Archive for TV Vixens

Power Women, Wormholes, Babysitting the Devil

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Year of the Woman

Whilst watching the recent Critics Choice Awards on the ‘ol viewing box (once again, I failed to make it into any category), it was refreshing to see the continued and passionate support of the #TimesUp movement, and to see those who did win awards, not squander their prime time speeches on themselves/politics/UFOs, and kept echoing the point of gender inequality. This was the best part of the show.

Year of the Woman

Kumail Nanjiani, the voice of Prismo on Adventure Time (one of the most imaginative, non-alcohol-fueled cartoon series out there), had this to say during his acceptance speech for The Big Sick/Best Comedy: “I think as men, we have been talking for centuries. It’s time for us to shut up, listen, and amplify.”

year of the Woman

In the spirit of that, and given that 2018 is clearly the Year of the Woman, I hereby lend my support and nominate as movement ambassador, Ellen Ripley from Alien (1979) and for being a take-charge role model and a kick buttock lady who kicks xenomorph buttock all over the galaxy. (Other personal candidates are Diana Prince (Wonder Woman), Natalia Romanova/Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow from Avengers/2012), Melinda May (Marvel’s Agents of Shield) and Princess Bubblegum (Adventure Time).

While everyone waits on you to chime in (and please do) with your candidates for Woman/Women of the Year (and every year), here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may do better with Ripley/Princess Bubblegum in the lead…

The Beyond

THE BEYOND (available now)
“Set in 2019, The Beyond chronicles the groundbreaking mission which sent astronauts — modified with advanced robotics — through a newly discovered wormhole known as the Void. When the mission returns unexpectedly, the space agency races to discover what the astronauts encountered on their first of its kind interstellar space journey.”

It’d be cool to go into space with an advanced robot. Think of all the cool slot-machine beating tips it could teach you. As wormholes go, the ones in my neighborhood could be called the Void. But I prefer their Earth names: The Poggie Tavern, The Tug Tavern, The Maha… (I could keep going into the Void if you want.)

A Demon Within

A DEMON WITHIN (available now)
“A young girl dies in 1914 after a demonic spirit preys on her family. Decades later, a skeptical doctor must stop history from repeating itself by confronting his own demons to save the life of a possessed teenager.”

Seems like everyone is getting possessed these days. Used to be everyone wanted to get married. (If you wanna know what Hell on Earth is, put a ring on it.)

House of Salem

HOUSE OF SALEM (January 23, 2018)
“A group of kidnappers become a child’s unlikely protectors after discovering they have unwittingly been set up to take part in a satanic ritual. As they begin to uncover the truth of the house they find themselves trapped, they must battle demonic forces and uncover a legacy of over a hundred years of murder in the name of the Devil.”

So criminals have to become babysitters? This sounds like a rom-com. Throw in the Devil and madcap situations ensue with hilarious results.

Wastelander

WASTELANDER (January 23, 2018)
“In a post-apocalyptic landscape, an ex-soldier wanders in search of his lost home and family. Along the way, he joins a makeshift group of survivors who convince him to lead them through the wasteland. But when a band of pillaging raiders comes after them, they must fight to survive in this cruel dystopia.”

Wonder why they always frame the future as the Earth having been Napoleon Blown Apart? My vision of the many days after tomorrow include jet-packs, pleasure-bots and self-washing hair.

Naked Ghost

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 11, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Haunted

The generically-titled Haunted (1995) is a supernatural thriller with sexy results set in the early 1900s. And by sexy, I mean seeing a young and fetching Kate Beckinsale de-clothed and having premarital bouncy-bounce with the parapsychologist investigating her and her two brother’s Edbrook Manor to see if it’s really haunted.

Haunted

Professor David Ash is tormented by the drowning death of his sister. (Hello — did the sign not say “no lifeguard on duty”?) So he goes around debunking ghosts, even though his sister is one. When he arrives at Edbrook it doesn’t take long for eerie doo doo to start hitting the eerie fan.

HauntedIt’s all standard ghost house stuff, but the best part happens when Kate de-clothes herself. She doesn’t really need ’em because she and her brother are the poltergeists that are haunting their own house. (Don’t give me that look — you would’ve figured it out 15 minutes into the flick.) Just watch it to see Kate do with the professor what she won’t be doing with you.

Haunted

The Goblin and the Girl

Posted in Foreign Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Nightmare

17-about-to-turn-18 Tina has more to worry about than being therapy and pill treated for psychosis, parental alienation, imagining being smooshed by a speeding car, and an imaginary, small lumpy creature with sightless eyes that makes sounds like a bird with a reverse beak. Through all this she goes to parties to where they play nothing but EDM (Electronic Dance Music). I’m surprised they haven’t thrown her into the loony bin by now as that “music” will rot your brain, the irony being you don’t need a brain to be into EDM.

