Archive for Earth

Independent Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Independence Day

If you’re an older sci-fi fan, you no doubt watched the patriotic UFO invasion mega blockbuster, Independence Day (1996). If you’re younger and/or have not seen it, read as though your life depended on it. Or not.

Independence Day

An alien spacecraft 1/4 the size of the moon is headed our way. Hard to miss. The mothership spits out a few dozen “smaller” ships 15 miles across. The ships strategically position themselves over high value targets like Washington, D.C. and Hollywood, with the intent to dead kill us all with devastating beams of doom.

Independence Day

Before the military can respond in kind, the aliens have turned major cities all over the world into urban fire pits. Our weapons are as useless as non-alcoholic beer, with the aliens launching even smaller UFOs to further rub our faces in it.Independence Day

A highly-believable plan is devised: fly the recovered UFO that double-parked in Roswell, NM in 1947 (kept in storage), into space, dock with the mothership, upload a computer virus that renders the alien’s deflecto shields inoperable, (all the while hoping an Apple™ computer can seamlessly interface with alien technology), deliver a nuclear device as a last “f*ck you,” then undock and fly home in 30 seconds without getting blown up. This all sounds like a booze dream I once had.

Independence Day

The alien’s arrival is stunning, as is the air combat scenes and the blowing up of entire cities. Where it slows down is with three love stories interwoven into the plot. But hey, if we didn’t have the love angle, all we’d be left with is exciting extraterrestrial action, flying saucers, bombs, and the blowing up of cities.

Independence Day

Still, Independence Day is one of the better alien invasion/love story movies out there.

Inappropriate Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evil Aliens

The crew of a cheesy, paranormal TV show in London goes to a remote island farm in Wales to investigate the claims that a young woman and her boyfriend were abducted by aliens, where she was knocked up and returned to her home with two inbred bothers and a dad who can’t speak a lick of any language.

Evil Aliens

Even though the aliens implanted her with a space fetus with chompy teeth two weeks ago, she’s about to give birth any day now. (Her boyfriend didn’t fare so well as his business class was power probed with a drill. That must’ve pinched.)

Evil Aliens

Once at the farm, which is situated near Stonehenge-like rock structures called Devil’s Teeth, the crew go about re-enacting the abduction. Then the real aliens show up. From this point it turns into a gleeful splatterfest unlike anything you’ve seen since the genre-bending Dead Alive (1992).

There are UFOs, cattle mutilations, three-boobed female aliens, sexual intercourse (both of this Earth and not of this Earth), lots of f’n swearing, alien dogs, alien death orbs, arms, legs and heads torn off, shotgun blasts to the face, bow and arrows to the neck, death by wheat thrasher and weed whacker. And there’s not just gallons of blood, but swimming pools of it. This just keeps going on and on, and it’s freakin’ hilarious.

Evil Aliens

Evil Aliens (2005) is smart, gory and goofy, which is why I wade through miles of rancid horror movie garbage while breathing through my mouth, just so I can find ones like this.

Restored Zombies, Giant Animals, Predictable Slashers

Posted in Bigfoot, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the Living Dead

If you’re not doing anything on February 13, 2018, you can buy Criterion’s 4k digital restoration of Night of the Living Dead. Yeah, we’ve all seen the movie a billion times. But this one comes with new snazzy features, like the never-before-seen 16mm dailies reel, new programs about the editing, the score, and directing ghouls and an essay by film critic Stuart Klawans. There’s lots more, but this is already starting to feel like a to-do list.

While we impatiently wait to see YET ANOTHER repackage of the same movie we’ve seen a billion times, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies you that you may or may not watch a billion times…

American Bigfoot

AMERICAN BIGFOOT (aka, Kampout/available now)
“Enraged by the murder of it’s offspring, a Bigfoot rampages through the countryside of Southeast Ohio. Detective Benson, Ranger Thomas and Bigfoot researcher Hank scramble to locate the legendary creature before it attacks a group of teenagers on a camping trip in an isolated place called Kampout.”

Of course Bigfoot’s an American. So much so, I’m surprised his fur isn’t red, brown and blue. And whoever killed the Bigkid, deserves to taste the business end of an American boot.

