Archive for New York

Inner Demons, Outer Ghosts, Rock Gods

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Demon Inside

Quite happy to see riveting TV series The Exorcist and Gotham getting renewed second and fourth seasons respectively. Still hoping the SyFy Channel™ continues with Channel Zero. That one was quite couch gluer. This comes amid news that TV stations are canceling shows left and right. Why don’t you just cut off my blood supply, you numbers-crunching douchebags?

While we wait to see who else makes the chopping block, here’s a few just-released and upcoming horror movies to take your mind off the cancellation of Emerald City after one season instead of YET ANOTHER season of the weak Fear of the Walking Dead, which has been a mixed laundry load mess from episode one..

THE DEMON INSIDE (available now/VOD)
“Years after his release from jail, Sam Parsons is trying to build his life with his wife Courtney and their young daughter Harper. He works hard to provide for his family and afford their beautiful home in their quiet suburban neighborhood. When supernatural occurrences start to happen in the house, Sam fears for the safety of his wife and daughter. When the occurrences turn into attacks, Sam hires Corbin Carlysle and his reality TV show ghost hunting team known as ‘The Ghost Killers’ to help him battle the dark entity that’s lurking in the shadows of his home. To win this fight Sam must battle his own inner demons and revert back to his violent past. In order to save the ones he loves, a Demon must face a Demon.”

Inner demon versus outer demon. That’s like trying to suppress a fart in church as opposed to someone sitting next to you in said holy structure just falling shy of crapping his/her pants. (Guess that’s why they call ‘em “pews.”) Probably a her, though. Lady flatulence may be perfume fragrant, but dang are they funny.

THE LOST CASE (available now/VOD)
The Lost Case is a found footage horror film based on a popular television show, Ghost Doctor TV. With a first-person perspective, the audience gets to see the story first-hand through the eyes of the show production crews, Itt and Por.”

Only a ghost hunting team would be made up of people with names like Itt” and “Por.” Can’t get real jobs with names like that, not even at Kinkos™, who will hire street kids with pink hair. They should’ve stuck with Ghost Doctor TV as the title, though. A proctology exam conducted by a medically-trained poltergeist would be a LOT less invasive.

Killswitch

KILLSWITCH (available now/VOD)
“A military experiment to harness unlimited energy goes horribly awry, leaving a pilot with no choice but to fight through an imploding world to save his family and the planet itself.”

Don’t let the bland press release fool you. This one looks to be a real earth-burner, what with the world exploding/imploding (same thing) and such. Glad I don’t live there,

Griffin's Ghost

GRIFFIN’S GHOST (2017)
Griffin Kidder is a career New Yorker with a strong yearning to be a mother. Ready to start a peaceful life outside the city, Griffin and her construction-savvy husband purchase a dilapidated house to renovate, only to discover the suburban home already has residents: a scarred family of apparitions.”

Hide And Seek

Serviceable if not stock ghost story. However, I do take issue with the key art, which looks a heckuva lot like 2005’s Hide And Seek. I swear, sometimes I have the associative recognizance of a beaver or community college educated lemur.

A Beginner's Guide To Snuff

A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO SNUFF (June 16, 2017)
“Two brothers kidnap an actress, torture her, and make her think she is going to die.”

The trailer is hilarious, which makes me think this is a family comedy with swear words. It also echoes 2008’s British horror comedy The Cottage, with the stunningly multi attractive Jennifer Ellison turning the tables on her dumbass captors. Say what you will about supermodels — when cornered, they can really kick some arse.

Chris Cornell

Finnish Superheroes, Hitler Dinosaurs, Vampire Neighbors

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rendel

Been watching the new Marvel™ TV series Iron Fist on Netflix™. There are good aspects and some so bad it causes involuntary facial flinching. Daniel Rand, introduced as a kid who lost his corporate rich mom and dad in a relaxing vacation plane wreck over the Himalayas, is rescued by invisible monks and raised for the next 15 years to be the next Iron Fist, solely designed to wipe out the evil gang, The Hand. They beat him with sticks every day to reinforce their clenched mandate.

