Archive for Earth

Giant Monster Punchfest, Superhero Jamboree, UFO Boy

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 11, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla, King of the Monsters

The latest key art for Godzilla, King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019) is almost as cool as the new trailer, which features all the kaiju monsters knocking over cities as if said cities were made of cement Legos™. (The bottom art was expertly done by art phenom Christopher Shy and you can actually buy it. Do so — today, if possible.)

Godzilla, King of the Monsters

So it’s to be a Battle Royale between Godzilla, King Ghidorah, Mothra and Rodan. The cards are already stacked against Godzilla’s foes, however. Hey, if your name is the title of the movie…

Godzilla, King of the Monsters

While we impatiently wait to see giant monsters violate each other’s bathing suit area, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi/superhero movies that may or may not feel like a punch in the groin…

Us

US (March, 2019)
“A mother and a father take their kids to their beach house expecting to unplug and unwind with friends. But as night descends, their serenity turns to tension and chaos when some shocking visitors arrive uninvited.”

I bet the uninvited shocking visitors are electric eels. That, or some drunk frat boys. Got my money on the eels, though. Makes sense as it’s a beach house and electric eels — who are naturally shocking — hang out at the beach, like, daily.

Shazam

SHAZAM! (April 5, 2019)
Billy Batson is a streetwise 14-year-old who can magically transform into the adult superhero Shazam simply by shouting out one word. His newfound powers soon get put to the test when he squares off against the evil Dr. Thaddeus Sivana.”

YET ANOTHER superhero movie. Gotta say, the trailer, though, is pretty dang funny. With Shazam, Venom, Captain Marvel, The Wasp, Aquaman and Batgirl all being added to the superhero locker room, the pool is getting a bit crowded.

Avengers: Endgame

AVENGERS: ENDGAME (April 26, 2019)
“In the aftermath of Thanos wiping out half of all life in the Universe, the remaining Avengers must do what’s necessary to undo the mad titan’s deed.”

Didn’t nearly all of the Avengers die in the last movie? And as for Thanos wiping out half of all life — what’s wrong with the other half?

Brightburn

BRIGHTBURN (May 24, 2019)
“What if a child from another world crash-landed on Earth, but instead of becoming a hero to mankind, he proved to be something far more sinister? A startling, subversive take on a radical new genre: superhero horror.”

Superhero horror. Pretty sure that already done with Venom and Spawn and Ghost Rider.

Million Dollar Monster, Undying House, Stinky Horror

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Llamageddon

Though reported by Bloody-Disgusting.com, Llamageddon (2018) — a new indie horror movie as of this e-scribbling — has been making steaming piles of news all over the Internet. While the cost to stream movies of any genre ranges from .99 cents to $6.99 (and above), Llamageddon’s price on Amazon.com is over…ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Llamageddon

Not joking, though it probably is a joke — and not just the title. It’s either a typo, a clever way to get publicity, or it’s for real. I’m thinkin’ the second one, though if some idiot with more money than brains rented it at full price, he/she just gave the filmmakers an early Christmas — for the next 10 years.

In case you have more money than brains, here’s the plot: “A killer llama from outer space crash lands on Earth and begins reigning havoc on a group of unsuspecting college students.” Why do I get the feeling someone’s reaching for their wallet right now?

Llamageddon

If you want slightly more affordable barnyard horror, try Black Sheep (2006) from New Zealand. In that one, the fuzzy creatures don’t come from space, but rather are genetically tinkered, which turns them into ferocious people-eaters. You wouldn’t think that was cool, but it is.

But for now, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not drain your 401k…

The Ghost Beyond

THE GHOST BEYOND (available now)
“A struggling novelist moves his wife and young son to an old country home, but when a presence begins to communicate with his son, the family must escape an evil that threatens to doom them to the house for eternity.”

Same old plot, same old story, same old struggling novelist. And since when are novelists not struggling? And how can they afford an old country home in which to struggle? I say let the evil take the mom and kid, and then move into a nice, AFFORDABLE studio apartment that never dies.

