Archive for Earth

Sparse Horror, Demonic To-Do List, Evil Heaven

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, UFOs, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 22, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Minimalist horror/sci-fi movie posters say a lot with just images and not fancy logos to tell you what movie its representing. Kinda like flipping someone the middle finger without the need to say what the finger means in language befitting a merchant marine or a third-grader.

Here are some excellent examples of minimalist horror movie art, the first one being just a typewriter and a bloody hatchet, elegantly portraying the key components of The Shining (1980). An argument could be made for using the movie’s iconic snow maze with Lloyd the ghost bartender at the center of it. But hey, a typewriter and axe works.

Take a look at the other minimal horror art and see if you can tell what movie it represents. If you guess correctly, you win a cookie or something. And while you’re doing that, here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not deserve a middle finger…

DEMONIC ALIENS: UFOs FROM INNER SPACE / Out now (VOD)

“Are what we call ‘Aliens’ actually demonic forces and using the phenomenon to further their agenda on Earth? With negative effects on many experiencers, from burns to psychological damage, it would seem there are nefarious forces at work here on Earth that may not be from outer space. The bible speaks of entities upon the Earth before man as well as ten dimensions that science and academia have long lost interest in exploring. Perhaps now is the time to go back to the ancient texts to gain insight into this ever expanding phenomenon.”

Other than registering as being Republican, what other agenda could demonic forces possibly have?

BLACK LAKE DIRECTOR’S CUT / FEBRUARY 27, 2023 (VOD)

“Aarya leaves her family in the city to pursue her passion for the arts. She is gifted a red scarf and is haunted by a Churail, a demonic and malevolent South Asian witch.”

This one came out in 2020, but now gets a sweet upgrade with lots of extras. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say they added more demonic and malevolent stuff. Hope it doesn’t offend my spiritual beliefs. Just kidding — I don’t have any of those.

NEW WORLD ORDER: DARK PRINCE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When God takes on the form of a man, a grief-stricken sergeant must battle his internal demons to defeat an evil empire.”

The evil empire being Heaven, of course.

DIRTY JERSEY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three friends go for an off-roading adventure in the Pine Barrens, but their friendship is torn to pieces, along with them.”

You’d think it was the Jersey Devil making bodily harm happen, but I watched the trailer and the creature looks like an adult sized rabbit wearing pants. And not nice pants, either.

The Devil’s Wristwatch, Porno Demons, Freezer Flesh

Posted in Aliens, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 21, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Two things immediately stand out in regards to the stunning RM 66 Flying Tourbillon watch. One is its spectacular horror rock horn skeletal mechanism design that would look perfect on Black Sabbath’s wrist or an Alien movie. Secondly, the limited-to-50 pieces, is its $1.1 million dollar price tag. If you can afford it, no more “Hey, Alexa — what time is it?”

From the website of Richard Mille, maker of the worlds most extravagant watches: “Hand gestures, perhaps the most expressive form of body language, are used for sign language, certainly, but also to convey meaning beyond words, from the social conventions of greeting – the most common of which is the handshake – to more subtle cues. But the so-called devil’s horn, where the index and pinky fingers are raised as the thumb holds down the ring and middle fingers, has a particularly colorful identity. Heir to centuries of diverse traditions, beliefs and superstitions, the horn has become a cultural, social and even political phenomenon. Today, it symbolizes kinship and inclusion, with a pinch of rebellion and darkness, and a guitar riff screeching in the background.”

“The watch is made of Grade 5 titanium, a bio-compatible, highly corrosion-resistant and remarkably rigid alloy, which enables the gear train to function effortlessly. The alloy is 90% titanium, 6% aluminum and 4% vanadium. (What, no Vibranium?) The RM66 Flying Tourbillon comes fit on a comfortable black rubber strap.” Rubber? Seriously? For the million dollar plus watch, the strap should be made out of leather milled from the regalia of Judas Priest themselves.

While we go back to looking at our phones to see what time it is to rock (answer: always), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a rock horn salute…

ARTHUR MALEDICTION / February 3, 2023 (VOD)

“Since childhood, Alex has been a big fan of the fantasy film saga Arthur and the Minimoys. So his best friends surprise him with a special present for his 18th birthday — a trip to the abandoned country house where the saga was set. What begins as a weekend adventure, quickly turns into a deadly nightmare.”

