Archive for Vampires

Canned Puke, Medicated Zombies, Vampire Socialite

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Christmas Tinner

It makes sense that upscale eateries like Burger King™ and McDonald’s™ annually come out with seasonal themed food-like substances. But Christmas Tinner™, an entire holiday meal in a can, easily takes the crown.

In what seems like something out of a horror movie, Christmas Tinner™ is a nine-layer meal that includes everything you need for a traditional Christmas dinner, including dessert. I think I just thew up in my own mouth.

Christmas Tinner

If you have a strong stomach, the “meal” starts with scrambled egg and bacon (WTF?), then layers down to mince pie, turkey and potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, Brussel sprouts/broccoli with stuffing, roast carrots and parsnips. And if this wasn’t enough, they stuff Christmas pudding at the bottom. All of a sudden, gas station sushi doesn’t seem so bad after all.

Christmas Tinner

Wonder if it looks the same way coming out as it does going in? While you chew on that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have you needing your stomach pumped after watching ‘em. (P.S. Christmas Tinner™ photos courtesy of Chris Godfrey)…

Elves

ELVES (December, 2018)
“The Holiday Reaper, a ruthless killer that terrorized a small Texas town, has been caught. While celebrating, a group of friends find an elf inside a magical toy box. When a freak accident kills one of them, they discover a group of elves have been scattered throughout town, each representing one of the seven deadly sins. It’s a race against time to survive the elves’ wrath before Christmas ends.”

A gang of homicidal elves trying to ruin Christmas? I bet Santa is rolling over in his Christmas Tinner™.

Leprechaun Returns

LEPRECHAUN RETURNS (2018/2019)
“The deadly, wisecracking Leprechaun is back in all his gory glory. When the sorority sisters of the Alpha Upsilon house decide to go green and use an old well as their water source, they unwittingly awaken a pint-sized, green-clad monster. The Leprechaun wants a pot of gold buried near the sorority house, but first, he must recover his powers with a killing spree — and only the girls of AU can stop him.”

You’d think they would’ve pulled life support on this one after the disastrous Leprechaun Origins (2014). That one was so bad, even non-Hollywood Leprechauns boycotted the movie.

Altered Skin

ALTERED SKIN (February, 2019)
“During a routine hospital round, Insiya Zia, a Pakistani doctor, contracts a virus called the MN-2. A devastating pathogen, the virus causes uncontrollable outbursts of violent rage. With no cure in sight, the doctors have no choice but put Insiya in a state of induced coma. Meanwhile, the virus continues to spread through the country. The only relief is a drug called Cidhar, sold as an adhesive patch. However, it’s not a cure. All it does is calm the symptoms for a few hours. As Insiya’s condition continues to deteriorate, it appears her husband has accepted her impending death. But then the dead body of an investigative reporter turns.”

The Returned

A Pakistani zombie movie that borrows (i.e., steals) from The Returned, a 2013 Spanish/Canadian film that goes a little like this: “When a rare and difficult to obtain medicine that requires daily doses to stave off the effects of a zombie infection runs low, a physician and her infected husband go on the run to avoid angry demonstrators.”

They go to all this trouble when beer is the cure-all to pretty much everything, except it turns you into a zombie as opposed to the other way around.

Morbid Colors

MORBID COLORS (2019)
“Two foster sisters hunt down a socialite whom they believe infected the elder sibling with vampirism.”

Being a vampire seems like a better option than having a Rent-A-Center™ parent.

Playing With Zombies, Frat Massacre, Mansion Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the Living Dead

As it is the 50th anniversary of the zombie cult classic, Night of the Living Dead (1968), CMON, Ltd. has acquired the license to turn the movie into a board game that includes miniature PVC figures, board, dice, tokens, coins and cards. What, no half-gnawed body parts?

Night of the Living Dead

A statement from CMON, Ltd. had this to say about that: “Night of the Living Dead is the quintessential zombie movie,” says Geoff Skinner, CMON’s VP of Media Development. “It’s an honor to work with such a property, and we are excited to be able to partner with Living Dead Media and Image Ten on creating a game worthy of the movie’s legacy.”

Night of the Living Dead

There was an unofficial NOTLD fan-made game that came out about 10 years ago. Created by Dennis L. Bishop and designed by Richard Dengel, the play was bare bones (no pun intended), but stayed faithful to the movie’s groove. Just sayin’.

While we impatiently wait for the new NOTLD game (releasing November 23, 2018), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you bored/board…

Haunting on Fraternity Row

HAUNTING ON FRATERNITY ROW (November 2, 2018)
“A fraternity house throws their final party of the year, a massive Luau extravaganza, but when fraternity brothers and co-eds begin dying horrible deaths they discover an evil entity has taken over the house.”

A massive Luau extravaganza and an evil entity special guest? I just have one word for you — when and where?

Blood Bags

BLOOD BAGS (2018)
“A creature stalks the corridors of an abandoned mansion. Two friends break in and discover that all exits have been sealed off and the creature that hunts them is growing hungry for their blood; there is no escape.”

