Archive for 7-Eleven

African Loch Ness Monster

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Dinosaur Project

A helicopter carrying a famed British cryptozoologist explorer with a cool adventure hat, a guide, a hot chick, a two-man film crew, and the guy’s 15 year-old stowaway son are taken out by prehistoric flying reptiles, one of which gets a taste of modern technology by the chopper blades. They were on their way over Africa to research — and film — dinosaurs, specificially Mokele mnembe (river monster), reported to be thriving deep in the unexplored jungle where no 7-Eleven™ dare sets up shop.

The Dinosaur Project

Those not killed in the crash get eaten by the bat-like birds, one of which is the hottie female assistant. I think she had three lines before her chewy death. Enough for an IMBD.com credit, I suppose.

The Dinosaur Project

With all communications equipment crunched, the survivors plod through the jungle and down a river in search of a 7-Eleven™ and safety. Good plan — too bad it doesn’t work. Mokele mnembe shows up to flip the boats and have some land sushi. “It’s the African version of the Loch Ness monster, but more plausible” declares the explorer, whose hat never comes off, even when battling river monsters.

The Dinosaur Project

This is all filmed with a bunch of GoPro™ cameras that the 15 year-old kid brings. (He has seven, none of which runs out of juice and always seems to stay in focus.) He manages to strap one on to a small raptor to see where it goes. (He feed it candy to gain its trust. That trick always works with me as well.)

The Dinosaur Project

The small group of leapin’ lizards are remotely viewed on an iPad™ going into a grotto and into the secret valley where all the dinosaurs do their business. Unfortunately, the explorer’s “right hand man,” who never gets any of the TV glory, goes rogue and tries to kill the boy, pushing him down the dino-hole. Fortunately, the GoPros™ are still going pro.

The Dinosaur Project

The Dinosaur Project (2012) is actually not as dumb as you’d imagine. A mash-up of The Land That Time Forgot (1975), The People That Time Forgot (1977), Journey to the Center of the Earth, (2008), Land of the Lost (2009) and Jurassic Park (1993), the monsters look fairly convincing, the “found footage” is found and tells the whole story about the dinoaurs and the hat always stays on the head. Although it probably came off after going over that cliff. Oh, snap — did I just spoil the party?

The Dinosaur Project

P.S. Full Discolsure — I previewed this one back on October 14 of 2011. My neighbor was being a dick that day that day. But as the film had as yet to be released, the promo pics showed dino-monsters that never made it to the final cut. So I’m legally off the hook for that misrepresentation. And to that I say “whew!”

Horny Space Gargoyles

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Terror Within

At some point during the future, a chemical warfare “oops” happened and everybody died. I’m surprised you didn’t know about it. This turned the world into a post-apocalyptic wasteland, full of dirt, caves and gargoyles. Fortunately, a small group of scientists in matching jumpsuits were able to create an antidote and sequester themselves in an underground science lab. From there they venture out into the dirt to see if anyone is left alive and if so, can they direct them to the nearest 7-Eleven™ (they’re always open) for a refreshing Slurpee™ because damn, it’s hot out there.

The Terror Within

Those who do not come back are presumed ripped into Bacon Bits™ by the surface gargoyles and their food rations dispensed among the inwardly happy survivors. One such patrol yields a supermodel not yet turned into Californian gargoyle wrap. They take her back to the science hole and discover she’s pregnant. One theory as to who the father is. During the extremely truncated gestation period, she gets ready to pop in just a few hours. One doctor chick slices open the mom-to-be’s gut bucket (i.e., stomach), reaches in and pulls out a (you’re NOT gonna believe this) gargoyle. Before the reluctant mother can give it a name, like Rot Face Chew Boy or Dougy, the thing wiggles away and leaves mom ready for a dirt nap.

