Puzzling Horror, Egg Aliens, Camera-Ready Zombies

The most puzzling thing about horror movies is how some of them got made. Then again, without punchbowl turds as Frankenstein Island (1981), Bride of Boogedy (1987), or the painfully watchable Urotsukidôji I: Legend of the Overfiend (1989), our lives would not be as fulfilled as promised by alcohol. But what if horror movies were turned into literal puzzles? Gird your bladder — you can now get horror movie puzzles that combines b-grade with brilliance, all for $25.99 (or less).

Created by Rachid Lotf, you can get a 28”x20” 1,000-piece House of Horrors puzzle, a spectacular and colorful collage of featuring Halloween, Jaws, The Thing, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and lots more. Or there’s the Horror Night Watch Party, also 1,000 pieces, featuring Pinhead, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Chucky, Michael Myers and Leatherface, all watching horror movies on a TV as if having some sort of social gathering. And Rachid’s Horror VHS Cemetery puzzle is like a trip down a Blockbuster Video™ memory lane. P.S. there’s even a Blockbuster™ era video puzzle.

While you can buy all of ’em (and more) by clicking this, here are few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem like a puzzle missing a few pieces…

ALIEN INVASION / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A group of friends find a large strange egg that hatches. Unfortunately, the egg contains an intergalactic predator. Now they must stop it from reaching civilization.”

Eggs are a super food, so not seeing the problem here.

TIN & TINA / Out now (Netflix™)

“After a tragic abortion, Lola and her husband Adolfo adopt Tin and Tina, a seemingly angelic brother and sister with an ultra-Catholic education that makes them interpret the Holy Bible verbatim.”

Reading the Bible verbatim should scare the Holy crap outta everyone.

THE DEVIL’S STOMPING GROUND / JUNE 27, 2023 (VOD)

“On May 1, 2021, fifteen college film students traveled to the place in the Uwharrie Mountains of North Carolina, known as The Devil’s Tramping Ground, to shoot their senior short film project. What happened that night was a tragedy. The Devil’s Stomping Ground is a narrative feature, edited together from the footage the seniors were shooting for their movie and the behind-the-scenes documentary footage two juniors were shooting of their efforts. The film chronicles the day and subsequent night of their shoot. It is a cautionary tale about temptation, pushing your luck, and the inevitable consequences of being oblivious to your surroundings. Will they be ‘forever changed’ as the legend suggests?”

The tragedy is they turned this into a movie.

FINAL CUT / July 14, 2023 (VOD)

“Set against the backdrop of a B-movie shoot that is descending into disaster, the director who seems to be the only one invested with the necessary energy to keep the low-budget zombie film afloat. As he tries to gee up jaded technicians and uninterested actors, shooting is disturbed by the arrival of authentic undead.”

This is the French remake of Japanese zombie comedy, One Cut of the Dead. I have no idea why I know that.

Spider Burger, Heavy Metal Vampires, Rabbit Revenge

Burger King™, MacDonald’s™ golden arch nemesis, is upping the fast food game with the premier of the Spider-Verse™ Whopper, complete with a red bun and whatever they can stuff in-between ’em. And it’s upgradeable with a Spider-Verse™ Sundae, which is ice cream topped with black and red chocolate candies. That’s cool, I suppose, but they missed the marketing hoop by not offering web-like cotton candy. 

The Spider-Verse™ Whopper is available for digestion purposes from May 15 to June 21, 2023, which is ahead of the premiere of Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse. But there’s more from BK’s™ press release: “Spider-Verse will also taking over select restaurants in New York City, France, United Arab Emirates, Brazil and other locations. The locations will have interactive designs that place guests and fans inside the action-packed Spider-Verse.” They had me at other locations.

So while we scope out a BK™ eatery to park our peter (heh), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be topped with black and red chocolate candies to make up for bland plot flavors…

SAINT DROGO / Out now (VOD)

A gay couple, whose relationship has grown a bit strained, take an impromptu trip to Provincetown, Cape Cod in the off-season. Caleb, one half of the couple, has been plagued by nightmares of his ex, who had been working in Provincetown for the summer. When they arrive to town, it appears Caleb’s ex has gone missing. As disturbing hallucinations continue to haunt Caleb, he becomes more determined in finding him. But the closer he gets, the sooner he nears the sinister secret the town is hiding.”

