Archive for haunted house

Fingernail Monsters, Rubber Killers, Haunted Pancakes

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Georgetown Morgue

Lots of towns across the classroom map have annual charity haunted house events during the Halloween cash-in season. But Seattle, where I stash my empties, has a haunted morgue. Specifically, the Georgetown Morgue, a once refrigerated storage place to prep and primp corpses, in thriving business from 1928 to 1983. It’s since been turned into an extremely popular (and expensive) haunted house attraction every late September/early November.

What else makes this place so legendary cool is that it’s right next door to Hudson, a tiny breakfast/lunch/dinner/drinketeria, that’s so popular for its legendary pancakes (thicker than the plates they’re served on), if you don’t get there early, you’ll end up waiting in a line that stretches right to the Georgetown Morgue. The irony being that if you eat enough of those highly addictive chunky monkey pancakes, you’ll eventually end up in the morgue. (Blame the whole sticks of butter and overflowing quarts of syrup that come with each meal.)

Hudson

The 2017 Georgetown Morgue Halloween schedule starts September 22 and runs through November 4. Standard nights will set you back a spooky $33.00 (Sunday through Thursday) and an adjusted value of $43.00 for prime Fridays and Saturdays — and that’s the VIP speedy line. (FYI: this will get you nine pancakes at Hudson — tip extra.)

While you wait in line to get in both the Georgetown Morgue and Hudson, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to help keep your appetite for butter batter and syrup buckets full…

Clawed

CLAWED (available now)
“Annie, a college student travels to the rugged backwoods of Montana to the home of legendary lawman Sheriff Randell Reynolds, where she will interview him for her paranormal podcast. The ex-lawman gives her a first-hand account of the horrific events known throughout the region as the notorious Montana Bear Claw Massacre.”

This one was earlier/tentatively titled, Sludge. Gotta say, there’s something very satisfying about that word. Maybe because it can be applied to a variety of social situations/church services. So do they come up against a giant donut (Bear Claw, get it?) Doing battle with a monstrous pastry in the woods seems like it’d be pretty cool. I’m totally gonna try it.

Cult of Chucky

CULT OF CHUCKY (October 3, 2017/VOD/DVD)
Confined to an asylum for the criminally insane for the past four years, Nica Pierce is erroneously convinced that she, not Chucky, murdered her entire family. But when her psychiatrist introduces a new therapeutic “tool” to facilitate his patients’ group sessions — an all-too-familiar ‘Good Guy’ doll with an innocently smiling face — a string of grisly deaths begins to plague the asylum, and Nica starts to wonder if maybe she isn’t crazy after all.

Child's Play

Andy Barclay, Chucky’s now-grown-up nemesis from the original Child’s Play, races to Nica’s aid. But to save her he’ll have to get past Tiffany, Chucky’s long-ago bride, who will do anything, no matter how deadly or depraved, to help her beloved devil doll.”

Man, they’ve milked this cow hard. The first Child’s Play movie came out in 1988 — and now nearly 30 years and six sequels later, we’re still wondering how this happened. It’s like that joke you heard in elementary school that you keep repeating in bars/cocktail lounges as an adult. (Okay, guilty as charged. But dang, if the joke about the guy stumbling into a joke writer’s convention still kills me. If you don’t know how it goes, happy to re-tell it for the one millionth time.)

FOUND FOOTAGE 3D (October 26, 2017/Shudder)
“A group of low-budget filmmakers sets out to make ‘the first 3D found footage horror film,’ but find themselves in the first 3D found footage horror film when the evil entity from their movie escapes into their behind-the-scenes footage.”

You knew it was gonna end up this way. The karaoke of consumer-made “horror movies,” found footage has become such a painful joke, they’re gonna make you wear stupid cardboard “3D” glasses to watch their stupid concept. If the evil entity was smart, it’d not only escape the movie, but get on the next Bolt™ bus outta town.

Claws

CLAWS (2017)
Not to be confused with the 1977 nature-gone-wild horror movie or TV series that I won’t watch of the same name. That said, AMP Entertainment posted a developMENTAL trailer on YouTube™ back in April of 2014. Lost track of it since, until I recently stumbled right over it on the Internet of all places. Now it’s supposed to come out Christmas of 2017, which is like Halloween for Christians.

