Archive for cannibal

Confederate Cannibals

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams

2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010) is a remake of the 1964 splatter classic, Two Thousand Maniacs! and sequel to 2001 Maniacs (2005), in which tourists/travelers are re-routed to the small town of Pleasant Valley, where they are tortured, sliced, diced and put on ice by the locals paying tribute 2001 Confederate rebel-rousers who were slaughtered 150 years ago during the aptly-named Civil War.

2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams

Business hasn’t been good for Pleasant Valley as of late, so they take their Guts ’n Glory Jamboree on the road. Just a lucky break to run into a bus load of ingratiating douche bags filming the reality series, Road Rascals. If there was anyone who deserved to pointy end of a meat cleaver, it’s these annoying a**wipes.

2001 Maniacs: Filed of Screams

The gore is disappointing at best, given its heritage; I’ve seen more blood at hockey matches. The cannibal scene leaves you wanting seconds and the kid who gets impaled on an iron pole, still manages to get up and walk around. Yeah, this is supposed to be a horror comedy, and while there are a few funny bits (sex with sheep — a knee slapper every time), the dialogue, more painful than the deaths themselves.

2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams

Lots of boobies and faux sex scenes, one of which is an old granny being ridden like a hobby horse. To that I say ick. Horror icon Bill Moseley as Pleasant Valley’s Mayor Buckman, is in fine hammy form, though his Southern accent sounds a bit too Northern. If you’re looking for blood, there’s a splatter here, a splatter there. If you’re looking for hard-core gore, you’ll have to go back to 1964 to find it.

Cartoon Vampires, Kid-Eating Clowns, End of the World

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Savageland

Amazing — NASA announced they’ve discovered seven new Earth-like exoplanets. This is incredible news — now I have somewhere to go to wait out the next four years.

Speaking of waiting, here’s some upcoming horror movies that NASA hasn’t discovered yet…

SAVAGELAND (February, 2017)
“Illegal immigration wrapped around the mysterious mass murder and disappearance of 57 people. The disappearances took place in the off-the-grid border town of Sangre de Cristo, Arizona, just a few miles north of Mexico. The police arrest Francisco Salazar, the lone survivor. He is found covered with the blood of a number of his fellow residents.”

Sounds like this movie was funded by Republicans.

Here Alone

HERE ALONE (March 31, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“A young woman struggles to survive on her own in the wake of a mysterious epidemic that has decimated society and forced her deep into the unforgiving wilderness.”

If I was the lone survivor of an epidemic that wiped out all of humanity, screw going into the woods; I’d just go deep into an unforgiving bar and hang out with my friend Bud(weiser). He’s pretty quiet, but speaks volumes.

Castlevania

CASTLEVANIA (2017/Netflix)
“Inspired by the classic video game series, Castlevania is a dark medieval fantasy following the last surviving member of the disgraced Belmont clan, trying to save Eastern Europe from extinction at the hand of Vlad Dracula Tepes himself.”

This is an animated TV series, so all of the calories, none of the fun. Saving grace — Castlevania is being made by Frederator Studios, whose numerous credits include Adventure Time and SuperF*ckers.

Crepitus

CREPITUS (2017/2018)
“Seventeen year old Elizabeth and her younger sister, Sam, are thrust into circumstances more terrifying than life with their abusive, drunken mother when they are forced to move into their deceased grandfather’s house. Frightened beyond belief, they learn horrible things about their family history. Never mind the ghosts in the house, there is something far worse that takes an interest in them…a cannibalistic clown named Crepitus.”

Reminds me of that 1992 episode of The Simpsons where Bart is staying with The Flanders while his mom Marge is giving birth to Lisa, and he’s in a circus clown themed bed freaking out, shaking and repeating, “Can’t sleep…clowns will eat me.” So yeah, a cannibal clown. That’s pretty f’d up. And why would clowns eat kids in the first place? From what the guy at the deli tells me, they taste terrible no matter how much mayo you smear on ‘em. I should probably buy my sandwiches elsewhere.

Eat Locals

EAT LOCALS (2017/2018)
“In a quiet countryside farmhouse, Britain’s vampires gather for their once-every-fifty-years meeting. Others will be joining them too; Sebastian Crockett, an unwitting Essex boy, the sexy cougar Vanessa, and a detachment of Special Forces vampire killers who have bitten off more than they can chew. This is certainly going to be a night to remember…and for some of them it will be their last.”

