Ape Kings, Vacation Snakes, Social Demons

This is way better than that Christmas thing — Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes is in the works for a 2024 release. This makes my banana tingle, what with being a PoA fan since my birth in a dense jungle.

Here’s what is known thus far: “The story takes place after the events of War for the Planet of the Apes (2017), and continues to follow Caesar’s legacy.”

Caesar, if you were inexcusably unaware, is the first ape to talk, and subsequently, talk back. He’s the guy who organized a revolt against presumably tick-free humans in 1972’s Conquest for the Planet of the Apes and made household pets out of them. (Shortly thereafter, there was a run on bigger litter boxes.)

The Planet of the Apes universe started with La Planète des singes, a 1963 book by French guy, Pierre Boulle. To this day, no one knows how to pronounce his last name. What followed were nine movies, a cartoon and live action TV series, as well as a planet of comics, books, video games, toys and swag. King Kong was bitch-ass jealous.

While we throw feces around waiting for this movie to get made (in solidarity with zoo monkeys who fling their poo because zoos won’t give ’em a ball to play with), here are a few upcoming horror movies/sci-fi that may or be compared to an extra-large litter box…

DEINFLUENCER / October 1, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“Kelly wakes up to find that she is being held hostage by a masked kidnapper and needs to complete a series of social media challenges to ensure her safety.”

The social media challenges are necessary: Cancel your Facebook™, Instagram™, Twitter™ and Tik-Tok™ accounts, quit taking fish-lip selfies and posting ‘em for other fish-lips to see, and trade your smart phone for a freakin’ life. 

PYTHON ISLAND / October 4, 2022 (DVD)

“In a village where snake-catching is the livelihood of most of the local populace, a magical tree grew. Because of the tree’s benevolence, it saved one small snake from the villagers and named it “Little Flower.”

“Many years later, Xiaoshu has become a biological researcher, exploring the secrets of genes. Unfortunately, his colleagues with ulterior motives use the power of the magical tree to break into a forbidden area by ​​the snake-catching village: the island where intruders are eaten alive. The island is filled with moisture and weirdness, and it seems there are eyes everywhere; staring at every move made by intruders.”

“Filled with moisture and weirdness.” Are they making fun of me? This movie was released in China in 2021 under the title, Behemoth Anaconda. I once saw a porn movie with the same name. Didn’t have any magic trees in it, but it did have quite a stump.

DON’T F–CK IN THE WOODS 2 / October 11, 2022 (Digital)

Follows Don’t F–ck In The Woods (2016). The counsellors at Pine Hills Summer Camp are getting the grounds ready for the upcoming summer season. A mysterious girl shows up, weak and scared from a previous encounter with a vicious creature that killed all her friends. Little do they know that something followed her to the camp and things are about to get slimy and bloody.”

Misleading title. I fell for it the first time. Not this time.

RISE OF THE BEAST / December 6, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“A group of activists break into a corporate facility they know unsolicited animal testing has been taking place. They discover unimaginable horrors but don’t realize until they’re captured the true extent of what it is they’ve been experimenting with. In a race against time to survive, they must escape friend, foe, and a mutated ape if they mean to get out alive and expose this to the world.”

You don’t wanna monkey around with a mutated ape. Vegan or not, those things will eat your face off. 

17 Godzillas, Pool Monsters, Satanic Country Clubs

Another key art treatment for Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). This would be the ninth one, and I hope they make nine more. I need to cover an entire wall that needs paint. The latest trailer asks the question, how many Titans (embiggened monsters) are there? To which Dr. Ishiro Serizawa replies: “17 — and counting.” I bet one of ‘em is living in the apartment above me, stomping on the floor like it was Tokyo.”

To quell your nervous anticipation for the movie, here are a few upcoming/now available horror movies that may or may not be as horrifying as a paint neglected wall…

DROWNING ECHO (available now)
“During a visit to friends, Sara begins having visions and is attacked by an unearthly creature in her friend’s swimming pool; she soon discovers that anyone who comes into contact with the water is in danger and she is driven to confront the mystical and malevolent creature lurking in the depths.”

When I was a kid and visited local community swimming pools, the unearthly creature at the bottom of the pools was usually a turd. I didn’t do it. But I know who did: Republicans.

