Space Evil, Criminal Curse, Death Hotel

Movie sequels can be awesome (Aliens/1986) or awesomely bad (Wonder Woman 1984/2020). But Movies Go Fourth by author Mark Edlitz (paperback, released May 2023) puts the fourth installments in franchises on the plate, scrutinizing such debatable gems as Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Conquest for the Planet of the Apes (1972), Alien: Resurrection (1997) and Terminator: Salvation (2009). (What — no Fisting Firemen IV?)

Mind you, sequels are continuations of an over-milked story line, where as franchises act as an umbrella for everything in their multiverse. Examples: Marvel has 32 movies with overlapping superheroes stepping on each other’s capes. Batman has 17. Godzilla has 36. And Mickey Mouse has 130. That’s a lotta cheese.

From the book’s press release: “Movies Go Fourth is a celebration of the fourth movies in the most popular film franchises of all time. It offers behind-the-scenes stories of fourth films from such beloved series as Star Wars, Star Trek, and James Bond. It also explores infamous fourth films, including Jaws: The Revenge, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, and Batman & Robin. This riveting book reveals the inside scoop on some of the biggest films in horror (Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street), sci-fi (Highlander, Terminator, Planet of the Apes), action (James Bond, Die Hard, Rambo) and comedy (Police Academy, Home Alone). Author Mark Edlitz also examines notable unmade fourth films, such as Francis Ford Coppola’s The Godfather: Part IV and Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 4.”

While Movies Go Fourth (buy it here) is a tantalizing idea, there are no pictures in the $24.99 paperback. That’s like having a Salisbury steak TV dinner without a side of tongue-scorching potato-esque mush and artificial butter topping. So while you ponder the metaphor, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not taste as oddly delicious as potato mush…

SPACE NECRONOMICON / Out now (Blu-ray, DVD)

“A girl controlled by a mysterious woman and caged between visions, vampires and morbid rituals. What happened in space? Why is she the chosen one?”

As sorta cool as this sounds, it’s an art film. This means too much thinking and not enough drinking. P.S. They stole the kicker line from Alien (1979). Sci-fi never forgets, b*tches!

THE GATES / June 27, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“A serial killer has been sentenced to death by electric chair in London in the 1890s, but in his final hours, he puts a curse on the prison he is in, and all of those in it.”

I liked this better when it was called Shocker (1989).

OBSCURA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A CIA special operations team out on demolition maneuvers collides with an outlaw biker gang. The groups are forced to fight for survival against a creature of unknown origins.”

Not sure how they’re gonna get outlaw bikers to fight. Heck, you can often hear them singing, “Born To Be Mild.”

STREAM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Roy and Elaine Keenan realize their family is drifting apart, they decide that something needs to be done. Roy forces his work to take a back seat and they seize the opportunity to recreate a vacation from their past. A peaceful stay in a quaint hotel is just what they need, however that is not what is in store for them. With four deranged murderers patrolling the seemingly mundane halls, the odds are definitely not in the Keenan family’s favor. Roy must fight for his life and those of his family as their simple weekend getaway truly turns into a vacation to die for.”

If deranged murderers are patrolling the halls, this means the hotel is…my apartment building. Somewhat clean, but the rent is killer.

Puzzling Horror, Egg Aliens, Camera-Ready Zombies

The most puzzling thing about horror movies is how some of them got made. Then again, without punchbowl turds as Frankenstein Island (1981), Bride of Boogedy (1987), or the painfully watchable Urotsukidôji I: Legend of the Overfiend (1989), our lives would not be as fulfilled as promised by alcohol. But what if horror movies were turned into literal puzzles? Gird your bladder — you can now get horror movie puzzles that combines b-grade with brilliance, all for $25.99 (or less).

Created by Rachid Lotf, you can get a 28”x20” 1,000-piece House of Horrors puzzle, a spectacular and colorful collage of featuring Halloween, Jaws, The Thing, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and lots more. Or there’s the Horror Night Watch Party, also 1,000 pieces, featuring Pinhead, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Chucky, Michael Myers and Leatherface, all watching horror movies on a TV as if having some sort of social gathering. And Rachid’s Horror VHS Cemetery puzzle is like a trip down a Blockbuster Video™ memory lane. P.S. there’s even a Blockbuster™ era video puzzle.

