Shark Treats, Island Vampires, Stupid Zombies

Three new official character posters for Meg 2: The Trench. (The one I posted on November 16, 2022 was a fan-made piece of crap.) Quick update in case you didn’t see The Meg back in 2018 — a megalodon shark, about the size of Florida, swims up from the bottom of the ocean for some screaming taste treats. Now, in Meg 2: The Trench, more megalodons and added hungry sea monsters come to the surface for — you guessed it — more screaming taste treats.

The opening scene in the trailer for Meg 2: The Trench shows a dinosaur being attacked and graphically consumed by a shore-breaching megalodon. From there it gets even more believable. There were 26 movie posters for The Meg, so these three are just the tip of the tooth. Meg 2: The Trench opens wide in theaters on August 4, 2023.

While we go get in line for the movie now (you want good seats, don’t you?), here are few out now horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not go down as easily as screaming taste treats…

RESURRECTED / Out now (VOD)

“The Catholic Church learns how to resurrect people. The whole process is kept secret and follows strict rules: only sinless believers under the age of 65 can be resurrected. The film is set on the computer of Stanley, an on-line church priest who helps those who were brought back to life. He is divorced and his son lives with his ex-wife, so he can chat with him only on-line. Stanley’s son was the first person to be resurrected after he died in a car accident that Stanley caused. Soon Stanley learns that there is a huge conspiracy behind the resurrection process.”

Just like the Catholic Church™ to impose a pile of strict rules in order to be brought back from the dead. I bet that Jesus guy got a free pass.

PULAU / Out now (VOD)

“The vacation of a group of youngsters turns into an endless horrifying nightmare after a losing bet forces them to spend a night on a deserted island. As they stumble upon a mysterious abandoned village, they accidentally break an old spell that was placed to restrain an antagonizing spirit trapped in the island. One by one, they are made to suffer the gripping and gruesome consequences of their mistakes, infuriating an evil creature that needs human blood to stay alive. The only way out is in the hands of a girl who desperately needs to use her supernatural gift to untangle an unsettling history connected to a tainted cross-cultural love story.”

Sounds like they happened upon one of those possible island vampires. They’re allergic to papaya, command a legion of monkey butlers and have to wear so much sunblock, they look like members of KISS.

TULAH 6/13 / Out now (VOD)

“Five teenagers who decided to go on vacation on June 13 before getting preoccupied with their final college assignments. But their beautiful vacation plans turned tense after the car they were driving was involved in a single accident. Gilang, who woke up alone in the car, tried to find his other four friends, but at the same time he received a barrage of terror that terrified him. These terrors made him remember his childhood trauma when he celebrated his birthday which falls on June 13th.”

The last time I received a barrage of terror that terrified me was walking into the Tug Tavern during speed dating night.

UNDEADUCATED / Out now (VOD)

“So, what might happen if you were stuck late at school when the zombie apocalypse happens? What’s going on? Is this all part of some twisted experiment the professor is conducting on the kids? Did the crazy cook do it? Will they see tomorrow?”

They just found a way to make zombie movies even worse.

May The Speed Force Be With You, People Plants, Cutting Out Social Media

The buzz is buzzing about The Flash upcoming movie (June 23, 2023), with the trailers revealing two Flashes, two Batmans, Supergirl, and General Zod, though he died in Man of Steel (2013). Hey, movies can do whatever they want with our minds. And with that comes more character posters, these three new ones being Flash, Supergirl and Batman. (My character poster was cut as I’m not in the film, apparently.)

So here’s the official plot, though it wasn’t that difficult to piece it together after watching the trailers: “Barry Allen uses his super speed to change the past, but his attempt to save his family creates a world without super heroes, forcing him to race for his life in order to save the future.” 

So while we debate whether or not having me in The Flash has any added marquee value, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/film shorts that may or may not give you the…runs. P.S. The Flash stole Metallica’s logo. Just sayin’.

YOUR HOUSEPLANTS ARE SCREAMING / Out now (VOD)

“Human houseplants are held captive by a giant plant creature. Confined to their pots, the houseplants struggle to comprehend the horror of being shelf ornaments in a grotesque hell house made of flesh, meat, muscle and bone.”

Human houseplants. I can only imagine what is being used as fertilizer.

