Camera Killers, Teen Angst Ghosts, Satan’s Better Halves

The horror movie flood tides continue to rise, with EVEN MORE releases lining up to un-line your coin purse…

PLAYING WITH DOLLS: BLOODLUST (November 1, 2016 / VOD)
“A group of aspiring actors are chosen for a reality horror TV show. In the show, they must survive being chased by a killer. The program is filmed with scores of tiny cameras in a cabin and the surrounding forest. What the contestants don’t know is that this murderer is a real killer and the television program is a ruse.”

The sequel to Playing With Dolls (2015), wherein a serial killer is decommissioned by an institute for the criminally insane, presumably to go back to his day job. The new one, though, has a much more clever twist. Tiny cameras? That’s flippin’ amazing.

SHUT IN (November 11, 2016)
“Mary is a widowed child psychologist who believes she’s being haunted by the disturbed foster child Tom, who ran away while under her care. The haunting episodes take place in Mary’s deserted New England home where she tends to her stepson who is in a permanent catatonic state following a car accident.”

So is Disturbed Tom a vengeful ghost or just a “kid at risk” candidate? And since when is a house deserted when there are people living in it? Color me confused.

THE SIMILARS (November 15, 2016 / VOD)
“On the rainy night of October 2, 1968, eight people waiting in a remote bus station for a bus heading to Mexico City start experiencing a strange phenomenon. Threatened by paranoia and fear, the strangers show the best and worst of themselves as they try to unravel the mysterious condition that is invading each of them like a virus.”

I liked this better when it was called The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street (The Twilight Zone, episode #22 / aired March 4, 1960). Exact similar plot. Word to your mother.

BRIDES OF SATAN (pending crowd-funding)
“Brides of Satan is a cinematic love story to the early exploitation films of the 1960s, The grindhouse revenge thrillers of the 70’s, and the apocalyptic punk rock 1980s. It’s a kitchen sink, genre f*ck – of action, B-movie and horror, featuring a gang of unlikely anti-heroes & heroines. Recommended for fans of Kill Bill (2004), Faster Pussycat Kill Kill (1965), Natural Born Killers (1994), and Death Wish (1974). Project is currently 1/4 into principle photography – we Need YOU to help COMPLETE this modern revenge thriller!”

As of today (October 31, 2016) Brides of Satan has only raised $1,368 from 14 backers on Indiegogo™. With 17 days left on the green mile clock, it might be an economic pipe dream for them to hit their target of $66,666.66. That number seems familiar for some reason and… Oh, I remember – that’s my phone number. P.S. Lend them your bit coins HERE.

Doctor to the Monsters

House of Dracula (1945) is the cash-in sequel to House of Frankenstein (1944). Sadly, Co-op of The Creature and Duplex of the Damned never got off the drawing board. Dang it all to heck.

In HoD, Dracula (aka, Baron Latos) is fed up with being a vampire and seeks the medical acumen of castle-dwelling Dr. Franz Edelmann. No word on whether or not Dracula got a referral from his primary care physician.

Doc Edelmann, aided by two nurse assistants (one is a supermodel, the other a hunchback who looked like she just had her bra on backward), tells Dracula that he’s been experimenting with clavaria formosa, a plant whose spores have the ability to reshape bone. (Sorry skeletons; doesn’t work on you.) And with a series of blood transfusions, he can cure the quitter vampire. (P.S. The blood comes from Edelmann himself. Put that up there in the Top 5 malpractices suits of all time.)

The doc must’ve left his “walk-ins welcome” sign on because Larry Talbot – the Wolf Man – also shows up, begging the doc to find a cure for his lycanthropy. (Geez, who’s next – the Mummy needing his Band-Aids™ changed?)

As we all know, Talbot hates being a werewolf because of all that primal need to kill stuff. The doc theorizes that Larry’s wolf-y upgrade is not due to the moon’s influence, but there’s pressure on his brain that, with a little open head surgery and some science mold spores from the same plant, he can cure the fur.

Of course, all of this goes to heck in a hand basket. During the transfusion, Dracula punks the doc and Nurse Hunchback by hypnotizing them and reversing the blood flow, thereby infecting Edelmann with Type-Oh No Negative. Now the doc’s a vampire that runs around town making work for the coroner.

Somehow they wedge Frankenstein’s monster into the mix. Why not? In for a penny, in for a pound. While F’s monster doesn’t really do anything except lumber around like it was last call, it’s the now evil doc who needs to taste the wrath of torches and rakes wielded by hangman jury-esque villagers.

