Hooker Horror, Goat Gore, Strange Children

The dark comedy cult horror hit, Frankenhooker came out in 1990. Sporting one of the best movie titles ever in the history of ever, you can now, for the first time in three decades, get officially-licensed Frankenhooker merch from one of the best horror swag sites, Fright-Rags.com. They’re featuring five different shirt designs and even Frankenhooker socks, because why not?

You say you haven’t seen Frankenhooker? Here’s the detailings: “Jeffrey Franken, a medical student, sets out to recreate his decapitated fiancée by building her a new body made of New York prostitutes.” Best. Plot. Ever. So how did his fiancée get decapitated? A lawnmower. How did he get the body parts from the NY prostitutes? Giving them super-crack to smoke, which made them explode. (One of the funniest scenes is when Zorro, their pimp, gets knocked out by a flying hooker head that just blew off.) They just don’t make ‘em like this anymore.

So while you rent the movie and click on over to Fright-Rags to get some cool Frankenhooker adornments (buy ’em), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna get a lawnmower haircut…

GOATMAN / Out now (VOD)

“A news reporter and her crew investigating the legend of Goatman in a dense forest find themselves in danger, and getting a bigger story than any of them could imagine.”

Wonder if Goatman’s first name is Billy?

DARKEST OF LIES / Out now (VOD)

“Army vet Travis reluctantly follows his wife Rochelle to the West Coast after she lands a life-changing job. Living with the scars of war, and waning off an opioid addiction, he struggles to find a sense of belonging in the couple’s new home. However, his best efforts are thwarted by an onset of horrifying hallucinations and dark visions.”

Then Travis better not go to the Tug Tavern for Horrifying Hallucinations ’n Dark Visions Night: a keg of freshness-expired Steel Reserve™ is $1.00 a pint until the first person goes to the bathroom. Then it’s .50 cents.

SEIRE / June 16, 2023 (VOD)

“Woojin, who has just became the father of a newborn baby, hears that Seyoung, whom he had once dated, has died. He goes to her funeral without telling his wife, and comes across Yeyoung, Seoyung’s twin sister. Following this encounter, Woojin and his family experience a series of horrific misfortunes.”

The first horrific misfortune was being named “Woojin.”

VIOLETT / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“A series of strange child disappearances have left the rural town of Miles in a state of disbelief. Shadows of grief reverberate through the streets and into a silenced home, where sick mother Sonya fears unspeakable evil will soon snatch her 11-year-old daughter Violett. Disconnected from her husband, Sonya’s paranoia forms the dregs of a once troubled childhood which threatens her sanity and the things she loves most. As bizarre visions and disturbing characters from the neighborhood emerge, Sonya is about to discover more than just one grisly truth.”

Strange children disappearing? Um, they need to change that sentence to “strange disappearances of children” so I can get back to my bizarre visions. 

Spider Burger, Heavy Metal Vampires, Rabbit Revenge

Burger King™, MacDonald’s™ golden arch nemesis, is upping the fast food game with the premier of the Spider-Verse™ Whopper, complete with a red bun and whatever they can stuff in-between ’em. And it’s upgradeable with a Spider-Verse™ Sundae, which is ice cream topped with black and red chocolate candies. That’s cool, I suppose, but they missed the marketing hoop by not offering web-like cotton candy. 

The Spider-Verse™ Whopper is available for digestion purposes from May 15 to June 21, 2023, which is ahead of the premiere of Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse. But there’s more from BK’s™ press release: “Spider-Verse will also taking over select restaurants in New York City, France, United Arab Emirates, Brazil and other locations. The locations will have interactive designs that place guests and fans inside the action-packed Spider-Verse.” They had me at other locations.