Claws

As the story goes a young kid, hiding behind the Christmas tree in hopes of discovering Santa’s secret identity (Saint Nick’s more of a home invasion kind of guy), watches as a “something” slaughters his family right before his peepers. Is it that super mean Krampus dude? Is it a holiday monster with some sort of “claw” instead of gift-wrapping fingers? Whatever the case, it didn’t take the cookies and milk that were left out, which means it’s more of a fresh meat fella. Have to wait a few more weeks to find out.

Horror Games, Sex Games, Ghost Games

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Kingo

Iconic horror author Stephen King is on a hot streak these days, what with a pile of his word books being adapted into movies/remakes (Dark Tower, Gerald’s Game, It) and TV shows (Mr. Mercedes). Heck, even his public Twitter™ war with the President is some of his best work yet.

So leave it up to the clever smarty smarts at Pink Smoke to use this to create Kingo — a Stephen King-themed bingo game. They picked out 24 of the most common tropes/themes/character types found in King’s stories and turned them into the spots on a custom-made Bingo card. Neat!

From the press release: “It’s just like regular BINGO. When you watch a Stephen King film adaptation, TV movie or mini-series, just check-off that trope as it appears. For example: Mary Lambert’s 1989 film of Pet Sematary hits 10 tropes, with a straight line down the middle. That’s a KINGO!”

Coincidentally, “Kingo!” is what I shout out after every Budweiser™ I check off. You can download the Kingo card and play at home. While you’re doing that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be adapted into Scrabble™…

Ghost Witch

GHOST WITCH (available now)
“Based on true events. Mattie enlists a group of paranormal investigators to spend the night at the haunted house where she was attacked by an angry spirit as a child, and where a Native American girl was brutally murdered two centuries ago. Once there, they are stalked and possessed as the truth about what happened there is revealed, as they all become unwilling participants in the ghost witch’s plan for vengeance.”

A witch that’s also a ghost? Now that’s some slick multitasking. The plot seems somewhat stock, but hey, when you have angry spirits, what can go wrong?

Gerald's GameGERALD’S GAME (September 29, 2017/Netflix™)“When a harmless sex game between a married couple in a remote retreat suddenly becomes a harrowing fight for survival, wife Jessie must confront long-buried demons within her own mind — and possibly lurking in the shadows of her seemingly empty house. Among those she confronts are ghosts from her past and a rabid dog.”

Yep, Stephen King’s 332 page novel about “harmless” sex games and a rabid dog is now a movie. We already know the sex leads to the accidental death of the wife’s hubbie after he handcuffs her to the bed. Oops! Enter Foamy, the rabid dog. (Actually, the dog’s name is Prince, though it should be Cujo.)

Downrange

DOWNRANGE (2017/2018)
“Six college students are carpooling cross-country when one of their tires blows out on a desolate stretch of country road. Getting out to fix the flat, they quickly discover that this was no accident — the tire was shot out. With their vehicle incapacitated, the group is pinned down and mercilessly attacked by an unseen assailant as they desperately attempt to find a way to escape.”

A cross country road trip with no spare tires? College students be so dumb. As for the unseen assailant, there are better targets, like those graboid worm monsters from Tremors (1990) that come out of the desert dirt, looking to consume unseen assailants.

Doll Murder Spree

DOLL MURDER SPREE (2018)
“A group of college students join their teacher for a weekend of filming for extra credit. Documenting the local Hell House that’s haunted by the family who were murdered there. Little do they know they would be trying to survive the night.”

I repeat, college students be so dumb. Add this one to the growing list of doll horror movies, a genre that seems to be so dumb. As for the tired plot, it must’ve been written by a college student.

Chinese Spider-Men, Canadian Zombies, Norway Mutants

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Been endlessly fascinated by foreign country poster versions of U.S. made movies, in particular, horror/sci-fi/fantasy/bromance comedies. Came across three Spider-Man: Homecoming key art renditions made in China. Pretty funny stuff, especially the one of Spider-Man riding a horse. I don’t know why, but that cracks me up. Got me thinking — wonder if there’s a foreign movie poster of, say, Iron Man pulling a rikshaw through downtown Thailand?

