Archive for France

Extreme Aliens, Extreme Demons, Extreme Tacos

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Quiet Hour

Uncovered a whole steaming pile of obscure, indie Bigfoot movies, the goal being to watch every single one of ‘em. Hope they don’t make BF out to be a killer of campers, roasting their flesh on a stick over a roaring outdoor fire. Oh wait…

While you’re waiting for me to profile ‘em, here’s some upcoming horror to help pass the time…

THE QUIET HOUR (March 21, 2017)
“Sarah must protect her blind brother and farm. Meanwhile, aliens are harvesting the planet for resources. When a mysterious soldier comes to her door, she must decide if she can let him in or not. Is he another bandit? With few survivors to turn to, Sarah must make a difficult choice to ensure her family’s survival.”

So exactly what are Earth’s resources aliens are always coming here to harvest? I’m guessing our bit coins, tacos and Internet porn. Extraterrestrials could easily do that without infringing on our taco/porn civil rights.

Raised By Wolves

RAISED BY WOLVES (March 28, 2017)
“When a group of extreme skaters go searching for an empty pool rumored to be behind an abandoned house in the barren desert, they learn they should not have ignored the rumors that the house is haunted by a demonic presence and a dark history of occultism. What follows is a terrifying tale of evil possession causing the friends to slowly turn against each other.”

So extreme skaters go up against extreme evil. Sounds incredibly dumb. This, coming from a guy who watches stuff like Shark Exorcist (2015).

Blood Feast

BLOOD FEAST (April 28, 2017 / Limited)
Fuad Ramses and his family have moved from the United States to France, where they run an American diner. Since business is not going too well, Fuad also works night shifts in a museum of ancient Egyptian culture. During these long, lonely nights he is repeatedly drawn to a statue representing the seductive ancient goddess, Ishtar. He becomes more and more allured by the goddess as she speaks to him in visions. Eventually he succumbs to her deadly charms.

After this pivotal night, Fuad begins a new life, in which murder and cannibalism become his daily bread. He starts to prepare a ritual FEAST to honor his new mistress, a lavish affair dripping with BLOOD, organs, and intestines of human victims. As butchered bodies are heaped upon the Altar of Ishtar, Fuad slowly slips further into madness, until he is no more than the goddess’s puppet; and she thirsts for the blood of Fuad’s wife and daughter, too.”

Early reviews are calling this remake “Nothing so appalling in the annals of horror since the original…” Sounds like last call at The Poggie Tavern. Gory beyond the standards of the time, Blood Feast (1963) was the first splatter movie and broke hard ground in explicit gore and goosh, raising the bar on pretty much all the graphic horror that’s since followed. That’s probably significant in some form or fashion.

Death Ward 13

DEATH WARD 13 (2018)
“It’s 1973 and the Stephens Sanitarium for the Criminally Insane prepares to shut down permanently. Days before closing, four beautiful nursing students arrive to care for the last handful of ‘harmless’ mental patients in a suspiciously understaffed ward.”

“Confronted by their violent charges, the nurses soon realize that they are trapped inside the asylum with a deadly crew of vicious lunatics. Each patient has their own perverse identity, their own personal demons and their own violent agenda. Pushed to the brink of insanity, the young nurses find themselves in a gruesome fight for survival inside Ward 13.”

Four Spring Break-grade young nurses vs. vicious lunatics. I’m in. This, coming from a guy who just re-watched The Disco Exorcist (2011).

Cannibal Cuisine

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Trouble Every Day

Trouble Every Day (2001) is a French horror movie about a chick that has sex with dudes and then eats their flesh. Hopefully in that order.

Trouble Every Day

Shane Brown is an American scientist on his honeymoon in Paris. Instead of frenching his wife, he’s plagued by reoccurring nightmares of having sex and ripping flesh apart. He looks up Dr. Léo Sémeneau, his brain experimenting buddy, in order to figure out why he wants to eat his wife, but not in the legally married way.

Trouble Every Day

The doc’s gone, but his hottie wife Coré is hanging around, having sex with local monsieurs and chowing on their flesh. Talk about soul mates — Shane needs to get an annulment and hook up with this broad and get their flesh freak on asap.