Dracula, wearing a top hat indoors (how rude), is hammy and seems to be phoning it in. Larry Talbot sports a mustache (like he freakin’ needs more hair on his face). The doc – in both care giver and care taker form – gets most of the screen time (and will no doubt bill you for it). The hunchback nurse is killed and her body tossed in a cave hole. (I had a hunch that would happen. Heh.) And Frankenstein’s monster, who locked it up with Larry in Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man (1943), gets the raw end of the electrode YET AGAIN, and goes up in flames with the rest of the castle in the movie’s rushed climax/ending. He’ll be back.

P.S. Wolf Man and Frankenstein’s M were reunited in 2009’s House of the Wolf Man. Those two just can’t seem to get along. Maybe they should try regular therapy instead of shock therapy.

Werewolves, Vampires, Demons, Rap

A new batch of upcoming grisly goodies for you to evaluate and possibly pay the filmmaker’s rent by viewing ’em through the looking glass that is your wallet…

NAILS (2017)
“Dana Milgrom, a track coach who, having survived a near-death car accident, finds herself completely paralyzed and trapped inside her own body. While recovering she becomes convinced that an evil presence exists inside her hospital room and is intent on killing her.”

Pffft – the evil presence is the impending medical bill your health insurance won’t cover.

TANK 432 (November 25, 2016 / Limited)
“On the run and with nowhere to hide, a group of soldiers and their two prisoners take cover from a mysterious enemy inside an abandoned military war tank. While they try to keep the forces outside at bay, secrets are uncovered and little do they realize the real enemy is already among them, locked inside Tank 432.”

This one’s been out in the UK since August of 2015. Even so, the press release all but gives away the punchline by pointing out one of the prisoners is a werewolf. Okay, I don’t know for sure he’s a werewolf. But in cases like these, it’s best to just go with werewolf. Works in a lot more real life applications than you’d think.

RAW (march 10, 2017 / Limited)
“Everyone in Justine’s family is a vet – and a vegetarian. At 16, she’s a brilliant and promising student. When she starts at veterinary school, she enters a decadent, merciless and dangerously seductive world. During the first week of hazing rituals, desperate to fit in whatever the cost, she strays from her family principles when she eats raw meat for the first time. Justine will soon face the terrible and unexpected consequences of her actions when her true self begins to emerge.”

Sounds like a mash-up of Denmark’s When Animals Dream (2014) and Clive Barker’s Dread (2009). As part of its “face your fears” experiment, Dread features a gal who was sexually abused by her father, an employee at a meat packing plant. Not shockingly, she can’t even smell meat being cooked without gooning out.

As a test, she’s involuntarily forced to reconsider her culinary aversion after being locked in a room for days with no food except you know what. She tries to hold out, but as science tells us, room temperature beef has a tendency to go maggot-y and rancid-y when left out. Still, better than whatever Gas-n-Go™ calls a burger these days.

That said, I’m guessing the girl in Raw is either a werewolf or a cannibal or a line chef at Gas-n-Go™. Or a combination thereof.

EVOLUTION (November 25, 2016 / Limited)
“A young boy living in a mysterious, isolated seaside clinic uncovers the sinister purposes of his keepers.”

I liked this better when it was called Morgan (2016). P.S. He’s probably a werewolf.

BLOODRUNNERS (2017)
“By 1933 Prohibition has proven a booming enterprise, where average citizens break the law, hide in the shadows and operate at night. While shaking down the newest speakeasy in the local underground, corrupt cop Jack Malone and his men uncover a clan of vampires hell bent on taking over the town. Now Chesterfield (Ice-T), an ancient vampire, and his horde must hide their secret at any cost.”

Rap/movie/media superstar Ice-T is pretty dang cool. More so as a vampire. I still think rap music sucks AND blows, though. (Note to rap music fans: There is a cure for your affliction – IRON MAIDEN.)

Monster Town

What Silent Hill (2006) – a movie adapted from the popular 1999 Japanese horror video game franchise – lacks in cohesive storytelling, at times makes up for it with undie squeezing atmosphere (great use of smoke/fog, or “smog”) and some of the more disturbing and icky creatures/monsters since Hellraiser’s (1987) Cenobites, from which it clearly draws inspiration. (Note: The movie utilizes this and thats from the first four Silent Hill games, might explain the pieced-together feel.)

A ridiculously attractive mom has a young daughter who sleepwalks around waterfall cliffs, even though the kid has been repeatedly told not to go out after dark. (Like that works with kids.) Turns out the little scamp is dying from an unknown cause and a faith healer (my medical insurance only covers Shamans) tells mom for answers to take her daughter to the spooky Silent Hill, a small abandoned town no longer on any map, Google™ or otherwise.

