Humans Vs. Zombies. Again. And Again.

Hard to call Humans Vs. Zombies a new movie when there’s really nothing new about it. A deadly virus turns most of humanity into the undead, who pursue the living as if an all you can eat buffet. A small group of survivors shoot the zombies with guns. The end.

If that story line seems familiar to you, it’s because it’s been used – and continues to be used – in 97% of the movies about zombies. And like the chicks who won’t let me feel them up, there are a LOT of ’em out there.

It’s not that I’m against Humans Vs. Zombies. Heck, I’d rather watch the living dead devour the living any day of the week. But to fall back on the whole “deadly virus reanimating hordes of the dead who eat your neck” angle is just plain lazy.

For once they should have Jesus come down from Heaven (which is in outer space) and look at all the crap we’re doing to His planet. Pissed off at everyone, the Son of Man shoots beams out of His glowing eyes and makes buried corpses get out of their dirt beds and gives them permission to eat your face off. And since Jesus was the first zombie (He came back from the dead three days after the Nazareth Virus took Him down), this plot angle makes perfect logical sense.

Making a zombie movie is like rap music – anybody can do it. And everyone is doing it because it’s an easy buck. But why even fight it when there’ll be 10 more zombie movies with the exact same premise coming out next week. I may as well begin filming mine – Jesus, Lord of the Undead. Maybe I can get a rap artist to star in it. You know, to give it street cred and keep it real.

Chopper: A Movie, A Motorcycle And A Career Choice

Chopper, an upcoming horror movie/comic featuring a guy with a chopped head on a chopper (that’s kinda funny), is a contemporary spin on the Legend of Sleepy Hollow, the story about a headless vengeful spirit on horseback who throws flaming pumpkins at you, which could’ve been used for pies and such. Substitute a motorcycle for a shiny pony, a topless tattoo artist for the headless ghost of a Hessian trooper who had the misfortune of catching a stray cannonball with his face, and real heads used in place of seasonal garden squash, and you have a convenient way to waste 90 or so minutes of your time.

While the story is as played out as emo vampires, it got me thinking about other horror/sci-fi motorcycles and why I don’t have one to exact my revenge on something. The first hell bike to come to mind is the one in I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle (1990) a woeful tale about a biker gang who kills an occultist, who was in the middle of conjuring a demon. The demon spirit, all messed up and nowhere to go, inhabits the soul of a motorcycle and it starts up on the first kick. Say what you will about demons, they’re really good at cold starts.

Then there’s the wicked cool Bat Bike from The Dark Knight/2008. That thing had it all, from super wide tires for criminal squashing, to axle-mounted machine guns for criminal aerating.

The future motorcycle in Priest (2011) looks like it was made out of a jet turbine, and could cause a lot of turbulence for whoever is standing on the sidewalk when it comes rocketing by, trying to get around a stoplight and/or evading future cops.

Even though it doesn’t have an engine, the Saw (2004) motorcycle is exceptional for its sparse design, smooth lines and unmatched mileage (30 screams per gallon city/40 highway).

The Predator motorcycle, looking rather uncomfortable to sit on, what with the seat being made out of a former seat warmer, is only for those with the spine to drive it. Which is ironic given that the thing runs on skulls and spines, a heady (sorry) blend of form and function.

The Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (1985) motorcycle is all about stylin’ and profilin’ with streamers, a lion’s head horn and red stripes that scream, “I’ll race you to Hell and back – ha ha!” And I’m pretty sure the headlight shoots out hydrochloric acid and Oingo Boingo songs.

The Ghost Rider (2007) motorcycle, which burns fuel on the outside of the tank, can drive up the sides of buildings, opening up a world of available parking spaces.

The motorcycle in Terminator: Salvation (2009) is a Terminator turned into a bike, meaning if you ride it, you’re sitting on a Terminator’s face. One of you is gonna like it.

The lovely tattooed gal with at least two qualifications to star in Chopper, looks like she belongs on the cover of X-Rated Mattress Motorcycle Monthly. Her name? Does it matter?

Another World, Another Zombie Movie

Another World is another in the booming Israeli horror film industry. They’re up to two now – craziness is about to ensue, so brace thyself. And like Israel’s Rabies, also a zombie film, Another World is looking to break into the international film market and reap profits where there were no profits before. (In 2010, 18 movies were released in Israel. Only two made money. And popcorn is sold as bird food because it’s pretty obvious no one goes to the movies.)