Hungry for blood? Shouldn’t that be thirsty for blood, as blood is kinda liquid-y? Need proof? Have you ever seen Dracula chew after downing a refreshing neck cocktail?

RAVERS (2018/2019)
“Ravers follows an illegal night-time rave, in a factory where contaminated energy drinks caused a worker to go fatally berserk, that turns into a nightmare. As a forgotten batch of the drink is found and consumed by drunken ravers, a truly terrifying physical transformation takes over and those unaffected try to escape in panic.”

Sounds like a spin on Office Uprising (2017) and the tainted energy drink scenario. But ravers who guzzle energy drinks already know that it makes them goon out — just watch ‘em dance. Truly horrifying.

The Head

THE HEAD (2019)
“A warrior travels wild expanses on horseback, pursuing the monster that murdered his daughter. His thirst for revenge is the driving force of a film constructed with very few elements, minimalistic and epic at the same time, where fantasy and horror find their more physical and gory incarnations.”

Horseback? Why didn’t just drive after the monster in a cool sports car? Heck, he could put his warrior fanny pack in the trunk, set the car on cruise control and kick back until it’s time to kick ass.

Ghosts That Don’t Know They’re Ghosts

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Ghosts, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 30, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Others

Her husband went away to war (version 2.0), leaving the icy Nicole Kidman to care for her bratty-ass kids, both of whom just happen to be sunshine-intolerant. Like vampires, they’ll go up like an unattended campfire hot dog if exposed to daylight. Sounds yummy.

The Others

But they don’t call ’em vampires; they simply state the kids are “photo-sensitive. They live in a spooky-ass house with more rooms than a Vegas hotel, and all the curtains have to be closed so the kids don’t fry like unattended bacon in a microwave.

The Others

For some reason, the help has run off without collecting their paychecks. So new housekeepers show up, then the scary fun starts — sort of. There are people in the house who don’t belong there, opening and closing doors, playing the piano, stomping on the floors as if members of the Bigfoot Ballet.

The Others

The mystery deepens when Kidman discovers old photographs of the house’s previous tenants, all of whom had their picture taken after they were dead. Then someone takes all the curtains down. A few chills, but nothing to get your goose bumps riled up about. Kidman is Hollywood gorgeous and suitably gooned out, but its her mouthy kids that oddly provide most of the entertainment.

The Others

At this point you should be able to figure out the ending. If not, then you need to watch Burnt Offerings, a 1976 classic haunted house flick that The Others (2001) borrows bare nakedly from.

Sewer Clowns, Shark Mash-up, British Vampire

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 23, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pennywise

Hard to find a scarier horror icon than the new Pennywise from 2017’s mega-hit film, It. The movie made, like 12 billion dollars at the box office. I’m visibly shocked you never heard of it.

Pennywise

So MezcoToyz.com, looking to cash in, has designed a 15” tall/fully articulated Pennywise The Dancing Clown doll in shockingly cool detail. Even better — the darn thing spouts six of his famous lines. (My fav — “You’ll float, too!” I bet he came up with that line while slogging around the sewers and being inspired by other, um, stuff that floats.)

Pennywise

Yes, you need to own the M.D.S. Mega Scale Talking Pennywise — and it ain’t cheap; $98 circus coupons, according to their website. The figure can be pre-ordered on Mezco’s website [click here] and it’ll ship between March and May of 2019. That’s like next year, or something.

Pennywise

While you get an advance on your next paycheck, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not float like you when you’re slogging around the sewer…Tumbbad

TUMBBAD (December 10, 2018)
“In the rural village of Tumbbad, a decaying castle hides an immeasurable ancestral fortune guarded by something ancient, sinister, and monstrous. Vinayak thinks he can control it, but how long will it be until his own greed destroys everything he’s built?”

Yep, there’s a rumored treasure in this gigantic, spiderweb-y abandoned castle. And curse the luck — it’s down a deep hole where an evil thingamajig taunts you to take it, resulting in dire consequences. Like I would ever need goading, geez. Does ancient evil even know me?

Sharracuda

SHARRACUDA (2018)
“A small coastal town is suddenly attacked by a giant mutated shark. Three young metalheads, an unusual priest and a weird marine biologist decide to throw themselves in the pursuit of the creature with heavy artillery, blessed weapons and fierce fight. Is the monster an aberration caused by pollution, a government experiment or is he the manifestation of Satan? Who cares: The hunt is on!”

Not even sure if this one is out yet or not, despite my frantic clicking the computer mouse really fast. So a shark/barracuda hybrid monster. Sure, why not? Bonus #2: Apparently, the soundtrack is filled with underground death metal, hardcore, punk, doom and stoner bands from around the world. Forget the Sharracuda; the music alone will probably kill you.

The Vampyre

THE VAMPYRE (2019)
“A young Englishman and his sister fall prey to a dark and malevolent force.”

Okay, it’s like they’re not even trying to sell this one, which makes it YET ANOTHER boring vampire, I mean “vampyre”movie. (Spelling it different won’t make it any less boring.)