15 years later he shows up unexpectedly in downtown New York as a shoeless street bum (with hipster beard and an iPod™), trying to reconnect with his dad’s company. (He’s an heir worth billions and yet can’t afford socks, matching or otherwise.)

All of this I can get behind except they make him say and do stupid things. (Really bad chi-generating meditation moves and stilted kung-fu reference dialogue.) Worst, they give him a lava glowing fist that, when he’s provoked by violence, lights up and he can punch criminals and/or walls right in the sheet rock. Walls pretty much deserve it because they impede proper feng shui. Stupid walls.

All in all, mildly entertaining, but a surprising misstep by Marvel™, whose only blemish on a stellar track record has been The Fantastic Four. (Note to Marvel — PLEASE quite trying to make that one work. No one gives a crap about a guy who can stretch like a rubber band and another one who looks like passed kidney stones.)

Speaking of things to pass on, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be medically assisted to leave your body…

RENDEL (2017)
“A dark avenger is born when a worldwide corporation known as VALA launches an untested vaccine called Nh25 into the market by bribing, threatening, and killing every official opposing them.

Rendel unleashes his own special kind of hell against VALA, threatening to put an end the distribution of Nh25 As blood spills and the money burns, VALA recruits a group of mercenaries to do what they seemingly can’t, eliminate Rendel permanently.”

Rendel is Finland’s first superhero movie. About time they jumped on the bandwagon. Heck, I’m filming my own superhero movie as we speak: Yell Man: Neighbor Wars (pending $10 million crowd-funding.) Sounds like Rendel is a cross between Spawn (1997) and, well, me (I have a suit just like his, so you can see why people would make the connection. And by people, I mean me.) Despite a personal affront, looking forward to this one.

Living Among Us

LIVING AMONG US (2017)
“A documentary crew is sent in to interview a family of vampires whose existence has been made known to the world. But soon the crew realizes their very lives are in danger as they uncover a deadly secret and must fight for survival.”

Sounds like they took the framework of Fright Night (1985) and went to town with it. So vampires are living next door. Might be time to order some garlic polo shirts and Internet-ordered wooden stakes and go door-to-door because now I’m thinking those aren’t just a-holes living next to me, but bloodsucking a-holes.

Iron Sky: The Coming Race

IRON SKY: THE COMING RACE (February 14, 2018)
“Twenty years after the events of Iron Sky, the former Nazi Moonbase has become the last refuge of mankind. Earth was devastated by a nuclear war, but buried deep under the wasteland lies a power that could save the last of humanity — or destroy it once and for all. The truth behind the creation of mankind will be revealed when an old enemy leads our heroes on an adventure into the Hollow Earth. To save humanity they must fight the Vril, an ancient shape-shifting reptilian race and their army of dinosaurs.”

You can look but you may not find anything as crazy cool as Iron Sky (2012). And now with it’s sequel (which I e-barfed about on November 11, 2014) is within release sight. The new trailer shows a reanimated Hitler riding a T-Rex like it was a hobby horse, looking to re-take the world from the inside out. (Turns out those hollow Earthers were right. My apologies.) Consider putting Iron Sky: The Coming Race on your to-do/bucket list.

Lovecraft_Country

LOVECRAFT COUNTRY (HBO/in-production)
“After his father goes missing, Black joins up with his friend Letitia and his Uncle George to embark on a road trip across 1950s Jim Crow America to find him. This begins a struggle to survive and overcome both the racist terrors of white America and the malevolent spirits that could be ripped from a Lovecraft paperback.”

Racists and dark god entities. And how does this differ from the current political administration? You’ve already seen this — every night on the news.

Pet Monsters, Human Monsters, Religious Monsters

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Okja

The neighborhood had one of those community garage sales the other day. it’s always fun to rummage through other people’s crap. Hit pay dirt, though, when I found a box of ‘80s horror movies on VHS tape for .25 cents each.

I was so happy until I got home and realized I don’t have a VHS player. Sigh. Might as well go listen to that box of 8-tracks I also scored for about the same price and… Oh, crud; I don’t have an 8-track player, either. There’s $2.00 I’ll never see again.