THE VELOCIPASTOR (2019)
“After a devastating family tragedy, a priest travels to China to find deeper spirituality, but instead is endowed with an ancient ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first, he is horrified by his newfound superpower, but a local prostitute convinces him to use his newfound gift to fight evil — and ninjas.”

So a priest who can turn into a dinosaur or “Jesus horse.” Now THERE’S a way to make religion way more interesting. Wrote about this back in 2011. Kinda surprised I can remember back that far. It was a trailer for a movie that hadn’t been made yet. Now, all these multiple months later, it’s here. Thank Dino Lord.

HAIL SATAN? (2019)
“The Satanic Temple, a mysterious organization led by Lucien Greaves, has called for a Satanic revolution to save the soul of the US.”

One nation, under Satan, for meanness and evil for all. Isn’t that what’s going on now?

SATANIC PANIC (2019/20120)
“Times are tough for Sam. Already a cancer survivor at 22, she eeks out a meager existence delivering pizza for minimum wage — and minimum tips — while dealing with an exploitative boss and obnoxious coworkers. When the final delivery of the night promises to take her to a wealthy neighborhood with the chance of a healthy tip, she takes the opportunity to make up for an unprofitable shift. What begins as a quest for cash ends up as a quest for survival, though, when it turns out her customers aren’t who she’s used to delivering to. Instead, they’re a Satanic cult of a very different color: high-society elites for whom worshiping the Dark Lord coexists with country clubs and casseroles.”

A high-society Satanic cult that hangs out in country clubs and eats pizza and casseroles instead of chi-tos (heh)? Clearly, there are more perks to being evil than originally assessed.

Evil Dead Christmas, Earth Gone Wild, Sci-Fi Jellyfish

It’s a good time to be alive if you’re a fan of The Evil Dead. For instance, there’s an officially sanctioned Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn escape room coming this summer to Seattle (about three miles from where I’m currently escaping) and long hoped for Evil Dead trading cards. It’s like Christmas plus.

The Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn escape room costs $30 to get into and goes like this: “When players enter that all-too-familiar cabin in the woods, they will have until dawn (or sixty minutes, whichever comes first) to find the Kandarian dagger and destroy the Book of the Dead before the evil dead swallows their souls. Fans of the classic film can expect deadites, chainsaws, a very strange deer head, a chained-up cellar door, and plenty of horrifying surprises.” When I go I better wear Depends™.

Up next is The Evil Dead trading cards by Fright Rags. You can get ‘em as a single wax pack (nine cards and a sticker — $5.00), sealed box (two full sets of cards plus a pile of exclusive extras – $35.00) and the coveted factory box (the full 68 base card set and a few extras – $120.00). Time to dip into my 401k and do some impulse buying.

While you do the same, here are a few available now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cause you to wear Depends™…

THE WANDERING EARTH (in theaters now/Netflix™/2019)
“When the sun dies out, the people of Earth build giant thrusters to move the planet out of orbit and sail to a new star system. After 2,500 years, young people continue the fight for everyone’s survival.”

Man, there’s a lot of e-chatter about this one on the Net. Apparently, the film hit box office gold in China with $603 million…in just two weeks! That’s more than I make in a month. And Netflix™ is betting big on this pony by making it available for the U.S. market. No set date for its premier on the world’s biggest movie streaming channel, but it’s having a limited run in theaters/theatres right now. (It’s on four screens in parts of the city that are too hard for me to get to without cursing out traffic jams in Chinese.) Sounds like The Wandering Earth, in all its epic-ness, should been seen on the big screen. Time to buy a bigger TV.

CHIMERA STRAIN (March 15, 2019)
“A scientist freezes his children alive while he races to cure their deadly genetic disease by decoding the DNA of the Turritopsis jellyfish.”

Okay, what?

THE FIELD GUIDE TO EVIL (March 29, 2019)
“A feature-length anthology film. They are known as myths, lore, and folktales. Created to give logic to mankind’s darkest fears, these stories laid the foundation for what we now know as the horror genre.”

Great title. Too bad its an anthology and not an instructional manual.

