Naked Scream Queen, Sunken Horror, Bad Breath Witch

Night of the Demons premiered in 1988, instantly becoming a modern horror classic and further cementing star Linnea Quigley’s status as a scream queen icon. And it had absolutely nothing to do with her topless scene and where she applied her lipstick. Ahem. Historical note: Linnea’s full frontal naked dance scene on a grave in 1985’s Return of the Living Dead as Trash, a punk rocker with safety pins where safety pins shouldn’t be used, caused many a rewind moment in VHS history.

Now you can relive Night of the Demons in its unrated form — hosted by Linnea — during its 35th anniversary screening on Friday, April 28 at the Capitol Theatre in Arlington, MA. And tickets are only $10. That can buy a lot of lipstick. Linnea will be on hand to introduce the film and participate in a post-screening Q&A. I can see hands going up as we speak.

So while we re-watch Return of the Living Dead and then pull up our pants during the end credits, here are a few out now horror movies that may or may not need you to wash up after viewing…

PILLOW PARTY MASSACRE / Out now (VOD)

“Five girls, five best friends, all haunted by their past mistakes of an April Fools prank gone fatally wrong, meet again after two years for a summer week long getaway in the woods to reconnect and reconcile.”

The similarly-titled Slumber Party Massacre (1982) immediately came to mind, in which a serial killer with a phallic power drill goes after scantily-clad girls debating world politics and make-up tips during a sleepover. I don’t think Pillow Party Massacre has any politics in it.

TITANIC 666 / Out now (Tubi™)

“Dark forces from the deep rise to the surface, terrorizing all aboard from Titanic III and threatens to repeat one of history’s greatest disasters.”

Last words heard on board the Titanic: “Would you like more ice in your drink?” Last words heard on Titanic III: “Think anybody’s gonna watch this disaster?”

FORGIVENESS / Out now (VOD)

“Three women mysteriously wake up in a hospital and discover that one of them is deaf, one is mute and the other one is blind; together they will have to figure out why they are there and how to get out.”

See no doctor bills, hear no doctor bills, pay no doctor bills.

PANTAFA / Out now (VOD)

“Marta and her daughter Nina move to Malanotte, a small mountain village. The little girl has been suffering from hypnagogic paralysis for some time, a sleep disorder which can lead to hallucinatory states, and Marta thought that a bit of mountain air and distance from the frenetic rhythm of city life might benefit the little girl. However, the house they move into is anything but welcoming, and children are never seen playing in the streets of Malanotte. Nina’s symptoms begin to worsen from the very first night in the new house, and the little girl has more and more vivid nightmares in which a ghostly figure sits on her chest, immobilizes her and steals her breath. For Marta, a single mother in a place she finds increasingly sinister, it will become harder every day to know what is best for her child.”

If a ghost woman wants to sit on my chest, she’ll have to buy me a drink first.

Space-y Rock, Psychedelic Multiverse, Carnal Classics

So this is a whole new level cool — artist Todd Alcott has mashed up rock ‘n roll with science fiction in a pulp fiction book cover style as paintings, the first one being “Black Hole Sun,” Soundgarden’s massive hit from their Superunknown album in 1994. The art depicts singer Chris Cornell in a space suit with the Universe bearing down on him. Maybe I should get a space suit as I’m always feeling like the Universe is bearing down on me.

Another of Todd’s excellent mashups is The Police’s “Every Breath You Take,” which is often difficult in outer space. That song came out in 1983 from the multi-platinum selling Synchronicity. The art shows Sting (real name: Gordon Sumner, which is kinda boring) trying to escape the all-seeing eye, which is funny as that’s what the law — or police — is always watching every move we make or any bail bond we break. Heh. He mashed up other musical acts as well — Elvis Costello, Dolly Parton, Talking Heads, Devo — but those aren’t given the sci-fi treatment, so I shan’t be discussing it further.

Both giclee (pronounced /ʒiːˈkleɪ/ zhee-KLAY) prints come in three sizes — 11×17 ($40), 18×24 ($55) and $24×46 ($85). So yeah, a nifty addition to any rock/sci-fi/pulp-fiction fan’s collections. (Buy ‘em here.) And while you’re trying to pronounce giclee correctly, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as boring as Sting’s non-rock name… 

INTERFACE / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“After tragically losing their father, two sisters track down an Interface Machine across the multiverse that will enable them to go into estranged mother’s mind and bring her back from a coma.”