KILLER KITES / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“When Abby’s grandma dies, the only thing she inherits is a stupid kite. After giving it to her brother, he is mysteriously killed and the kite disappears. While searching for the truth, Abby is tangled in a strange supernatural plot, where this killer kite continues to kill. Now, Abby must string together a way to stop the kite before it blows us all away. Kites may not be the scariest monster ever, but they’re up there.”

I heard this was made on a kite string budget.

#CHADGETSTHEAXE / Fall 2023 (VOD)

“Four social media influencers live stream their trip to Devil’s Manor, former home to a satanic cult.”

The only thing worse than social media horror movies is watching ‘em.

THE MOUNT 2 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A year after the incident at the Mount, the police are still investigating the murders of Philomena and Caroline. The Mount has been cordoned off by the police. However, on Halloween night, a group of teenagers break in. They plan on holding a wedding between friends, conducted by a rather odd character. Little did they know some unexpected guests would show up to crash the party.

Don’t look at me like that — I heard there’s an open bar.

Sell-Out Horror, Digital Zombies, Haunted Caregiver

The awesomely awesome Bottleneck Gallery (bottleneckgallery.com), dealers in limited edition, spectacular horror/sci-fi art, might have set a record with artist Andrew Rowland’s take on The Shining — all three variants of the art sold out mere moments after they went on sale. Priced from $40 to $60, these giclee prints blew out in less time than it takes to write “redrum” in lipstick on the bathroom door (You got that, right?)

The trick to get in on these exclusive on-sales is to sign up for their newsletter. They give you fair warning of upcoming art going on sale. But you gotta be quick on the click — BNG’s art sales almost always sells out within hours of announcing. Just like Taco Tuesdays at the Tug Tavern — $1.00. (If you can actually get it down your throat, it’s a pretty sweet deal.)

Here are a few more stunningly stunning art pieces on Bottleneck’s website. Call in sick so as to not work and get on their website to see why their curated art is in such high demand. Like $1.00 tacos. And while you do that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as indigestible as a Tug Tavern taco… 

TALK TO ME / July 28, 2023 (Theaters)

“A group of friends discover how to conjure spirits using an embalmed hand. They become hooked on the new thrill, until one of them goes too far and unleashes terrifying supernatural forces.”

You don’t need an embalmed hand to conjure spirits — just order ‘em off the Internet. Free shipping if you order two or more.

RESIDENT EVIL: DEATH ISLAND / Release pending summer 2023 (VOD)

“D.S.O. Agent Leon S. Kennedy is on a mission to rescue Dr. Antonio Taylor from kidnappers, when a mysterious woman thwarts his pursuit. Meanwhile, B.S.A.A. Agent Chris Redfield is investigating a zombie outbreak in San Francisco, where the cause of the infection cannot be identified. The only thing the victims have in common is that they all visited Alcatraz Island recently. Following that clue, Chris and his team head to the island, where a new horror awaits them.”

Even though this is an animated movie, if it’s anything like the trailer, then digital or not, this thing brings on the zombie carnage. (Zombie carnage — sounds like a cool name for an all-you-can-eat buffet.)

THE RUSE / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“When an in-home caregiver assigned to an elderly patient mysteriously vanishes, Dale is quickly sent as a replacement nurse. Dale rushes to the remote seaside home, only to find herself in the middle of chaos. Forced to deal with an unruly patient, mysterious neighbors, and terrifying supernatural occurrences that seem to plague the home. Is the house haunted? Or is something even more malevolent to blame? As the walls close in, unsure who she can trust, Dale fears for her life and that of her patient. But can we trust Dale?”

They had me at unruly patient.

EXHIBIT #8 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Bosnian-born Aisha and cameraman Elias team up to shoot a documentary on the mysterious disappearance of Aisha’s brother, they cross paths with another film crew, who are creating an even more sinister narrative.”

This came out in June 1,2022 in the Netherlands, wherever that is. Then it showed up at a Portugal film festival in March of 2023. I couldn’t find a bus that went there, so I missed it. Now it’s going to be at YET ANOTHER film festival on April 14, 2023. In Brazil. I am so done with trying to find buses with decipherable connecting routes to get me there.

Ghostly Real Estate, Neck Bombs, Diabolical French Turtle

If you’re a fan of haunted houses, real estate and stand-up comedy, you can scratch all those itches by attending the one-man show/book signing of Grady Hendrix: How To Sell A Haunted House In A Challenging Market, which takes place April 26, 2023, 7PM at SPACE 538 in Portland, ME. (That’s walking distance to The Holy Donut — home of the handmade Maine potato donut.)

