Board With Friday the 13th, Marvelous Captains, Ginger Cannibal

In an homage to Friday the 13th (the iconic slasher horror movie that came out in 1980 and spawned 11 sequels, reboots, regurgitations), Antonio Ferrara and Sebastiano Fiorillo have created Last Friday, a board game that harkens back to F13’s enduring summer camp body count. And thanks to copyright obstacles, the game takes place at Camp Apache (standing in for Camp Crystal Lake), which is stalked by a mysterious killer referred to as the Maniac, suiting up for Jason Voorhees. Fortunately for the game developers, a hockey mask and machete can’t be copyrighted. 

Available through Ares Games™, Last Friday goes a little something like this: “Last Friday is a board game for 2-6 players wherein one player is the Maniac, hunting down (and sometimes fleeing from) the other players in a series of one-versus-all scenarios.”

Ooh, there’s more: “The game is divided into four chapters, each taking approximately 30 to 45 minutes to play. But players won’t just be retreading the same scenario four times. Each chapter presents a shift in the objective and even the roles of the hunter and the hunted, creating a cinematic trajectory appropriate to the game’s celluloid inspiration.” Glad they addressed that since Friday The 13th’s premise is classically repetitive beyond the point of parody (see “one billion F13 knockoffs.”) 

So while we get the game ($45.60 on Amazon™) and hope it isn’t a one-punch line premise, here are a few out now/upcoming horror sci-fi-fantasy adventure movies that may or may not have been edited with a non-copyright machete…

JANUARY / Out now (VOD)

“Who in their right minds goes into the woods in winter? Who knows what beasts roam in the snow? Two men and a bird, trapped in a snowstorm in the middle of nowhere, try to solve a mystery while it slowly devours them.”

This one’s in black and white and subtitled. I suck at multi-tasking, so it’s gotta be one or the other. (Because of that, I barely made it through the trailer.)

SHAZAM: FURY OF THE GODS / March 17, 2023 (Theaters)

“Billy Batson and his foster siblings, who transform into superheroes by saying ‘Shazam!’, are forced to get back into action and fight the Daughters of Atlas. They must stop them from using a weapon that could destroy the world.”

In 1941, The Adventures of Captain Marvel debuted as a 12-chapter movie serial. Billy Batson changed into Captain Marvel by invoking the timeless bar belch, “Shazam!”, the name of the ancient wizard that gave Billy the power to power up. In the 2019 movie Shazam!, they refer to him as Shazam and not Captain Marvel. Then, to mess with our minds, Captain Marvel — also released in 2019) came out, but this time the superhero is a gal who is constantly plugged in and doesn’t need to express a password to suit up. Yeah, not at all confusing.

THE MARVELS / November 10, 2023 (Theaters)

“Following the events of Ms. Marvel (2022), Carol Danvers and Monica Rambeau (Captain Marvel/2019) and Kamala Khan begin swapping places with each other every time they use their powers and must team-up to figure out why.”

So three female Captain Marvels. They should’ve called this movie, Shezam!

REDHEAD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Cannibalism and depravity drive Autumn Blacksmith, now widowed, to engage in a relentless revenge binge. Will a possessing force drive her to kill every man around her?”

Wonder what took down her husband? Gonna go out on a limb here and say it was cannibalism with a dash of depravity.

Vampire Bridgework, Death Cloud, Zombie Block Party

“Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you,” goes the saying. And nowhere is that more true than with vampires and werewolves. Their trademark chompers are the tools of their trade, so it makes sense to keep them well-maintained. A bit easier to do for walruses, though — with their teeth outside their mouth, it makes brushing ’em way easier.

But if you’re not a vampire, werewolf or walrus, go to VampFangs.com and pick up a set of snap-on snappers that never need brushing or flossing. Unless you bite into a gristly neck/buttsteak. No tooth doctor needed as these things are easily attached and come in a wide range of carnassials to accommodate your particular death grin. VampFang offers everything from classic vampire to professional werewolf, as well as retractable, chrome metallic and glow in the dark versions. (Not recommended for the creature of the night trying to be stealthy.) And these monster molars are totally affordable, ranging in price from $17.99 to $39.99.