You don’t need an expensive Interface Machine with a 40-page instruction manual. All you need is Electric Ladyland, Jimi Hendrix’s psychedelic rock metal (1968 masterpiece — play it loud and the metaverse will appear all around you.

LEDA / APRIL 11, 2023 (VOD)

“Young newlywed Leda is haunted by strange visions in this hypnotic tale that transports ancient myth to the dark forests and deep lakes surrounding a 19th century mansion. As her tragic past slowly unfolds, Leda begins to lose touch with time and reality. What seems to be a dream-like world spirals into a realm where nightmares and memories bleed together, invoking poetry and horror in a fable of birth, death, and otherworldly desires.”

Losing touch with time and reality, spiraling into a realm where nightmares and memories bleed together. You already know what I’m gonna say — Leda’s been hittin’ Happy Hour at the Tug Tavern. Sometimes I can’t help myself. Or more often than not.

FROM BLACK / APRIL 28, 2023 (SHUDDER™)

“Cora, a recovering drug addict, desperate for closure and saddled by crushing guilt after the disappearance of her young son, is presented with a bizarre offer to learn the truth about what happened and set things right — if she is willing to pay a terrifying price.”

If you’re a drug addict, you’re already paying a terrifying price.

WE KILL FOR LOVE / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“This documentary goes in search of the lost and misunderstood world of the direct-to-video erotic thriller, an American film genre that once dominated late-night cable television and the shelves of neighborhood video stores. Balancing film art with scholarship, We Kill For Love pulls back the curtain to reveal the heart and soul of a forgotten and often maligned film movement.”

Erotic thriller is just a fancy way of saying the girls who star in ’em do so topless and more often than not, bottomless, which is how I like my adult beverages.

Godzilla’s Space Brother, Drug Skin, Psycho Sex Babysitter

SpaceGodzilla may have only one film credit to his name (Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla /1994), but with his New Age crystal padded shoulders and out-of-town swagger, he made a lasting impression, if not visually, but all over Japan’s infrastructure. And now you can own a piece of the rock with Mondo’s™ limited release of the SpaceGodzilla soft vinyl figure. Never has wanton destruction seemed so desirable.

From Mondo’s website: “This Kaiju toy measures 9.5” tall, 10” long, and 6.5” wide and is priced at $150.00. It’s designed and sculpted by Hector Arce and comes packaged in a box with art by Francesco Francavilla. Limited to 400, it’s expected to ship in July.”

For those who have yet to see Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla, it goes a little something like this: “Godzilla is threatened by two new forces: Mogera — another UN-built machine, and SpaceGodzilla — a beast spawned from Godzilla’s particles in space.”

So while we all “launch” our own “particles” into space and wait to see what comes back to haunt us, here are a few out now/up and coming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better with New Age crystals…

MARVIN / Out Now (Amazon Prime Video™, Tubi™)

“After the incident, Albert, a family practitioner, aimlessly searches for the perfect sure for his son’s gruesome face. For the last 20 years, he’s been secretly collecting skins, donated by the local town sheriff. The only criteria is they must possess the raw hide of a junkie. This gives a whole new meaning to ‘operation’ drug bust.”

The raw hide of a junkie. Sounds like that’d be an nifty title for a Carcass album.

SPOONFUL OF SUGAR / March 2023 (Shudder™)

“A disturbed babysitter experiences a sexual awakening while using LSD to alternatively treat a child from a family with dark secrets of their own.”

With my luck, this one’ll probably be rated PG.

AXE2GRIND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Debbie Wilkins is released after serving 10 years in a psychiatric hospital in upstate New York for her murder spree on the set of The Bayou Butcher. Wilkins, who still has unresolved issues and vendettas to settle, picks up where she left off after reuniting with her twisted accomplice Norman Poindexter. Meanwhile, Debbie’s ex, Peter Burgess, has been having nightmares about the possibility that Wilkins might be released from prison and has turned to a therapist to deal with his trauma and guilt from past events. But are they just nightmares, or is Debbie Wilkins going to put their past relationship to rest for good?”

This one stars Debbie Rochon, the undisputed Scream Queen, what with having appeared in over 200 horror movies, give or take. And in half of those, she’s actually wearing clothes. 

SPRING LAKES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Marcus, a down-and-out struggling filmmaker, goes on a search for his missing sister Sheila in Spring Lakes, he encounters strange and mysterious occurrences in the form of a satanic cult and other superstitious beliefs. Marcus must find his sister before he, too, becomes engulfed by the living forest and suffers the same fate as his sister.”