So while we scope out a BK™ eatery to park our peter (heh), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be topped with black and red chocolate candies to make up for bland plot flavors…

SAINT DROGO / Out now (VOD)

A gay couple, whose relationship has grown a bit strained, take an impromptu trip to Provincetown, Cape Cod in the off-season. Caleb, one half of the couple, has been plagued by nightmares of his ex, who had been working in Provincetown for the summer. When they arrive to town, it appears Caleb’s ex has gone missing. As disturbing hallucinations continue to haunt Caleb, he becomes more determined in finding him. But the closer he gets, the sooner he nears the sinister secret the town is hiding.”

The sinister secret the town is hiding is that the Wellfleet oysters at Mac’s Fish House Provincetown are served without silverware. This means if you get raw oyster juice on your fingers and then rub your eye, your eye will swell up to the size of a hard boiled egg. Just pray it doesn’t explode and get pupil particles over your Old Navy™ Classic Fit Linen-Blend Polo shirt.

DEATH RIDER IN THE HOUSE OF VAMPIRES / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“The mysterious Death Rider – clad all in black – travels through the desert on horseback. His destination — Vampire Sanctuary. The entrance fee — one female virgin. Once inside he encounters Count Holliday, Vampire Lord of Sanctuary, who warns him against any transgressions. Blood and guns action follow as Death Rider tangles with some of the vampires of Sanctuary like the smoldering Carmilla Joe with her sidekick Mina Belle and vampire gunslingers Drac Cassidy, Bad Bathory, Kid Vlad and Duke VonWayne.”

This one, by Danzig/Samhain/Misfits horror frontman, Glenn Danzig, was release to select theaters (i.e., the neighbor’s living room) in 2021. Now it’s showing its teeth at the Cannes Film Festival. Speaking of teeth, no word on whether or not the 68-year-old rock “star”/senior citizen will be wearing dentures to the premier.

MAYA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A teenage girl can’t remember her childhood. With the help of her adopted sister, Kalika, Maya seeks to recover her lost memories, unaware of the horrors that this journey will bring. Both leads do an admirable job of portraying the fear around losing — or watching someone — lose their grip on reality.”

This one’s being described as A Tale of Two Sisters and The Changeling. Guess which one of those I watched?

THUMPER’S REVENGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Screams echo in the meadow and blood will spill when hunters take aim at Bambi from the hill. They can run and they can plead, but Thumper is about to make them bleed.”

That bottom of the barrel I keep talking about? Apparently there isn’t one.

Re-issued Pagans, God Plagues, Sandworms

If you were old enough in 1973 to watch The Wicker Man (rated M), you were rewarded with (from the movie’s description) “wanton lust and pagan blasphemy”. Man, that goes together like a delicious sandwich. The Wicker Man was clearly the inspiration for today’s Burning Man Festival, wherein hipster hippies take Ecstasy and dance poorly around a giant torched effigy, emulating the climactic, iconic scene in TWM.

Now The Wicker Man is getting an exhaustive makeover on September 4, 2023 with the release of a 5-disc 4K UHD collector’s edition that includes tons of extras, like rigid ‘book’ pop-up packaging, all three cuts of the film restored in 4K, X1 exclusive EP featuring artists from Heavenly Records™ covering songs from the soundtrack, a 64-page booklet and more. I went through the disc’s bonus features — no hippies included. You can breathe a sigh of relief. 

If you’ve never seen The Wicker Man, here’s what you’ve been missing: “When a young girl mysteriously disappears, Police Sergeant Howie travels to a remote Scottish island to investigate. But this pastoral community, led by the strange Lord Summerisle, is not what it seems, as the devoutly religious detective soon uncovers a secret society of wanton lust and pagan blasphemy. Can Howie now stop the cult’s ultimate sacrifice before he himself comes face to face with the horror of The Wicker Man?”

So while we either watch The Wicker Man on Amazon Prime Video™ (you’re gonna have to rent it for a hippie-busting $2.49) or snap it up come September, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as fun as taking Ecstasy and watching giant effigies go up in flames… (P.S. Don’t do drugs — alcohol is cheaper.)