On that Einstein note, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi that may or may not be worth .25 cents to watch…

OKJA (June 28, 2917/Netflix)
“For 10 idyllic years, young Mija has been caretaker and constant companion to Okja – a massive animal and an even bigger friend – at her home in the mountains of South Korea. But that changes when the family-owned multinational conglomerate Mirando Corporation takes Okja for themselves and transports her to New York, where image obsessed and self-promoting CEO Lucy Mirando has big plans for Mija’s dearest friend.”

Sounds like a re-imagineering of King Kong/Mighty Joe Young. And looking at the giant creature’s silhouette (is that a French word? Sure the heck seems like it is), it probably eats about 100 pounds of food per meal. At first glance I thought it was a hippo. But when was the last time you saw a hippo on a leash? That’s like putting a turtleneck sweater on a  giraffe.

The Monster Project

THE MONSTER PROJECT (2017)
“A recovering drug addict takes a job with a documentary crew who plans to interview three subjects who claim to be real life monsters.”

Sounds cool. Although what kind of monsters are they? Day vampires? Half moon werewolves? Republicans? Noisy neighbors who won’t quit making noise no matter how much I pound on the ceiling?

A Closer Walk With Thee

A CLOSER WALK WITH THEE (2017)
“Four young evangelical missionaries set up a house church in inner-city Los Angeles to try and save the neighborhood from a Satanist gang. Jordan is a good Christian kid, except that he’s starting to have impure sexual thoughts about his close friend and fellow missionary Eli. When he’s caught watching Eli shower, he is outed to the group and painfully ostracized – until Eli, who happens to be a fledgling exorcist, suggests that a demonic possession might be causing these Jordan’s feelings. Jordan begins to enact signs of possession, prompting Eli to take action. What begins as a ritualistic method of trying to save their friendship quickly spirals out of control and descends into darkness and violence.”

Only a religious nutbag would think homosexuality is a sign of demonic possession. The irony here is that the “fledgling exorcist” is probably gay himself. Gay people don’t need to be exorcised, but religious freaks do.

Summer of '84

SUMMER OF ‘84 (2017/2018)
“Growing up on a quiet cul-de-sac in Ipswich, Massachusetts, Davey’s desperate to believe there’s more to life than what he sees from his bedroom window. But Davey thirsts for more. As their investigation heats up, Davey and his best buds soon discover Mr. Mackey is onto them and their suspicions quickly become all too real.”

The pre-production artwork reveals that there’s a serial killer living in the neighborhood. I bet he doesn’t mow his lawn, but rather hacks it. Heh. For a superior and hard-to-watch serial killer in the neighborhood movie, watch The Lovely Bones (2009). You’ll probably need counseling afterward. Or a hug.

Bloody Hell, Sci-Fi Teens, Reverse Werewolves

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bloody Muscle Body Builder In Hell

Here’s a neat trick — when celery stalks go limp, soak ’em in water and a short time later, stiff as if you doped ‘em up with Viagra™ and just as store-bought crunchy. Better still, soak ‘em in vodka. Get drunk and healthy at the same time. Works on carrots, too! I have no doubt that’s an original idea, I’m I’m gonna patent it. So please don’t viral my pension plan.

Speaking soaking yourself in healthy alcohol, you might need some of the good stuff to get through these just released and/or upcoming horror/sci-fi movies…

BLOODY MUSCLE BODY BUILDER IN HELL (available now/UK)
“After a surprise phone call interrupts his daily workout, beefy body builder Naoto agrees to meet his photojournalist ex-girlfriend to help with her research on haunted houses. Accompanied by a professional psychic, they visit an abandoned house once owned by Naoto’s father. But inside the house a dark secret lingers and they find themselves trapped and tormented by a relentless ghost with a 30 year grudge. Bloody Muscle Body Builder invites fans of bizarro, lo-fi cinema on a far out journey…into Hell.”

While I do like the title (I’d buy the shirt), this is also aka’d as The Japanese Evil Dead. Gotta say, I dig that, too, if not as well. This came out in 2014 (in Japan) and was described as a “cross between the 1977 Japanese horror classic Hausu (House) and The Evil Dead (1981).” Kore ijō iwanai — I’m in.

