Great Canadian Smoke-out, Poison Sharks, Teddy Bears

For those not living in Seattle, we’ve been experiencing a heatwave combined with what is being described as having “the worst air quality than Bejing, Kolkata.” We can blame this on Canada as their wildfires, while making for some colorful, hippie sunsets, are sending their smoke across the border — without passports — and into our neighborhoods. Thanks a lot, Canada — just because your coins don’t work in our vending machines is no reason to smoke us out. (Some pranksters are using the photos of the burning haze to say it’s 4:20 in Seattle. That’s pretty funny.)

A recent article in the Seattle Times had this to say about our horror weather: “Seattle’s air quality index was 156 on Thursday afternoon, which is considered unhealthy, according to AirNow. That’s worse than Los Angeles and several cities in China and India. Beijing’s air quality index was 80, Shanghai sat at 78, and Chongqing was ranked 65, all of which are considered moderate, according to the World Air Quality Index Project.”

I’m well prepared for this smokocalypse — I walk around with a designer scuba tank (Jaques Costeau logo on it— limited edition), so up yours World Air Quality Index Project. Speaking of being suffocated to death by a so-called friendly neighboring country, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you choke…

TOXIC SHARK (August 4, 2017)
“A tropical singles retreat takes a terrifying turn when guests realize a poisonous shark is infesting the surrounding water. Not only will this toxic shark rip apart its victims, but it also uses projectile acid to hunt…in and out of the water!”

A shark that shoots projectile acid? Sounds like a mash-up of a great white shark and the Alien. Still, gotta like the premise. Set ‘em up, melt ‘em down. I bet the shark could turn ‘em into bowling trophies afterward.

TEDDY BEARS PICNIC (2017)
“Inspired by the 1907 melody of the same name, Teddy Bears Picnic re-envisions the childhood song as a nightmarish fable that twists the concept of childhood innocence.”

That song was written in 1907. You mean I haven’t been able to get that stupid song out of my head for 110 years? No wonder I drink daily.

KEEP WATCHING (December 2017)
“When two deranged serial killers break into their home, a family has to stick together to make it out alive and unbeknown to them there are hidden cameras throughout their home documenting their every move.”

Having cameras everywhere is cheating, especially when one is need of a private, yet relaxing moment in the restroom. Only deranged serial killers would watch such footage. Probably upload it on YouTube™, too. That’s just being mean.

THE SPANISH CHAINSAW MASSACRE (release pending)
“A heavy metal band named The Metal Dicks are touring to promote their first record. While driving to their next concert location their van gets a flat tire so they have to spend the night in a small, local town. The next day the town is having a festival to celebrate their patron saints day and the mayor of the town asks The Metal Dicks to join in with the festival. The band accept the mayor’s offer unaware of the dangers that lie ahead.”

Great band name. I wish to own all their album. I have a feeling, though, they may not be around long to record a second one. Maybe take all their unfinished demos and release ‘em under the title, Bits ‘n Pieces.

A Moon For Every Meal

American Melissa finally talked Yul, her Chinese boyfriend, into marrying her. So hey, screw Hawaii and their stupid dolphins — let’s honeymoon in China during the Hungry Ghost Festival! Their timing couldn’t be better. Not only is it the Hungry Ghost Festival, but one that lands on the seventh lunar month. And there’s a full moon, which, as everyone knows, adds a little something extra to the party dip.

A tour guide takes Mel and Yul one million miles out into the rural countryside to visit Yul’s relatives. It’s late, it’s dark and they’re lost. Or so the guide says. He gets out of the car to “find help” and doesn’t come back! So much for his tip. After an hour the couple get out and go looking for him. What they find is a small village with all the doors and windows locked, chained and boarded up. (Why all the drama? All they had to do was hang “Do Not Disturb” signs on the door knobs.)