The Nightmare

Tina’s condition gets worse, her friends thinks she’s a loon, the misshapen creature is raiding the fridge (he better leave the beer ALONE) and her parents are about to commit her to an insane asylum. All the while she walks around in short shorts so short almost the entire movie, I’ve seen people wear bigger smiles.

The Nightmare

Tina’s into a handicapped DJ (an oxymoron) with fuscia hair who plans on deejaying her 18th birthday party. Earlier, she had a meltdown when, FINALLY, her parents “see” the creature in her bedroom (she earlier befriended the little lump) and beat the leftovers out of it with a curtain rod. The cops show up and Lumpy is taken to a hospital and put on a respirator. Whatever happens to Lumpy, happens to Tina. Good thing that doesn’t work in reverse as I don’t think I could stomach a gray goblin in hot pants.

The Nightmare

Tina skanks it up good for her party, sneaks out of the house in tight spandex, weird facial makeup, ratted hair, stiletto heels, and somehow tracks down Lumpy at the hospital and kidnaps him, all under the watchful eyes of the hospital staff. (They did yell “Hey!” at her; so they fulfilled their script obligation.)

The Nightmare

Arriving at the party with Lumpy, her friends all now see Tina wasn’t lying about seeing things. She rightfully smirks. Then her mom and dad show up and it’s the curtain rod treatment again. Somehow Tina escapes with the Lumpster and they drive off in her dad’s car. At this point two things happen (besides a few flashbacks): one is that Tina is in the back seat. Guess where Lumpy is?

The Nightmare

The Nightmare (aka, Der Nachtmahr/2015) is a German movie with subtitles, and yet, during a school class with a teacher of all things, everybody starts talking in better English than I’ve ever managed. The movie was/is planned as a trilogy, so don’t try to figure it all out — just like EDM.

Decadent Puppets and Strippers

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Decadent Evil II

Picking up where Decadent Evil (2005) left off, Ivan’s body (the legendary midget vampire hunter) lies in state. Meaning he’s dead…sort of…and being carried around in a duffel bag by a supermodel vampire named Sugar. (A nod to Basket Case/1982, perhaps?)

Decadent Evil II

Also along for the ride is the midget vampire’s dad — Marvin the homunculus — being kept in a birdcage because he’s been turned into a shrunken red puppet. He can only grunt, but Sugar has no problem understanding him. This makes her human boyfriend understandably jealous. I would be.

Decadent Evil II

Following clues that will lead to the king vampire and possibly a way to resurrect Marvin’s sorta dead son, Sugar and her non-bloodsucking mattress mate get jobs at a local strip club: She does Texas lap dances for cash (with her top on), he sprays antiseptic on the urinals. They believe the club owner is the king vampire whose been eating neck bacon and leaving the bodies along the Interstate.

Decadent Evil II

In order for him to become invincible he needs to leave perma-hickeys on 10,000 blood-gooshing throats — and he has two left to go. Helping him is a couple other vampires —another stripper that doesn’t take her top off and the club’s bouncer.

Decadent Evil II

But the jig is up for Sugar and her knob of a boyfriend. Taken to a junkyard for the final ritual, the pants lamely get pulled down on the king vampire who turns out to be somebody you didn’t think would be a king vampire. If you were paying attention to the “plot” you would’ve figured it out halfway in.

Decadent Evil II

A can of tomato juice costs more than Decadent Evil II’s (2007) entire crap ass special effects budget. And what’s up with all the strippers not stripping? Yep, can’t wait to give all my money to girls to wear clothes. And if there’s anything worse about this 3rd grade script, it’s the final scene where a hottie vampire — tied to a bed with rope and bulbs of garlic — is served up doggy style by the shrunken red puppet. As entertainment value goes, though, you’re better off playing with your own shrunken red puppet.

Mummies, Monsters, Muscles

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hercules in the Haunted World

Of the 1,000 movies starring the strongest human this side of Popeye, Hercules in the Haunted World (1961) stands out because it has flying ghost mummies, a talking rock monster, damned women, and feats of physical strength unseen since I managed to get that really tight lid off a jar of peanut butter last week…with my bare hands!

Hercules in the Haunted World

Hercules and his stylish facial hair is back from dicking around on a bunch of adventures and wants to hook up with Princess Dianara. But she doesn’t recognize him as she’s in a trance. Or on drugs. Same diff. Her only hope is for Hercules to go to Hell and bring back the Living Stone to get her to snap out of it so they can get down to getting down.

Hercules in the Haunted World

Hercules flex battles an army of flying grease mummies, throws stone pillars around like they were made of Styrofoam and punches the smirk off Lyco, the main evil dude.