So can you see it in your own hausu? Yep — just order it from AmazonUK™ [click HERE]. It’ll set you back £7.99 (free delivery in London Land if you have Amazon Prime™). This converts into $10.35 U.S. fun coupons. To have it shipped here, though, is a bit pricey as there are import fees, triple stamps with Monarch faces on ’em, probably weird packaging and extra sticky tape, etc. So figure about $400 total just to be on the safe side.

Resident Evil: Vendetta

RESIDENT EVIL: VENDETTA (June 19, 2017)
“BSAA Chris Redfield enlists the help of government agent Leon S. Kennedy and Professor Rebecca Chambers from Alexander Institute of Biotechnology to stop a death merchant with a vengeance from spreading a deadly virus in New York.”

What the stink is going on here? Did we not just have Resident Evil: The Final Chapter in 2016? (There are six RE movies in all, dating back to 2002.) As it turns out, Resident Evil: Vendetta is an animated movie, or “CG,” which obviously stands for “cartoon gunk.” Apparently, this is the third such RE animated movie. I care not for this medium. For one thing the blood looks too “illustrated.” And don’t get me started on computer-designed entrails. If you want me to watch a movie length cartoon, make It’s The Great Pumpkinhead, Charlie Brown.

Number 13

NUMBER 13 (2017)
Northern Canada, the dead of winter, and some scientists studying a wolf pack dynamics try to anesthetize and tag a wolf. The wolf awakes prematurely and attacks, but the trapped scientist bites first. This bitten wolf is infected with a disease called ‘humanity’. As the moonlight rises, this wolf is changing. When wolves chase a naked and bloody man into their camp, the scientists are shocked. This stranger can’t talk, is lost and is freezing, but from where? The first taste of danger enters the camp when the pack of wolves reappears, now fearless. Before this full moon sets, the humans will learn both the true nature of the stranger and of their own “pack dynamics”. More importantly, they will learn the true difference between wolves and humanity — the ability to lie.”

Lousy name for a reverse werewolf movie. There were Number 13’s in 2006, 2008, 2013 (looks like a sci-fi video game with “real people”), and an Alfred Hitchcock movie that was shot way the heck back before time in 1922 and never released. None of those featured reverse werewolves. (Maybe as stage hands, but certainly not actors.) So man bites dog. In the newspaper game, that’s called a lead story. Definitely an interesting premise whether you read newspapers or not. I do for the horoscopes and the funny pages. Not necessarily in that order.

Maze Runner: The Death Cure

MAZE RUNNER: THE DEATH CURE (2018)
“In the conclusion to the Maze Runner trilogy, Thomas and the surviving Gladers prepare to face off against WCKD one last time as they fight to find a cure for the deadly disease known as The Flare that has wiped out most of the world. Friendships and loyalties will be tested and the fight against WCKD will also determine who will survive in the end.”

This one’s already done and in the grocery line waiting to be checked out. Got postponed several times over reasons I don’t give an exasperated hoot about. Saw the first Maze Runner (2014), a sci-fi teen movie based on a book of all things. Did not see the sequel Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials (2015) as it had more teenagers in it. Might have to see MR: Death Cure as The Flare disease turns people, I mean teens, into sci-fi zombies. Bye-bye future teens.

New York Zombies, Pretentious Sci-Fi, Fun Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Asylum of Darkness

Watched a sneaky guy using his iPhone™ to record Kong: Skull Island at the movies the other day. Then he had the gall to offer to sell me the bootlegged flick for $10. I had just spent $12 to see it. I made him wait so I could hit up an ATM machine. Hey, I blew all my spare pocket coupons on red vines and hot dogs.

Speaking of blowing, here’s a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that hopefully won’t…

ASYLUM OF DARKNESS (April 11, 2017)
“After awakening in a mental asylum, a patient plans his escape to freedom while fighting off supernatural forces in both the real world, and some that may only live inside his head. But once on the outside, he learns that the life awaiting him is more twisted and dangerous than anything he could conjure in his head, one that is luring him back to the asylum forever.”