If you’re down and out and struggling, shouldn’t you be looking for a job instead of your sister? Then again, maybe the satanic cult would hire you to hand of recruitment fliers downtown.

Playing With Horror, Cow Trauma, Space Toilet

When I was a foundling, the popular games of my day were “Spin The Bottle Rocket”, “Watching Paint Dry” and the gripping, “Chase A Parked Car”. But today’s kids are more sophisticated and need games that not only entertain, but engage the impatient mind as well. And game maker Steven Rhodes has just the thing for picky little brats who will never know the elation of playing “Rats In My Pants”.

From Cryptozoic Entertainment’s website: “From the mind of Steven Rhodes, a graphic artist and illustrator best known for his offbeat re-imagining of children’s activity books from the ’70s and ’80s, these three games immerse you in these hilariously dark retro worlds.”

“In Let’s Summon Demons, only the savviest (and luckiest!) player — the best Demon Summoner — will walk away a winner! In Don’t Talk to Strangers, navigate your kids from school and score as many points as you can before the neighborhood is completely overrun by otherworldly strangers!”

The best of the bunch is Let’s Call The Exorcist: “Dad has brought home a collection of rare artifacts from his latest excavation, and now pesky demons have possessed the children! The priest has devised a scavenger hunt to cleanse the house, but those dastardly devils won’t make it easy! Deduce your way to victory in this fast-paced game featuring secret roles and hidden cards. Reveal Holy and Cursed Artifacts, beneficial Blessings for instant points, and malevolent Mischief cards that mix things up!”

Individually, these games are $19.99 each (click here). But hey, why not go all in and get one of several sets of three for $59.97? I just ordered the set containing Cryptozoology for Beginners, Living Well Is the Best Revenge and the aforementioned Let’s Call The Exorcist. Can’t wait to let my friends watch me play ‘em.

While you replace your once treasured checkers with these new board games, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as stimulating as strip chess…

SICK / January 13, 2023 (Peacock™)

“When the country locks down due to the pandemic, college student Parker and her best friend decide to quarantine at the family lake house alone — or so they think.”

Hope the slasher in the house keeps his face mask on, or else he might make the girls sick and die.

IN DREAMS / January 17, 2023 (Screambox™)

“A woman experiences a psychological spiral in the wake of her grandfather’s murder.”

I define a psychological spiral as watching the intestinal contents of an epic drinking binge swirl colorfully while being flushed. Wash all of life’s little problems down the drain. 

DAWNING / January 31, 2023 (VOD)

“A trauma therapist is forced to face her family’s darkest past when she returns to her childhood countryside farm to console her heartbroken younger sister.”

If I lived on a farm I’d need a trauma therapist, too. Those pink things dangling full on commando under a cow gives me recurring nightmares.

THE ARK / February 1, 2023 (SyFy™/Peacock™)

“The remaining crew of a spacecraft known as Ark One must become the best versions of themselves to stay on course and survive after experiencing a catastrophic event that caused massive destruction and loss of life.”

Catastrophic event — the space toilet got clogged and the wrongness overflowed all over the spacecraft. And they made a series out of this riveting storyline. Can’t wait for Season #2. Heh.

Frightful Figurine, Vagrant Vampires, Germ Grub

Of the many non-alcohol-related things to spend your money on, you can’t do much better than a huge Pennywise doll that’s almost as tall as you are, assuming you’re over four feet in height, not counting high heels/platform Disco shoes. The only thing scarier than this doll, though, is its price: $699.99. Whew — glad it’s not $700.00 as that would break the bank.

From the freakin’ awesome Trick or Treat Studio’s™ website: “Warner Bros.™ and Trick or Treat Studios™ are proud to present the Official IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll. Sculpted by Mark Anthony, this amazing doll measures 50” tall and is made of soft flexible foam surrounding an industrial strength posable aluminum frame. The doll is dressed in highly detailed clothing and shoes and features a beautiful paint job. The IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll comes in a themed window box.”

Shipping is estimated to begin May 8, 2023 — just in time for National No Socks Day. And yes, that’s a real holiday. (Still waiting for National No Pants Day because, hey…NO PANTS!) The website also tells us the IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll does not stand on its own without support. Well heck, neither do I.