The sinister secret the town is hiding is that the Wellfleet oysters at Mac’s Fish House Provincetown are served without silverware. This means if you get raw oyster juice on your fingers and then rub your eye, your eye will swell up to the size of a hard boiled egg. Just pray it doesn’t explode and get pupil particles over your Old Navy™ Classic Fit Linen-Blend Polo shirt.

DEATH RIDER IN THE HOUSE OF VAMPIRES / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“The mysterious Death Rider – clad all in black – travels through the desert on horseback. His destination — Vampire Sanctuary. The entrance fee — one female virgin. Once inside he encounters Count Holliday, Vampire Lord of Sanctuary, who warns him against any transgressions. Blood and guns action follow as Death Rider tangles with some of the vampires of Sanctuary like the smoldering Carmilla Joe with her sidekick Mina Belle and vampire gunslingers Drac Cassidy, Bad Bathory, Kid Vlad and Duke VonWayne.”

This one, by Danzig/Samhain/Misfits horror frontman, Glenn Danzig, was release to select theaters (i.e., the neighbor’s living room) in 2021. Now it’s showing its teeth at the Cannes Film Festival. Speaking of teeth, no word on whether or not the 68-year-old rock “star”/senior citizen will be wearing dentures to the premier.

MAYA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A teenage girl can’t remember her childhood. With the help of her adopted sister, Kalika, Maya seeks to recover her lost memories, unaware of the horrors that this journey will bring. Both leads do an admirable job of portraying the fear around losing — or watching someone — lose their grip on reality.”

This one’s being described as A Tale of Two Sisters and The Changeling. Guess which one of those I watched?

THUMPER’S REVENGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Screams echo in the meadow and blood will spill when hunters take aim at Bambi from the hill. They can run and they can plead, but Thumper is about to make them bleed.”

That bottom of the barrel I keep talking about? Apparently there isn’t one.

International Horrors, Buzzkill Bees, Plug-in Kids

The success of a horror/sci-fi movie often depends heavily on eye-snagging poster art to economically market their cinematic bowel movements. Movie poster art is a culture unto its own, with numerous websites devoted to curating every movie poster ever designed. (Check out IMPAwards.com — it’s a treasure trove of both US and International hi-res movie posters.)

The illustrations on International horror and sci-fi movie posters, though, are crazy cool and often out-markets their US counterparts. You couldn’t tell, but the poster at the top is Pumpkinhead (1988) from Turkey. More examples — The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) – France, Alien (1979) – Poland, The Return of the Living Dead (1985) – Thailand, Jaws 2 (1978) – Poland — are great examples of art unrestrained from studio interference. (The movie ad sheet for 1969’s chiller Frosty the Snowman designed in Antarctica could have been so much more bloody had the studio not stepped in and ice-blocked it.)

Two of the crazier movie posters are Cujo (1983) from Ghana and The Omen (1976) from the Czech Republic. The Cujo poster looks like a pet greeting card while The Omen poster displays the movie’s evilness in devilishly hand-illustrated glory. So while we download these posters and frame ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be a cinematic bowel movement… 

SILO / May 5, 2023 (AppleTV+™)

The series tells of the last 10,000 people on Earth, their mile-deep home protecting them from the toxic and deadly world outside. However, no one knows when or why the silo was built, and any who try to find out face fatal consequences. An engineer seeks answers about a loved one’s murder and tumbles onto a mystery that goes far deeper than she could have ever imagined, leading her to discover that if the lies don’t kill you, the truth will.”

It’s not a silo — it’s a discarded kaiju milkshake straw Godzilla threw away after gorging at Fleeing Citizens Burgers Drive-In. (FYI: Their chili cheese fries are to die for.)

MARRY F*** KILL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Five estranged college friends reunite to attend their friend’s funeral after a shocking suicide. Scarred by a past betrayal that led to the ultimate demise of their friendship, an innocent game of Marry F**k Kill spawns into something far more sinister than they could have imagined.”

So this Marry F**k Kill game — I looked everywhere on Amazon.com™ and couldn’t find it. Maybe they have it at Hustler Superstore™.

