Hallowed By Thy Knife, Smart Sex, Pig Candy

Horror and sci-fi movie themed board games are all the rage these days, what with TV becoming increasingly annoying and…yeah, I’m saying it…boring. Never thought I’d utter those word in this lifetime, but there you go. So one of the new horror movie-based board games coming out September 15, 2023 (preorder here), is Halloween, built on the global phenomenon 1978 movie by the same name, whatever that is.

From the Trick or Treat Studios™ website: “It was the night HE came home…and one player must take on the role of Michael Myers! The others will control Laurie and her friends as they scramble to find weapons, the kids, and a way to escape. Their task will be made more difficult because Myers can only be seen when you’re looking right at him!” 

Cool! And for a mere $59.95, you can get in on the action. Speaking of, the Halloween character I’d like to play is Bob, the guy who drinks beer and has unprotected ’70s sex with P.J. Soles before being violated by Michael Myers’ stainless steel mascot. If you’re gonna go out, you might as well score before losing the game.

So while we go back and rewatch Halloween and hit pause during that one scene (you better know this one), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better than a cold beer and a hot knife right after engaging in unprotected sex…

CULT HERO / Out now (VOD)

In a world plagued by narcissistic cult leaders who wield their power and abandon their morals, only one hero can bring justice and restore order – Dale Domazar, otherwise known as the Cult Buster. After failing to bust a death cult before they commit mass suicide, a rough-around-the-edges Domazar finds himself the victim of online vitriol, and soon, his career is canceled. He tries to regain the respect he once had and figure out an angle for a new season of his show, Cult Buster.”

Wonder if Dale would come after me, given that I abandoned my morals decades ago. Heck, I kicked those demons to the curb before I knew what they were. It’s all about taking the low road for this guy.

SAPIOSEXUAL / May 16, 2023 (VOD)

“Three people gather for an ‘uncoupling celebration,’ arranged by the aging narcissist Liam. Both Hannah and Freddie, Liam’s guests as well as victims, have dark ties to his past and plenty of their own secrets. When the power goes out during a thunderstorm the deepest truths are revealed, changing each person’s life forever.”

Never heard the term sapiosexual before so I looked it up on this little thing called the “Internet” (you may have heard of it). Sapiosexuality means that “a person is sexually attracted to highly intelligent people, so much so that they consider it to be the most important trait in a partner.” Guess that counts me out.

MASS HYSTERIA / October 1, 2023 (VOD)

“When a tourist dies on Halloween night in Salem, the crowd seeks justice by mounting a modern day witch hunt.”

This one’s being described as a comedy, though I see nothing funny about tourists.

PEPPERGRASS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During the pandemic, a pregnant restaurateur tries to rob a priceless truffle from a reclusive World War II veteran.”

And judging by the movie’s poster art, there’s a really big pig guarding the truffle, which as we all learned in kindergarten, is the fruiting body of a subterranean ascomycete fungus, predominantly one of the many species of the genus Tuber. Now…where’s my juicy juice box?

Slashers of the Universe, Teen Exterminator, Eco-Friendly Snake Pit

More from the world of AI-generated art, this batch being a mash-up of 1980’s Masters of the Universe with its characters being recast using Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Pennywise, Michael Myers and Chucky joining the made-for-toy ranks of Skeletor, He-Man and Beast Man. If these ever get manufactured into cool bath tub toys, I’m pretty sure I’d sell my car for a complete set. 

In case you don’t know anything about Masters of the Universe, I could tell you, but here’s what I “borrowed” from Wikipedia™ because I ate too much lazy soup for lunch: “Masters of the Universe (sometimes referred to as the He-Man or She-Ra series) is a sword and planet-themed media franchise created by Mattel™. The main premise revolves around the conflict between He-Man (the alter ego of Prince Adam) and Skeletor on the planet Eternia, with a vast lineup of supporting characters in a hybrid setting of medieval sword and sorcery, and sci-fi technology.”

Sounds like happy Hour at the Tug Tavern. So while we head to the Tug to experience the entire spectrum of artificial intelligence, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not benefit from an AI-generated script…

LITTLE BONE LODGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During a vicious storm, two criminal brothers on the run seek refuge in a desolate farmhouse. Taking the resident family captive, they find the house holds dark secrets of its own.”

