Archive for It

Empire Sharks, Hockey Masks, Murderous Moms

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 3, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Quiet Room Bears

Saw this mash-up of a Care Bear and Pennywise from It on eBay™, Think the going price is around $300. Not sure I want that hideous thing sitting in a corner, visually tasting my flesh. Still, it might keep solicitors from bugging my doorbell.

While I try and drum up $300, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the cotton out of you…

Empire of the Sharks

EMPIRE OF THE SHARKS (August 5, 2017/SyFy)
“In the future, most of Earth is covered by water and the only land is controlled by a warlord and his army of sharks. Humans are kept as food for the sharks until two friends risk their lives to rise against their captor and his legion of sharks.”

Sounds like Waterworld (1995) but with the more eating of humans. So yeah, YET ANOTHER Rent-A-Centershark horror movie. These types of shark flicks are usually just bad video games. If you want a real shark movie that’ll make you pollute the water, try The Reef (2010). Just thinking about it is making me need to hide in the safety of my bathroom — until someone comes up with Toilet Sharks.

To Hell And Back

TO HELL AND BACK: THE KANE HODDER STORY
(August, 2017/England Film Fest)

To Hell and Back is a harrowing story of a stuntman overcoming a dehumanizing childhood filled with torment and bullying in Sparks, Nevada. After surviving a near-death burn accident, he worked his way up through Hollywood, leading to his ultimate rise as Jason Voorhees in the Friday the 13th series and making countless moviegoers forever terrified of hockey masks and summer camp. After decades of watching Kane Hodder on screen, get ready to meet the man behind the mask in To Hell and Back – n uniquely human story about one of cinema’s most vicious monsters.”

Kane Hodder, as many know, is the 6’4” monster behind such monsters as Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989), Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993), Jason X (2001), and as the deformed serial killer Victor Crowley in Hatchet (2006), Hatchet II (2010), and Hatchet III (2013). I say cast Hodder in the new Mary Poppins Returns 2018 remake — that’ll keep that persnickety b*tch from trying to teach the world manners.

Axeman 2: Overkill

AXEMAN 2: OVERKILL (October 17, 2017)
“When a band of crazed evangelicals, bank robbers and vigilantes descend upon Cutter’s Creek, there’s only one local legend that can separate them. And dismember them.”

Seems pretty cut ‘n dry to me — heh. Not really a fan of chop shop horror, but hey, crazed evangelicals and bank robbers need to taste the business end of the axe.

Mon And Dad

MOM AND DAD (2017/2018)
“A teenage girl and her little brother must survive a wild 24 hours during which a mass hysteria of unknown origins causes parents to turn violently on their own kids.”

It’s called parenting for a reason. This is what happens when you don’t clean your room. Speaking of, I’m gonna go do that right now as mom’s in town with a few days to kill.

Horror Clowns, Black Superheroes, Meaty Godzilla

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Behind The Sightings

Every month they change the fresh sheet at JaK’s my fav steakhouse of all time and space. (My accountant looked at my receipts and asked if I owned stock in the place. By now I should.)

June’s fresh sheet came out and right there in print was the…Rib-Eye Godzilla. This is no joke — and get this, it comes with a side order of screaming citizens! (Okay, that part was a joke.) Wonder if it comes with an order of Tokyo? Regardless, you now know what I’ll be eating for the next 30 days,

Speaking of tasty, here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi that may or may not satisfy your city-crushing hunger…

BEHIND THE SIGHTINGS (October 2017)
“Based on over 112 hours of footage recovered from the personal belongings of aspiring filmmakers Todd and Jessica Smith. The husband and wife filmmaking duo were investigating the 2016 creepy clown sighting epidemic. The first clown sightings occurred in August 2016 in Greenville, South Carolina. Authorities were alerted to reports by neighborhood kids stating that creepy clowns were appearing in the woods near an apartment complex. The clown sightings spread to all 50 states and across Europe. Todd and Jessica were attempting to track down clown sighting witnesses and the clowns involved in a rash of creepy clown sightings that plagued an eastern North Carolina community.”

A little late on the clown sighting social phenomenon, which I though was a clever promo for the new It (2017) movie. The funny part here is that people who took part in the clown sightings were in fact already clown themselves. Think this goes in the “already seen it” file, which is right next to the “stupid dumbasses” folder.

Midnighters

MIDNIGHTERS (2017/2018)
“Midnight, New Year’s Eve: when all the hopes of new beginnings come to life — except for Lindsey and Jeff Pittman, whose strained marriage faces the ultimate test after they cover up a terrible crime and find themselves entangled in a Hitchcockian web of deceit and madness.”

Hitchcockian web? Hitchcock was a spider? Now his movies all of a sudden make sense.

Black Panther

BLACK PANTHER (February 16, 2018)
Black Panther springs into action when an old enemy threatens the fate of his nation and the world.”