Tuftland

TUFTLAND (March 1, 2019)
“A headstrong textile student Irina accepts a summer job offer from the isolated and self-sufficient village of Kyrsyä, only to quickly realize that the offbeat hillbillies who inhabit the small town aren’t as harmless as they may seem.”

Never trust a hillbilly. Words to live by.

Wonderful Woman, Unpronounceable Ghost, Reverse-Santa

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wonder Woman 1984

Found this magnificent and suitable for holding up with one hand fan art of Wonder Woman 1984, her new movie which punches theaters right in the screen June 5, 2020. The illustration, done by the insanity talented Juan Carlos Ruiz Burgos, is just what we need to help pass the time until Wonder Woman enriches our lives once again.

Wonder Woman 1984

Not that you need it, but here’s the bare bones plot of WW84: “Wonder Woman squares off against the Cheetah, a villainess who possesses superhuman strength and agility.”

Wonder Woman

They had me at Wonder Woman. So while we impatiently count down the excruciating long days until the movie premiers, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not punch you in the screen…

Monstrum

MONSTRUM (available now)
Yoon Gyeom is a loyal subject of King Jung Jong of Joseon. He struggles to fight against a monster that threatens King Jung Jong’s life and a group of people trying to depose him.”

The movie’s key art brings me to the brink of soiling my britches. That giant monster seriously goons me out, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because the Monstrum isn’t looking at Yoon, but rather in my general direction. I need a box of moist towelettes.

Kuntilanak

KUNTILANAK (available now)
“A group of kids agree to explore an abandoned house in order to win a reality show contest, which requires them to prove that the stories of the evil Kuntilanak are real. They soon discover that the ghost is very much real when it appears from an old mirror and starts haunting them.”

Be VERY CAREFUL of how you pronounce this movie title using your outdoor voice.

An Accidental Zombie (Named Ted)

AN ACCIDENTAL ZOMBIE (NAMED TED) (available now)
Ted knows he’s not a zombie. He just picked up a ‘skin thing’ on his vacay in The Caribbean. But his hilariously kooky family is not convinced, especially after he brings home a hot vampire he met in group therapy.”

Picked up a “skin thing”. Happens more often than not when you hang out in bowling alley bars. That’s where you’ll find hot vampires as well. (You can tell by they’re vampires just by their shoes and, possibly, bowling scores.)

Krampus: Origins

KRAMPUS ORIGINS (November 6, 2018)
“The first World War rages on when a group of American soldiers find a mysterious artifact that can summon the ancient evil of the Krampus. After the men are killed in action, the artifact is sent to the commanding officers widow who is a teacher at a small-town orphanage. The orphans accidentally summon the Krampus and the teacher, and her pupils are forced to battle this ancient evil.”

The Reverse-Santa returns to make unhappiness happen. Not to worried for the orphans, though; they’ve been living the life of ease, what with three hots and a cot. About time they earn their keep. And ancient evil can usually be dealt with just by jiggling the handle.

This Slayer Is Not Metal

Posted in Vampires, Evil with tags , , , , , on October 6, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Slayer

In the lazily-titled Slayer (2006) vampires are wrecking the Rain Forest. They’re wrecking blood-enriched necks, too. What the heck — vampires are wrecking everything.

Slayer

Which is why Casper Van Dien, in all his discount thespian glory, must lead his military group into the jungle to shoot them in the face, one of whom is his military BFF whose been suckified. But since Casper knows as much about vampires as he does acting, his efforts are unsuccessful. 

Was there something else you needed to know?

Fear Sphere

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Orb

One dozen teens in Hawaii go camping to smoke pot, drink booze and rub ankles. As can be expected, this group is fraught with teen dramas, which leads to some punching and swearing and the rubbing of said ankles. What they didn’t know, a small meteor was headed their way and about to land in their campsite. 

This space rock, which looks like a basketball-sized raspberry, splits open and blue orb floats out and attacks the socially-bankrupt kids. Once inside your body, the orb turns you into an ill-tempered teen, making you go all coconuts and attacking your fellow pot smokers. 

Biting into neck flesh (they’re neither vampire or zombie, and yet a bit of both), the possessed starts throwing nice Hawaiian punches, until the orb hops into another body for more of the same. Hard to tell who’s possessed and who isn’t. 

Meanwhile, the military, having experienced the orb years before, tracked it to the island and are forming a welcoming committee with guns. So until they get there, we get to watch teens screaming, cussing, fighting and ankle-rubbing, all done on a hand-held camera. (Not too hard to guess what the filmmaker got for Christmas.) 

The special effects in The Orb (2005) are the kind you’d see in a video game — from 1985. And only one girl puts ’em on the glass; Filmed in the dark, you couldn’t tell if she had nice orbs or not. 

All the filmmaker’s friends and family probably gets a free copy of this painfully lame movie. For everyone else, that’d be over-priced.

(Note to reader: Sorry — no other movie photos. Man, I looked everywhere. Then it made sense to me; the filmmakers were so embarrassed by this flick, the decided to digitally erase this craptacular piece of “art.”)