invested with the necessary energy to keep the low-budget zombie film afloat. As he tries to gee up jaded technicians and uninterested actors, shooting is disturbed by the arrival of authentic undead.”

This is the French remake of Japanese zombie comedy, One Cut of the Dead. I have no idea why I know that.

Spider Clock, Flipping Haunted Houses, Space Crabs

Audemars Piguet™, makers of some of the most exquisite and exquisitely expensive watches and clocks in the world, just announced their upcoming Spider-Man branded watch. For all its vaunted bells and whistles — sapphire crystal, glow-in-the-dark hands and numerals, a transparent caseback, and an interchangeable strap system — it sadly does not shoot spider-webs. Probably doesn’t have a built-in walkie-talkie to chit chat with Tony Stark, either. 

From website: “The Swiss brand’s new Royal Oak Concept Tourbillon features the superhero Spider-Man at the center of an open-worked dial. This is actually the second co-branded wristwatch to land in the AP x Marvel universe and follows in the footsteps of 2021’s Black Panther Tourbillion. The newcomer pairs a 42 mm titanium case with a black ceramic bezel and crown to ensure your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man gets all the focus. The hero takes up almost all of the dial with his signature web-shooting pose.”

Thinking about buying it? Just be forewarned the Spider-Man watch is limited to 250 and will run you $215,000.00, which is, ironically, just criminal. Here’s some more web-spinning numbers: “The Swiss watchmaker has auctioned off a one-of-a-kind piece called the Royal Oak Concept Tourbillon Black Suit Spider-Man to raise funds for a nonprofit. Inspired by the black suit rocked by the superhero in some ’80s comics, the one-off sold for $6.2 million at a private event in Dubai.”

So while we go to Amazon.com and buy the reachably affordable $10.99 Spider-Man digital watch with a sweet adjustable silicone band (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you web your pants…

THE AMITYVILLE CURSE / Out now (Tubi™)

“A group of friends purchase an infamous home with the intention of flipping it, only to discover a deadly paranormal presence emanating from within the house.”

Originally, The Amityville Curse, which was released in the Philippines as Amityville Horror 1993, is a 1990 Canadian-made horror flick. Not sure why they decided to call this new one exactly the same. Given the plot, it should be called, Flip This Amityville House.

COCAINE CRABS FROM OUTER SPACE / June 1, 2023 (Blu-ray/DVD), Fall 2023 (VOD)

“When a couple of intergalactic space crabs land on Earth, they encounter the one thing they didn’t expect…a duo of dumb frat boys force-feeding them cocaine! As it turns out, cocaine gives space crabs an overbearing impulse to kill! Their string of peculiar homicides has Detective Charlie Reese thinking that something smells fishy…literally! Convinced that the detective may be onto something, the two of them find themselves teaming up in the deadly wake of the coked-out crabs!”

Bears, sharks, alligators and now crabs. Extraterrestrials must think all our animals are drug addicts.

AGED / June 15, 2023 (VOD)

“After taking a temporary job as a caregiver, a young woman realizes her employer and the house have a dangerous, dark past.”

This does zero into getting us interested enough to watch it. Throw in a cocaine werewolf (they kinda all act like they’re on cocaine, now that I think about it), and you’ll get my attention.

SUBJECT / Release pending 2023 (Screambox™)

“A man is ensnared in a sinister government experiment. On his way to prison, Willem is presented with an intriguing offer: take part in a shadowy government experiment and have his sentence commuted. But little does he know his isolation experiment may not be what it seems, casting doubt upon his perceived solitude and raising questions about his true state of aloneness.”

They had me at shadowy government experiment, which pretty much sums up my life these days.

Monster Auction, Pharmaceutical Felines, Terrible Whales

Got a few hundred thousand spare bitcoin laying around? Then you might wanna head over to PropstoreAuction and get your fan freak on at all the cool movie memorabilia going up for grabs in Los Angeles, June 28 — 30, 2023. And you can preorder the auction catalog for a wallet-stopping $60 to see all the horror/sci-fi/fantasy movie props going up on the auction chopping block. (click here)

Want the evil clown doll from Poltergeist (1982)? It’s expected to bid out between $200,000 to $400,000. Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia dress from the original Star Wars movies and the Batpod used by Christian Bale in The Dark Knight (2008)? Yeah, projected to fetch around $2,000,000 each. Need Harry Potter’s distressed costume with glasses from 2002’s Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? Expensive, but you do need a new enchanted bathrobe, yes?