Trouble Every Day

Coré looks good sans clothes and shows her bare upper half a lot. That both sweater busters are covered in blood and particulate matter most of the time is moot. Shane looks like the drummer for Foghat. Do not gaze upon his nakedness as it will turn you off to such rockin’ songs as “Slow Ride” and whatever Foghat’s second hit was. (I think it’s “I Just Wanna Make Love To You — And Then Eat Your Flesh.”)

Trouble Every DayThe cannibal scenes are tame, as is the depictions of sex. Long stretches of emoting (there’s barely any dialogue) bring this thing to an attention deficit crawl. I guess the French figured the subject matter was enough to shock the viewer into thinking this is a great movie. The French are wrong.

Expelling Evil With Diet Cola

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Expulsion of the Devil

Word up to your religious beliefs: the 1973 French made (French maid – heh) Expulsion of the Devil (aka, At the Meeting with Joyous Death or Au rendez-vous de la mort joyeuse) does NOT show the Devil. The movie implies Sophie, a morose 14 year-old daughter (part of the equation of mom, dad, younger brother), is possessed by said evil and is responsible for windows breaking on their own and furniture being tossed around as if hucked by professional wrestlers. But not cursing, bleeding or vomiting, all things Devil associated.

Expulsion of the Devil

The above family lives in a French countryside Inn so huge, you could have your own personal wine cellar. (France folk drink wine like diet cola, hence the reference.) Without any build-up or warning, windows start breaking inward, leaving a carpet of sharp glass to playfully roll around on. Later, while attempting to drink some diet cola, the table, chairs and other chunks of furniture hurl chaotically (something I do after attempting to drink wine), crashing and breaking everything.

Expulsion of the Devil

Then a friend comes over for dinner and some refreshing AND relaxing diet cola. The kitchen doesn’t like him and tries to crush him with the fridge and oven. Then it throws him out the only window left unbroken.

Expulsion of the Devil

A friend of the family’s dad has a TV show that airs weird stuff like this. The family temporarily moves out and a small crew moves in to film all the weird stuff. Well hey — nothing’s happening…until Sophie returns.

Expulsion of the Devil

Things that make no sense at all: A preacher showing up at night with seven very young girls, looking to crash for the night. Then a TV crew guy gets his hand burned by super hot diet cola. Then the head TV guy wakes up screaming, covered in some sort of lumpy brown stuff. (I don’t attend church, but I prayed that was just mud.) Then he crashes through the floor into a well so deep, you can’t even hear him splash/splat.

Expulsion of the Devil

The only thing remotely considered evil is when Sophie takes off her shirt/smock in front of the mirror and the reflection doesn’t quite reflect everything she’s doing. With that out of the way, everybody abandons ship, leaving an suspiciously smiling Sophie to stare at the house. That’s it in an evil nutshell.

Amityvill Horror

And while this sounds the the business model of 1979’s The Amityville Horror (or L’horreur d’Amityville), Expulsion of the Devil seems more like puberty gone amok than some satanic box social with self rearranging furniture, cursing, vomiting and diet cola.

Dragons and Nickel Candy Bars

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Valley of the Dragons

It’s 1881. And Michael Denning (USA) and Hector Servadac (not USA, but still kinda cool Frenchman) were doing what any two guys arguing over a girl would normally be doing: facing off in a duel with pistols.

Valley of the Dragons

Just as they’re about to glock block each other, a passing comet overhead whips up a ferocious storm so blast-y, it sucks the at-odds gentlemen 1,000,000 miles into space and 1,000,000 BACK IN TIME! Face-slapping astonishment here; I had no idea meteors had those kinds of super powers.

Valley of the Dragons

The men end up in a jungle as real estate and property taxes hadn’t been invented yet. It’s here they encounter two warring tribes of cavemen and cave women, a fiesty volcano with the worst temperament, and giant, mouth open, fighting lizards feasting on said cave people. Can you say f’d in the cave-hole?