The House That Never Dies: Reawakening

THE HOUSE THAT NEVER DIES: THE REAWAKENING (available now)
“The sequel to the 2014 hit film The House That Never Dies is based on true events that took place at the spookiest of Beijing’s Four Oriental Haunted Houses. The story takes place a hundred years after a mutiny by warlords in Beijing when an expert in cultural relics encounters supernatural phenomena at the mansion on 81 Chaoyangmennei Street.”

Chaoyangmennei Street? Try spelling that right on the first five tries when calling for Lyft™. P.S. You wouldn’t think so, but you still have to add a ghost if you’re doing a shared ride. And yes, it costs the same as adding non-ghosts.

Pledge

PLEDGE (January 11, 2019)
“Frat life has never been so scary. And we don’t mean the recent wave of headlines and controversies. Inspired by the rise of the ‘social’ thriller, Pledge promises to take a centuries-old American tradition to new extremes and explore the power dynamics that have led to so many deaths on American campuses.”

Yeah, I’m thinkin’ no to this one.

Respira

RESPIRA (2018/2019)
Leonardo gets a job as a fumigator pilot in the soybean fields and moves with his family to the countryside. When he starts working, he discovers a dark secret that will put him and his family in danger.”

The dark secret is you can’t really fumigate anything with the word “bean” in it.

UFO Engineering, Mothman Sightings, Demon Trackers

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mothman

Just in time to distract us from a seemingly endless string of horrifying, political news cycles the creepy yet cool, Mothman returns to flitter around the spotlight.

According to a recent article on AbsoluteHistory.com, Mothman was not only seen but photographed. Here’s what the article, written by 1636wpczar, had to report…

Mothman

“It had been a Friday night like any other in Chicago for John Amitrano. As he took a step outside the bar where he was working, however, he apparently noticed something strange in the sky above him. And according to Amitrano, the figure looked just like an ominous creature that people have been claiming to see in the U.S. for the past 50 years.”

Mothman Museum

Mothman was in Chicago and was spotted by a guy leaving a bar? Doesn’t sound suspicious to me at all.

Old Style

While we all share a few gallons of Chicago’s Old Style™ (canned beer that tastes like a cryptid p*ssed in it — oddly, not a bad thing) and stagger out and look for the ominous creatures, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci documentaries/movies that may or may not look better when viewed under the influence of a few gallons of Old Style™…

Bob Lazar: Area 51 and Flying Saucers

BOB LAZAR: AREA 51 & FLYING SAUCERS (available now)
Former Government physicist Bob Lazar made headlines world-wide in 1989 when he came forward with his account of reverse-engineering an alien spacecraft for the U.S. Military. His testimony remains the most controversial and important UFO story of all time. The documentary explores Lazar’s groundbreaking claims and the devastating impact it has had on his life over the course of the last thirty years, including rare and never before revealed footage guaranteed to alter the landscape of the debate. He blew the whistle, shocked the world, then went silent — until now.

I’ve heard Bob Lazar’s story for some time now and I believe he not only worked on reverse-engineering captured UFOs, but actually got inside one and poked around. I only have one question: what was in the flying saucer’s glove compartment? The truth is out there and I want to believe.

Brutal Bigfoot

BRUTAL BIGFOOT (available now)
“Join the Searching for Bigfoot field team – led by ‘The Godfather of Bigfoot‘ Tom Biscardi, as they get more than they bargained for when investigating the disappearance of a hiker and the mutilation of a couple deep in the remote Arkansas countryside. During their search, Tom and his team are led to a top secret nuclear testing facility and mutated creatures that reportedly inhabit the woods surrounding the compound. Along the way they gain the unwanted attention of unknown government agents who watch their every move as they search for the truth behind brutal deaths and strange disappearances that are rumored to involve a very large creature.

This one came out a short whilst ago, but it slipped past my radar, mostly due to the fact Tom Biscardi is involved. The self-proclaimed “Godfather of Bigfoot” has been involved in several high-profile, epic FAIL Bigfoot hoaxes in the past and is pretty much a loudmouth out there once again trying to cash in on Bigfoot’s good name. Did it work? Scorecard: Bigfoot: 3 / Tom Biscardi: 0.