The Strangers: Prey At Night

THE STRANGERS: PREY AT NIGHT (March, 2018)
“A family’s road trip takes a dangerous turn when they arrive at a secluded mobile home park to stay with some relatives and find it mysteriously deserted. Under the cover of darkness, three masked psychopaths pay them a visit to test the family’s every limit as they struggle to survive.”

Second verse, same as the first. Surprised as to why it’s taken 10 years to barf up a sequel. Not surprised that all they did was move the location and slap a limp biscuit of a title on it.

Rampage

RAMPAGE (April 20, 2018)
“The first privately owned space station is destroyed by a mysterious experiment done on board. Three canisters from the crash land on Earth. One lands in the gorilla enclosure at the San Diego Zoo, the other in the plains of Wyoming and the last one in the Florida Everglades. The Griffin Technologies Group, headed by two siblings, tries to destroy any evidence of wrongdoing before the government finds out. It’s too late because the canisters have infected a gorilla named George, a wolf in Wyoming and an alligator. They start evolving and growing exponentially. To cover their tracks, the Griffin idiots decide to unleash a beacon that will make all three large animals head toward one destination: their head office located in the Willis Tower in Chicago.”

A giant gorilla, wolf and alligator. King Kong and Crocosaurus should sue for face infringement. As for the giant forest dog, good luck finding a proportional fire hydrant.

Fantastic Beats: The Crimes of Grindelwald

FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD (November 16, 2018)
Grindelwald had escaped from the Wizard Cops and is preparing to build up his evil army. Young Dumbledore will enlist his favorite student, Newt, to help fight said army. Tragic and powerful Credence has possibly been turned to the dark side, though he seemed pretty annoyed when Grindelwald betrayed him.”

Another money-printing Harry Potter prequel. Too bad the press release just spoiled it by telling us Grindelwald got away from the Wizard Cops. I wanted to be the one to do it.

Earthly Extraterrestrials, Space Squatters, Tasty People

Posted in Aliens, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The X Files

There were those among us who meh’d the return of The X-Files in 2016, even in the limited (or “truncated”) form of six episodes. I liked it enough to watch it all in one night. Hey, I wanted to believe.

The X Files

Happiness to look forward to, the 11th season kicks off the new year in January, 2018. From the press release: “The 11th season follows newly re-instated FBI agents Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) and Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson). The season’s storyline will pick up directly after last season’s finale and the search for Mulder and Scully’s son William will be a main story arc for the season.”

The X Files

An FBI rug rat. I kinda suspected Fox and Scully went the distance after that bit ‘o extended smooching in the 1999 episode “Millennium” (which also featured zombies — real ones, not those fake ones running around, gnawing on Hollywood body parts). Couldn’t tell if any spit was swapped or tongues painting each other. But no doubt the chemistry for a little bedspring symphony was clearly established.

While you/me/we/us/them/those/they begrudgingly wait for The X-Files to fulfill your fondest hopes and dreams, here are a few upcoming and just-released horror and sci-fi movies that’ll may or may not make your bedsprings squeak with joy…

The Last Scout

THE LAST SCOUT (available now)
“After the Earth is destroyed by war, a scout team of astronauts searches the universe for an inhabitable place to save the human race.”

Um, was this not the initial premise for Pandorum (2009) before all the space cannibals started running the restaurant? All fine and dandy to search the universe for a new party pad. But what if someone has to pee? It’s not like there’s a space tree to pull up next to in order for one to “spread the word” that Earthers are in the ’hood.

The Void: Vol. II

THE VOID VOL. II (available now)
The Void Vol II is a multi volume anthology series featuring some of the best award winning short films from the horror, suspense, thriller, sci-fi and fantasy genres, Including: Disobedience, Savage Ivy, Somebody to Love, A Rats Dilemma, 314 and April.”

Looks like they covered all bases except acid jazz. That stuff is horrifying.

Book of Choices

BOOK OF CHOICES (available now)
“Carl has made a mess of his life with his selfish, misguided choices. Retreating from his problems, he buries himself in an anthology of short stories, each one with a protagonist who has made a choice and must live with its consequences. Now Carl must let the moral of each story guide him in his own decisions before he runs out of time to salvage what’s left of his own life.”