Substitute “dive bar” for “asylum” and this will make more sense. Generic title, generic plot, generic waste of time. So yeah, I’m in.

Empire State of the Dead

EMPIRE STATE OF THE DEAD (April 11, 2017)
“The recently deceased rise, feasting upon the living as a zombie outbreak spreads across the globe. In Central New York, a small Marine patrol, led by Sergent Ritter, tries to keep order. But while battling the living dead they are also faced with roving gangs going unchecked and entire military units defecting. Amid the chaos, a drug lord named Ray sees an opportunity to rule the new world rising, and he is sabotaging rescue centers and military bases to help further break down the Government’s attempts to restore order. Who will survive when Ritter and Ray finally face off?”

Empire State of the Dead consists of seven short stories produced and set in New York State, all directed by New York State filmmakers. It includes a series of wraparound segments (and one big finale) tying them all together into one epic feature motion picture detailing the early stages of a zombie outbreak.”

Should be interesting to see how they all meat. Heh. Good thing the zombie outbreak is in New York; I have a hard enough time battling the brain dead in my own neighborhood of Seattle, home of skyrocketing rents and rubbery movie theater hot dogs. Those things are so chewy you could blow a bubble with one.

The Osiris Child

THE OSIRIS CHILD: SCIENCE FICTION VOLUME ONE (April 2017)
“Set in a time of interplanetary colonization, Sy Lombrok, a former nurse who is now a drifter with a haunted past, forms an unlikely alliance with Kane Sommerville, a lieutenant who works for off-world military contractor Exor. In a race against time they set out to rescue Kane’s young daughter Indi amid an impending global crisis precipitated by Exor.”

This one was made in Australia and premiered last year in a theater that’s about 8,113 miles from my freshly swept bachelor pad. Never was a big fan of sci-fi where they give everything super dumb future names, though. Exor? Sounds like prescription butt medicine.

Alien: Covenant

ALIEN: COVENANT (May 12, 2017)
Just because I already previewed this previously doesn’t mean I can’t do it again. I make the rules so I can break the rules. This time it’s with another drool-worthy ad poster. Trying to stay away from the trailers so I can be shocked out of my hot dog bun when I see it at the Imax™, which will no doubt cost $150 to get in. Time to start selling my blood. Again.

Alien Superman

Posted in Fantasy, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Supersonic Man

Our first glimpse of Supersonic Man, a decidedly stylish superhero, is in his Speedo™. (Is it a swim suit? Underwear? Men’s bathhouse recreational attire?) SSM is rousted out of a science induced death sleep by his space boss to put some pants on and go to the planet Earth (you may have heard of the place) and save them from that butt hook mad scientist, Dr. Gulik, who wants to take over the world. He smokes, so clearly he’s evil.

Supersonic Man

Supersonic Man’s lunar name is Kronos (on Earth he just goes by Paul/Supersonic) and is an alien or “extraterrestrial.” Because he’s handsome and exhibits advanced grooming techniques, he’s the RIGHT CHOICE to go after Gulik (pronounced “goo lick”) and his tricked out robot. SS’s crime fighting clothes (once he finally put ‘em on) is a red ensemble with blue cape and matching boots and cowl. Think Superman in reverse, though SS Man’s uniform matches more closely those worn in the 1967 Italian adventure, The Three Fantastic Supermen. But clothes don’t make the man; Kronos has a job to do, colorful pants or not.

Supersonic Man

Dr. Gulik has a gang that wears the same clothes. His robot is bedazzled with all sorts of dials, knobs, wires and blinking lights. Clearly this thing is a formidable foe. So the first thing Supersonic does is take to the skies, flying around New York with a stern look on his face. Clearly, his expression indicates he does not approve of crime or power mad scientists.

Supersonic Man

Gulik instructs his henchmen (referred to as drunken bums) to kidnap a renowned science professor AND his supermodel daughter. This upsets Supersonic’s tummy. He rescues her in and here’s where his other super powers come into play — he switches back to being a “Clark Kent” and talks her into going out to dinner. She does. Score!

