A Space Oddity

I have no idea what the hell 2010: The Year We Make Contact (1984), a brain-scratching sci-fi movie, is about. I had no idea what the hell 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) – the first one – was about, either.

I watched this sequel because it had that guy from Jaws (1975) in it. I watched the first one because it had monkeys in it. After that, it all went in one eyeball and out the other.

Something about a giant domino on the moon or up Uranus, and that talking computer that won’t open the pod bay doors. What a dick.

Why can’t they just make a movie about monkeys? That’d be awesome.

A Baker’s Dozen of Ghosts

This is the 1960 version of 13 Ghosts, with floating milk bottles, not the 2001 remake where the ghosts actually eat your face.

Dr. Zorba wasn’t a people person, preferring to stay a recluse in his mansion and collect ghosts. Twelve of ’em to be exact. After the sociable doc kicked the bucket, his estate is left to his “so poor he can’t even pay attention” nephew Cyrus and his family.

In addition to inheriting all of the Doc’s cool stuff, the heirs also get a special pair of goggles that allow them to see stuff like floating bottles of ghost milk, a flaming ghost skeleton, a headless ghost lion tamer (he really got into his act), and a ghost lion (hungry – and terribly upset someone poured his bottle of milk all over the floor). But the family has to ride it out as a fortune in cash is supposed to be hidden somewhere in the spirit beleaguered house.

Cornball thrills, weak dialogue, and no face-eating. Hardly a believeable ghost movie.

So who or what is the 13th ghost? ME. Don’t look so surprised. The clues were right there the whole time.

Horror That No One Knows

Ingloda is an upcoming indie horror flick from first time writer/director Brian Targett. I don’t know what an Ingloda is. My first thought was that it was an appetizer on a Korean lunch menu. Or at least rhymes with one. Then it occurred that Ingloda might be a medical condition that includes yellow-y discharge. Best case scenario is that Ingloda could very well be a Japanese vampire/dinosaur/model/actress that rises up out of the ocean and feasts on a side order of fleeing citizens.

Maybe the synopsis has a clue…

“Ingloda is a dark psychological thriller that follows Kelly as she discovers dark secrets about her past. Her friends Kacy and Nikki try to help her as she slowly loses her grip on reality.”

No luck here as that pretty much generically describes a plethora of “meh” horror movies. That, and it’s redundant, using the word “dark” twice in the same sentence. Like I would ever do that ever.

And who are these “Kelly,” “Kacy” and “Nikki” people they speak of? Are they supermodels with skin/social problems? American Idol rejects? Girls that have premarital sex in the roomy and stylish back seat of a Kia™ hamster car?

As for Kelly losing her grip on reality, she should try Gorilla Glue™. Man, you won’t lose your grip on anything with that stuff. (Warning: don’t use it to affix glitter sparkles on your butt cheeks. Itches like crazy, those sparkles do.)

P.S. Anybody know where I can find some glue remover?

True Alien Abduction

On the evening of November 5, 1975 in the White Mountains of Arizona, a bunch of logger dudes in a truck were coming back from work when they noticed an unusual light coming out of a flying saucer in the sky.

Getting out to investigate/show off, Travis Walton – one of the logger dudes – was zapped unconscious by the light and seconds later slowly sucked up into the very light that made him wish (if he was conscious) that he had sunglasses or a stylish blindfold of some sort.

This goons out the rest of the men and they took off, more than likely going over the speed limit in their haste to not help their friend. The cops think they killed their buddy and hid his body up in the woods. The men insist it was a UFO that took Travis. The media turns the small logging town into an international freak show, resulting in all the men being tried for murder.

Five days later, Travis shows up (naked and gooned out) with no recollection of where he was all that time in the sky. The prosecuting attorney is pissed because now he won’t to get to show off his legal skills in a national forum. And Travis has no idea what happened to his pants. (Hello – they were abducted.)

Travis seems more than a little mentally in the toilet when he turns up, and more so as his memory starts coming back in snippets, especially the part about being probed in the you-know-where area. (What is it about our b-holes that aliens find so fascinating other than the songs it sings?)

Fire in the Sky (1993) is based on a TRUE event wherein Travis was butt-napped by extraterrestrials. He even wrote a book about it. His “inside the UFO” flashbacks, though, aren’t nearly as interesting as the way the media and their friends treat the men, all of whom think they made the whole thing up. I believe you, guys. Travis – not so much, buddy.

Ghost in the Invisible Bikini

Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (1966). I can think of at least one thing wrong with this movie’s title. I had hoped to see some spooky booty, but had to settle for a full-clothed spirit. (Bikinis back in those days looked like designer potato sacks compared to today’s preferred dental floss.)

