A Decade of Drinkin’

Wednesday, June 9, 2010, 5:44 pm.

10 years ago to this day I started Drinkin’ & Drive-in, and began a decade long crawl through the gold-filled mud and muck of horror and sci-fi movies that’ve been my obsession since the Dawn of Mankind. And I say that without hyperbole. More or less.

The first blog written/posted was about one of my all-time fav monsters: Gamera, a Godzilla-sized turtle that could shoot flames out of his mouth AND ass. (I can do one or the other, but not both.) Outside of that, I really didn’t have a vision or goal with this blog, other than to blather on about horror movie stuff filled with mouth-twisting typos, 3rd grade grammatical errors and taking extreme liberties with the English language. (I tried Spanish but only managed to learn one word: “cerveza.” I picked the one word that has served me well.)

I’ve really enjoyed e-barfing in public. It’s almost as fun as farting in church. On that note, I’d like to thank long-time readers of Drinkin’ & Drive-in and some awesomely funny comments you’ve left me. (“May the devil guide my poop…” — that still cracks me up, Jon from NC.)

10 years is/was a good run. But now it’s time to say adiós amoebas. I’m off to pursue other life goals, like chasing parked cars, sponge diving in community swimming pools and collecting air. Future hobbies that will never generate any income includes putting out three e-books (already written), possibly another issue ManSplat magazine (been doing that longer than this blog, despite a 10 year absence), learning how to play the kazoo (man, those things are hard to tune), and generally doing loud stuff.

So now I leave you with a final post — feel free to finish this sentence…

“The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar…”

Zombie Snacks, Killer Trees, Blood Boat

Clicked across HarcosLabs.com, a site that sells blood bags containing Blood Energy Potion and Zombie Blood, both for $5.99 each (a discount if you buy in volume). And while you’re sucking down these must-have beverages, you can chew on their Zombie Jerky and Dried Zombie Skin ($4.99 and $3.69 respectively). If you’re mouth isn’t watering by now, you must be dead.

Here’s the product plot info: “We have provided the world’s first drinkable synthetic blood substitute available for human consumption.  This fantastic fruit punch-flavored beverage packs 4 hours of energy 80mg of caffeine together with iron and electrolytes. Not only does Blood Energy Potion have a similar nutritional make-up to real blood, it has the same color, look, and consistency.” Sadly, they go one to say these drinks do not contain any real blood. That’d just jack up the price.

Time to raid the swear jar AGAIN and order me two of everything. Before you follow suit, here are a few available now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as Dried Zombie Skin…

DON’T COME BACK FROM THE MOON (available now)
“In a dusty town at the edge of the world, the men of a small community begin to vanish one by one. Theories about their whereabouts swirl through the ether as their wives and teenage children wait for their return.”

Anyone think to check the local dive bar?

THE ORCHARD (2019)
“A sheriff gets called to an orchard where three teenage sisters have been attacked by a band of young delinquents. Arriving on the scene, the lawman soon realizes a malevolent force lurks within the grounds that will drag everyone into a fight for their lives.”

This sounds suspiciously like The X-Files episode “Schizogeny” (9th episode, 5th season/1998), wherein Mulder and Scully investigate a rural orchard that has killer trees. It was better than it sounds.

BLOOD VESSEL (2019)
“Somewhere in the North Atlantic, late 1945. A life raft adrift at sea, and in it, the survivors of a torpedoed hospital ship: With no food, water, or shelter, all seems lost — until an abandoned German minesweeper drifts ominously towards them, giving them one last chance at survival.”

This one came out in 2018 in Australia, wherever that is. Now we get Australia’s leftovers. Funny title, though. Surprised Dracula didn’t name his fishing boat that.

Bloody Vampires, Bloody Puppets, Bloody Expensive Guitars

With Game of Thrones dominating the non-political headlines, the series final season has people tripping all over themselves to cash in before its relegated to binge-watching re-runs. [Disclaimer: I tried to get into GoT and only made it through the first five episodes. There were so many characters/story lines that clashed with my attention deficit disorder, I’d have needed an abacus to keep track.]

