Archive for The Shining

Future Fashion, Skin It To Win It, Cartoon Cryptid

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Escape From New York

Here’s one for the WTF Files — Sideshow Collectibles is selling an exact replica of the countdown watch Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) wore in the sci-fi classic, Escape From New York (1981). The Lifeclock One Snake Edition Smartwatch Prop Replica made by Ridgewood Watch Co. certainly paid attention to the details. But presumably the watch isn’t loaded with micro-explosives that will rupture your carotid arteries if you fail some sort of mission.

Snake Plissken

From the press release: “The Lifeclock one features a countdown, 22:59’:59” (Hartford Summit configuration only), standard and military time options, the ability to program up to 8 world clocks, display the date in 1 of 5 formats, stopwatch, 18 display animations and 8 character animations. With the app you can access the smartphone camera shutter release, push notifications of incoming and missed calls, voicemails, SMS & iMessage, app notifications (Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Pinterest, LinkedIn, and more to come). The activity monitor tracks steps independent of your smartphone. A customizable daily alarm is also included.”

Escape From New York

That’s a wrist-full. But here’s the real mind-blower — the oversized time piece, which doesn’t go with anything except combat spandex, is $399.00. If you’re so inclined to burn money, order yours by clicking HERE. If not, then here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not rupture your carotid arteries and/or combat spandex…

The Outer Wild

THE OUTER WILD (available now)
“In this post-apocalyptic frontier western, mankind has given way to a new breed of beast, mutated from man. The survivor Laura may be the cure to these mutations but she flees to save herself. Aided by a hunter sent to catch her, she braves the dangerous unnatural wilderness in order to find a fabled refuge of freedom — and only there will she discover the fate of humanity at the end of the world.”

Apparently, this came out in September of the lost year of 2018. I must’ve been doing my laundry and the darn thing went right over my boxed detergent. As for the fabled refuge of freedom, that may be what they call it in the Apocalypse. But in the here and now we call it “7-Eleven™”.

PERFECT SKIN (August 25, 2018/UK | 2019 U.S.)
“This independent British feature film explores tattooing and body modification, and follows Katia, a young Polish woman, and her relationship with a mysterious tattoo artist — taking a dark turn as her fascination with him grows.”

I find the only way to get perfect skin is to use Scrubbing Bubbles™ followed by a moisturizing coat of floor wax. Most brands do the trick. P.S. Don’t do that — you might bump into me and get it all over my KISS t-shirt.

The Intruder

THE INTRUDER (2018/2019)
“A young married couple buy a beautiful Napa Valley home only to find that the man they bought it from refuses to let go of the property…and he slowly terrorizes them.”

The trailer for this one is nut house and goes straight to crazy town. And if you look closely enough, you’ll see nods to The Shining (1980) and Psycho (1960). I proclaim that to be quite cool.

Missing Link

MISSING LINK (April 12, 2019)
Meet Mr. Link: 8 feet tall, 630 lbs, and covered in fur, but don’t let his appearance fool you…he is funny, sweet, and adorably literal, making him the world’s most lovable legend. Tired of living a solitary life in the Pacific Northwest, Mr. Link recruits fearless explorer Sir Lionel Frost to guide him on a journey to find his long-lost relatives in the fabled valley of Shangri-La. Along with adventurer Adelina Fortnight, our fearless trio of explorers encounter more than their fair share of peril as they travel to the far reaches of the world to help their new friend.”

Normally, I wouldn’t beer fever dream of putting up an animated family film for preview, but this one’s about Bigfoot, though they don’t call him that. (Mr. Link? Yeesh.) They also give away his weight. Good thing he’s a dude; if this was a female cryptid, cartoon or not, you’d likely get your face smashed in. A safer way to skirt (sorry) the weight issue is to just say, “Why, no — all that fur doesn’t make you look at all fat.”