While we cancel our dentist appointment and get some of these deadly dentures, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not bite… 

CANNIBAL COMEDIAN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A psychopathic cannibal, fed up with his lack of ambition, tries his hand at stand-up comedy in an attempt to satisfy his appetite for normalcy.”

Fed up. Interesting choice of words. So where would a cannibal comedian perform? A logical guess would be a dinner club. Heh.

ALIEN STORM / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Frank McConnelly is a loving father and husband, a brilliant business man, and a secret doomsday prepper. To celebrate taking his company public, Frank is putting on the party of the year in his Las Vegas mansion. During the party The President of the United States gives an address warning people to stay inside due to a strange weather pattern that is cutting off communications with major cities across the globe. Suddenly the power goes out as a massive fog bank moves in. In the ensuing chaos Frank escorts people down to safety of his bunker. Everyone is surprised to see the bunker is actually an underground house complete with a yard and a pool. But, In the thick fog something is stirring. Something that hungers. Will the bunker protect them or will they be the next meal?”

I have an underground pool, too. It’s called a leaky basement. FYI: No diving board OR lifeguard on duty. Also, the water is brown. Think of it as swimming in chocolate milk.

CORA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Cora is working for an organization trying to reverse the effects of the apocalypse after a deadly mist has covered Earth, effectively wiping out most of humanity.”

Back in my roommate days, we called this deadly mist a “sh*t fog,” wherein one rent-splitter goes in the bathroom after a Jalisco’s Mexican Fiesta Platter™ meal to do a bit of “recycling.” At that point said person turns on the shower to get the bathroom fog-thick steamy. Then said person opens the bathroom door and all the permeated steam spreads throughout the dwelling, sticking to the curtains, rug, bedding, clothing and nostrils. Goodbye humanity. And goodbye roommate.

STATE OF DESOLATION release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a viral outbreak turns into a full-scale zombie pandemic, two mismatched survivors — Freddie, a war-weary retired special forces operative and Claire Davis, a young pampered suburbanite — begin a long trek to reach the perimeter of the hundred mile quarantine zone that used to be Los Angeles. Along the way the two very different people form a powerful bond, which will be put to the test as they try to survive marauding cannibals, doomsday cults, and hordes of the undead.”

Zombies…cannibals…doomsday cults. Sounds like a block party, or as we call it in my neighborhood, casual Friday.

Gore-geous Plaything, Zombie Therapist, Evil Goats

Elvira, the legendary Mistress of the Dark, is a living doll. Now, thank to Mattel™, she’s a plastic one, too. As part of Mattel’s™ Monster High collection, which includes The Shining, Stephen King’s IT, Beetlejuice, and Gremlins 2, the Elvira Skullector Doll releases on January 13, 2023 and sells for a mere $65.00. You should drop everything (unless you’re holding a glass bowl full of beer and/or cereal) and buy it here. 

From Mattel’s™ website: “The Mistress of the Dark wears a ghoulishly glam gown with a peekaboo slit and screamium details like spooky spider stilettos, her signature dagger, and Great-Aunt Morgana’s magic ruby ring. Additional highlights include her iconic pitch black, stylized hair, while her eyes mesmerize with delicate spider-webbing in her irises. Dramatic makeup, a beauty mark and black painted nails add drop-dead gore-geous detail to her killer look. Comes included with displayable packaging and a black Monster High™ doll stand.”

While we inquire as to whether the Elvira Skullector Doll comes in adult size — and possible inflatable — here are a few out now/up and coming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as exhilarating as Elvira’s trademark(s)…

THE ZOMPOCALYPSE THERAPY SESSIONS / Out now (VOD)

“An anxious therapist and her awkward clients wrestle to overcome personal issues and zombies.”

A better premise would be zombies who seek professional therapy for self-esteem issues, like why do people keep trying to shoot me in the head and/or running away screaming? Embarking on a journey of personal improvement with all that negativity in your un-life is a challenge no one should ever have to face. 

CANNIBAL CABIN Out now (VOD)

“A group of 20 somethings want to end the summer on a high, they take the advice from a girl they met at a festival about a secret rave deep in the valleys. When their route is detoured they have no choice but to venture into the unknown. Once they come across a derelict aqua park, they soon realize what they thought was their salvation turns out to be the heart of the Cannibal’s lair.”

The problem with consuming 20 somethings is that while they look appetizing, they taste bland. Kinda like eating the cheese-stained box a pizza comes in. 