WALKING AGAINST THE RAIN / May 23, 2023 (VOD)

“Six months after a biblical plague has fallen upon the world, two strangers, Tommy and Blair are navigating their way across a barren landscape in a desperate attempt to find each other. With their only form of communication being two soon-to-die battery operated radio mics and with a new evil in the shape of ‘The Forsaken’ tracking them down, they must learn to confront loss and rediscover a trust in humanity. Or die.”

I did some research on biblical plagues by reading excerpts from the best-selling fiction book, The Bible (now in its one billionth printing). There are 10 in all: Three days of darkness (giving sand vampires a distinct advantage), frog infestation (i.e, hip hop rave), lice (no one had good hygiene back then, let alone lindane shampoo), pestilence, boils, weather gone wild, locusts, first-born son deathings… Seems to me all this would be a good idea for a movie. 

CRACKED / May 26, 203 (VOD)

“Ruja returns to Thailand from New York with her young daughter Rachel to settle her late father’s estate. Included in her inheritance are two mysterious portraits of a bewitching woman that she is told are worth a fortune, if only they weren’t damaged. Desperate to sell the paintings, Ruja hires Tim, an art restorer, to prepare the canvases for sale. But the cracks in the paint have begun to reveal long-hidden secrets, and as strange phenomena begin to emerge around them, Ruja and Rachel quickly realize their lives are in grave danger.”

The only thing I’ll probably get from my parents’ estate is unpaid bills, thereby putting my financial situation (aka, cracks in the paint) in grave danger.

DUNE: PART TWO / November 3, 2023 (Theaters)

“Paul Atreides unites with Chani and the Fremen while seeking revenge against the conspirators who destroyed his family. Facing a choice between the love of his life and the fate of the Universe, he must prevent a terrible future only he can foresee.”

The trailer for this one is crazy cool, wherein Paul Atreides rides one of those aircraft carrier-sized sandworms. He also gets to make out with Zendaya. I’m not sure which I’d like to do more. (Who am I kidding — SANDWORMS, b*tches!!!)

MONOLITH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A disgraced journalist attempts to salvage her career by turning to investigative podcasting. While trying to uncover the secrets behind a strange artifact with links to an alien conspiracy theory, the journalist soon finds that the story has moved uncomfortably close to home, leaving her to grapple with the lies at the heart of her own story.”

Podcasting is akin to sitting on a toilet equipped with a microphone. There’s some real “live streaming” for you. (I think I used that joke before. If it ain’t broke… Okay, I used that one before, too. Crap.)

Godzilla’s Space Brother, Drug Skin, Psycho Sex Babysitter

SpaceGodzilla may have only one film credit to his name (Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla /1994), but with his New Age crystal padded shoulders and out-of-town swagger, he made a lasting impression, if not visually, but all over Japan’s infrastructure. And now you can own a piece of the rock with Mondo’s™ limited release of the SpaceGodzilla soft vinyl figure. Never has wanton destruction seemed so desirable.

From Mondo’s website: “This Kaiju toy measures 9.5” tall, 10” long, and 6.5” wide and is priced at $150.00. It’s designed and sculpted by Hector Arce and comes packaged in a box with art by Francesco Francavilla. Limited to 400, it’s expected to ship in July.”

For those who have yet to see Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla, it goes a little something like this: “Godzilla is threatened by two new forces: Mogera — another UN-built machine, and SpaceGodzilla — a beast spawned from Godzilla’s particles in space.”

So while we all “launch” our own “particles” into space and wait to see what comes back to haunt us, here are a few out now/up and coming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better with New Age crystals…

MARVIN / Out Now (Amazon Prime Video™, Tubi™)

“After the incident, Albert, a family practitioner, aimlessly searches for the perfect sure for his son’s gruesome face. For the last 20 years, he’s been secretly collecting skins, donated by the local town sheriff. The only criteria is they must possess the raw hide of a junkie. This gives a whole new meaning to ‘operation’ drug bust.”

The raw hide of a junkie. Sounds like that’d be an nifty title for a Carcass album.