Demon's Path

DEMON’S PATH (December 22, 2018)
“The series follows a forensic pathologist who has the ability to see the last 10-seconds of life of the dead. Working together with a friendly exorcist and a policeman, they solve homicide cases. But as their investigations proceed, they become the target of a murderer.”

Never saw any of this popular series as it’s done in Hong Kong and my TV can’t reach that far. I think I need a bigger antennae (hold your jokes, please). The premise, though, seems to borrow from iZombie, wherein a zombie pathologist eats the brains of corpses brought into the coroner’s office and she adopts the personality traits of the dead personage and gets flashbacks as to how that personage died and who died ‘em.

The Demonologist

THE DEMONOLOGIST (January 1, 2019)
A detective is haunted by nightmares of his past and visions he cannot understand. When he investigates a string of brutal murders, he discovers a Cult that worships the four King Demons of Hell, who plan on bringing them forth to destroy the Earth. He must stop the Cult from starting the Apocalypse and finally come to grips with his birthright and destiny as The Demonologist.

Sounds like a rearranging of The Last Witch Hunter (2015) starring Vin Diesel. Man, that movie stunk as bad as a brutal Bigfoot.

History of Horror, Evil Cadavers, Bowel Soda

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Scary Black CherryFrozen Fanta

Burger King ™, the common man’s McDonald’s™, is getting into the Halloween spirit with their Scary Black Cherry Frozen Fanta drink, available now through All Hallows’ Eve. Here are the stats: 120 calories, 0g fat, 0g saturated fat, 0g cholesterol, 65mg sodium, 34g carbs, 0 g fiber, 33g sugar, 0g protein and 100g artificial flavor. But there’s an upside — the seasonal drink turns your mouth black, and by extension, whatever comes out of your bowels. 

Before you race to your local Burger King™ to buy a gallon of this stuff, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stress test your bowels…

Eli Roth's History of Horror

ELI ROTH’S HISTORY OF HORROR (October 14, 2018/AMC)
“A seven-episode deep dive into the world of horror, History of Horror features interviews with some of the genre’s top creators, and each episode will cover a different sub-genre of horror, ranging from supernatural entities to slasher maniacs.”

Supernatural entities to slasher maniacs. Looks like Eli’s been drinking in the same bar as me.

Storybook of Horror

STORYBOOK OF HORROR (available now/Amazon Prime™)
“Turn down the lights, and get ready for six horror tales that are sure to give you nightmares in this storybook horror anthology.”

For a really good collection of horror shorts (I think I just described my neighbor’s underwear), check out Tales of Halloween (2015), and take a drink every time blood is spilled; You’ll be drunk by the third story.

Prospect

PROSPECT (November 2, 2018)
“A teenage girl and her father travel to a remote alien moon, aiming to strike it rich. But there are others roving the wilderness and a job quickly devolves into a fight to survive. Forced to contend not only with the forest’s other ruthless inhabitants, but with her own father’s greed-addled judgment, the girl finds she must carve her own path to escape.”

A remote alien moon seems like a long way to go to strike it rich. They should stay on Earth and play the Power Ball Lottery™. Odds are you probably won’t win, but at least you won’t have to deal with ruthless inhabitants. Ironically, you’ll be swarmed with ruthless inhabitants if you do win.

The Possession of Hannah GraceTHE POSSESSION OF HANNAH GRACE (2018)
“A shocking exorcism spirals out of control, claiming the life of a young woman. Months later, Megan Reed is working the graveyard shift in the morgue when she takes delivery of a disfigured cadaver. Locked alone inside the basement corridors, Megan begins to experience horrifying visions and starts to suspect that the body may be possessed by a ruthless demonic force.”

Graveyard shift at the morgue. Sounds like a bad pun. Works in reverse, too. I do, however, like the premise of a disfigured corpse powered by evil. Has a certain zing to it.

Legacy UFOs

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on September 25, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

In Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) — one of the best alien abduction feel-good movies of all time — UFOs visit Earth and, by virtue of showing themselves to people other than trailer denizens, change the life of an Indiana city utility worker/suburb family man.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Elsewhere across town, a three-year-old boy, the son of a single-mom/primary caretaker, is forcibly babysat by aliens (as indicated by sunglass-worthy bright lights and some other  heard but not seen stuff).