KILL HER GOATS / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

Audra’s graduation gift is her dream house, but it soon becomes a living nightmare when some uninvited guests come to her homecoming party who aren’t very subtle about the fact they don’t approve of the home’s new owner.”

Audra got a dream house AND goats for a graduation gift? All I got was a one-way bus ticket to another state.

WALPURGIS NIGHT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A wealthy couple, Imre and Justine, are visiting the deep forests of Romania and find themselves at the mercy of Waldemar Daninsky, a werewolf. Waldemar and Justine must travel to London to seek the help from Dr. Jekyll’s grandson.”

I wouldn’t trust any advice from Dr. Jekyll’s grandkid — I hear he’s as two-faced as his grandfather.

Star Warfare, Multiverse Monsters, Funeral Fun

If you’re partial to UFOs, Frankenstein, Samurai and vaudeville phantoms, then you need to visit ThirteenthFloor.us and immerse yourselfie in the fantastical art of Billy Ludwig, an ingenious artist dealing in mixed media, which is the artistic version of mixed martial arts. Kinda. 

Ludwig’s take on flying saucers and pop culture icons is kitschy fun. But where his talent goes next level is by juxtaposing vintage images of WWII and Star Wars: At-At Walkers, X-Wings and TIE Fighters engaging with Spitfires, battleships, bazookas, ground troops and more. As if that wasn’t cool enough, these art pieces are in black and white (one, even, being vintage colorized), lending a tangible sense of realism to make you believe this is how the war REALLY went down. Did for me, anyway.

The art is printed on high quality 12 pt. gloss card stock and sell for an average of $15. You couldn’t buy a glass of refreshing Yatooni Boska at the Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine with twice those New Republic credits. There’s also books and shirts emblazoned with Ludwig’s innovative designs.

So whether you wave your flag for the US Armed Forces and the Rebel Alliance or side with the Republican-led Empire, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as a cup of the Cantina’s house special: Blue Milk, which, of course, comes from female banthas. Try not to think about it…

WAKING KARMA / Out now (VOD)

“When high school senior Karma’s estranged cult leader father traps her and her mother in a remote forest compound, she must survive a series of psychological trials meant to prepare her for a strange and deadly reincarnation ritual.”

And if she gets older, Karma will look back on her high school days as the best time of her life.

2025 ARMAGEDDON / December 23, 2022 (VOD)

“A militant alien race launches an attack on Earth using gigantic creatures and geological disasters all based on those found on The Asylum’s Movie Channel signal, which reached their planet.”

Finally — the film studio known for bold-face plagiarism of successful genre movies, have finally gone all in — they’re ripping off themselves. 

SCREAMS FROM THE SWAMP / December 27, 2022 (VOD)

“When Angela’s husband and son die in hospital after a car crash, she takes it upon herself to seek justice against the doctor who operated on the pair. Desperation and obsession lead Angela into a paranoid state, dissociating her from reality. She follows the doctor day after day: behind the anonymous facade, the man hides a parallel life of depravity and murders committed together with his colleagues. Discovering these new horrors, Angela turns to dark otherworldly forces to find the strength to eliminate the killers. This decision leads her into a spiral of violence and hallucinations, where pleasure and fear intermingle but ultimately there is a high price to pay.”

Desperation, paranoia, disassociation with reality, hallucinations… You just met a Tug Tavern regular.

PLAY DEAD / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“Criminology student Chloe fakes her own death to break into a morgue in order to retrieve a piece of evidence that ties her younger brother to a crime gone wrong. Once inside she quickly learns that the fearsome coroner uses the morgue as a front for a sick and twisted business. As a frightening game of cat and mouse ensues, Isabel discovers that the scariest thing about the morgue is not the dead, but the living.”

And just what sick and twisted business would the coroner use the morgue for? A cannibal pop-up? Embalming stand? Necrophiliac kissing booth? Regardless of these guaranteed money-making ideas, you gotta appreciate his entrepreneurial spirit. 

Scary Real Estate, Revenge Trees, Honey Horror

Pant-wetting fans of Stranger Things have a chance to own one of the rarest pieces of memorabilia from the massively popular horror series: the actual house the beleaguered Byers family lived in while their zip code was being plagued by a stinky Demogorgon from the Upside-Down. Feel free to wet your pants now.

