Archive for the Foreign Horror Category

Crime-Fighting Coup, Snowy Sorcerer, Blood Geyser

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, paranormal, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

If you could own any car in the world, hands down it’d have to be the Batmobile, yes? Screw those poser Lamborghinis and Ferraris; Do they have ejection seats? A parachute braking system? Purple smoke coming out of the exhaust? I think not. But since the original Batmobile — which has all those essential features and more — sold for $4.6 million in 2013, you’re just gonna have to take your Aston Martin Vulcan or Bugatti Bolideto to The Elephant Car Wash™ and pay extra for the hot wax rinse.

Or will you? The Batmobile used in 1989’s Batman and 1992’s Batman Returns is now up for grabs for a crime-stopping $1.5 million car bucks through Classic Auto Mall™. (There’s an unrobbed 7-Eleven™ right next door.) According to the sales pitch, this isn’t just a replica — it’s the actual working prop car designed by illustrator Julian Caldow and built by John Evans’ SFX team at Pinewood Studios in England. Riddle me this — do you want to impress the citizens of your city and strike fear into the hearts of Honda Civic owners or not? You don’t need to have an annoying sidekick who just won’t shut up to answer that.

More selling points: “The car has a Daytona Prototype-like jet engine nose and tall batwings that sandwich its slide-away cockpit. The fighter jet-style cockpit (somehow) has room for three passengers as well as working gadgets, including a flamethrower.” And I ask, what car doesn’t need a flamethrower — beside that grouchy Mad Max neighbor of yours?  

So while we’re looking forward to “Robin” the cookie jar to buy this four-wheeled traffic-thwarter, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not need the flamethrower treatment after watching ’em…  

BED REST / December 7, 2022 (Tubi™)

After years of struggling to start a family, Julie Rivers is pregnant again and moving into a new home with her husband as they embrace a fresh start. Upon being ordered to mandatory bed rest, Julie begins to slowly unravel as she suffers through the monotony and anxiety of her new constraints. Soon, terrifying ghostly experiences in the home begin to close in on Julie, stirring up her past demons and causing others to question her mental stability. Trapped and forced to face her past and the supernatural, Julie fights to protect herself and her unborn baby.”

If you’re a chick spending years trying to get pregnant, of course bed rest is gonna be mandatory. So will cold compresses and walking on crutches for a week or so. For guys it’s usually eight bowls of Wheaties™, 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and it’s saddle up time again for the baloney pony.

THE WINTER WITCH / December 13, 2022 (DVD)

“At the behest of her boss, journalist Ingrid Hoffman returns to her ancestral home when several children are found slaughtered in nearby woodland. With the village suspecting the infamous Winter Witch is behind the killings, together with her daughter Eleanor and estranged grandmother Omi, Ingrid must uncover the truth and stop the curse of Frau Perchta once and for all.”

The Winter Witch is the hardest working wiccan in snow business.

KNOCK AT THE CABIN / February 3, 2023 (Theaters)

“While vacationing at a remote cabin, a young girl and her parents are taken hostage by four armed strangers who demand that the family make an unthinkable choice to avert the apocalypse. With limited access to the outside world, the family must decide what they believe before all is lost.”

What could an unthinkable choice to avert the apocalypse be in this worst case scenario? Let’s examine the obvious clue: a remote cabin. Clearly, the four armed strangers are demanding toilet paper, which is a treasured commodity when in an isolated area and the nearest Wal-Mart™ is as far away as the buzzards fly. Depending on how many wild blueberries and pine cone pot pies you eat, to be without toilet talismans can indeed be an apocalyptic event.

PROJECT WOLF HUNTING / May 15, 2023 (Screambox™)

“During transport from the Philippines to South Korea, a group of dangerous criminals unites to stage a coordinated escape attempt. As the jailbreak escalates into a bloody, all-out riot, the fugitives and their allies from the outside exact a brutal terror campaign against the special agents onboard the ship.”

The advance reviews are enough to make you fill your horror pants with joy AND happiness: “Unending geysers of blood that erupt from wounds, which seem to have tremendously high blood pressure…”, “You’re thrillingly never quite sure who will survive by the end of each escalating episode of bloody bedlam…”, “Frenzied firefights, gory martial arts, all erupting upon the screen with a rousing, volcanic velocity…” I’m a non-religious type of guy, but that sounds like Heaven to me.