Close Encounters of the Third KindBoth the mom and utility worker a hot mess over these events and are compelled to go to Wyoming to a medium-sized national monument (Devil’s Tower — it looks like an upside-down empty ice cream cone) to find unanswerable answers. It’s here the military, who knew about the UFOs, have rolled out the welcome runway.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

The UFOs reveal themselves. The small ones, anyway. Then the mountain-sized mothership shows up, blows everyone’s minds, flips over and drops off everyone they’ve been abducting for decades.

Close Encounters of the Third KInd

The height-challenged aliens come out, looking like hairless kids, and prepare to receive trained volunteers who are there in some sort of f’d-up student exchange program. But the visitors don’t want ’em — they want the city utility worker, presumably to fix the streetlights on their home planet of Hand-Cranked Electrica. 

P.S. Job opening for an electric lineman in Indiana.

Malevolent Mermaids, Demonic Orphans, Evil Clams

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Captain Marvel

Intrigued and bemused at the trailer for the upcoming superhero movie, Captain Marvel, premiering March 8, 2019, probably on some sort of movie screen. First, the plot: “Carol Danvers becomes one of the universe’s most powerful heroes when Earth is caught in the middle of a galactic war between two alien races.”

Captain Marvel

Cool that a woman has been cast as Captain Marvel. But as the word “captain” has been mostly used to rank men with that prefix, the title seems odd. (And yes, I know women have been and will always be captains. They’re probably better suited to captainize; just look at the hot mess that was Captain Ahab in Moby Dick/1851; that guy should never be allowed anywhere near a commanding post/harpoon.)

Entertainment WeeklyThe trailer for Captain Marvel looks pretty cool and seems to deliver the superhero goods. So while we enthusiastically welcome this latest captain, here are a few now available horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth saluting…

Mermaid's Song

MERMAID’S SONG (available now)
Charlotte is coming of age during the 1930s depression, and along with her sisters, is struggling to keep the family business afloat. When gangster Randall offers to pay off the family debt, he demands some illegal changes to the business. But Charlotte, like her mother before her, is a mermaid capable of controlling humans with nothing but her voice, which creates a battle between all of those who want Charlotte’s magical powers for themselves.”

They had criminals way back in the 1930s? Who knew? And for the record, women — mermaids or not — have always been able to control guys with their voice. It’s called “nagging.”

Hide In The Light

HIDE IN THE LIGHT (available now)
“Siblings Kate and Todd lead a group of ‘Urban Explorers’ who amuse themselves breaking into places and exploring what society has left behind. When the group dares to break into the town’s abandoned orphanage, they quickly find themselves trapped inside the building. While fighting for their lives, they will realize that one of the deceased orphans and her demonic friend lurk within the shadows, thirsty for new blood.”

Why would deceased orphans have demonic friends? That’s like ordering a beer with a shot of lower shelf whiskey. And if Kate and Todd wanna see what society has left behind, they can break into my apartment. They’ll find me on the couch drinking a beer with a shot of lower shelf whiskey.

Calling All Earthlings

CALLING ALL EARTHLINGS (available now)
“A 1950’s Howard Hughes employee-confidante, George Van Tassel, uses alleged alien guidance and Nikola Tesla’s ideas to build a time machineThe Integratron. Is he deluded, or could it actually work? As waves of devotees join him in the California desert, the FBI gets involved fearing insurrection and possibly more. Nearing completion, Van Tassel’s tale and The Integratron meet an unexpected end: the ‘workings’ of the dome finally emerge. The unusual story is told by historians, astronomers and current residents of Joshua Tree, including the stewards of the Integratron, the Karl Sisters, and a galaxy of believers and skeptics alike.”

Word among the abducted is that this is a documentary. That’s like a movie based on real stuff. Gotta say, The Integratron is a slick name for a time machine. The best I could come up with is “1973 Chevy Nova”.