Supersonic Man

The rest is predictable if you know anything at all about superhero movies. One thing that sets Supersonic apart, though — he steals booze. Yep, while on a home cooked dinner date with Patricia (the professor’s hot daughter), he “forgets” the champagne and goes out to his vehicular to get it.

Supersonic Man

It’s here he changes into Supersonic, flies into town, goes into an Italian restaurant kitchen and grabs a couple of bottles of the good stuff — and just walks out without paying for it! The scene of him flying back to Patty’s pad with the champagne in his gloved hands is the stuff of legend. More so when he gives a bottle of beer to a drunken bum and keeps the bubbly for himself. He truly is indeed a superhero.

Supersonic ManThere’s a really funny twist at the end involving a drunken bum and the UFO sent to retrieve Supersonic after his mission is completed. It’s a nice cherry on top of a tasty superhero sundae.

Supersonic Man

Final note: The starring role of Supersonic Man (1979) was played by two guys — Kronos (the guy in the costume) and Paul, the ladies’ man with an impeccably maintained mustache. You think he was gonna shave that thing off to fight crime? You must be out of your mind.

The Horror of 2016

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, TV Vixens, UFOs, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Witch

“Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?”

Best line in recent contemporary horror as whispered by the tempting, unseen evil thing in The Witch, one of the 2016’s least conventional but deliciously grim horror movies. I haven’t heard a line that good since “I know you are, but what am I?” from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (1985).

Supergirl

The second best line of dialogue of the year comes not from a horror/sci-fi movie, but from the TV series Supergirl: “It’s time to punch you in the face…” (Note to anyone not using glitter chapstick – Supergirl is faring far better under the CW™ tweener banner than it did with CBS™, who had no idea what to do with superheroes sporting abnormally perfect teeth and Clearasil Ultra Rapid Action™ complexions. This is CW’s™ wheelhouse, man.)

In a year fraught with horror (politics notwithstanding), there were more than a few genre movie and TV stand-outs. And while I’m a world famous (ahem) blogger of horror/sci-fi, this e-offering is not even close to being comprehensive and I am by no means an authority on the subject. (I’m an expert at being NOT an expert.)

Black Phillip Cider

Of the ton of big/low-budget genre movie/TV crap I’ve watched all year long, the following represents a few chunks of interesting crap therein. You don’t have to agree with me, though, just because I’m a world famous blogger [insert nervous cough here]…

The Witch, Train To Busan, Shin Godzilla

THE WITCH
This unforgettable chiller introduced horror’s best new figurehead: Black Phillip, the Danny Trejo (or “Machete”) of badass barnyard animals.

SHIN GODZILLA
F-word amazing. They gave reboot G several insanely cool upgrades while holding true to Godzilla’s original hairstyle, including his “one-blow-blows-up-all” destructo breath: purple-y AND flame-y. That’s pretty sweet. Shin Godzilla, almost all filmed in broad daylight, shows Godzilla doing what he does best: making smash hits. I’d buy his album.

TRAIN TO BUSAN
A South Korean zombie movie that mops the floor with every other zombie movie released this year. So ridiculously intense is this thing (passengers trapped on a speeding commuter train while zombies board without passes), you don’t need English translation. (I went legit and watched it without sub-titles. That’s how I roll.)

10m Cloverfield Lane, 31, Phantasm Ravager

10 CLOVERFIELD LANE
Was this a sequel to 2008’s Cloverfield? There are those who walk among us that say yes. Doesn’t matter — while the movie climaxed with alien stuff (if you didn’t already know that — ha!), it’s the premise of several super tense characters in a rural underground survivalist bunker (two of which are there involuntarily) that brings the real horror.

ROB ZOMBIE’S 31
Like him or not, Rob Zombie always makes stomach-turning, gritty and gory horror movies. This one puts a group of traveling carnival white trash performers in a huge maze inside a huge warehouse-y type building, facing off in a brutal do-or-die obstacle course with highly colorful and pretty darn mean maniacs (Doom-Head, Sick-Head, Schizo-Head, Psycho-Head, Death-Head, Sex-Head), all wielding power tools. Make it out of the building, you live. Sort of.