Grisly Game, Hell’s Flophouse, Holiday Varmint

Posted in Vampires, Werewolves, Evil, Classic Horror, Slashers, Foreign Horror, paranormal with tags , , , , , on November 28, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre came out in 1974 and almost overnight became one of the most notorious and shocking movies ever made, despite the fact a victim being sawed into barbecue fixins by the human-skin masked Leatherface was never shown. Sure, you heard the shrieks and the revving chainsaw, but you didn’t get to see the gory-fied action. Behold, the power of suggestion.

Now, nearly five decades later, you finally get the chance to play out your “death by power tool” fantasies with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game. And at $59.95, which was ironically more than TCM’s film budget, you can afford to. Beats paying to see all nine of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s crappy sequels. Here’s what your coveted pocket coupons will get you…

Trick or Treat Studios™ introduces The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game from designer Scott Rogers with illustrations by Terry Wolfinger. The players’ van has run out of gas, leaving them stranded and at the mercy of the Slaughter family. Work together and push your luck to escape. In this cooperative game, all players win or lose as a group. Pull tokens from a gruesome bag to take actions — but be careful, pulling too many may antagonize the Slaughter family.”

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game is set to ship March 31, 2023 — preorder it HERE. While we’re getting in the mood by going to a hardware store and buying (or “purchasing”) the Poulan™ 306a saw (the model used in the movie), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not leave you feeling like you just got a haircut with a power tool…

THE HOUSE THAT EATS FLESH / Out now (VOD)

“There is a house that has been passed down from generation to generation, but it isn’t just any ordinary house. This house is built on the Gates of Hell. A group of friends desperate to have a nice holiday together will discover the truth of what goes on inside. The doors are locked, the windows are barred — and something sinister is breaking through the floor.”

A house built on the Gates of Hell. Well, dang — they finally made a movie about the Tug Tavern.

THE MEAN ONE / December 9, 2022 (Theaters/Limited), December 15, 2022 (free online)

“In a sleepy mountain town, Cindy has her parents murdered and her Christmas stolen by The Mean One — a bloodthirsty green figure in a red Santa suit . But when the ravenous, Christmas hating creature begins to terrorize the town and threatens to ruin the holiday, she finds a new purpose — trapping and killing the monster.”

Bloodthirsty green figure. I bet its the Green Goblin. Or Green Lantern. Or Shrek. Or Kermit the Frog. Or the incredible Hulk, who is more than noticeably green. I’m calling for a police lineup. 

WOLF MANOR / January 9, 2023 (DVD & Digital Download)

“Shooting a vampire flick in an old, abandoned manor house should have worked like a dream, but the British film crew is out of their depth, over schedule and desperate to get the shoot finished and go home. However, as the moon turns full, the nightmare begins. Blood flows and the body count rises as cast and crew meet the manor’s resident werewolf.”

Werewolves rarely mind their manors. Heh.

BRIDE OF THE KILLER PIÑATA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“10 years after finally defeating the Killer Piñata, Lindsey Goodman finds herself struggling with domestic life in the suburbs. When a new piñata arrives looking for help, the Killer Piñata wakes, mentoring her in its murderous ways and reigning hell down on the suburbs. With her family in the cross-hairs, Lindsey must rally the old crew one last time to send the Killer Piñata back to Hell for good.”

Okay…what? I really hope Lindsay’s old crew is rally-able as having the Killer Piñata casing the suburbs devalues everyone’s cul-de-sac.

Goth Threads, Bloodthirsty Lawnmower, Ghost Barge

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 22, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gold brocade laced pants? Black jacquard waistcoat? Sapphire waist cincer corset? The fashion monster inside me wants out of its cage, all because I clicked on DraculaClothing.com. This clothing site, for all who live in the Darkness (or a drafty 450 ft one-bedroom apartment with insensitive neighbors), is one-stop shopping for vampire, Goth, and steampunk suits, dresses, coats, ties, jewelry, accessories, corsets, and more.