Sounds like A Christmas Carol (1938 version), but without all the bah-humbugging and subsequent hugging. (Those ghosts could’ve really f’d ’ol Scrooge in the b-hole, but they just didn’t.) Advice to Carl — Keep on keepin’ on.

K-Shop

K-SHOP (December 12, 2017/DVD)
“After his father is killed in an altercation with drunken thugs, Salah’s world is plunged into darkness. Forced into running the family kebab shop alone, Salah struggles to manage the increasingly rowdy nightlife. When a fight with an angry customer goes fatally wrong, he finds himself with a dead body on his hands. Having no faith in the authorities, Salah disposes of the body in the one place he knows best: the kebabs. As the shop’s gullible customers devour the new recipe, Salah develops a taste for the kill and seizes the opportunity to turn vigilante, seeking vengeance for the abusive drunkards plaguing the streets.”

Human kebab meat. Do you dip in ketchup, table mustard (the real kind, not that overpriced “stone ground” goopy crap), or just make a sandwich out of it with lots and lots and lots of mayonnaise? For a spicier twist on this old country fav, you might try a little dab of Hershey’s People Picante. That’ll put some zing in your swing.

Provable Sea Monsters, Polish Slashers, Purple Aliens

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frilled Shark

Newsweek recently caught my attention with this headline: “Prehistoric, Dinosaur-Era Shark With Insane Teeth Found Swimming Off Coast of Portugal.” Well dang — they might as well have said, “Free Candy!”

Frilled Shark

The drool-worthy article, written by Dana Dovey, goes on to say that “The rare frilled shark is considered a ‘living fossil,’ as its makeup has remained unchanged for 80 million years. This summer, researchers found one alive and thriving off the coast of Portugal, adding evidence regarding the resilience of this ancient sea creature. The frilled shark has remained the same, both inside and out, since the time of the dinosaurs, with scientists dating it back to the Cretaceous Period, a time when the Tyrannosaurus Rex and Triceratops still roamed the planet.”

The article also goes on to say that the shark’s jaw has more than 300 teeth neatly lined in 25 rows. I bet this thing goes through 100 toothbrushes a month.

Frilled Shark

Even more entertaining were the article’s comments: “OK if I am ever 4,200 ft deep in the ocean off Portugal, I will make sure I avoid this shark.” “Unevolved and been around for millions of years before man? I don’t believe you. Where are the earlier pictures? You know, the ones from millions of years ago as proof.” “People will say this is Photoshopped, but ha! the joke’s on you. Photoshop didn’t exist in the Cretaceous Period.”

While I finish LOL-ing all over myself, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies with story lines that may or may not have existed 80 million years ago…

Fantom Killer

FANTOM KILLER (available now)
“Beautiful women living in a small Polish town are being found butchered in unspeakably grotesque ways. As the police desperately search for clues which could lead to the identity of this misogynistic masked assailant, suspicion begins to mount against the strange younger brother of one of the officers, who had been previously confined to an asylum. Will this fiendish killer be unmasked before his bloodthirsty appetite needs to be satisfied once again?”

This one’s from Poland from back in 1998, and just recently being re-issued and released in the States. Heads up: this movie is in Polish, but with English sub-titles. Crap. I can barely speak English, let alone read it.

The Rift: Dark Side of the Moon

THE RIFT: DARK SIDE OF THE MOON (November 28, 2017/VOD)
“An American military satellite crash lands in Eastern Serbia and a team of US and Serbian agents are dispatched to secure the remains of the satellite. But when they locate the crash site all is not as it seems.”

This a sequel to 2012’s The Rift? Heck-a-roo if I know. What I do know about The Rift: Dark Side of the Moon is that some astronauts cuttin’ a rug on the moon find a purple, shapeless, glowing alien life-form. Well hey — bring that lunar novelty back to Earth and see what kind of trouble they can make happen! Crossing fingers it’s one of those things you win at the county fair by throwing darts at balloons filled with purple hydrogen.

Cutlass

CUTLASS (December 12/VOD)
“A young tourist is abducted from her family into the jungles of Trinidad by a dangerous, armed sociopath. While the authorities and her family attempt to find her with no success, she is forced to mentally and physically outmaneuver her captor in an effort to stay alive and escape to safety.”

