Archive for haunted house

Nightmare Travel Host, Evil Easter, Heartless Operation

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 11, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shadows of History

Freddy Krueger on The Travel Channel™? Book me a seat! Actually, it’s Freddy Krueger actor, Robert Englund. But Clark Kent is still Superman, no matter if he’s wearin’ the cape or not.

Shadows of History

Shadows of History, the six episode series, premiers sometime in 2019, which, unless you frequently time-travel, is this year. From the press release: “In each episode, the Nightmare on Elm Street star will track down the story behind a bizarre or mysterious account printed in an American newspaper in the past. He will enlist historians and scholars to get to the truth behind the reports.” You can hear Englund in his best Freddy voice intro each show — “I’m your travel agent now!”

While we wait for Robert Englund to appear on Expedia.com commercials, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as terrifying as The Travel Channel™…

Made Me Do It

MADE ME DO IT (April 12, 2019)
“After a lifetime of abuse and rejection, a man finds unconditional love when he dons a mask called Barbara. But Barbara has an all-consuming taste for murder, as a college student and her little brother are about to discover.”

Most lonely guys would find unconditional love with an inflatable sex doll. Doesn’t seem like a mask would fulfill all his…needs. Whatever — love the one your with.

Chambers

CHAMBERS (April 26, 2019/Netflix™)
Nancy is the mother of the heart donor who forges a hesitant relationship with the young recipient only to find out her daughter may not be as dead as she thought.”

That’s pretty heartless. Okay, that came out wrong. So am I reading into this correctly — mom gave away her daughter’s heart before said daughter was done using it? She could get cardiac arrested for that. C’mon, that was funny. Geez…

Rottentail

ROTTENTAIL (April 12, 2019 |Theatrical | April 26, 2019 | DVD)
“Adapted from the graphic novel, Rottentail is the story of geeky fertility researcher Peter Cotton who, when bitten by a mutant rabbit, transforms into a vengeance-seeking half-man/half-bunny. What’s a boy to do? Why, take a hippity, hoppity trip home of course! Peter begins a bloody killing spree that culminates in his childhood hometown of Easter Falls.

There have been an overflowing basket full of horror Easter movies (including the documentaries) before this one: Easter Bunny Bloodbath (2004), Kottentails (2004), Peter Rottentail (2004), Serial Rabbit (2005), Easter Bunny Kill Kill (2006), Serial Rabbit 3: Splitting Hares (2009), Bunnyman (2011), Easter Casket (2013), Easter Sunday (2014), Beasterday: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell (2014), Serial Rabbit V: The Epic Hunt (2017), and Bunnyman Vengeance (2017). There’s probably more, but you’ll have to…hunt…for them. Heh.

Achoura

ACHOURA (2019)
“Four kids have fun at frightening one another and decide to go explore a condemned and probably haunted house. One of them disappears in mysterious circumstances. The three survivors try to forget, until Samir reappears 25 years later. The group will eventually have to confront the past.”

I didn’t know what Achoura was, so I clicked it up. It’s a Moroccan religious celebration where children splash water on each other. Way to ruin playtime in a backyard pool with religion, Morocco. 

Horror Household, Elevator Sharks, Funny Zombies

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Addams Family

The Addams Family started out as syndicated cartoon (1938), then a massively popular TV series (1964), an animated cartoon (1973), a TV film (1977), a second animated series (1992 — 1993), two big screen films (1991/1993), a touring theatre play (2017), a video game series, academic books, and soundtracks based around its Grammy-nominated theme song. Now the eccentrically macabre family gets yet another reboot as The Addams Family, a big-budget animated movie coming out October 18, 2019. To this date, my family has done none of the above.

The Addams Family

Here’s the plot: “The family they faces off against a crafty reality TV host while also preparing for their extended family to arrive for a major celebration.”

The Addams Family

Lots of celebrity vocal cords are lending their verbal skillz to this one: “Charlize Theron will voice Morticia Addams and Oscar Isaac is voicing Gomez Addams, with Chloë Grace Moretz as Wednesday Addams. The cast also includes Finn Wolfhard as Pugsley Addams, Nick Kroll as Uncle Fester, Bette Midler as Grandmama, Allison Janney as Margaux Needler, and Elsie Fisher as Parker Needler, the daughter of Margaux.

