Archive for November, 2012

A Space Oddity

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on November 30, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

2010: The Year We Make ContactI have no idea what the hell 2010: The Year We Make Contact (1984), a brain-scratching sci-fi movie, is about. I had no idea what the hell 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) – the first one – was about, either.

2010: The Year We Make ContactI watched this sequel because it had that guy from Jaws (1975) in it. I watched the first one because it had monkeys in it. After that, it all went in one eyeball and out the other.

2010: The Year We Make ContactSomething about a giant domino on the moon or up Uranus, and that talking computer that won’t open the pod bay doors. What a dick.

Why can’t they just make a movie about monkeys? That’d be awesome.

A Baker’s Dozen of Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts with tags , on November 29, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

13 Ghosts

This is the 1960 version of 13 Ghosts, with floating milk bottles, not the 2001 remake where the ghosts actually eat your face.

Dr. Zorba wasn’t a people person, preferring to stay a recluse in his mansion and collect ghosts. Twelve of ’em to be exact. After the sociable doc kicked the bucket, his estate is left to his “so poor he can’t even pay attention” nephew Cyrus and his family.

13 GhostsIn addition to inheriting all of the Doc’s cool stuff, the heirs also get a special pair of goggles that allow them to see stuff like floating bottles of ghost milk, a flaming ghost skeleton, a headless ghost lion tamer (he really got into his act), and a ghost lion (hungry – and terribly upset someone poured his bottle of milk all over the floor). But the family has to ride it out as a fortune in cash is supposed to be hidden somewhere in the spirit beleaguered house.

13 GhostsCornball thrills, weak dialogue, and no face-eating. Hardly a believeable ghost movie.

So who or what is the 13th ghost? ME. Don’t look so surprised. The clues were right there the whole time.

Horror That No One Knows

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , on November 28, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ingloda

Ingloda is an upcoming indie horror flick from first time writer/director Brian Targett. I don’t know what an Ingloda is. My first thought was that it was an appetizer on a Korean lunch menu. Or at least rhymes with one. Then it occurred that Ingloda might be a medical condition that includes yellow-y discharge. Best case scenario is that Ingloda could very well be a Japanese vampire/dinosaur/model/actress that rises up out of the ocean and feasts on a side order of fleeing citizens.

Maybe the synopsis has a clue…

Ingloda is a dark psychological thriller that follows Kelly as she discovers dark secrets about her past. Her friends Kacy and Nikki try to help her as she slowly loses her grip on reality.”

No luck here as that pretty much generically describes a plethora of “meh” horror movies. That, and it’s redundant, using the word “dark” twice in the same sentence. Like I would ever do that ever.

And who are these “Kelly,” “Kacy” and “Nikki” people they speak of? Are they supermodels with skin/social problems? American Idol rejects? Girls that have premarital sex in the roomy and stylish back seat of a Kia™ hamster car?

As for Kelly losing her grip on reality, she should try Gorilla Glue™. Man, you won’t lose your grip on anything with that stuff. (Warning: don’t use it to affix glitter sparkles on your butt cheeks. Itches like crazy, those sparkles do.)

P.S. Anybody know where I can find some glue remover?

True Alien Abduction

Posted in Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , on November 27, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fire in the SkyOn the evening of November 5, 1975 in the White Mountains of Arizona, a bunch of logger dudes in a truck were coming back from work when they noticed an unusual light coming out of a flying saucer in the sky.

Getting out to investigate/show off, Travis Walton – one of the logger dudes – was zapped unconscious by the light and seconds later slowly sucked up into the very light that made him wish (if he was conscious) that he had sunglasses or a stylish blindfold of some sort.

Fire in the SkyThis goons out the rest of the men and they took off, more than likely going over the speed limit in their haste to not help their friend. The cops think they killed their buddy and hid his body up in the woods. The men insist it was a UFO that took Travis. The media turns the small logging town into an international freak show, resulting in all the men being tried for murder.

Five days later, Travis shows up (naked and gooned out) with no recollection of where he was all that time in the sky. The prosecuting attorney is pissed because now he won’t to get to show off his legal skills in a national forum. And Travis has no idea what happened to his pants. (Hello – they were abducted.)

Fire in the SkyTravis seems more than a little mentally in the toilet when he turns up, and more so as his memory starts coming back in snippets, especially the part about being probed in the you-know-where area. (What is it about our b-holes that aliens find so fascinating other than the songs it sings?)

Fire in the SkyFire in the Sky (1993) is based on a TRUE event wherein Travis was butt-napped by extraterrestrials. He even wrote a book about it. His “inside the UFO” flashbacks, though, aren’t nearly as interesting as the way the media and their friends treat the men, all of whom think they made the whole thing up. I believe you, guys. Travis – not so much, buddy.

