Archive for nightmares

Monster Guide, Halloween on Halloween, Evil Stuff

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frightfest Guide: Monster Movies

For those of us who still know how printed books work (no swiping left or right required), you might wanna swipe, uh, I mean, purchase the just released The Frightfest Guide to Monster Movies (Dark Heart of Cinema), written by longtime horror movie critic and Fangoria writer/editor, Michael Gingold. The price? A mere $24.93 with free shipping from Amazon Prime™. (If you live in England Town and order from Fabpress.com, it’ll set you back 20£ or “quid”. (Translation: $26.38 U.S.)

Frightfest Guide: Monster Movies

From the book’s press release: “Celebrated writer, editor, and critic Michael Gingold traces the history of the genre from the silent movies all the way through to the present day. From Universal Studios legends such as Frankenstein’s Monster and the Wolf Man, to the big bugs, atomic mutants and space invaders that terrorized the ’50s, to the kaiju of Japan and the ecological nightmares of the ’70s and ’80s, to the CG creatures and updated favorites of recent years — they’re all here.”

Frightfest Guide: Monster Movies

Guess I’ll have to raid the quid swear jar and get a copy. There might not be enough shillings in there, so time to start cussing like an Irish longshoreman at last call. While I practice yelling “shite” at the top of my lungs, here are a few recently released and upcoming horror I swear you may or may not watch…

The Invoking 3: Paranormal Dimensions

THE INVOKING 3: PARANORMAL DIMENSIONS (available now)
“Hundreds of disturbing paranormal events occur every year. Most of these terrifying encounters go unreported – until now. Enter the disturbing world of The Invoking 3: Paranormal Dimensions, where the undead come to wreak havoc upon the living. Grim Reapers, evil poltergeists, satanic forces and conjured spirits will feed off your fear and drag you into the abyss of waking nightmares.”

How this movie isn’t about alcohol abuse is beyond me. I see this stuff ALL THE TIME whilst excessively imbibing.

10/31

10/31 (October 31, 2017)
“A new horror anthology in the vein of V/H/S (2012) and Creepshow (1982) brings an ensemble cast together to spin twisted tales of the macabre. The poster is by Travis Smith who’s designed artwork for Metallica, Slayer, Avenged Sevenfold, Opeth and others.”

Cool poster. Hope the movie is as good. I like anthologies as my attention span is dwindling by the…

Live Evil

LIVE EVIL (October 31, 2017/Amazon/VOD)
“When a small college town police station is besieged by ‘Evil’ on a sleepy Halloween night, Pete, the sheriff, and Hancock, his loyal deputy, are thrown into the middle of holy chess game that could destroy the town, and possibly the world.”

Shouldn’t that be UNholy chess game? Why would Evil play a holy game? That’s like playing golf with bowling balls.

I Remember you

I REMEMBER YOU (November 10, 2017/DVD/VOD)
“After a woman hangs herself in a church, a new psychiatrist discovers she was obsessed with the disappearance of his eight-year-old son, who vanished three years earlier. Meanwhile, three city dwellers are restoring a house when they realize it is haunted, and a mysterious child named Bernodus, who disappeared 60 years earlier, is discovered as the link between the two groups.”

[Disclaimer: Already brought this to your attention a few months ago. This is the updated U.S. key art and a whole new pithy commentary.] Who names their kid “Bernodus”? Is he Greek? Are the names Jacob Marley or Casper not spooky enough? And why would a woman hang herself in a church? What, tying a rope around your neck and stepping off a wobbly stool not sufficiently religiously offensive?

Literary Predator, Neighborly Witchcraft, Plagiaristic Poltergeist

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

If It Bleeds

If you know how to read and can do so without moving your lips while doing it, here’s a juicy book you might wanna put on your Halloween gift wish list. If It Bleeds (Titan Books), a collection of stories about the Predator movie franchise, arrives October 17, 2017, edited by Bryan Thomas Schmidt, and features an all-star writer’s mosh pit, including Kevin J. Anderson, Wendy N. Wagner, Mira Grant, Dayton Ward, Jennifer Brozek, Tim Lebbon, Jonathan Maberry, Andrew Mayne, Weston Ochse, Larry Correia, S. D. Perry, Steve Perry, Jeremy Robinson,  John Shirley, Peter J. Wacks, Bryan Thomas Schmidt, Holly Roberds, and David Boop.

Need more convincing? Didn’t think so. But here’s the book’s advance press release anyway: “Over the centuries, extraterrestrial hunters of the Yautja race — also known as the Predators — have encountered humans on Earth and in the depths of space. Offered here are sixteen all-new stories of such hunts, written by many of today’s most extraordinary authors. Inspired by the events of the original Predator movies, graphic novels and novels, these adventures pit hunter against prey in life-and-death struggles where there can be only one victor.”