While you can buy all of ’em (and more) by clicking this, here are few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem like a puzzle missing a few pieces…

ALIEN INVASION / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A group of friends find a large strange egg that hatches. Unfortunately, the egg contains an intergalactic predator. Now they must stop it from reaching civilization.”

Eggs are a super food, so not seeing the problem here.

TIN & TINA / Out now (Netflix™)

“After a tragic abortion, Lola and her husband Adolfo adopt Tin and Tina, a seemingly angelic brother and sister with an ultra-Catholic education that makes them interpret the Holy Bible verbatim.”

Reading the Bible verbatim should scare the Holy crap outta everyone.

THE DEVIL’S STOMPING GROUND / JUNE 27, 2023 (VOD)

“On May 1, 2021, fifteen college film students traveled to the place in the Uwharrie Mountains of North Carolina, known as The Devil’s Tramping Ground, to shoot their senior short film project. What happened that night was a tragedy. The Devil’s Stomping Ground is a narrative feature, edited together from the footage the seniors were shooting for their movie and the behind-the-scenes documentary footage two juniors were shooting of their efforts. The film chronicles the day and subsequent night of their shoot. It is a cautionary tale about temptation, pushing your luck, and the inevitable consequences of being oblivious to your surroundings. Will they be ‘forever changed’ as the legend suggests?”

The tragedy is they turned this into a movie.

FINAL CUT / July 14, 2023 (VOD)

“Set against the backdrop of a B-movie shoot that is descending into disaster, the director who seems to be the only one invested with the necessary energy to keep the low-budget zombie film afloat. As he tries to gee up jaded technicians and uninterested actors, shooting is disturbed by the arrival of authentic undead.”

This is the French remake of Japanese zombie comedy, One Cut of the Dead. I have no idea why I know that.

Hell Liquor, Animated Titan, Evil Gas

Naga Chilli Vodka™, sporting a demon skull on the label, claims to be the hottest vodka on the planet by its distillers, The Hot Enough Vodka Co.™ They claim its rated at 500,000 Scovilles, the scale used to measure the “heat” of chili peppers, first created by American pharmacist Wilbur Scoville in 1912. (People back then sprinkled gunpowder on their grits, which had a nice kick.) 

To give you a sense of what kind of heat we’re talking about, 500,000 Scovilles puts the vodka in the hell-seeking range of the Red Savina Habanero on a scale that ranges from 350,000 to 750,000. By comparison, the soul-incinerating Ghost Pepper comes in at around 1,000,000 Scovilles. However, GP lost the cremation crown to the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion — which sits warmly at the 1,200,000 mark — and the dreaded Carolina Reaper kicking them all in the ash with a scorched earth 1,500,000+ Scovilles. Any of the these pepper names could easily be a horror movie/horror monster. 

If you can’t stand the heat, here’s a hilarious review of the Naga Chili Vodka™ From Master of Malt™, a booze reviews website: “The Hot Enough Vodka Co.™ have created another monster, summoned from the very bowels of Hell, formed in a vile carboy filled with a horrid mound of Naga Jolokia chillies, steeped in grain vodka. It’s packaged in a handsome, heavy glass bottle with industrial-grade sealing wire and lead security seal (with a skull and crossbones embossed on it). To get to this bottle, you’ll literally have to open it with wire cutters, but we strongly recommend that you don’t. In fact, this unspeakable 500,000 Scovilles vodka is a chilli vodka so horrendous we suggest you don’t even purchase it. Please just shut down your computer and have a nice cup of tea instead. Try to forget what you saw.”

All of that actually makes me wanna try it. So while we all take bar bets on doing shots of this stuff, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/animated series that may or may not be peppery enough for you…

SKULL ISLAND / June 22, 2023 (Netflix™)

“Skull Island takes viewers on a thrilling adventure as a group of kind-hearted explorers rescues Annie from the ocean, unaware that their act of heroism will lead them to the treacherous Skull Island. This enigmatic place is home to bizarre creatures and terrifying monsters, including the mighty titan himself, Kong.”

Been anticipating this one, even though it’s an animated series. Wonder if cartoon gorillas throw their leavings around like the ones at the zoo do. Or would that be…zoo doo? I think I made that joke before. Crap.

NATTY KNOCKS / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“On Halloween Eve, a small-town babysitter and the kids she is looking after struggle to survive a serial killer named Abner Honeywell.”

I liked this better when it was released in 1978.