This well intentioned flick certainly had all the right ingredients: lots of dancing chicks in non-regulation swimwear, clean-shaven ’60s rock ’n roll, a gorilla… But if you’re gonna advertise an invisible bikini, then you damn well better show one. False advertising sucks.

Oh yeah, the plot: the abundantly rich Hiram Stokley is dead, but he can’t get to Heaven until he does a good deed without getting out of his coffin. So he gets his equally dead girlfriend, Cecily (wearing the so-called “invisible bikini”), to stop J. Sinister Hulk (awesome name) and his greedy ass lawyer, Reginald Ripper (awesome lawyer name) from claiming Hiram’s mansion estate for themselves.

One of those quickie teen “horror” movies of its day, Ghost In The Invisible Bikini (original working title: Ghost in the Glass Bikini) is corny, silly and fun with lots of bathing suits, rock ’n roll and a gorilla. Look at it this way – this was the kind of stuff your parents watched at the drive-in while they were making YOU.

My Big Fat Greek Zombie

Evil To Kako (2005) is allegedly the first Greek zombie movie ever made. I don’t think so. Anyone recall My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)? That thing was full of zombies. Their job was to act human. Wasn’t the least bit convincing, if you ask me.

Three construction workers discover a huge cave, no doubt loaded with EVIL. They go home, not remembering how they got out of the cave. All three go do stuff  – attend a nightclub, a chariot race, uh, football game, and watching the chariot races…uh, football game on TV. Then they look like they’re about to barf. But they don’t. They bite the person to their immediate left, thereby turning that person into a flesh-eating zombie in less time than it takes to toast “ya’sou!” at a big fat Greek wedding.

Soon everybody’s doing the bite-your-face thing and, before you know it, another movie trend burns itself out. A cabbie and several un-zombie’d spend the next hour running and battling the biting dead. But mostly running.

Loads of dark humor in this chew festival, including heads that leak Silly Putty™ when crushed, heads that split in two like bleeding bakery-fresh bread right out of the oven, heads that come off as easily as if the supporting neck were made of clay… There is no story, just running and chewing and body parts flinging all over the place.

The multitudes of zombies converge on the last four survivors. Their strategy? Run out onto a chariot…uh, football field, put backs together, lock arms and wait. The final shot, though, is pretty darn cool. The camera rises, oh, about a Roman mile into the sky, showing zombies pouring into the stadium – without a ticket – like ants crawling all over a picnic watermelon. Funny stuff, that.

Lots of splatter, but nothing else that matters. Not a total waste of time, but it is sub-titled. If I wanted to read I’d go to a library. Whatever that is.

Exploding With Fury

The young teenage girl with lots of shirt potential in 1978’s The Fury discovers she has yet another power: telekinetic abilities. Here’s the head cracker – people who touch her start bleeding. (Do what I do and wear gloves.)

In order to understand this mind madness, she enrolls in the Paragon Clinic under the supervision of Dr. McKeever. But McKeever is under the supervision of that rat bastard Childress, a greasy intelligence operative (played greasily by John Cassavettes), wants to control this chick in order to use her for a weapon with matching accessories, etc. He has another student, the psychic son of a former co-worker/friend. But the boy has gone one cuckoo over the nest due to all the experimenting on his noodle-less brain.

The Fury revolves around dad trying to find his son, using the mind chick to help track him down. But not before the son makes a woman float in the air, bleed out of her, um, areas, and spin around like a bleeding fan. When dad finally meets up with his son, the two fight it out on a roof top. And we all know what that’s good for – look out for falling rocks.

As effects go, not too bad for a 1978 flick. The big pay-off was watching someone – I’m not saying who – explode. But not just “blow up, mop the floor, turn out the lights, call it a day” explode. This scene was shot from no less than 13 different angles! (I counted.) Friggin’ cool.

Today’s younger horror/sci-fi fan will probably think the movie is a bit too dated and its premise a bit on the goofy side. But c’mon –when was the last time you saw a body explode from 13 different angles that wasn’t in a rap video? That, and The Fury has the manly Kirk Douglas in it, the guy who played Spartacus, the slave gladiator who, in 1960, led a revolt against those Republican Roman Empire p*ssies. That’s gotta count for something.

Die Monster Die

Mention the weirdo Whitley family in the 1965 semi-horror classic Die Monster Die! and you’ll get a big face of nothing. Seems the weirdo Whitleys, who have reputed allegiances with the Devil (don’t jump to conclusions – I said reputed), aren’t too popular with the local devil-fearing community. What a bunch of uptights.