Most guys wish for naked girls on their 18th birthday. But hey, if you get turned on by an abandoned country house, it’s your birthday, so go get your kink on.

DEBBIE DOES DEMONS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“300 year old sorceress plans to unleash hell on Earth. When four friends summon Carmilla with a Ouija™ board, it’s up to Debbie to send this witch bitch back where she belongs.”

The title is a spoof on the infamous 1978 pornography movie, Debbie Does Dallas, in which high school cheerleaders use their nakedly charms to raise money to go to Texas to try out for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. They raised the money — and more — but I don’t think they ever got around to finishing their scholarly education.

GRANDMA / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“A young woman looking for a new beginning inherits a large sum of money and uses it to buy an old bed and breakfast way out in the country, with hopes to renovate and reopen. Unbeknown to the young woman, 20 years ago it was Grandma’s Bed ‘n Breakfast, a popular place for the locals to come and eat. The food was always so delicious, but there were never any tourists around for some reason. After several out of towners came looking for their missing family members, everything pointed back to Grandma. The police found the missing tourists, along with many others, partially eaten in the freezer, but Grandma was never found, now believed to be dead after all these years.”

I liked this better when it was called Motel Hell (1980).

PEGGY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After years of torment, Peggy finally gets revenge on all those who wronged her in the past.”

Where have I heard of this plot before? I know…EVERYWHERE.

Classic Horror Reimagined, Hot-Rodded Earth, Murder Church

Posted in Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 13, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Phil Postma is freelance designer living in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. You may have heard of that place. But you may not have heard about Phil, who is distinctively one of the more unique illustrators/animators on the face of Planet Canadia.

His character reimagining of classic Universal monster movie ad sheets is nothing short of ingenious. Dracula, The Wolf-Man, The Bride of Frankenstein, Creature From The Black Lagoon, The Mummy, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Invisible Man… And Phil doesn’t stop there. He’s designed a colorful and killer line of horror/sci-fi movie graphic t-shirts. If you go to Phil’s blogspot (right here), plan on happily spending a lot of time/money perusing the seemingly endless designs, art and and products. And yes, I’ll be showcasing more of his work on this very blog-o-sphere.  

From Phil’s Minion Factory website: “I have been a character designer for over 20 years in TV animation. My work can be seen on such shows as Flash Gordon, The Mask: Animated Series, The Ripping Friends, Freaky Stories, Undergrads, King, Gerald McBoing Boing, World of Quest, and The Cat In The Hat Knows A Lot About That. I Currently do freelance design on various projects.”

While you throw out all your clothes and replace ‘em with Phil’s monster fashions (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be allowed in Canada

SNOW ANGEL / January 20, 2023 (VOD)

“In the aftermath of a fatal accident in a snowy village at the eastern tip of Quebec, a screwed-up ex-pro snowboarder decides to pack up her cabin and leave town for good. But someone — or something — seems intent on stopping her.”

The eastern tip of Quebec is within “shreddin’ the gnar” distance of New Brunswick, which I hear is the birthplace of the bowling ball.

THE WANDERING EARTH II / January, 22, 2023 (VOD)

“Humans built huge engines on the surface of the Earth to find a new home. But the road to the Universe is perilous. In order to save Earth, young people once again have to step forward to start a race against time for life and death.”

2019’s The Wandering Earth was a visual knockout punch to the eyeballs, in which overachieving Earthers built giant planet thrusters to move Earth to a new star system. Why? Because the sun was dying. Duh. So if your space car ever breaks down, you wanna get it fixed by these guys.

CONSECRATION / February 10, 2023 (VOD)

“After the suspicious death of her brother, a priest, Grace goes to the Mount Saviour Convent in Scotland to find out what really happened. Once there, she uncovers murder, sacrilege, and a disturbing truth about her own past.”

Murder, sacrilege, disturbing truths… When did church start getting fun?

BENEATH US ALL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“ A foster child, Julie is heading for her 18th birthday when she finds something buried with something unspeakable inside.”

Sounds like somebody crept in the crypt, crapped and crept out.

The Whoosh, Demon Rental Agreement, Dracula’s Butler

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, paranormal, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Flash premiered in North America on October 7, 2014, where the pilot became the second-most watched premiere in the history of The CW, after The Vampire Diaries in 2009. Now, nine seasons later, The Flash is ending its run (heh), starting on February 8, 2023. Sorry to see it go as I’ve watched every episode since the beginning. For that, you’d think Flash would pose for a selfie with me or sign something I could sell on eBay™, but no. (Never meet your heroes.)