ALL HALLOWS’ EVE: TRICKSTER / October 2023 (VOD)

“When a lost traveler comes across an isolated rural gas station on Halloween night, she thinks she’s found her way home. Unbeknown to her, the eerie gas station is the residence of a family of degenerate, devilish creatures. As the night descends into a hellish nightmare, the young woman becomes the center of an occult ritual featuring the Devil himself.”

Eerie rural gas stations are the only places you can get unleaded evil.

AMITYVILLE BACKPACK / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

“A rather hapless dude buys a backpack at a garage sale. When people around him turn up dead, he comes to believe his new accessory may be to blame. Tracking its history, he discovers it has connections back to a haunted house in a small town called Amityville.”

A killer backpack. I got a backpack for Christmas one year as a hint to get me away from the TV and get some fresh air and exercise. Alas, it remains in a hall closet, with me preferring to be possessed by the couch.

May The Speed Force Be With You, People Plants, Cutting Out Social Media

The buzz is buzzing about The Flash upcoming movie (June 23, 2023), with the trailers revealing two Flashes, two Batmans, Supergirl, and General Zod, though he died in Man of Steel (2013). Hey, movies can do whatever they want with our minds. And with that comes more character posters, these three new ones being Flash, Supergirl and Batman. (My character poster was cut as I’m not in the film, apparently.)

So here’s the official plot, though it wasn’t that difficult to piece it together after watching the trailers: “Barry Allen uses his super speed to change the past, but his attempt to save his family creates a world without super heroes, forcing him to race for his life in order to save the future.” 

So while we debate whether or not having me in The Flash has any added marquee value, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/film shorts that may or may not give you the…runs. P.S. The Flash stole Metallica’s logo. Just sayin’.

YOUR HOUSEPLANTS ARE SCREAMING / Out now (VOD)

“Human houseplants are held captive by a giant plant creature. Confined to their pots, the houseplants struggle to comprehend the horror of being shelf ornaments in a grotesque hell house made of flesh, meat, muscle and bone.”

Human houseplants. I can only imagine what is being used as fertilizer.

KILLER KITES / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“When Abby’s grandma dies, the only thing she inherits is a stupid kite. After giving it to her brother, he is mysteriously killed and the kite disappears. While searching for the truth, Abby is tangled in a strange supernatural plot, where this killer kite continues to kill. Now, Abby must string together a way to stop the kite before it blows us all away. Kites may not be the scariest monster ever, but they’re up there.”

I heard this was made on a kite string budget.

#CHADGETSTHEAXE / Fall 2023 (VOD)

“Four social media influencers live stream their trip to Devil’s Manor, former home to a satanic cult.”

The only thing worse than social media horror movies is watching ‘em.

THE MOUNT 2 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A year after the incident at the Mount, the police are still investigating the murders of Philomena and Caroline. The Mount has been cordoned off by the police. However, on Halloween night, a group of teenagers break in. They plan on holding a wedding between friends, conducted by a rather odd character. Little did they know some unexpected guests would show up to crash the party.

Don’t look at me like that — I heard there’s an open bar.

Hallowed By Thy Knife, Smart Sex, Pig Candy

Horror and sci-fi movie themed board games are all the rage these days, what with TV becoming increasingly annoying and…yeah, I’m saying it…boring. Never thought I’d utter those word in this lifetime, but there you go. So one of the new horror movie-based board games coming out September 15, 2023 (preorder here), is Halloween, built on the global phenomenon 1978 movie by the same name, whatever that is.

From the Trick or Treat Studios™ website: “It was the night HE came home…and one player must take on the role of Michael Myers! The others will control Laurie and her friends as they scramble to find weapons, the kids, and a way to escape. Their task will be made more difficult because Myers can only be seen when you’re looking right at him!” 

Cool! And for a mere $59.95, you can get in on the action. Speaking of, the Halloween character I’d like to play is Bob, the guy who drinks beer and has unprotected ’70s sex with P.J. Soles before being violated by Michael Myers’ stainless steel mascot. If you’re gonna go out, you might as well score before losing the game.

So while we go back and rewatch Halloween and hit pause during that one scene (you better know this one), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better than a cold beer and a hot knife right after engaging in unprotected sex…

CULT HERO / Out now (VOD)

In a world plagued by narcissistic cult leaders who wield their power and abandon their morals, only one hero can bring justice and restore order – Dale Domazar, otherwise known as the Cult Buster. After failing to bust a death cult before they commit mass suicide, a rough-around-the-edges Domazar finds himself the victim of online vitriol, and soon, his career is canceled. He tries to regain the respect he once had and figure out an angle for a new season of his show, Cult Buster.”