The town of Silent Hill – renowned for witchcraft gone wild – is pretty dang eerie. First, its shrouded in smoke from an underground coal mine that’s been burning out of control for decades. (Probably why everyone left. That, and there’s no 7-Eleven™. Reason enough to pack it up.) Secondly, there’s an apocalyptic horn that goes off every so often, releasing some seriously messed up creatures that come out of nowhere to eat faces clean off whatever head it’s attached to.

Like the video game it’s fashioned after, the monster encounters get progressively hardcore, turning up as walking torsos, twisted body guys, mutant nurses and the impressive level boss Pyramid Head and his 12-foot knife that can cut through walls to get its point across.

Teaming up with a previously encountered female cop, Rose, frantically searches for her kid who wandered off and is seen in glimpses running through a maze of building floors and is heading down into the depths of what sure as hell looks like Hell. And it’s here the story, steeped in evilness, gets muddled.

There’s a ghost religious leader, ghost townsfolk from years gone by, a witch-sacrificing bonfire (no marshmallows, though), and a darker than black demon thing. To tie this altogether would take a LOT of word wrangling as the movie piles the back story on said bonfire during the last 10 minutes. So much so, you can barely keep track, even with a 12-foot knife being pointed at your uncooked (for now) self.

Yeah, Silent Hill plays out in linear fashion like its parent video game. But the creature things — which needed WAY more screen time — are downright delightful.

P.S. The sequel Silent Hill: Revelation (2012) brought back the first one’s better freak creatures, but suffered from a sub-standard plot and a disturbing lack of fun. Sounds like my life.

$40,000 Godzilla

Have you ever wanted something so badly you’re willing to publicly down-on-your-knees beg for it. (NOT counting beer – I’ve been doing that for years.) I’m talking about owning my very own 6-foot tall Godzilla statue by Bandai, licensor of all things kaiju.

From the press release…

“A rare human-size Godzilla figure to tower over your life…”

“A random drawing decides which 10 fans get the chance to own this 3D-printed Godzilla statue (based on the design from the 1991 film Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah), which costs approximately $43,500.00.”

“Only 10 of these Design Coco™ 3D-printed statues will be made, with the chance to buy the giant Godzilla assigned through a random drawing. Bandai will take applications for the drawing on its Premium Bandai™ website starting November 7, 2016.”

$40,000+ big ones for the Big Guy might cause some among us to spazz out. But I recall a solid gold Godzilla statue about 14 inches tall sold for $1.5 million fun coupons back in 2014. Unfortunately, I was not able to buy it, even with a post-dated check. (Geez – I had proper I.D.)

So I have GOT to have this Godzilla statue. Anybody got a spare $43,500.00 laying around I could borrow? I have lots of post-dated checks already filled out…

Larva of the Living Dead

When East Coast homeless people die and can’t afford a funeral with all the extras (coffin, dirt, absolution) they’re buried on an uninhabited island just an autopsy away from New York. Sounds more like landfill than an island.

So this Scrooge McDuck rich guy gets the idea to buy the island, rebrand it as “Hope Island’, build a bunch of low rent slums on its bleak shores, thereby “cleaning” the streets of the Big Dirty Apple. As a PR move, it scores big with those who just want the homeless problem to go away. But the dead who live on the island think the idea sucks, so they turn themselves into cloud swarms of flies and maggots and attack the living.

Script padding includes a bleeding heart female cop trying to find corpse closure, a few expendable prisoners (they use jail guys to dig the graves, thus saving tax dollars), and an experiment to experiment on the tenants to develop some sort of space drug, no doubt for NASA, those ass hats. They even toss in a couple of angry rap songs to illustrate the plight of inner city citizens. (Like rap is even music – pffft.)

Outside of accelerated decomposition of bodies after they’re bitten by gangsta flies and gangsta maggots, Island of the Dead (2000) couldn’t be more boring. The pace is excruciatingly slow (much like the maggot’s squiggly dance of death amongst assorted entrails), and the “dead” aren’t seen ripping the heads of the living and gorging on their brains. Stick to Gilligan’s Island (1964) for some real head-ripping action.

P.S. It is my express wish in life that you do not confuse Island of the Dead with the slight variation titled Island of the Living Dead (2007). And because you need something more substantial, that one is about a group of treasure hunters surviving a shipwreck only to find themselves stuck on a deserted island that’s been overrun with nasty ass flesh-eating zombies.