The Flash has gone up against some tough cookies during that time — King Shark, Captain Cold, The Thinker, Grodd, Anti-Monitor, his wife… But in order to give Flash a run for his money, the show featured over a dozen characters who could also scoot boot, including Reverse-Flash, Flashpoint Reverse-Flash, Kid Flash, Jay Garrick/Flash Earth-3, Nazi Flash, Barry Allen Earth-1, Zoom, Black Flash, Trajectory, Jesse Quick, Godspeed, Savitar, Speed Force, Velocity… Some cool names, some dumb names, and a lot of super silly costumes.

Even Flash’s wife Iris had speedster abilities for one episode. And his time-traveling future kids Bart (Kid Flash, Impulse, White Flash) and Norah (XS) inherited their dad’s ability to run to the store and back before the TV commercials were over. As a bonus, Flash and Green Arrow woke up one day with each other’s abilities. (The Flash with Green Arrow’s trademark 5 o’clock shadow looked…uncomfortable.)

So while we say goodbye to one of the better superhero TV series ever made, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you the runs…

DAWN BREAKS BEHIND THE EYES / January 8, 2023 (Shudder™)

Dieter and Margot Menliff, in an unhappy marriage, visit an old castle that Margot has just inherited. When they arrive, Dieter explores the basement, while Margot examines the rest of the castle. Dieter sees something in the cellar that causes him to drop his keys and flee. Margot has a vision in a dusty mirror.”

This one was released in Germany back in the germ-y days of 2021. Sounds really scary if something in the cellar makes you drop your keys. It’d give me flees, too.

SORRY ABOUT THE DEMON / January 19, 2023 (Shudder™)

“After being dumped by his girlfriend Amy, broken hearted Will is offered a massive house at a very low rent. What’s the catch? The restless spirit haunting the place needs a human sacrifice and the prior owners must find one or else their young daughter is toast.”

A human sacrifice in place of a damage deposit? Sounds reasonable.

FAMILY DINNER / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“An overweight teenager spends the holidays at her aunt’s farm in the hope of getting help to lose weight, but soon after her arrival, she begins to suspect that something is very wrong at this place.”

She discovers there are no Dunkin’ Donuts™ in that zip code. Horrifying.

RENFIELD / April 14, 2023 (Theaters)

R.M. Renfield was an inmate at a lunatic asylum who was thought to be suffering from delusions but actually is a servant of Dracula. Renfield has been serving the bloodsucker for centuries, and now he has grown sick and tired of his role as Dracula’s lackey. The henchman finds a new lease on life and maybe even redemption when he falls for feisty, perennially angry traffic cop, Rebecca Quincy.”

Not seeing a downside to having Dracula as your employer. First, you could talk to him any time you want. You’d never have to do the dishes and can eat all the bugs you want…for free. Score!

Alien Disco Lights, Vampire Mom, Psycho Family Unit

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires with tags , , , , , , on January 4, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The truth is finally here — we now have stunning photographic evidence of aliens party-crashing Earth. Submitted by Dar Tanner of TeamTanner: Aurora Weather Chasers, these stunning pictograms are proof we’re not alone.

Or are we? The colorful, otherworldly lights may not be of extraterrestrial origin, but possibly from this stupid planet’s stupid weather. “They’re light pillars,” according to the National Weather Service. “And they materialize when temperatures near single digits and the air is full of ice.”

The National Weather Service is full of something — but it’s not ice. Clearly, this light show is courtesy of an intelligent source that’s as intelligent as this blog. In your face, NWS.

So while we continue to keep watching the skies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be kicked in the ice hole…

BLOOD / January 12, 2023 (VOD)

“Jess, a separated mother and nurse, moves with her daughter and young son Owen back into her old farmhouse. Shortly after settling in, Owen is bitten by the family dog, resulting in a mysterious infection from the bite. When Jess discovers a disturbing cure, she is tested on how far she’s willing to go to save her child.”

Her boy is now a vampire, thanks to a chomp from Dracula’s dog. Mom already knows what the “cure” is, which means they’re having stake for dinner. Heh.