Fender Custom Shop™ is releasing three GoT themed guitars. Even if you don’t play the git-fiddle, these things would make you look awesome just carrying ‘em around, like to the store or while commuting to work on a flying dragon. Here’s the deets:

“As opulent as its namesake — the ambitious house with designs on the Iron Throne — the Sigil Collection Game of Thrones House Lannister Jaguar is an homage to that avaricious clan. This bespoke guitar was painstakingly crafted by Principal Master Builder, Ron Thorn, who called on his extensive experience with materials to work 24k gold leaf into the elegant, sweeping form of the Jaguar. Crafted to order, this guitar could only have come from Westeros — and the Dream Factory, the Fender Custom Shop.”

“Avaricious” is an interesting term to use in a press release. It means “having or showing an extreme greed for wealth or material gain.” Well, heck — it’s like they’re inside my head! Unfortunately, my lack of wealth will keep me from buying one of these guitars, which range in price from $25,000 to $35,000.

If you need something to watch after Game of Thrones concludes, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not have been made for $25,000 to $35,000 smackos…

BLOOD FROM STONE (2019)
“A woman trying to escape the vampire’s grip, and struggles to cope with the vampire curse in a society where old ways refuse to die.”

Why fight it? I’d love to be a vampire. I kinda am already as I suck on long necks. Heh.

THE ROOM (2019)
“Kate and Matt are a young couple in their thirties in search of a more authentic and healthy life. They leave the city to move into an old house in the middle of nowhere. Soon they discover a secret hidden room that has the extraordinary power to materialize anything they wish for. Their new life becomes a true fairytale. They spend days and nights indulging their every desire of material possession, swimming in money and champagne. Yet beneath this apparent state of bliss, something darker lurks: some wishes can have dire consequences. That room could very well turn their dream into a nightmare when it gives them what they’ve been waiting forever and that nature was denying them.”

I liked it better when it was called The Monkey’s Paw.

BLOOD RISE: SUBSPECIES V (February 14, 2020)
Spanning 500 years in the life of the vampire Radu Vladislas, this long-anticipated prequel to the Subspecies series chronicles Radu’s descent from a noble warrior for the Church to a depraved creature of the night. Stolen by crusaders on the night of his birth, he has no knowledge of his bloodline: his mother a demon; father a vampire. Trained and exploited by a brotherhood of mystic monks to slay all enemies of the Church, fate brings him back one night to the castle of his father, armed with the monster-slaying Sword of Laertes, to destroy the vampire Vladislas and reclaim a holy relic: the Bloodstone. The events of that night turn Radu from a noble man into a vampire with no master, setting him on a centuries-long quest for sustenance, for companionship, for the treacherous one who stole him from the sun, and for the Bloodstone he hopes will bring him peace.

Even as uneven as the Subspecies movies (four flicks, 1991 — 1998) have been, it’s nice to see Radu back in action and licking the Bloodstone like it was a bleeding ice cream cone. After all these years, though, he’s looking a bit long in the tooth. Ahem.

BLADE: THE IRON CROSS (February 14, 2020)
“Charles Band’s Puppet Master series continues as an unspeakable evil from Blade’s past emerges in the form of a murderous Nazi scientist named Dr. Hauser. As Hauser’s heinous crimes are discovered, the psychic war journalist, Elisa Ivanov, awakens Blade, and together the bloody journey of revenge begins. It’s Herr Hauser’s reanimated undead army versus a possessed doll and a beautiful vengeance-seeking clairvoyant.”

This will be the 15th (!) installment in the Puppet Master film series, which began in 1989. That’s one helluva puppet show. For a really fun killer puppet movie, try Trilogy of Terror (1975), featuring the legendary (and toothy) Zuni fetish doll. That thing caused me to bespoil my trousers back in the day. The cleverly named sequel, Trilogy of Terror II, was released in 1996. I chose to not watch it as getting stains out of britches is not as easy as Oxi Clean™ Refreshing Lavender & Lily Liquid Laundry Detergent claims it is.