You’d think British vampires could find someplace nicer than a barn to hold their meetings. Might I suggest O’Henry’s — Home of the Power Drinkers. Appropriate as vampires could be referred to as power drinkers.

P.S. That’s a real place — I’ve been there. I shan’t return lest there be vampires about.

Cannibal Cuisine

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Trouble Every Day

Trouble Every Day (2001) is a French horror movie about a chick that has sex with dudes and then eats their flesh. Hopefully in that order.

Trouble Every Day

Shane Brown is an American scientist on his honeymoon in Paris. Instead of frenching his wife, he’s plagued by reoccurring nightmares of having sex and ripping flesh apart. He looks up Dr. Léo Sémeneau, his brain experimenting buddy, in order to figure out why he wants to eat his wife, but not in the legally married way.

Trouble Every Day

The doc’s gone, but his hottie wife Coré is hanging around, having sex with local monsieurs and chowing on their flesh. Talk about soul mates — Shane needs to get an annulment and hook up with this broad and get their flesh freak on asap.

Trouble Every Day

Coré looks good sans clothes and shows her bare upper half a lot. That both sweater busters are covered in blood and particulate matter most of the time is moot. Shane looks like the drummer for Foghat. Do not gaze upon his nakedness as it will turn you off to such rockin’ songs as “Slow Ride” and whatever Foghat’s second hit was. (I think it’s “I Just Wanna Make Love To You — And Then Eat Your Flesh.”)

Trouble Every DayThe cannibal scenes are tame, as is the depictions of sex. Long stretches of emoting (there’s barely any dialogue) bring this thing to an attention deficit crawl. I guess the French figured the subject matter was enough to shock the viewer into thinking this is a great movie. The French are wrong.

2015 Horror: Best of the Worst

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Worst Horror Movies of 2015

Movie commentary website ScreenRant.com recently posted their 12 Worst Horror Movies of 2015 list. They totally stole my idea, along with every other horror movie blog in existence. I feel mildly violated.

But rather than let it ruin my refreshing alcoholic beverage, here’s ScreentRant.com’s smack down along with my think tank thinkings on the subject(s). [Note: ScreenRant.com’s article, written by Scout Tafoya, is really quite good, accurate and well-researched – just the opposite of anything you’ll get outta me until I start getting paid to do this.]

From last to first…

Monsters: Dark Continent

12. MONSTERS: DARK CONTINENT
What it is: The sequel to Monsters (2010) wherein the title beasts have infected the Middle East where there’s already a war going on. Nice timing, stupid space creatures.
What SR said: “The monsters (admittedly still beautiful in design) are glimpsed from the sideline of the action and never meaningfully interact with the interchangeable leads.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Monsters: Dark Continent is two movies – military guys dealing with the horror of war, and military guys dealing with the horror of giant ick monsters. M:DC needed to pick a lane and drive in it as the two conflicts conflict with each other. Kinda like drinking a Budweiser™ and a Miller Genuine Draft™ at the same time. In theory it works, but it just doesn’t once the tops get popped. Still, the monsters are outrageously cool, especially that Mt. Everest sized one at the end.

Knock Knock

11. KNOCK KNOCK
What it is: Two hot “stranded” chicks show up at a married guy’s house, get naked and entice him to stain his marriage vows. Then they try to permanently divorce him before his wife gets home.
What SR said: “As repugnant as it is arrogant, Knock Knock is a lose lose.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Did not see this one. Read some reviews, though. Not sure it qualifies as a horror movie in the traditional sense. Maybe if everyone wore a hockey mask…

The Green Inferno

10. THE GREEN INFERNO
What it is: Severely annoying student activists travel from New York City to the Amazon to save the Rain Forest. When their plane crashes in said foreign foliage, cannibals show up to invite them to/as dinner.
What SR said: “Cheaply made, obnoxiously written and not even half as extreme as it thinks it is, Green Inferno is an insult to the cannibal films of the ’70s it pays tribute to.”
What I think doesn’t matter: What they said. Embarrassing and irritating, GI, while filled with insides being turned outside, it’s really hard to get past what ScreenRant accurately calls “colossally stupid stereotypes.” Ironically, my complaint is with the cannibals – it took them one hour and forty-one minutes to finish their meal.

Into The Grizzly Maze

9. INTO THE GRIZZLY MAZE
What it is: A freakishly intelligent (and bottomless hungry) grizzly bear turns actors into bit parts.
What SR said: “The bear of the title is a mess of bad CGI effects and behaves conspicuously more like Jason Voorhees rather than a wild animal.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Yep. Though I will point out that the bear doesn’t just attack humans – it stalks and then rips them apart like jungle taffy. That’s what bears in horror movies are supposed to do.