DAUGHTER / February 10, 2023 (Limited theater/VOD)

“A young woman is inducted into a bizarre family as their new surrogate daughter. As she navigates through this twisted dynamic, awful secrets about the past are revealed, leading to even darker implications about the future.”

Sounds like I have a new sister. 

THE FLASH / June 23, 2023 (Theaters)

The Flash travels back in time to prevent the murder of his mother, an act which significantly disrupts time.”

Sir Trots Alot already did that in the TV series The Flash (CW), and made all his super friends super mad at him. The fastest man alive wasn’t able to outrun that well-deserved frowning of a lifetime.

#NO_FILTER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the #1 social influencer at her high school, Anna is still discovering the advantages and drawbacks of this new status. Home alone, she’s determined to gain as many followers as possible but when the line between real and virtual is getting blurry, the night becomes bloody.”

Social media horror is an oxymoron. And anyone striving to be an “influencer” is just a moron.

Hometown Haunts, Prime Time Exorcism, Robot Mom

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 29, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Does your town have a haunted house/hotel/7-Eleven™? If it did, would you know how to find it? Now you can with Fright Find, a website with a comprehensive database of every real haunted house/hotel/7-Eleven™ in every state. It’s like one-stop shopping for ghost groupies

From Fright Find’s website: “Every state has its own eerie haunted history. From the Salem Witch Hunts to the Ghosts of the Alamo, each state’s history goes back hundreds, if not thousands, of years. However, there are no boundaries on the afterlife. To help you find haunts in your state, we’ve organized these real haunted houses, places, and haunted attractions so that you can start your phantom hunt. Curious to know your state’s haunted history? Want to find the most haunted place in your state? Start your Fright Find right here…”

According to their stats, Florida is the most haunted state with 127 listings. The District of Columbia clocks in with a non-tourist generating seven haunts. I drink in Washington State and Fright Find says we have a respectable 73 haunted listings. In your face, every state with 72 or less.

While you go through Fright Find’s documentation of all the scary stuff in your state, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not put you in a scary state…

CRAZY CROCODILE / Out now (YouTube™)

“Food host Xiaoyu is tricked into participating in a survival reality show, along with a group of other people who all have their own reasons to participate. Everyone strays into the forbidden area in the wild and they are attacked by mutant crocodiles.”

The irony of a food host becoming food for the mutant crocodiles is…delicious.

KKN DI DESA PENARI: LUWIH DOWO, LUWIH MEDINI / December 29, 2022 (VOD)

“A Javanese proverb expressed by Widya’s mother just before she left for KKN. A sign that there was something in the village at the far east. Widya, Nur, Ayu, Bima, Anton and Wahyu never thought that their KKN activities would lead to disaster.”

The movie’s weird and unpronounceable title translates to KKN in Dancer Village: Longer, Scarier. Yeah, no — didn’t help. I think there’s a dancing snake in this movie.

TRUE HAUNTING / January 6, 2023 (VOD)

“The terrifying true story of the first televised exorcism on NBC in 1971. Millions around the country watched the program that was recorded in Chicago. The NBC news segment was a success, the exorcism was not. Instead, it made things worse for the Becker family who lived there. Much worse.”

All exorcisms should be televised. Can’t be any ickier than watching Dr. Pimple Popper.

JUNG_E / January 20, 2023 (Netflix™)

“In the 22nd century, with Earth no longer habitable due to climate change, war breaks out in the last shelter built for human survival. The only way to end the war hinges on cloning a legendary mercenary into a scalable robot. In a post-apocalyptic near-future, a researcher at an Artificial Intelligence lab leads the effort to end a civil war by cloning the brain of a heroic soldier — her mother.”

It’d be cool to have a robot mom. I don’t know why. Just seems like she’d be better than non-robotic moms.

Unwelcome Aliens, Bigfoot Byname, Clown Killing Clown

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 27, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

When you look around your house/apartment/prison cell, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? The answer, of course is, “I sure could use a vinyl banner to liven up the place.” And really, there’s no downside to covering your bland walls with vinyl — they’re stain-resistant (mostly), easily cleaned (if that’s your thing) and will last longer than you. The folks HorrorDecor.com can make your decorating dreams come true with stylish and affordable vinyl horror banners.