Chole Grace Moretz

Chloë Grace Moretz, who voices Wednesday Addams, has in her vast acting resume, played a doomed kid in a haunted house (The Amityville Horror/2005), a vampire (Let Me In/2010), a werewolf (Dark Shadows/2012), a telekinetic prom queen (Carrie/2013), a mini superhero (Kick-Ass/2010, Kick-Ass 2/2013), and a freedom fighter defending Earth from aliens (The 5th Wave/2016). I hereby nominate her for an Academy Award for being awesome. 

Here’s a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as awesome as Chloë Grace Moretz

The Silence

THE SILENCE (April 10, 2019/Netflix™)
“When the world is under attack from terrifying creatures who hunt their human prey by sound, 16-year old Ally Andrews, who lost her hearing at 13, and her family seek refuge in a remote haven. But they discover a sinister cult who are eager to exploit Ally’s heightened senses.”

Wasn’t the idea of creatures hunting people animals by sound the premise of A Quiet Place (2018)? I can hear a lawsuit in the distance.  

The Dead Don't Die

THE DEAD DON’T DIE (June 14, 2019)
The Dead Don’t Die is an upcoming American zombie horror comedy film, written and directed by Jim Jarmusch. It stars Adam Driver, Bill Murray, Selena Gomez, Chloë Sevigny, Steve Buscemi, Austin Butler, Tilda Swinton, Tom Waits, and Caleb Landry Jones.”

No plot just yet, but you could probably figure it out. It’s also being billed as “the greatest zombie cast ever disassembled.” That’s pretty dang funny.

47 Meters Down: Uncaged

47 METERS DOWN: UNCAGED (August 16, 2019)
“Four teens diving in a ruined underwater city quickly find themselves in a watery hell as their adventure turns to horror when they learn they are not alone in the submerged caves. As they swim deeper into the claustrophobic labyrinth of caves they enter the territory of the deadliest shark species in the ocean.”

The above art is actually a screen grab of an elevator in Vegas, which is a clever new way to advertise a movie. (There’s also a hilarious Child’s Play elevator as well.) I bet the elevator only goes down. 47 meters, is what I’m thinkin’.

Annabelle Comes_Home

ANNABELLE COMES HOME (June 28, 2019)
“Determined to keep Annabelle from wreaking more havoc, demonologists Ed and Lorraine Warren bring the possessed doll to the locked artifacts room in their home, placing her ‘safely’ behind sacred glass and enlisting a priest’s holy blessing. But an unholy night of horror awaits as Annabelle awakens the evil spirits in the room, who all set their sights on a new target — the Warrens’ ten-year-old daughter, Judy, and her friends.”

Think we just found Chucky a new girlfriend.

Ghosts That Don’t Know They’re Ghosts

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Ghosts, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 30, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Others

Her husband went away to war (version 2.0), leaving the icy Nicole Kidman to care for her bratty-ass kids, both of whom just happen to be sunshine-intolerant. Like vampires, they’ll go up like an unattended campfire hot dog if exposed to daylight. Sounds yummy.

The Others

But they don’t call ’em vampires; they simply state the kids are “photo-sensitive. They live in a spooky-ass house with more rooms than a Vegas hotel, and all the curtains have to be closed so the kids don’t fry like unattended bacon in a microwave.

The Others

For some reason, the help has run off without collecting their paychecks. So new housekeepers show up, then the scary fun starts — sort of. There are people in the house who don’t belong there, opening and closing doors, playing the piano, stomping on the floors as if members of the Bigfoot Ballet.

The Others

The mystery deepens when Kidman discovers old photographs of the house’s previous tenants, all of whom had their picture taken after they were dead. Then someone takes all the curtains down. A few chills, but nothing to get your goose bumps riled up about. Kidman is Hollywood gorgeous and suitably gooned out, but its her mouthy kids that oddly provide most of the entertainment.

The Others

At this point you should be able to figure out the ending. If not, then you need to watch Burnt Offerings, a 1976 classic haunted house flick that The Others (2001) borrows bare nakedly from.

Classic Ghosts, Pig Men, The Revenge of Clams

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 30, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

It: Chapter 2

While it doesn’t come out until September of 2019 (that sounds so Back To The Future), It: Chapter 2 already has some key art, though I’d imagine there’s going to be a stack of ‘em as we get closer to the mega-successful first film’s sequel.

It: Chapter 2

I’ll concede these look fan-made, but man, I’m drooling uncontrollably for this one to come out as the first one was downright wicked badass cool.