Then they happen across an offering party arrangement: candles, banners, festive lighting, chickens, dogs, supermarket-ready pigs — all dead or half eaten. Turns out the Hungry Ghost Festival is aptly named. When you’re free from Hell to roam the Earth during the seventh lunar moon, you’re gonna be pretty darn peck-ish.

Out of nowhere, white hairless/clothes-less ghouls with dark bloody mouths descend upon the hapless couple. Mel and Yul escape, only to end up at a spooky house covered in seasonal candles with chanting going on. The place is filled with people just standing there, not saying or doing anything. Yep, these people sure know how to party.

After drinking drugged tea, the couple are tied up in a bamboo cage outside where the ghouls show up for dinner where Yul is the main course. Melissa, though, is unharmed (she’s American and therefore not on the menu) and makes her way back to the house, only to find the guide that brought them here. He explains that every time the dead show up during the festival, they always take one of the living with them whether they want to go our not. That sucks.

The dead have taken Yul into a water-filled cave for his “final journey,” the ultimate last call. She goes to the cave, using only her cell phone as light, and encounters the ghouls, all standing silently, looking in one direction, which for once, isn’t at anything resembling food. She finds Yul chained up and he’s hairless, pasty-white with dark circles around his eyes and mouth. And yet she still wants to kiss him. Yuck is one of three things that just ran through my mind.

Seventh Moon (2008) has requisite tension and cool ghouls, but the camera work is so shaky as to give you the festival spins. And almost everything is shot in pitch black darkness, so it’s hard to see much of the action. Most of the movie is a chase scene, but it does have its party moments. Just don’t blame me if the dead don’t eat you — maybe they only have a taste for Chinese.

House of Dull Ghosts

House of the Invisibles (2007) is a Chinese “horror” movie about the remaining residents in a haunted demolition-marked apartment building. Geez, all they had to do was raise the rent to get ‘em to move out. Why go to all the trouble of getting a cool but unnecessary wrecking ball?

A man murders his wife with a pillow and then hangs himself. Later, their ghosts are called into action when they’re disturbed by a cast of incredibly dull and pointless characters. You have a fat guy addicted to prostitutes, a loser who can’t stop gambling, a pot-head who can’t stop smoking and several ghosts downstairs (looking suspiciously like humans) who are trying to get a host body so they can get out of the building.

You only know House of the Invisibles is a ghost flick because they tell you. What spirits you do see are only on screen for a second, though one prostitute does show her rotted face (it wasn’t that messed up) for five seconds.

No scares, no nudity, no blood, no brain-eating, no swearing. How this is supposed to count as horror is beyond my realm. Duped again.

China’s Chinese Bigfoot

I’m always down for a new home movie/found footage/blockbuster about Bigfoot, but my fur stands on edge when they can’t even get the advertising one-sheet right.

Take China Bigfoot: Legend of the Yeren (2015), a family-friendly take on our woodsy BFF. That’s the title according to the movie’s Facebook page and press release. So why does the movie poster say Chinese Bigfoot: The Legend of the Yeren? It’s total B.S. like this that just ruin my life and everything I may or may not stand for.

The Yeren is also known as “Wild Man.” I know a lot of drinking buddies who go by the same name, usually around last call. Often seen in the Taibai Mountains, Yeren is to China what Bigfoot is to the Pacific Northwest, except Yeren is alleged to be a red head. That seems weird to me.

Anyway, here’s what goes down in China/Chinese Bigfoot: The Legend of the Yeren: “Chinese teenager Shi Kang and his American tutor, Denise, crash land in the remote mountains of China. After being rescued from the plane wreckage by a giant, ape-like creature, they eventually befriend the mysterious Yeren. But a group of poachers are hot on the Yeren’s trail, and now it’s up to Shi Kang and Denise to help protect their new friend.”

Man, I freakin’ hope Shi Kang and Denise thwart those a-hole poachers and send Yeren on his merry way. That MIGHT make me forget about the filmmaker’s inability to pick a lane for the title and drive in it.