BLOODTHIRSTY BEES (aka THE HIVE) / Release pending 2023 (VOD)
“The biological experiment of the Japanese army failed. A group of infected bloodthirsty bees attacked the experimenters and fled into the mountain forest. When Taoyuan Village in the middle of the mountain forest held a bonfire event, the mutant bees attacked the village, causing heavy casualties.”

It’d be really funny if Bloodthirsty Bees starred Sting.

ELECTRIC CHILD / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A computer scientist has a newborn son who suffers from a rare neurological disorder. The father then makes a deal with the artificial intelligence he is developing. If he manages to cure his son, he grants the life form in his supercomputer its freedom. This sets off a chain reaction that also has consequences for the outside world.”

Supercomputer gone wild movies have been around for awhile, prime examples being HAL (Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer) in 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) and Colossus in The Forbin Project (1970). And I’ll never forget that time my 1982 Commodore 64 supercomputer outsmarted me at Pong…and then digitally LOL’d right on the 640×400 resolution screen. Supercomputers are so rude.

Ghostly Real Estate, Neck Bombs, Diabolical French Turtle

If you’re a fan of haunted houses, real estate and stand-up comedy, you can scratch all those itches by attending the one-man show/book signing of Grady Hendrix: How To Sell A Haunted House In A Challenging Market, which takes place April 26, 2023, 7PM at SPACE 538 in Portland, ME. (That’s walking distance to The Holy Donut — home of the handmade Maine potato donut.)

From event organizer Space538.org’s press release: “From Pliny the Younger to the Amityville Horror, we’ve been convinced there’s something undead living inside our homes rent-free for thousands of years. New York Times bestselling author Grady Hendrix, presents another of his one-of-a-kind, one-man shows, tap-dancing through the haunted hallways of houses from Downton Abbey-sized country homes to split-level suburban ranchers as we try to figure out why we’re so obsessed with the world’s worst roommates — ghosts. This is the seminar that will change your life…guaranteed. Live multimedia event followed by a book signing.”

Tickets (click here) are only $7.00, so while we plan on spending hundreds of dollars to get there to score that bargain, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as delicious as The Holy D’s top seller: a bacon and pancake breakfast in donut form…

HACKSAW / Out now (VOD)

“A young couple on a road trip takes a detour to the site where a notorious murderer, Ed “Hacksaw” Crowe, became an urban legend on the day he was killed many years before. But they quickly find the legend may not be quite as dead as they were counting on.”

Time spent coming up with this plot — seven seconds. The ONLY thing that can save this tediously generic flushable is having WWE’s™ “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan in the title role.

ABRUPTIO / March 1—12, 2023 (Cinejoy Theatre)

“Les Hackel hates his life. He works a dead-end job, was just dumped by his high-maintenance girlfriend, and still lives with his nagging mom. One night, he discovers a fresh incision behind his neck. His friend Danny tells him it’s a bomb, that someone has implanted one in his neck, too. And then the messages start coming in, forcing Les to carry out missions with deadly results. Les is partnered up with a series of oddball characters to commit heinous tasks. The violence escalating around him, Les pieces together the clues that reveal the horrific plans to breed a monstrous race of beings.”

Before you get too ramped up for this, know that this is life-sized puppet horror and is described as “Comedy, mystery, blood, A-List voices, action, and puppets combine in the first-of-its-kind surrealistic horror/thriller.” Yep, I just ruined your day. 

FOLLOWERS / March 24, 2023 (VOD)

What starts as hilariously bad YouTube™ videos develops into a warning to the world about a shocking new strain of supernatural serial killer. Jonty, a failing influencer with an ambition to reach over a million followers, will stop at nothing to become famous. A new start at university brings with it hopes of a resurgence in his popularity when a demonic presence appears in his student house. Jonty decides to stream his and his housemates’ experiences with this supernatural entity to gain the fame and fortune he’s most been craving. But at what cost?

If you’re a failing influencer stopping at nothing to become famous, just let the supernatural serial killer do its job. We totally heart you supernatural serial killer. 