So while we’re “donating” blood for cash 85 times in order to pay for this must-have punchinello (sorry — word of the day calendar. Apparently, it means “clown”), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stand on their own without support…

DOWN AND OUT IN VAMPIRE HILLS / Out now (VOD)

“Vampires are at the top of the food chain. They are glamorous, seductive, elegant, and magnetic. They can also be old, out of touch and a tad eccentric. What does a vampire have to do to survive in the 21st century? Seriously, do vampires have to get jobs? How else to pay the rent? Homelessness and bloodsucking collide in this tale and the question that is asked is: Are vampires predators or prey? Even vampires can be down and out in a time when no one knows who is eating whom. On the other hand, if a vampire has a pair of cute boots, she may be able to handle anything.”

Makes sense that vampires would want to squat in an upscale community. Boots — social media-deemed cute or otherwise — are hard to find in Transylvania. A stylish cape maybe, but not footwear to digitally flaunt/die for.

THE HARBINGER / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“When her oldest friend is plagued by horrific nightmares from the beyond, Monique is forced to travel to NYC. On the first night of the visit, Monique learns the dreams are contagious – and so is the Harbinger, the plague mask-wearing demon who not only feeds on its victim’s souls, but warps reality itself to remove any trace of their existence.”

Wish I could do that. By that I mean be a mask-wearing demon, but not feed on souls. Souls taste weird and don’t leave you feeling satiated. Plague sandwiches on the other hand…

ERBSÜNDE / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“In search of an adventurous story in the woods, a group of journalism students awaken a superhuman being from its lost cyro chamber. A long night of man-hunting and desperation begins.”

If I was a super-human being who just woke up in the woods, the first thing I’d do is kick a tree in half, fry the students who disturbed my ancient slumber with zig-zaggy beams that shoot out of my eyes, and punch an aircraft carrier right in the anchor. Then I’d go a get a Deluxe Burger and a small Diet Coke™ at Frisko Freeze™. Wow, I really went off the road just now.

HELLBILLY HOLLOW / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Bull not only protects his not-so-small younger brother from the outside world — but also the outside world from Tickles. A team of YouTube™ paranormal activity investigators come to a haunted attraction in the backwoods and find more than they bargained for as they follow thrill-seekers on a haunted hayride. Fear and death follow those who enter and seek the past.”

Someone is named Tickles? I’m so dang mad at my mom for not naming me that. Thanks a lot…MOM. If I was named Tickles, not only would I instill fear and death ‘n stuff, I’d charge a LOT more for haunted hay rides and… Geez, still coloring outside the lines. I gotta stop eating those chocolate-covered psychedelic mushrooms with sprinkles. If I was named Sprinkles…

Horror Camel, Half A Vampire, Death For Dinner

Art is horror. Conversely, horror is art. At least it is on the Bottleneck Gallery (bottleneckgallery.com) and the Hero Complex Gallery (hgcart.com) websites, where you can buy super awesome illustrated prints of classic horror/sci-fi movies. At around $60, these 24”x36” prints are more affordable than, say, a night out at the Tug Tavern.

Illustrated by some of the best artists in this sector of the known Universe, you can purchase prints of Planet of the Apes, Let The Right One In, Scream, The Shape of Water, What We Do in the Shadows, Beetlejuice, Alien, Aliens, Starship Troopers, The Addams Family, Mad Max: Fury Road, Prometheus, and more. Okay, you MIGHT’VE been able to snag these prints, as all are quite limited and probably already snapped up. But hey, bookmark those gallery websites and get in front of the grocery line for upcoming art.

While you take down your New Kids On The Block vintage (and collectible) posters to make room for Frankenstein, Dracula and The Creature From The Black Lagoon prints, here are a few out now horror movies that may or may not be better than an evening at the Tug Tavern…

BLOODLINES: THE JERSEY DEVIL CURSE / Out now (VOD)

“Something stalks the Pine Barrens of New Jersey. A demon said to inhabit the dark forests of these lands has stalked and terrified the locals for centuries, but what is the true story behind its dark origin? Said to be the thirteenth child of a witch, the Jersey Devil has long been known as one of the most popular urban legends in North America. But did you know its history stretches back thousands of years and hints at something far more terrifying than a simple ‘fairytale’? Now, uncover the roots to one of the most dramatic, and dramatically terrifying accounts of the Jersey Devil in recent memory.”