The Terror WithinThe newborn makes its way into the air vent and grows at an accelerated rate. The rest of the scientists are pretty much screwed — they can’t stay in, yet they can’t go out. A quandary for sure. Now in his teens, the gargoyle puts his raging hormones to use and gets busy with one of the science chicks, who gives birth a half-hour later as well. What the heck is it with gargoyles and their whole “I don’t use condoms, man” ethic?

The Terror Within

The gargoyle resembles an alligator if the alligator was turned inside out and stood on two legs and had rubber-looking feet and claws. It doesn’t need to be said, but those gargoyles are king butt unattractive. With only two scientists (a dude and a chick) remaining, the race is one to get out of the doom tunnel before the gargoyle wants to knock boots again. Smellin’ a party, all the top-side gargoyles come a’runnin’.

The Terror Within

Were it not for a strategically placed bomb (no underground laboratory with limited escape routes should be without one), it could’ve been an all-out slumber party for horny beasts. (If even one of the monsters was from, say, the Castro District in San Francisco, the last remaining science dude would be looking for the nearest phaser to swallow. Okay, that didn’t come out right.) And were it not for the Alien (1979) rip-off scenes and overly long plot padding, I might’ve given the generic The Terror Within (1989), half a zero instead of a full zero.

Aussie Ghosts, Home Invading Aliens and Vegas Zombies

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Caught

As a change of pace, been watching some classic horror comedies (I totally heart you The Ghost and Mr. Chicken/1966). But the best horror comedy you’ll ever see is coming from the White House. That thing should be a g’damn film studio.

Here’s some upcoming horror films that won’t make you laugh…

CAUGHT (2017)
“While on an afternoon walk with their children, two small town reporters notice the military camped on a hilltop. Debating the possible significance of this activity, they answer their door when two unusual strangers come knocking and find themselves held hostage in their own home.”

Don’t let the bland and uninspired press release put you off; this is an alien home invasion movie. So what could extraterrestrials possibly want from our shelves, cupboards and nightstand drawers? Given their galaxy-known probing procedures, they’re probably look for lube. The director is describing this movie as “alien art house.” Sounds cool, but I have no idea what that means.

Lemon Tree Passage

LEMON TREE PASSAGE (Available now Australia/Russia/2017 U.S.)
“A group of young backpackers in Australia discover that a legendary local ghost tale turns out to be true.”

The trailer looks pretty cool, introducing a bunch of young people to a much shorter lifespan in creative ways. The legend goes that if a car load of disposables travel down Lemon Tree Passage (in the States we call that a “road”) a light follows them. My advice to annoying young people — you can find Lemon Tree Passage on Google Maps™. Go there. Today, if possible. Unfortunately, this movie will be re-titled to the supremely generic/boring Death Passage for its US release.

It Stains Sands Red

IT STAINS THE SANDS RED (2017)
“Following a zombie apocalypse, Molly finds herself lost in the Las Vegas desert with one of the rabid living dead hot on her trail. Although at first she finds it hard to give him the slip, the situation gets even more complicated when the girl realizes that, unlike her pursuer has no physical need to stop and rest.”

Sorry about the art — was unable to find official stuff after 30 seconds of frantic clicking around the web. Interesting premise — a zombie pursing a chick in the desert like he was Jaws: The Revenge (1987), wherein the shark follows Chief Brody’s widow halfway around the world, just to have a nosh with her.

The Sound

THE SOUND (2017)
“Kelly is a writer and a skeptic of the supernatural. As a specialist in acoustic physics she uses low frequency tactile sound-waves to debunk reported paranormal activities for her online blog. When presented a new case of a supposedly haunted subway station Kelly sets off to uncover the truth behind the hoax that involves a 40-year-old unexplained suicide. Her investigation takes her deep into the abandoned station where her skepticism is tested. As Kelly ascends into the depths of the metro’s darkness she is confronted by an unforeseen evil. In the vastness, she must face her own haunted memories to find the truth and surface back into the light.”