SPOONFUL OF SUGAR / March 2023 (Shudder™)

“A disturbed babysitter experiences a sexual awakening while using LSD to alternatively treat a child from a family with dark secrets of their own.”

With my luck, this one’ll probably be rated PG.

AXE2GRIND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Debbie Wilkins is released after serving 10 years in a psychiatric hospital in upstate New York for her murder spree on the set of The Bayou Butcher. Wilkins, who still has unresolved issues and vendettas to settle, picks up where she left off after reuniting with her twisted accomplice Norman Poindexter. Meanwhile, Debbie’s ex, Peter Burgess, has been having nightmares about the possibility that Wilkins might be released from prison and has turned to a therapist to deal with his trauma and guilt from past events. But are they just nightmares, or is Debbie Wilkins going to put their past relationship to rest for good?”

This one stars Debbie Rochon, the undisputed Scream Queen, what with having appeared in over 200 horror movies, give or take. And in half of those, she’s actually wearing clothes. 

SPRING LAKES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Marcus, a down-and-out struggling filmmaker, goes on a search for his missing sister Sheila in Spring Lakes, he encounters strange and mysterious occurrences in the form of a satanic cult and other superstitious beliefs. Marcus must find his sister before he, too, becomes engulfed by the living forest and suffers the same fate as his sister.”

If you’re down and out and struggling, shouldn’t you be looking for a job instead of your sister? Then again, maybe the satanic cult would hire you to hand of recruitment fliers downtown.

Playground Purgatory, Horror Vegetables, Mature Mutants

There’s a famous wall painting on Dante’s live music club in downtown Portland, OR that proudly proclaims, “Keep Portland Weird.” This caught on to the point there are bumperstickers, buttons and t-shirts everywhere sporting the city’s unofficial slogan. But for really bold weirdness, one only needs to hitchhike 104 miles south to Eugene, OR where an uproar on social media over a park slide seeks to topple Portland’s innate oddity status.

In the Owen Rose Garden City Park, residents were treated Hellraiser’s Pinhead being turned into a playground slide. Predictably, this sent locals into a Karen-esque tizzy; “These liberal sh*theads have gone too far this time.” A Eugene resident angrily posted to Facebook™. “It’s clear they are trying to groom our children to be monsters. Satanic, evil monsters. They obviously want to normalize this sort of thing. And you know this abomination will just attract weirdos to our nice little town.” Another posted response: “We have to come together as a community and nip this in the bud before things get out of hand. Let’s send this horrific ‘children’s playground’ back to hell.”

If only these quick-to-mouth rabble rousers got the joke. The Pinhead slide is an amazingly realistic art piece by 3D artist and Virtual Reality sculptor Cabel Adams, who posted it on social media, deliciously punking the leaning-far-too-right residents.

This isn’t the first time Cabel struck comedy gold with his crazy 3D and Photoshop™ skills. There’s his Voorhees Island, with a “stone” Jason obelisk in the middle of Washington’s State’s Lake Crescent (or “Crescent Lake”). Then there’s the cool Thomas The Train wickedly reimagined as an evil machine, as well as his horror movie villain hot-air “balloons” floating menacingly over Oregon’s Lane County town during its annual film fest.

While we all wait for Eugene’s locals to grow a sense of humor, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not spur Oregonian condemnation… 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN / March 3, 2023 (Limited) March 21, 2023 (VOD)

“A psychopathic twelve-year-old girl in a small town in Nebraska recruits all the other children and goes on a bloody rampage, killing the corrupt adults and anyone else who opposes her. A bright high schooler who won’t go along with the plan is the town’s only hope of survival.”

For anyone keeping score, this makes 11 Children of the Corn movies, which debuted in 1984. This latest one was done in 2020 and is just now getting out to people who want more corn in their diet. 

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: MUTANT MAYHEM / August 4, 2023 (Theaters)

“The heroes in a half-shell are back for their latest re-imagining, emerging from the sewers to defend New York from an army of fellow mutants.”