Cat-Women of the Moon / Rodan

Using the framework of Off on a Comet, an 1877 Jules Verne novel (that’s probably French for “book”), Valley of the Dragons (1961) certainly lives up to its name. They do this by sweetening the plot with stock footage from Cat-Women of the Moon (1953) and Rodan (1956), whose cameos are relegated to some prairie dog pop-ups and a few fly-bys.

Valley of the Dragons

Not forgetting their discord, both men decide to resolve their face-shooting dispute AFTER they figure out what the heck is going on, how to get back to their own time, and more importantly, how to divide up the two hottest of the cave chicks not as yet eaten by the “dragons.”

Valley of the Dragons

One clan gets trapped in a cave with a slobbering giant lizard right outside the door-less opening. Using spears and rocks, the cave people, led by French Hector, poke the beast like it was sleeping in late. But it isn’t until his science thoughts kick in that he figures out how to make gun powder from the colored dirt everyone’s bleeding on.

Valley of the DragonsYou can guess where this is headed and how this ends for the dragon. But the most exciting part is when the volcano blows and all involved at the foot of said Mt. Explode gets the herd thinned by earth-cracked crevices and tsunamis of pyroclastic flow.

Valley of the Dragons

Initiating a chest-patting peace accord between the surviving tribes, Mike and Hec calculate the comet will return in seven years, thereby whisking them back to their plentiful world of nickel candy bars and .34¢ a gallon gasoline. More than enough time to teach the cave girls in the ways of future love.

Closing statement: Rodan did not eat any of the cave people. He could’ve, but just didn’t. It’d be totally not cool if you went around telling everybody he did. Don’t be a dick, ’k?

Ghosts, Strippers, Sharks and Flying Reptiles

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Peelers

Sometimes watching horror movie trailers is better than watching the entire movie. (I suffer from “don’t bore us, get to the chorus” syndrome.) You get all the money shots, snippets of boneheaded dialogue instead of 90 minutes worth — and more importantly — spoilers.

Titanic

How many movies, horror or not, have been ruined by trailers that, in a two-minute bid to sell you on their product, give away the whole darn thing? (When I watched the trailer for Titanic and they showed the ship hitting an iceberg (or possibly Godzilla) of all things and sinking, that gave away every reason I might have had to see the flippin’ thing.)

Here’s a few upcoming (as of right the heckaroo now) horror movies that might command more of my ever drifting attention span. I SAID MIGHT…

PEELERS (2017)
“A small-town strip club owner must defend her bar from infected raiders on closing night.”

That’s a horror movie? Aren’t most people who go to strip clubs, like, pre-infected? Not me – I take baths, man…sometimes before I go into a T-bar (Mary’s Club in downtown Portland). But if you don’t want to live life to the fullest by experiencing one of these vital institutions, try Strippers vs. Zombies (2008). Wash your hands afterward. To do so before is kinda pointless.

Cage Dive

CAGE DIVE (release pending 2016/2017)
Cage Dive follows three friends from California who set out to film an audition tape for submission to an extreme reality game show. To ensure they stand out, they decide to travel to Australia where they will be documenting themselves taking part in a most extreme activity…shark cage diving. While on the dive, a catastrophic turn of events leaves them in baited water full of hungry great white sharks and turns their audition tape into a survival diary.”

Gotta love shark movies that use real sharks. They probably don’t get paid as much as those snobby Hollywood sharks, though. But if these true-to-life biters are as good on the big screen as they are in the killer trailer, bye-bye to all you Sharknado posers. (Or if you live in France, “poseurs.”).

Unspoken

UNSPOKEN (October 28, 2016)
“In 1997 the close-knit Anderson family vanished from their country home without a trace without an explanation. No bodies were ever found and for 17 years the house has remained undisturbed…until now. A sinister tale of haunting and murder, Unspoken is a refreshing twist on the horror genre.”

No it isn’t. Not being a hater here, but refreshing twists on the horror genre are as likely as me winning the jackpot on the Mega Meltdown™ slot machine at the Tulalip Resort Casino. (Only thing I’ve been able to win is dirty looks from the staff.) But if you want a hot slap in the face of sinister haunting and murder, look no further than The Changeling (1980). Put a stain on/in your Old Navy™ pants, it will.