You can get If It Bleeds for a mere $9.99/Kindle Edition/$12.33 paperback. The price may vary, depending on what planet you’re mercilessly hunted on. And while you get your reading chops honed by looking at ingredient labels on bags of pork rinds and convenient snack-packs, here are a few just-released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to augment your literary needs…

Drone Wars

DRONE WARS (available now)
“When drones arrive in a flash, slaughtering humanity and stripping the Earth of its resources, a small team of scientists hiding in Los Angeles works to expel the drone menace once and for all.”

Replace the word “drones” with “politicians” and the word “expel” with ”impeach”, then you’ll have a much scarier movie.

Stranger's Relative

STRANGER’S RELATIVE (available now)
“Angela rents a room in the house of an African American woman, who offers services of witchcraft. After her arrival, paranormal activities begin to happen, causing her to experience intense situations full of intrigues. Convinced that there are evil entities in the house, Angela decides to move, but evil chases her wherever she goes, leading her to an unexpected outcome.”

That’s the problem with rental witchcraft — unless you know what you’re doing, everything can go a lot further south than you’re probably baptized for. That’s why you should always practice safe hex.

Chameleon Shadow

CHAMELEON SHADOW (available now)
“When darkness is attached and dreams haunt the head, an alternative source of relief can be found in the darkest of places by a most unbelievable being the elusive Chameleon. When a young photographer seeks relief from his recurring nightmares, the Chameleon provides a cure. Little does he know the side effect is the realization of his nightmares materializing in the real world.”

That’s called waking up and going to work.

Poltergeist Encounters

POLTERGEIST ENCOUNTERS (December 12, 2017)
“A questionable group of paranormal investigators with their own web series receive the offer of a lifetime. They must stay one night in a potentially haunted house to receive a large sum of money. It seems like easy money to Anton, team leader of the group, and privately, an unbeliever in the supernatural. Mick, Roach, and Terrance are all investigators that take the entire situation far too lightly, before everything they believe changes. On that fateful night, they learn that it’s all fun and games until things get real.”

The word “poltergeist” is one of those horror movie hot buttons, designed to lure you in with perceived ghost action. As is far too often when we’re promised a thrill ride and end up in the plastic ball pit at Chuck E Cheese™, we turn to booze instead of boos. (Yeah, I used that joke before. Gimme a break; I was up all night busting ghosts. I mean, “poltergeists.”)

Evil Bathrobe

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evilmakers

A voluptuous chick has nightmares, so she takes off her shirt. This is clearly the right thing to do when confronted by the unknown.

Her Goth girlfriend picks her up and, after meeting up with friends (a large chick and a reverse attractive large chick), head for the beach to score with men with boogie boards.

EvilmakerThe party car only makes it a few miles out of town, so the girls walk right into an unlocked furnished house with plenty of booze and nobody home. Mysterious voices pester the boob-gifted chick, so she takes her clothes off and hops in the bathtub. Again, she has what it takes to smash evil.

Evilmaker

The biggest drawback (besides the food stamp-esque budget), is the Evilmaker turns out to be the chick’s ghost ex-boyfriend in a discount black bathrobe. And not an absorbent bathrobe, either. (P.S. Not a spoiler – they practically hand it to you in the beginning as if an obligation-free cheese sandwich.)

The Evilmaker

Explained in flashbacks, he was caught cheating on her (that butt!) and was chopped up by an axe. Neither deeds are shown onscreen, and it only gets worse when the reverse attractive large chick exposes one of her Sarah Lee™-filled poundcakes.

So how evil is Evilmaker (2000)? About the same as a discount black bathrobe.

Unborn To Be Wild

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Unborn

Strangled by his twin sister’s belly button extension cord while in a womb without a view, Jumby was stillborn — something he’s still very pissed off about.

The Unborn

His sister made it out alive and grows up to be a supermodel-worthy college hottie who walks around in Victoria’s Secret™ panties (page nine of the summer catalog/3 for $30). This is a plot device that never gets old.

The Unborn Lately, though, she’s been having real-time nightmares of a back-from-the-dead Zombie Jumby. Dumb name — he should be thankful he wasn’t born. (Note: Though dead on arrival, Zombie Jumby is portrayed to be about 8-years-old. How does that work?)

The Unborn

The neighbor kid she baby-sits keeps showing up and doing the spooky trance thing, declaring Jumby wants to be born right the screaming heck now. Then she finds out she was a twin and that her mother committed suicide in an insane asylum over Jumby’s less-than-spectacular debut. Throw in a ridiculously reaching back story involving a family curse, Nazis and a demon wanting revenge, and you have one fright-less turd of a “horror thriller.”

The Unborn

 

The chills and spook moments in The Unborn (2009) are so stock as to have been downloaded off the Internet. The Jewish (!) exorcism is so clumsy, I could’ve done a better job — and even given them a discount as business has been slow lately.

