Archive for June, 2016

Shark Porn v.2

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

In The Deep

In The Deep, YET ANOTHER shark movie, washes up on the beach August 2, 2016. Originally titled 47 Meters Down (both names suck clam nectar), Deep follows The Shallows (2016) and goes like this:

The Shallows

“Two sisters become trapped at the bottom of the ocean when a diving expedition to observe sharks goes horribly wrong. When the cable attaching the observation cage to the boat breaks and the cage sinks to the bottom of the ocean, the sisters must figure out a way to get back to safety battling injuries, lack of oxygen, and, worst of all, bloodthirsty great white sharks.”

Shark Week

Yep, as weak as the title. (Note to math heads: 47 meters measures out to 154.16 feet. This doesn’t bode well for the sunk sisters as a real shark named “Shack” was tracked by scientists as diver downining 1200 meters – nearly 4,000 feet.

Shark Shack

This fun fact was found on the Discovery Channel’s™ website for the ratings powerhouse Shark Week, the annual week-long TV series featuring a ton of sharks doing a ton of chowing. (Note to shark heads: Shark Week premiered July 1988. That’s some serious chow power.)

Helicoprion

The website features a prehistoric breed of shark called Helicoprion. Sounds like a Swedish prog metal band name. They should make a movie with Heli as the star as this thing has a buzz saw mouth. The friendly sea roast never stood a chance.

The revelation of Helicoprion finally answers the question of where W.A.S.P.’s Blackie Lawless got the idea for his britches…

W.A.S.P. / Blackie Lawless

Shark Porn

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 29, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Red Water

Ever notice how Lou Diamond Phillips looks just like porn legend Peter North? From the neck up, anyway.

In the rogue shark movie Red Water (2003), Lou plays a charter boat captain in Louisiana in financial trouble because his business is seasonal and his customers aren’t. He used to work on oil rigs, but they had a blow out and two guys were killed. It wasn’t Lou’s fault, but he blames himself and traded his hot wife and career to own a stinky boat that barely floats. I probably would’ve done the same thing, but kept the hot wife (in case the boat quit working and we needed to be rowed back to land).

Red Water

Speaking of which, she shows up as a rep for the EPA wanting to charter his boat so she can keep tabs on the oil drilling going on up river. Lou’s hot ex-wife is played by Kristy Swanson, the original and ONLY Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Also in the drilling zone is three million dollars scuttled when the feds were closing in on a drug run gone horribly awry.

Red Water

Now the drug dealer who owns the spending rights wants it all back and hires a shark-bitten scuba expert/criminal to retrieve it. He also sends rap icon Coolio along to keep an eye on things. Coolio has played good guys before, but he really shines here as a gangsta thug brandishing a gun to cap yo’ ass and using appropriate street talk to get his point across.

Red Water

Prior to these soon-to-cross scenarios, a 12-foot bull shark has made it up river and has eaten several people. I see you waving a red flag here: sharks are salt water fish. Not so fast — bull sharks are ambidextrous. The criminals clash with Lou, resulting in a MANY opportunities to bleed in the water. To a hungry shark, that’s like a refreshing human beverage to wash down its hourly meals.

Red Water

Realistic criminal behavior, all-purpose explosions and enlarged fish attacks build up to a well-staged climax. Lou’s past factors in nicely on the final face-off with the shark (which looks like its made of some sort of water-proof rubber when it launches (!) out of the water to eat people).

Red Water

The oil drill, it should be noted, looks to be of Peter North proportions, if you catch my drift. But it’s the snappy dialogue and double-crossing gangstas that are the real heroes here.

All That Cremains

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cremains

Uh, oh, a funeral home guy did something he wasn’t supposed to do — cremate two bodies at the same time to save money. Problem was, he got the ashes mixed up, and the barbecued leftovers of a little girl and a serial killer were combined. You can bet the funeral guy got in big trouble for this, but you don’t know how deep the death doo doo is until the end of this ambitious and inventive indie vid.