Located in the Czech Republic, Dracula Clothing’s elegantly evil fashions will unleash your inner cosplay or further define your style esthetic, all at extremely affordable prices. (Under $200 dollars, or “Romanian Lei.”) And hey, free worldwide shipping. Minunat!

Who wouldn’t want to go to a snooty masquerade ball dressed to kill in a black brocade long vest with matching velvet officer pants, an onyx tie and a rhinestone skull necklace while you hover around the buffet table, looking to bite the necks of chilled shrimp appetizers? Now THAT would be freakin’ dernier cri!

While we go to DraculaClothing.com for a neck-to-nut, creature of the night wardrobe upgrade, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be stylish in the day OR night…

BLADES IN THE DARKNESS / Out now (VOD
“Tirana 1997. The chaos left by the fall of Communism has opened the doors to a bloody civil war. Matia, just a teenager, is harassed by his playmates. In an attempt to escape, he hides inside an abandoned bunker. In that spooky building, Matia will be the first to discover something scary and unthinkable that will change his whole life…a bloodthirsty horror armed with deadly blades.”

Sounds like my lawnmower has been moonlighting

MASK OF THE DEVIL / Out now (VOD)

“An intern in a porn movie production battles against the evil powers inhabiting an ancient tribal mask.”

I would very much like to be an intern on a porn movie production. Heck, I’ll pay them to hire me. Please. Don’t make me beg.

TERROR TALK / Out Now (Tubi™)

“When a virus outbreak causes widespread panic, a doomsday prepper retreats into his new house, believing that he’s safe from the dangers outside. He soon discovers his house is haunted by terrifying ghosts.”

Tough call — germs outside, ghosts inside. But it boils down to this: germs will make you a ghost, whereas ghosts can’t transmit germs. So yeah, new roommates. Problem solved. 

THE HAUNTING OF LADY-JANE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

The peaceful waterways of the English countryside are plagued by legends of Ràn — a water spirit who collects the bodies of sinful people along the river. After a disturbing incident left Lily emotionally scarred and estranged from her parents she decides to begin her life again. Now a socially aware writer on female empowerment, she decides to tour the country with Zara, whose journey of self-identity has led her to fully explore life. Lily met Zara through her blog, they decided to become travel companions. They see a chance to travel on a barge the Lady-Jane on the English canals. The journey upriver becomes increasingly bizarre and dangerous when canal ghosts surfaces, and the spirit known as Ràn torments them on their journey.

You know how to torment that super mean Ràn fellow? Pee and/or urinate over the side of the barge into the canal, or “British lap pool.”

A Kaiju Reborn, Airborne Apes, Post-Puberty Exorcist

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Gods of All That Is Kaiju have FINALLY answered my last call prayers. Gamera, one of the greatest giant monsters ever in the history of ever (spinning Frisbee™ flight abilities, plasma flames blasting out of mouth AND butthole area, Osmond-sized teeth), is coming back after being in hibernation since 2006. Kadokawa Daiei Studio and Netflix™ just announced they’re working on a project called Gamera: Rebirth for 2023. After I post this blog, I’ll need to go swap out my under garments because, you know…

From Joblow.com: “A giant, fire-breathing, prehistoric turtle monster, Gamera was first introduced to audiences in the 1965 film Gamera, the Giant Monster, which begins with an atomic bomb waking him from a long slumber in the Arctic. Over the next six years, Gamera returned in Gamera vs. Barugon, Gamera vs. Gyaos, Gamera vs. Viras, Gamera vs. Guiron, Gamera vs. Jiger, and Gamera vs. Zigra. When the studio was struggling with financial issues in 1980, they cut together a bunch of stock footage Gamera: Super Monster. Gamera then took a fifteen year break before being brought back in a trilogy of films directed by Shusuke Kaneko. Those were Gamera: Guardian of the Universe, Gamera 2: Attack of Legion, and Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris. The most recent film was 2006’s Gamera the Brave.”