Back Country

8. BACKCOUNTRY
What it is: Vacationing campers are attacked and made into shredded meat by a bear of all things.
What SR said: “A couple of bland people for a weekend retreat to a wilderness trail that’s been closed for the season. That doesn’t stop them or a killer black bear from roaming around anyway. The kids get lost and it takes the bear entirely too long to show up and start chewing on hamstrings.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Mostly just fast-forwarding to the hamstring chewing action. Everything else was a waste of valuable drinking time.

Shark Lake

7. SHARK LAKE
What it is: A black-market exotic species dealer unleashes a shark in Lake Tahoe where it chews out the swimmers.
What SR said: “No professional actors, terrible special effects, a sixteenth of the budget and lots of hilariously awful dialogue. Shark Lake will make you laugh an awful lot.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Every since Sharknado (2013), the ocean’s most feared apex predator has been rendered to a bad comedy punchline. And Shark Lake shamelessly gets in the feeding frenzy and continues the mockery. Note to Shark Lake filmmakers: Why don’t you dangle an errant limb in the ocean? Then we’ll see who’s laughing.

Poltergeist

6. POLTERGEIST
What it is: An inferior remake of 1982’s superior Poltergeist
What SR said: “No one needed another Poltergeist; The monsters have a sort of evocative menace to them in their ten seconds of screen time, but when they’re represented by 3D screw bits and vomit fantasies, they’re a touch less formidable.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Just the thought of redoing Poltergeist is far more horrifying than the movie turned out to be. Hollywood must need the cash. P.S. “Vomit fantasies” – heh.

Burying The Ex

5. BURYING THE EX
What it is: A guy’s dead nagging girlfriend comes back from the grave and wants to continue their relationship. A guy’s worst day and nightmare.
What SR said: “Crazy sexist and smug, Burying The Ex is unquestionably [director] Joe Dante’s worst film.”
What I think doesn’t matter: ScreenRant may have missed the point – Burying The Ex is a comedy and supposed to be crazy sexist and smug. And hey, funny naked and horny fat guy to help keep things swingin’.

The Lazarus Effect

4. THE LAZARUS EFFECT
What it is: Medical researchers discover a way to bring animals/people back from the dead. For commercial applications, of course.
What SR said: “There isn’t a scare in the whole film and it loses steam right around the time it starts offing cast members, the film’s equivalent of shrugging its shoulders when it runs out of ideas.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Horror snobs not unlike myself recognize Lazarus as pilfering Flatliners (1990) and Pet Sematary (1989). In other words, nothing new here. That said, when was anyone ever brought back from being dead and not all f’d up in the brain hole?

Maggie

3. MAGGIE
What it is: A Midwest small town girl is infected with a virus that’s slowly turning her (and select others) into a zombie. Living in a Midwest small town does the same thing.
What SR said: “The filmmakers never quite figured out when this experience starts benefiting anyone crazy enough to watch a low-budget Arnold Schwarzenegger film. Take away his explosions and he’s lost without a map.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Casting Arnold Schwarzenegger with his famous Austrian accent as a Midwest farmer was a big pitchfork in the rump. Arnie doesn’t say much in this one, but when he does he stands out like a sore cow. His job, though, is to keep the authorities from moving his slowly rotting zombie teen daughter to a containment camp where they never come back because they just can’t. Maggie moves really s-l-o-w and there’s no brain eating. But I did like the last two minutes where she finally goes through zombie puberty and…

Harbinger Down  2. HARBINGER DOWN
What it is: Mutated monsters get defrosted from Russian space junk at the bottom of the Bering Sea – and their first food order is grad students on a fishing trawler. Zazdarovje!
What SR said:Harbinger Down could have used a few rewrites, a better cast, and a sense of purpose beyond its creepy crawly.”
What I think doesn’t matter: I’m a total sucker for giant monster movies. And it’s always a gratifying experience to see nauseating grad students being eaten by said giant monsters. You know what I say? Go giant monsters!

The Pack

1. THE PACK
What it is: Man’s best friend turns Man’s best leg into a chew toy.
What SR said: “These dogs are just too cuddly and never look like they want anything more than belly rubs and behind-the-ear scratches.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Didn’t see The Pack. But I did see it in 1983 when it was called Cujo.