Other props include Jason Voorhees’ hockey mask from Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Thor’s cracked Mjolnir hammer used by both Natalie Portman and Chris Hemsworth in 2022’s Thor: Love and Thunder, one of Harrison Ford’s costumes from Blade Runner (1982), and that super scary spider head from John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982).

From PropstoreAuction’s website: “Propstore is holding a preview exhibition at its office facility in Valencia, CA by appointment from May 29 to June 20. The exhibition will feature over 80 lots, giving fans and hopeful bidders the chance to see props and costumes from the auction up close and ask questions to the specialists.” Click here for more info than I have time to include.

So while we all fantasize about driving the Batpod to the store while wearing Princess Lei’s dress and Jason’s hockey mask, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as super scary as a spider head…

COCAINE COUGAR / Out now (DVD/Blu-ray), Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A cougar high on cocaine escapes an animal testing facility and wrecks havoc on Los Angeles.”

Cougars in L.A. doing cocaine? When haven’t they? 

MOTHER, MAY I? / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“Emmett wants to clean and flip his recently deceased mother’s house: get in, get out, and avoid any trauma still lingering from when she abandoned him as a young child. Anya, his fiancé, see’s this as an opportunity to finally force Emmett to deal with his trauma because she believes it is preventing him from being the partner she needs. So she convinces him to take mushrooms to get him to let go. But something strange happens while they’re tripping: she starts behaving like his mother. The next morning he wakes up sober, but she still won’t drop the act. Anya loves playing games — is this her taking it too far? Or did his mother’s spirit somehow possess her?”

This is what happens when you take drugs. Stick to beer and stay out of trouble. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

WHALE GOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD/DVD/Blu-ray™)

“Once a year, the quiet fishing village of Wadaura in Southern Japan is in a turmoil. The whalers have always concentrated their efforts to try and catch a Killer Whale which is easily twice as large as an ordinary leviathan, and passes by in the offing at the same time every year. Shaki, whose grandfather, father, and elder brother were all victims of the Killer Whale, is determined to kill it. As an inducement, the headman of the village promises to give his only daughter and all his possessions to anyone who succeeds in disposing of the terrible whale.”

This one came out in Japan in 1962 marketed under the generic title, Killer Whale. Now, six decades later, we’re finally gonna be able to see this lost Kaiju movie, with the title amphibian being a practical special effect and, get this, built to scale! Watch the trailer on YouTube™ to see how b*tchin’ cool this Orcinus orca is.

THE MOVERS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A close-knit family who moves into a seemingly charming neighborhood, only to discover all is not what it appears. As they face persistent threats, the family begins to question their reality and the world around them. It’s a nightmarish universe of deceiving angels and compassionate demons, lost souls desperately seeking a way out.”

I live in a seemingly charming neighborhood as well, and it has a deceiving angel (me) and compassionate demons (Amazon™ delivery people). 

Hell Liquor, Animated Titan, Evil Gas

Naga Chilli Vodka™, sporting a demon skull on the label, claims to be the hottest vodka on the planet by its distillers, The Hot Enough Vodka Co.™ They claim its rated at 500,000 Scovilles, the scale used to measure the “heat” of chili peppers, first created by American pharmacist Wilbur Scoville in 1912. (People back then sprinkled gunpowder on their grits, which had a nice kick.) 

To give you a sense of what kind of heat we’re talking about, 500,000 Scovilles puts the vodka in the hell-seeking range of the Red Savina Habanero on a scale that ranges from 350,000 to 750,000. By comparison, the soul-incinerating Ghost Pepper comes in at around 1,000,000 Scovilles. However, GP lost the cremation crown to the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion — which sits warmly at the 1,200,000 mark — and the dreaded Carolina Reaper kicking them all in the ash with a scorched earth 1,500,000+ Scovilles. Any of the these pepper names could easily be a horror movie/horror monster. 