Choke On The Water

In the bereft-of-thrills Japanese horror movie Lake of Dracula (1971), five-year-old Akiko has bigger problems than her unruly dog who breaks from a walk on the beach and ends up in a European (?) mansion where a vampire lives. This mansion sucker is tall, Assembly line haircut and glowing yellow eyes, which look more orange than yellow. Either way, he better see a doctor about that.

Eighteen years later, Akiko, ho now lives by a lake instead of the ocean (fewer crabs, more mosquitos), keeps having dreams of that vampire who scared the yellow out of her. Her nightmares have just come to fruition after a local boat operator/lake janitor receives a shipment from an unknown sender — it’s a coffin. He opens it and the womb of doom is empty. Even Amazon Prime™ wouldn’t allow returns of this nature. Then, shockingly predictable, the boat guy is attacked and sucked by the SAME VAMPIRE Akikio encountered all those years ago. And his haircut is UNCHANGED.

It doesn’t take long for more people (and dogs) to turn up freshness-expired. Akiko’s boyfriend is a doctor and even he can’t explain the two small holes in people’s necks, though he’ll still bill you for looking at ‘em. One of the victims is Natsuko, Akiko’s perky pretty sister. So bouncy is this cutie, I’m kinda surprised Natsuko didn’t pop like a balloon when the vampire made with the chomp.In a slow burn towards a thankful ending, Natsuko comes back from the dead, Akiko gets gooned out even more, and the vampire’s origins are revealed. Turns out he’s a descendant of (gasp!) Count Dracula. A yawn-inspiring confrontation on a balcony ends with the vampire falling overboard and landing on a protruding steel spike. Looked worse than it probably felt.

If the above hasn’t turned you off to bloodless vampire movies, Lake of Dracula is part of The Bloodthirsty Trilogy, which included The Vampire Doll (1970) and Evil of Dracula (1974). They may or may not make your eyes glow.

Horror Household, Elevator Sharks, Funny Zombies

The Addams Family started out as syndicated cartoon (1938), then a massively popular TV series (1964), an animated cartoon (1973), a TV film (1977), a second animated series (1992 — 1993), two big screen films (1991/1993), a touring theatre play (2017), a video game series, academic books, and soundtracks based around its Grammy-nominated theme song. Now the eccentrically macabre family gets yet another reboot as The Addams Family, a big-budget animated movie coming out October 18, 2019. To this date, my family has done none of the above.

Here’s the plot: “The family they faces off against a crafty reality TV host while also preparing for their extended family to arrive for a major celebration.”

Lots of celebrity vocal cords are lending their verbal skillz to this one: “Charlize Theron will voice Morticia Addams and Oscar Isaac is voicing Gomez Addams, with Chloë Grace Moretz as Wednesday Addams. The cast also includes Finn Wolfhard as Pugsley Addams, Nick Kroll as Uncle Fester, Bette Midler as Grandmama, Allison Janney as Margaux Needler, and Elsie Fisher as Parker Needler, the daughter of Margaux.

Chloë Grace Moretz, who voices Wednesday Addams, has in her vast acting resume, played a doomed kid in a haunted house (The Amityville Horror/2005), a vampire (Let Me In/2010), a werewolf (Dark Shadows/2012), a telekinetic prom queen (Carrie/2013), a mini superhero (Kick-Ass/2010, Kick-Ass 2/2013), and a freedom fighter defending Earth from aliens (The 5th Wave/2016). I hereby nominate her for an Academy Award for being awesome. 