Wonder if Dale would come after me, given that I abandoned my morals decades ago. Heck, I kicked those demons to the curb before I knew what they were. It’s all about taking the low road for this guy.

SAPIOSEXUAL / May 16, 2023 (VOD)

“Three people gather for an ‘uncoupling celebration,’ arranged by the aging narcissist Liam. Both Hannah and Freddie, Liam’s guests as well as victims, have dark ties to his past and plenty of their own secrets. When the power goes out during a thunderstorm the deepest truths are revealed, changing each person’s life forever.”

Never heard the term sapiosexual before so I looked it up on this little thing called the “Internet” (you may have heard of it). Sapiosexuality means that “a person is sexually attracted to highly intelligent people, so much so that they consider it to be the most important trait in a partner.” Guess that counts me out.

MASS HYSTERIA / October 1, 2023 (VOD)

“When a tourist dies on Halloween night in Salem, the crowd seeks justice by mounting a modern day witch hunt.”

This one’s being described as a comedy, though I see nothing funny about tourists.

PEPPERGRASS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During the pandemic, a pregnant restaurateur tries to rob a priceless truffle from a reclusive World War II veteran.”

And judging by the movie’s poster art, there’s a really big pig guarding the truffle, which as we all learned in kindergarten, is the fruiting body of a subterranean ascomycete fungus, predominantly one of the many species of the genus Tuber. Now…where’s my juicy juice box?

Ghost Vacuum Cleaner, Satan Recruit, Haunted Breadsticks

Ghostbusters fans have been making their own version of the Proton Pack machine, a sort of vacuum cleaner that sucks up ghosts for recycling, for decades. The enduring popularity of the Proton Pack even got its popularity boosted through the roof when those lawbreaking kids on Stranger Things were shown their own homemade versions to go with their Ghostbusters Halloween costumes. For those of us without engineering skills can now rejoice — Spirit Halloween™ is selling life-size Proton Packs for a not unreasonable $249.99. (They warn that this item is considered oversized and will require an additional shipping fee. Shipping promos are valid, but oversize charge will still apply. This means they’ll find a way to jack the price to wallet busting levels.)

The Ghostbusters Proton Pack comes with embroidered patches and replicas of the oversized black rubber gloves that look suspiciously like the ones my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman, busts my ghosts with. Other non-invasive details: The life-size replica measures 26” high, 15” wide, and 10” deep. The Proton Pack features lights and sounds, three activation modes (power up, power down, and shoot), detachable particle thrower, and adjustable straps. Wear it during weddings, birthdays and non-denominational holidays, but don’t wear it into a bank, or you’ll end up a ghost yourself.

So while we jump on over to Spirit Halloween™ to order one (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not feel like being violated by an oversized rubber glove…

SATAN WANTS YOU / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Satan Wants You tells the untold story of how the Satanic Panic of the 1980s was ignited by Michelle Remembers, a lurid memoir by psychiatrist Larry Pazder and his patient Michelle Smith. Supported by the Catholic™ church, the best-selling book relied on recovered-memory therapy to uncover Michelle’s childhood abduction by baby-stealing satanists. Amplified by law enforcement and America’s daytime TV boom, satanic rumors spread through panic-stricken communities across the world, leaving a wave of destruction and wrongful convictions in their wake. This film digs deep into the roots of moral panics and cult conspiracies, showing how these events still affect and distort our reality today.”

Satan doesn’t want me. Satan hates me, I just know it.

A HAUNTING IN VENICE / September 15, 2023 (Theaters) 

“Now retired and living in self-imposed exile in the world’s most glamorous city, celebrated sleuth, Hercule Poirot reluctantly attends a séance at a decaying, haunted palazzo. When one of the guests is murdered, the detective is thrust into a sinister world of shadows and secrets.”

I thought a palazzo was an entree at Osteria Francescana™. Wonder if it comes with endless bread sticks like they do at Olive Garden™.

SAW X / October 27, 2023 (Theaters)

“A prequel that focuses on Tobin Bell’s character as Jigsaw.”

Thought they already did that, so this is all so…puzzling. Heh.