But Another World has bigger problems than trying to crack the horror genre with yet another zombie movie. Not even trying to make anything original, the film is about a lethal virus that gets loose and kills most of humanity, and turns them into mindless, murderous creatures. I liked it better when it was called 28 Days Later (2002).

But why stop at taking the 28 Days’ plot? Let’s copy their poster, too! And while we’re at it, let’s rip off the poster for Monsters (2010) and really be cool!

Wait – we could take this thing over the top and rip off Carrie (1976) by having one of our bloody Marys look just like her! Who cares if the U.S. market knows? Everyone in Israel has never seen these films and they’ll think we’re geniuses! Man, we are so dang clever!

Nah, just having fun with Israel. No one rips off horror movies more than Asylum Studios, so comparatively Another World is petty theft. Just a last piece of advice for Israeli movie houses – you’ll get more customers if you offer popcorn and hot dogs instead of Ptitim (couscous) and Chraime (fish prepared in a sauce with hot pepper and other spices). I know those are your favored dishes, but it’ll stink up the theater, and if I sit next to someone eating that stuff, it’ll totally make me puke.

Israel Has Rabies (The Movie, Not The Germs)

The headlines are pretty darn funny: “Rabies, the first Israeli horror movie, has reviewers foaming at the mouth!” The humorous part is rabies makes your mouth car wash foam like you overloaded your toothbrush and went to town.

But not everyone is foaming at the mouth. A terse review of Rabies on The Rayve: Tel Aviv With A Twist website has this to say about that:

“Rabies is a poorly made horror movie with a really loose plot that strayed from some essential horror movie conventions in an attempt to try and make the movie somehow ‘Israeli.’ For example, four of the main characters are clean, pretty kids dressed in clean tennis outfits on their way to play a game at some country club. It has to be noted that there simply are no Israelis that dress in clean, preppy tennis gear like that and/or play tennis at exclusive country clubs. At the end of the film, the final line specifically insinuates that the stock horror movie doesn’t work in Israel simply because the entire country is full of a**holes who are ready to kill one another at the drop of a hat.”

Ouch.

Still, it’s heart-warming to see other countries expanding their corporate branding to fast cash enterprises as horror movies. Canada did back in 1977 with a similarly titled Rabid, directed by David Cronenberg), starring Marilyn Chambers, an international porn star, going mainstream for the first time (no depictions of butt spelunking), and vampire zombies.

The story revolves around sexually-liberated chick and her boyfriend (with whom she no doubt lets rub her in the shower), who get in a gnarly motorcycle accident. Using experimental surgery to get her back to feeling up status, the doctor hooks her up with morphogenetically neutral skin, which is kinda like Silly Putty™ for humans, wherein the new material replicates itself to replace worn out/damaged/felt up tissue.

And because experimental science rocks, the whole thing backfires and mutates her armpit into a protruding stinger, which she uses to extract blood food from unwilling donors. Once stung, you’re infected and go around doing the same to others. Next stop, Epidemic City.

What makes this movie so cool is that Marilyn, usually on the other side of the stinger, shows her boobs. Oh, yeah – the plot and vampire zombies are cool, too. Now if Israel could tap into some ’o that R-rated armpit horror action, they may not feel the need to kill each other at the drop of a hat.

Game of Werewolves

So I’m sniffing around Werewolves.com, looking for grooming tips, when I come across a preview of a new Spanish werewolf movie called Lobos de Arga. Using my command of all things word barf, I deduced that the movie’s title translates as Party of Wolves. (formula: Lobos = wolves, de = of, Arga = Arga. The word “party,” while translating to “partido,” is not represented correctly in the title. Therefore I can only conclude something in Spain, or my head, is f’d up. That, or Arga is a place in Spain where werewolves run free.)

Lobos de Arga isn’t due out until summer 2011, but it’s being described as a horror comedy, or “terror comedia.” (Don’t even think to mess with my linguistical skillz, man.)