And that secret is the farm family is all lactose intolerant. That’s why the farm is desolate — no cows.

PENSIVE Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After classmates destroy life-size wooden folk art statues during a wild high school graduation party at a remote cottage, a mysterious killer starts picking them off one by one.”

A graduation bash is called wild by destroying wood statues? Today’s high schoolers don’t have a clue how to party. 

THE UNSEEN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A law student finds himself in a twisted web of murder and deceit brought on by a dark force from his past.”

I could never be a lawyer — I can’t pass a bar. [Insert rim shot here]

QUICKSAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An American couple, on the brink of divorce, travel to Colombia for a work conference. While on a hike through the Rainforest, a storm causes them to become trapped in a pit of quicksand. Unable to move, it becomes a struggle for survival as they battle the elements of the jungle and a venomous snake in order to escape.”

There are snakes in the Rainforest? No thank you — those things goon me out. I’ll do my dirty business in the park. As usual.

Blood-Soaked Bathroom, Desperately Seeking Sasquatch, Butt Dialing The Dead

Like something you’d expect to find in Micheal Myers’ bathroom, the Bloody Bath Mat is one of those things you didn’t know you needed, like a three-bean salad or toilet paper.

The Bloody Bath Mat works like this: when dry, the mat is as blank as the taste of non-alcoholic beer. But when you get water on it (or whatever other liquids one might find in a bathroom), the dang thing turns bloody. And when it dries, the “blood” disappears. Genius. Sized at a generous 40”x17” and at a cost of $19.99, you’re probably slapping your own head, wondering why you don’t already own it.

The Bloody Bath Mat pairs nicely with the Halloween Shower Curtain Liner (71”x71”), with a bloody person on it. Hey, if you’re gonna get all bloodified, the shower probably is the best place to do it; you don’t wanna track that gunk all over the house. Also $19.99, you can get the bath mat and shower curtain on Amazon.com. You may have heard of them.

So while you’re making yourself all wet to try ‘em out, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be curtains for you…

AMERICAN BIGFOOT / Out now (VOD)

When Creature Expedition, a fledgling television show, finds itself on the brink of cancellation and desperate for a rating boost, the show’s host under the guidance of her producer gathers a lovable crew of dimwits and they set out to Bigfoot country to find the creature and capture him on film. With the help of Truman Shaw, an acclaimed Bigfoot hunter, and a little luck, they just might find Bigfoot and save their show from cancellation.”

I’ll put in a call to Bigfoot to see if he can help them out. He might do it ’cause BF is my BFF.

THOSE WHO CALL / January 10, 2023 (VOD)

“Two sisters go on a road trip to Colorado. Their car breaks down in an abandoned old town. Soon they realize things aren’t what they seem — and they aren’t alone in the forest. They find themselves being hunted by a sadistic pagan cult and must do everything in their power to survive.”

Can’t go anywhere these days without tripping over Mormons.

HERETIC / January 31, 2023 (DVD/VOD)

“Hannah Blair dabbles in communicating with the dead. One stormy night that all changes when she meets Rachel, who is actually a dead lost spirit. Emboldened by this event, she is determined to find out the truth about what happened to her parents’ years before. Hannah embarks on a journey into the netherworld where she comes face to face with the Entity, an evil who has haunted mankind since the dawn of time — and who now wants Hannah.”

Wouldn’t that be f’d up if you went to communicate with the dead…and it went to voicemail? Man, I would totally stain myself.

THE BIGFOOT LEGACY / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“For a group of friends, their vacation turns into a horrific weekend after they discover Bigfoot is real.”

These morons must come from Planet Dumbass. Of course, Bigfoot is real. Friggin’ tourists.

Rebooted Puke, Stab-A-Thon, Cannibal Love

Universally regarded the scariest movie ever made, The Exorcist (1973) is being remade as a direct sequel to the original film and slated for an October 2023 release. If that doesn’t make you hurl split-pea soup, here’s even more bonus info: It’s intended to be the first of three new Exorcist films and the sixth installment of The Exorcist franchise overall.