For mere bus change, the Byers house at 149 Coastline Rd, Fayetteville, GA, lists on Zillow™ for $300,000. As you already know, it has two bedrooms, 1 bath and is 1,846 sqft. This includes the six Demogorgon-infested acres the house sits on. Affordable, but here’s hoping you don’t get…upside down…on the mortgage payments. Heh.

Even though the place could use some upgrades, like a pool that Barbara Holland could go swimming in (okay, THAT was funny), it’s a “Byers market” (I’m on a roll), and it can be yours by clicking HERE.

While you’re getting pre-approved for a home loan, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worth $300,000…

HAUNTED TRAIL / September 27, 2022 (VOD)

“A group of college friends visit a local haunted trail. After many screams and a few nervous laughs, an actual killer approaches the group. Scared out of their minds, the friends run through the trail, trying their best to get to the end without being killed. After much of the group is slaughtered, the remaining friends make a horrific discovery about who the killer really is.”

Generic college kids. Generic masked slasher. Generic extra-large knife. (Made, ironically, for slicing bologna/baloney). I think they downloaded the script from cookiecutter.com.

FEED ME / October 27, 2022 (VOD)

“Following the death of his wife, a broken man spirals into an abyss of night tremors and depression and finds himself in the home of a deranged cannibal who convinces him to take his own life in the most horrific way imaginable.”

Wonder what taking his life in the most horrific way imaginable means? Given the movie’s title, it can only be one thing — he has to eat kale.

THE KILLING TREE / November 1, 2022 (VOD / DVD)

“On Christmas Eve, a scorned widow casts an ancient spell to resurrect her executed husband. However, when the spell goes wrong, the husband is brought back as an evil Christmas tree. Hell-bent on getting revenge on the one who caused his execution, the body count keeps rising as the Tree hunts her down.”

Resurrected as a Christmas tree. That’s a new one. A snowman or Elf on a Shelf, sure. But this one suggests they don’t care about winning an Academy Award™. (It’s like they’re not even trying.) But hey, at least he’ll come back with ornamental balls. Ahem.

WINNIE-THE-POOH: BLOOD AND HONEY / Pending release 2022

“During his childhood, Christopher Robin befriended Winnie-the-Pooh, Piglet, and their friends, playing games and also providing them with food. As he got older, his visits grew more infrequent, as did the food supply, causing Pooh and the others to grow increasingly hungry and desperate.

When Christopher went to college, the visits stopped completely, causing Pooh and Piglet to become completely feral and unhinged, resulting in Eeyore and the others getting killed and eaten at some point. Now, Christopher has returned to the forest alongside his new wife, hoping to introduce her to his old friends. Feeling betrayed, this results in them going on a murderous rampage for human flesh as they antagonize a group of university girls who are occupying a rural cabin.”

Beloved childhood characters are now the new hot properties for horror filmmakers/directors bereft of ideas. Example: The Banana Splits Movie (2019), turning the previously lovable Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper and Snorky into axe murdering murderers.

Before you pooh-pooh this idea, hear me out: Saturday morning kids show icon H.R. Pufnstuff (given his last name, maybe the “HR” stands for “Huge Refer”) could be revamped as a drug dealer, selling jazz cabbage and turning his cult followers into day-glo colored hippie zombies. Note to Hollywood — I’ll be pitching a comprehensive one-page script as soon as I finish watching Heckle and Jeckle: A Murder of Crows.

Expensive Clowns, Teenage Witches, Lady Cannibals

Got a spare $499 laying around and aren’t donating to my “Get Drunk Quick” fund? Then you might wanna buy one the three nightmare-inducing Pennywise busts from Prime 1 Studio. You need this to complete your life.

Available for pre-order and releasing later this year (2019, in case it slipped your mind) or early next year (back to the future), you can get ‘em individually or in a set of three for $1,399. Besides being excruciatingly detailed, these things stand 16” tall and include display bases. That’s important for some reason.

While I quit drinking for a few days to raise the funds needed to purchase said Objets d’art, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not get you to quit drinking…

THE CHILLING ADVENTURES OF SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH (Season 2/April 5, 2019)
“This adaptation of the Sabrina the Teenage Witch tale is a dark coming-of-age story that traffics in horror and the occult. In the reimagined origin story, Sabrina Spellman wrestles to reconcile her dual nature — half-witch, half-mortal — while standing against the evil forces that threaten her, her family (aunts Hilda and Zelda), and the daylight world humans inhabit.