SMOKING CAUSES COUGHING / March 31, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“After a devastating battle against a diabolical giant turtle, the Tobacco Force is sent on a mandatory week-long retreat to strengthen their decaying group cohesion. Their sojourn goes wonderfully well until Lézardin, Emperor of Evil, decides to annihilate planet Earth.”

A weirdo movie made in France. Other weirdo French stuff — Brioche (expensive bread), Éclairs (expensive donut) and Mousse au chocolat (expensive chocolate pudding made with essence of rodeo moose).

Godzilla Sells Out, Kissable Demon Hunter, Earth vs. Hell

You snooze, you lose. That’s the sum yield of one’s non-diligence when shopping on the MondoShop.com website, containing one-of-a-kind original horror/sci-fi/movie art designed by some of the best illustrators in every zip code. No sooner than Mondo posts the art, they’ve sold out within minutes. If you’re an impulse-buyer, timing is everything.

Poster art of Godzilla, Wolf-Man, Bride of Frankenstein, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Alien, Dracula, Phantom of the Opera, Mummy, RoboCop, Dirty Harry (when you think about it, RoboCop and Dirty Harry are kinda the same thing)… The list goes on and on and shopping for ‘em MondoShop.com is a frustrating experience because all the art is immediately sold out. You’ll need to drink an adult beverage to placate your inner shopper.

But there’s a solution — sign up for their free newsletter, which tells you exactly what the upcoming art is and when it goes on sale. All are surprisingly affordable for being limited edition ($50 — $400). And know that Mondo sells more than posters — there’s limited edition curated horror movie soundtrack colored vinyl albums, toys, puzzles, CDs, board games, books, tiki mugs and more. But unless you visit their website EVERY DAY, you can’t get in on this action unless you sign up for a heads up. Do that here.

While you’re drowning your sorrow in refreshing adult beverages for missing out on the She-Ra 1/6 Scale Figure, here are a few out now/up and coming horror/sci-fi/fantasy movies that may or may not sell or sell out… 

THE DEMON HUNTER’S ROMANCE / Out now (iQIYI)

“In the prosperous city of Guangping, humans and demons coexist. Demons are skilled at disguising themselves as humans. Ban Xia the daughter of a wealthy family, has a pair of strange eyes and can often see the shadows of those who are not there. Ban Xia reveals her cousin’s sister-in-law is a demon, which led her to be hunted down by demon-hunter, Xuan Ye. The gentle kiss he gives to Ban Xia made her thoroughly see the world where humans and demons coexist.”

Nobody likes a snitch.

LOCKDOWN TOWER / February 8, 2023 (France), 2023/2024 (US)

“The inhabitants of a tower block wake up one morning to find a black veil shrouding all the windows and doors of the building — a veil which devours anything and anyone who tries to go through it. Stuck inside together families organize themselves, but time passes and nothing changes. They gradually return to their most primitive instincts and now respond to a single watchword: survival.”

Did they film a movie about my apartment building without me knowing it?

THEY WAIT IN THE DARK / February 10, 2023 (VOD)

“Amy, a young woman is on the run with her young son Adrian from her abusive ex-girlfriend. When the past rises up to haunt them, they must confront the forces threatening them from both outside and in.”

Another bland movie with a bland plot and bland description. None of what they’re describing compels one to invest valuable couch time to watch it. They can keep waiting in the dark.

THORNS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An ex-priest working for NASA is sent to investigate a remote observatory that went silent after receiving a radio signal from deep space. Upon arrival, he discovers the signal has set in motion the biblical end of times. The former priest must now summon his lost faith to stop the signal from spreading hell on Earth.”

Jesus on his ham radio again, punking the godless Universe.

Marvel-ous Apes, Blasphemous Kids, Murder Clowns

Planet of the Apes comic books have been around since the science fiction-y “gorilla-my-dreams” rom-com premiered back in 1968, the best of the batch coming from Marvel Comics Group™. Travel through the Hasslein Time Curve to this moment in time: Marvel™ announced they’ve reacquired the comics license to Planet of the Apes and will release the new comics in 2023. And these won’t be rehashes, but all new stories. If that doesn’t put a thrill in your banana hammock, then quite honetly, all is lost.

