Archive for mummy

A Ghost You Can’t See

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 16, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Dead Room

In the 2015 scare-deficient The Dead Room, three paranormal researchers go into a run down house in the woods that a family fled after being spooked out of their lease by something invisible and angry. Think Casper the Unfriendly Ghost. An insurance company hired them to prove/disprove the place is haunted. It is. Claim settled.

The Dead Room

The team is made up of Holly, a young Goth-y girl who is a psychic, Liam, the guy who knows how to run all the cameras/gear by plugging the right chords into the right holes, and the older man, Scott, is an outright skeptic. Once geared up, they wait for the ghost to make spooky stuff happen. It takes a while, but soon the unseeable entity starts throwing furniture around like it was being yanked by fishing line. Then anything sharp gets hucked right at soft and splittable heads.

The Dead Room

After much door slamming, windows breaking, books unshelving themselves and indoor wind, the crew abandons their paid gig and packs their cameras to leave. It’s here they see smoke-like smoke coming from behind a wall. Doesn’t smell like burning, so clearly there’s a ghost in the walls. Time for some sledgehammer action.

The Dead Room

After breaking through the sheetrock, they discover a room with a ladder leading down into a hole. Well heck, who wouldn’t want to go down there? I’m surprised there wasn’t a pushing contest to see who got to go first. Once in the “basement”, they find a mummified corpse of an old woman chained to a chair. She looks like she hasn’t washed her hair for decades. Ick.

The Dead Room

And it’s here the team figures out the secret behind the hauntings. Unfortunately, their revelation came a few beats too late and the ghost you never get to see evicts all of them — permanently. If this sounds familiar, it’s because they took giant ice cream scoops of The Legend of Hell House (1973) and slapped a dumb title on it.

Metal For Your Face, Empowered Horror Women, Cursed Movie Stars

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Iron Maiden

If you’re a fan of heavy metal (again, why wouldn’t you be?), you’ll load your britches over a gaggle of new Iron MaidenEddieHalloween masks by Trick or Treat Studios (.com). Eddie, as everyone in the universe knows (even aliens), is the ghoulish mascot for Iron Maiden, gracing the cover of all their albums, sometimes as a zombie slasher, undead WWII pilot, an Egyptian mummy and even a living dead cyborg. If I was a cyborg, I’d want to look like Eddie. Then we could hang out all day and do cool cyborg stuff.

Eddie

So now Trick or Treat Studios is set to release four new Iron Maiden full head masks, including “Aces HighEddie, Powerslave, Somewhere in Time Eddie, Final Frontier Eddie, and Number of the Beast Eddie. What, no Groundhog’s Day Eddie? Prices for this sublime face-wear ranges from $49.99 — $59.00. A mere pittance to look like one of heavy metal’s most famous icons.

Iron Maiden

A little history: the rotting, skeletal visage of Eddie was done by artist Derek Riggs, was based on an original design by art student who just happened to be BBFs with DaveLightsBeasley, who, back in the early band days, was in charge of lighting, pyrotechnics and other hearing-damaging effects for Iron Maiden’s live show.

Iron Maiden

The new masks will be available August/September of this year, which I was just told is 2018. Geez, it was 1980 just a few days ago. So while we wait for our molded plastic makeover, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to bang your rubber-encased head to…

Dead List

DEAD LIST (May 1, 2018/VOD)
Calvin is competing with five other actors — Zander, Scott, Kush, Jason and Bob — for a major movie role. Stopping at nothing to win the role of a lifetime, he uses a demonic book to curse his fellow actors, with each actor being killed off in their own separate unique and terrifying chapter.”

Sounds like one of those Final Destination (2000) things, but with demon flavorings added. The only demonic book I know is the TV Guide™. That flippin’ thing is evil and will suck your soul right out of your eyeballs on a nightly basis for hours at a time.

Mary Shelley

MARY SHELLEY (May 25, 2018)
“Passionate and rebellious teenager Mary Wollstonecraft finds a kindred spirit in poet Percy Shelley. Their whirlwind love affair scandalizes polite society, as the young couple gorge on literature and a bohemian life. When tragedy strikes and the couple lose their baby daughter, Mary strikes back, finding the courage and bravery to transform her pain into the world’s first science fiction novel, Frankenstein— all by the age of 18.”

Mary Shelley, back in the 1800s, was the woman who created Frankenstein, but she’s not the only one. Have you met my mom?

Under The Silver Lake

UNDER THE SILVER LAKE (June 22, 2018)
“Young and disenchanted Sam meets a mysterious and beautiful woman who’s swimming in his building’s pool one night. When she suddenly vanishes the next morning, Sam embarks on a surreal quest across Los Angeles to decode the secret behind her disappearance, leading him into the murkiest depths of mystery, scandal and conspiracy.”