Their film debuting over 30 years ago, you can hardly call the turtles “teenage” anymore. They should call themselves Medicare Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

THE DARK ROOM / Release pending 2023 (DVD/VOD)

“An amateur photographer witnesses something while he’s developing photos that were brought to him by a pastor. The whole town is in amass panic and an active investigation is going on due to multiple decapitations in the area. The photographer is conflicted about sharing the news and the photographs he has developed.”

Developing photos? What year is this set in — 1935?

HUNT HER, KILL HER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During her first night on the job a lone night shift janitor finds herself in an unexpected fight for survival when she becomes the target of sinister masked intruders. As their disturbing motives become clearer, she must use her crafty instincts and barbaric violence to make it through the night alive.”

To get a coveted job as a night janitor, crafty instincts and barbaric violence should be emphasized on your resume.

Gruesome Grub, Spooky Flophouse, Artificial Witches

If you’re an epicurist of fine dining (snob snacking), then you no doubt heard of gourmet eateries like McDonald’s™, Burger King™ or Taco Bell™. But none of these can hold an ice cream fork to Haunted House of Hamburgers™, a year-round Halloween-themed burger joint located in Farmingdale, NY, which is 2,852 driving miles from Seattle, where I’m currently choking down non-themed, napkin-assisted food.

Here’s why we (me and whomsoever) should carpool it to Haunted House of Hamburgers™: “Located at 330 Fulton Street in Farmingdale, Haunted House of Hamburgers™ aims to bring Halloween fun to every day of the year, offering a menu of treats and drinks, all appropriately horror-themed, including Silver Bullet Pancakes, Ominous Omelets, Tombstone Tacos, Vampire Bat Wings, Killer Clown Clam Chowder, Tarantula Burgers, Poltergeist Pulled Pork, and more.” They had me at menu.

So while we look forward to sinking our fangs into a Tarantula Burger (hope it doesn’t really taste like a spider, with or without web-flavored ketchup), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/series that may or may not leave a deep-fried taste in your mouth…

THE LAST OF US / January 15, 2023 (HBOMax™)

“The series takes place 20 years after modern civilization has been destroyed. Joel, a hardened survivor, is hired to smuggle Ellie, a 14-year-old girl, out of an oppressive quarantine zone. What starts as a small job soon becomes a brutal, heartbreaking journey, as they both must traverse the U.S. and depend on each other for survival.”

The Last of Us is based on a video game with the same name from 2013. Had to look that up as I can’t remember back that far. Heck, I can’t even recall what I drank for breakfast.

HAUNTED MANSION / March 10, 2023 (Theaters/Disney+™)

“Gabbie, a single mom, hires a tour guide, a psychic, a priest, and a historian to help exorcise her newly-bought mansion after discovering its inhabited by ghosts.”

A single mom who can afford to buy a mansion and hire “specialists” to purge the premise of poltergeists? Wish I could meet ladies like this instead of one of those “last call” gals at the bowling alley, where the term “pick up a spare” has double meaning.

SALEM’S LOT / April 21, 2023 (Theaters)

“A writer returns to his childhood home of Jerusalem’s Lot in search of inspiration for his next book, only to discover his hometown is being preyed upon by a vampire. This leads him to band together a ragtag group to fight the evil presence.”

The plot (based on some sort of book from 1975) sounds alarmingly familiar. I’m guessing it’s because the first Salem’s Lot movie came out in 1979. A Return to Salem’s Lot (i.e., double crappy sequel) was released in 1987. (That took awhile to return.) Then the first remake came out in 2004 as a mini-series. I really hope the vampires aren’t getting the short end of the stake on royalties.

WITCH / Pending release 2022/2023 (VOD)

“Set in Dawnbrook, England in 1575, William must prove the innocence of his wife Twyla, who stands accused of being a witch. William must hunt down the real witch if Twyla is to be spared, but unearthly events make them both look doomed.”