From Marvel™: “We’re thrilled to welcome Planet of the Apes back to the House of Ideas!” says Editor-in-Chief C.B. Cebulski. “The new saga in the pipeline is going explore the limits of what this beloved franchise has to offer through bold comics storytelling, and we look forward to setting foot on this new adventure!”

While you can’t wait to get your stinking paws on the first issue, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not have humans that can talk in ’em… 

SAVING GRACE / Out now (VOD)

“When Sarah becomes a remote carer to escape her violent city past, she discovers your demons can follow, turning tranquility into a terrifying nightmare.”

Yeah, that’s who I’d want to be my caregiver — someone with a violent past. On second thought…

DON’T DELIVER US FROM EVIL / January 10, 2023 (DVD)

“Two young convent girls become friends and decide to spend the summer together. However, their innocent bicycle rides and walks in the country soon develop a much more sinister side. Influenced by their reading of forbidden books, they decide to explore the world of perversion and cruelty. They find a victim and use their innocent appearance to seduce and destroy him. Once they have stepped over the line, they find it impossible to stop. And soon they are contemplating the ultimate evil act.”

This French horror “la flick” came out in 1971 and was hugely controversial and banned for blasphemy. Sounds like my junior high school rap sheet. Consequently, Don’t Deliver Us From Evil was never released in the States, where that kind of behavior is not only commonplace, but encouraged. To that end, you can now get it fully restored with extras wherever blasphemous DVDs are sold.

THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE CHILDREN / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Margaret and Ben take a weekend trip with two longtime friends and their two young children. Ben soon suspects something sinister is afoot when the kids start behaving strangely after disappearing into the woods overnight.”

Kids ALWAYS behave strangely. That’s what they do. They just went in the woods to practice.

HOUSE OF CLOWNS / Out now (VOD)

“A traveling haunted house attraction becomes a nightmarish prison of murder for contestants who agree to participate in a contest to be locked inside overnight.”

What do I get if I win? Hope it’s unlimited free admission to come back as many times as I want.

The Artistry of Horror, Dracula’s Cousin, Ghost Sex

People imbued with the power of being able to read, and specifically this blog, know I’m a huge fan of horror movie poster art and the infinity more talented than me artists who design them. While many horror movie ad sheets are created in Photoshop (I learned PS in order to put my head on Chippendale™ dancer’s bodies), the best ones are hand-illustrated and often better than the movies themselves.

Here’s a select batch of some truly dazzling and ingenious takes on horror/sci-fi movies and links (click the artist names) to view some amazing portfolios. The Nope poster above was illustrated by Gilbert Posters (no relation, but that doesn’t stop me from implying credit during Happy Hour gatherings). The art for Smile was done by the insanely talented Nuno Sarnadas (who also did the posters for Prey and Aliens below).

Keith Goulette designed the wicked Black Phone art and you can find him swimming happily among a sea of other talented designers one redbubble.com. (Click his name to explore a whole new world of visual horror). Jack Gregory did the jaw-dropping Evil Dead art, as well as the freakishly beautiful art for Dawn of the Dead and Halloween Ends (click to see his portfolio). The It poster, which should’ve been used by the movie studio, was designed by Jorge Teles, who also did numerous takes on Batman.

While we’re not worthy and should throw away our design tools (for me it’s crayons, felt pen laundry markers, Etch A Sketch™), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not need new cover art done with laundry markers…

THE CURSE OF DRACULA / Out now (VOD/DVD)

“Two small-time crooks scam tourists by organizing a guided tour of a creepy manor house rumored to be haunted by the cousin of Count Dracula. Their first group consist of a Swedish Satanist, two French Goths and a Russian porn director. But the tour descends into bloody chaos when they are confronted by a mysterious phantom wielding a circular saw.”

Dracula has a cousin? The Swedish are Satanists? The French are Goths? Russians are into porn? What kind of world did I just wake up in? Guess I’ll have to start hanging out with normal people, like that ghost guy with the gasoline-powered power tool. He seems cool.

AMITYVILLE THANKSGIVING / Out now (VOD)

“Jackie and Danny’s marriage has taken a turn for the worst. They turn to what they believe to be their only option, Amityville Couples Counselor Frank Domonico, a doctor with a hidden, sinister past, who recommends an isolated cabin retreat. Little do they know that the doctor plans to end their sessions, as well as their lives, with a devilish Thanksgiving dinner — and them as the main course!