Designed by Burnzig, these banners come in five choices: The Human Pin Cushion, The Forever Twins, Master of Knives and The Living Doll, cleverly recasting horror movie icons as old time-y carnival sideshow attractions. (That’s what came up on my job aptitude test.)

Each banner is $40.00 and measures 24” 30”. They come with silver colored metal grommets on all corners and can be used indoors or outdoors. I wouldn’t recommend outdoors as a stink criminal might steal it to garnish his/her inevitable prison cell.

While you’re taking down those worthless family photos to make way for these banners, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not brighten your living area…

BATTLEFIELD: FALL OF THE WORLD (aka ALIEN MONSTER INVASION) / Out now (Tubi™)

“A mysterious alien civilization’s military aircraft arrives on Earth. In order to resist the alien invasion, the military forces of various countries put politics and nationalism aside and join forces. Cheng Ling, who was struggling to survive in the ruins of the apocalypse, is inspired by this spirit and resolutely accepted the task of the defense commander, forming a strategic team with other soldiers in an attempt to destroy the alien attackers.”

I say let the aliens take over and leave them to clean up this toilet of a planet.

TAHOE JOE / Out now (Wicked Horror TV™)

“In 2022, filmmaker Dillon Brown set out with Green Beret and wilderness survival expert, Michael Rock, to document an attempt to find a missing person. What they found instead was a horror thought to be a myth.”

Tahoe Joe is another nickname for Bigfoot. Sounds like Vegas poker player’s name or that pension drunk with three teeth who sits at the end of the bar at the Tug Tavern and talks to himself.

THE LEGEND OF THE DARK CLOWN / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

Jitters is a recent graduate with high hopes to one day be a birthday clown who entertains kids. When he cannot afford to pay back his student loans from clown college, he takes the only job available to a young inexperienced clown. He embarks on a life of crime when joins the Killer Clown Mafia. It’s blood in and blood out so once he kills for his crew, he has no way to leave without being murdered himself. He makes the decision to take out every evil clown in the entire city and goes on a massive killing spree in hopes to be free to become what he always wanted – a clown who entertains kids. In his desire to live his dream, he creates a nightmare and becomes a legend. He is an evil clown that kills other evil clowns.”

An evil clown that kills other evil clowns. So what happens after Jitters permanently deletes the entire evil clown population — sillycide

THE TOMORROW JOB / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“A team of thieves use a time-travel drug to trade places with their future selves to execute the ultimate heist. When interrupted on a job the team must fix their past mistakes to prevent disastrous consequences. A dynamic mix of genres, The Tomorrow Job is a high-stakes sci-fi action-adventure epic with heart, humor, and fun, and an ode to beloved heist comedies of the past.”

Time travel drugs have been around for a long time — just ask a hippie.

Frightful Voices, Shark Cravings, Shiny Giants

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, paranormal, Science Fiction, Sharks, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 25, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

One of the better and hammy fun vampire movies of the ‘80s is Fright Night (1985), wherein a stylish, manscaped vampire moves next door to Charley Brewster, a teen a horror movie fan, who discovers his new neighbor’s penchant for sucking down neck Slurpees™. Charley enlists the help of local TV horror movie host/vampire hunter Peter Vincent (played by Planet of the Apes’ Cornelius), to expose his neighbor’s vampiric activities. The wild stuff that happens from there (sorry, no spoilers) cemented Fright Night’s cult status among horror fans, and was even remade in 2011.

Chris Sarandon, who played Jerry Dandrige, Fright Night’s the lethally smooth vampire, also starred as police detective Mike Norris in 1988’s Child’s Play (he was the guy who shot the criminal guy who, before he could die, voodoo’d himself into a plastic doll and became Chucky), and was the voice of Jack Skellington in 1993’s animated “horror” classic, The Nightmare Before Christmas. His work in horror includes 1977’s The Sentinel, 1991’s The Resurrected, Bordello of Blood in 1996, and a cameo in the 2011 Fright Night remake. (P.S. Fright Night 2: New Blood came out 2013, but he wasn’t in it. Neither was I.) And Sir Sarandon recently returned to the FN universe by voicing A. Jack Ulkrich novel Fright Night: Origins in audiobook format. This is fantastic news for people who don’t know how to read. (Hey, I was wet nursed on TV. Quit judging me.)