While we look for a time machine to transport us to the premier of Gamera: Rebirth’s exact day and time in 2023, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not taste as good as giant prehistoric turtle soup

ALL EYES / Out now (VOD)

“Allen hosts a podcast about strange people and paranormal phenomena. One day, he gets fired from his job. He’s totally distraught, but soon enough, he comes across a case that just might revitalize his career. He’s contacted by a widowed farmer named Don who claims there’s a monster living in the woods near his house, so Allen travels to the man’s home to interview him and see him capture the beast.”

WTF?!? Monsters live in the woods? Dang — I live right next to some woods. This really upsets my stomach area. Sure, Bigfoot lives in there as well, but he’s not really a monster. He’s more of a Naturalist/organic hippie free spirit who just happens to occasionally scare the kale outta people.

CRYO / Out now (VOD)

“In an underground facility, five scientists wake from cryosleep with no memory of who they are or how long they’ve been asleep. They soon make a shocking realization: a killer is hunting them down there, and may even be hiding among them.”

Waking up with no memory of who they are or how long they’ve been asleep sounds like they had an epic night at the Tug Tavern instead of an underground facility.

GALE: STAY AWAY FROM OZ / Pending release 2022/2023

“Long gone are the days of emerald cities and yellow brick roads in this dark re-imagining of The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy Gale is now an elderly woman, broken by years of paranormal entanglement with a mystical realm, which has now echoed down to her only living relative, Emily, who is being called to settle unfinished business in this terrifying world of Oz.”

Hoping this one is as bloodthirsty and barbaric as the 1939 original. It better not have dork dancing and ear gouging song interludes, though. Crossing fingers for flying monkeys.

BLOOD FLOWER / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Iqbal, a 16-year-old apprentice faith healer and exorcist, is tormented by visions of the dead and spirits from other dimensions. When a malicious spirit begins to wreak havoc around him, Iqbal is forced to harness his supernatural gifts to save his family and friends.”

A 16-year-old exorcist/faith healer who can see the dead from other dimensions. At 16 I was a paperboy.

Monster Face, Skin Snacks, Braless Bloodshed

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Have you ever wanted to look like Godzilla but found that plastic surgery and/or being exposed to radiation is just to darn too costly? Super7™ has your back (and face) with their slick, fully-licensed Godzilla mask, priced at an easily-borrowed $20. Having a Godzilla mug not enough? Super7™ also has Hedorah and Mechagodzilla masks as well. Get all three for $60 to switch up your game — then go out on the town and knock a few buildings over.

From their website: “Be the King of the Monsters, the Smog Monster Hedorah, or the mechanical wonder Mechagodzilla for Halloween or every day of the year with the officially licensed Super7 x Toho retro masks! Made of high quality plastic with an elastic headband and with retro packaging.”

While you look for a shirt and trousers to go with your new and improved features, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved with radiation… 

CHUYEN MA GAN NHÀ (Vietnamese Horror Story) / Out now (Screambox™)

“This horror anthology film presents three tales inspired by the country’s urban legends and folklore: an actress seeking everlasting beauty; a magician who makes a deal with evil; and a psychic seeking the remains of a deceased girl.”

This Vietnamese movie came out earlier this year and was a huge hit. It’s now available in the States. Wish I knew it was gonna be released here before I flew all the way to Southeast Asia to catch the matinee. (I loaded up on Cu-do Candy, Bim Bim and some Mut at the snack bar — only cost me 37,1625 dong.) 

THE SAWYER MASSACRE / Out now (YouTube™)

“On June 30th, 1965, Jimmy’s friends bring him to the Texas countryside to escape city life after a terrible tragedy. In need of supplies for their cabin, they ascend to a nearby gas station where they are directed to find their supplies at an isolated farmhouse but this property is not as it seems. They soon find themselves hunted by a human flesh-eating psychopath with an arsenal of violent tools at his disposal. If any live through the nightmare, they’ll wish they hadn’t.”

This Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) prequel answers the question of how much flesh can a flesh-eating psychopath eat. Irregardless of the saturated fat, probably a lot. And hey, you could make deli-sawed butt sandwiches out of the leftovers.

THE BOOGEYMAN /January 2023 (Hulu™)

“A sixteen-year-old and her younger sister, still reeling from the death of their mother, are targeted by a supernatural boogeyman after their father, a psychologist, has an encounter with a desperate patient in their house.”