TWISTED METAL / Release pending 2023 (Peacock™)

“A motor-mouthed outsider is offered a chance at a better life, but only if he can successfully deliver a mysterious package across a post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

The comedy sci-fi series is based on a 1995 video game of the same name. I never played video games as I was too busy playing happily in my own post-apocalyptic wasteland: dive bars.

Unused Worms, Skulking Skinwalkers, Halloween Miscreants

Tremors is a movie about giant, sightless worm-y creatures called Graboids that live underground and can find and swallow you whole you when they sense you stomping around. (Hear that, lead-footed upstairs neighbor?) It came out in 1990 and spawned six sequels and a 13-episode TV series back in March of 2003. I watched all of them, because that’s what I do.

The poster art for the movie was an homage to Jaws (see below). But legendary master artist Drew Struzan worked up two concepts that were never used. Here are his mock ups — I added the typography from the original poster so you can see how it might’ve looked, with apologies to Sir Struzan for taking such audacious liberties with his art.

You’ve seen Struzan’s work for decades, but probably didn’t know it. He’s done tons of illustrations for movies (Back To The Future, Big Trouble In Little China, Hellboy, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, The Thing, The Goonies, Indiana Jones, the Harry Potter franchise, and more), as well as art for U.S. stamps, The Legends of Hollywood and Alice Cooper’s Welcome To My Nightmare (1975) cover art. So yeah, at the very least he should be given sainthood.

So while we all walk a little more softly so we don’t get consumed by those stinkified Graboid monsters, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong underground surrounded by giant worms…

FOREST OF DEATH / Out now (VOD)

“As friends settle down in their remote cabin for a relaxing weekend, a skinwalker prowls outside, waiting to strike. The friends quickly realize that their carefree getaway has turned into a nightmare. As the night wears on, they must face the horror stalking them and fight for their lives.”

A skinwalker is a harm-intending shapeshifter that can turn itself into an animal and walk (and sometimes dance) on all fours. This can easily be achieved by drinking a case of Steel Reserve™. 

WICKED GAMES / April 18, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“When Harley joins her boyfriend for a Halloween weekend at his family’s estate, they’re invaded by a band of masked freaks and forced into playing a game. But the intruders don’t know that Harley is ready to fight back with her own tricks.”

Lots of people wear masks on Halloween. That’s no reason to call them freaks, you insensitive b-holes.

THE LAST BOY ON EARTH / Release pending 2023/2024

“In a distant future, an enigmatic boy becomes the central figure in the search for a new hope. Who is this kid? Why is everyone looking for it? Sometimes it is better not to know certain answers.”

There are kids in the future? Crap.

INNER CHILD / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“College freshman Cassie deals with the aftermath of cutting ties with her toxic family. Cassie has been battling with a lot of self-doubts with her choices; however, it is this same reoccurring nightmare every morning that keeps her on edge. When this particular nightmare becomes too real, taking over her physically, she reaches out to her therapist, Dr. Reid. Cassie hopes to find some answers and put an end to her night terrors.”

My reoccurring nightmare every morning is having to get up.

Literary Godzilla, DJ Devil, Loud Earworm

Most people would rather watch Godzilla kick the Shittori Choco out of Japan (and other monsters) than read about it. But now, thanks to modern technology, you can do both — at the same time, if you’re a weirdo. University of Minnesota Press is publishing the novelization of Godzilla (1954) and Godzilla Raids Again (1955) as English-translated paperback and e-books for the YA (Young Adult) market. Good luck trying to get kids to read — they’re too busy making stupid TikTok™ dance videos and investing in get-rich-quick cryptocurrency, or “imaginary money.”

From the University of Minnesota Press’ press release: “Shigeru Kayama (1904 – 1975) was a science fiction writer and scenarist whose early stories about monsters and mutated sea creatures attracted the attention of Toho Studios™, who asked him to draft the first two Godzilla films. The film Half Human (1955) by Toho Studios™ was also based on one of his stories, and he contributed to the screenplay for the Toho™ film The Mysterians (1957).”

The books will be available October 3, 2023 on Amazon Prime™ and Amazon Kindle™ from $17.41 and $9.99 respectively. That’s reasonably priced cryptocurrency. Invest in it here.