Here are the particulars: “You think you know the whole story, don’t you? High school isn’t going well for teenage horror fan Charley Brewster, still dealing with the loss of his father, he finds himself in his first serious relationship with the vibrant and beautiful Amy Peterson. If new love wasn’t complicated enough Charley is also failing Trigonometry. Late one night while cramming for a test Charley spies something suspicious in the yard next door, two men carrying what appears.to be a coffin. What’s going on in the old Victorian House and who are Charley’s new neighbors?”

Fright Night: Origins comes in four Amazon Audible™ options: Kindle™ ($1.99), Audiobook ($0.00), hardcover ($32.99) and paperback ($16.99). Pick your poison here. And while you’re reliving the undead, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved by having ’em read to you…

UNDYING / Out now (VOD)

“A tragic car accident puts a woman in a two year coma. She wakes up to find her fiancee is dead and her friends have abandoned her. So she calls on an evil spirit to raise her fiancee from the dead and exact revenge. But revenge always comes with a price.”

Your friends bailed because you were basically a leftover meatloaf for two years. It’s not like they ran out, leaving you to pay the bar tab. And that’s punishable by death by an evil spirit? Geez, some coma patients are so cranky if they don’t get enough — or too much —sleep.

VENUS / Out now (VOD)

“After being caught stealing from her employers, club dancer Lucía seeks shelter with her estranged sister and niece in the Venus, a decrepit apartment complex on the outskirts of Madrid. Soon, Lucía discovers the apartment complex harbors a dark secret threatening to reveal itself after an unexpected solar eclipse.”

I thought all eclipses were solar. They could’ve just said eclipse.

NO SHARK / Out now (Tubi™)

“In this darkly comedic and uniquely angsty journey, twelve vignettes chronicle a young woman’s inner monologue as she visits various NYC beaches in hopes of fulfilling her dream of being eaten by a shark.”

Why is it every gal I meet wants to be eaten by a shark? It’s giving me a complex.

SHIN ULTRAMAN / January 12, 2023 (Fathom™)

“As the threat of giant unidentified lifeforms known as S-Class Species worsens in Japan, a silver giant appears from beyond Earth’s atmosphere.”

As if it needs to be said, the world could use more silver giants wearing shiny tight pants.

Profitable Poltergeists, Werecoyotes, Cult Pay-Per-View

Posted in Aliens, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, paranormal, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 6, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shot for $15,000 casino tokens, Paranormal Activity came out in 2007 and instantly became a found footage phenomenon, eventually generating $193 million box office fun funds. On that (bank) note: Paranormal Activity is the most profitable film ever made in the history of the world. To no one’s surprise, it birthed six Paranormal babies with YET ANOTHER ONE slated for 2023.

If you can’t wait that long for it, Paranormal Activity: The Ultimate Chills Collection ($55.21/Amazon™) is now available: nine Blu-ray discs loaded with all the movies and a scary amount of extras. In case you forgot (or didn’t care), Paranormal Activity’s premise is as economical as its budget: “A young couple are haunted by a supernatural presence in their home. They set up a camera to document what is haunting them.” Yep — that netted them $193 million. No wonder everybody’s been trying to copy it for the last 15 years. I would.

While you scare up some wallet wages to buy and/or purchase the collection, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not become obscenely profitable… 

HERE FOR BLOOD / Out now (VOD)

“Tom O’Bannon, a rowdy pro-wrestler struggling to make ends meet, agrees to fill in as a last-minute replacement for a well paying babysitting job. Tom arrives at an isolated family home where he meets the precocious 10-year-old Grace. What starts off as a quiet night of pizza and video games quickly spirals into bloody, violent chaos as Tom and Grace find themselves fighting for their lives when an otherworldly cult of masked intruders descend on the home.”

This isn’t just a movie — it’s a WWE™ pay-per-view.

BATTLE FOR PANDORA / Out now (Limited Theaters/VOD)

“After a help signal from a research vessel makes it back to Earth, the U.S. Space Force sends a rescue ship to Pandora, a Saturn moon. But when they try to land, they discover Pandora is already inhabited by a highly evolved humanoid species that won’t give up their Earthling prisoners without a fight.”

Asylum™, the “film” studio that has famously built a company making “spoofs” and “mockumentaries” of big budget thrillers/sci-fi, etc., now comes out with their “version” of Avatar. In my day we called this stealing.