From event organizer Space538.org’s press release: “From Pliny the Younger to the Amityville Horror, we’ve been convinced there’s something undead living inside our homes rent-free for thousands of years. New York Times bestselling author Grady Hendrix, presents another of his one-of-a-kind, one-man shows, tap-dancing through the haunted hallways of houses from Downton Abbey-sized country homes to split-level suburban ranchers as we try to figure out why we’re so obsessed with the world’s worst roommates — ghosts. This is the seminar that will change your life…guaranteed. Live multimedia event followed by a book signing.”

Tickets (click here) are only $7.00, so while we plan on spending hundreds of dollars to get there to score that bargain, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as delicious as The Holy D’s top seller: a bacon and pancake breakfast in donut form…

HACKSAW / Out now (VOD)

“A young couple on a road trip takes a detour to the site where a notorious murderer, Ed “Hacksaw” Crowe, became an urban legend on the day he was killed many years before. But they quickly find the legend may not be quite as dead as they were counting on.”

Time spent coming up with this plot — seven seconds. The ONLY thing that can save this tediously generic flushable is having WWE’s™ “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan in the title role.

ABRUPTIO / March 1—12, 2023 (Cinejoy Theatre)

“Les Hackel hates his life. He works a dead-end job, was just dumped by his high-maintenance girlfriend, and still lives with his nagging mom. One night, he discovers a fresh incision behind his neck. His friend Danny tells him it’s a bomb, that someone has implanted one in his neck, too. And then the messages start coming in, forcing Les to carry out missions with deadly results. Les is partnered up with a series of oddball characters to commit heinous tasks. The violence escalating around him, Les pieces together the clues that reveal the horrific plans to breed a monstrous race of beings.”

Before you get too ramped up for this, know that this is life-sized puppet horror and is described as “Comedy, mystery, blood, A-List voices, action, and puppets combine in the first-of-its-kind surrealistic horror/thriller.” Yep, I just ruined your day. 

FOLLOWERS / March 24, 2023 (VOD)

What starts as hilariously bad YouTube™ videos develops into a warning to the world about a shocking new strain of supernatural serial killer. Jonty, a failing influencer with an ambition to reach over a million followers, will stop at nothing to become famous. A new start at university brings with it hopes of a resurgence in his popularity when a demonic presence appears in his student house. Jonty decides to stream his and his housemates’ experiences with this supernatural entity to gain the fame and fortune he’s most been craving. But at what cost?

If you’re a failing influencer stopping at nothing to become famous, just let the supernatural serial killer do its job. We totally heart you supernatural serial killer. 

SMOKING CAUSES COUGHING / March 31, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“After a devastating battle against a diabolical giant turtle, the Tobacco Force is sent on a mandatory week-long retreat to strengthen their decaying group cohesion. Their sojourn goes wonderfully well until Lézardin, Emperor of Evil, decides to annihilate planet Earth.”

A weirdo movie made in France. Other weirdo French stuff — Brioche (expensive bread), Éclairs (expensive donut) and Mousse au chocolat (expensive chocolate pudding made with essence of rodeo moose).

SoCal Vampires, Extra-Large Spiders, Trick or Treating Monsters

The Lost Boys remains a horror cult classic horror 36 years after its release in 1987. (Thank you, always dependable pocket calculator.) The plot: “After moving to Santa Carla (aka, Santa Cruz), a new town, two brothers discover that the area is a haven for vampires.” They forgot a few things. The Lost Boys featured heavy metal punk rock vampires, splatter that matters, unlicensed motorcycles, a boardwalk carnival with rotten candy, and a rock and/or roll soundtrack, which featured INXS, Roger Daltry and Echo And The Bunnymen. (What, no Bobby “Boris” Pickett redoing his 1962 hit song “Monster Mash” with freshened beats?)

Now you can visit The Lost Boys filming location in Santa Cruz, CA on September 8, 2023. From event organizer On Set Cinema’s press release: “Who’s ready to sleep all day, party all night, never grow old and never die? On-Set Cinema will be hosting very special blood-sucking screening of one of the most beloved horror cult classics of all time inside Cocoanut Grove, which is located on the infamous Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk where a ton of the movie takes place.”