This movie is based on the 1973 Stephen King short story, which later showed up in his best-selling Night Shift collection in 1978. Didn’t read it — I never learned to read until 1981. Late bloomer.

MURDERCISE / Release pending June 2023 (VOD)

“Phoebe is an obsessed fitness nerd who gets her big break on a sleazy workout video. After being ridiculed by her co-stars, Phoebe befriends a mafia princess wild child, who teaches her how to murder her way to the top.”

Warning — this movie features exercising girls not wearing bras. Be careful not to hurt yourself watching it.

Krampus Gifts, Teen Demons, Witch Grandmas

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Slashers, Vampires, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Looking for a way to make Christmas, birthdays and everyday more filled with horror than they already are? Then you need to check out Spooky Cat Press (click here) and peruse tons of awesome horror and horror movie-themed stuff, from gift wrap, greeting cards and coffee mugs (you could legally put cold booze in ’em if so desired), to clothing, phone cases and decor, which I believe is French for “decoration.” From their website: “Spooky Cat Press is an artist-owned Gothic & Horror shop with all the essentials for spooky gifting.”

Just in time for the holidays is a killer line of greeting cards: Horror Christmas, Zodiac Christmas, Halloween Christmas, Krampus Christmas and Zombie Christmas. And it doesn’t stop there — you can get cards for Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Gothic Witch, Tiki, and so much more, you’ll make giddy in your pants. I just bought the eight-piece Krampus Folklore Cards box set (only $16.75). Tomorrow I’ll tap into whatever’s left of my 401k to grab the Zombie Santa Cards set as well. Then I’ll go wash my pants.

So while you take most of the day to go through Spooky Cat Press’ vast catalog of coolness, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you have to wash your pants… 

13 EXORCISMOS / Out now (VOD)

“After the strange behavior displayed by teenager Laura Villegas, her family calls a Vatican-sanctioned exorcist to intervene in the case of demonic possession. From there a series of strange phenomena appear.

Why the fuss? Demonic possession is merely a part of being a teen.

JACK & JILL: THE HILLS OF HELL / Out now (VOD), January 10, 2023 (DVD)

“While searching for her missing daughter, a woman discovers that Jack and Jill are fetching more than buckets of water.”

A horror movie based on a nursery rhymes from the 18th Century. Can’t wait for a horror movie based on “There once was a man from Nantucket…”

EVIL EYE (aka MAL DE OJO) / Out now (VOD)

“Nala, a thirteen-year-old girl from the city, travels with her family to her grandmother’s home in the countryside to try to find a cure for her little sister’s mysterious illness. But she’ll soon find her granny is not exactly what she seems.”

Granny is not exactly what she seems? Either “she’s” a cross-dressing grandpa or a wrinkled witch who makes killer cookies. Hope it’s both. (Okay, all of that was just…weird.)

8 FOUND DEAD / Pending release 2022/2023

“Two couples drive to a secluded house in the desert for a weekend getaway; each with their own baggage, expectations, and secrets. Upon their arrival, each couple is met by two strangers, claiming to have rented the house as well. A couple of local sheriffs help the audience navigate the depraved and violent events of the evening, but what starts out as a ‘simple misunderstanding’ ends in an all-night bloodbath.”

All-night bloodbath. Sounds like a typical Saturday night at the Tug Tavern.

Enfant Terrible, Kaiju Cadaver, Possessed Snow

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Child’s Play, the 1988 horror movie hit about Chucky, a serial killing 36” toy doll (made so via a voodoo soul transfer of the cutlery-inclined murder guy, Charles Lee Ray), has gone on to become one of the most successful horror movie franchises of all time. The scorecard: seven films, a television series, comic books, video games, micro-beer, and tie-in merchandise, generating over $250 million killer coupons. And Chucky, the “tiny tycoon of terror,” has impressive body count accomplishments that eclipse those of Friday the 13th’s Jason Voorhees and Halloween’s Michael Myers

So it makes perfect financial sense someone would do a Child’s Play documentary. Titled Living With Chucky, the doc comes out on Screambox™ in early 2023, and slices deep into the persistent popularity of the pliable puppet.