If you can’t stand the heat, here’s a hilarious review of the Naga Chili Vodka™ From Master of Malt™, a booze reviews website: “The Hot Enough Vodka Co.™ have created another monster, summoned from the very bowels of Hell, formed in a vile carboy filled with a horrid mound of Naga Jolokia chillies, steeped in grain vodka. It’s packaged in a handsome, heavy glass bottle with industrial-grade sealing wire and lead security seal (with a skull and crossbones embossed on it). To get to this bottle, you’ll literally have to open it with wire cutters, but we strongly recommend that you don’t. In fact, this unspeakable 500,000 Scovilles vodka is a chilli vodka so horrendous we suggest you don’t even purchase it. Please just shut down your computer and have a nice cup of tea instead. Try to forget what you saw.”

All of that actually makes me wanna try it. So while we all take bar bets on doing shots of this stuff, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/animated series that may or may not be peppery enough for you…

SKULL ISLAND / June 22, 2023 (Netflix™)

“Skull Island takes viewers on a thrilling adventure as a group of kind-hearted explorers rescues Annie from the ocean, unaware that their act of heroism will lead them to the treacherous Skull Island. This enigmatic place is home to bizarre creatures and terrifying monsters, including the mighty titan himself, Kong.”

Been anticipating this one, even though it’s an animated series. Wonder if cartoon gorillas throw their leavings around like the ones at the zoo do. Or would that be…zoo doo? I think I made that joke before. Crap.

NATTY KNOCKS / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“On Halloween Eve, a small-town babysitter and the kids she is looking after struggle to survive a serial killer named Abner Honeywell.”

I liked this better when it was released in 1978.

ALL HALLOWS’ EVE: TRICKSTER / October 2023 (VOD)

“When a lost traveler comes across an isolated rural gas station on Halloween night, she thinks she’s found her way home. Unbeknown to her, the eerie gas station is the residence of a family of degenerate, devilish creatures. As the night descends into a hellish nightmare, the young woman becomes the center of an occult ritual featuring the Devil himself.”

Eerie rural gas stations are the only places you can get unleaded evil.

AMITYVILLE BACKPACK / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

“A rather hapless dude buys a backpack at a garage sale. When people around him turn up dead, he comes to believe his new accessory may be to blame. Tracking its history, he discovers it has connections back to a haunted house in a small town called Amityville.”

A killer backpack. I got a backpack for Christmas one year as a hint to get me away from the TV and get some fresh air and exercise. Alas, it remains in a hall closet, with me preferring to be possessed by the couch.

Super Smock, Heavy Metal Death, Grasshopper Man

Yahoo! Life™ recently posted an article by writer Eric Dias titled, The Complete Supergirl Costume History From the ’50s to The Flash. A daunting task given it also includes her costume evolution through the comic book/graphic novels and TV shows as well as movies. Well-researched as the article is (read it here), it didn’t scratch the surface of all the Multiverse Forever 21s™ Supergirl shops at. (Note of debatable importance: It also didn’t acknowledge the 1920s AI fan-made Supergirl on YouTube™, sporting white ensemble with gold belt and black boots. At least I think it’s those colors — it’s all in black and white, which were the colors of the day in the ’20s.)

The article also left out the first two iterations of TV Supergirl’s costume, designed by co-worker Winn Schott (cool name). Both were, um, rather stripped down before settling on the classic cape ‘n skirt version from the comic books and the Supergirl movie from 1984. Also not noted was the Supergirl “costume” worn by Laura Vandervoort in the coming-of-age superhero CW™ TV series, Smallville (2001 – 2011). Her outfit was exactly like the iconic supersuit, except she didn’t have a cape or an “S” on her chest, which didn’t need embellishment.

This brings us to 2023’s Supergirl in the upcoming (as of this writing) The Flash movie, with Sasha Calle as Kara Zor-El wearing a costume that combines the TV Supergirl’s casual Friday pant suit with that of Superman, whose been wearing the same duds since 1938.

So while we all go shopping online to get our Supergirl cosplay on, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you look fat…

DAY ZERO / May 23, 2023 (VOD), June 11, 2023 (Blu-ray/DVD)

“After serving eight incident-free years in prison, a former elite soldier is released, finally free to reunite with his estranged wife and young daughter. However, he re-enters civilization only to discover that the outside world has been completely overtaken by a dangerous virus with terrifying effects on the human body.”

What virus doesn’t have a dangerous effect on the body? I once caught smooth jazzitis after accidentally drinking a Zima™ from a dirty sippy cup (I thought it was vodka), but thanks to applied doses of Motörhead lozenges, I made a full recovery. 