Here’s a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as awesome as Chloë Grace Moretz…

THE SILENCE (April 10, 2019/Netflix™)
“When the world is under attack from terrifying creatures who hunt their human prey by sound, 16-year old Ally Andrews, who lost her hearing at 13, and her family seek refuge in a remote haven. But they discover a sinister cult who are eager to exploit Ally’s heightened senses.”

Wasn’t the idea of creatures hunting people animals by sound the premise of A Quiet Place (2018)? I can hear a lawsuit in the distance.  

THE DEAD DON’T DIE (June 14, 2019)
“The Dead Don’t Die is an upcoming American zombie horror comedy film, written and directed by Jim Jarmusch. It stars Adam Driver, Bill Murray, Selena Gomez, Chloë Sevigny, Steve Buscemi, Austin Butler, Tilda Swinton, Tom Waits, and Caleb Landry Jones.”

No plot just yet, but you could probably figure it out. It’s also being billed as “the greatest zombie cast ever disassembled.” That’s pretty dang funny.

47 METERS DOWN: UNCAGED (August 16, 2019)
“Four teens diving in a ruined underwater city quickly find themselves in a watery hell as their adventure turns to horror when they learn they are not alone in the submerged caves. As they swim deeper into the claustrophobic labyrinth of caves they enter the territory of the deadliest shark species in the ocean.”

The above art is actually a screen grab of an elevator in Vegas, which is a clever new way to advertise a movie. (There’s also a hilarious Child’s Play elevator as well.) I bet the elevator only goes down. 47 meters, is what I’m thinkin’.

ANNABELLE COMES HOME (June 28, 2019)
“Determined to keep Annabelle from wreaking more havoc, demonologists Ed and Lorraine Warren bring the possessed doll to the locked artifacts room in their home, placing her ‘safely’ behind sacred glass and enlisting a priest’s holy blessing. But an unholy night of horror awaits as Annabelle awakens the evil spirits in the room, who all set their sights on a new target — the Warrens’ ten-year-old daughter, Judy, and her friends.”

Think we just found Chucky a new girlfriend.

Carnival Dinosaurs, Uncle Zombie Wants You, Girly Vampires

If you have mounting a dinosaur on your bucket list (okay, that came out wrong), get ready to scratch it off when Universal Studios Hollywood opens the theme-park attraction, Jurassic World — The Ride, summer of 2019. Now you won’t have to travel back in time (another bucket list line item) 145 to 201 million years ago for the experience.

Here’s how they’re gonna justify a high ticket price: “Once aboard specially designed rafts, guests will navigate the lush environs of dense vegetation, traversing new areas besieged with towering dinosaurs meandering just an arm’s length away from visitors. Encounters with such docile creatures as the Stegosaurus and Parasaurolophus will quickly turn awry as predatory Velociraptors and Dilophosaurus begin to wreak havoc, turning guests from spectators to prey. When the Tyrannosaurus rex begins to battle one of the attraction’s new behemoth dinosaurs, the rafts will spill down a treacherous 84-foot waterfall as the sole means of escape.”

While I personally tend to stay away from carnival rides that can kill you (I’m looking in your direction, extra-spin-y Merry-Go-Round), I’ll be content to watch you do it. While you unpack that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as fun as a raft full of screaming people going over an 84-foot waterfall…

THE MAN WITH THE MAGIC BOX (April 4, 2019)
“This Orwellian sci-fi thriller is set in the dystopian future of 2030 Warsaw. A man wakes up without any memory of his previous life. He is assigned an apartment and a job as a janitor in an office building. But when he finds an old radio from the 1950s, it triggers mysterious visions of another past life. As he tries to piece together his past identity with the help of his beautiful but aloft boss, he runs afoul of a totalitarian government willing to do anything to stop him. A beguiling sci-fi love story that is at turns bleak, absurd, unsettling, and oddly affecting.”

A dystopian future that’s a sci-fi love story? I liked it better when it was called A Boy And His Dog (1975).