From the official press release: “Written and directed by Kyra Elise Gardner, Living With Chucky explores the roots of the iconic horror franchise and details the history of production, as well as focusing on Gardner’s own relationship with the series and what Chucky means to her. Not only is she a franchise super-fan, Gardner has a closer relationship to Chucky than most — her father is puppeteer and designer Tony Gardner, who worked on a number of Child’s Play films as well as leading puppetry on the recent Chucky TV series. Gardner even lovingly refers to Chucky as her “mass murdering 3-foot-tall redheaded stepbrother.”

So while we wait for Living With Chucky and the inevitable Chucky Condoms™ (rubber — get it?), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as resilient as killer Tupperware™… 

WHAT TO DO WITH A DEAD KAIJU / Out now (VOD)

“A large monster attacks Japan, but dies suddenly. While the people rejoice and bask in relief, the giant corpse left behind begins to slowly rot and bloat. If it explodes, the nation will be destroyed.”

A rotting and bloated corpse of a giant monster is about to explode and destroy the nation. I need that tattooed somewhere on my forehead.

ORBITAL / Pending release 2022 (VOD)

“Peter Randof uses his wealth to construct a massive ring around Earth. Destined to finish the project, the fully-constructed mega-structure leads to unforeseen consequences.”

Let’s re-frame this with a metaphor we can all relate to: the ring is the seat, Earth is the toilet. That established, you already know what the “unforeseen” consequences are.

SNOW FALLS / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“After a winter storm strands five friends in a remote cabin with no power and little food, disorientation slowly claims their sanity as each of them succumbs to a fear that the snow itself may be contaminated or somehow evil.”

One only needs to reflect on the 1974 wisdom of Frank Zappa in regards to tainted winter weather: “Watch out where the Huskies go, and don’t you eat that yellow snow.” Words to live by. Music to dance to.

SHELBY OAKS / July, 2023 (VOD)

“A woman’s desperate search for her long-lost sister falls into obsession upon realizing that the imaginary demon from their childhood may have been real.”

There’s no such thing as “imaginary demons.” Real demons are all over the place. Start with your bartender and go from there.

Hellraising Kids, Corpse Condo, Krisp Kringle

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

You’ve already been to Hell and back (some of us more often than others), so why not show your little hellraisers how to do the same? Now you can with the Shape Shifting Hellraiser Puzzle Box — for kids! 

A sort of demonic Jack-in-the-Box™, Hellraiser’s infamous Lament Configuration is used to call on Cenobites to tear your soul (and flesh and pants) apart with extra-large fishing hooks so that you may experience the ultimate pain and pleasure. (As if last call didn’t cover both.) And it’s now available at Wal-Mart™ for a wallet-piercing $25.99.

From the marketing statement: “Marketed as a STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math) building toy, the Hellraiser Puzzle Box can move and change shape like in the movie. It can be an educational toy to help children build self-esteem and confidence, develop spatial awareness, train memory skills, and exercise hand-eye coordination.”

Uh…wow. So cancel culture can unilaterally ban R-rated high school books, but a demonic puzzle box to summon extra-dimensional sadomasochism Goth leather demons from another realm is okay for kids? As f’d in the b-hole as this sounds, at least your child playing with the Lament Configuration is a safer than high school.

So while you’re contemplating the ramifications of your kid being able to summon flesh fetish demons, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cause you the ultimate pain and/or pleasure…

KRAMPUS: THE RETURN / Out now (Tubi™)

“When Lisa and her friends go looking for answers behind her brother’s mysterious death, they discover he was a victim of the infamous Christmas demon.”

Yet another “Anti-Claus” movie that does little to explore the real horror of Christmas. For instance, did you know Krampus uses candy canes as rectal thermometers on kids who’ve been bad all year? I didn’t just make that up.

THE OFFERING / Out now (VOD)

“In the wake of a young Jewish girl’s disappearance, the son of a Hasidic funeral director returns home with his pregnant wife in hopes of reconciling with his father. Little do they know that directly beneath them in the family morgue, an ancient evil lurks inside a mysterious corpse with sinister plans for the unborn child.”