THE HAUNTING OF SHARON TATE (April 5, 2019)
“The film’s plot is supposedly inspired by a quote from the real Sharon Tate, from an interview published a year before her death, where she revealed ‘having a nightmare’ in which she saw a strange man in her house and then discovered herself and her friend Jay Sebring tied up with their throats cut open.”

You know Hollywood is strapped for ideas when they take a quote and turn it into a movie. I’m looking in your direction, Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000).

Back Into The Zone, Faustian Felines, Soul For Sale

In case you forgot, one of the cornerstones of horror and science fiction is the The Twilight Zone anthology TV series, wrote/co-wrote and hosted by Rod Serling, from 1958 to 1964. And now it’s back in the form of the cleverly-named The Twilight Zone, arriving April 1, 2019 on CBS All Access. This re-boot will be hosted by Mad TV’s Jordan Peele, and will air every Thursday until the ratings say otherwise.

Given that The Twilight Zone is regarded as one of the greatest TV series of ALL TIME, this is good news for fans of science fiction, horror, the paranormal and fantasy with a surprise twist. (By comparison, The Outer Limits, a competing, similarly-themed TV series (1963 — 1965), featured a monster-of-the-week and no moral lessons taught by said monster-of-the-week.)

To feed your Twilight Zone monkey until April gets here, check out Tom Elliot’s Rondo Award winning show, The Twilight Zone Podcast. Tom does a respectful job, with interviews, reviews and readings from classic Twilight Zone episodes. Or if you’d rather not do any of the above, here are a few just released/upcoming horror movies that may or may not take you to the outer limits…

HUNTING EVIL (available now)
“A broken man returns to society after serving time but hits dead ends to turn his life around until he meets an enigmatic man who promises him riches. But when the piper calls, it’s in the form of evil incarnate and wants his soul in return.”

Cool — what’s the going rate on selling your soul? If I could get enough to cover rent, sign me up.

LEGEND OF THE DEMON CAT (February 5, 2019)
During the Tang Dynasty, a Chinese poet and a Japanese monk join forces to investigate a demonic cat who has possessed a general’s wife and wreaked havoc on the imperial court. The investigation takes some gruesome and unexpected twists, leading the monk and the poet to unravel the mystery behind the decade’s old death of the legendary, beautiful concubine, Yang Guifei.”

A woman possessed by her cat. Aren’t they all?

SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK (August 9, 2019)
“A group of young teens must solve the mystery surrounding sudden and macabre deaths in their small town.”

For those of us who’d rather watch horror movies than read ‘em, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark is three children’s books written by Alvin Schwartz and illustrated by Stephen Gammell. The series  began in 1981, a year when people’s street-wear and haircuts were pretty darn horrifying. So much so, there’s one illustration that looks a heckuva lot like me driving around in my Chevy Camaro Z/28, blasting out “Don’t Stop Believin’” on my after-market installed Pioneer™ cassette deck. That alone qualifies as one of the scariest stories ever.

HERE COMES HELL (March 1, 2019/UK)
“A 1930s dinner party descends into carnage, gore and demonic possession in Here Comes Hell, a genre-clashing horror comedy.”

Early reviews are calling this, Downtown Abbey meets the The Evil Dead. I’ve seen The Evil Dead but not Downtown Abbey, which is apparently a long-running British drama TV series and not the name of a street hooker.

Barnyard Nazi Demon

Evan thought his older brother was dead, something his aging dad seems to hold against him. What a dick. If dad knew that Victor, who disappeared while on a hunting trip in backwoods West Virginia, was still alive, he might not be so hard on the 20-something boy, who carries his brother’s “death” around like a bag of guilt cannonballs.

When Victor unexpectedly turns up a few years later with bloody scars all over his body, well hey — time to celebrate. Except don’t hug him, as the wounds are still kinda fresh.

Victor had been kidnapped by the Wollners, a German family that’s about 75 years old — even the little girl. The Wollners needed Victor’s blood to keep an occult Nazi, now more demon than misguided military man, barely alive and confined in the barn next to a Nazi horse. The Nazi was looking for a runestone that was in the family’s basement and… It factors in, so roll with it.