So they’re gonna eat the unhappy, fighting married couple. Bet they’ll taste bitter. Heh. They can be washed down with Annulment Ale, though. That should make everyone very…hoppy.

PARASENSE: THE NAKED EXPERIMENTS / Out now (VOD)

“Paranormal veteran, Ross Allison, focuses his attention on the physical aspects of being touched by a ghost. His struggle to prove these phenomena takes a crucial turn when a real scientist and inventor, Chad Goodwin, joins his team as they take naked subjects into the most haunted sites known for supernatural physical contact.”

The best part about having intimate relations with a poltergeist is you can ghost ’em afterward. 

EXORCIST BLOODLINE / Out now (VOD)

“After moving back into her childhood home, a young woman is possessed by a depraved evil spirit masquerading as her dead mother and must battle to save her mind, body and soul.”

For some of us, it’d be hard to differentiate between a depraved evil spirit and a deceased mom. Not me, though. My mom rocks. (Had to say that, as she reads this blog, and I don’t want to be sent to my room…YET AGAIN.)

Heavy Metal Horror, Bigfoot Booby Trap, Satanic Diapers

What happens when you mix (or “combine”) comic books with horror and heavy metal? A reason to read, that’s what. This is what we’re getting with Black Tape, a new original horror mystery comic series from AWA Studios, telling the “fictional story of miscreant and rock idol, Jack King.” Um, fictional? I thought all rock stars were miscreants. In fact, there is/was a metal band called Miscreant. (Their 1996 album Inside The Beyond could easily be turned into a comic type book.)

From AWA Studios’ press release: “When Jack King dies suddenly at the height of his musical reign and his cause of death comes with neither rhyme or reason, subsequent events paint a picture of a singing superstar caught in a web of lies, addiction, and even the unholy powers of the occult.”

Art imitates life. Written by award-winning comic creator Dan Panosian (Iron Man, Wolverine) and illustrated by renowned international artist Dalibor Talajiæ (Deadpool, Logan), the four-issue Black Tape is situated in 1960s Los Angeles. (I thought ‘60s bands were either jingle writers for hot dog commercials or beatniks. Or both.) 

While we contemplate turning off the TV and reading a comic book (tough choice), here are few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you bang your head to the hummable, rhythmic nature of heavy metal, or against a concrete retaining wall (same results)…

THE BIGFOOT TRAP / September 1, 2023 (VOD)

“A journalist’s life is changed forever when he’s locked inside a Bigfoot trap by an insane Sasquatch hunter.”

Bigfoot laughs derisively at the irony.

LEAVE / October 28, 2022 (Norway), Release pending 2023/2024 (US)

“A young woman tries to find her origins after having been abandoned as an infant at a cemetery wrapped in a cloth with satanic symbols. But as she gets closer to answers, a malevolent spirit is telling her to leave.”

Looked everywhere but couldn’t find said Pampers™ with pentagrams on ‘em. I did, though, come across a knock-off brand sporting upside down cross skid marks on both the inside AND outside. A malevolent spirit warned me not to buy ‘em, but I was unable to resist temptation. Evil — thy name is clearance sale.

OX-HEAD VILLAGE / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“After broadcasting a prank about a haunted building on their social media, three girls disappear. Rumors surface that they were victims of The Ox-Head Village Curse, triggering an investigation by two of their friends, desperate to find the truth about what happened.”

Three down, several hundred million to go.

MASTEMAH / June 29, 2022 (France) TBD 2022/2023 (US)

“After a traumatic accident during a hypnosis seance, Louise, a young psychiatric, opens a new office in the middle of nowhere. When she starts analyzing Theo, a dark and mysterious man, people around her start to die. Could she be confronted by the Devil himself?”

Had to look up this one: “Mastema, a personification of the Hebrew word mastemah, is an angel who appears in the Book of Jubilees, and is the father of all evil. He carries out punishments for God, as well as tempting humans and testing their faith.”

In the Book of JuJubes, however, Mastema tempts humans with colorful, gummy candy drops, testing not only their faith, but the sweet tooth as well. As if it needs to be said, those things are wickedly irresistible — and I wouldst like to live deliciously.