So this guy Tomas, besides missing an “H” in his name, is a failed writer. Even so, Tomas is invited back to his village home in Galacia. (I’m thinking that’s Spanish for “glacier.” Hope Tomas is wearing a warm coat.) The plan is to lure him there with a fake award. But he’s really needed to put an end to a 100 year-old curse that has hombre lobos running around, peeing on anything that remotely looks like a fire hydrant. That, and eating your face off. Good luck with that, Tomas.

I have high expectations for Lobos de Arga, as Spain is home to some of the coolest werewolf movies ever made, nearly all played by horror film legend Paul Naschy. He wolfed up 15 times in everything from La Marca del Hombre Lobo (Mark of the Wolf Man) in 1968, to Um Lobisomem na Amazonia (A Werewolf in Amazonia) in 2005. Naschy won’t be making any more werewolf movies as he’s kinda not alive anymore, having passed away in November of 2009. Still, that was uno fresco hombre lobo (one cool wolf man).

Even though it’s probably dangerous, I would like to partido with a werewolf. We could sit around getting drunk, talk smack about the Mummy, and trade grooming tips. Who knows – he might even show me how to eat faces off. That’d be rad.

Little Deaths: Size Doesn’t Matter

There’s a fine line between shocking sexual deviancy and romance. Whose to say that introducing a turkey baster to a consenting orifice isn’t the same as holding hands in the park? Whichever end of the utensil you sit on, you have to admit love would be pretty boring without the occasional stroll down Pervert Blvd.

“La petite mort,” French for “the little death”, is a metaphor for orgasm. “Super Fun Happy Slide” is my metaphor. Little Deaths, a new psycho sex-based horror movie, deals with the aforementioned metaphors in ways not meant for the weak of stomach or will power. A three-vignette story, each is a cautionary tale about having the right key, but the wrong key hole…

HOUSE AND HOME
A young Christian couple whose sex life is gridlocked by their faith, get bored enough with both to invite a hot homeless woman into their house for some food and a slow, steamy bath with lots of bubbles. The couple soon lets their freak flag fly. So does their house guest. Guess how this ends. No really, guess.

MUTANT TOOL
This one should’ve been sponsored by Home Depot™. There’s an imprisoned guy who has a wiener so big, it qualifies as offshore drilling. His “mutant tool” is being harvested(!) to make a powerful drug. A recovering drug addict/prostitute/model/actress takes the drug. You’ll want to cover your eyes – and groin – when you see what happens next.

BITCH
Some guys like being dominated and humiliated by women. We call this “marriage.” A guy, whose girlfriend has him on all fours and playing receiver with a strap-on turkey baster, thought his relationship had all the trimmings…until she starts making gobble gobble noises at a mutual friend. Knowing her abnormal fear of canines, he lets the dogs out on her. Don’t make me say it.

You’ll probably want to brush your teeth after knowing this about Little Deaths. Just be careful where you put the toothbrush afterward – someone might take it as an invitation to love.

Zombie Babies – It’s Your Turn To Feed Them

Zombie Babies, the story of late-term abortions with the fetuses coming back to life with a taste for ankle-biting and wanting the chew the fat with their would’ve-been parents, is right up there with the most goon-outable movie topics. And it goes to show there are no sacred cows left for the sake of pushing the horror envelope. (They were chopped up and fed to to school kids on “Mystery Meat Day” in Sacred Cow Slaughter VII.)

With the albeit funny tag line of “Coming sooner than you planned,” Zombie Babies goes like this: “When a local entrepreneur offers up a new painless late-term abortion method, couples flock to his hotel to take advantage. During their weekend retreat, a freak accident re-animates the children, who come back with a desire for vengeance and a taste for human flesh.”

Anyone with no self-respect can purchase the movie (Google™ it) through Paypal™ for $15. I think I have enough bus change left under the couch cushions to cover it.

Just so we’re not leaving anyone out, Chicago graphic designer Evan O’Brian designed a 2009 poster for Zombabies, a similar movie as yet not made. Whew.

Dead babies, zombies or not, have been around since the early Seventies, first appearing on the 1971 Killers album by Alice Cooper. The lyrics are brilliant in the right context: “Dead babies can’t take care of themselves; dead babies can’t take things off the shelf; Well we didn’t need you anyway…”

Don’t look at me like that.