PHANTASM RAVAGER
Does this final installment of the surreal and beloved Phantasm franchise deliver the groceries? Yes and not yes. Given that it’s been nearly 20 years since the last one (Phantasm IV: Oblivion/1998) and brings back the original characters, all of which puts you in the zone, Phantasm Ravager still leaves a pile of unanswered questions, like what happened to Reggie’s 1971 Plymouth Barracuda (second only to the Batmobile in sleek coolness)? But hey, those iconic flying death spheres, aka, gasoline-powered sharp things? All over the freakin’ place.

Deadpool, Captain America: Civil War, Batman V Superman, Suicide Squad, Doctor Strange

DEADPOOL / CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR / BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE / SUICIDE SQUAD / DOCTOR STRANGE
Great year for great superhero movies. All of the above kicked ass to varying degrees of ass kicking. And Suicide Squad’s dementedly drop dead sexy Harley Quinn ranks with Deadpool and Black Phillip as a top genre icon of the year. (Godzilla’s already in the Hall of Fame, so giving somebody else a chance here.)

Harley Quinn

Honorary mention goes to Ben Affleck’s Batman, who puts the dark in Dark Knight. (He drinks the hard stuff, two syllable swears, horizontally smooches the ladies, takes pill-shaped drugs, beats people like drums then tortures/shoots them, and socks Superman right on his justice-shaped jaw. On top of that, he drives really fast and crashes into stuff. Batman gives driving lessons, not takes them.)

A few thoughts on some other this and thats…

Arrival, The Shallows, Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

ARRIVAL
Not just a good movie, but a great UFO movie that doesn’t rely on all out paranoid military warfare on our space brothers, who look a heckuva lot like seafood appetizers. P.S. to the Internet: I’ve seen nearly every UFO video on YouTube™ and they’re starting to look fake. I’m beginning to think UFOs aren’t real. But that’s probably just crazy talk.

THE SHALLOWS
You can still be the most heavy metal, human-gulping shark with extra teeth in the ocean, but you still take second seat to Blake Lively’s seat in a string bikini worn throughout the ENTIRE MOVIE.

FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM
An enthralling movie set in 1920s New York with wizards and a menagerie of off-the-hook mythical creatures and monsters, the likes of which have not been seen since the last WWE pay-per-view. Y’know, I bet Harry Potter fans might like this.

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children, The Boy, Morgan

MISS PEREGRINE’S HOME FOR PECULIAR CHILDREN
In my day a home for peculiar children was called “summer camp.” A bunch of mutation kids with unique abilities: floating, projecting movies through eyes, starting fires by touching stuff, super strength, control of nature, and my fav, eating through a mouth on the back of your head. You could take down a Frisko Freeze™ double deluxe burger in one mouth while sucking down a chocolate shake with the other. I wouldst like to live deliciously.

THE BOY
Featured The Walking Dead’s walking gorgeous Lauren Cohan. I wasn’t aware of anything else in the movie. I think it had some sort of boy in it. I think he was a puppet, which is just plain weird.

MORGAN
A genetic experiment gone wrong — or right, depending on where you stand on a contemporary updating of Frankenstein (1931).

Independence Day: Resurgence, X-Men: Apocalypse, Star Trek Beyond

There were a few genre misfires this year, though, including Independence Day: Resurgence, (we need to issue a formal apology to extraterrestrials), X-Men: Apocalypse (yeesh, what a mutant mess) and Star Trek Beyond, which relied more on blowing up things than the story line. Speaking of, why do they have to keep exploding the USS Enterprise over and over? Man, I wanted to drive that thing.

Wonder Woman

So what do we have to look forward to from here? According to IMDB.com there’s approximately 1,000+ horror/sci-fi/fantasy/superhero movies (Wonder Woman – I await you) slated for release in 2017. Butt — meet couch. Like Doctor Strange, I’m looking through space and time (and Collider.com) for Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), Godzilla, King of Monsters (2019) and Godzilla vs. King Kong (hopefully before I croak). All the other stuff watched is what I’ll do to pass time/pass gas/pass out until those movies come to enrich my life.