The stone cold silent treatment is what happened to Stephen Reinhart, a young man/scientist traveling all the way to the super far away village to get some blouse massagin’ time with Susan Whitley, his college skirt. Either she really pays out or he’s quite the dumbass.

Arriving at a monstrous mansion that looks where Dracula might throw a rave, Stephen is asked by the mom (from behind really lovely curtains) to get her daughter permanently out of the house. But Nahum Whitley (the legendary Boris Karloff), the wheel-chair bound patriarch, wants Stephen to get the hell outta there, oh and to piss off while he’s at it.

Looking more a street fighter than scientist, Stephen toughly hangs around and discovers the Whitley family secret – giant mutated creatures locked behind cage door, oversized plants that grow tomatoes the size of regulation basketballs, and a glowing green meteor in a deep well that was clearly designed for satanic sacrifices. You’d think these things weren’t somehow linked together, but don’t be simple.

Die Monster Die! is bubbling with highly atmospheric and gloomy, with neato visuals and mutated creatures. But the action takes a while to pick up green glowing steam. When it does pick up green glowing steam, things get abstract and confusing, with the explanation of it all being based on science fiction instead of science fact.

My science doors swing both ways, so I can go with the flow.

Evil Dead 2013

A remake of 1981’s The Evil Dead? The stinkin’ heck you say! And yet, someone has the groinal properties to give one of the greatest horror movies of all time a makeover. Balls the size of Texas, I say. But before I put my foot all the way in my mouth, the trailer for it is awesomely awesome.

The final say will come from the hardcore fans, most of whom already think this isn’t a good idea. (On some of the blogs I’ve read, they use argumentative language unbecoming of anyone but a drunk demon.)

Here’s the plot of the new one: Five twenty-something friends become holed up in a remote cabin. When they discover a Book of the Dead, they unwittingly summon up dormant demons living in the nearby woods, which possess the youngsters in succession until only one is left intact to fight for survival.

Sounds vaguely familiar.

Here’s a summation of the original movie so you can compare/take notes/argue like a drunk demon: Friends spending the weekend in a ramshackle cabin so deep in the woods, electricity can’t get to it. And yet, the lights work. They accidentally on purpose unleash the dead, who were sleeping (and evil) and didn’t want to be woken up. What happens to them next is the stuff of cinematic gore legend.

Needless to say, it was/is a milestone in demonic possession. No horror movie before matched The Evil Dead’s ferocious demons and platters of yummy splatter. From the possessed shrubbery outside and the cackling demon bitch in the basement, this flesh-melting fest is like the world’s best roller coaster ride in Hell’s amusement park. (Souls redeemable for Dizzy Pass™ coupons.)

This was also the movie that gave birth to the immortal Ash – a regular kind of guy (with a highly expressive face) who battles demons without losing his head like so many before him.

If you haven’t seen The Evil Dead, why are you reading this blog? And if you’ve already seen The Evil Dead, go watch it again. Then, like, go do other stuff so as to not waste the rest of the day.

Those Damned Banshees

The Internet tells us that a banshee is a fairy woman who begins to wail if someone is about to die. (Or when a shoe sale is about to end.) In Scottish Gaelic mythology a banshee is known as the bean sìth (from Star Wars) or bean-nighe (from a chili recipe) and is often seen washing the blood-stained clothes or armor of those who are about to die. That’s sexist to state that dead or alive, women like doing laundry.

A hot city chick and her boyfriend travel all the way to the English countryside to be at her dying grandmother’s side (she looks like an onion left in the fridge too long). Like grandma is about to, when you die in Damned By Dawn (2009), there’s a banshee that comes to escort your soul to the Land of the Dead. I’m visibly conflicted they don’t teach this in Sunday school.

There’s a catch, though: when the not-so-mythical creature shows up to take grandma to her next assisted living care purgatory, don’t screw (or “interfere”) with the proceedings. We’ll heck, why don’t you just tell the granddaughter not to put her fingers on a hot stove burner?

When the crying soul-taker arrives, the well-intentioned girl intervenes. This makes the banshee, a female ghost with bleeding eyes and a paint-peeling scream that would get her hired in any number of Swedish death metal bands, highly upset.

The banshee uses her screech of doom to wake the dead, all of whom are skeletons, and come after anybody with a puny  two-octave range. They fly around like death Frisbees™ and, if they catch you, possess the grocery bag that is your body and make you bleed out of primary orifices and do dead activities. (Your guts falling out of the grocery bag, breath making stink fumes…) Oddly, when a skeleton is shot in the bone structure, blood splats out. Not sure how that scientifically works.

Some slippery gore, a few good pee-shiver moments, and a decent banshee who can give a fire house siren a good run for its money.