Cremains

So begins Cremains (20010), a trilogy of horror with the narrative wrap-around. Funeral Dude recants several tales of horror to a couple of disembodied voices that are questioning him about his questionable ethics/business practices. (Note to self: don’t talk to ghosts – they’re big time scary.)

One morbid story finds a woman driving through a weird community looking for a sacrificial something-or-other for Jerry, the town snake.

The next is a nasty short about a suicide counselor helping teens realize their whiny, attention-getting threats at offing themselves.

In the third, a woman believes she’s being stalked by a neck-licking vampire that used to be her girlfriend. (Friendship sucks.)

Cremains

To wrap things up, the mom of the little girl who died made a deal with a witch to bring back her daughter. All the bitc…, uh, witch needs is the ashes from the freshly-roasted girl. See where this is going?

Cremains

Lots of bare boobies, rumps, a little gore (including a guy getting his head run over by his own car), and a death-seeking creature whose face looks like a burnt summer camp marshmallow. What’s not to like?

New York – A Killer Vacation Destination

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

Resurrected by an underwater electrical cable (a good source of power and vitamins for the dead), Jason Voorhees, the unstoppable hockey-masked serial killer is nearly showroom ready YET AGAIN. A believable though predictable beginning for Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989).

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

A boat load of dumbass high school dumbasses are pleasure boating up the coast to go spread their dumbassery around New York. Jason loves boats (kyaks in particular), so he grabs hold of the S.S. Scream ’n Die’s anchor and gets a Lyft™.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes ManhattanWhat few survivors left escape by row, row, rowing the rest of the way to New York, where Jason follows. Strolling the well-littered streets of Manhattan, Jason punches a mouthy gangbanger so hard, his head comes clean off. A bit dramatic, but hey, JV was just excited to be anywhere except Crystal Lake for a change.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

In town with a few days to kill (heh), Jason takes in the sights: Times Square, the sewer system (kind of the same thing), and a nightclub (he skated without paying cover). The movie’s ongoing joke is that one of horror’s most prolific killing machines could walk mostly unnoticed among the city’s jaded residents.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

Jason gets a taste of New York hospitality when toxic waste is poured into the sewer and his flesh dissolves like Alka-Seltzer™ after a long night killin’ it in the City That Never Sleeps. (He’ll be back.)

Say what you will about the Big Apple – you can’t get this kind of entertainment in Los Angeles.

Haunted Country Music

Posted in Classic Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hillbillys in a Haunted HouseHillbillys in a Haunted House (1967). Sounds like a reality TV show. It certainly has all the ingredients: country singers, a haunted house, a gorilla, a supermodel, international spies and Merle Haggard. (Not making that up.) Heck, this thing would pair nicely with The Real Housewives of Melbourne and Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood.

Hillbillys in a Haunted House

Three country singers – one of which is the camera-ready Joi Lansing – are on the way to Nashville, home of white shoe wearing music legends and good ’ol boy alcoholics. (State law – you have to be drunk all the time in Nashville.)

Hillbillys in a Haunted House

Car trouble forces the trio to spend the night in an abandoned house with no amenities, except for a TV and nourishment (electricity) to power it. These troubadour squatters don’t know it, but in the basement is a ring of spies trying to get their lips around a top-secret formula for rocket fuel (geez, guys – it’s right on the label of a bottle of Jagermeister™), all of which is made even more entertaining with an unruly gorilla hanging around.

Hillbillys in a Haunted House

However, this “horror” music comedy is distinguished by music interludes done by Joi and Ferlin Husky (great name – the red-headed country/rockabilly/pop legend behind the classic Champagne Ladies And Blue Ribbon Babies/1974), and footage on the tube of a clean Merle Haggard before he met Jack Daniels™ and made and endless stream of immortal duets.