Windmill of Doom

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Windmill Massacre

No sooner than I do an entire blog about the resurgence of the word “massacre” in a horror movie title [click HERE for excellence in fake journalism], a new one pops up. Called The Windmill Massacre (releasing 2016), this Dutch made dust-up concerns a chick on the run from the law, Devil-worshipping, and windmills. (Historical fact: windmills were centuries ahead of those fancy-pants wind turbines you see all over the place these days.)

The Windmill Massacre

Anyway, here’s how The Windmill Massacre spins: “Jennifer is an Australian girl on the run from her past who washes up in Amsterdam. In a desperate attempt to stay one step ahead of the authorities, she joins a coach-load of tourists embarking on a tour of Holland’s world famous windmills.”

The Windmill Massacre

“When the bus breaks down in the middle of nowhere, she and the other tourists are forced to seek shelter in a disused shed beside a sinister windmill where, legend has it, a Devil-worshipping miller once ground the bones of locals instead of grain.  As members of the group start to disappear, Jennifer learns that they all have something in common – a shared secret that seems to mark them all for doom.”

The Windmill Massacre

Doom is a tidy word as it doesn’t need explaining. But what does is the Devil-worshipping miller grinding human bones. If its used in place of flour, you can only imagine what kind of taste bone powder gives to doughnuts. And what good are doughnuts that only a cannibal could choke down? Not a very good business model.

An Immortal Cannibal

Posted in Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

He Never Died

Rock stars showing up in horror/sci-fi movies is nothing new. Off the top ’o my dome, Alice Cooper comes to mind being in a pile of ’em: Monster Dog, Prince of Darkness, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, Suck, Dark Shadows, etc.

Punk icon and former Black Flag member Henry Rollins has quite a few horror reels under his belt as well, the latest being He Never Died, in which he plays a cannibal who tries to control his addiction. The hook: he can’t die. But wait, there’s more…

He Never Died

Rollins stars as Jack, a mysterious loner who has lived an inexplicably long life fueled by blood lust and filled with crime and violence. He buys stolen blood from a hospital intern, plays bingo, sleeps fourteen hours a day, watches television six hours a day, and lives alone. This is his life – he has shelled himself away from social interactions. The fuse is lit when Jack’s past comes back to rattle him. Jack must now walk a tight rope of sobriety and try to eat as few people as possible in this violent tale of personal responsibility and self worth. As it turns out, there are very few reasons to live when you can’t die.”

Henry Rollins

Not sure if Rollins used to eat people during his younger punk rock days, but with that legendary perma-aggro glare of his, he at least looked capable of chowing down fan ham. And he has the acting chops to pull it off. The movie role, not, like, actually eating people.

So how do you see He Never Died? The movie is gunning for a December 18, 2015 theatrical run, crowdfunded by Indiegogo™. Smuggle in your own people snacks, though; The price of concessions has gotten out of control these days.

A Taste For Cannibalism

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghoul

I never really understood cannibals. Unless you’re a zombie, I don’t see the point in eating human flesh, what with a McDonald’s every twenty-feet from where you’re standing. Must be a religious thing.

Which brings me to the point; There’s a new horror movie called Ghoul (releasing June 23, 2015), about a real-life cannibal/murderer/criminal Andrei Chikatilo, the Soviet Union’s most violent serial killer. This f’d-in-the-head nut bag committed sexual assault, murder and mutilation of 52 women and children between 1978 and 1990 in Russia and the surrounding counties and was finally caught and executed in 1994. I’m sure everybody wants to relive those memories with this movie.

Ghoul

In order to make Ghoul more palatable (sorry), the filmmakers have put a supernatural spin on things: “Three Americans travel to the Ukraine to film a documentary about the cannibalism epidemic that swept through the country during the famine of 1932. After being lured deep into the Ukraine forest for an interview with one of the last known survivors, they quickly find themselves trapped in a supernatural hunting ground.”

Ghoul

To prove there’s still a taste (sorry) for movie themes as this, Ghoul opened #1 in the Czech Republic and went on to become the highest grossing horror movie in Czech history, followed up by a limited U.S. theatrical release in March. Clearly, moviegoers ate (sorry) up the movie and the filmmakers are feasting (sorry) on profits.

All this talk about eating is making me hungry. Time to head to McDonald’s. I wonder if McRibs™ are made from real human ribs? Maybe in the Ukraine.

The Ghouls

P.S. Ghoul should not be confused with The Ghouls, an upcoming (December 18, 2015) Chinese action/adventure/fantasy/thriller movie based on the novel Ghost Blow Out The Light, which I have not read as its written in some sort of foreign language, possible Russian.