Season one was surprisingly watchable, even though it’s teen-centric. Lots of demons, creatures, ghosts, blood gunk, and the invoking of Satan every five minutes. I’m all in for season 2.

DANIEL ISN’T REAL (2019/pending distribution)
“Luke, a troubled college freshman, suffers a violent family trauma and resurrects his childhood imaginary friend Daniel to help him cope.”

My childhood imaginary friend is Bud. Bud Weiser. That guy is always getting me into trouble.

Z (2019/2020)
“When Beth and Kevin’s eight-year-old son Joshua develops an imaginary friend named Z, they think it’s cute. But they soon realize just how wrong they are. Z becomes a terrible influence on Josh and their innocent son turns into someone they barely recognize. It’s only when Beth starts uncovering her own past, that she learns that Josh’s new friend Z, may not be so imaginary, after all.”

This sounds a bit on the “been there, done that” side. Maybe they should title it, Zzzzzzz.

SHE NEVER DIED (2019/2020)
“Lacey, an immortal cannibal, saves a woman from dying a grisly death on a dark web channel and hunts down the culprits.”

The sequel to He Never Died (2015). Only saw part of that one. Not sure why I didn’t watch the whole thing. This one has an immortal cannibal lady in it, so I’ll probably watch all of this one.

Halloween Parties, Mutant Frogs, Ghost Cannibals

This is kinda neato cool — A Halloween soundtrack listening party in records stores across the U.S. (or “United States”), running from October 19, 2018 (the album’s release date) through October 21, 2018. And hey, a few of the stores will be handing out free goodie bags and vinyl giveaways. This is good, because I’d hate to come back later and egg their otherwise clean storefronts.

A select section from the press release: “John Carpenter composed the score with Cody Carpenter and Daniel Davies. The new soundtrack pays homage to the classic Halloween score that Carpenter composed and recorded in 1978.” Hope this one is embellished with stabby noises and babysitter screams.

After you click HERE to see if you’re anywhere near one of the select record stores. (Mine’s Sonic Boom, which is about a $25 Lyft™ ride to get to. Not sure how much to come back.) And when you’re done looking in the mirror to see how sad you are when you discover these parties aren’t anywhere near you, brighten your flushed day with these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna jiggle the handle…

CHANNEL ZERO: THE DREAM DOOR (October 26, 2018/SyFy™ Channel)
“Newlyweds Jillian and Tom have brought their own secrets into their marriage. After a strange door is discovered in their basement, those secrets they kept from each other will threaten their relationship — and their lives.”

Hope this installment is better than the last two. But hey, any excuse to plank on the couch. It’s said this one is based on the creepypasta short story Hidden Door by Charlotte Bywater. I don’t eat pasta; too creepy.

STRANGE NATURE (2018)
“By moving in with her estranged hermit father in the backwoods of a small town, Kim and son Brody find themselves in the middle of a horrendous phenomenon where deadly offspring mutations spread from animals to humans.”

This one features mutant frogs. I’m hopping up and down with glee, though frogs kinda already look like mutants. I hate it when you get in a staring contest with one, and just when you think you’re gonna win, the darn thing makes its eyes bulge hard and goons you out. Man, I hate that.

I STILL SEE YOU (2018)
“Nine years after an apocalyptic event that killed millions, left the world is left inhabited by ghosts.”

Better ghosts than zombies. Ghosts won’t eat your face, whereas zombies would start chowing down without even stopping to remove the skin wrapper first. Still, with all those ghosts left hanging around, so much for getting in a little private time in the all-purpose bathroom. let’s just hope that ghosts are unable to post on Instagram™. Embarrassing doesn’t even begin to cover it.

THE DARK (October 22, 2018/UK)
“An undead young woman, Mina, stalks the ‘Devil’s Den’ woods where she was killed. If anyone enters the woods, she kills them and feasts on the body. But when she stumbles upon a young blind boy named Alex in the back of a car who shows signs of horrifying abuse, she can’t bring herself to kill him. As police and locals close in, searching for Alex, Mina’s growing relationship with him changes her in ways she never thought possible.”