Marvel’s Black Panther was a hugely welcome debut in Captain America: Civil War (2016). That cat had some sleek moves. So it’s with some sort of glee I’m looking forward to an entire movie devoted to his sleek moves. Of course, African-American superheroes have been around for some time, but not nearly as much as their counterparts. For a recent example watch Luke Cage (Netflix). He also hooked up with Jessica Jones in her TV series. Lucky guy. Off the top ‘o my noggin is Hancock (Will Smith) Storm (Halle Berry) Spawn (1977) and yep, I’ll through in Asgard’s Heimdall (Idris Elba). But if you wanna go really obscure, try The First Black Superman, released back in 1977 when hippies ran free and personal hygiene was dubious at best. Fun watching how your parents acted when they were young and stupid.

ANGEL

ANGEL (pending crowd-funding)
When a brutal massacre plagued the isolated and peaceful town of Raven Rock in 1986, the remaining residents fled, leaving the once tranquil community behind. For thirty years the town has been chained and walled off from the outside world while deteriorating and crumbling. However not all has been quiet as disappearances have been attributed to the supposedly haunted town. Now a headstrong journalist and her team venture to Raven Rock to investigate the town, its history, and the missing persons. What they will discover is sometimes the truth is more disturbing than myth and Raven Rock is still being occupied.”

Sounds like a direct lift of 2006’s Silent Hill. That one had really cool weirdo monsters in the abandoned town. Ghosts, too. You’d think that be a tourist attraction instead of, say, a Ferris Wheel run amok. And don’t get me started on that possessed Tilt-a-Whirl, the only amusement park ride that makes you pay to reverse vomit.

Possessed Mirrors, Legacy Killers, Neighborhood UFOs

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dobaara: See Your Evil

Been on Mufon.com (Mutual UFO Network) again lately, a site that among other things documents UFO sightings in real time. Apparently, while I was watching episodes of Supergirl, iZombie, The Flash and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. last night, my neighborhood was being buzzed by no less than seven UFOS. That my neighborhood is situated along the flight path to the Sea-Tac Airport is but a mere coincidence.

UFOs cruising the hood and they didn’t have the decency to honk and wave going by? Speaking of things you may or may not to be oblivious of, here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks (or “movies”) that may or may not require your attention…

DOBAARA: SEE YOUR EVIL (June 2, 2017)
“Natasha and Kabeer Merchant come across a strange mirror while dealing with the death of their parents.”

A haunted mirror story, this one being from Bollywood and based on Oculus (2013) to the point of copyright infringement. There have been dozens of haunted mirror movies through the ages. And they all owe their plots to The Picture of Dorian Grey (1945), the story of a cursed portrait painting. They didn’t have mirrors back in the ’40s, so people had to paint picture selfies to see what they looked like. Problem is, if you had hot dog mustard on your upper lip at the time of the painting… You can see why mirrors had to be invented.

Awakening The Zodiac

AWAKENING THE ZODIAC (June 9, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“A down-on-their-luck couple discovers a serial killer’s film reels. They decide to take the law into their own hands, risking everything for the chance at a $100,000 reward. It isn’t long until they find themselves in the killer’s lethal cross-hairs.”

This one’s based on the real-life Zodiac Killer, who back in the late ‘60s, killed a bunch of people in California and was never caught. Things might have ended differently if he tried doing his dirty deeds in Gotham City.

Violent Staar

VIOLENT STARR (2017)
“Peace in the galaxy — or whats left of it — is crumbling. The evil god-like creature, the GODMICHAEL, a giant head floating in space and his evil minions are swarming out to eliminate creatures and races that the Godmichael deems “unworthy.”

Godmichael. Sounds like a name for a Christian metal band. As for the giant floating head, been done — in 1974. What, you haven’t seen Zardoz? If you wanna see a giant floating head, start there. Or look in the mirror, you stoners — ha!

Still/Born

STILL/BORN (2017/2018)
“Mary, a new mother who lost one of her twins in childbirth. While she struggles with the loss of one of her children, she starts to suspect something sinister is after her surviving child — a supernatural entity that has chosen her child and will stop at nothing to take it from her.”

Evil follows kids around like ice cream trucks. The horror movie theme of a supernatural entity taking kids away from their parents is nothing new, though. This was the bone structure of Rosemary’s Baby (1968), The Omen franchise (1976 — 2006) and It (1990). A similar one to watch is Stephen King’s Storm of the Century (1999). It’s like they combined evil with a bad weather report. Neat!

UFOs, Gunslingers, Clowns and Snowmen

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Phoenix Forgotten

On the eve of April 2, 2017’s Wrestlemania XXXIII (that’s 33 for all you non-Roman numeral types), The Undertaker is back to win again, something he’s done every Wrestlemania except one in the last three-plus decades. It’s rumored that he’ll retire after this match. Can’t say I blame him; one can only be dropped on your head for so many years before your luck runs out and your skull hits the mat like a freshness expired tomato.