The Unborn

P.S. Do your utmost best to not confuse this The Unborn with 1991’s The Unborn, a heartwarming family horror flick about a couple who can’t have children (lucky them), but chose to go the in-vitro fertilization route facilitated by an insane doctor, which yields them a science-gone-wrong kid. Unlucky them.

Squishy Horror

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 3, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Dark Below

Don’t you hate it when you’re out deep sea diving in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean shopping for succulent breakfast clams, when your quest is interrupted by an unearthly creature? Man, that just sucks.

But that’s just what happened to Olive, a young marine biologist in the upcoming horror sci-fi movie, The Dark Below. But it’s not like the unearthly underwater creature just swam up to her and hopped into her to-go bag. Nope, there was a traumatic accident not related to eating bad clams.

The Dark Below

So she smuggles the monster home with every intent to study it, feed it, probably give it a cuddly name like Squishy and have someone/something to talk to besides her boyfriend. As the movie’s press release tells us, “Whilst struggling to re-adjust to landlocked life and recover from her recent trauma, Olive begins to realize that she and the creature share a symbiotic bond that drives her to carry out its sinister will.”

Sounds groovy, but it gets better…

“Plagued by gruesome nightmares, her fractured memories of what happened during the accident in the depths of the ocean begin to unravel and reveal an eldritch horror far older and malevolent than she could ever imagine, one which she has unwittingly set free. Olive’s obsession leads to madness as her discovery consumes her entire humanity, with deadly results for those around her.”

The Dark Below

An eldritch horror – that term means weird and sinister or ghostly and, as it’s inspired by H.P. Lovecraft, suggests the creature is gonna be all tentacle-y ’n stuff. (It could be a mutant clam with, like, five arms or something.) Just gonna have to wait – The Dark Below’s website says its coming out in 2016. Dang – I might be sober by then.

The Dark Below

P.S. Don’t confuse The Dark Below with The Dark Below, another underwater horror sci-fi movie with the same title coming out sometime in 2015/2016. I wrote about it on June 15, 2015. As I recall, the seas were rough that day…

The Unending Horror of Amityville

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 7, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Amityville: The Awakening

It isn’t schedule for release until 2016, but already red flags are going up around the impending Amityville – The Awakening, another coattail rider in the beleaguered Amityville Horror franchise, which started in 1979. (Amityville: The Awakening is the 14th offering in a once-kinda cool but now painfully laughable series.)

And they haven’t decided what to call it. Wikipedia has it listed as Amityville: The Reawakening, but the ad posters simply have it titled as Amityville: The Awakening. The irony here is that the sequel will probably put you to sleep (if the trailer is any indication). Here’s some more knuckleheadedness – Wikipedia™ states that the movie was released on January 2, 2015, yet IMDB.com says it comes out in April of 2016. Somebody needs to re-awake, pick a lane, and drive in it.

Amityville: The Awakening

So here’s how they go to the cursed well one more time: “Belle, her little sister Juliet, and her comatose twin brother James move into a new house with their single mother Joan in order to save money to help pay for her brother’s expensive healthcare.”

“But when strange phenomena begin to occur in the house including the miraculous recovery of her brother and Belle’s increasingly horrifying nightmares, Belle begins to suspect her mother isn’t telling her everything and soon realizes they just moved into the infamous Amityville house.”

Amityville: The Awakening

Weak. Clearly, after 14 movies, they ran out of ways to cash in other than to cram “Amityville” in the title and make leap of believability to place everyone back in the most infamous haunted house in the world. They should call it Amityville: The Re-Sleepening.

Hollow Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Hollow One

This has got to be embarrassing for one or more people: two horror movies coming out at the same time with the same name. It’s like throwing a party for yourself and everybody shows up dressed exactly like you. (That’s one of my all-time worst nightmares.)

So in one corner we have the crowd funded The Hollow Ones and in the other corner the not crowd funded The Hollow One. (And to muddle matters, there’s a group of disassociated people who refer to themselves as “The Hollow Ones.” I bet they’re Goth idiots.)

The Hollow Ones

The Hollow One: “While searching for her missing father, an emotionally damaged woman confronts her tragic past and a shadowy figure with sinister intentions.”

Yeesh – who writes the press release copy for these things? The janitor?

The Hollow Ones: “The Hollow Ones is a horror thriller film about evil fairies, based on the 15th Century folklore of Changelings.”

Fairies are about the size of pork-fed butterflies and are easily squishable.

I feel more sorry for The Hollow One; Now they can’t use The Hollow Ones as a sequel name like they did with Alien/Aliens. Life sucks. Just ask “The Hollow Ones” wandering around the mall all dressed in Hot Topic™ on sale black.