DEAD TRIGGER (May 3, 2019)
“A mysterious virus has killed billions and turned many others into bloodthirsty zombies. Unable to stop the virus, the government develops a video game Dead Trigger that mirrors the terrifying events that curse the world. The players who kill the most zombies in the game are recruited to combat the zombie horde in real life. Led by Captain Kyle Walker, the elite team travels to Terminal City, the origin of the outbreak, to find a team of scientists who have been working on a possible cure for the virus. The only way to get to them, however, is through a city full of terrifying undead mutants.”

Several observations: 1.) Zombies are not blood thirsty. They don’t even drink. If you need a designated driver, ride with a zombie. 2.) Being good with a gun on a video game does not make you a special ops shooter in real life. You have to be in rap video for those kinds of creds. 3.) A possible cure for the zombie virus is not possible. If there was, then why would we want to watch zombie movies? 4.) This plot is pulled from the cookie sheet of hundreds of similar zombie movies. But that’s kinda obvious.

THE FURIES (2019)
Rebellious high school students Kayla and her best friend Maddie are stalked and abducted by a sinister presence while out bombing their neighborhood with graffiti. Waking up, in the woods, bound and disoriented in a claustrophobic coffin-like apparatus, Kayla’s first thought is of Maddie. Before she has a chance to ruminate on the dreadful fate that may have befallen her friend, Kayla notices a terrifying masked man fast approaching, armed with a razor-sharp ax. As a chase ensues, it soon becomes clear that Kayla and her pursuer are not alone.

The punishment for unlawful graffiti a razor-sharp ax? Sounds too lenient.

CARMILLA (2019)
“Miss Fontaine is a governess to 15-year-old Lara who lives in total isolation in her family home. Struggling to find an outlet for her burgeoning sexuality, Lara is enchanted by the mysterious Carmilla and the pair strike up a passionate relationship. However, with rumors and superstition rife and with the exhortation of the family doctor Carmilla’s presence in their home begins to strike fear into those around her.”

This one is said to be inspired by the 1872 same named novel (or “book”) by Sheridan Le Fanu, and is considered one of the first works of vampire fiction. I didn’t know vampires could read.

Dine ’n Dash Dinosaur

The ink blot-sized coastal town of Beaver Mills is located in Alaska, due north of the Arctic Circle. This suggests they have the coldest beer on Earth. It also means the sun doesn’t set for the summer solstice (sorry, vampires). And that means the ice caps are melting, releasing the Jurassic contents therein.

A flying lizard dragon known as the Wyvern (dumb name) thaws out and is expectedly peckish. Time for some take out — a fisherman, the town doctor, a redneck… It’s okay to eat junk food every once in a while — just remember to floss.

Once the town’s screaming citizens find out they’re on the Wyvern’s fresh sheet, it’s time to change their soiled britches and make a plan to kill the beast, which has been killing/eating everyone out in the woods, on the highway, and hiding in laughably ironic restaurants.

Someone discovers the Wyvern has laid eggs in the woods and the plan is to use them as bait to murder the all-you-can-eat monster. A showdown between a diesel truck outfitted with Wyvern omelettes and the mad-flapping creature ends in the end of all things prehistoric and 18-wheels.

Wyvern (2009), part of the Man-Eater series, has all the formulaic elements required for a sub-budget SyFy™ Channel time-waster: cliched characters with guns going off left and right, collateral damage and a poorly designed/digitally rendered monster that looks more suited to a video game from 1985 than a TV screen. And while there’s a couple of good gore scenes (bye-bye, arm, head, leg), this thing belongs back in the freezer.

Mastering Shadows, Extreme Physicians, Horny Aliens

If you were a fan of the Goth horror soap opera Dark Shadows (1966 — 1971), then you’ll no doubt make happy happen in your pants over the April 16, 2019 release of Master of Dark Shadows, a comprehensive celebration of the legendary daytime series and its visionary creator, Dan Curtis. If you have no idea what the heckaroo I’m talking about, you can find the massively influential series on Amazon Prime™ and even some boot-leggy low-res versions on YouTube™ and get with the program.