Tying it together, Ellen Burstyn, who played the single mom of Regan MacNeil, her Devil-possessed daughter, returns after 50 years (she’s 90 years old now, but has the body of an 80 year old) to star in the as yet not fully titled Exorcist 2023. Linda Blair, who famously played the 12-year-old soup-puking daughter, is not appearing. Neither am I.

When the Devil got into Regan’s wheelhouse, he made her do stuff like spider-walk stairs upside-down, pee on the carpet as if it were legal, power barfing green gunk all over her jammies and a priest trying to get the party started, violently flopping around on her bed like she was doing “The Worm” dance, spin her head 360 degrees without getting dizzy and liquid laughing even more, “polishing” a crucifix (ahem), speaking in evil Latin, floating like a helium-possessed balloon, and swearing with language typically reserved for those stubbing their toe on a coffee table leg. In other words, acting like a typical 12-year-old.

Non-evil fun fact: In 2010, the Library of Congress selected the film to be preserved in its National Film Registry, citing it as “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant.” I can think of a dozen adult films that could fit in that category, but that’s a different NSFW blog post.

While we order a case of Campbell’s Chunky Split Pea & Ham™ with Natural Smoke Flavor Soup, (Amazon Fresh™: Pack of 12 — $28.68…sweet!) in homage to The Exorcist, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you power barf… 

VESPER / Out now US / October 21, 2022 / United Kingdom

“After the collapse of Earth’s ecosystem, Vesper, a 13-year-old girl struggling to survive with her paralyzed father, meets a woman with a secret who will force her to use her wits, strengths and bio-hacking abilities to fight for the possibility of having a future.”

With the Earth’s eco-system in the unfertilized toilet, it’s clear what’s needed: Soylent Green made from human beans. 

HALLOWEEN ENDS / October 14, 2022 (Theaters/Peacock™)

“Four years after the events of Halloween Kills (2021), Laurie is living with her granddaughter and is finishing writing her memoir. Michael Myers hasn’t been seen since. Laurie, after allowing the specter of Michael to determine and drive her reality for decades, has decided to liberate herself from fear and rage and embrace life. But when a young man is accused of killing a boy he was babysitting, it ignites a cascade of violence and terror that will force Laurie to finally confront the evil she can’t control, once and for all.”

The first Halloween movie came out 44 years ago. Counting Halloween Ends, there’s nine sequels, one that had nothing to do with the series (Halloween III: Season of the Witch/1982), and two remakes (Rob Zombie did ‘em). I don’t doubt there’s a Michael Myers body count stat, but as the unstoppable/unkillable star of Halloween, he’s had quite a successful career thinning the herd. So will Michael finally die in Halloween Ends? Not as long as we keep paying to see more Halloween movies.

HEX / November 1, 2022 (DVD/VOD)

“Sarah witnesses a mysterious disappearance while on a skydive. The remaining team of skydivers are haunted and left fighting for their lives. As they search for answers, they find that things are not as they seem.”

A “mysterious disappearance” while skydiving. Either that person got stuck in a cloud or forgot to pull the rip cord. (Look for a red stain about the size of you.) 

BONES AND ALL / November 23, 2022 (Theaters)

“Two outsiders embark on a 1,000-mile odyssey through Ronald Reagan’s America. When they discover they cannot outrun their terrifying pasts the pair take a final stand to determine whether their love can survive their otherness. An achingly tender and thoughtful coming-of-age romance between a pair of cannibals with an insatiable need to devour flesh.”

While an insatiable need to devour flesh applies to both cannibals and zombies, cannibals are capable of being romantic (example: candlelight buttsteak dinner); zombies will bite your mouth off if you try and smooch ’em. That’s the total opposite of romance.

Creepy Reboot, Ghost Advice, $100 Dementia

So a rebooting of 1982’s Creepshow series is coming to the paid subscription horror movie channel, Shudder™ in 2019. Because Hollywood rarely tries to come up with original horror movie ideas anymore, we can expect still more of horror’s legacy being tapped to keep the money faucets flowing.