Ghost in the Invisible Bikini

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , on November 26, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghost in the Invisible BikiniGhost in the Invisible Bikini (1966). I can think of at least one thing wrong with this movie’s title. I had hoped to see some spooky booty, but had to settle for a full-clothed spirit. (Bikinis back in those days looked like designer potato sacks compared to today’s preferred dental floss.)

Ghost in the Invisible BikiniThis well intentioned flick certainly had all the right ingredients: lots of dancing chicks in non-regulation swimwear, clean-shaven ’60s rock ’n roll, a gorilla… But if you’re gonna advertise an invisible bikini, then you damn well better show one. False advertising sucks.

Ghost in the Invisible BikiniOh yeah, the plot: the abundantly rich Hiram Stokley is dead, but he can’t get to Heaven until he does a good deed without getting out of his coffin. So he gets his equally dead girlfriend, Cecily (wearing the so-called “invisible bikini”), to stop J. Sinister Hulk (awesome name) and his greedy ass lawyer, Reginald Ripper (awesome lawyer name) from claiming Hiram’s mansion estate for themselves.

Ghost in the Invisible Bikini

One of those quickie teen “horror” movies of its day, Ghost In The Invisible Bikini (original working title: Ghost in the Glass Bikini) is corny, silly and fun with lots of bathing suits, rock ’n roll and a gorilla. Look at it this way – this was the kind of stuff your parents watched at the drive-in while they were making YOU.

My Big Fat Greek Zombie

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , on November 25, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evil To KakoEvil To Kako (2005) is allegedly the first Greek zombie movie ever made. I don’t think so. Anyone recall My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)? That thing was full of zombies. Their job was to act human. Wasn’t the least bit convincing, if you ask me.

Three construction workers discover a huge cave, no doubt loaded with EVIL. They go home, not remembering how they got out of the cave. All three go do stuff  – attend a nightclub, a chariot race, uh, football game, and watching the chariot races…uh, football game on TV. Then they look like they’re about to barf. But they don’t. They bite the person to their immediate left, thereby turning that person into a flesh-eating zombie in less time than it takes to toast “ya’sou!” at a big fat Greek wedding.

Evil To KakoSoon everybody’s doing the bite-your-face thing and, before you know it, another movie trend burns itself out. A cabbie and several un-zombie’d spend the next hour running and battling the biting dead. But mostly running.

Evil To KakoLoads of dark humor in this chew festival, including heads that leak Silly Putty™ when crushed, heads that split in two like bleeding bakery-fresh bread right out of the oven, heads that come off as easily as if the supporting neck were made of clay… There is no story, just running and chewing and body parts flinging all over the place.

Evil To KakoThe multitudes of zombies converge on the last four survivors. Their strategy? Run out onto a chariot…uh, football field, put backs together, lock arms and wait. The final shot, though, is pretty darn cool. The camera rises, oh, about a Roman mile into the sky, showing zombies pouring into the stadium – without a ticket – like ants crawling all over a picnic watermelon. Funny stuff, that.

Lots of splatter, but nothing else that matters. Not a total waste of time, but it is sub-titled. If I wanted to read I’d go to a library. Whatever that is.

Exploding With Fury

Posted in Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , on November 24, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The FuryThe young teenage girl with lots of shirt potential in 1978’s The Fury discovers she has yet another power: telekinetic abilities. Here’s the head cracker – people who touch her start bleeding. (Do what I do and wear gloves.)

In order to understand this mind madness, she enrolls in the Paragon Clinic under the supervision of Dr. McKeever. But McKeever is under the supervision of that rat bastard Childress, a greasy intelligence operative (played greasily by John Cassavettes), wants to control this chick in order to use her for a weapon with matching accessories, etc. He has another student, the psychic son of a former co-worker/friend. But the boy has gone one cuckoo over the nest due to all the experimenting on his noodle-less brain.

The FuryThe Fury revolves around dad trying to find his son, using the mind chick to help track him down. But not before the son makes a woman float in the air, bleed out of her, um, areas, and spin around like a bleeding fan. When dad finally meets up with his son, the two fight it out on a roof top. And we all know what that’s good for – look out for falling rocks.

The FuryAs effects go, not too bad for a 1978 flick. The big pay-off was watching someone – I’m not saying who – explode. But not just “blow up, mop the floor, turn out the lights, call it a day” explode. This scene was shot from no less than 13 different angles! (I counted.) Friggin’ cool.

The FuryToday’s younger horror/sci-fi fan will probably think the movie is a bit too dated and its premise a bit on the goofy side. But c’mon –when was the last time you saw a body explode from 13 different angles that wasn’t in a rap video? That, and The Fury has the manly Kirk Douglas in it, the guy who played Spartacus, the slave gladiator who, in 1960, led a revolt against those Republican Roman Empire p*ssies. That’s gotta count for something.