I’m thinkin’ the girl in the pool is a ghost mermaid on the swim from the Law. As for the surreal quest across Los Angeles, just driving a few blocks in Hollywood definitely qualifies.

Don't Leave Home

DON’T LEAVE HOME (2018/2019)
“An American artist’s obsession with a disturbing urban legend leads her to an investigation of the story’s origins at the crumbling estate of a reclusive painter in Ireland.”

I can only guess that the urban legend is a sober Irishman. Heh.

Swappin’ Spit With Mummy

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Mummy's KIss

Four Centuries ago Princess Ankahnten — that saucy little minx with fewer morals than me — was mummified for showing her boobs and other stuff involving nakedness. Good thing they moved her top-heavy corpse to Los Angeles where all those supermodels walk the Earth so she can lick up, uh, pick up where she left off.

The Mummy's Kiss

You see, the Egyptian Sorceress was given a Texas funeral for dabbling in forbidden pleasures of the booty. This was 3,000 years ago, well before the booty was invented. So you can see why it was deemed illegal.

The Mummy's Kiss

Now, reincarnated through the satanic forces of special effects, the oddly undecomposed (yet hot) Princess Ankahnten is trying to track down the reincarnation of her lost love — a personal comfort device. Um, I mean, ex-girlfriend. Same thing, I suppose.

The Mummy's Kiss

Connect the dots from there. After a while it all gets boring, but be careful not to get lube all over the remote.

Wailing Wolf-Man

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Face of the Screaming Werwolf

If you’ve seen 1964’s Face of the Screaming Werewolf and walked away confused as all heck, you’re not alone — Screaming Werewolf, made from parts of several different movies (La Momia Azteca/1957 and La Casa del Terror/1959), is a screaming mess, beside the fact it would’ve been better titled as The Screaming Werewolf Face. (Personal preference.)

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

The movie starts out with doctor-esque archaeologist guys hypnotizing a psychic chic (psy-chic — heh) who life regressions herself as a sacrificial Aztec test dummy. This leads the history dudes to an Aztec pyramid, where they discover and bring back a two mummies (but no daddies — heh). Right here we have several problems — one of the crusty corpses is the sacrificed Aztec gal and the other a regular guy who happens to be a werewolf. How an American werewolf ended up mummified in Mexico is just part of this “movie’s” abstract premise. (Must’ve been a heckuva booze cruise, though.)

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

So they bring the mummies back and a mad scientist, whose lab is located through a secret door in the back of a horror wax museum, applies volts to jolt the man mummy back to life. With only a meager supply of electricity, the experiment fails. Nature steps in, supplying lightning and one heck of a utility bill. Prior to the power-up, his face looked he fell asleep in a bowl of pancake batter. And because it’s a full moon, his moon-beamed mug becomes covered in fur where there was no fur before. Nothin’ left to do now but go on a choking spree.

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

The werewolf runs out into traffic and doesn’t bark at even one car. Then he makes a girl faint, throws her over his shoulder like a sack of pancake flour brought to market, and climbs up the side of an apartment building, all the while being climb-pursued by one of the scientists. Then the werewolf climbs through a window and comes all the way back down to the street using the stairs. (He probably didn’t want to wait for the elevator.)

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

Meanwhile, the Aztec mummy comes back to life and goes after the psychic woman. The werewolf, now slingin’ a different chick who really put up a fight and even smashed a decorative vase over the monster’s head, brings her back to the wax museum. I have no idea why. The scientist throws chemicals around like holy water, starts a fire and battles the werewolf. Somehow the werewolf is bested and catches fire, which makes him turn back into man form, his shirt still buttoned tucked in as if prepping for a school photo. The cops show up to dismiss the numerous “werewolf” sightings as just a simple case of a man burning on the floor in front of them.

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

The werewolf looked werewolf-y enough, but his upper fangs were grimy and his lower fangs Pepsodent™ bright. He wore a belt to hold up his freshly ironed britches and kept shoes on the entire time. They were neatly tied. Didn’t know werewolves to be such fastidious dressers. Too bad the filmmaker didn’t follow suit. (Heh.)

Vampire Face Cream

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 1, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I, Vampiri

I, Vampiri (1956), also known as Lust of the Vampire and The Devil’s Commandment, is a patience-testing Italian vampire movie based on the Elizabeth Bathory legend, which has Giselle du Granda, a vampire chick who needs the blood of young chicks to bathe away her oldness in. She goes to all this trouble when a nice moisturizer would add miles to her mug. (I recommend a purse-friendly jug of Kiehl’s™ Ultra-Facial Cream, which sells for a reasonable $27.50 at Nordstrom™.)

Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream

No scares or suspense, a lot of yapping and a lot of stock footage. Then there’s the usual stuff of missing bloodless young chicks and E-Bath trying to stay one step ahead of the local inspector (or “detective”).

I, Vampiri

I’ll say this about her pad, though —  the skeleton bat gargoyle decor makes for excellent ambiance and really enhance the Zillow™ estimated value of her castle real estate. You might need to upgrade the curtain-esque spider webs, though. I’m thinkin’ something along the lines of a nice mummy wrap chiffon.

I, Vampiri

Wanna know how many sub-titles you need to navigate before you see Giselle turn into parchment paper? Un sacco. (Sounds cooler if you say it with an Italian accent.)

Doctor to the Monsters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House of Dracula

House of Dracula (1945) is the cash-in sequel to House of Frankenstein (1944). Sadly, Co-op of The Creature and Duplex of the Damned never got off the drawing board. Dang it all to heck.

House of Dracula

In HoD, Dracula (aka, Baron Latos) is fed up with being a vampire and seeks the medical acumen of castle-dwelling Dr. Franz Edelmann. No word on whether or not Dracula got a referral from his primary care physician.

House of Dracula

Doc Edelmann, aided by two nurse assistants (one is a supermodel, the other a hunchback who looked like she just had her bra on backward), tells Dracula that he’s been experimenting with clavaria formosa, a plant whose spores have the ability to reshape bone. (Sorry skeletons; doesn’t work on you.) And with a series of blood transfusions, he can cure the quitter vampire. (P.S. The blood comes from Edelmann himself. Put that up there in the Top 5 malpractices suits of all time.)

House of Dracula

The doc must’ve left his “walk-ins welcome” sign on because Larry Talbot – the Wolf Man – also shows up, begging the doc to find a cure for his lycanthropy. (Geez, who’s next – the Mummy needing his Band-Aids™ changed?)

House of Dracula

As we all know, Talbot hates being a werewolf because of all that primal need to kill stuff. The doc theorizes that Larry’s wolf-y upgrade is not due to the moon’s influence, but there’s pressure on his brain that, with a little open head surgery and some science mold spores from the same plant, he can cure the fur.

House of Dracula

Of course, all of this goes to heck in a hand basket. During the transfusion, Dracula punks the doc and Nurse Hunchback by hypnotizing them and reversing the blood flow, thereby infecting Edelmann with Type-Oh No Negative. Now the doc’s a vampire that runs around town making work for the coroner.

House of Dracula

Somehow they wedge Frankenstein’s monster into the mix. Why not? In for a penny, in for a pound. While F’s monster doesn’t really do anything except lumber around like it was last call, it’s the now evil doc who needs to taste the wrath of torches and rakes wielded by hangman jury-esque villagers.

House of Dracula

Dracula, wearing a top hat indoors (how rude), is hammy and seems to be phoning it in. Larry Talbot sports a mustache (like he freakin’ needs more hair on his face). The doc – in both care giver and care taker form – gets most of the screen time (and will no doubt bill you for it). The hunchback nurse is killed and her body tossed in a cave hole. (I had a hunch that would happen. Heh.) And Frankenstein’s monster, who locked it up with Larry in Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man (1943), gets the raw end of the electrode YET AGAIN, and goes up in flames with the rest of the castle in the movie’s rushed climax/ending. He’ll be back.

House of Frankenstein / House of the Wolf Man

P.S. Wolf Man and Frankenstein’s M were reunited in 2009’s House of the Wolf Man. Those two just can’t seem to get along. Maybe they should try regular therapy instead of shock therapy.

L.A. Mummies

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Legion of the Dead

Someone needs a geography lesson. In Legion of the Dead (2005) an ancient Egyptian burial chamber is discovered in the hills just outside of L.A. In it lies the interred mummy of the Queen of Hollywood Egyptians.

Legion of the Dead

While studying the sarcophagus, bumbling students accidentally bring the Queen back to life. She awakens with freshly-polished nails, styled hair and no clothes. She can be forgiven for this as she has no problem with walking around naked.

Legion of the Dead

She needs a virgin’s blood to sacrifice with an Ankh (a sharp piece of wood that looks like Prince’s guitar) so that she can reanimate a legion of the mummified undead. A cop shows up and shoots one of the mummies and it explodes in a flurry of dust, like when a full vacuum cleaner bag busts open.

Legion of the Dead

This cop, it should be noted, is Bruce Boxleitner, who played that guy in Tron (1982). Bruce — what the hell happened? You don’t need this. You were in Tron, man! This gagger needs to be re-buried back in the Egyptian district of Los Angeles.