Archive for February, 2013

Exorcism Gone Wild

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens with tags , , , on February 28, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005) is an interesting, though fright-lite horror tale based on a true demonic event that for once I had nothing to do with.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Nineteen year-old Emily Rose got a scholarship and moves out of her wild Catholic home in the middle of farm f*ck nowhere. Once at college she starts seeing visions of demons in the faces of other students and in the shower steam on her dorm window. (Catholic guilt, workin’ its magic.)

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Doesn’t take long before she starts convulsing into pretzel shapes (see “Frat Keggar”), getting sores on her face and screaming like someone just invited her to a frat keggar. The doctors pump her full of medication thinking she’s an epileptic. But the drugs are keeping her in a state of perpetual possession by not one but six demons, all of whom name themselves. (Again, not me.) But an eventual exorcism in a barn where cows recycle hay doesn’t go according to scripture and the girl dies.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

The movie isn’t so much about Emily with six devils inside her (isn’t there a porn movie with that same premise?), but about the priest, put on trial for her demise (he counseled her to quit taking the medication) and the hot attorney (Laura Linney) who has to defend him.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

As courtroom drama goes, it’s OK. (I’ve seen better “hang ’em high” trials on Perry Mason.) The added “demons are after the attorney now” stuff is annoyingly hokey. But it’s the closing statements that pour some juice.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Several fun facts: Emily’s night stand clock stops at 3AM every morning. This is explained in church-speak as the Devil’s way of mocking in reverse the 3PM time of day Christ rose from the grave. (So that’s why all those clocks in other horror movies stop at 3AM. I wonder if demons know how to set their watches to Eastern Standard Time?)

Also as interesting, Laura’s boss in this flick (Colm Feore), played the devil protagonist in Stephen King’s Storm of the Century (1999). The Hell you say.

Godzilla Dies

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on February 27, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla Vs. Destoroyah

Godzilla Vs. Destoroyah (1995) is the movie where Godzilla actually dies. Yeah, Godzilla kicked the bucket in his very first movie. That didn’t count, because in that one he was murdered. No one kills Godzilla in this movie – he kills himself!

Godzilla Vs. Destoroyah

His digestive system a virtual nuclear reactor, Godzilla’s core is heating up at an accelerated rate and radiation is literally eating him from the inside out. Hence, the steaming and glowing red sores all over his shirt. (Note: The steaming could very well be the after affects of eating refried fleeing citizens.)

Godzilla Vs. Destoroyah

This monolithic meltdown poses a serious problem for Tokyo – when Godzilla goes, everybody goes. G is already past the point of eruption, which will burn a hole to the center of the Earth, thereby annihilating all of this over-priced planet and its handy convenience stores.

Godzilla Vs. Destoroyah

With that on their plate, the about-to-be-dry-roasted city has to deal with deadly life-forms that’ve been brewing in the ocean every since Dr. Serizawa invented the Oxygen Destroyer™ and murdered Godzilla back in 1954.

Godzilla Vs. Destoroyah

These life-forms mutate faster than my beer gut into the monolithic Destoroyah (American pronunciation: Destroyer), one of the coolest/biggest/badassiest G monsters in the cupboard. He’s a bit on the unmanageable side, turning buildings into gravel chunks, sprouting city-wide bat wings and sporting numerous mouthy fangs the size of God’s pocketknife. There’s no way this can end good.

The spiritually epic finale will make you cry. I cried. It’s just not fair to keep piling all this sh*t on Godzilla. How would you like it?

Don’t Have a Cow-Man

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , on February 26, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gozu

Gozu (2003), a seriously messed up Japanese horror film is so surreal, I swear I was on drugs while watching it. But I don’t do drugs. (No, beer is not a drug, no matter what the prosecuting attorney argues).

Gozu

A man goes in search of his missing brother, Ozaki. Along the way he encounters the lactating woman, a human skin suit in his closet and an underwear-clad Minotaur (human with a bovine head) licking his face and covering it with so much cow spit you’d swear a snot balloon just exploded all over him. And I’d rather not talk about that soup spoon being used for insertion purposes right now. I just can’t. And I’m warning you up front about the dog-smashing part.

Gozu

The ongoing bizarre scenes paint a bigger picture, although I’m not sure what that is. Something to do with repressed homosexuality, repressed heterosexuality, repressed non-sexuality. The birth scene is legendary and carries an ick factor of 9 on a scale of 10. I don’t know about you, but I liked Gozu even though I have no idea what it was about.

A Handful of Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , on February 25, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Hand

A successful cartoonist loses his drawing hand in a freak accident. He stuck his arm out the car window and zing! Oh no! + ouch! = screaming. Time for a career change (music conductor comes to mind).

The Hand

His wife leaves him because she has two boobs, but he can only feel them up one at a time. The newspaper that syndicates his long-running strip hires a younger guy with two hands to keep the cartoon going and to draw it for ’ol Lefty. He even tries training his remaining fingers to draw, but like pleasuring yourself in an impure manner with the other hand, it just doesn’t work.

The Hand

Now he’s getting pot-boilingly pissed. His anger brings back his severed hand, crawling through the grass where dogs poop, where it does the only thing it can do: choke people to death. (This looks like it was done with a stunt stump.)