P.P.S. How can an island be deserted when its overrun by zombies? Movie makers be so dumb sometimes.

Cannibals, Vampires, Talking Trees

Lots of horror movies as of late. Wonder that the stinkin’ heck that’s all about? Not like it’s goonin’ me out or anything. Okay, maybe a little.

CHILD EATER (2016)
“Taking it’s cues from dark fairy tales, the story concerns of simple night of babysitting, which takes a horrifying turn when Helen realizes that the bogeyman is real and is in little Lucas’ closet.”

Gotta say, this might be the best horror movie title with a kid reference since 1972’s Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things. Child Eater is based on a 2012 short of the same name. Never saw it. I was busy washing and combing my hair the entire year. (And what a shine!)

WOLVES AT THE DOOR (2017)
“Four friends gather at an elegant home during the Summer of Love, 1969. Unbeknown to them, deadly visitors are waiting outside. What begins as a simple farewell party turns to a night of primal terror as the intruders stalk and torment the four, who struggle for their lives against what appears to be a senseless attack.”

A questionable rendering of the counter-culture Manson murders nearly 50 years ago. Who needs hippie reenactments when today’s home invasion die kill bleed movies (i.e., Them/2006, The Strangers/2008, and You’re Next/2013) are almost as nasty as the real thing?

THE DEVIL’S CANDY (March, 2017)
“A struggling painter is possessed by satanic forces after he and his young family move into their dream home in rural Texas.”

Since most painters are struggling, by extension that means they’re all possessed by satanic forces. That, or cadmium yellow.

LEATHERFACE (2017)
“The origin story for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), in which a young nurse is kidnapped by four violent teens who escape from a mental hospital and take her on a road trip from hell. Pursued by an equally deranged lawman out for revenge, one of these teens is destined for tragedy and horrors that will destroy his mind, molding him into the monster we now call Leatherface.”

The seventh sequel for this butt-rubbed-raw franchise (that was supposed to come out 2015). You ever see a cow that’s been over-milked? Looks like leather.

THE TRANSFIGURATION (2017)
“A 14-year-old misfit gets bullied at school and immerses himself in the world of vampires to escape his solitude when he returns home.”

You can tell this kid is already messed up when he delves into the world of vampires instead of preferred Victoria’s Secret™ underwear catalogs. Sorry bloodsuckers; I’m tradin’ you in for a Dream Angels’™ sheer floral lace tunic. I don’t care if it costs $68. I’ll get another job.

WITHOUT NAME (2017)
There’s something bizarre and nightmarish waiting in the woods, and its sights are set on Eric, a land surveyor who’s tasked with assessing the woodland area in question just as his marriage is about to crumble. Stressed out by his fractured home life, Eric is tragically susceptible to the woods’ powerful ability to enter the emotionally wounded man’s mind and wreak both physical and mental havoc on him.”

Hey, Eric — don’t listen to those trees, man; They’re a bunch of Republicans. Bushes, too. (Heh.) And don’t get me started on that smack talkin’ Scotch broom…

Ghosts Riding Shotgun

The young married couple moving into the notorious Winchester House knew the place was haunted, and yet they bellyache a blue streak when demonic ghosts take their 12 year-old daughter into a closet and never comes out. Serves ’em right, the disbelievers.

The house, thought to be plagued by the spirits of all the people who expired after being shot by one of Sarah Winchester’s late husband’s kick ass rifles (it’s how the West was won), was constructed with profits from said gun sales to keep adding more and more rooms to the sprawling mansion to rent out to more ghosts. A run-on sentence, but this is fact. (I totally saw it on the History Channel™.)

A neighbor offers his paranormal detective services. (He even has a business card to prove it.) As a soul brother (no pun intended), he sports a stylin’ medium grade afro. Who wouldn’t want his help? But it’s the butler (?) who leads them to the attic where they see a replayed tragic past event unfold, which gives painfully obvious clues as to the ghost flap.

Haunting of Winchester House (2009)  is full of stuff you could’ve predicted without a degree in ghostology. And the spirit sequences/spooky effects are as old as the 1884 house itself, to say nothing of the wooden acting chops of all involved. (Except ghost Sarah — she’s got some cool polter-chops.)

Leaving the crowded mansion, mom, dad and their freshly-rescued daughter walk outside, only to find… I’ll just say this — it’s a Sixth Sense (1999) moment that, while kinda neat, doesn’t excuse this tedious, barely-a-story ghost story. Better to visit the real Winchester House (in San Jose, CA) and hang out with real ghosts.