Back To The Future

While you work on your Back To The Future time-traveling car to see the movie before anyone else, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you uncontrollably drool…

The Haunting of Hill House

THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE (October 12, 2018/Netflix™)
“A modern re-imagining of Shirley Jackson‘s iconic 1959 novel, The Haunting of Hill House, explores a group of siblings who, as children, grew up in what would go on to become the most famous haunted house in the country. Now adults, and forced back together in the face of tragedy, the family must finally confront the ghosts of their past — some of which still lurk in their minds while others may actually be stalking the shadows of Hill House.”

If you’re writing this on your face with an indelible ink pen, the book was adapted to film form a couple ‘o times, once in 1963 and 36 years later in 1999, both titled The Haunting. (The 1963 version was cooler.) Wonder why ghosts always haunt places called Hill House? Guess that seems more spooky than The Haunting of Hill Condominiums or Haunted Hill Townhouses & Golf Course.

Wild Boar

WILD BOAR (2018)
“A small group of treasure seekers, also known as ‘Geocachers’, trek into to the desert to conquer a Geocache ‘Challenge’. Out in the wild they stumble upon a forbidden world flooded with radiation and inhabited by a race of bloodthirsty mutants who have evolved from pigs. They soon find themselves in a world where they are the prey and swine are the predators.”

Pg Man

Evolved from pigs. I’ve heard that uttered in my direction at an all-you-can-eat $4.99 buffet more than a few times. For a more palatable version of a Pig Man, look no further than The Island of Dr. Moreau (1977 version). He kinda looks like someone’s pension drunk uncle.

School's Out

SCHOOL’S OUT (aka, L’Heuer de la Sortie/2018)
Pierre Hoffman is a substitute form tutor, brought in after his predecessor commits suicide by throwing himself out of the classroom window in front of his teenage students. Hoffman finds that six of his new students seem strangely indifferent to what they witnessed and as time goes on he observes that this small, tight-knit group exerts a strange sinister influence over the rest of the school. He becomes obsessed with the group, who are unusually smart and precocious, discovering it is united by a dark vision of a doomed future and contempt for adults. This obsession turns into terror when he discovers their ultimate, extreme and dangerous goal.”

So a teacher jumps out a classroom window? I bet someone said, you fly, I’ll buy.” Wonder how many times Superman’s fallen (heh) for that one? P.S. Resist the urge to confuse this with the same named craptacular 1999 movie.

The Swarm

THE SWARM (in production/2019)
Whales begin sinking ships. Toxic, eyeless crabs poison Long Island’s water supply. The North Sea shelf collapses, killing thousands in Europe. Around the world, countries are beginning to feel the effects of the ocean’s revenge as the seas and their inhabitants begin a violent revolution against mankind. At stake is the survival of the Earth’s fragile ecology — and ultimately, the survival of the human race itself.”

This one is to be a sci-fi TV series and sounds binge-watchingly delightful, what with fish ‘n friends sucker-punching humananity. I bet Flipper is behind this aquatic uprising. Like I’ve always said, never trust a talking dolphin.

Vinyl Horror, Mix ’n Match Predators, Slaves To Evil

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 3, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mystery Minis

If you have some loose bus change totaling $169.99 jingling around in your britches, you may want to click on over to HouseofMysteriousSecrets.com to pre-order their case set of miniature vinyl horror movie icons to put on various shelves and/or tabletops in the place you change (and hopefully wash) said britches.

Mystery Minis

Each of these cooler than heck collectibles is 3 1/4” tall and are bendable into different poses. For instance, the possessed Regan doll (The Exorcist/1973) could be bent over to reenact projective vomiting. Other characters include multiple versions of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Pennywise (1990 version). These dolls can be purchased separately, but why? Pre-order all of ‘em now as they’re arriving July, 2018. 

And while you’re clearing your shelves of unread books/plastic bowling trophies to make room for ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be collectible…

Pred4tor

PRED4TOR (2018)
“From the outer reaches of space to the small-town streets of suburbia, the hunt comes home in Shane Black’s explosive reinvention of the Predator series. Now, the universe’s most lethal hunters are stronger, smarter and deadlier than ever before, having genetically upgraded themselves with DNA from other species. When a young boy accidentally triggers their return to Earth, only a ragtag crew of ex-soldiers and a disgruntled science teacher can prevent the end of the human race.”