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Whilst I go rummaging through the Internet to find one, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies with plain old boring graphics…

Dementia 13

DEMENTIA 13 (October 6, 2017/Limited — October 10/VOD)
“An old-money family is still dealing with the death of its youngest daughter several years later. While honoring the daughter’s death, a long con, an ax-wielding serial killer, and a vengeful ghost all coalesce in the same night to target the family. Everyone in the family has a secret, nobody wants to face what they did, and for someone to survive, the truth needs to come out — sooner than later.”

Dementia 13

This is a re-boot of 1963’s Dementia 13. The actors in the new one are probably wearing more modern footwear, though. Always loved the title. I personally got through the first 12 steps of dementia, but never quite made it one more step. Probably should go on another bender to open that door.

Les Affames

LES AFFAMÉS (2017/2018)
In a small, remote village in upstate Quebec, things have changed. Locals are not the same anymore — their bodies are breaking down and they developed an outlandish attraction for flesh.

A French-Canadian zombie movie. Wonder if the flesh tastes like back bacon? I consulted the Big Book of Word Barf (i.e., Google Translate™) to get the English pronounceable version: The Hungry. Meh.

Thelma

THELMA (November 10, 2017)
“A college student starts to experience extreme seizures while studying at a university in Oslo, Norway. As it becomes clearer that the seizures are a symptom of inexplicable, often dangerous, supernatural abilities, Thelma is confronted with tragic secrets of her past, and the terrifying implications of her powers.

Sounds like Carrie Goes To College. I wonder if her condition is from eating seizure salads in the school lunch room?

Insidious: The Last Key

INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY (January 5, 2018)
Dr. Elise Rainier, the brilliant parapsychologist, faces her most fearsome and personal haunting yet: in her own family home.”

I watched the first three Insidious movies, so guess I’ll have to watch this one, too, just to see how they tie things up. As demonic possession ghost stories go, though, they’re all quite bland, or “meh.”

Witches, Werewolves, Cross Dressing Halloween

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Giant Freddy Glove

Mark Phillips, who runs prop-making company Nightmares Unlimited, made a four-foot tall/long version of Freddy Krueger’s famous blade-fingered glove, which will be featured at the upcoming ScareFest as part of a special photo-op with Robert Englund (aka, Freddy), running September 29th through October 1st in Lexington, KY. Fewer things in life are as cool.

I’ll tell you what’s not cool, though — proctology exams that feel like the doctor is wearing a four-foot tall/long version of Freddy Krueger’s famous blade-fingered glove.

And speaking of ridiculously uncomfortable experiences, here are a few upcoming horror and movies that may or may not make you feel like you’re being double-parked by a really mean sock puppet…

Witch Hunt

WITCH HUNT (available now)
“A Catholic priest questions his faith after a botched exorcism. An unknown association hires a brother/sister team of Bosnian witch hunters/inquisitors to exterminate the ‘problems’ the town has been experiencing.”

Catholic priests should really look into outsourcing as they don’t have too good a track record for demonic purging. Heck, I’ll do it for slightly less than the going rate. E-mail me for a obligation-free price quote.

The Houses October Built 2

THE HOUSES OCTOBER BUILT 2 (September 22, 2017)
“The new pic picks up the five haunted-house enthusiast friends still trying to recover from the trauma of being kidnapped last Halloween by the Blue Skeleton — a group who takes ‘extreme haunt’ to another level. They decide to face their fears in order to move on and go back out on the road to find more haunted houses, but signs of the Blue Skeleton start appearing again.”

Got bored with the first one (it came out in 2014) and only watched 20 minutes of it. So with the release of the sequel, I’ll get advice from my life coach as to whether or not to go back and watch the remaining 71.

Boo! Two

BOO! TWO — A MADEA HALLOWEEN (October 20, 2017)
Madea, Bam, and Hattie venture to a haunted campground and the group must literally run for their lives when monsters, goblins, and the boogeyman are unleashed.”

Is it just me or does Madea look like a dude dressed up as a woman? While I let that roll around in the gumball machine that is my head, full disclosure: I never saw Boo! (2016), either. Unless it’s Bruce Campbell, I’m not a fan of slapstick horror. (I’m looking in your direction, Fear of the Walking Dead.)

Fang

FANG (in production)
“After participating in a robbery-turned-murder, Chloe and Joe decided to hide out at a distant relative’s house only to find themselves stalked and hunted by creatures and forces unknown.”