As reboots generally suck bag (how many times do we have to keep re-painting the Mona Lisa?), Creepshow, thankfully, is being executive-produced by The Walking Dead’s Greg Nicotero, whose KNB EFX Group will design the show’s monster and makeup effects. That does not suck or blow.

A multi-episode series, for those not old enough to know where Creepshow came from, it was an homage to the horror comics of the ‘50s and later adapted to movie form. Horror patriarch Stephen King wrote several installments (and starred in one), and Night of the Living Dead’s George A. Romero directed. In keeping with the spirit of the original, each episode will tell original stories and directed by a different filmmaker. One kitchen, lots of cooks.

So while we wait to see the inside of our TV screens splattered with digital blood, guts and probably black stuff, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not suck bag…

CLARA’S GHOST (December 6, 2018)
“Set over the course of a single evening in the Reynolds family home in suburban Connecticut, Clara Reynolds who, fed up with constant ribbing from her self-absorbed showbiz family, finds solace in and guidance from the supernatural force she believes is haunting her.”

That’s pretty funny — getting life coaching advice from a ghost. That’s like getting swimming lessons from Jaws or electrical wiring instructions from Dr. Frankenstein or trick-or-treating strategies from Michael Myers or… I could do this all day.

DEMENTIA PART II (2018)
Mercer — an ex-convict who has become a small-jobs repairman — ends up in a house with a frightening old woman with dementia. The nightmare escalates as the woman shoves $100 bills in Mercer’s pocket, stringing him along for the revolting ride.”

Revolting ride or not, if someone stuffs $100 bills in my pocket, I’d happily get in the nondescript van that’s no doubt loaded with candy.

THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY (February 15, 2019)
“This live-action series follows the estranged members of a dysfunctional family of superheroes (The Umbrella Academy) — Luther, Diego, Allison, Vanya, Klaus and Number Five — as they work together to solve their father Reginald Hardgraves’ mysterious death, while coming apart at the seams due to their divergent personalities and abilities.”

This one’s adapted from a graphic novel series. The graphic novel evolved from comic books. And comic books were the smart tablets of their day. They were solar-powered so you never had to worry about where to plug ‘em in.

HELLBOY (April 12, 2019)
“Hellboy and his ragtag team of paranormal researchers squaring off against a medieval sorceress who seeks to destroy humankind.”

Already tagged this, but hey…new poster! That’s gotta count for something. Hopefully, it’ll be successful enough to have spin-offs, like HellMom or HellDude.

It’s A Wonderful Knife

Halloween II (2009), picking up exactly where 2007’s Halloween remake left off, it is assumed the unspeaking/unstoppable Michael Myers has been “killed” by career babysitter Laurie Strode by means of some sort of bullet.

After that complimentary ambulance ride to the morgue came to an abrupt cow-splattering halt, Michael’s body was never recovered. But that doesn’t stop Dr. Loomis from doing a Dr. Phil and going for all the glory-hogging during a book-signing tour about his most famous patient, whom he insists is dead. Michael’s still alive and sequestered in the woods for the last year, keeping a journal of his thoughts and eating… Let’s just say Michael’s not a vegan.

Laurie now lives with Sheriff Brackett and his same-age-as Laurie daughter, Annie. Laurie’s been having reoccurring acute nightmares as a direct result of her traumatic experiences with Michael trying to kill her face off. She takes pills, goes to therapy and screams ALL THE TIME.

Michael is having a few dreams of his own, that of his dead mother (Sheri Moon Zombie) dressed in white, accompanied by a large white horse. You don’t have to be a therapist to figure out that action. Mommy wants to get the family back together, so Michael goes returns to Haddonfield to round up Laurie, whether she comes kicking and screaming or not.

Along the way, some particularly brutal, up-close-and-personal flesh ventilating, complimentary of Michael’s handy cutlery skills. Then there’s dog-eating. And redneck crunching. And ambulance driver squishing. And head-stomping. And stripper bashing. The body count is as high as my IQ.

Michael makes it to Haddonfield just in time for the family reunion, which just happens to be on Halloween. (So that’s why they named the movie Halloween.) Laurie reads Loomis’ book and discovers she’s Michael’s sister, Angel. (That’s not a plot spoiler, dang it — if you’ve seen any of the original Halloween movies you already knew this. If you didn’t, well, sorry.)