And there’s more: “On-Set Cinema will take you on a filming locations walking tour to show fans where everything was filmed on the boardwalk, including the National Historic Looff Carousel where we’re first introduced to The Lost Boys; Max’s Video Store, where Michael and Star hangout; where the boys ride their motorcycles on the beach; the iconic Giant Dipper roller coaster, and more!” Tickets for this event cost $25.00 (for the movie’s screening and an event t-shirt) and $60.00, which includes all that walking tour stuff detailed above. Get tickets here.

While we go to vampfangs.com to get some stylin’ party teeth for this shindig, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better by Bobby “Boris” Pickett singing in ‘em…

STING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“One cold, stormy night in New York City, a mysterious object falls from the sky and smashes through the window of a rundown apartment building. It is an egg — and from it emerges a strange little spider. The creature is discovered by Charlotte, a rebellious 12-year-old girl obsessed with comic books. Keeping it as a secret pet, she names it Sting. As Charlotte’s fascination with Sting increases, so does its size. Growing at a monstrous rate, Sting’s appetite for blood becomes insatiable. Neighbors’ pets start to go missing, and then the neighbors themselves. Soon Charlotte’s family and the eccentric characters of the building realize that they are all trapped, hunted by a ravenous supersized arachnid with a taste for human flesh…and Charlotte is the only one who knows how to stop it.”

“Sting” is what you would name a bee or a pretentious British teabag rock star, not an arachnid. For a spider, how about, “Legs A. Plentee” or “Joe Bite’n”? It’s like horror move directors don’t even try anymore.

PERPETRATOR / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Jonny Baptiste is a reckless teen sent to live with her estranged Aunt Hildie. On her 18th birthday, she experiences a radical metamorphosis: a family spell called Forevering redefines her. When several teen girls go missing at her new school, a mythically feral Jonny goes after the Perpetrator.”

The term “Happy Hour” — with roots originating in the 13th Century — has been a Multiverseral tavern/cocktail lounge/7-Eleven™ parking lot reference every since. Time for an upgrade. I vote “Happy Hour” be changed to “The Forevering.” Has way more zing.

THE BARN PART II / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three years have passed since Michelle escaped the events in Wheary Falls. However, she is still haunted by what happened that night on Halloween. Now in college, Michelle is in charge of the Gamma Tau Psi haunted house. Unfortunately, some uninvited trick-or-treating from her past is knocking on the door — and this time they’ve brought their friends.”

Monsters dressed as monsters on Halloween. Is that even legal?

MALUM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A rookie police officer willingly takes the final shift at a newly decommissioned police station. She hopes to uncover the mysterious connection between her father’s death and a vicious cult, but throughout the night she’s thwarted by terrifying supernatural events that connect to her family’s twisted past.”

A note-for-note remake of 2014’s Last Shift, but with more notes added.

Colorized UFOs, Dreaded Library, Supernatural Girl Power

While doing more intense research (drinking heavily) into the mushrooming applications of AI in art, literature and music, a thought occurred — could AI colorize black and white photos from the early days of UFOs? Short answer = yep. And since artificial intelligence is smarter than me, I ran a few classic UFO photos through the AI Matrix and it spit out these examples.

The UFO image at the top of this blog-o-sphere is from McMinnville, Oregon taken by farming couple Paul and Evelyn Trent in 1950. And since everything in the ’50s was black and white (color wasn’t invented until the psychedelic ‘60s — just ask a day-glo hippie), AI did a decent job of interpreting what it would’ve looked like.

While I dig through more of the colorless UFO archives to test artificial’s intelligence, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not appeal to day-glo hippies…

LEGEND OF GATOTKACA / February 17, 2023 (Hi-Ya!™), March 21, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“After witnessing the shocking murder of his best friend by a masked assassin with terrifying superpowers, Yuda stumbles upon a secret prophecy long concealed by powerful people. After unlocking dormant abilities of his own, Yuda discovers that he — an ordinary college kid with no belief in the old legends — may very well be the key to winning the upcoming battle against an ancient evil.”

I went to Google Translate™ and typed in “Gatotkaca”, this Indonesian movie’s title. It translated it to “Gatotkaca.” Now it makes way more sense.