The Jersey Devil has been around for a long time, but he/she/it doesn’t have the same star power as Mothman or the Chupacabra. Probably because JD looks like a bat-winged camel with hooves of doom. Not very marketable. Time for a makeover — for starters, lose the hippie sideburns and get some new footwear.

DAMPYR / Out now (VOD)

“Haunted by nightmares, Harlan Draka wanders the countryside, shamelessly making money pretending to be a Dampyr (half-human and half-vampire) ridding villages of what the villagers naively believe to be evil monsters. But when he is summoned by soldiers who are under attack by real vampires, Harlan finds out the truth: he is a Dampyr. While trying to destroy a terrible Master of the Night, he will have to learn to manage his powers and further uncover his origins.”

So you’re half vampire, half human. Does that mean you suck yourself? 

THE FEARWAY / Out now (VOD)

“A young couple traveling down the freeway seem to be unable to get off the road after being hunted by someone intent on keeping them on the road.”

Then they shouldn’t have gotten a job with Uber Eats™.

MOST HORRIBLE THINGS / Out now (VOD)

“Looking forward to a once-in-a-lifetime experience, six single Twenty-somethings find themselves Valentine’s Day guests of an enigmatic host. Each of them have been offered money and the promise of love, if only they can survive through dinner.”

How could they not survive dinner? That green bean casserole is to die for.

Choke On The Water

In the bereft-of-thrills Japanese horror movie Lake of Dracula (1971), five-year-old Akiko has bigger problems than her unruly dog who breaks from a walk on the beach and ends up in a European (?) mansion where a vampire lives. This mansion sucker is tall, Assembly line haircut and glowing yellow eyes, which look more orange than yellow. Either way, he better see a doctor about that.

Eighteen years later, Akiko, ho now lives by a lake instead of the ocean (fewer crabs, more mosquitos), keeps having dreams of that vampire who scared the yellow out of her. Her nightmares have just come to fruition after a local boat operator/lake janitor receives a shipment from an unknown sender — it’s a coffin. He opens it and the womb of doom is empty. Even Amazon Prime™ wouldn’t allow returns of this nature. Then, shockingly predictable, the boat guy is attacked and sucked by the SAME VAMPIRE Akikio encountered all those years ago. And his haircut is UNCHANGED.

It doesn’t take long for more people (and dogs) to turn up freshness-expired. Akiko’s boyfriend is a doctor and even he can’t explain the two small holes in people’s necks, though he’ll still bill you for looking at ‘em. One of the victims is Natsuko, Akiko’s perky pretty sister. So bouncy is this cutie, I’m kinda surprised Natsuko didn’t pop like a balloon when the vampire made with the chomp.In a slow burn towards a thankful ending, Natsuko comes back from the dead, Akiko gets gooned out even more, and the vampire’s origins are revealed. Turns out he’s a descendant of (gasp!) Count Dracula. A yawn-inspiring confrontation on a balcony ends with the vampire falling overboard and landing on a protruding steel spike. Looked worse than it probably felt.

If the above hasn’t turned you off to bloodless vampire movies, Lake of Dracula is part of The Bloodthirsty Trilogy, which included The Vampire Doll (1970) and Evil of Dracula (1974). They may or may not make your eyes glow.

Nightmare King, Porno Slasher, Ghost Mom

It’s one thing to eat fast food and later get nightmares. But it’s entirely another thing to have a fast food chain tell you up front their burgers will give you nightmares. Genius, and yet unsettling, both to your mind and lower intestines.

Burger King™, hot on the heels of their Scary Black Cherry Frozen Fanta™ drink for this year’s Halloween season, is now selling the Nightmare King™ (great name), a hamburger with green buns (there’s a joke in there somewhere) that’s designed to make you freak out in your sleep. Time to throw out your Freddy Krueger spring rolls.

A review from CNBC.com: “The Nightmare King hase a ghoulish green bun and is filled with grilled beef, crispy chicken, bacon, American cheese and mayonnaise. And Burger King is actually claiming that the Halloween sandwich will induce nightmares, having tested it with 100 people over ten nights. The study revealed a 3.5 time increase in nightmares.

It’s the combination of protein and cheese that leads to vivid dreams, according to Dr. Jose Gabriel Medina, a somnologist and the study’s lead doctor, according to an online release. People’s Rapid Eye Movement (REM) cycles were interrupted, a time when most people dream.”