Go Ask Alyce

Alyce is the title of the upcoming “ultra-gritty psychological thriller” about a girl who accidentally(!) knocks her best friend off a roof. I’m not sure, but I think there’s more to the plot, though I’m fine with just this.

Apparently Alyce, consumed by guilt, “delves into a brutal nightmare wonderland of sex, drugs and violence, her mind tearing itself apart…along with anyone else who gets in her way.” Well, heck, this thing just keeps getting better!

Sounds like an emo version of Alice in Wonderland (1903), which along with The Wizard of Oz (1939), are the two best drug movies ever made (with apologies to Cheech & Chong’s Up In Smoke/1978).

Alyce is also the name of a designer prom dress company, who make stunning outfits that range from fun and flirty to short and sweet. The attention to design detail, with an array of unique fabrics, help to make you look understated and elegant. The colors and the materials of the 2011 Alyce Prom Dresses collection ooze luxury from every seam.

If I was a chick I’d totally buy one of these sweet ensembles, which run anywhere from $250 to $400. Then again, if I was a chick, I’d probably spend most of my time feeling myself up.

Ice, Ice, Baby: Snowbeast Rocks

He’s the hardest working man in snow business. Clearly someone who really likes what he does for a living (ripping the arms off people and then eating their face), Snowbeast has been conducting winter games as far back as 1954 (The Snow Creature), and headlining a half dozen more since. And not once has anyone been able to permanently kick Snowbeast in the ice hole.

The self-titled Snowbeast, released in 1977, finds our seasonal friend ripping the arms off people who dare tread on his tundra. Their faces were eaten. 2011’s Snowbeast, his latest star vehicle, finds our seasonal friend ripping the arms off people who dare tread on his tundra. Yep, their faces will be eaten. It’s a formula that works. Hey, if it’s not broken, why fix it?

But don’t take my word for it – here are the official plots…

SNOWBEAST (1977): A Colorado ski resort is besieged by a sub-human beast that commits brutal murders on the slopes.

SNOWBEAST (2011): A research team studies the Canadian Lynx every winter. But the lynx are missing. As the team try to find why, something stalks them – a predator no prey can escape.

Sure, Snowbeast looks like an albino gorilla wearing a monkey suit. That’s just to lure you into a false sense of security so he can rip your arms off. If you don’t know what happens next, put down this e-book and go to your room.

This sort of behavior could best be described as abominable and… Hey, that sounds like another cool name for Snowbeast! I’ll have to copyright it as I’m 100% sure no one’s thought of it before. I’m gonna be stinkin’ rich!

Age of Dragons

Fire-breathing dragons are more than just heavy metal seagulls raised on Motorhead and drugs. They’re an integral part of the earth’s fragile ecosystem, ridding the landscape of smug humans who make stink wherever they go. And their droppings make for great garden mulch, yielding bumper crops of eye-pleasing sticker bushes and rag weed.

So there’s a modicum of pee-shiver excitement over Age of Dragons, an upcoming horror fantasy that’s a re-telling of Moby Dick, with a guy scarred by the great white dragon (turned half his face into a waffle), and his crazy talk plan to clean the sky of that fertilizer-making demon once and for all.

The movie’s website promises that “it’s unlike any dragon you’ve seen before.” I don’t mean to be a nay saying douche here, but that’s a grand proclamation that’s gonna have to do some serious stepping up. First, you need to make the dragons as cool, if not better than the ones in Reign of Fire (2002), as well as the remarkable Dragonslayer, which came out in 1981 and didn’t have computers to bring the monster to life. (They used magic, and because it was used for good, that was OK.)

Judging from the movie trailer, the dragon does look pretty cool, although the characters aren’t very believable. Everyone – except Waffle Face –looks like they stepped out of an Axe™ Body Spray commercial, with the lead chick so gorgeous, you almost don’t care that she has hair under her arms. (I’ve often traveled back in time, and believe me, chicks back then, while fairly easy, look like career homeless people.) And for the record, toothbrushes didn’t exist back in the age of dragons, so how come everyone has a Pepsodent™ smile? I can believe in fire-breathing dragons. I cannot, however, put my unconditional faith in a period piece where the rules of dental hygiene are upheld.

So yeah, I’ll still go see the movie. But every time someone smiles/grimaces, I’ll roll my eyes in disgust.