CRAM / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“We all do what we gotta do to pass — except Marc. Desperate to finish his final paper, he struggles to cram all night in the library. After dozing off, Marc awakens to discover that his paper has vanished. Looking for answers and a way out of this nightmare, Marc is drawn deeper into the mysterious and enchanting stacks. Alone in the library (or so he thinks), Marc is easily frightened and considers giving up. But the library has other plans for him.”

Libraries are for people who don’t have TVs.

DEAD HOT: SEASON OF THE WITCH / April 14, 2023 (Tubi™)

“The documentary film is described as The Craft meets The Simple Life, an intimate journey into the supernatural realm as well as a “coming-of-age story that explores identity, feminine power and sisterhood.”

I’m not sure this film is meant for guys. In fact, I’d bet my tampons on it.

PARALYSIS / release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After family trauma, Haley Stone has isolated herself from everyone except her brother Nicky. But with her complicated grief and emotional well-being deteriorating, Haley experiences hallucinations, vivid nightmares and debilitating episodes of sleep paralysis. These episodes become ever more pressing when Haley notices bruises on her body. She suspects the entity that visits her in the night is not just a figment of her imagination. With the assistance of a paranormal investigator, Haley must access the truth buried between realities and free herself from this living nightmare.”

Hallucinations, vivid nightmares, debilitating episodes of sleep paralysis, bruises. This is everything you experience waiting for the Tug Tavern to open.

Automated Nightmares, Werewolf Flowerbed, AM/FM Evil

In the exploding world of AI (artificial intelligence) art — where you type in key words/descriptive phrases and a sentient computer does the design for you — there’s only one question: can you call yourself an artist? This would be akin to rave DJs calling themselves musicians. (I stand on the “No — you’re not” side of that debate.)

No doubt the flood of AI art — accomplished by MidJourney.com — generates mind-altering and spectacular images; You don’t need a paintbrush to become a robotic Rembrandt — just type in a few words, click a button, and put your rage into the machine. And the horror/sci-fi/fantasy crowd doing this is hitting the gas. Take for example AI artist Paul Parsons (aka, jed.ai.master), who has taken his unique visions and pushes the boundaries of what this new technology can do. And he did it without crayons, water colors, pencils or chalk, the preferred medium of today.

While you click on over to MidJourney.com and start creating your own line of virtual virtuosity, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi TV series/movies that may or may not be made by a computer. An iPhone™ maybe…

SCARE BNB: THE HOSTS / February 28, 2023 (DIVABoxOffice.tv)

“The first original, LGBTQ+ series: two couples — long-time friends since high school — are in high spirits when they arrive at a remote, rental cabin in the Tennessee woods for a much-needed vacation. But, upon their arrival, they find the overly attentive owners may want to host them to death.”

A remote cabin in the Tennessee woods? Um, that’s exactly where The Evil Dead was filmed in 1981. I’ll bet my possessed soul that it’s the same cabin, too. Wonder if those evil neighbors still live nearby? They seemed nice.

WOLF GARDEN / February 28, 2023 (VOD)

“A man who has gone into isolated hiding is haunted by visions.”

If you wanna keep wolves out of your garden, fertilize it with Nair™ and… Okay, I took the shot and missed the rim. It’s been a rough week. Maybe I should get in a little isolated hiding.

SOUND OF SILENCE / March 9, 2023 (VOD)

“When her father is gravely injured, Emma returns to her family home in Italy. Alone in the house while her father recovers, she encounters a haunted radio — and the evil entity behind it. With the supernatural force growing stronger by the hour, Emma must reveal the dark secret behind the radio’s curse to survive the night.”

I think it’d be really cool to listen to a haunted radio. Just as long as the supernatural DJ doesn’t play rap music. Smooth jazz, yes. Hip hop, hell to tha no.

THE KNOCKING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three adult siblings return to their childhood home where their parents were allegedly murdered many years ago. The plan is to get the house and estate ready to be sold but it turns out there’s something evil that tries to prevent them from doing so.”

If they find a buyer who doesn’t mind murder stains (anything can be covered up with paint), they’ll make a…killing…on the sale. I have no idea why I find that to be funny.

Enchanting Garb, Fruit Cult, Alien Parents

A fairy/faerie in literature, art, European folklore culture and slasher grindhouse horror movies is defined as being a type of mythical being or legendary creature and a form of spirit, often described as being metaphysical, supernatural, or preternatural — with or without a butcher knife and/or chainsaw.