Monstrous Minnows

So the government-funded “Razorteeth” project to assist with the Vietnam war was kind of a not-so-much. The plan was to dump a bunch of “super breed” piranha in North Vietnam swimming pools and let nature take its course. (All the had to do was give a bunch of little kids all the Kool-Aid™ they could drink, put ‘em in the waterways and let nature take its course. Problem solved.)

Two horny teens, out looking for a place to get their horn on, happen across a vacated military installation, and find a pool/fish hatchery. Off go the clothes, in go the appetizers. Have you ever seen a hot dog eating contest? The teens are the hot dogs and the genetically-engineered piranha are the contestants.

Later, when not so much as a crumb of the teens can’t be found, an insurance investigator happens across the compound, finds the pools drainage switch, and empties it…right into Lost River Lake, where a filled-to-capacity resort and summer camp waits for their turn on the hot plate. If you’ve seen Jaws (1975), you know it goes from here.

Menu items include summer camp kids, pets, and lakeside resort guests… The plan, though, isn’t to stop the piranha from eating anything that sticks its pink toes and fingers into the water, but rather to keep them from reaching the ocean. (Saved for Piranha II: The Spawning/1981.) That’s the military for you. Cut your losses, think outside the box, look at the big picture.

The piranha are only seen as toothy blurs, driven into voracious hunger frenzy by tasty floaters (think oyster crackers in tomato soup). When you do get to see one up close for a second, it looks like the chest-burster from Alien (1979). Same facial expression, anyway. They’re probably cousins. Elsewhere, some token female nudity, which is pretty much required in order to hold your interest in this one-punchline joke. I liked it, though. The female nudity, not the fish.

Curse of the Unseen Ultimate Evil Ghost

How come Hollywood isn’t paying me to post all this e-barfing about their horror movies? It’s at least worth minimum wage. And would it kill them to throw in a few paid personal days off? Don’t tell me they can’t afford it; I’ve seen movie stars wearing clean clothes all the time, so somebody’s making big cake.

Anyway, five new ones THAT I’M NOT GETTING PAID TO ADVERTISE. Pffft.

THE WAILING (November 25, 2016)
“Out of his depth, local police officer Jong-goo investigates a spate of killings, as well as an outbreak of madness seemingly connected to the recent arrival of a mysterious Japanese man who resides in the outskirts of the village. What’s more, he’s horrified to discover his young daughter may have fallen under the stranger’s curse and must confront the ultimate evil.”

The ultimate evil. Pffft. That line is used in almost every lazily-written horror movie press release. You don’t know what the ultimate evil is until you’ve been in the men’s bathroom at the Maharajah in West Seattle. To say it’s a portal to Hell is being complimentary. The sink faucets should be dispensing holy water.

BEACON POINT 92017)
“Zoe joins a small group of inexperienced hikers for an adventure of a lifetime, exploring the Appalachian Trail. After a gruesome discovery they become lost deep in the mountains. The adventure spins out of control when they’re terrorized at their campsite by an unseen force.”

My gut tells me the “unseen force” is either an invisible bear or that stupid Blair Witch. Pffft – she’s about as scary as a stylishly-camouflaged Bigfoot.

POLTERGEIST ENCOUNTERS (2017)
“A questionable group of paranormal investigators with their own web series receive the offer of a lifetime: stay one night in a potentially haunted house for a large sum of money. What could possibly go wrong?”

Pffft – That scenario’s been used since 1959’s House on Haunted Hill. For an excellent “spend the night in a haunted house” movie (in addition to HoHH), give The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966) some earnest couch time. A modern grindhouse classic.

THE TERRIBLE TWO (2017)
“Albert and Rose Poe approach the first anniversary of the death of their daughters, Addi and Jade. As the day comes and goes, Rose continues to struggle to come to grips with the loss of her only children. She begins hearing the girls’ voices throughout the house. Soon Albert and Rose find themselves prisoners of their precious little girls in the safety of their own home.”

Did they just give away the plot? Thanks for nothing, lazy press release writer. Pffft – it’s probably the ultimate evil masquerading as the little girls.

A CURE FOR WELLNESS (February 17, 2017)
“An ambitious young executive is sent to retrieve his company’s CEO from a mysterious ‘wellness center’ at a remote location in the Swiss Alps. He soon suspects that the spa’s miraculous treatments are not what they seem. When he begins to unravel its terrifying secrets he finds himself diagnosed with the same curious illness that keeps all the guests here longing for the cure.”

Pffft – what secret? Clearly, the miraculous treatment is booze.

P.S. Pffft.