Black Wake

BLACK WAKE (available now)
“A series of deaths along the ocean is baffling scientists. As a detective discovers the crazed writings of a mysterious homeless man, one scientist realizes the threat may be an ancient force hell-bent on bringing madness to humanity.”

Again with the ancient forces. What bug crawled up their ass and died? Wonder if those forces are freshness-expired evil clams causing everybody to get anaphylaxis

TV Superheroes, Wooden Evil, Bad Babies

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Daily Planet

Cracking up over the “cover story” of the Daily Planet (where Superman as Clark Kent works for minimum wage) about superheroes uniting to protect the Earth. Whoever mocked this up is a flippin’ genius and probably drinks a lot of smart water.

Lois Lane and Clark Kent

The article is “written” by Lois Lane. So awesome. But it’s the photo of Superman (George Reeves), Batman (Adam West), Robin (Burt Ward) Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) and Aquaman (Lloyd Bridges) that’s even better because none of these heroes overlapped in the same time/universe. Conclusive proof: Adventures of Superman aired from 1952 — 1958. Batman aired from 1966 — 1968. Wonder Woman aired from 1975 — 1979. And Sea Hunt (here’s the genius part) aired from 1958 — 1961. Outside of a pilot episode that sunk faster than a heavy metal clam, there was no Aquaman TV series. There was, however, a cartoon series that ran from 1967 — 1970, so someone cast former United States Navy frogman Mike Nelson (Lloyd Bridges) as the scuba-doo underwater hero (Sea Hunt ran for 155 episodes). That he was depicted as Aquaman (in his original DC Comics suit) is full-on brilliant. P.S. Aquaman was punked by Man From Atlantis, which ran from 1977 — 1978, and featured a guy with “amphibious abilities.” That is so low tide.

Sea Hunt

While I go to Metropolis to get a copy of the Daily Planet and frame it, here’s a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worthy of a Lois Lane cover story…

Blood Child

BLOOD CHILD (available now)
“After suffering a devastating miscarriage in Singapore, Ashley turns to a witch doctor to help her with the occult practice of raising a ‘ghost child’ and finding the spirit of her lost child. After returning to the States, Ashley and her husband Bill find themselves pregnant again. However, their happiness is short lived as the pregnancy acts as a catalyst for a series of terrifying events that start to occur within their home. The family soon learns that Ashley has brought back a lot more than just memories from Asia. The spirit of their lost child is not about to play second fiddle to the impending new arrival, and unleashes an unspeakable evil upon the household.”

YET ANOTHER evil kid birth movie. Start with Rosemary’s Baby (1968) and go from there. So what do you feed the little home wrecker — Gerber’s™ Demon Peas? (Their strained Hell bananas, though, are to die for. No pun intended.)

RootwoodROOTWOOD (2018)
“Students Jessica and William are hosting The Spooky Hour, a podcast about paranormal phenomena and urban legends, when they’re hired by the Hollywood film producer Laura Benott to produce a horror documentary about the Curse of the Wooden Devil. They smell a chance to become famous. Together with their friend Erin they enter Rootwood Forest and investigate the area to find out the truth about the Wooden Devil and his victims.”

Sounds like YET ANOTHER Blair Witch Project (1999) knock-off/rip-off. What if they get there, only to find out the Wooden Devil is just handmade birdhouse? We can only hope satanic seagulls live in it.

The Wind

THE WIND (2018)
“A supernatural thriller set in the Western frontier of the late 1800s, where a plains-woman is driven mad by the harshness and isolation of the untamed land.”

She’s not looking at the plus side of living way out in the middle of nowhere. No traffic, noisy neighbors and plenty of flesh-eating buffalo to play fetch with and occasionally rub their fuzzy bellies (they really like that). Sounds like a slice of Heaven to me.

Isabelle

ISABELLE (2019)
“An all-American couple dream of starting a family is shattered after they move into the perfect New England neighborhood. Once settled, they soon after descend into the depths of terror as they struggle to survive a genuine threat from a dark presence that appears to want to end their very lives.”

Though this one was originally titled, The Wanting, it should’ve been called The Republicans. It also describes me in a dive bar, or “unkempt tavern.”