Superhero Cheese, Sober Psychotics, Demonic Stuff

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Venom Cheese

As first reported by Bloody-Disgusting.com, the next time your in Jakarta, Indonesia, make sure the black goo covering your steak/burger/fries is the new Venom Cheese and not something that came out of a septic tank and/or a squatting stray animal out back.

Venom Cheese

Yep, Willie Brothers Steak & Cheese Restaurant (who the heck puts melted cheese instead of ketchup on steaks?) is paying homage to the upcoming Venom movie by making gooey black cheese to garnish their menu items. The black cheese is made of standardized mozzarella mixed with processed activated charcoal. To that I say double ick.

While you go brush your teeth because you just threw up a little, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not leave a black ring around your mouth…

The Mimic

THE MIMIC (June 12, 2018)
“The mother of a missing child takes in a lost girl she finds in the woods and soon begins to wonder if she is even human.”

This one came out in South Korea in August of 2017. I don’t remember that year on that old calendar I found out by the 7-Eleven™ dumpster. It is my fondest wish and dreams that you don’t confuse this Mimic with the same-titled sci-fi flick that came out in 1997. I don’t recall seeing that year on my FREE dumpster calendar as well. That said, I wish I was a mimic. Instead of turning from a creature into a human (already done that), or a creature that can turn into other creatures (done that, too), I’d totally try and get a job as an entertaining mime downtown in order to earn bus fare and/or a new calendar.

The Lighthouse

THE LIGHTHOUSE (July 6, 2018)
“Two men are trapped in an isolated lighthouse, surrounded by the deadly Irish sea, with both their minds ultimately pushed to the limits.”

Water, water everywhere, but not a drop of booze to drink. No wonder they’re being pushed to the limits. I guess rowing to the liquor store never crossed their damaged minds.

Darkness Reigns

DARKNESS REIGNS (July 10, 2018)
“A group of filmmakers shooting a movie in a reportedly haunted hotel are faced with an unfathomable demonic force that possesses and attacks both the crew and the film’s star. Will the film’s director be able to escape with the paranormal proof he has captured, or will he succumb to the hellish plans of the demon who has surfaced?”

Too bad they weren’t filming this in the haunted Overlook Hotel. Then they could call it, I don’t know, The Shining, or something along those lines, and post it on YouTube™ and get lots and lots of likes. Not for the generic title, though.

Extremity

EXTREMITY (2018)
Alison Bell is an emotionally troubled young woman who was once sexually assault by her father. Believing that confronting her trauma might be a means of exorcising her pain, she signs up for a trip to The Manor, in which the only certainty is the promised experience of absolute, unadulterated terror. But the most purely frightening thing on display at The Manor is Allison’s own twisted psyche.

This one sounds f’d up just from the press release. Couldn’t they find another way of making Alison traumatized, like taking away her cell phone for a week or telling her you can’t afford to get her tickets to P!nk, even though you have the money stashed away for far more important things, like binge drinking?

There’s An Urban Legend In My Basement

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghostkeeper

Disclaimer: There is no ghost in 1980’s The Shining knock-off, Ghostkeeper. I saw nothing invisible, and I approve this message. 

There’s an huge lodge buried deep in the Canadian mountains and genital-deep snow. There’s an old, stink woman who resides in the lodge. She could use some moisturizer and some product for her broomstick hair. Also living in the massive “hotel” is her son. He’s out hunting for delicious killables for dinner.

Ghostkeeper

Two hot chicks and a sex-minded smug dude arrive by snowmobiles at the lodge, despite warnings from an old dude in town to not go deep in the backwoods as there’s a huge storm coming. Snowmobiles are like jet-skis, but jet-skis go on water and… Wait, snow is water, just frozen, so…oh crap — I’m in over my head with this metaphor.

Ghostkeeper

The old woman reluctantly lets the three stay overnight. Jenny is the girlfriend of Marty, the guy who doesn’t hide the fact he wants to bone Chrissy, the other hot chick, who is all but putting it on the plate for him — right in front of Jenny. Awkward. The old woman tells Jenny she’s strong and…different, also making ominous statements like “I’m getting to old for this job” and that “there must always be someone to take the job.” Okay, that’s right out of The Sentinel (1977). Wonder if the old woman saw that movie? It was pretty good.