Not surprisingly, many women want to be fairies, a fantasy that started with Disney’s™ Tinker Bell and the Nutcracker’s Sugar Plumb Fairy (who sounds like a drug dealer). This fantasia annually fuels the sale of countless fairy costumes every Halloween. But while most of us are content to augment our wardrobe from Spirit Halloween™, one should look to Pinterest™ for fairy fashion options. 

These exotic and otherworldly gowns (or “dresses”) — suitable for cosplay or fantasy horror movies — can fetch thousands for an ensemble that probably shouldn’t be cleaned in a coin-fed washing machine. Also, you’d have to sell a lot of teeth to the Tooth Fairy to afford one.

So while we drink absinthe (fun fact: “The Green Fairy” is the nickname for absinthe) and fantasize about wearing one of these dresses to a bachelorette party and/or doing some light grocery shopping, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not tinker your bell…

WAKING KARMA / January 26, 2023 (VOD)

“Karma and her mother have spent their lives evading Paul, her cult leader father. With Paul closing in as Karma reaches adulthood, she and her mother flee to a friend’s remote compound. Paul tracks them there and traps them within its walls, putting Karma through a series of escalating tests designed to break her spirit and awaken an unholy inheritance that lives within her.”

So if she misbehaves, do we call her…“Bad Karma”? Heh.

SEEDS / January 31, 2023 (VOD)

Grieving mother Macha must track down her husband Andrew, a university professor who has been invited to a remote area of New England to take part in mysterious cult’s ritual in order to receive an inheritance from his uncle. The cult that worships the mystical and ancient power of the apple has also been infiltrated by the Catholic Church under the command of the very ambitious Cardinal Sinibaldi.”

An apple a day keeps organized religion away.

ONYX THE FORTUITOUS AND THE TALISMAN OF SOULS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amateur occultist Marcus J. Trillbury — aka Onyx the Fortuitous — is struggling. He’s misunderstood at home and work, but his dreams for a new life seem to be answered when he lands a coveted invitation to the mansion of his idol Bartok the Great for a ritual to raise the spirit of an ancient demon. He excitedly joins Bartok and his fellow eclectic group of devotees as they prepare for the ceremony, but pretty quickly it becomes apparent everything is not as it seems. As Onyx and his new friends fight to keep their souls, he must decide what he’s willing to truly sacrifice in order to meet his destiny.”

Marcus should worry more about getting beat up for having a dumb name than conjuring ancient demons.

ALIENS ABDUCTED MY PARENTS AND NOW I FEEL KINDA LEFT OUT / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“Itsy is new in town and her life seems over until she meets her space-obsessed neighbor Calvin, who believes his parents were abducted by aliens. An aspiring journalist, Itsy decides to write an exposé on Calvin but ends up discovering much more.”

Hey kid — your folks weren’t abducted. They abandoned you. Bet you’re feeling really left out now.

Devil Barf, Ghost Coffins, Head Removal

How could 1973’s The Exorcist not be what the guy at the grocery store says is the scariest horror movie ever made when it has everything: religion gone wild, spin class barfing, multisyllabic naughty words, skull rotation, crucifix polishing, Latin beerspeak, demon boners… You’d have to go to church — or the Tug Tavern — to get that kind of party. Or do you? Now you can own an exquisitely detailed 1/10th scale model of the devil-possessed 12-year-old Regan MacNeil in her iconic bed pose right before she did a soul swap with backup priest Father Karras, making him jump out a five-story window onto the unrepentant cement stairs below…and Jesus not catching him.

From Iron Studios™ and BigBadToys.com: “Confined and restrained in her room on a bed with a padded headboard and foot-board to protect its occupant, a demonic evil entity possesses the body of a preteen girl, making her body physically distorted and covered in wounds. All the diabolic spirit that lives in her body wishes for is to cause the death of its innocent host. Considered by many as the most terrifying movies of all time, Iron Studios present their Possessed Regan MacNeil statue of the bedeviled protagonist from The Exorcist, one of the greatest horror films ever.”

While this limited edition statue doesn’t come accessorized with action puke (you can load up at the Tug Tavern), the model is hand-painted and made of bible-resistant polystone. And it will possess your wallet for $219.99 (estimated arrival 3rd quarter 2023). A suggestion would be to raid the nearest collection plate.