Already e-blogged about this prior, though I can’t recall when as I’ve been distracted by…pizza. So this is the latest key art and official plot — Predators swapping DNA spit in the shower with other species. You have my attention. Note to Predators: If it doesn’t involve probing or the touching of the swimsuit area, I would like to be genetically-upgraded so that I, too, may join your social club.

The Dark

THE DARK (2018)
Undead and hating it, young flesh-eater Mina haunts the woods surrounding her childhood home. When she befriends a physically abused boy, she must figure out why, for once, she isn’t feeling homicidal.”

Interesting spin on the zombie theme. I bet Mina eats the abused boy’s parents. And I hope she burps/farts as loud as the horns of humanity after finishing her meal. Parents or others who abuse kids should get even worse punishment than being digested and crapped out by a zombie.

Threshold

THRESHOLD (2018)
“A group of graduating college seniors find themselves stuck in the spooky residence of the college President after a graduation party. The house changes as they move through it, no passage leading the same way twice. They soon discover the house is a labyrinth, and at its center is an ancient monster of mythology. As they are eaten one by one, they learn they are part of a ritual and must find their way out of the house by solving the maze if they are going to survive.”

It’s said that Threshold’s monster is a Minotaur, a creature half man, half bull. So does he sleep in a bed or a barn? I bet he’d be king of the rodeo at those county fair bull-riding contests.

Satan's Slaves

SATAN’S SLAVES (2017/Indonesia – 2018/US)
“A record-breaking box-office hit upon release, Joko Anwar’s affectionate remake of 1980’s Pengabdi Setan is one of horror cinema’s recent triumphs: an atmospheric, expertly-shot roller-coaster ride of a haunted house film, inspired as much by Indonesian folklore as by retro genre classics.”

Slashfilm.com has this to say about that: “A Quiet Place and Hereditary have already been dubbed 2018’s scariest films to beat, but you can add Satan’s Slaves to that list now – the most horrifying film of 2018 you haven’t heard of yet.” With that kind of endorsement, it kinda makes your mouth start slobbering all on its own. Better wear a plastic shirt (and possibly pants) when I go see it. Heck, might as well buy a wet suit.

Xeroxed Haunted House

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

7 Days To Live

Whoever wrote The Shining (1980) should be going after the filmmakers of 7 Days To Live (2001), a connect-the-dots horror formula rip-off.

7 Days To Live

A novelist and his wife buy a patently haunted mansion in a countryside marsh to put their grieving behind them after their son ate a bee and choked to death. (He should’ve put some butter or salt on it first.) The house has a dubious history — 20 years earlier a man killed his wife in there and let the body sit in front of the TV for a week before the authorities went to investigate their electric bill.

7 Days To Live

The house, it seems, has a way of finding out your deepest fear, then smacking you in the forehead with it. In this case, the wife getting tell-tale signs that she’s going to die in seven days. All the while, her writer husband is doing a second-rate Shining knock-off with mood swings so wild he could be a circus ride.

7 Days To Live

After noting her bent hubby’s excessive use of four-letter words, the freaked wife investigates the house’s f’d up past and discovers the place is built on a giant graveyard. (Yeah, like graveyards are believable.) Then her dead kid comes back to hit her up for allowance. Then her husband gives her a head butt (which was right up there with any finishing move you’d see in a WWE™ pay-per-view). Then mud ghosts come out of the marsh seeping into the basement. (That’ll happen when you leave the DOOR OPEN.)

7 Days To Live

Then you get bored because there’s too much talking and not enough bleeding. Cheese Whizhaunted house fare with a dorkball ending — the husband and wife write a best seller about their experiences. Amityville Horror (1979) been there, done that. If you have seven days to live, don’t waste 90-minutes of it watching this photocopied ass jamboree.

Hellish Rock Stars, Gun Ghosts, Sequel Sharks

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Guitar Teacher From Hell

Clicked across this one while surfing for YET ANOTHER  black t-shirt to buy. Guitarist Acey Slade has created his own comic book series, Guitar Teacher From Hell ($4.99 for the printed comic/$1.99 for a digital download, which can be exchanged for money by clicking HERE). It’s so cool, I have to have it because I don’t know why.