Victor needs Evan’s help to go back to the farm with hunting rifles for some U.S. styled revenge. And here’s where the aptly-named Blood Creek plows some gloriously gory fields. It’s not enough to shoot the family in the face, No, Victor has a score to settle with the demon in the barn, who, unfortunately gets loose before he can shoot the man-creature in the face.

The Nazi zombie’s horse is also evil and, in one of many classic scenes, gallops into the kitchen and goes all bull in a China shop. Slick carnage, stylized flashbacks, and more split skin than a discount sausage factory. You’ll keep texting yourself “WTF?” as this raw horror unfolds. But don’t text me, as I don’t do texting. I did like Blood Creek (2009), however.

Chinese Beasts, G-Rated Zombies, Halloween Purge

Ever see a sci-fi/fantasy movie trailer that just messes with what’s left of your mind? Give the now-available via limited theatre release Hanson and the Beast (2018) a spin. From China (but now available in the States), HatB just came out several days ago (as of this e-barfing) and might just very well get the WTF award of the month, if not year.

From the press release: “Yuan Shuai, a debt-ridden animal-breeder, tries to get out of his financial predicament by finding a wealthy girlfriend through matchmaking dates. He unexpectedly meets and fall in love with the fox demon, Bai Xianchu, who has arrived to the mortal realm to repay her gratitude. However, the head of the Demon tribe Yun Zhonghe forbids a love relationship between a demon and a human; and takes Bai Xianchu away. To seek his lover, Yuan Shuai bravely crashes the demonic world.”

Human/animal hybrids, pseudo vampires, rom-comedy, possible bestiality power smooching… Man, this sounds like a night out at The Poggie Tavern, besides the fact I didn’t understand a dang thing about it. Watch the trailer and see if you can figure it out. It’s pretty crazy and loaded with WTF. P.S. No one named Hanson in the movie as far as I can tell. Probably not a traditional Chinese name.

While we’re waiting for a non-subtitled version, here are  few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that you probably won’t have to read…

DIVERGE (February 6, 2018)
“In the aftermath of a mysterious pandemic that’s turned cities into wastelands, a man desperately searches for a way to cure his ailing wife as she battles a deadly virus. When he is captured by a cryptic stranger, he is offered the chance to save not only his wife but the world.”

I thought our cities were already wastelands. As for a way to treat the guy’s sick spouse, liquor stores have to the cure to “whatever ALES you.” Heh. If I had a chance to save the world, though, I’d take a pass. But Uranus? I’ve got yer back, man. Okay, that came out all wrong.

ZOMBIES (February 16, 2018/Disney Channel)
“Seabrook is a suburban town obsessed with tradition, conformity, football, and cheerleading, but they’re in for a major shake-up when students from Zombietown transfer to Seabrook High and struggle to coexist alongside human students. When a fierce cheerleader, Addison, and zombie football star, Zed, become friends, they partner to help unite their school and community.”

Warning: This one is gonna show up on the Disney Channel, which means, no graphic gut-ripping rodeos or intestinal roping contests. And if you have the Disney Channel, why the h*ck are you reading this blog?

ANNIHILATION (February 23, 2018)
“A female biologist signs up for a dangerous, secret expedition where the laws of nature don’t apply.”

Where’s she going — a Taco Bell™ restroom? I don’t care what scientists claim, the only Law of Nature that applies in Taco Bell™ is that what goes in must come out — and that result, paradoxically, is against the ALL the Laws of Nature.

BAD APPLES (February, 2018)
“It’s Halloween night, and two ‘bad apples’ decide to play some wicked tricks on the one house in a suburban cul-de-sac that is not celebrating Halloween. They terrorize a young couple in their home and these tricks become increasingly more sinister as the night progresses, finally ending in a Halloween the entire neighborhood will never forget.”

Sounds like someone is handing out razor-filled avocados instead of the traditional spiked candy treats. That’d p*ss me off, too.

Chinese Spider-Men, Canadian Zombies, Norway Mutants

Been endlessly fascinated by foreign country poster versions of U.S. made movies, in particular, horror/sci-fi/fantasy/bromance comedies. Came across three Spider-Man: Homecoming key art renditions made in China. Pretty funny stuff, especially the one of Spider-Man riding a horse. I don’t know why, but that cracks me up. Got me thinking — wonder if there’s a foreign movie poster of, say, Iron Man pulling a rikshaw through downtown Thailand?