While you’re in confession (10 Hail Bloody Marys usually gets me off the hook —and puts me on other ones), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you shout at the Devil — or your shoes… 

OPEN THE COFFIN / Out now (YouTube™)

“A detective investigates supernatural mystery murders that seem to be the result of a curse.”

Where would supernatural murder mysteries be without curses? That’s like having a used car sale without balloons.

IVANNA / Out now (YouTube™)

“A beautiful young woman, who has limited vision, and her family and friends are terrorized when they celebrate Lebaran at an old house in the Bandung area. She has visions of the previous owner, a Dutch woman named Ivanna who was murdered during the Japanese invasion of Indonesia in 1943. Now, Ivanna’s spirit has returned to the house seeking revenge.”

The ghost of Ivanna decapitates her victims. This no doubt is what’s causing the drastic decline of comb sales in Bandung.

KUNTILANAK 3 / Out now (YouTube™)

“Dinda, who is considered strange by the village children because of her strength, accidentally injures Panji and Ambar. Regretting her actions, Dinda asks Aunt Dona to register her at the Mata Hati School, so that she can learn to control her power.”

Just think of what you can do with super strength — open stuck peanut butter jar lids. Give me a minute and I’ll think of another one.

AMBER ROAD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amber Road is a hidden place in the digital universe where anything can be bought, sold and traded. It is a place where a person can fulfill their darkest desire or unleash their deepest depravity. And once you travel down that path, there comes a point where you can never return. A husband and wife awaken to find themselves trapped in a basement dungeon apparently at the hands of a serial killer driven by the demands and requests of sick and demented individuals finding a community on the dark web.”

Is it just me, or does this darkest desire digital universe sound like Amazon.com?

Melodic Monsters, Demon Dentures, Inflatable Mummy

Godzilla is into classic rock. King Ghidorah prefers industrial metal. And that f’n lunatic Rodan is punk rock all day long. But Mothra, the Queen of Monsters, is all about classical music, which suits her “maestoso” destructive nature. And now you can air conduct an orchestra along to Mondo’s™ original motion picture score (or “soundtrack”) releases of Rebirth of Mothra 2 (1997) and Rebirth of Mothra 3 (1998). Destroying Japan never sounded so dolce.

Composed by Toshiyuki Watanabe and available any day now (click here) on the Death Waltz Recording Co. label, both come with the options of Mosur Wings vinyl or Eco vinyl (Mothra is known for being eco-friendly, but not to ecosystems), are 140 gram vinyl housed inside a silver laminate reflective gatefold jacket, numbered edition of 2000, and sell for $35 each pre-tax/shipping. 

While you’re getting ready for these symphonies of destruction, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not meet your eco-concerns…

HELL ON THE SHELF / Out now (YouTube™)

“An antique Christmas elf doll holds the key to decades of pent-up evil and anger from beyond the grave. Three paranormal investigators are hired by a desperate real estate agent to cleanse a house or find the reason why no tenant stays very long in the ominous structure. Over the course of three nights, the team discovers more about the supernatural happenings than they care to uncover.”

I’ve actually hired paranormal investigators to cleanse my house. They do a great job of ridding the bathroom of evil odors. 

TOOTH FAIRY 5: PREMOLARS (aka, DRILL TO KILL) / Out now (YouTube™)

“Sammy, a surviving teacher, rejoins her colleagues back at work. After hearing some odd noises around the classrooms Sammy feels she is being watched. When she hears the familiar knocking at the door she realizes her nightmare is not over.”

YET ANOTHER example of a movie title being better than the movie.

THE MUMMY RESURRECTION / December 26, 2022 (VOD)

“When a cursed Egyptian sarcophagus falls into corrupt hands, the new owner becomes obsessed with the perfectly preserved mummified princess contained within and concocts a scheme to bring her back to life. But to do so requires human blood. Joining up with his medical student cousin, the duo undertake horrific experiments that inadvertently unleash pure evil.”

All that effort over a preserved princess when you could just mail-order one. They’re advertised as “adult-sized, life-like love dolls,” though.

THE MACABRE / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“Shy girl Molly is having a party. She’s inviting her school bullies and has planned one hell of a night. After a party trick goes horribly wrong, each guest is forced into a macabre game of life and death by an ancient demon who forces them to tell horrifying stories.”

This being one of ‘em.