Kaiju Banners, Plagued Writers, Violent Violinist

Continuing to geek out on the onslaught of Godzilla: King of the Monsters marketing, this time a series of banner posters, giving us an up close and personal look at the kaiju battle royale heading our way on May 31, 2019. Note: Rodan looks like my neighbor’s crack-addicted parrot.

In case you need a distraction from all this dizzying giant monster promo, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as entertaining as a crack-addicted parrot…

ALONE (2019)
“A writer seeking peace and solitude in the countryside in an attempt to recover from tragedy and finish her book. However, as the welcoming country house turns into a living hell, she soon realizes that her inner demons are not the worst of her problems.”

So is she being plagued by ghosts? Werewolves? Bigfoot? Raccoons? Oh, I know — an overused plot device!

THE SONATA (2019)
“Set in London and France, The Sonata centers on young virtuoso violinist. After the death of her estranged but famous composer father, Rose inherits the old mansion in which he lived. There, she discovers her father’s final work: a mysterious music score marked with strange symbols. With the help of Charles, her agent and manager, she deciphers the symbols and, little by little, starts to unlock secrets concerning her father’s past, setting in motion the mechanisms of a plan imagined on the day she was born.”

Spoiler: the deciphered symbols translate to: “Put the ukulele down, you hippie, and get a real job.”

Worms, Slasher Santa, Whispering Dead

If you watched the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead last November, you got to see YET ANOTHER main character die, and were introduced to The Whisperers, YET ANOTHER group of enemies of the still-living. No spoilers, but hot dang, that last scene was right up there with some of TWD’s best “holy sh*t!” moments.

Here’s an excerpt from the press release that tells us what’s in store when the show resumes on Sunday, February 10, 2019 on AMC…

“The group’s rules and ways of survival no longer guarantee their safety. A whole new threat has crossed their paths, and they soon discover it’s unlike any threat they have encountered or endured before. The group will start to question what they think they see. What may appear to be normal in this post-apocalyptic world could actually be more disturbing and terrifying than when the apocalypse first broke out. All that is certain is the stakes are high and numerous.”

A bit generic, but if you’ve read the graphic novels, you kinda already know what holy sh*t is coming down the pipe. Until then, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the holy sh*t outta you…

MOJIN: THE WORM VALLEY (January 4, 2019)
“Following in the footsteps of blockbuster Mojin: The Lost Legend and based on the bestselling novel series, Mojin: The Worm Valley once again finds legendary tomb explorer Hu Bayi on a dangerous mission as he seeks out the Tomb of Emperor Xian, located on an island of monstrous creatures in this mystical action-adventure.”

A valley of worms and an island of monstrous creatures? Spring break!

DIAL CODE SANTA CLAUS (now showing)
“Thomas, a resourceful child, is left alone with his fragile grandfather on Christmas Eve. When a killer dressed as Santa Claus breaks into their home, Thomas does whatever it takes to defend his home and grandfather.”

This originally came out back in 1989 in its native country of France, or a place that sounds like France. It made its way here over the border wall as a bootlegged VHS. But now Dial Code Santa Claus getting a proper release and is making the film house circuit as we e-speak. Hopefully, it’ll be available on DVD — but France is gonna have to pay for it.

DOOM ROOM (January 15, 2019)
“A woman wakes up locked in a small room with no memory of how she arrived there. Unable to escape, and tormented by a series of paranormal entities, she must uncover the riddle of who she is and how she got here.”

YET ANOTHER spin on the Cube/Saw scenario. It also describes the night after drinking in The Tug Tavern.

THE HOLE IN THE GROUND (2019)
“Trying to escape her broken past, Sarah O’Neill is building a new life on the fringes of a backwood rural town with her young son, Chris. A terrifying encounter with a mysterious neighbor shatters her fragile security, throwing Sarah into a spiraling nightmare of paranoia and mistrust, as she tries to uncover if the disturbing changes in her little boy are connected to an ominous sinkhole buried deep in the forest that borders their home.”

I bet Thomas Crapper, the guy who invented the toilet, was inspired by sinkholes. He should’ve called it the “Stinkhole,” though. Heh.