Whilst I go rummaging through the Internet to find one, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies with plain old boring graphics…

DEMENTIA 13 (October 6, 2017/Limited — October 10/VOD)
“An old-money family is still dealing with the death of its youngest daughter several years later. While honoring the daughter’s death, a long con, an ax-wielding serial killer, and a vengeful ghost all coalesce in the same night to target the family. Everyone in the family has a secret, nobody wants to face what they did, and for someone to survive, the truth needs to come out — sooner than later.”

This is a re-boot of 1963’s Dementia 13. The actors in the new one are probably wearing more modern footwear, though. Always loved the title. I personally got through the first 12 steps of dementia, but never quite made it one more step. Probably should go on another bender to open that door.

LES AFFAMÉS (2017/2018)
In a small, remote village in upstate Quebec, things have changed. Locals are not the same anymore — their bodies are breaking down and they developed an outlandish attraction for flesh.

A French-Canadian zombie movie. Wonder if the flesh tastes like back bacon? I consulted the Big Book of Word Barf (i.e., Google Translate™) to get the English pronounceable version: The Hungry. Meh.

THELMA (November 10, 2017)
“A college student starts to experience extreme seizures while studying at a university in Oslo, Norway. As it becomes clearer that the seizures are a symptom of inexplicable, often dangerous, supernatural abilities, Thelma is confronted with tragic secrets of her past, and the terrifying implications of her powers.

Sounds like Carrie Goes To College. I wonder if her condition is from eating seizure salads in the school lunch room?

INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY (January 5, 2018)
“Dr. Elise Rainier, the brilliant parapsychologist, faces her most fearsome and personal haunting yet: in her own family home.”

I watched the first three Insidious movies, so guess I’ll have to watch this one, too, just to see how they tie things up. As demonic possession ghost stories go, though, they’re all quite bland, or “meh.”

Great Canadian Smoke-out, Poison Sharks, Teddy Bears

For those not living in Seattle, we’ve been experiencing a heatwave combined with what is being described as having “the worst air quality than Bejing, Kolkata.” We can blame this on Canada as their wildfires, while making for some colorful, hippie sunsets, are sending their smoke across the border — without passports — and into our neighborhoods. Thanks a lot, Canada — just because your coins don’t work in our vending machines is no reason to smoke us out. (Some pranksters are using the photos of the burning haze to say it’s 4:20 in Seattle. That’s pretty funny.)

A recent article in the Seattle Times had this to say about our horror weather: “Seattle’s air quality index was 156 on Thursday afternoon, which is considered unhealthy, according to AirNow. That’s worse than Los Angeles and several cities in China and India. Beijing’s air quality index was 80, Shanghai sat at 78, and Chongqing was ranked 65, all of which are considered moderate, according to the World Air Quality Index Project.”

I’m well prepared for this smokocalypse — I walk around with a designer scuba tank (Jaques Costeau logo on it— limited edition), so up yours World Air Quality Index Project. Speaking of being suffocated to death by a so-called friendly neighboring country, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you choke…

TOXIC SHARK (August 4, 2017)
“A tropical singles retreat takes a terrifying turn when guests realize a poisonous shark is infesting the surrounding water. Not only will this toxic shark rip apart its victims, but it also uses projectile acid to hunt…in and out of the water!”

A shark that shoots projectile acid? Sounds like a mash-up of a great white shark and the Alien. Still, gotta like the premise. Set ‘em up, melt ‘em down. I bet the shark could turn ‘em into bowling trophies afterward.

TEDDY BEARS PICNIC (2017)
“Inspired by the 1907 melody of the same name, Teddy Bears Picnic re-envisions the childhood song as a nightmarish fable that twists the concept of childhood innocence.”

That song was written in 1907. You mean I haven’t been able to get that stupid song out of my head for 110 years? No wonder I drink daily.

KEEP WATCHING (December 2017)
“When two deranged serial killers break into their home, a family has to stick together to make it out alive and unbeknown to them there are hidden cameras throughout their home documenting their every move.”