So she’s an undead cannibal and wants to be a nanny? Wonder if she charges by the hour? Hope she doesn’t eat your neck off if you don’t tip her.

Descent Into Double Hell

The Descent: Part 2 (2009), picks up where The Descent (2005) left off, with Sarah Carter, the lone survivor of the women-only subterranean shopping trip/cannibal fest, is in the hospital, unable to recall the horrific events that left her friends eaten alive by sightless cave creatures.

Meanwhile, a police search party, led by professional underground explorers with cool flashlights and glow sticks, is under way. The sheriff, though, finds out the blood Sarah was covered with didn’t leak out of any of her primary orifices, but rather one of the friends whose bodies they can’t seem to find. Because she was only banged up by the Crawlers, Sarah is deemed cave-worthy, and is forced BY LAW to return to the vast Appalachian underground cave system to look for survivors. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

A creaky elevator in an abandoned mine shaft takes the sheriff and his female cop, three pro-cave climbers and Sarah into the pits of Purgatory. It’s not long before they find the rat-chewed body of one of the women. This freaks out Sarah and her memory comes rushing back. Time to get the hell outta Hell. She takes off, leaving the others to fend for themselves. And all the while that eerie clicking noise made by the Crawlers is getting closer.

The creature attacks are well-staged, with those blind, hairless, naked and hungry flesh-eaters (i.e., Goth fans) coming out of nowhere. The trick is to not make any noise as the beasts track by sound. Hard to do that when your neck croissant is bitten and your blood spraying like a shower nozzle. A gun shot triggers a cave-in, and all are separated. For the Crawlers this is good news as their meals are better when served ala carte.

What makes Descent 2 decent (heh) is the added twists. It could’ve been a cookie-cutter slaughterfest and you’d be suitably gleeful. But they took it to the next level with “you didn’t see it coming” swerves. Suffice to say, there are killer (ahem) gory/goon-out moments, and one particularly nasty scene, which finds Sarah and the lady cop in a pool of fetid water. Turns out it wasn’t a pool after all, but an outhouse. Or would that be an in-house since it’s essentially indoors? I must ponder that over a bowl of black lumpy oatmeal.

One more clever twist sets up the escape sequence, which leaves the cave wide open for another sequel. Watch The Descent: Part 2 — it’ll scare the hole outta you. 

A Family of Teeth and Fur

In the painfully low-budget Blood (1973), a highly impatient Dr. Lawrence and Regina Orlovsky, a pseudo aristocratic couple, travel by some sort of boat from 1899 Europe to 1899 America in order for Lawrence to continue his doctor-esque research. Assisting is Carrie and Orlando, a married couple. Orlando doesn’t have legs (“accident”) and Carrie, whose right leg is infected by something…icky. She doesn’t have long to do the two-step. Also on board is the cadaverous and mute Carlotta, whose being used as food for Regina.

Turns out Lawrence is the son of Lawrence Talbot, the Wolf Man. And Regina is the daughter of Count Dracula. And they’re in America to check on his inheritance (which is running out), and to cultivate carnivorous plants that produce a serum that Larry injects into Regina every time she starts to melt from being out in the sunlight. Doesn’t help that Regina is constantly melting, whining and complaining, and is pretty much a spoiled vampire.

Going by the name of Lawrence Orlovsky, he shows up his attorney’s office, demanding a look-see at the books. Turns out the “lawyer” has been embezzling from the inheritance and funneling the cash into shell companies that go bankrupt, but pay off directly to his own pocket. Warning: do NOT try and steal from a guy who could bite your face off and crap it out on the neighbor’s lawn.

The very cute and single Prudence Towers works as the lawyer’s assistant and spills the books to Lawrence during a graveyard visit to pay respects to his wolfy dad. (And no, the headstone was not shaped like a fire hydrant.) Even though he’s married, he uses his animal charms to lock lips with Prudence amongst the romantic graveyard. Their clinch is busted by Petra, an old non-hygienic woman with rotted teeth, who is the cemetery attendant. She knows Larry’s dad’s secret. And she knows his secret as well, using it to blackmail money and/or jewels from the Orlovskys, which she’ll hopefully use to buy toothpaste.