The creatures are not unknown as they put ‘em right on the key art — they’re WEREWOLVES! About time, as we’ve been overdue for a good werewolf romp. Until this one gets here, try Howl (2015). In that one a rural bound British commuter train is beset (sorry — word of the day calendar) upon by fuzzy monsters that turn the stalled train’s passengers into buttsteak and kidney pies.

Demonic Possession, Foreign Weather, Avocados

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

American Guinea Pig: The Song of Solomon

Watching a bunch of haunted house documentaries on YouTube™. Loving the footage of alleged paranormal activity. Every time I pick up a camera, all I get are blurry pics of UFOs and Bigfoot. No photos of ghosts, though as I’m not too keen on wandering around houses that are reputed to be haunted. I hear there are poltergeists in a lot of ‘em. And that pretty much goons me out.

Speaking of not-so-scary things, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not make your vision go blurry…

AMERICAN GUINEA PIG: THE SONG OF SOLOMON (pending crowd-funding)
Mary witnesses the brutal suicide of her father. His death unleashes the savage forces of demonic possession in her. The End of Days is upon the world, famine, drought, looting and chaos is ripping the world apart and the Catholic Church is trying to save an innocent soul from the ravages of satanic possession. Wave after wave of holy men are sent to confront the possessed. The Song of Solomon’s true nature is to unleash an evil the world has been waiting for since the beginning of time.”

And to think all Mary’s father had to do to keep all this from happening was to call the Suicide Hotline. (And for those considering the chickensh*t way out, you might wanna make the call: 1-800-273-8255.) That aside, I do like the line, “Wave after wave of holy men are sent to confront the possessed.” Sounds like security at a Liverpool vs. Manchester United football match.

Lake of Shadows: The Legend of Avocado Lake

LAKE OF SHADOWS: THE LEGEND OF AVOCADO LAKE (pending crowd-funding)
“Three aspiring filmmakers venture to a mysterious lake resort to uncover a story on a local legend. As they get closer to the truth, the danger follows. Before they know it they are thrust into a fight for their lives and the truth about Avocado Lake. Based on true cases.”

Yes, avocados are true. I’ve seen them. They look like alien dinosaur eggs filled with some sort of green mush. As for the legend in the lake, it’s not a spoiler to tell you it’s a man-eating monster fish. If you didn’t already know that, like a five day old avocado, you’ve just been spoiled.

The Rain

THE RAIN (2018/Netflix)
“Set after a devastating biological catastrophe, the world as we know it has ended. Six years after a brutal virus wiped out almost all humans in Scandinavia, two siblings join a group of young survivors set out to find out whether a new world has begun somewhere else.”

A new foreign (Danish) horror series by movie streaming giant, Netflix™. For another really good horror series from a different country than the one I’m being over-taxed in, try The Returned (2015). It’s French, sub-titled and très bien.

Housewife

HOUSEWIFE (2018)
“Holly’s mother murdered her sister and father when she was seven. 20 years later and slowly losing her grip on the difference between reality and nightmares, she runs into a celebrity psychic who claims that he is destined to help her.”

I went to a psychic once. After handing her $20, she divined there would be a need for me to drink a beer in the near future. That I was drinking a beer at the time while fuming over losing the crazy cool Troll doll at the carnival’s ring toss, had nothing to do with it. I believed her and mere minutes later, I was drinking YET ANOTHER beer. Uncanny, true and thus money well spent. P.S. Screw you, rigged ring toss.

Death Notes, Punk Rock, Bigfoot, The X-Files

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills

YouTube™ is such a glorious wasteland of video treasures. Why, if it weren’t for YT, I’d have never known about all those alien bases and artifacts on the Moon. And all those haunted house “documentaries”? Yep, full of real ghosts that you can talk to.

Don’t get me started on all the Bigfoot videos, though. I love seeing my favorite furry friend on TV (I don’t go into the woods — too many icky bugs live there), but people, you need to give him a break. The poor guy can’t even scratch his swimsuit area and smelling his fingers without someone filming it and uploading the footage for the entire world to see. Embarrassing doesn’t begin to decribe the blatant invasion of privacy.

Speaking of things that should or shouldn’t be seen, here’s some upcoming horror vids to full your tube with…

BEACH MASSACRE AT KILL DEVIL HILLS (2017/summer)
“When Stacy’s abusive ex-husband Jason gets out of prison, she decides to take their daughter Lizzie and her four best friends to her parents beach house. Soon their peaceful plans turn into a nightmare. Who will survive the night?”