Having cameras everywhere is cheating, especially when one is need of a private, yet relaxing moment in the restroom. Only deranged serial killers would watch such footage. Probably upload it on YouTube™, too. That’s just being mean.

THE SPANISH CHAINSAW MASSACRE (release pending)
“A heavy metal band named The Metal Dicks are touring to promote their first record. While driving to their next concert location their van gets a flat tire so they have to spend the night in a small, local town. The next day the town is having a festival to celebrate their patron saints day and the mayor of the town asks The Metal Dicks to join in with the festival. The band accept the mayor’s offer unaware of the dangers that lie ahead.”

Great band name. I wish to own all their album. I have a feeling, though, they may not be around long to record a second one. Maybe take all their unfinished demos and release ‘em under the title, Bits ‘n Pieces.

A Moon For Every Meal

American Melissa finally talked Yul, her Chinese boyfriend, into marrying her. So hey, screw Hawaii and their stupid dolphins — let’s honeymoon in China during the Hungry Ghost Festival! Their timing couldn’t be better. Not only is it the Hungry Ghost Festival, but one that lands on the seventh lunar month. And there’s a full moon, which, as everyone knows, adds a little something extra to the party dip.

A tour guide takes Mel and Yul one million miles out into the rural countryside to visit Yul’s relatives. It’s late, it’s dark and they’re lost. Or so the guide says. He gets out of the car to “find help” and doesn’t come back! So much for his tip. After an hour the couple get out and go looking for him. What they find is a small village with all the doors and windows locked, chained and boarded up. (Why all the drama? All they had to do was hang “Do Not Disturb” signs on the door knobs.)

Then they happen across an offering party arrangement: candles, banners, festive lighting, chickens, dogs, supermarket-ready pigs — all dead or half eaten. Turns out the Hungry Ghost Festival is aptly named. When you’re free from Hell to roam the Earth during the seventh lunar moon, you’re gonna be pretty darn peck-ish.

Out of nowhere, white hairless/clothes-less ghouls with dark bloody mouths descend upon the hapless couple. Mel and Yul escape, only to end up at a spooky house covered in seasonal candles with chanting going on. The place is filled with people just standing there, not saying or doing anything. Yep, these people sure know how to party.

After drinking drugged tea, the couple are tied up in a bamboo cage outside where the ghouls show up for dinner where Yul is the main course. Melissa, though, is unharmed (she’s American and therefore not on the menu) and makes her way back to the house, only to find the guide that brought them here. He explains that every time the dead show up during the festival, they always take one of the living with them whether they want to go our not. That sucks.

The dead have taken Yul into a water-filled cave for his “final journey,” the ultimate last call. She goes to the cave, using only her cell phone as light, and encounters the ghouls, all standing silently, looking in one direction, which for once, isn’t at anything resembling food. She finds Yul chained up and he’s hairless, pasty-white with dark circles around his eyes and mouth. And yet she still wants to kiss him. Yuck is one of three things that just ran through my mind.

Seventh Moon (2008) has requisite tension and cool ghouls, but the camera work is so shaky as to give you the festival spins. And almost everything is shot in pitch black darkness, so it’s hard to see much of the action. Most of the movie is a chase scene, but it does have its party moments. Just don’t blame me if the dead don’t eat you — maybe they only have a taste for Chinese.

House of Dull Ghosts

House of the Invisibles (2007) is a Chinese “horror” movie about the remaining residents in a haunted demolition-marked apartment building. Geez, all they had to do was raise the rent to get ‘em to move out. Why go to all the trouble of getting a cool but unnecessary wrecking ball?

A man murders his wife with a pillow and then hangs himself. Later, their ghosts are called into action when they’re disturbed by a cast of incredibly dull and pointless characters. You have a fat guy addicted to prostitutes, a loser who can’t stop gambling, a pot-head who can’t stop smoking and several ghosts downstairs (looking suspiciously like humans) who are trying to get a host body so they can get out of the building.

You only know House of the Invisibles is a ghost flick because they tell you. What spirits you do see are only on screen for a second, though one prostitute does show her rotted face (it wasn’t that messed up) for five seconds.

No scares, no nudity, no blood, no brain-eating, no swearing. How this is supposed to count as horror is beyond my realm. Duped again.