The man-eating plants are growing out of control. Carrie’s leg needs to be chopped off. Regina cuts off the hand of Petra, who showed up demanding extortion funds. Prudence is sucked dry after a jealous Regina finds out about the mortuary make-out session in the dead zone. Lawrence can’t take the pressure and wolfs up, demanding they all abandon ship and head back to Europe, setting fire to everything to cover their tracks. This does not work for Regina and she gets her fang on to do battle with her leg-lifting husband with flame-y flames heating things up.

An odd yet oddly intriguing movie, Blood feels like a thrown-together mess, but the ending is one of those moments of genius that only makes sense once you sit through the entire thing. P.S. Don’t go near the cannibal plants — just ask Orlando and Carrie’s legs.

Nutritious Horror, Fine Young Cannibals, Master of Puppets

Funko™ is known for its Pops™, which makes everything from Star Wars to Edward Scissorhands into annoyingly cute and collectible action figures. Now they’re turning horror icons into breakfast foodage. I’d rather eat Funko Pops™ than collect ‘em. My morning hunger cares not for reselling on eBay™.

This is what Funko Pop™ founder Mike Becker had to say about his company’s line of cereal: “One of the fun things is we are about to release our own line of cereal, with a mini-Pop inside. We got all the cool licenses like He-Man, Wonder Woman, Elvira Mistress of the Dark, Freddy Krueger and our own Freddy Funko. We start shipping to stores in June and we have the distribution set up and the product is pre-sold.”

Becker goes on to say that there are prizes in each $7.99 box of cereal and that when you add milk to the Freddy Krueger cereal, it looks blood red. “With the Beetlejuice cereal,” he adds, “when you add milk, it looks like slime.” I’ll assume the Elvira cereal makes its own milk. Ahem.

That said, I have GOT to have bloody and slimy milk for breakfast. Although, I’m wondering if anybody sees the irony in the fact that Freddy Krueger was a movie child molester/killer and is now being used to market enamel-eroding sugary cereal that would appeal to kids as well as adults?

While we ponder the moral ramifications of our breakfast choices, here are a few upcoming horror, sci-fi and fantasy movies to choke on…

THE HOUSE WITH A CLOCK IN ITS WALLS (September 21, 2018)
“10 year-old Lewis goes to live with his uncle in a creaky old house with a mysterious tick-tocking heart. But his new town’s sleepy facade jolts to life with a secret world of warlocks and witches when Lewis accidentally awakens the dead.”

I’d rather have warlocks and witches live in my walls than a noisy ticking clock. Those things can drive you bat-sh*t crazy with their non-stop drip-drip-drip and… Oops, sorry — I meant my leaky bathtub faucet. Clocks are okay. Hey, even the freshly woken dead need to know what time it is.

THE YOUNG CANNIBALS (2018)
“Seven friends summon a monster when they are tricked into eating burgers made of human flesh.”

Wait a second — I thought all hamburgers were made of human flesh. You mean to tell me I’ve been eating cow flesh all these years instead? I’m gonna throw up.

EL HABITANTE (2018)
When three sisters decide to break into a corrupt senator’s house to stuff their pockets. But prying it open isn’t as simple as they thought it would be. They have to drag the senator and his wife out of their bed and scare them into spilling the beans. But there are these strange noises coming from the cellar. When the girls go down to investigate, they discover not a squeaking boiler, but their victims’ paraplegic daughter. She’s tied up and looks to have been tortured. Their parents express no sign of guilt or remorse but only pure fear. They cry: ‘Whatever you do, don’t untie her!’.

Why does that sound like something my parents would say when I was growing up?

PUPPETMASTER: THE LITTLEST REICH (2018/2019)
“A recently divorced young man discovers a mint condition Blade doll in his deceased brother’s closet and plans to sell the toy at a convention in Oregon celebrating the 30th anniversary of the infamous Toulon Murders. All hell breaks loose at the Postville Lodge during the auction when a strange force animates all of the various puppets throughout the convention as they go on a bloody killing spree.”

This is one of those “are you serious?” movie franchises. Watching carved puppets go on bloody killing sprees lost its appeal right after Puppet Master II: His Unholy Creation (1990) — the first Puppet Master (1989) sequel — came out in 1990. And with the release of this 12th sequel (!), you only have yourselves to blame.