Sounds like this dumbass abducted the wrong woman. He’d have better luck going up against Trinidad’s infamous Rufous-vented chachalaca. (Watch that beak, dude.) I feel sorry for the sociopath.

Scars of Xavier

SCARS OF XAVIER (2017)
Xavier is a quiet 45-year-old man who lives in Prague. By day he works in a car wash service, but by night he is a brutal and vicious serial killer who primarily targets young women.”

A serial killer who preys on women. Two things — not original by any stretch of the imagination. Also, poor timing — women today, fed up with a-hole men, are about to take over the world. I’d go back to the car wash if I were you, X.

Sci-Fi Pizza, Apocalypse Santa, Hungry Sinkholes

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Flying Saucer Pizza

If you’re fortunate enough to live in Redmond, WA, you can order your nutrients from Flying Saucer Pizza (“An Experience in Outer Taste”), a restaurant that features silverware-optional stomach-fillers that combine mozzarella with sci-fi. After eating one of their highly-rated pizzas, you’ll have to loosen your Van Allen radiation belt. Heh.

Flying Saucer Pizza

Founded in 2005, Flying Saucer Pizza in Washington State makes perfect (and clever) sense, since modern-age UFOs first originated here when aviator and businessman Kenneth Arnold became globally known for making what is generally considered the first widely reported unidentified flying object sighting in the UFA (United States of America — you’re welcome) back in 1947 — way ahead of my backward-pants wearing neighbor.

Flying Saucer Pizza

Flying Saucer Pizza features abduction-stimulating names for their meals, like the “Area 51” (Flying Saucer red sauce, whole milk mozzarella, red roma tomatoes, tender artichoke hearts fresh spinach), “Soylent Green” (FSP pesto sauce, whole milk mozzarella, artichoke hearts, sun-dried tomatoes, basil-garlic topped with pine nuts) and “Crop Circles” (Flying Saucer red sauce, whole milk mozzarella, mushrooms, red onion, green and red peppers, black olives, pepperoncini). In all, FSP features 17 sci-fi themed pizzas — and one Earthly, basic cheese pizza. Prices for a 10” pizza (served on a pan that looks suspiciously like a flying saucer) range from $9.00 to $11.50. Good luck getting those prices on Uranus. Bonus: 27 beers on tap. Beam me up today, if possible.

Flying Saucer Pizza

You can order online at flyingsaucerpizza.com, though if you’re outside of the Earth’s atmosphere, your SOL. (Get the sun joke reference? C’mon, that’s pure comedy gold.)

While you figure out how to have one of their pizzas delivered by UPS™, here are a few just-released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to snack on (napkins recommended)…

Swamp Terror

SWAMP TERROR (available now)
“Two sisters venture deep into the swamp looking for their long lost father.”

Not to be confused with The Swamp Terrorists, a Swiss electro-industrial “music” group from the ’80s, although you can see the disturbing similarities. As for the plot, yeah, the first place I’d look for my missing dad would be a swamp. (Those things are like inside-out unflushed toilets.) IMBd.com lists this one as having been released in 2014. I was combing my hair that year, so I may have missed it — if IMBd is not fake news. So what’s in a bayou swamp besides location-challenged patriarchal figureheads? Assorted floatables that can eat you, that’s what.

Basement: The Terror Below

BASEMENT: THE TERROR BELOW (available now)
“Shortly after Tim Ritter moves into his new apartment, he hears strange noises coming from the basement. The nightly disturbances and other unexplained events keep him awake almost every night. Sleep deprived and at his wit’s end, Tom buys several video cameras to record whomever or whatever is causing the strange phenomena.”

Dangitall — another found footage movie. Most found footage movies suck camcorder. The only difference here is this one comes from Germany, which means the nightly disturbances in the basement are likely party people binge-watching Der Tatortreiniger on the ’ol fernsehgerät while munching Currywurst flavored chips from an ornate schüssel.

I'm Dreaming Of A White Doomsday

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE DOOMSDAY (2017)
Kelly and her son Riley, weathering the end times in a bomb shelter amidst the ruin that once was the world. With supplies and hope steadily declining, Kelly makes a horrifying decision that will cause her to discover just how far she would go for her child, and what lurks outside.”

