Fluorescent Frights, Smelly Horror, Next Door Exorcism

Super7.com™ is a website I often click on during work hours. They sell a myriad of cool monster toys, which is purchased regularly to put on the desk to distract from my work load. Gonna have to put in some overtime so I can buy their new Universal Monsters ReAction Luminator Series™, glow-in-the-light model kits: The Wolf Man, Frankenstein and The Mummy. Now I’ll be able to bathe in the model’s day-glo light as well as my Bud Light™.

From Super7.com’s™ website: “Illuminated by the glow of a full moon, The Wolf Man is ready to prowl for his next victim! Inspired by vintage model kits, this 3.75” articulated Universal Monsters ReAction Figure™ of The Wolf Man comes in translucent vibrant yellow, and is packaged in a throwback-style box. It would definitely be a bright idea to add these glow-in-the-light Universal Monsters ReAction Figures™ to your collection!” (Buy ’em here)

While we pad our work hours to come up with the $75 for all three ($25 each, so pretty sure my math is solid), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you give up Bud Light™…

THE FIVE DEVILS /March 24, 2023 (Theaters) / May 12, 2023 (Mubi™)

“Vicky, a strange and solitary little girl, has a magical gift: she can reproduce any scent she likes, and collects them in a series of carefully labeled jars. She has secretly captured the scent of Joanne, her mother for whom she nurtures a wild, excessive love. When her father’s sister Julia bursts into their life, Vicky reproduces her smell and is transported into dark and archaic memories which lead her to uncover the secrets of her village, her family and her own existence.”

I can reproduce smells as well, especially after Taco Tuesday. I don’t store ‘em in labeled jars as I like to spread the love around, if you catch my…drift.

GODLESS: THE EASTFIELD EXORCISM / April 6, 2024 (VOD)

“Convinced his wife is possessed by dark forces, a desperate husband puts his faith in the power of a pitiless self-proclaimed exorcist, who is convinced that salvation can be found only through his hands. Based on a true story, this is a disturbing tale of misplaced faith and destructive zealotry.”

All wives are possessed by dark forces, usually after the honeymoon wears off.

VOICE OF SHADOWS / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

A young working class woman stands to inherit an estate if she and her boyfriend abide by a set of bizarre stipulations.

Been done with Easy Money (1983), starring the legendary Sir Rodney Dangerfield, whose character Monty Capuletti stands to inherit $10 million from his super mean dead wealthy mother-in-law if he goes on a diet and quits doing drugs, drinking and gambling…for a whole year. I wouldn’t have made it a week.

NO WAY UP / release pending 2023 (VOD)

“No Way Up is a high concept combination of disaster movie and survival thriller, as characters from very different backgrounds are thrown together when the plane they’re traveling on crashes into the Pacific Ocean. The stricken airliner comes to rest perilously close to the edge of a bottomless ravine with the surviving passengers and crew trapped in an air pocket. With their air supply rapidly running out, a nightmare fight for survival ensues as dangers from all sides hone-in on them.”

The dangers from all sides means either hybrid razor clam sharks or some of Aquaman’s droppings. Hey, he lives in the ocean — where else is gonna go? Have a heart people – Aquaman’s gotta poop.

Retro Apes, Monk Madness, Virtual Lower Class

Super7.com — maker of retro action figures, shirts and possibly tea-strainers of pop culture personages/things, are offering a series of six retro Planet of the Apes action figures or “toys” for a non-retro price of $15.00 each. So cool, and yet my wallet is pushing back.

Here’s from the press release: “Super7 is beyond stoked to be part of the 50th Anniversary of the original Planet of the Apes film! Now you can travel back to an alternate universe where Apes are waiting at the toy shop after the sci-fi classic blew 1968 minds. Far out, man!”

Far out, man. I heard a hippie say that to me once. I had no idea what he was saying. Maybe it was his response to me telling him he should experience the glory of the washcloth.

So you can get Cornelius, Dr. Zauis, General Ursus, Nova, Taylor and Zira individually or as a set for $90. (No discount for a group purchase). It should be noted that the Taylor action figure isn’t wearing clothes and when you pull the string on the Nova figure, it doesn’t say anything. (Kidding, none of ‘em have strings and most seem to wearing at least a smile.)

Click HERE snag ‘em (the packaging is way cool). And should decide not to buy ‘em. Here are a few now available/upcoming horror and sci-fi films that unfortunately talk when you pull the string…

THE NURSERY (available now)
“When Ranae, a college student babysits for a family with a tragic history, she finds herself stalked by a sinister presence and haunted by ghosts from her own past. Soon, she and her friends must confront the angry, evil spirit hunting them down one-by-one on a deliberate march towards its ultimate prey.”

Geez — what is it with people “haunted by ghosts from their own past”? Who doesn’t have that? heck, I have about a baker’s dozen — or Th13teen Ghosts (heh) — of ‘em just waiting to trip me up every time I’m hired to babysit. Hey, it beats delivering newspapers in the rain. Like the ghosts, that B.S. messes up my hair.

HOUSE OF EVIL (available now)
“Set in the early 70’s, House of Evil tells the story of a young couple, John and Kate, that move into an old mansion in the countryside. Soon they discover that the house is haunted by the Devil himself, who want to possess them and enter the world.”

Even though it was filmed in Italy and released in 2017 where Italian food was born and tastes way better than it does over here in the States, this is an English language flick. Never mind that the plot is so worn out, even the Devil herself only makes cameos; Italian food is tastier than hell.

THE APPEARANCE (2018)
“An officer of the Inquisition and rational man of science, visits a remote monastery to investigate a bizarre murder of a monk. Something evil is afoot. But is the terror man-made or the result of witchcraft?”

Nope, it’s witchcraft. It’s the only thing that makes sense, especially when you have an evil foot.

EMPATHY, INC. (June 24, 2018)
“At the lowest and most desperate moment in his life, hotshot venture capitalist Joel meets old friend Nicolaus and his business partner Lester, who are seeking investors in a new technology known as XVR — Xtreme Virtual Reality — from their company Empathy, Inc., which is said to offer the most realistic and moving experiences for users by placing them in the lives of the less fortunate. Joel gets the startup its funds but soon discovers that the tech’s creators have far more sinister uses in store for their creation and that the reality it provides its customers isn’t virtual.”

This borrows heavily from 1984’s Dreamscape. But if Empathy, Inc. want real virtual experiences for their customers, best to not let them put their pity hat on to step into my shoes. I have an evil afoot.