From the press release: “Learning to play guitar is tough for everyone, but for 15-year-old Cory Conners it’s going to be Hell. Follow the torment as Cory learns how to play through legendary rock star guests hosted by Acey Slade who has teamed up with independent cartoonist Steven Reardon Jr. to create Guitar Teacher From Hell, a comic book series that plays on Faustian mythology portrayed in a dark comedy fantasy about the obsession young people have towards learning how to play the guitar.”

Acey Slade

Should probably get this now as I’ve been playing guitar for a number of years, though my neighbors think I only know how to play Iron Maiden, KISS and Black Sabbath. (Not all their songs, just one from each.)

Acey’s resume is a chart-topper: “Slade’s resume includes Rock & Roll Hall of Fame-inducted Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. In addition he has worked  with Misfits, Murderdolls and Dope. As a writer and producer, he has worked along side Earl Cohen (Lady Gaga/Jessica Simpson), Tom Camuso (Lenny Kravitz/DJ Logic/Ect). A New York-based musician with homes in Los Angeles and Taipei, Acey Slade has also been DJing and producing rock, hard rock, punk and pop for bands around the globe. He has engaged audiences with guitar clinics worldwide trekking from Moscow to Dallas. Other associated acts include: Trashlight Vision, Billy Liar, Amen, Rachel Lorin and Vampire Love Dolls.”

AND he has tattoos. I do, too, but mine come off in the shower. While I learn how to keep that from happening, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not permanently imprint themselves on your mind…

Blood Harvest

BLOOD HARVEST (November 21, 2017)
“A rural village is terrorized by an evil force that drains the blood from its victims. A discredited police detective, who believes the killings are the work of vampires, must team up with his former partner to uncover the truth.”

Vampires or discount doctors. Either or, the plot seems stock and played. What if the vampires were doctors? I would love to call my health insurance and go, “Yeah, I need to schedule a DAYTIME appointment with Dr. Vampire…” In addition to questionable medial practices/advice, it’d be cool if he/she could sell t-shirts in the waiting room with the kicker line: “Lose Blood Now — Ask Me How.”

Dawning of the Dead

DAWNING OF THE DEAD (December 5, 2017/VOD)
“While a virus that causes the dead to reanimate brings the world to its knees, the scientist responsible entrusts his cataclysmic findings to Katya Nevin, a troubled ex-war correspondent turned anchor-woman at W.W News. While she and the rest of her crew witness the collapse of society via video feeds from around the globe, a deadly special agent climbs the building floor by floor, his only goal to ensure her silence. Armed only with information and an indomitable will to live, Katya must overcome her crippling anxiety and learn to lead in order to make it out of the studio and into a terrifying new world where only the dead survive.”

There isn’t one thing original about this movie, which has been my major point of contention with the unending regurgitation of zombie movies. Wanna do something cool with zombies for a change? Start with set-in-Africa The Dead (2010) and/or South Korea’s Train To Busan (2016) and we’ll discuss.

Winchester: The House That Ghosts Built

WINCHESTER: THE HOUSE THAT GHOSTS BUILT (February 2, 2018)
“Inspired by true events. On an isolated stretch of land 50 miles outside of San Francisco sits the most haunted house in the world. Built by Sarah Winchester, heiress to the Winchester fortune, it is a house that knows no end. Constructed in an incessant twenty-four hour a day, seven day a week mania for decades, it stands seven stories tall and contains hundreds of rooms. To the outsider it looks like a monstrous monument to a disturbed woman’s madness. But Sarah is not building for herself, for her niece or for the brilliant Dr. Eric Price whom she has summoned to the house. She is building a prison, an asylum for hundreds of vengeful ghosts, and the most terrifying among them have a score to settle with the Winchesters.”

Great kicker line: “Terror is Building.” This house and its history actually exists. I wrote about it exactly one year to the day. Didn’t plan it that way, but I should be somehow rewarded, either with bit coins and/or candy. Can’t wait for this movie, even though its been done — poorly — a while back (i.e., Haunting of Winchester House/2009). Let’s hope they don’t suck the life out of this  ghost story. (Okay, that was funny.)

Deep Blue Sea 2

DEEP BLUE SEA 2 (2017/2018)
Dr. Klaus Van Etten experiments on bull sharks, much to the chagrin of Misty and her team of marine experts. The sharks get out and all hell breaks loose.”

That’s pretty much the same plot as Deep Blue Sea (1999), except Dr. Susan McAlester experimented on great white sharks that became mega aggressive/hungry and ate humans like they were peanut butter and jellyfish sandwiches.