So while we put down our TVs and pick up a book for the first time in years, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not appeal to young adults…

LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A live broadcast of a late-night talk show in 1977 goes horribly wrong, unleashing evil into the nation’s living rooms. Jack Delroy is the host of a late-night talk show Night Owls. His rating are plummeting, it’s sweeps week and he’s desperate for a boost so he plans a Halloween special with a magician, someone that claims to be possessed, and skeptics. This is not your traditional late-night variety show; It slowly builds until pure chaos and mayhem ensue.”

Unleashing evil, pure chaos and mayhem? I’ve been all up and down the dial and can’t find it. A shiny cookie to anyone who can tell me where to find this radio station. And hurry — these shiny cookies aren’t gonna make it to late night.

INCESSANT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A troubled couple taking time away at a place in the country. Instead of peace, they encounter an audio-altering virus, a parasite that will slowly rip them apart.”

I’ve said it before — the audio-altering virus can be found on every Motörhead song in existence. Visibly shocked I have to keep repeating myself.

DON’T LOOK AWAY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

‘It doesn’t move, it doesn’t think — it just kills. And for a young woman and her friends, a chance encounter with the supernatural entity proves deadly, because once you see it, don’t you dare look away or it comes for you…and keeps coming for you until you’re dead.”

The supernatural entity they’re referring to is your television.

POUNDCAKE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A New York City serial killer is murdering straight white men in unspeakable ways. Podcasters are chiming in with their theories on who the killer is, what his motives are, and how to stop him. Is it all a hoax to garner sympathy for cisgender white men? Some people think so. Others find the murders cathartic, even funny. Are the victims finally getting what they deserve after inflicting centuries of oppression? Can the killer be stopped? New Yorkers must find a way to end the hate and embrace positivity instead. It might be the only way to kill the beast!”

The first time I heard the word “positivity” was in “Spice Up Your Life”, the irresistible 1997 Spice Girls hit song. And now, 26 years later, New Yorkers are asked to embrace positivity to stop a serial killer. I say to them — “Spice up your life and dance all over that serial killer, b*tches!”

SoCal Vampires, Extra-Large Spiders, Trick or Treating Monsters

The Lost Boys remains a horror cult classic horror 36 years after its release in 1987. (Thank you, always dependable pocket calculator.) The plot: “After moving to Santa Carla (aka, Santa Cruz), a new town, two brothers discover that the area is a haven for vampires.” They forgot a few things. The Lost Boys featured heavy metal punk rock vampires, splatter that matters, unlicensed motorcycles, a boardwalk carnival with rotten candy, and a rock and/or roll soundtrack, which featured INXS, Roger Daltry and Echo And The Bunnymen. (What, no Bobby “Boris” Pickett redoing his 1962 hit song “Monster Mash” with freshened beats?)

Now you can visit The Lost Boys filming location in Santa Cruz, CA on September 8, 2023. From event organizer On Set Cinema’s press release: “Who’s ready to sleep all day, party all night, never grow old and never die? On-Set Cinema will be hosting very special blood-sucking screening of one of the most beloved horror cult classics of all time inside Cocoanut Grove, which is located on the infamous Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk where a ton of the movie takes place.”

And there’s more: “On-Set Cinema will take you on a filming locations walking tour to show fans where everything was filmed on the boardwalk, including the National Historic Looff Carousel where we’re first introduced to The Lost Boys; Max’s Video Store, where Michael and Star hangout; where the boys ride their motorcycles on the beach; the iconic Giant Dipper roller coaster, and more!” Tickets for this event cost $25.00 (for the movie’s screening and an event t-shirt) and $60.00, which includes all that walking tour stuff detailed above. Get tickets here.

While we go to vampfangs.com to get some stylin’ party teeth for this shindig, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better by Bobby “Boris” Pickett singing in ‘em…

STING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“One cold, stormy night in New York City, a mysterious object falls from the sky and smashes through the window of a rundown apartment building. It is an egg — and from it emerges a strange little spider. The creature is discovered by Charlotte, a rebellious 12-year-old girl obsessed with comic books. Keeping it as a secret pet, she names it Sting. As Charlotte’s fascination with Sting increases, so does its size. Growing at a monstrous rate, Sting’s appetite for blood becomes insatiable. Neighbors’ pets start to go missing, and then the neighbors themselves. Soon Charlotte’s family and the eccentric characters of the building realize that they are all trapped, hunted by a ravenous supersized arachnid with a taste for human flesh…and Charlotte is the only one who knows how to stop it.”