From the press release: “In 1966, a phenomenon was launched when Dark Shadows debuted on ABC-TV as a daily Gothic suspense series. Airing in the late afternoon, the show attracted a massive youth audience as it shifted to the supernatural with the introduction of vulnerable vampire Barnabas Collins. Witches, ghosts, werewolves and scary story lines turned Dark Shadows into a TV classic that led to motion pictures, remakes, reunions and legions of devoted fans who have kept the legend alive for five decades.”

While we wait for Master of Dark Shadows to bring us back to a time when vampires, witches, ghosts, and werewolves finally got some mainstream moments in the spotlight, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have you making happy in your pants…

BLACK SITE (April 9, 2019)
“Ren Reid was orphaned as a child when a member of an ancient race known as the Elder Gods killed her parents. Twenty years have passed; and a fractured Ren now works for Artemis, an organization set up to contain and then deport these entities back to where they came from. When the Elder God responsible for Ren’s childhood tragedy is caught and brought to the Black Site for deportation, Ren must partner with an unlikely ally as the last line of defense against a wave of worshipers hellbent on releasing their deity back into the world. With the facility on lock-down and the enemy closing in, Ren has just hours to avenge her parents and prove once and for all that she is worthy of wearing the Artemis uniform.”

I hate it when the Elder Gods yell at me to get off their lawn. The plot, though, seems a bit top heavy; why can’t they just loose half the cast and put in all-purpose explosions and car chase scenes?

HI-DEATH (2019)
“From the makers of Hi-8, five new twisted tales showcasing the talents of both veteran and emerging horror filmmakers. When two young women take the “Terror Tour” through the underbelly of Hollywood, they are led into a bizarre world of unspeakable horror. Their first stop proves that “Death Has a Conscience,” but doesn’t spare the unlucky souls who stumble into his path. Next, a meeting with the “Dealers of Death” exposes the perils of collecting murder memorabilia. Then, it’s off to a quick “Night Drop”, where your next movie rental may be your last. An actress’ worst nightmare unfolds as she is forced to perform a terrifying “Cold Read”, and our Terror Tour comes to a disturbing end as we meet the ancient, seductive evil known as “The Muse”.”

For a couple other cool horror compendiums, give V/H/S (2012) and/or ABCs of Death (2012) anthologies a whack. You can thank me later.

PATIENTS OF A SAINT (2019)
“When medical trials are pushed to their limits, the most extreme tests take place on St. Leonards island, home to a re-purposed prison for some of the world’s most violent criminals. But when one experiment goes horribly wrong, the entire prison becomes a diseased riddled maze for desperate survivors.”

Extreme medical procedures have been going on for a long time. Just ask my proctologist.

SNATCHERS (2019)
“Sara is one of the cool kids; she’s got the right friends, makes the right jokes…and is totally terrified of losing her status. She’d be a lot more secure if she could win back her super-hot ex, Skyler, but he’s not interested unless they move to the next level. Sara decides to take the plunge without protection, but soon discovers Skyler isn’t just horny like a normal teenage boy. Something changed on his summer trip to Mexico. Something…extraterrestrial! Sara wakes up the next morning nine-months pregnant.”

Skylar is a super-hot horny teen alien who doesn’t practice safe sex? Today’s teens have all the fun.

 

Halloween Pulp Fiction

Filmed in a Tales From the Crypt comic book style, Trick ’r Treat (2009) plays as a dark horror comedy with five overlapping stories (think Pulp Fiction/1994) that demonstrates the consequences of breaking Halloween traditions. 

The first one is that you don’t blow out the candle on a Jack-O-Lantern until Halloween is over. OK, I’m guilty of that. What can I say, hot pumpkins stink. Secondly, you’re not supposed to take your decorations down until Halloween is over. No problem there — I usually leave mine up through Christmas. Thirdly, always check your candy. I trick-or-treat for booze, so unless it’s non-alcoholic beer the top comes off, followed by my pants. 