TEENWOLF: THE MOVIE / January 26, 2023 (Paramount+)

“A full moon rises in Beacon Hills — and with it a terrifying evil has emerged. The wolves are howling once again, calling for the return of Banshees, Werecoyotes, Hellhounds, Kitsunes, and every other shapeshifter in the night. But only a werewolf like Scott McCall, no longer a teenager yet still an Alpha, can gather both new allies and reunite trusted friends to fight back against what could be the most powerful and deadliest enemy they’ve ever faced.”

If you’re gonna have a Werecoyote, there better be a Wereroadunner.

BLUE BEETLE / Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

“Jaime Reyes is a young man from El Paso who bonds with an alien scarab that attaches to his spine and creates a suit of specially powered armor for him. The scarab at one time appeared in the possession of the wizard Shazam.”

And his first nemesis is…Lady Bug

Monstrous Manuals, Predatory Fossils, Divine DNA

Posted in demons, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

There’s only one thing better than watching horror movies. Okay, having a refreshing adult beverage ranks right up there. But staying with the theme of horror (again, quit making me write about drinking), READING about horror is the next best thing. 

Where to start, though? There are currently one billion trillion books on horror, with another seven million coming out this week. A suggestion would be to head on over to Rue Morgue’s fantastic website and pick up Monstro Bizzaro: An Essential Manual of Mysterious Monsters (132 pages/soft bound), their comprehensive compendium of all things crytpid and folklore. And it’s only $14.95. Heck, you’d pay that for a keg of St. Ides High Gravity Malt Liquor™ or seven 7-Eleven™ Cupcake Vodka martinis. (And yes, Cupcake Vodka is a real thing — I bought a case. It’s absolutely face-imploding. As I’m not wasteful, I’ll drink the rest and angrily demand a refund.)

And Rue Morgue publishes a variety of cool horror movie books. For instance, their Authorized Phantasm Film Companion pairs nicely with a cupcake martini. And who wouldn’t want to peruse Rue’s Monster Movie Heroes must-read while nuzzling a chilled, austere carafe of Colt 45™? At this point all you’d need is an overstuffed reading chair (or couch), a gently burning fire (preferably in a fireplace), your fav jammies (underwear) and a bathroom close by.

While you go to RueMorgue.com to expand your horror library — and a discount liquor store to explore the horror that is your life choices — here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as rewarding as a scintillating quart of King Cobra™

PTERODACTYL / Out now (Tubi™)

“A young woman travels to a remote island to find her missing sister.”

Given the movie’s title/art, seems like they left out a few details. Allow me: “A young woman travels to a remote island to find her missing sister…only to find her turned into a human snack bar by once-thought prehistoric parrots, who swallow without chewing her innards as if they were Oyster Rockefellers.” And there you go.

DRAGON FURY: WRATH OF THE FIRE / Out now (VOD)

“After surviving the events of the first movie, Vanessa has gone into hiding after being threatened by the government. However, a group of researchers find and convince her to go back to the mountains — and this time the dragons are more deadly than ever.”

This one was also called (or “referred to”) as Dragon Fury 2: Return To the Mountains. I like the new title better as it has a little more zing to it. The movie itself? Not so much.

SADISTIC: THE EXORCISM OF LILY DECKERT / Out now (VOD)

“A young woman becomes possessed by an evil entity after visiting a haunted house.”

Where else are you gonna get possessed by evil, besides church, that is? Usually when I become possessed by an evil entity, I run to the bathroom, stick a plunger down my neck, spew the foulness all over everything except the toilet, and swear to whoever lives in those puffy storm clouds in the sky that I will NEVER go back to Taco Bell™ and eat their Crunchwrap Supreme® Combo ever again. Until next week, maybe.

THE DEVIL CONSPIRACY / January 13, 2023 (Theaters)

“A powerful biotech company has breakthrough technology allowing them to clone history’s most influential people with just a few fragments of DNA. Behind this company is a cabal of Satanists that steals the shroud of Christ, putting them in possession of JesusDNA. The clone will serve as the ultimate offering to the Devil. Archangel Michael comes to Earth and will stop at nothing to end the Devil’s conspiracy.”

I can see the reviews now: “The Vatican Gives A Five-Star Pentagram For The Devil Conspiracy!” “Holy Moley!” enthuses Pope Larry. “It’s the most original plot since The Exorcist! Hope that Jesus guy doesn’t get ‘cross’ for us saying that…”