Ghostkeeper

Chrissy decides to bait Marty’s hook with a late night naked and/or nude bath. Unfortunately, she’s just been drowned by the old woman’s son before she can rinse off. He takes the naked body (not shown) out to the shed (not basement, as foretold on the VHS box cover), where she is summarily chopped up with a hatchet (not shown) and fed to this not-ghost dude chained in a dirt room. You only see him for a second, but he looks like a zombie version of a Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie. But he’s not really a roadie — he’s the mythical Windigo/Wendigo, a monster that derives its nutrients/calories from human flesh.

Ghostkeeper

From here things turn into liberal shovels full of The Shining (1980), with Marty ending up freezing to death outside after going bonkers, and Jenny, figuring out her new position in the company, pulls a Jack Torrance on the old woman and her son. She then confronts the Windigo/Wendigo/Roadie and promises to take care of it. And you know what that means — human pulled pork Sloppy Joes for dinner! 

Color Coordinated Aliens, Devil Diapers, Burning Man Zombies

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, UFOs, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Christopher Shy

Horror/sci-fi/fantasy artist Christopher Shy should be a billionaire for his stunning illustrative interpretations of classic genre movies like Alien (1979), A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), Salem’s Lot (1979), The Shining (1980), The Walking Dead (2018) and more. Maybe he already is in a higher tax bracket; I haven’t tried to borrow money from him. Yet.

Christopher Shy

These ridiculously brilliant art pieces are not only suitable for framing, but belong in a museum that doesn’t smell like wet books. Shy founded Ronin Studios in 1994 and has arted for movie companies like Lionsgate and Marvel, as well as acrylically expressing himself for Dark Horse Comics and more. Wonder how much he’d charge to paint my house to look like the demon rental cabin in The Evil Dead (1981)? Probably more bit coins than I currently have in my bit piggy bank.

Christopher Shy

While you drool over these magnificent art of works, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to distract you from the fact you’re not as talented as Christopher Shy

The Possessed

THE POSSESSED (April 6, 2018)
“When two documentary students venture into a small rural village, they witness a local ‘soul restoring’ ceremony. Upon investigation, they’re introduced to an exorcist who educates them on the exorcisms performed throughout the village’s history.”

I wanna be an exorcist when I grow up. You get to travel to exotic trailer parks, meet people who swear, float and puke gas station food, and make a difference to people who clearly take the bible literally. 

Bus Party To Hell

BUS PARTY TO HELL (April 13, 2018)
“When a party bus on its way to Burning Man filled with a bunch of sexy young adults breaks down in the desert and in the middle of a group of Satanic worshipers, all hell literally breaks loose. A massacre leaves seven survivors trapped on the bus, fighting for their lives while wondering if someone or someones are not what they seem.”

Not seeing the difference to the part buses that go to Burning Man every year. This one has zombie mummies, as well. Unless you’re a naked hippie attending Burning Man, the next popular dress code is being a mummy. More effective than sun block.

Gray Matter

GRAY MATTER ( April 20, 2018)
“After a meteorite crashes to earth awakening the extraterrestrial creature within, a young woman is abducted by an alien ‘gray’ to aide in hunting down and destroying the creature before it can reach a second meteorite that fell to earth decades earlier unleashing its deadly infestation of earth.”

I thought charcoal-colored aliens were called ‘greys’, not ‘grays.’ Calling ‘em Grays means they should accessorize with colors like seafoam, rose, marshmallow and cherry to properly color coordinate. If you’re an alien, this will match your season and help to blend in with hipster corporate executives and Mormons. 

The Sitter

THE SITTER (June, 2018)
Charlotte, a broke college student, gets a gig to house sit for an eccentric couple for a long weekend. She couldn’t believe how lucky she is. When darkness falls, things start to take a far more sinister turn. Charlotte is unable to shake the feeling that her every move is being watched and it is not long before her worst fears are confirmed — there is something else in the house with her…”

Um, was this not the exact same premise of House of the Devil (2009)? In that one the broke college student earns her pay by changing the diapers of the Devil, an experience later described as “hellish.” Heh.