So they actually went out and found a doctor to validate their marketing. Wonder if they hired Republicans to cook ‘em? And before you race to Burger King™ to shell out $6.39 for one of these bad dream burgers (available October 22, 2018 while stocks last), here are a few upcoming horror that may or may not be as scary as green buns…

THE CLOVEHITCH KILLER (November 16, 2018)
“Tyler is a good kid, a boy scout, raised by a poor but happy family in a small, religious town. But when he finds his dad, Don, has disturbing pornography hidden in the shed, he starts to fear that his dad might be Clovehitch, an infamous serial killer that was never caught. Tyler teams up with Kassi, a teenage outcast who’s morbidly obsessed with the Clovehitch legend, to discover the truth in time to save his family.”

Porn is disturbing and a religious town isn’t? Seems they got their priorities out of whack. They probably should let Clovey get in there and straighten everyone out.

THE PRODIGY (February 8, 2019)
“Pulling from The Omen and The Bad Seed, the feature tells the story of a young mother who, concerned about her 8-year-old son’s disturbing behavior, thinks something supernatural may be affecting him.”

Pulling from The Omen (1976) and The Bad Seed (1956)? How about bold-face ripping off? And just so we’re clear here, disturbing behavior is what 8-year-old kids do for a living. If you own and operate one of those things, expect it to continue for at least another 10 years.

THE FINAL WISH (2018/2019)
“Aaron is struggling lawyer who returns home following the passing of his father to help his devastated mother and confront his past demons. Sifting through his father’s belongings, Aaron stumbles upon an Urn which is far more than it seems. As his desires and wishes start coming true, Aaron thinks his prayers have been answered until he learn the sinister price that comes with THE FINAL WISH.”

A can of beer has pretty much the same effect. And when you’re wishes run out, BUY ANOTHER CAN OF BEER. This isn’t rocket science, people.

THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA (April 19, 2019)
“Ignoring the eerie warning of a troubled mother suspected of child endangerment, a social worker and her own small kids are soon drawn into a frightening supernatural realm. Their only hope to survive La Llorona’s deadly wrath may be a disillusioned priest and the mysticism he practices to keep evil at bay, on the fringes where fear and faith collide.”

There’s been about a dozen takes on the La Llorona Mexican folklore, which is about the ghost of a woman, who lost her children, cries while looking for them in the river, often causing bad luck/headaches for anyone who hears her spectral bellyaching. Note to ghost moms — the river is not a good babysitter.

Historical Zombies, Future Mutants, Ultimate Bully Solution

Someone, I don’t know who, has released the key art for AMC’s The Walking Dead Season 9 premier for October 7. This is bittersweet as it’s widely reported that it’s the last season for lead TWD star Andrew Lincoln (aka, Rick Grimes). The zombies couldn’t take him down, so it looks like after all these flesh-chomping years, boredom has.

From the press release: “Show-runner Angela Kang recently spoke about the season’s time jump. ‘We’ll explore what happened as man made objects and structures break down. Infrastructure like roads and bridges are changing and crumbling. And we’ll also explore what happens as resources are getting low. There’s a fun Western vibe that has emerged. We are going into a period where a lot of the things that we’ve seen in previous seasons have broken down, so they’ve got these horses and carriages that are being drawn around instead of cars. Things are lit with oil lamps. People are using different kinds of weaponry. There’s a real grittiness to it that I think will be fun and fresh for the viewers.’”

Yeah, but what about the zombies? As a “day one” fan, I’ve seen how the walking dead have been relegated to being rotting frosting on a overstuffed cake with increasingly too many ingredients. And by ingredients, I mean too many characters and internal story lines. But I’ll still watch Season 9 to see how Rick, back to wearing his Sheriff hat that his now dead son Carl wore for several seasons, hangs it up.

While we all theorize with furrowed brow, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that you may or may not want to hang your hat on…

SLEEP NO MORE (October 2, 2018)
“Five graduate students are conducting a study to prove the theory that once you’ve passed 200 hours without sleep, you will never need sleep again. As the hours tick by and their struggle to stay awake intensifies, they each start to have strange and unsettling experiences. Visions from the past, violent impulses and terrifying waking nightmares begin to take hold and turn this experiment into a desperate fight for survival.”

I could see why someone would stay awake for almost nine days when there’s so much good stuff on TV to binge watch. Then again, it’s really hard to resist the siren call of the couch ‘n blankie. For me, practically impossible.