I suppose if I were an ancient evil (then again, I may already be), I’d totally hide out in a mysterious corpse. Seems like it’d be cozy, if not a bit sticky and freshness-expired. Don’t think I’d have sinister plans outside of discharging a couple of well-timed formaldehyde farts during funerals. That would be super fun.

NO DEJES DE GRABAR 2 / Out now (VOD)

Jonathan, a businessman who lives in Paris, decides to go to Barcelona to investigate the crimes that happened eight years ago. Along the way, he meets a mysterious man who tells him that he, too, is looking for clues. Jonathan finds himself at a crossroads full of mysteries, paranormal events and terrible situations, but nothing will stop him until he finds out the truth of what is happening in that building, now abandoned.”

The movie’s Spanish title translates to Do Not Stop Recording. Can’t tell you how many heavy metal vomit parties I attended where, after assisting with the draining of sacrificial kegs, how those exact words keep coming back to haunt me.

SHADOWS / November 15, 2022 (VOD)

“Alma and Alex, two teenage sisters, are survivors of a catastrophic event. They live deep in the woods with their mother, a strict, overprotective woman who has sheltered them from ominous presences, the Shadows, which live in the daylight and infest the world beyond the river. When they follow mother out for hunting, Alma and Alex start a series of events which will make them discover the truth about the Shadows and their own reality.”

I’ll take the Shadows over a strict mom any day. The Shadows won’t make me clean my room, finish my vegetables and do my homework. Not that I ever did what I was told, mind you. In your face, responsible parenting.

Origin of Blood, Nuclear Crabs, Killer Kangaroos

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Get ready to load your britches. Ahead of The Witcher Season 3 next summer, The Witcher: Blood Origin, a spinoff series, is coming to Netflix™, December 25, 2022. Check to see if your pants can handle a double load. If not, you’re pre-forgiven, so no holiday party foul.

From Netflix™: “A four-part series, The Witcher: Blood Origin is set in an elven world 1200 years before the world of The Witcher and will tell a story lost to time – the creation of the first prototype Witcher, and the events that lead to the pivotal ‘conjunction of the spheres,’ when the worlds of monsters, men, and elves merged to become one.”

While we get ready to open the Christmas present that is The Witcher: Blood Origin, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you tarnish your trousers…

THE WITCH: PART 2 – THE OTHER ONE / Out now (VOD/DVD)

“In this sequel to the popular Korean sci-fi action thriller, the story moves away from a confined secret lab and out into the real world. After a mysterious girl emerges as the sole survivor of a bloody raid on the research facility behind the top-secret Witch Program, she is rescued by a pair of civilians who soon realize the girl is both very powerful and in very grave danger.”

In case you have a weak stomach for witch-y violence, carnage and/or violent carnage, you might wanna watch Hocus Pocus 2 instead. Everyone else, broom up.

THE WILLOWBROOK / Out now (VOD)

“A renowned wellness influencer invites one of her recently overdosed followers to seek recovery at her small-town manor. Once the follower arrives, she realizes the dark world existing within the manor is not what she — nor millions of others — perceived from the Internet. With a gripping and fast-paced tone, this film explores the duplicitous side of social media.”

This is probably as boring as it sounds.

CRABS! / November 15, 2022 (VOD) November 22, 2022 (Blu-ray)

Mutated by nuclear runoff, a horde of murderous horseshoe crabs descend on a sleepy California town causing Prom Night terror. As the deadly crustaceans claw their way through the disbelieving population, it’s up to a ramshackle band of students and local law enforcement to address the increasingly ginormous crab menace.”

Used to be there were only two ways to catch crabs: get a job on a fishing boat or sitting your fart box on a gas station bathroom toilet. These days crabs come out of the ocean and jump right in your lap. Even though the cut-throat crustaceans are painfully pinching people in this movie, might as well make the most of it and smear butter and a squeeze of lemon all over your pants.

THE RED / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“A young sheriff, obsessed with living up to her dead father’s legacy, finds her mettle tested to the limit when locals start being found ripped to shreds. Now she must finally face up to her past, and work with her eccentric Vietnam veteran uncle to defeat the beast before it kills everyone in town.”