The atmospheric stories all take place on the same Halloween night. “The Principal” revolves around a grade school principal whose homework includes pain, suffering and dismemberment. In that order. “Surprise Party” is a hairy take on the Little Red Riding Hood tale, but this time with hot high school chicks. Let’s just say these girls don’t shave their legs. This story is followed by “The Halloween School Bus Massacre Revisited” and the legend of a school bus driver who drops his mentally-handicapped kids off — in the lake at the bottom of the quarry. (The reason why he did it is actually quite grim — pay attention to this segment. I mean it.)

Local kids round up eight pumpkins as a tribute of those that perished in the “crash.” It was supposed to be a trick played on one of the kids (a gal hinted at being mentally-challenged), but the tables are turned when the drowned students make their way back to the bus stop. “Meet Sam,” the final — and best — story takes place at Old Man Kreeg’s house where Sam, the embodiment of Halloween (this kid is friggin’ creepy), shows up for his treat. Pet Sematary (1989) and the ankle tendon-slicing scene is given a tip of the hat here, while Sam reinforces Halloween’s lessons.

If you’re keeping track, all the characters show up in each other’s stories and give clues as to the secret of each. Very clever stuff. No nudity (dang it), lots of screaming (expected), gushes of blood (spills like a slashed trick-or-treat candy bag), and the smashing of pumpkins. Trick ’r Treat, seasonally appropriate and highly educational, could very well become A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) for this and every Halloween. God bless us all.

Vampire TV, Intellectual Grave-Digging, Cellphone Evil

A couple of cool new key art posters for the impending What We Do In The Shadows TV series arriving March 27. 2019. Cooler, still —  like radioactive flatulence, these things glow in the dark.

I’ve tagged this before, but anything worth peating is worth repeating: “Set in Staten Island, FX’s™ What We Do in the Shadows series follows three vampires who have been roommates for hundreds and hundreds of years.”

The same-titled 2014 movie from which this is derived was one of those unexpected home run hits and, like that spore-like stuff in my fridge — continues to grow — will, without hyperbole, become the greatest comedy vampire movie of all time. Okay, clunky sentence. My head hurts.

Until the series debuts next month, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your farts glow-in-the-dark…

PET GRAVEYARD (April 2, 2019)
“A group of friends are tormented by the Grim Reaper and his sinister pet after they undergo an experiment that allows them to revisit the dead.”

You’d think this Pet Sematary (1989/2019) rip-off is coming from Asylum Studios, who are pros at ripping off original ideas. But someone else is using Asylum’s own business model to get away with the same thing. Hey, Asylum — how does that taste?

SADAKO (May 24, 2019/Japan)
“A YouTuber tries to awaken Sadako’s curse.”

Not much to go on, but Sadako — along with Kayako — are two of Japan’s most bankable horror movie icons. Outside of Godzilla and his frenemies, that is. And yes, you’ll have to go to Japan to watch this when it comes out. Bring me back something, ‘k?

WE SUMMON THE DARKNESS (2019)
“The killing spree of murderous Satanists has already led to 18 deaths throughout America’s Heartland. Three best friends Alexis, Val and Beverly embark on a road trip to a heavy metal music festival. Naive, they bond with three seemingly fun-loving dudes and soon the group heads off to Alexis’ country home, a very secluded place, for an after-party. What should be a night of fun and youthful debauchery may instead take a dark, deadly turn. With killers on the loose, can anyone be trusted?”

Who cares about generic Satanists? I wanna know what bands are on the bill at the heavy metal festival. Hopefully, a few that kill with riffs and solos instead of sprees.

LARRY (2019/20120)
“A troubled young boy and his family become the target of a monster that materialized through electronic devices such as smart phones and tablets.”

The irony here being that smart phones and tablets are already the monsters in our lives. And yes, they took the concept from 1989’s Shocker. Horror never forgets.