RAMPANT (October/2018)
“Yi Chung fights against ‘Night Demons’ to save the Joseon Nation. Yi Chung is the son of the king, and the greatest martial artist in the world. Although he is given to the Qing Empire as a political hostage, he returns home when his brother, the Crown Prince Yi Young, calls him back after many years. And it’s because of the nightmarish monsters plaguing the country that Yi Chung is tasked to destroy.”

This one is said to be a South Korean “historical action zombie” movie and is already getting gleeful comparisons to the hit South Korean zombie movie, Train To Busan (2016). It also means we’ll have to watch it with sub-titles. If I wanted to read, I’d buy a coloring book.

MUTANT BLAST (2018)
“A fearless soldier and TS-347 — a man with superhuman strength — are being pursued by a military cell responsible for scientific experiments that have resulted in a zombie apocalypse. On the way, they meet Pedro, a man with few ambitions and a great hangover. Together, they will try to escape to a safe place, but complications will cross their paths in the form of a nuclear bomb.”

“A man with few ambitions and a great hangover.” I should sue for copyright infringement.

THE SHED (2018)
“When orphaned Stan finds a murderous creature of the night has taken refuge in his backyard tool shed — and killed his grandfather— he can’t go to the cops who’ll likely put him in foster care. Stan tries to battle the demon alone, while Dommer, Stan’s best friend, thinks it’s the solution to their bully problems, if only they can lure the bullies to the Shed. Sometimes monsters turn regular folks into heroes, and sometimes they just turn them into different monsters.”

Resourceful, but not the best way to clear your path of bullies. Start with a Super Soaker™ loaded with asparagus pee and watch ‘em fall like Republicans.

Badass Aliens, Spooky Town, Zombie Rabies

Two new badass key art posters for the upcoming Predator (September 14, 2018) movie. There’s different titles on several of ‘em — one of the first posters says Pred4tor, and these say simply The Predator. I don’t care what they call it as I’ve been a Predator fan since the first movie (can’t remember what they called it) when it came out in 1987. I even tried to comb my hair to look like the dreadlocked Predator, even though everybody else at the time was trying to look like a member of Duran Duran.

As I e-barfed about this movie back in May, 2018, the plot revolves around the alien Predator hunters genetically hybriding themselves with DNA from other species. Here on Earth we call that getting lucky at Ladies Night (“Lois Lanes”) at the bowling alley. (And hey — microwaved nachos are only $1.99 while supplies last!)

Before you pull out the plaid and Aqua Velva™ cologne and head to the bowling alley, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not go good with $1.99 microwaved nachos…

CASTLE ROCK (July 25, 2018/Hulu™)
“Castle Rock combines the mythological scale and intimate character storytelling of Stephen King’s best-loved works, weaving an epic saga of darkness and light, played out on a few square miles of Maine woodland.”

The extended trailer for this 10 episode TV series looks pretty dang creepy. Guess I’ll have to bribe my neighbor with some sort of adult beverage with optional ice cubes and/or silly straw to get his Hulu™ login password and binge watch it.

HURT (July 26, 2018/Fantasia)
“Rose moves into a house in the woods close to her sister after her boyfriend gets deployed and things don’t go right when Halloween night arrives.”

Yeesh, they really don’t try to sell it with that generic/lame press release. Wonder if Rose has to do battle with Halloween raccoons out trick-or-treating for pine cones? Who wouldn’t want to see a movie like that?

PATIENT ZERO (August 14, 2018)
“An unprecedented global pandemic has resulted in the evolution of a new species. An aggressive form of rabies turns the infected into predators, addicted to violence. An inexplicably gifted human survivor with the ability to speak their new language spearheads a hunt for Patient Zero in order to find a cure to save his infected wife and humanity.”

The global pandemic that creates an aggressive form of rabies no doubt results in Republicans. That obvious truth stated, Patient Zero sounds like a cross between Pontypool (2008) and every other zombie movie from the last 10 years. You may now aggressively yawn.

MY WORST NIGHTMARE (Canada on T+E/Spring 2019)
“My Worst Nightmare explores harrowing recurring nightmares and brings them to life in vivid detail.”

This is gonna be Canadian documentary TV series, which means you should stock up on Moosehead Lager (5% alcohol), Molson Canadian (5% alcohol), Labatt Blue (5% alcohol), Sleeman’s Honey Brown (5.3% alcohol), Big Rock Traditional Ale (5% alcohol), and — winner! — Unibroue La Fin Du Monde (9% alcohol). Heck, try ’em all and bring your own nightmares to life in vivid detail.