Xeroxed Haunted House

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

7 Days To Live

Whoever wrote The Shining (1980) should be going after the filmmakers of 7 Days To Live (2001), a connect-the-dots horror formula rip-off.

7 Days To Live

A novelist and his wife buy a patently haunted mansion in a countryside marsh to put their grieving behind them after their son ate a bee and choked to death. (He should’ve put some butter or salt on it first.) The house has a dubious history — 20 years earlier a man killed his wife in there and let the body sit in front of the TV for a week before the authorities went to investigate their electric bill.

7 Days To Live

The house, it seems, has a way of finding out your deepest fear, then smacking you in the forehead with it. In this case, the wife getting tell-tale signs that she’s going to die in seven days. All the while, her writer husband is doing a second-rate Shining knock-off with mood swings so wild he could be a circus ride.

7 Days To Live

After noting her bent hubby’s excessive use of four-letter words, the freaked wife investigates the house’s f’d up past and discovers the place is built on a giant graveyard. (Yeah, like graveyards are believable.) Then her dead kid comes back to hit her up for allowance. Then her husband gives her a head butt (which was right up there with any finishing move you’d see in a WWE™ pay-per-view). Then mud ghosts come out of the marsh seeping into the basement. (That’ll happen when you leave the DOOR OPEN.)

7 Days To Live

Then you get bored because there’s too much talking and not enough bleeding. Cheese Whizhaunted house fare with a dorkball ending — the husband and wife write a best seller about their experiences. Amityville Horror (1979) been there, done that. If you have seven days to live, don’t waste 90-minutes of it watching this photocopied ass jamboree.

Ghost Hotels, Unnatural Disasters and Cigar Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stanley Hotel

Prepping for my annual solo holiday trek to downtown Portland, OR, my favorite city within 175 miles from where I’m littering. This year will be a bit different as I plan on visiting several Chamber of Commerce endorsed haunted buildings, one of which happens to be the very hotel I’m staying at. (Love the new bathroom upgrades at The Benson, but the ghosts could be a bit more spookier.)

Room 217

The hotel that’s on my bucket list is, of course, The Stanley Hotel (aka, The Overlook Hotel in The Shining), located at 333 E Wonderview Ave, Estes Park, CO. (And in case you need the zip code: 80517.) Their website has this to say about that: “The Stanley Hotel features a variety of rooms with high paranormal activity including the famous Stephen King Suite 217, the Ghost Hunters’ favorite room 401; as well as 407, 428 and 1302. These are among our most-requested rooms, availability is limited.”

White Eagle Saloon

While I polter-hunt/drink in Old Town Pizza, Crystal Ballroom and the White Eagle Saloon, all of which have documented ghost sightings (and tasty snacks), here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the Christmas wrap outta you…

Dangerous People

DANGEROUS PEOPLE (available now)
“In the early 1970s two murderers pick up a girl in a bar and take her back to their apartment. A moment of brutal violence occurs, which leads to a series of mind games to see who lives and who dies. Dangerous People is a psychedelic trip that is equal parts crazy, scary, sexy, funny, sick and tragic.”

Crazy, scary, sexy, funny, sick and tragic. Aren’t those the ingredients on Fruity Pebbles™ cereal boxes? (That stuff has more artificial coloring than a beauty parlor.)

Channel Zero: Butcher's Block

CHANNEL ZERO: BUTCHER’S BLOCK (2018)
“Inspired by Kerry Hammond’s ‘Search and Rescue Woods’ Creepypasta tale, Butcher’s Block tells the story of a young woman named Alice who moves to a new city and learns about a series of disappearances that may be connected to a baffling rumor about mysterious staircases in the city’s worst neighborhoods. With help from her sister, they discover that something is preying on the city’s residents.”