Hillbillys in a Haunted House

Numerous knuckle-headed comedy segments with horror legends John Carradine, Lon Chaney Jr. and Basil Rathbone. But it’s the last 15 minutes that rocks the haunted house with music performances by Merle (iconic icon), Sonny James (20 Number One country hits) and Country Music Hall of Fame’r Ferlin, sportin’ red hair, white shoes and a tight Chicago Boxcar Boston Back hairdoo. (You can get ahead with a style like that.)

Hillbillys in Las Vegas

P.S. Hillbillys in a Haunted House is the sequel to Las Vegas Hillbillys (1966). Didn’t see that one as I was informed it didn’t have gorillas playing slot machines while Frank, Dean and Sammy drank rocket fuel and embarked on madcap adventures.

Space Wife

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on June 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Solaris

In Solaris (2002), professionally handsome George Clooney plays a widowed psychologist sent to the space station orbiting Solaris (hey – same name as the movie title – neato!), a new planet with potential Starbuck’s™ applications. He has to find out why the crew gooned out and aren’t returning Earth’s tweets.

Solaris

When he arrives (just a mere shuttle flight once you pass the moon on the left hand side, what crew isn’t dead is gooned out. Seems they’ve been having visitors drop by. These visitors are a physical manifestation of someone in your life. For George, it’s his dead wife who he’s been in power-grieving mode for since she committed suicide after an argument she and George had. He carries guilt around like a grocery bag.

Solaris

When she suddenly appears, he goons out. Rationally, he knows it can’t be her, even though she still smells as fresh as a Nordstrom’s™ 1/2 off shoe sale. He tricks her into getting into an escape pod, and jettisons the illusion to the lunar curb. The next day she shows up again. What the hell? Is she, a space boomerang?

Solaris

Clearly, this is the work of drugs. Or Solaris. Probably drugs. There is a way to permanently kill off the visitors, but it involves a science weapon of some sort. This gal, though, wants to die because she knows she’s not real, and drinks liquid oxygen. (Shaken, not stirred, served up.) But soon she resurrects and it’s back to being boring.

Solaris

Another plan is devised to get out of Solaris’ gravitational pull in the escape module, but George stays to be with his artificial wife because he still hearts her. Then he ends up back on Earth and cuts himself while chopping up mouth-watering zucchini in his kitchen. That’s odd — his cut just healed instantaneously. That must mean… Yep, he’s officially dull, too.

Solaris

There’s just no other way to put this: Solaris is a really boring sci-fi movie with more talking than outer space-y stuff.

Unborn To Be Wild

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Unborn

Strangled by his twin sister’s belly button extension cord while in a womb without a view, Jumby was stillborn — something he’s still very pissed off about.

The Unborn

His sister made it out alive and grows up to be a supermodel-worthy college hottie who walks around in Victoria’s Secret™ panties (page nine of the summer catalog/3 for $30). This is a plot device that never gets old.

The Unborn Lately, though, she’s been having real-time nightmares of a back-from-the-dead Zombie Jumby. Dumb name — he should be thankful he wasn’t born. (Note: Though dead on arrival, Zombie Jumby is portrayed to be about 8-years-old. How does that work?)

The Unborn

The neighbor kid she baby-sits keeps showing up and doing the spooky trance thing, declaring Jumby wants to be born right the screaming heck now. Then she finds out she was a twin and that her mother committed suicide in an insane asylum over Jumby’s less-than-spectacular debut. Throw in a ridiculously reaching back story involving a family curse, Nazis and a demon wanting revenge, and you have one fright-less turd of a “horror thriller.”

The Unborn

 

The chills and spook moments in The Unborn (2009) are so stock as to have been downloaded off the Internet. The Jewish (!) exorcism is so clumsy, I could’ve done a better job — and even given them a discount as business has been slow lately.

The Unborn

P.S. Do your utmost best to not confuse this The Unborn with 1991’s The Unborn, a heartwarming family horror flick about a couple who can’t have children (lucky them), but chose to go the in-vitro fertilization route facilitated by an insane doctor, which yields them a science-gone-wrong kid. Unlucky them.