“Sting” is what you would name a bee or a pretentious British teabag rock star, not an arachnid. For a spider, how about, “Legs A. Plentee” or “Joe Bite’n”? It’s like horror move directors don’t even try anymore.

PERPETRATOR / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Jonny Baptiste is a reckless teen sent to live with her estranged Aunt Hildie. On her 18th birthday, she experiences a radical metamorphosis: a family spell called Forevering redefines her. When several teen girls go missing at her new school, a mythically feral Jonny goes after the Perpetrator.”

The term “Happy Hour” — with roots originating in the 13th Century — has been a Multiverseral tavern/cocktail lounge/7-Eleven™ parking lot reference every since. Time for an upgrade. I vote “Happy Hour” be changed to “The Forevering.” Has way more zing.

THE BARN PART II / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three years have passed since Michelle escaped the events in Wheary Falls. However, she is still haunted by what happened that night on Halloween. Now in college, Michelle is in charge of the Gamma Tau Psi haunted house. Unfortunately, some uninvited trick-or-treating from her past is knocking on the door — and this time they’ve brought their friends.”

Monsters dressed as monsters on Halloween. Is that even legal?

MALUM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A rookie police officer willingly takes the final shift at a newly decommissioned police station. She hopes to uncover the mysterious connection between her father’s death and a vicious cult, but throughout the night she’s thwarted by terrifying supernatural events that connect to her family’s twisted past.”

A note-for-note remake of 2014’s Last Shift, but with more notes added.

Heavy Metal Superhero, Sideshow Slaughter, Poltergeist Motel

In Dark Nights: Death Metal five-year graphic novel story arc, Wonder Woman zooms off to New Apokolips to rescue Superman from the Darkfather’s torture machine. (That guy is so mean.) But while there, the Darkseid-infected Supe grew long hair (not quite to space hippie length) and achieved lightning fast fingers that would please not only Wonder Woman but fans of thrash metal guitar solos as well. Now you can get an actual figurine of this Death Metal Superman, which comes with two faces: “smooth jazz” and “I’ll Kill Youuuuuu!”

From ShiokToys.com website: “Prime 1 Studio is extremely proud and stoked to present yet another head-banging piece, joining our Museum Masterline, the 1:3 Scale Death Metal Superman Deluxe Version from Dark Nights: Death Metal. The Death Metal Superman Deluxe Version comes with two (2) additional heads bearing different expressions as well as two (2) display headstands so that you can choose to display your Death Metal Superman with the most metal look possible, whether you want him with an angry look or a stern look, screaming or teeth clenching, this Deluxe Version has got you covered!”

Death Metal Superman’s expected release date is the second quarter of 2024, but you can pre-order it here. That’s the good news. The price, set in Malaysian currency, is MYR7,646.00. The conversion to US smackos brings it to…$1,764.80! That’ll put your wallet in a torture machine. 

So while we see if Bruce Wayne will spot us the fun coupons to get one these things, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not have death metal OR space hippies in ’em…

THE UNHEARD / March 31, 2023 (Shudder™)

“After undergoing an experimental procedure to restore her damaged hearing, 20-year-old Chloe Grayden begins to suffer from auditory hallucinations seemingly related to the mysterious disappearance of her mother.”

Her damaged hearing can be blamed on listening to Motörhead. Her auditory hallucinations can also be blamed on…you guessed it — Motörhead.

WHERE THE DEVIL ROAMS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Set during Depression-era America, the film follows a family of murderous sideshow performers as they travel the dying carnival circuit.”

The reason the carnival circuit is dying is because of the murderous sideshow performers. Just pointing out the obvious, here.

DADDY’S HEAD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A boy and his recently widowed step mother find themselves in fear for their lives after they are visited by a disturbing creature that appears as a grotesque and horrifying version of the boy’s recently deceased father.”

If that happened to me, mom would need to buy me new pajamas.

BOOGEYMAN: REINCARNATION / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“It’s Halloween. Jenny is babysitting a little boy at the hotel where the boy’s parents are staying. A group of friends decide to take advantage of the situation and see the opportunity to celebrate a party at the hotel. Jenny agrees. But then they are terrorized by a ghost.”

Ghosts on a budget usually terrorize motels. Ghosts with disposable income always go for hotels. That’s how you can tell ghosts from each other. That’s the way I do it, anyway.