Some may argue Halloween II is nothing more than a snuff film with no discernible plot, or the way Michael stomps his carbon footprint all over the human ecosystem. But isn’t that the premise of all the Halloween movies (except Halloween III: Season of the Witch/1982)? As for me, I enjoyed the Haddonfield out of it.

Babysitter Stalkers, Evil Drugs, Multi-Dimensional Monsters

Cool new key art for the pee-shivering anticipation of Halloween (October 19, 2018), starring original wallflower babysitter/knife rack, Laurie Strode (aka, Jamie Lee Curtis). Here’s the plot again in case you didn’t read my previous post about this iconic sorta remake: “Laurie, who comes to her final confrontation with Michael Myers, the masked figure who has haunted her since she narrowly escaped his killing spree on Halloween night four decades ago.”

I can read the Little Nickel want ads that is your brain: Wasn’t Curtis’ character killed in half in 2002’s Halloween: Resurrection? You’d be correct enough to be right. But word around the cutlery aisle in Sur La Table™ is that, just like my written applications to NASA for a managerial position in their UFO division, the new Halloween is IGNORING all the sequels and just running with a new plot. I haven’t processed my feelings about this yet.

While I consult my life coach (the guy who runs a hot dog cart down the street), here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a Little Nickel review…

EVIL BONG 777 (available now)
“Our scowling weed-spewing Eebee is out of ‘Sexy Hell’ and heading to Sin City with danger on her tail! She’s joined by her whack pack of fabulous freaks: Faux Batty, Rabbit, Misty and The Gingerweed Man.”

I didn’t understand a word of what they said. I’m assuming this is the sequel to Evil Bong 666 (2016). All told, I believe there are seven films in this pot-headed franchise. Not sure as I haven’t seen any of ‘em as I’ve been busy watching paint dry. It all began with Evil Bong in 2006 and the premise of “a group of college stoners who smoke a bong are unaware that the bong transports the smoker into a surreal world where strippers with sharp teeth-like bras attack them.” Sounds like a night out at The Tug Tavern.

THE RAKE (June 5, 2018)
“At a young age, Ashley and Ben witnessed the brutal murder of their parents. Years later, Ashley is still convinced it wasn’t someone, but something that killed her parents and now she’s tormented by the thought of The Rake returning for her and her family. Is Ashley traumatized, or is the creature inside her real?”

The Rake as kind of a dumb name. Might I suggest Blackened Decker, Pitch Forky or The Bowel Trowel?

BRAID (2018)
“Petula Thames and Tilda Darlings are two self-proclaimed artists-turned-drug dealers on the run. After mishandling thousands of dollars in narcotics, the girls are given forty-eight hours to repay their vengeful drug lord. Fleeing town, they head to the desolate mansion of wealthy childhood friend, Daphne Peters, with their sights set on house’s safe. Daphne, living secluded in the manor, has grown into a dangerous schizophrenic and prisoner of the fantasy world the three created as children. To abscond with her money, the girls are forced to take part in Daphne’s twisted, bloody game of make-believe, a demented maze of hallucinations, role play, torture…and murder.”

Don’t do drugs. Or sell them for profits, which can be exchanged for a wide variety of goods and services, some of which can be purchased in PRISON.

THE AXIOM (2018)
“At the risk of her group’s safety, a young woman travels into a National Forest where her sister has become trapped in a multi-dimensional world of monsters.”

Pffft —Nation Forest my pants  — she walked into The Tug Tavern.

Zombie Cartoons, Undead Dinosaurs, All Purpose Evil

From artist Joe Gallimore comes a wicked cool mash-up with Michael Myers from Halloween (1978) and the infamous Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) key art, which was actually banned back in the day by the New York City Tourism committee. (All Republicans, no doubt.)

While we still wait for the New York City Tourism committee to pull their heads out of their Port Authority, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not get banned…

ZOMBIOLOGY (available now)
“When a monster from a popular animated show appears and starts a zombie outbreak, it’s up to eccentric duo Lung and Chi-Yeung to stand up and fight the horde of the recently deceased, and save their friends from all around chaos!”