The Hand

The hand is a metaphor for the artist’s seething rage. But he should’ve at least washed it before making it kill people. I have to hand it to The Hand (1981), though – nicely depressing movie.

Zit-Covered Frankenstein

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , on February 24, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I Was A Teenage Frankenstein

It’s all about Professor Frankenstein this time, thank you. The modern day professor, along with Dr. Karlton, conspire to build a working human out of parts of corpses. I’m sure I heard of a similar plot, but where? 

I Was A Teenage Frankenstein

Frankenstein does not store his body parts in freezer bags, but rather drawers, not unlike where you keep your folded socks, hankies and prophylactics. What body parts are deemed freshness-expired get tossed to an alligator, also stored in the lab. That’s why he’s a professor – he thinks of everything.

I Was A Teenage Frankenstein

A car wreck yields fresh stock, that of some dude. When he’s reassembled, he’s one real mirror cracker, what with his entire head looking like Play-Doh™ gone wild, and tufts of hair augmenting an eyeball bulging to the point of squish popping.

I Was A Teenage Frankenstein

The monster gets loose, kills a little here, murders a little there, and generally misbehaves. Frankenstein commands the science abomination to dispatch a super handsome high school athlete, so he can graft that face onto the head of the monster. It works because hey, Frankenstein.

I Was A Teenage Frankenstein

Unfortunately, the monster overhears Frankenstein’s plan to take him apart, ship the pieces back to London, and reassemble him there, kinda like Ikea™ furniture, but with more stitches. (It’s way cheaper to do it that way as shipping to England is cost prohibitive.) Here’s where the monster gets to chime in with his opinion, backed by the ever-supportive alligator.

I Was A Teenage Frankenstein

I Was A Teenage Frankenstein (1957) is pretty cool stuff, though by today’s standards and practices it’s a tired story told over and over to the point where you just wanna throw yourself in an alligator pit. Don’t do that – Frankenstein will just have to put you all back together again in some other movie.

Samurai Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , on February 23, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Kibakichi

Kibakichi (2004) is a samurai werewolf who wears a hat that looks like an upside down bundt cake pan. His shoes and clothes are made of stylish rags and his eyebrows could seriously use some plucking. When not barking up the wrong tree, Kibakichi wanders the countryside – friendless and needing a bath – with no one to scratch his belly.

Kibakichi

Those he does encounter think Kibakichi’s an easy mark. They think wrong, and get their heads zinged off for their insolence. Kibakichi, though, keeps things on the down low as he is a Yokai, a form of monster that once peacefully coexisted with man, until man turned on the Yokai and began chopping them up like bacon-filled pigs.

Kibakichi

On his way to a ghostly village filled with spider geishas and gambling (a sort of Vegas for monsters), Kibakichi encounters turtle creatures that warn him of this “sin city” and what they do to Yokai tourists.

Once Kibakichi arrives he tangos with the town spider woman, whose steel claws and web-spitting make quick meals out of poor losers at the gambling tables. Wait a minute – she’s a Yokai! What the…? Apparently, the Yokai made a deal with the town’s corrupt mayor to protect the town from legal reprisal.

Kibakichi

Enter a team of hit men hired to come in and make everyone stop doing illegal stuff. They enforce this rule with machine guns (!) Innocent people get slaughtered, which makes Kibakichi wolf up and do a samurai rampage rodeo on everyone’s sorry asses.

Kibakichi

Blood sprays as if shot from Super Soakers™. Body parts fling around like Frisbees™. Hair remains uncombed. Throw in Anju, Kibakichi’s ex-girlfriend who wants to kill him with a razor-sharp boomerang, and this movie has everything: drama, action, love, fur, and dismemberment.

I totally wanna be a samurai werewolf. But I don’t wanna wear that goofy hat.

An Emotional Succubus

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , on February 22, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Leech Woman

Alcoholic, jealous, bitter and unloved (wonder why?), June Talbot is not a leech in the entomological sense in The Leech Woman (1960). She doesn’t suck blood through your pores, but she does drain your freakin’ batteries with all the whining about not getting any of the good stuff from husband and endocrinology doctor, Paul Talbot, who would rather see her jump out the window than have to listen to anymore of her bellyaching.

The Leech Woman

That is, until some withered old crone shows up in his office and reveals unto him the secret of youth. Yeah, I though it was booze, too, but it turns out to be some sort of magic powder, that when mixed with the neck drippings of a male, substantially restores the feel-up factor of the female who ingests it.

The Leech Woman

Off the unhappy couple go to Africa to get some ’o this money-making substance. It’s there June discovers Paul’s just been using her. (What a cad.) So she uses his pineal gland leakings, mixes it with an orchid powder and, wham, instant hot date. Problem is the darn stuff wears off pretty quick. And when it does, you look twice as old as you were before drinking the anti-MILF cocktail. You can see where this is going.

The Leech Woman

Back home in the States she tricks her J.C. Penny™ catalog-handsome attorney into thinking she’s her own niece in order to seduce him. Why can’t I meet women like that? Great double-crossings, plunging daggers, plunging necklines, and, for once, slick detective work on behalf of a cop who manages to link her to all the guys in town with holes in their necks.

For once I’m glad someone didn’t turn into a people-sized bug.