Extremely clunky title. How dare they do this to me/you/us/they? And Lizzie has four best friends? Probably not for long by the looks of the movie’s ad poster.

The Rangers

THE RANGER (2017/2018)
“A group of teen punks who get in trouble with the cops. The punks escape to the woods to hide out where they come up against the local authority, an unhinged park ranger with an axe to grind, hell-bent on preserving the serenity of his forest.”

Punk rockers in the woods? Dumb maneuver — if they would’ve gone to the mall, they’d blend in and basically become invisible. Who knew Hot Topics™ could be good for something other than dressing teens in over-priced Goth crap?

Death Note: Light Up The New World

DEATH NOTE: LIGHT UP THE NEW WORLD (2017)
“Set ten years after the events of the previous films, society is afflicted with cyber-terrorism and six different Death Notes have fallen to the human world. In the midst of this two new individuals inherit the DNA of Light Yagami and L, both of who play a deadly game of cat-and-mouse once again.”

This actually came out in Japan in October of 2016, but we’re still waiting for it to knock on our video doors. Maybe it already has. I’ve been busy and didn’t really double-check. I’ve seen the first Death Note (2006) movie; Pretty wild stuff. It revolves around a book that, when someone scribbles a name in it, that person becomes scribbled…to death. While it plays more like a crime mystery, there’s a really freaky punk glam creature that only the holder of the Death Note book can see, who floats around you while you’re trying to grocery shop and/or planning on who to scribble next.

The X-Files

THE X-FILES (2018)
Agents Muldar and Scully are back for another season (#11) — 10 episodes instead of the six we got last year, which had to cram in way too much stuff to catch everybody up to speed, thereby making that season a hot mess. Still, I’m a huge X-Files fan and am giddy at the thought of another season. I hope they add more flying saucers — those things are cool.

Punk Ghosts, Bear Traps and Real Werewolves

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Teenage Ghost Punk

Been making a few videos to post on my new YouTube™ Channel. Three are promo clips for this here blog thingie and one is about UFOs, which are REAL by the way. Click HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE to be dazzled by the visuals.

While I’m on the subject, here are some brand new and upcoming horror visuals to rub your eyes on…

TEENAGE GHOST PUNK (available now)
Life changes for a cheerleader named Amanda when her family moves to an old Victorian house outside Chicago. Weird things happen in the new house: knocking sounds, strange guitar riffs in the rain and unexplained messes. A quirky medium and a bumbling paranormal investigation team search for answers but are scared away an unseen force.”

Sounds like my apartment, except I’m not a ghost (yet). When I play my guitar, the neighbors like it so much, they pound on the wall to keep time with my music. I’d like my neighbors if I didn’t hate them so much.

Dark Signal

DARK SIGNAL (June 2, 2017)
Deep in the heart of the isolated Welsh valleys, an eerie hush spreads throughout the deserted wilds. On lookout for her boyfriend and left trembling in the middle of a secluded forest, she quickly realizes she is not alone. With her is the vengeful spirit of a murdered girl.

And this is why I don’t go wandering around Welsh valleys. I hear those things are loaded with vengeful spirits. (A ghost, not a bottle of mean booze, though that would make being lost less of a priority.)

Countrycide

COUNTRYCIDE (2017)
“A woman is lost, alone in the woods with a bear trap on her leg. It is a matter of survival as she must combat the elements, her pain and predators of both the two and four legged variety.”

Is this the same woman from the above paragraph? With a bear trap clamped on her leg, we probably won’t be seeing her any time soon on Dancing With The Stars.

Bonehill Road

BONEHILL ROAD (2017)
Bonehill Road is an homage to classic monster films like The Howling and An American Werewolf In London. In some ways, it is a throwback to the films we grew up with…the real horror movies that we all love so much, and in another way it is a modern horror flick that uses old school techniques, including Practical Monster Effects. NO CGI at all here. Our goal is to make an exciting, scary monster movie with some really cool werewolves.”

This is being crowd-funded as we speak. A few thoughts: Great title. Secondly, about flippin’ time we got a new werewolf movie. (The last good one I saw was Howl back in 2015.) And bonus points for making the werewolf real and not a sucky digital version. A computer-generated wolf-man is right up there with EDM on the suck scale.