DEATH METAL / May 30, 2023 (Blu-ray)

“A death metal band is on its last legs after a disastrous European tour and is about to be dropped by their label. Hiring a legendary producer from the Norwegian black metal scene, the band sets out to record their latest album in a remote farmhouse outfitted with top-of-the-line gear. Ivan, the lead guitarist, plans to record The Devil’s Concerto, a piece of music he brought back from Europe that — according to myth — drives audiences mad. What the band didn’t expect was that the myth was true, and they must now survive the curse that’s been unleashed.”

The Devil’s Concerto is played in the key of E(vil). Heh. Looking forward to the soundtrack as it includes concertos by Incantation, Cannibal Corpse, Shed the Skin, FaithXtractor, Embalmer, Nunslaughter, Blackfinger, The Convalescence, Prophecy of Azrael, and Casket Sacrifice. They all seem nice.

THE SOUND OF SUMMER / June 13, 2023 (Blu-ray)

In the relentless heat of the grueling summer, temperatures soar to blistering levels as cicadas emerge to sing their ear-shattering song. Months of continued exposure is enough to make anyone start to feel a little off. Anyone, that is, except that oddity the locals call the Cicada Man. Who is that strange man and why is he always walking around with boxes full of live cicadas? More important, what does he do with them? As the heat starts to get to our heroine, and her sanity depletes, real life and delusion begin to mix. Her darkest nightmares seep into our world and she fears the Cicada Man has planted his swarm of insects inside her. She must get them out — at all costs. Thus begins her downward spiral into extreme paranoia and self-mutilation.”

Cicada is just a fancy word for grasshopper. Still, they had me at “cicadas emerge to sing their ear-shattering song.” Wouldn’t have the same zing if it was “grasshoppers emerge to sing their ear-shattering song.”

THE HOPEWELL HAUNTING / June 16 2023 (VOD)

“When a mysterious and frightened young couple arrives in the small town of Hopewell, they immediately flee their rural, dilapidated home in terror. With nowhere to go, they turn to an elderly, jaded preacher for help. After he begrudgingly agrees to bless their troubled abode, he finds himself face to face with the unknown in what locals have dubbed the most haunted house in Kentucky.”

Kentucky, eh? Maybe they should call this The Amityville Hillbilly.

More Megalodons, AI Sci-Fi, Cutlery Kids

As mystically foretold on my May 9, 2023 blogging, here are three more/new ad sheets for Meg 2: The Trench, these coming from the incredibly prolific Xin Yi Lian, whose done countless movie art, including Time Raiders, Journey to the West: Reincarnation of the Demon King, and the 2021 Chinese 3D animated fantasy action film, Xin Shen Bang: Ne Zha Chongsheng. I don’t know what that means.

The new art — like the movie’s trailer — promises more giant and super mean creatures from the bottom of the ocean, including a kaiju-esque Kraken (Seattle hockey franchise AND big squid) and THREE megs. Releasing on August 4, 2023, Meg 2: The Trench looks to chew up and sh*t out the summer box office competition.

So while we wait for even more Meg 2 movie posters (there were 26 for the first movie), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as easily pronounceable as Xin Shen Bang: Ne Zha Chongsheng…

TRANSMUTATORS / Out now (VOD)

“Set in a time when mutants and behemoth alien warriors have come to a rule, a rebel group of survivors must embrace mega fighting machines to take on intergalactic invaders threatening humanity. 

This Filipino science fiction action film, or “movie”, was originally called Resiklo, which translates to Recycle. Given the photocopied plot plot, that sounds about right…

THE CREATOR / September 29, 2023 (Theaters)

“Amid a future war between the human race and the forces of Artificial Intelligence, Joshua, a hardened ex-special forces agent grieving the disappearance of his wife, is recruited to hunt down and kill the Creator, the elusive architect of advanced AI who has developed a mysterious weapon with the power to end the war — and mankind itself.”

The Terminator is listed as one of the screenwriters.

HORRORSCOPE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of college friends who, after getting their horoscopes read, begin dying in ways connected to their fortunes. Are their fates fatal or can they change what’s written in the stars?”

So college friends begin dying and it’s asked if their fates are fatal? Who wrote this — a college student? 