Artificial witches…real witches…unearthly events. This sounds more like Ladies Night at the Tug Tavern than a semi-interesting period piece film (or “moving picture show”).

Phantom Food, Possessed Puppets, Corn-y Kids

Always look forward to fast food giant Burger King’s™ annual Halloween themed and ridiculously healthy cuisine. This year they outdid themselves — the sphincter-clenching Ghost Pepper Whopper™, which cranks up the blast furnace that is your mouth. So yeah, I’m in.

From BK’s press release: “The Ghost Pepper Whopper™, true to its name, features a burger with white cheddar-flavored orange-colored buns topped with Ghost Pepper cheese. It’s also packed with bacon, fried jalapeños, and a queso sauce.” They could just sell me the orange-colored buns and call it day. But wait, there’s more: “Along with the launch of the new Whopper™, Burger King’s™ app has also launched a “Ghost Detector”, which will help you find ghosts in your home…and unlock a special deal.” An app that finds ghosts in my house? Why am I just finding out about this now?

And now the bad news, which doesn’t include the mandatory bathroom time after eating said Ghost Whooper™— it’s only available in select restaurants in 10 cities: Detroit, Memphis, Philadelphia, Phoenix, San Antonio, San Diego, San Francisco, Savannah, Summerville, and New Orleans. (There’s a new Orleans? What happened to the old one?)

While we juice up the jalopy and head to whatever city is closest (807 miles from Seattle to San Francisco), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not put your indoor/outdoor plumbing to the test…

DEATH CAMP / Out now (VOD/DVD)

“A group of teenagers go to an abandoned cabin for a summer weekend where kids from a high school class were killed 20 years earlier.”

Clichéd [ klee-sheyd, kli- ]: Adjective — Representing or expressing a cliché or stereotype; trite; hackneyed; commonplace.

DOKTOR DEATH / October 28, 2022 (Full Moon Features™ channel)

“A beautiful young med student is trapped in an erotic nightmare and must face-off against the demon that inhabits the evil puppet.”

They had me at “erotic nightmare.” They lost me at “evil puppet.”

PRESENCE / November 17, 2022 (VOD)

“Leaving New York after a mental breakdown, Jennifer is contacted by her best friend about good news concerning their joint business venture. Within the hour, Jennifer is boarding a private plane and walking down the dock to a billionaire’s private yacht. All seems well, except that Jennifer is plagued by violent, unsettling visions. Is her unchecked anxiety attempting to self-sabotage her once again…or has a sinister presence latched onto her?”

If you’re flying on a private plane and floating around on a private yacht, unchecked anxiety and/or a sinister presence should be the least of your baggage. Store it in the overhead compartment and sit down. 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN / Fall 2022 (VOD)

“Eden, an orphan possessed by the spirit of the town’s dying cornfield decides to take revenge against the town’s adults, who are destroying the corn (and the children’s future) with their irresponsible decisions. Bo, equally upset at the adults’ selfish behavior, decides to make a stand against Eden’s radical plan to massacre every adult living in the town. After much mayhem, their epic final showdown leads to Bo and Eden facing off one last time, with the fate of everyone and everything in their hands.”

Some corn to shuck here — this remake allegedly came out in October of 2020 in…Sarasota, FL, which causes quizzical expressions on my non-Floridian face. Secondly, it’s allegedly being released to VOD platforms any day/week now. Thirdly, the original Children of the Corn came out in 1984 and grew 10 more sequels, each less tasty than the one that came before it. Fourthly, I never watched said sequels as I felt it was my mom’s subversive way of getting me to eat vegetables. For all the good that did, they may as well have titled it Children of the Cauliflower.

The Horror of Amityville

The real horror of The Amityville Horror (1979) isn’t the indoor fly infestation, floating pig with brake light eyes, puking priests, unmedicated personality disorders and the highway to Hell in the basement. It’s the horror classic’s legacy, spawning a staggering 33 direct and non-direct “sequels,” all co-opting the title, which was forever attached to the real life Lutz family’s 28 day ordeal after moving into the most paranormal tilt-a-whirl of houses.