Terrordactyl

TERRORDACTYL (November 1, 2016)
When a meteor shower rains down outside Los Angeles, friends Lars and Jonas head out to find one and strike it rich. After recovering one they’re stalked by Terrordactyls – ancient flying reptiles – that launch a full-on assault on the city. They soon discover there’s more to the meteor than meets the eye…”

Flying Monkeys / Rodan

Flying monsters rock my world. (Flying Monkeys/2013 – craptacular movie, but hey…FLYING MONKEYS!) My wings tend to flap in the direction of Godzilla frenemy Rodan (1956) for sweet flying reptile city destroying action. But hey, I’ll get a boarding pass for Terrordactyl.

Note: The DVD cover says Terrordactyl, but the kicker line says “They want their planet back.” Somebody needs to put an “s” on that airborn noun.

Earth Must be Stopped

Posted in Aliens, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 11, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Day the Earth Stopped

Remember The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951/2008)? Well, this time it stopped altogether. No loitering for this planet, just a complete and utter dead halt.

I could end my overview of The Day The Earth Stopped (2008) right here, but there may be one or two of you who never listen when I tell them movies that are quick knock-offs of other — and better — flicks, suck the big [insert your choice of disparaging proper noun here].

The Day The Earth Stopped

A battalion of spaceships pull up to Earth and park their giant destructo robots in areas all over the world. Six hundred and sixty-six of ’em to be exact, though you only get to see one.

Two aliens — a naked young man with zits on his face, and a nude 30-something woman with heavy eye shadow and thick lip gloss (from the “Hot Uranus Nights” weekend collection) — are captured by the Army and interrogated.

The Day The Earth Stopped

Turns out Earth has been pissing off all the other planets, and it’s time to kiss our arrogant fannies goodbye. That is, unless we can show them a reason for sparing our lives…by sundown. Unfortunately, the giant robots start blasting, wrecking an innocent Ferris wheel and shooting the top off the Eiffel Tower. France probably deserved it.

The lesson learned? Don’t watch cheap knock-off “sci-fi” movies like this anymore. But like touching a hot stove burner, I’ll probably do it again.

French Sex Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fascination

If you’re a criminal on the run and looking for a place to hide, a castle full of naked vampire chicks that have blood-drinking sex parties might be a suitable choice. Such is the plot of the French R-rated horror movie, Fascination (1979), which stars Brigitte Lahaie, a legitimate porn star. She earned her cred the hard way. Um, no pun intended.

Fascination

It’s 1905 and two high-steppin’ Paris gals go shopping, lock lips and stop by the local slaughterhouse to drink ox blood from glasses with pinky extended. They claim to have severe anemia. All vampires do, I’d reckon. Eventually tiring of cow ketchup, they move up to people, specifically men. This creates a convenient dinner solution when a gold-coin carrying thief running from other thieves who want the gold coins seeks refuge in the ladies’ porn palace.

Fascination

While hiding his hide, he bares his hide with a little horizontal romance action with one of the gals. Good way to pass the time before the arrival of the marchioness (a snooty woman with the paper rank of a marquess) and her “servants.” When they get to the castle they have a party with the criminal being the only guy, bobbing up and down in a sea of boobies.

Fascination

The vamps want his blood, but one of the gals, who finds him attractive, helps him escape before this becomes a draining experience. What to do but to quench their eternal thirst by sucking the joy juice out of one of the party girls. How b*tchy.

Fascination

The criminal finally gets a taste of justice when he gets shot by the very same gal who had a weekend crush on him, but changed her mind at the last minute and hooks up with the marchioness. If you know girls like that, run away.

Fascination

As mentioned a bunch of words ago, Brigitte Lahaie stars as one of the lesbian vampires. While there is copious amounts of front to back/head to toe nudity, nothing explicit is shown in the ways of well-lit nature. For all I know they could’ve been faking those sex scenes. Bummer.