TIME OF MOULTING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In a small town in 1970s West Germany, Stephanie is raised by two parents who have no business having children. The mother, never far from despair-induced collapse, suffers from an unspecified medical condition — one both mental and physical. The father makes it clear that he has no patience for his daughter Young Stephanie takes solace in exploring the mysteries hidden away in the increasingly untidy house, particularly the trunk full of her grandfather’s butcher’s equipment; older Stephanie takes far more sinister comfort in the tools found therein.”

Say what you will about kids playing with butcher tools — at least it keeps ’em away from drugs.

Kaiju Clothes, AI Vampires, Death To Earth

Got a spare $8,350.00 laying around and are need of some new church clothes? The MCS: Animatronic Attraction Maker in China has you covered. Makers of kaiju-sized animated dinosaurs (presumably to scare the fèihuà out of neighboring enemies), they now set their sights on creating a Godzilla suit that comes complete with G-sounds, spraying smoke and (my fav), nuclear pulse effect. To throw more bonus on the fire, MCS is shipping this 61lb. costume — for free.

Spiked head to clawed toe, the costume measures out at 7.87 feet tall, big enough to cram three frat boys into. The suit is made of silicone rubber, with a stainless steel frame, and colorized with high density foam-oil paint. From their product description: “We wanted to get a real nuclear pulse in the Godzilla suit-making process, so we added the LED light flashing effect to show Godzilla’s various emotions. The mouth can spray smoke and emit a light beam. For Godzilla fans, this is a real giant radioactive monster. It is time for you to wear this king of all costumed Kaiju at Godzilla cosplay events.”

So while we all go to the bank and fill out a loan application and put our car/house up for collateral and buy this suit immediately (only three left as of this e-barfing — click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make you spray smoke…

IMMORTAL OBSESSION: A HISTORY OF VAMPIRES / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“Written, illustrated, and performed entirely by AI, Immortal Obsession: A History of Vampires explores the classic monster’s captivating history, from their origins in ancient folklore to their enduring role in modern pop culture. Innovative filmmaker Brian Cunningham utilized ChatGPT to write a compelling script, a video generator to create a lifelike host, an art generator to provide striking illustrations, and a music engine to compose a dynamic score. Cunningham’s human touch was used to refine the script and edit together all of the AI-produced assets.”

AI-generated or not, vampires are not immortal. I have a Bible™ brand crucifix, a rib-eye stake and a six-pack of holy water (Budweiser™) to challenge any vampire’s deathlessness.

SECRET SPACE UFOS FASTWALKERS / Out now (VOD)

“An exhilarating adventure into the mysterious world of NASA-related UFO encounters in space. Starting in the late 1970s and continuing until now, expert researchers will reveal a history of anomalies recorded by military and space research missions. Beginning with Skylab 3’s UFO incident, expanding into the STS/ISS Mission Era, director Darcy Weir and the rest of the team uncover a deep recent history of UFO sightings in space. In the present day they uncover all of the developments in Congress regarding UAP research and disclosure to the public during 2023. A new interview conducted with a long lost space anomalies researcher Martyn Stubbs is included in this documentary.”

NASA is sitting on tons of UFO footage, but all the good stuff remains unseen by the “I want to believe” public. I bet all of it is stored in recyclable plastic grocery bags in the Pentagon’s hall closet.

SCAVENGER / Out now (VOD)

“Set in the wastelands of a future dystopia, Scavenger charts the transgressive journey of a female organ dealer as she seeks revenge on the remorseless crime cartel that murdered her family.”

I’d like to be an organ donor. If I ever get around to kicking the bucket, I hereby bequeath my Wurlitzer to anyone who can lift that f’n thing.

DOOMSDAY METEOR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A meteor bigger than the moon, and unseen by Earth until now, has less than a week until planetary impact. Scientists try to stop the giant mass with rockets armed with high-powered lasers. When that fails they land on the asteroid, mounting it with rockets in an attempt to push its orbit away from Earth. But as the team continues to run into problems they never imagined, the future of mankind becomes more and more bleak.”

For a similar but more hi-brow apocalyptic “rogue planet smashes into Earth” movie, watch Meloncholia (2011). You will actually cheer on the destruction of this stinkhole planet.

Paranormal Polygon, Tree Monsters, God Gun

According to theologians, the Bermuda Triangle, also known as the Devil’s Triangle, is a region in the western part of the North Atlantic Ocean where more than 50 ships and 20 airplanes are said to have mysteriously disappeared. Reasons range from Stargates to Aliens, giant sea monsters to religion gone wild. But now, according to Australian scientist Karl Kruszelnicki, we can all now stop making waves: The loss and disappearance of ships and planes is a mere fact of probabilities. And we should believe an Australian scientist. After all, they invented kangaroos.