The Red takes place in the Outback (Australia, not the semi-popular restaurant chain with reasonably-priced albeit mediocre center-cut sirloin steaks). The “ripped-to-shreds” community can only mean one thing: a runaway X300 Select Series John Deere™ Lawn Tractor. Or a carnivorous kangaroo.

’70s Horror, Spanish Exorcisms, Funeral Fun

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Was perusing Flashbak’s™ comprehensive dissertation (sorry — word of the day calendar) on 15 Reasons The 1970s Were The Best Decade In Horror Cinema. Unlike this blog, the article, written by Yeoman Lowbrow (fake or not, great name), is extremely well researched, and presents a detailed argument to support the claim.

Key to the thesis is the poster art for such lurid gems as I Spit On Your Grave (1978), Love Exorcist (1975) and The Toolbox Murders (1978), to must see feel-good movies as The Sinful Dwarf (1973), Nude For Satan (1974), and Deranged: Confessions of a Necrophile (1974). It was the gloriously gruesome art that first drew me down horror movie’s dark path I’m currently still trying to find my way off of. (Okay, not really.)

Sub-topic examples go from The Grit (genuine grime), What’s a Taboo? (pre-political correctness), Promotional Gimmicks (barf bags), Euro-Horror (La Orgia Nocturna De Los Vampires/1972, La Noche De Los Diablos/1972), Occult-Gone-Wild (The Omen/1976, The Sentinel/1977, Alucarda/1978), as well as Slow-Burn Horror, A Sequel-Free World and Nudity Aplenty (horror and boobies go together like beer and nachos ).

While you abandon the cart that is Drinkin’ & Drive-in™ and bounce on over to Flashbak’s™ encyclopedic essay (click down on it), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as spitting on graves and/or taking off your pants in the name of evil…  

LA EXORCISTA / Out now (VOD)

“Ofelia, a young nun recently arrived at the town of San Ramon, is forced to perform an exorcism on a pregnant woman. Just when it looks like the possession has ended, she discovers that the evil presence has not vanished.”

My mom couldn’t find an exorcist when she was knocked up with me. Dodged that bullet.

JACK FROST / Out now (VOD)

A family is terrorized by Jack Frost, a Christmas demon, and must learn their family’s dark secrets that link to why they are cursed. This Christmas, Jack will stop at nothing to exact his vengeance on those left in the bloodline.”

Christmas sure is lot more evil these days, what with all the evil Christmas trees, evil Santa Clauses, evil Mrs. Santa Clauses, evil elves, evil toys, evil reindeer… Miss the days when I was the most evil thing every Christmas.

CHRISTMAS CRAFT FAIR MASSACRE / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

“A holiday craft fair is ground zero for a coven of Satan worshipers who stalk and kidnap a group of locals in their attempt to create a ‘Satanic Nativity’ with occult spells and grisly slayings.”

Apparently Halloween is not enough for Satan worshippers. That community seems to be taking over all our cherished holidays. What’s next — Thanksgiving of the Damned? Malevolent Memorial Day? Villainous Valentine’s? Foul 4th of July? Those Satan loving asshats better not go anywhere near Groundhog’s Day…   

NUTCRACKER MASSACRE / December 2022 (VOD)

“Clara, a struggling, young romance novelist, receives an invitation from her beloved aunt to spend Christmas holidays with her. When she arrives at the secluded countryside cottage, sees that her aunt has a life-sized nutcracker doll by the Christmas tree. Something about the doll unnerves her. That night, at the stroke of midnight, the star on the Christmas tree glows, as do the eyes of the life-size nutcracker. It comes to life and kills a delivery man who has come to the house — and its reign of havoc has only just started…”

Outside of pro wrestling finishing moves, no guy was/is comfortable with the word “nutcracker. Holiday nuts should be fondled, not cracked.

SCARE PACKAGE II: RAD CHAD’S REVENGE / December 2022 (Shudder™)

“When horror guru Rad Chad Buckley’s funeral turns into an elaborate series of hilarious death traps, the guests must band together and use the rules of horror to survive the bloody game.”

I thought a funeral was a death trap. This sounds like an escape room game. Unfortunately, there is no escape room for dying. Yet.