Hercules in the Haunted World

I ask you — how could anyone not like a movie with all these entertaining elements, as if seeing muscle men running around in alarmingly small togas wasn’t enough?

Meet The New Gods, Same As The Old Gods

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Clash of the Titans

When you think about it, Clash of the Titans (the remake, 2010), is Greek mythology’s version of Christianity. You have God (Zeus), Satan (Hades) and Jesus (Perseus), all playing with the lives and minds of humanity. Kinda like beer.

Clash of the Titans

In this case, Argos, a city of the unwashed, is fed up with the Gods not answering their prayers, and destroys all graven images. This, of course, angers the Gods, and they let Hades make them pay for their blasphemy.

Clash of the Titans

The Gods call for the sacrifice of the queen’s supermodel hot daughter, Andromeda. If they don’t BBQ her alive in 10 days they will unleash the Kraken, a mega creature feared by the Gods themselves. Probably because the darn thing is twice the size of Argos and has a wide variety of long tentacles with which to crush and knock over stuff. Just looking at it will cause you to colorize your toga.

Clash of the Titans

Giant scorpions, snake women, gargoyle harpies, flying horses, the KrakenChristianity was never this cool or fun.

Military UFOs, Teen Witches, Holiday Flesh-Eaters

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rendlesham

UFO fans can rejoice — a TV series is being developed around the famous 1980 Rendlesham Forest Incident, wherein American military personnel, stationed in England, not only encountered a landing UFO, but recorded their observations (on YouTube™) and even walked up and touched the glowing, freaky thing. (Hope they washed their hands, because, you know, space germs.)

Rendlesham

From the press release: “The alleged sightings began on December 26, 1980 when U.S. Air Force security patrols stationed at RAF Woodbridge in Suffolk, England saw lights descending into nearby Rendlesham Forest. When servicemen went to investigate, they found a metallic object with glowing lights in the middle of the forest, and when approached the object moved through the woods, causing farm animals to panic. In daylight the next day, impressions were found in a triangular shape in the forest clearing, and on December 28, deputy base commander Lt. Col. Charles Halt and several other servicemen took radiation readings at the clearing and noticed lights in the distance.”

Rendlesham

“The show will reportedly wave a complex family drama into the real-life events, which will span the 1980s through to 2020, which will mark the 40th anniversary of the Rendlesham incident.”

I’ve seen lots of documentaries about Rendlesham and, despite the commercials, I want to believe. Thus is the power of television. Until the show premiers, which is in the works as we speak, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi you may or may not want to believe in…

Mercy Christmas

MERCY CHRISTMAS (available now/VOD)
Mercy Christmas follows Michael Briskett as he meets the perfect woman. His ideal Christmas dream comes true when she invites him to her family’s holiday celebration. Michael struggles to survive once he realizes HE will be Christmas dinner.”

A cannibal Christmas movie? Another reason for the season. I’m no gourmet chef (although I do make a mean bowl of stove top popcorn), but what would be an appropriate wine pairing with holiday human flesh? My go-to would be Steel Reserve™ (okay, not really wine, but man, what a kick in the pants). Probably some red chardonnay that’s deep, complex and stays with you long after you’ve tasted it. Kinda like flesh. Hope they’re also serving those neat pop-up dinner rolls. It’s like eating fluffy chemicals, but man, what a kick in the taste buds.

The Devil's Toy Box

THE DEVIL’S TOY BOX (available now/VOD)
Cynthia O’Neil enters a haunted asylum known as the Madison Seminary in search of her father who went missing in the asylum while shooting a reality television show.”

Kinda makes you wonder what the Devil considers toys. Slasher Gumby? Silly Blob Putty? Matrix Monopoly? I’d buy ‘em. Just so we’re transparent here, The Devil’s Toy Box was also one of the names of Hellraiser’s (1987) The Lament Configuration (aka, Lemarchand’s Box), a puzzle box, that when solved/opened, would summon Hell’s most Goth entities to welcome you to their depths. As local urban legends go, The Devil’s Toy Box is also cabin in Louisiana that when occupied, makes people go insane. Probably because of intermittent Internet connection, questionable plumbing and no bars for your Evil Smart Phone.

The Lurker

THE LURKER (2018)
“A group of theatre students, celebrating their final show, begin to slowly disappear one at a time.”

Seriously? This is a horror movie? The students probably snuck off to partake in the weed, or in my case, Steel Reserve™.

The Witch Files

THE WITCH FILES (2018)
“A group of marginalized young women form a powerful coven and find they have the ability to grant their every wish. Though they soon realize the danger of messing with powerful forces beyond their control.”

I liked this better when they called it The Craft (1996). So yeah, high school chick witches. I’ll stick with TV’s Sabrina, The Teenage Witch (1996 — 2003) ‘cause she’s such a cutie.

The Craft / Sabrina The Teenage Witch