This sounds a lot better than the fizzled dud, Channel Zero: No-End House (2017). Sure, it got off to a great start, what with some teens going into a reputed spook house that preys on your innermost fears and doesn’t have an exit. But every slow-moving episode that followed felt like a no-end mini-series.

The Quake

THE QUAKE (2018)
“In 1904 an earthquake of magnitude 5.4 on the Richter Scale shook Oslo, with an epicenter in the ‘Oslo Graben’, which runs under the Norwegian capital. There are now signs that indicate that we can expect a major future earthquake in Oslo.”

You could almost predict this one — it’s being done by the same folks who made the Norwegian hit disaster movie, The Wave (2015). Another prediction: Once The Quake comes out, they’ll start working on The Really Windy Day, A Tree In the Road and The Pothole.

Rise of the Living Dead

RISE OF THE LIVING DEAD (2018)
“In 1962, Dr. Ryan Cartwright was on the scientific and altruistic path to find a way for humans to sustain life in the event of M.A.D. (Mutual Assured Destruction), a huge topic brought on by the Cuban Missile Crisis. Little did he know that over the course of the next several years of his life, he would take a well-funded and military focused journey to the darkest corners of the world as he creates the ultimate weapon for the government and a curse that will plague mankind for the rest of days.”

Cool title for YET ANOTHER zombie movie. Interesting to frame it around the Cuban Missile Crisis, which, I always thought was a near miss catastrophe about the Cuban cigar shortage. (Cigars are missile-shaped, hence, I assumed, the term.) Warning: this is what beer does to you.

Old Witches, New Demons, Modern Zombies

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 3, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead Official Cookbook

There’s an ironic aspect to the AMC’s official cookbook (and survival guide) from The Walking Dead as the only meals on the menu are humans — and they’re eaten tatare, not cooked. Yeah, TWD had non-zombie people butchering other non-zombie people and grilling the succulent carved butt roasts for their protein needs. Unless you came up with a marinade or spices to flesh out (sorry) the flavor, you don’t really need a cookbook. Just heat and eat.

While you chew (sorry) on that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cleanse the palette…

The Cured

THE CURED (September 9, 2017)
“In the aftermath of a devastating virus which transformed the infected into zombie-like monsters, Mankind is struggling to rebuild societies deeply divided between the uninfected and those who did succumb to the virus and are still haunted by their violent actions. In the backdrop, the rise of a terrorist movement threatens to plunge the world into chaos again.”

This one was formerly titled First Wave. Glad they changed it as it sounded like a surfer movie. The premise echoes that of the The Returned (2013) French zombie movie and subsequent TV series. A thought — if you substituted “virus” with “beer” you get the same results.

The Killing of a Sacred Deer

THE KILLING OF A SACRED DEER (October 27, 2017)
Steven, a charismatic surgeon, is forced to make an unthinkable sacrifice after his life starts to fall apart, when the behavior of a teenage boy he has taken under his wing turns sinister.

A charismatic surgeon? I bet he’s a real cut-up. Heh.

Demons

DEMONS (October 6, 2017/VOD)
“A psychological thriller that marries elements of The Exorcist, The Shining and The Big Chill, Demons tells of a celebrated fiction writer and former priest who, along with his wife, are tormented by the ghost of her late sister, as the details of her grisly death are slowly uncovered.”

When they say “marries elements of…”, it usually means ripped off. But what do you expect from a premise so overused, they could’ve bought the script from Goodwill™.

Pyewacket

PYEWACKET (2017/2018)
“A frustrated, angst-ridden teenage girl awakens something in the woods when she naively performs an occult ritual to evoke a witch to kill her mother.”

Had to look up “Pyewacket” as it seemed like a made-up word, like “gummy bear” or “Lake Titicaca.” Turns out it’s an actual ghost of a witch, famously outed by Witchfinder General Matthew Hopkins back in March of 16444 in the town of Manningtree, Essex, England. I guess this makes Hopkins the first Ghostbuster.