In a myth-crushing article recently published on PopularMechanics.com, Kruszelnicki says, “the sheer volume of traffic — in a tricky area to navigate, no less — shows the number of ships and planes that go missing in the Bermuda Triangle is the same as anywhere in the world on a percentage basis.” He says that both Lloyd’s of London™ — the world’s leading insurance market — and the U.S. Coast Guard support that idea. (Note of interest: Lloyd’s of London™ has had this same theory since the 1970s.)

Fairly unremarkable given how many movies/documentaries were made about the paranormal polygon. Should you be predisposed to swim down this path, here are a few recommendations: Death Ship (1980), Triangle (2009), Bermuda Triangle Revealed: The Devil’s Graveyard (2014), and Drain The Bermuda Triangle (2014). 

While you’re deciding if you give a screaming theory or not about “science” and “facts”, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have kangaroos in ’em…

OUTPOST / May 19, 2023 (Theaters)

“After a violent attack, a woman searches for strength in the solitude of a lookout job the mountains of Northern Idaho, but is overwhelmed by something darker.”

Having a job as a lookout would be awesome. For one thing, you could prove beyond a shadow of a doubt if bears crap in the woods. Until now, it’s only been a topic of speculation.

POLLEN / June 6, 2023 (VOD)

“After a senior coworker assaults a bright-eyed young woman, her dream job becomes a living nightmare as she tries to keep her career together while being tormented at work, at home, and in her dreams by a mysterious tree monster.”

Tree monsters are the worst. Why can’t they more like the tree creatures (aka, Ents) in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)? It’d be fun to hang out with one of those guys. And if a Frisbee™ got stuck in its branches, he’d get it down for you. That is beyond cool. 

GOD IS A BULLET / June 23, 2023 (Theaters)

“Detective Bob Hightower finds his ex-wife murdered and his daughter kidnapped by an insidious cult. Bob takes matters into his own hands and infiltrates the secretive cult to try to save his daughter. With the help of the cult’s only female victim escapee, Case Hardin, Bob and Case go down the rabbit hole with The Ferryman to save his daughter and find closure for Case from the cult – and its maniacal leader — that took so much away from her.”

If God is the bullet, then is religion the gun?

DON’T GET IN THE CAR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In the dead of night in Los Angeles, a woman is forced to complete errands in a 1960s Lincoln Continental if she wants to survive the night and save the ones she loves.”

Remember when you were a kid and your mom always said to not get into a car driven by strangers? I have two words for that: Uber™ and Lyft™.

Shark Treats, Island Vampires, Stupid Zombies

Three new official character posters for Meg 2: The Trench. (The one I posted on November 16, 2022 was a fan-made piece of crap.) Quick update in case you didn’t see The Meg back in 2018 — a megalodon shark, about the size of Florida, swims up from the bottom of the ocean for some screaming taste treats. Now, in Meg 2: The Trench, more megalodons and added hungry sea monsters come to the surface for — you guessed it — more screaming taste treats.

The opening scene in the trailer for Meg 2: The Trench shows a dinosaur being attacked and graphically consumed by a shore-breaching megalodon. From there it gets even more believable. There were 26 movie posters for The Meg, so these three are just the tip of the tooth. Meg 2: The Trench opens wide in theaters on August 4, 2023.

While we go get in line for the movie now (you want good seats, don’t you?), here are few out now horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not go down as easily as screaming taste treats…

RESURRECTED / Out now (VOD)

“The Catholic Church learns how to resurrect people. The whole process is kept secret and follows strict rules: only sinless believers under the age of 65 can be resurrected. The film is set on the computer of Stanley, an on-line church priest who helps those who were brought back to life. He is divorced and his son lives with his ex-wife, so he can chat with him only on-line. Stanley’s son was the first person to be resurrected after he died in a car accident that Stanley caused. Soon Stanley learns that there is a huge conspiracy behind the resurrection process.”

Just like the Catholic Church™ to impose a pile of strict rules in order to be brought back from the dead. I bet that Jesus guy got a free pass.