In the famous book-turned-movie (author Jay Anson/1977), the ghostly demon stuff boiled over to the point the Lutz clan bolted out the front door, pants half off and screaming, leaving their precious knickknacks and toothbrushes. No word if they managed to take their pig with them. Maybe it just flew away.

Note: Redfin™ currently values the world’s most notorious abode (108 Ocean Avenue, Long Island, NY 11701) at a not-unreasonable $1,022,336.00 (3.5 baths, 5 bedroom, 3,756 sq. ft., semi-finished highway to Hell basement). It sold for $605,000 in 2017 and is still privately owned. So much for privacy, though — getting in and out of the driveway is a b*tch thanks to “go-f*ck-your-selfie” tourists streaming by day and night to get a pic of themselves and evil not as frightening as social media. 

Because the movie was such a big hit and resonated with homeowners who may or may not have a highway to Hell in their basement, the word “Amityville” has become pop culture synonymous with horror. Meaning there are no sacred cows here; everything from clowns to cops, sharks to vampires, as long as you slap “Amityville” somewhere in the title, it’s all fair game. (Amityville Cow — heh.)

And why not? As Wikipedia™ tells us, “upon its release in the summer of 1979, The Amityville Horror was a major commercial success for American International Pictures, grossing over $80 million (worth $328,319,229.76 in today’s pocket coupons) in the United States, going on to become one of the highest-grossing independent films of all time.”

Truly, the Sacred Cow is really a cash cow. Moovin’ on up!

No doubt there are more Amityville spin-offs in the works, and liberties taken with the “For God’s Sake, Get Out!” tag line. To that, my offering: Amityville: Last Call — For God’s Sake, Drink Up!

Feared Cities, Feared Houses, Feared Phones

Love it, hate it, makes you happy and/or happily throw up (looking in your direction AHS: Hotel/2015), American Horror Story/Season 11 (FX™) is set to land on your TV set October 19, 2022. (Write this down on a cocktail napkin for reference: The first two episodes of the 10-episode season will drop at 10 PM ET/PT on FX™ and will stream the next day on Hulu™. They will be followed by two episodes each Wednesday.) You’re welcome.

No plot as of this blogging. But the tagline for AHS: NYC reads: “New Season. New City. New Fears.” Disappointingly generic given AHS’ refreshingly twisted stories. But hey, fans will watch it regardless of spoilers because American Horror Story, if anything, is crazy bizarre, crazy gory, crazy violent and thereby recommended crazy family viewing.

Returning cast are favs Billie Lourd (her mom was Princess Leia), Zachary Quinto (he was Spock a couple of times), Leslie Grossman (dipped in AHS blood gunk since 2017), and the always uncanny Denis O’Hare, who earned two Primetime Emmy Award™ nominations for his AHS roles and played Liz Taylor in a cross dressing tour de force in AHS: Hotel (2015). Those gowns were literally to die for.

While we pack our bags for NYC, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not earn Primetime Emmy Award™ nominations…

MY BEST FRIEND’S EXORCISM / Out now (Amazon Prime Video)

“The year is 1988. High school sophomores Abby and Gretchen have been best friends since fourth grade. But after an evening of skinny-dipping goes disastrously wrong, Gretchen begins to act…different. She’s moody. She’s irritable. And bizarre incidents keep happening whenever she’s nearby. The fate of Abby and Gretchen will be determined by a single question: Is their friendship powerful enough to beat the Devil?”

How the HELL could an evening of high school girls skinny-dipping go wrong? Maybe evil got caught in someone’s “pool filter.”

MR. HARRIGAN’S PHONE / October 5, 2022 (Netflix™)

“A young boy named Craig, living in a small town, befriends Mr. Harrigan, an older, reclusive billionaire. The two form a bond over books and an iPhone™. But when the man passes away, the boy discovers that not everything dead is gone, and finds himself able to communicate with his friend from the grave through the iPhone™ that was buried with him.”