I wish more cartoon characters would come to life and cause chaos. Just think of what Scooby Doo could do to/on your lawn.

THE INCANTATION (available now)
“A young American girl has a chance of a lifetime to visit her ancestors castle in the south of France, only to find that her family is hiding deep, dark secrets about their nefarious past, far away from prying eyes.”

YET ANOTHER family with deep, dark secrets. Got me thinking about my own family and what secrets THEY might be hiding. Time to kick down the door of the ‘ol ancestral outhouse and see if there’s a nefarious stuff laying around.

THE JURASSIC DEAD (Summer, 2018)
“A unit of mercenaries must team up with a group of tech-geek students after American is struck with an EMP attack. Deep in the desert, they find the source of the terror, a mad scientist who has also just created a living dead T-Rex dinosaur, one who turns everyone it attacks into a zombie. Now they must scramble to stay alive and save the planet from the ultimate undead predator.”

Hate to whiz in your punchbowl, but there was a zombie dinosaur movie before this: Z-Rex: The Jurassic Dead (2016). Maybe they know each other or are cousins on their mother’s side. Or it could be a simple case of plagiarism. Best to consult the family paleontologist.

TORMENTED (2018)
“A tragic car accident leads a family into a nightmare of supernatural terror as an ancient evil haunts their dreams.”

Supernatural terror and ancient evil go hand in hand, like peanut butter and Cheetos™. What, you’ve never tried peanut butter on Cheetos™? Like supernatural terror and ancient evil, they’re to die for.

Illustrative UFOs, Recording Nightmares, Mobster Monsters

If you like books with pictures, then put UFO Drawings from the National Archives by author David Clarke on your f*cket list. Arriving February 27, 2018 (for a mere $25.00 hardcover on Amazon.com), UFO Drawings’ sky is loaded with hand-illustrated recreations of UFO sightings by real people who experienced them, many who have little to no artistic abilities/credibilities.

The book’s plaintive press release spins it like saucer: “Originally set up after a request from Winston Churchill, the Ministry of Defense’s UFO Desk ran for over 60 years, collating mysterious sightings and records of strange objects in the sky from observant, and sometimes imaginative, members of the public. As well as letters and official reports, the UFO files contain photographs, drawings and even paintings of these curious sightings.”

“David Clarke has selected examples from The National Archives to present a history of British UFO art and the remarkable stories behind these images, including an alien craft on the A1, flying saucers over Hampstead, and a spaceship landing at a primary school in Macclesfield.”

The only things I can draw are curtains, bathwater and flies. Old joke, but dang, gold is gold. I could probably sketch a UFO, but would have to see one first as a point of reference. Sure, I’ve seen plenty of flying saucers. But to witness an actual unidentified flying object would be to live the dream.

While I throw YET ANOTHER bit coin into the clearly malfunctioning wishing well, here are a few just released and/or coming soon horror/sci-fi drama thrillers (i.e., made for TV) movies to illustrate the genre…

SCAREYCROWS (available now)
“A trainee hairdresser discovers her boyfriend is keeping a dark secret. Soon her world crashes around her as the quiet seaside town where she was born is overrun by homicidal scareycrows.”

Scareycrows. That’s right up there with Mikey Myers and Badabdooky. What’s next — King Kongster?

SKYBOUND (November 7, 2017/VOD)
“Five plane passengers are unable to land after a mysterious disaster happens on the ground, but they may be in worse danger than they thought when a stowaway is discovered on board carrying a dangerous secret.”

Yeesh – that’s enough to make a stewardess do some involuntary crop-dusting (Farting silently up and down the plane’s aisle.) I’m a fan of aircraft disaster movies (examples: The Horror at 37,000 Feet/1973, Flight of the Living Dead/2007, Altitude (2007), and don’t have a fear of flying. But I do have a fear of not flying.

INCONTROL (2018)
“A group of university students discover a device that allows them to take control of others and experience the world through someone else’s body. As they push the machine’s abilities to its limits, they don’t realize their own lives have been manipulated, and they descend into a nightmare with no return.”