This may or may not be available now. Couldn’t find it on any of the porn tips, uh, movie database sites I frequent. I think, though, that Kelly’s “horrifying” decision would be to go outside. According to the trailer, there are fat, gas-mask-wearing Santa Claus survivors roaming the waistlands with no one left to give gifts to. (Note to apocalypse St. Nicks — you better not use global destruction as an excuse to not come to my house.)

Sinkhole 2

SINKHOLE 2 (pending 2018)
Angry sinkholes attack a small, nondescript town, engulfing people and buildings one by one. These ravenous monsters appear without warning, sucking terrorized townsfolk into oblivion. Enter a seismological specialist with a secret past, hellbent on revenge. He joins forces with the local sheriff, who is on a personal mission to save his own daughter and town. Can this unlikely duo abort these monstrous cracks of death? Will our heroes survive overwhelming forces of nature with potentially explosive consequences? Can they combat a skeptical mayor with ulterior motives who will stop at nothing to serve his own selfish gains?

Sounds like Dirt Jaws. Sinkholes, by the way, also go by another name: “box office.”

Crayon Horror, Rodent Republicans, Werewolf Babies

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Beauty of Horror III

The horror genre is colorful (where would the popularity of movie screen blood be if it was puce?), so why not make a coloring book based on it. Or how about two coloring books? Better still, three coloring books?

The Beauty of Horror

Enter The Beauty of Horror 3: Haunted Playgrounds coloring book by Alan Robert, arriving July 2018 from IDW Publishing. Time to bust out those old Crayola crayons and get your Picasso on.

Crayola

Speaking of the world’s most favorite drawing implement this side of a chisel and stone tablet (a bit cumbersome, but makes a rather bold statement), in 2008 Crayola had 120 colors from which to augment your graffiti. Colorful memories recall Macaroni & Cheese, Atomic Tangerine, Inch Worm, and my favorite, Beaver (a metaphorical cross between Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown and Tickle Me Pink.) Today’s Crayola colors number in the billions. Or so I’ve heard. (No word whether or not “Shard” made the grade.)

While you contemplate that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stay inside the lines…

Ratpocalypse

RATPOCALYPSE (December 12, 2017)
American Senator John Perryman, a man of pure and humble soul with a warrior’s disposition, delivers a fiery speech in Moscow about the country’s main evil — corruption. A corruption so pervasive it will turn men into “rats.” He declares that he was ordered from above to speak to them and threatens everyone with the loss of their human form, which draws only guffaws and resentment from the people. Many take the Senator for a madman as gradually, all his friends and relatives turn away from him. Eventually the Senator meets a mysterious girl in the streets who seems to be his guardian angel but soon, everything he talked about in Moscow begins to come true, triggering panic in Russia and around the world.”

If I were to choose a parasitic form for politicians to morph into, it’d be butt worms. Oh wait, that already happened. Still, rat-faced politicians, while new to movies, is nothing out of the ordinary. Just turn on the news.

OCCUPATION (2018)
“After a devastating intergalactic attack on Earth, the last surviving humans must band together for the sake of survival. As war looms, and the struggle to stay alive worsens, they realize the only way to save the human race is to stay one step ahead of their attackers and strike back.”

Wow. That couldn’t be a more limp sausage, generic press release. And why “intergalactic”? Couldn’t they have just said, “beyond Earthly confines”? That sounds way more science-y.

Good Manners

GOOD MANNERS (aka, As Boas Maneiras/2018)
“Clara, a lonely nurse from the outskirts of São Paulo, is hired by mysterious and wealthy Ana to care for and protect her son after he is born not looking like a human.”

A Brazilian horror movie foreignly released summer/August of 2017, that, while given the U.S. title of Good Manners, actually translates to The Good Ways. Absolutely none of the above works at all as the newborn is a werewolf. (Not a spoiler; it’s all over the Internet thingamajig.) And while we’re on the subject, since when does a newborn look anything like a human? I’m thinkin’ more of along the lines of shaved peaches. (Come to think of it, that could be another cool Crayola color.)

The Toybox

THE TOYBOX (2018)
“A family goes on a cross-country trip across America and get stranded in the desert by a supernatural force that is slowly killing them off.”

Yep, someone busted a grumpy in the RV toilet and didn’t jiggle the handle. The same supernatural force can be experienced walking into a gas station restroom.