The Undertaker would make a great horror movie icon after he hangs up his tights. What screams horror more than “you can’t kill a dead guy”? While you ponder that, here are a few upcoming horror movies that’ll no doubt give you a headache…

PHOENIX FORGOTTEN (April 21, 2017)
“In the spring of 1997, several residents of Phoenix, Arizona claimed to witness mysterious lights in the sky. This phenomenon, which became known as The Phoenix Lights, remains the most famous UFO sighting in American history. On July 23, 1997, three high school student filmmakers went missing while camping in the desert outside Phoenix. The purpose of their trip was to document their investigation into the Phoenix Lights. They were never seen again. Twenty years later, Sarah Bishop, a documentary filmmaker and younger sibling of one of the missing, returns to Phoenix to delve into the their disappearances and the emotional trauma left on those that knew them. Nothing can prepare her for the shocking discovery of a tape from the night her brother and his friends disappeared.”

This sounds exactly like The Phoenix Tapes ’97, right down to the premise of found footage and video cameras that never seem to run out of juice. With four other movies using The Phoenix Lights as a plot device (not counting the numerous documentaries), you’d think aliens would get their lawyers on the copyright case. Given the current state of affairs, it would be a hoot to have an illegal alien sue the U.S.

The Dark Tower

THE DARK TOWER (July 28, 2017)
“The last gunslinger, Roland Deschain has been locked in an eternal battle with Walter O’Dim, also known as the Man in Black, determined to prevent him from toppling the Dark Tower, which holds the universe together. With the fate of the worlds at stake, good and evil will collide in the ultimate battle as only Roland can defend the Tower from the Man in Black.”

Not sure how they’re gonna pull this off as its based on EIGHT Stephen King novels, beginning in 1982, and kitchen sinks it with themes of dark fantasy, science fantasy, horror, and Western. (What — no Acid Jazz Goth?) But hey, it still sounds like a good excuse to sit in a movie theater while munching on light bulb heated popcorn and sipping from smuggled airline bottles of Mezcal.

It

IT (September 8, 2017)
“When children begin to disappear in the town of Derry, Maine, a group of young kids are faced with their biggest fears when they square off against an evil clown named Pennywise, whose history of murder and violence dates back for centuries.”

The clown is about to get down. The original It (1990), based on the Stephen King novel of the same name with 100,000 pages in 37 formats, was a mini series made for sanitized television programming. But the new It is a movie and will probably carry a triple XXX rating. Or maybe an R. Doesn’t matter; as long as it doesn’t water itself down for TV like the original. (Disclaimer — Tim Curry did a pretty good job as Pennywise. Everybody else, not so much.)

The Snowman

THE SNOWMAN (October 13, 2017)
Detective Harry Hole investigates the disappearance of a woman whose pink scarf is found wrapped around an ominous-looking snowman.”

Detective Harry Hole. Sounds like a serviceable porn star name. And Snowmen wearing scarves? That’s pretty fashionable for someone made out of a non-flavored Slushee™. Wonder if it was a nice silk ascot or one of those cheap knock-offs you get at 7-Eleven™? Seems to me, though, that snowmen should be wearing leg warmers. Now THERE’S a timeless fashion statement.

Cut-up Clowns

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Clowntown

Clown horror has been around as long as there have been clowns. As of late it seems this odd horror sub-genre is making another honk-honk bid for your circus coupons with the imminent release of Clowntown (2016) and the re-boot of Stephen King’s long-winded mini-series, It (2017) and its painted protagonist, Pennywise, a seriously f’d up downtown clown. And if you haven’t seen it, check out Eli Roth’s Clown (2016). That one is double f’d up – in a good way.

Ckown / It

Clowntown, arriving September 2016 on all formats (except eight-track), goes to the hoop with this: “This is story of a group of friends who get stranded in a seemingly abandoned town and find themselves stalked by a gang of violent psychopaths dressed as clowns. It is loosely inspired by the clowns who terrorized Bakersfield, California, in 2014.”

Killer Klowns / The Funhouse

Cleaver / Clownhouse / The Last Circus

I heard about that Bakersfield thing and thought it was a publicity stunt for a traveling circus. Unfortunately, it was for real – the clowns were running around scaring people. Those juvenile jesters should get the death penalty, or worse – a frowning of a lifetime.

100 Tears / Stitches / Sick

Mr. Jingles / Scary or Die / Clownstrophobia

My first exposure to prime time clowns came in the form of Bozo The Clown, a Saturday morning kid’s show icon. Never bought into his business model as I couldn’t understand why a grown man would put on a day-glo fright wig, paint his face white, and have a rubber ball for a nose. Then I discovered beer and answered my own question.

Final Draft / Mockingbird / Killjoy

I’ve seen a lot of horror clown movies and they’re all pretty much the same and can be put in the slasher category. Some of them are memorable (the Killjoy series), The rest hit and miss. Mostly miss.

Dead Clowns / Circus of the Dead

But for my carnival cash there are only two clowns that rock my world. First up is the super scary Twisty, from the fourth season American Horror Story: Freak Show. He’s so f’d up, he’ll make you crap someone else’s pants.

Twisty

But for pure hilariousness, I’m going with Down-O: The World’s Most Depressed Clown. The kicker: He can only get it up when a chick hits him in the face with a pie. To call that less than brilliant would be a huge injustice. (FYI: No photo provided as Down-O doesn’t like getting his picture taken. But trust me, it’s funnier than a rubber nose.)