Was this not the framework of 1995’s Strange Days and even 1984’s Dreamscape? In that one, it was all fun and games when someone recorded having themselves having sex and shared it with others. But when they put the recording device on a monkey’s head, things went doo-flinging crazy. For me, though, it was just another day.

MADE VICIOUS (2018)
“Jim is a widower trying to raise his daughter while keeping the peace in a small town. While dealing with his debt to Victor, a mobster, a monster is awakened and begins to wreak havoc.”

Seems like they’re trying to cram too much into the plot here. I can help — “a monster is awakened and begins to wreak havoc.” Don’t bore us, get to the chorus.

40 Year-Old Horror, Literary Madman, Male Horror

Every since it was announced Jamie Lee Curtis was returning to reprise her role as Laurie Strode in Halloween (first released in 1978), fans have been clamoring in their pants. So much so, fan art for the as yet untitled Halloween sequel (scheduled for October 18, 2018), has been popping up like seasonal measles all over the Internet, the one featured here being one of the better examples. (Don’t know who to credit as they didn’t put their secret identity on it.)

Until the REAL title is announced, we’ll just have to be happy with the official plot: “Laurie Strode comes to her final confrontation with Michael Myers, the masked figure who has haunted her since she narrowly escaped his killing spree on Halloween night four decades ago.”

Meanwhile, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that hopefully won’t make you wait 40 years for the sequel…

EDGAR ALLEN POE: BURIED ALIVE (October 30, 2017/PBS)
“Edgar Allan Poe: Buried Alive draws on the rich palette of Poe’s evocative imagery and sharply drawn plots to tell the real story of the notorious author. Narrated by Oscar — and Tony — nominated, two-time Golden Globe-winner Kathleen Turner, American Masters – Edgar Allan Poe: Buried Alive explores the misrepresentations of Poe as a drug-addled madman akin to the narrators of his horror stories.”

Looking forward to this one as it stars the brilliantly versatile Denis O’Hare from the American Horror Story series. That guy comfortably wears so many acting hats, I’m surprised his next movie isn’t about a haberdashery, which I believe is a British hat store. Hat is way easier to spell than haberdashery.

ATTACK OF THE KILLER DONUTS (November 17, 2017)
“A chemical accident turns ordinary donuts into blood thirsty killers. Now it’s up to Johnny, Michelle and Howard to save their sleepy town from…Killer Donuts.”

Yeah, but what kind of donuts? Bear Claws seem to make obvious sense. Not so much for maple bars — unless they’re thrown at your head as if a yummy, sticky brick. Still, we’ve already had Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978); what’s next — Attack of the Killer Hot Dogs? That actually might be cool, now that I think about it.

SCREAM QUEEN! MY NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2017/2018)
“A documentary film focusing on the gay experience in Hollywood horror, Scream, Queen! My Nightmare On Elm Street explores how that experience has changed in the three decades since Mark Patton’s controversial portrayal of Jesse Walsh, the object of Freddy Krueger’s latent desire in Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985).”

Scream, Queen! examines the infamous homo-erotic subtext and the special place the film holds in the Nightmare franchise as well as the gay film canon. Partly in thanks to evolving social mores, Nightmare on Elm Street 2 — which was considered controversial at the time of its release — is now being looked back upon with a new appreciation and fondness by horror aficionados and fans of the series. While Freddy’s Revenge, dubbed “the gayest horror movie ever made,” cemented Freddy as a pop culture icon, Patton was never heard from again. After 30 years of living in near obscurity, Patton is back to talk about how his American dream became a nightmare during the homophobic AIDS crisis in Hollywood and why he had to give it all up.”

Just because they showed a male bare bottom being invisibly horsewhipped in Nightmare on Elm Street 2 doesn’t mean it’s a gay horror movie. It’s the scene where Jesse would rather crawl through a bedroom window to “crash” with his bare-chested buddy than have willing, carte blanche relations with his hot red-headed girlfriend.

RESTRAINT (2018)
“A disturbed young woman who plunges into a darkness after becoming unexpectedly pregnant, becoming a threat to her family and herself.”

So much for a second date. Then again, plunging into darkness just might re-heat the leftovers.