My iPhone™ doesn’t get calls from the dead. Just robots.

THE HARRISVILLE HAUNTING: THE REAL CONJURING HOUSE / October 18, 2022 (VOD)

“Four paranormal researchers and YouTubers™ document the paranormal claims of the former Arnold family farmhouse built in 1736. Now known as the Harrisville Farmhouse and the inspiration for the well known movie The Conjuring (2013). Are the extreme paranormal claims from the film real? Come along with researchers Matt Benton, Joe Vitale, Bill Cook, and Eric Conner as they delve into this mysterious haunting and share their incredible findings and evidence.”

This is what YouTubers™ consider gainful employment these days. You want paranormal? Trying cleansing the bathrooms at the Tug Tavern. Customers have been known to conjure a lot of “dark things” in there.

SATAN’S SLAVES: COMMUNION / November 4, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A family moves into a rundown apartment after escaping terror from their mother, who returned from death, not knowing their new home is a bigger threat to their lives.”

So what’s the bigger peril — mom returning from the grave or a backed up septic tank? Kind of a toss-up.

Batty For Batwoman, Debt Demon, Classy Slashy

Coming this Fall, CW™ is finally giving us Batwoman (not Batgirl, as erroneously reported October, 2018), starring the inhumanely gorgeous Ruby Rose as the kick ass crime crusher. And when she’s not punching it as Batwoman, Kate Kane (her secret identity), rides around on a motorcycle, has tattoos, wears a leather jacket and a Ramones t-shirt. I wish to hug her.

Here’s what’s about to go down: “Armed with a passion for social justice and a flair for speaking her mind, Kate Kane soars onto the streets of Gotham as Batwoman, an out lesbian and highly-trained street fighter primed to snuff out the failing city’s criminal resurgence. But don’t call her a hero yet. In a city desperate for a savior, Kate must overcome her own demons before embracing the call to be Gotham’s symbol of hope.”

There’s a three-minute trailer for Batwoman, which you need to see. Before you do that, here are a few now available/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as a highly-trained street fighter gal wearing a Ramones shirt…

13 SOULS (available now)
“An evil creature created from the souls of coal miners killed in a mining massacre, takes revenge on a small town every 50 years. His mission is to collect ‘13 souls to pay the debt.’”

There are lots of horror movies about coal mines — you just have to tunnel for ‘em. Heh. For a good throwback coal mine horror flick, give My Bloody Valentine a spin. The 1981 version, not the full-of-holes 2009 remake.

NUN’S DEADLY CONFESSION (available now)
“Dr. Morten Holst is a psychiatrist who struggles with as many problems, if not more, as his wide range of unique patients. A detective finds himself in a threatening situation when he gets caught in the doctor’s game while unraveling a mysterious case.”

The cover art is as confusing as the plot. And that nun doesn’t look very holy. God’s probably gonna give her the frowning of a lifetime.

STRAWBERRY FLAVORED PLASTIC (available now)
“A sensational, sentimental, and philosophical horror neo-noir that follows the still-at-large crimes of Noel, a repentant, classy and charming serial killer loose in the suburbs of New York.”

There’s a bunch of words that don’t belong in this plot blurb. I can fix it for them — take everything out and just say, “serial killer loose in the suburbs of New York.”

ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS (July 23, 2019)
“Serial killer Peter Harris, aka ‘The Doll Maker,’ returns to his ancestral family estate after being released from the state hospital for the criminally insane after 20 years – a ‘cured’ man. Once inside the old house, anguished memories from a tortured childhood and visitations from past victims shake Peter’s resolve, but it isn’t until the lovely young Ashley enters his life that Peter makes a fateful decision, one that rekindles old desires that always have ended in murder.”

Don’t’ confuse this Rock, Paper, Scissors with the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2012, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2018, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2007, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2013, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out earlier in 2019.