PULAU / Out now (VOD)

“The vacation of a group of youngsters turns into an endless horrifying nightmare after a losing bet forces them to spend a night on a deserted island. As they stumble upon a mysterious abandoned village, they accidentally break an old spell that was placed to restrain an antagonizing spirit trapped in the island. One by one, they are made to suffer the gripping and gruesome consequences of their mistakes, infuriating an evil creature that needs human blood to stay alive. The only way out is in the hands of a girl who desperately needs to use her supernatural gift to untangle an unsettling history connected to a tainted cross-cultural love story.”

Sounds like they happened upon one of those possible island vampires. They’re allergic to papaya, command a legion of monkey butlers and have to wear so much sunblock, they look like members of KISS.

TULAH 6/13 / Out now (VOD)

“Five teenagers who decided to go on vacation on June 13 before getting preoccupied with their final college assignments. But their beautiful vacation plans turned tense after the car they were driving was involved in a single accident. Gilang, who woke up alone in the car, tried to find his other four friends, but at the same time he received a barrage of terror that terrified him. These terrors made him remember his childhood trauma when he celebrated his birthday which falls on June 13th.”

The last time I received a barrage of terror that terrified me was walking into the Tug Tavern during speed dating night.

UNDEADUCATED / Out now (VOD)

“So, what might happen if you were stuck late at school when the zombie apocalypse happens? What’s going on? Is this all part of some twisted experiment the professor is conducting on the kids? Did the crazy cook do it? Will they see tomorrow?”

They just found a way to make zombie movies even worse.

Dog Thing, The Birth of Evil, Frankenbrother

One of the most f’d up scenes in horror sci-fi movie history happened in 1982’s John Carpenter’s The Thing, when an alien organism, discovered by a Norwegian research base in Antarctica, infects a sled dog. The doomed doggy is rescued by American researchers and they put the fuzzy mutt in the pen with the others pups. It’s here where the alien life-form turns the dog inside out as it tries to mimic its host. The infamous result was super sick, mega gory, and set the bar high for extraterrestrial relations with humans. And now you can relive that scene with NECA’s™ release of The Thing – Dog Creature Ultimate Deluxe 7″ Scale Action Figure. Ickiness just got more fun.

From NECA’s™ press release: “From ordinary dog to morphing monstrosity, this fully articulated deluxe figure includes more than 25 interchangeable pieces to customize your Dog Creature for maximum horror. It comes in collector-friendly five-panel packaging with opening front flap. The action figure sells for $59.99 (preorder it here) and is expected to ship in September of 2023.”

So while you decide if you’re a dog lover and won’t touch this…THING…with a 10-foot Milk-Bone™, or a fan of all things horror regardless of how revolting it is, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong buried in Antarctic snow…

EXORCISM IN UTERO / May 23, 2023 (VOD)

“Herma Frigg, a pregnant woman running from a bad relationship, becomes possessed when she puts on a magical ring she discovers in the basement of the house where she is house sitting. Haunted by stranger dreams, she sleepwalks next door to visit Peter O’Neill, the pre-teen horror movie buff living next door. As Herma’s body transforms and her mind deteriorates and Peter deals with family drama, these visits lead to an unusual bond between the two. But can Peter find a way to help Herma find a way out of her predicament and save her unborn baby?”

So that’s where I left that ring…

THE ANGRY BLACK GIRL AND HER MONSTER / June 9, 2023 (VOD)

Vicaria is a brilliant teenager who believes death is a disease that can be cured. After the brutal and sudden murder of her brother, she embarks on a dangerous journey to bring him back to life.

Yeah, death is a disease that can be cured — but the doctor bill will kill you.

THE MONSTER MASH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“The Monster Mash features three gruesome mini-horror films: ‘Whispering Hollow Road,’ a dark, shadowy noir with a monstrous twist; ‘The House,’ a modern Gothic tale of lycanthropy; and ‘Homebound Horror,’ a grimy grind house tale of otherworldly revenge.”

If Slayer, whose songs sound like the above, did the soundtrack, this could be retitled The Monster Mosh. Okay, not quite comedy gold, there. More like comedy copper.

DOCTOR JEKYLL / Release pending (2023)

“Dr. Nina Jekyll is a recluse who finds friendship with her newly hired help, Rob. They must work together to prevent Hyde from destroying her life.”

I say let your freak flag fly. My dual personality usually comes out on Tequila Tuesdays at the Tug Tavern. That guy can be a real dick.