How can you be a skeptic of the supernatural with all those ghosts goonin’ out everyone who dares venture into a haunted subway station/7-Eleven™? And while we’re on the subject, why is it ghosts are always of the “unforeseen evil” variety? Are there no more nice ghosts left? (I don’t count Casper the Friendly Ghost as he’s more emo than friendly. Nothin’ worse than a whiny poltergeist.)

The House That Jack Built

THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT (2018)
“Over a span of 12 years, the highly intelligent Jack introduces the murders that define his development as a serial killer. We experience the story from Jack’s point of view, while he postulates each murder is an artwork in itself. As the inevitable police intervention is drawing nearer, he is taking greater and greater risks in his attempt to create the ultimate artwork.”

Gotta love an artist who commits to his craft. Wonder what he uses as his medium? Acrylics? Water colors? Pottery clay? Needle point? The “As Seen On TV” Aero Knife™, the one where nothing sticks to it? (At $19.95, that’s a kick ass bargain. Gotta get me one and see if it makes peanut butter fall to the wayside.)

Creatures, Ghosts and STDs

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Man VS

Watched a documentary on 1980s horror movie scream queens the other day. Surprised to find out these often naked and hired-to-shriek actresses made less than an average 7-Eleven™ manager’s assistant’s intern. Shocking revelation, but at least you get a screen credit; no one in the history of 7-Eleven™ has ever had their picture — let alone their name — on any one of its fine and potentially healthy microwaveable products. Talk about unsung heroes.

Here’s some upcoming low paydays for a few people…

MAN VS (February 14, 2017/VOD)
As host of his own hit TV series, MAN VS, Doug Woods is forced to fend for himself for five days in remote locations with no crew, food, or water, only the cameras he carries on his back to film his experiences. Doug’s in the remote woods for a routine episode, until he’s awoken by an earth-shaking crash. Things get weirder as it becomes clear Doug isn’t alone. Someone or something is watching him. MAN VS is a gripping ‘found footage’ thriller about one man’s extraordinary desire to survive at all costs.”

Not a fan of these types of TV shows. I’m always rooting for nature to put these fame hungry participants out of my misery. So what might be in the woods going after Woods? (Really? They couldn’t give him another last name?) My guess is media critics and/or low ratings.

Lake Alice

LAKE ALICE (2017)
“It’s Christmas at an isolated cabin in the subzero temperatures of northern Wisconsin where the days are short and the nights last forever. As a blizzard descends on Lake Alice, so does evil, as the Thomas family is hunted down one by one. The family struggles to stay alive as their numbers slowly dwindle.”

Numbers always dwindle in subzero temps — and casinos. My first thought is why would a family go to an isolated cabin in a blizzard on Christmas when there are lots of nice and warm cocktail lounges within $1 of gas distance? As for the “evil” dogging the Thomas clan on Christmas, it’s probably Krampus. Gotta say, I like that guy.

Gremlin

GREMLIN (2017)
“A man receives a mysterious box containing a terrible secret, a creature that will kill everyone else in his family unless he passes it on to someone he loves to continue its never-ending circulation. He can’t destroy it. He can’t escape it. He can only give it to someone he loves before it’s too late.”

Sounds like a cross between The Ring (2002) and It Follows (2014). As for passing along a terrible secret to someone he loves, I’m thinkin’ herpes.

The Lodgers

THE LODGERS (2017)
“A sister and brother are haunted by a secret curse that forces them to remain in the large estate home left to them by their dead parents. But when a young man who falls in love with the sister tries to free her, his attempt sets off a deadly chain reaction.”

Forced to remain in a large estate home without parents? Sucks to be you. Try living in a nightmare apartment building with loud and obnoxious butt-heads being loud and obnoxious day in and day out. And don’t get me started on the overflowing recycling dumpster that only gets emptied once a month or the never ending semi trucks delivering frozen hockey puck “meat” patties to the McDonald’s™ behind said nightmare apartment building.

Animal People

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Twilight People

A mad scientist (okay, not really mad, but maybe a bit peeved) lives on an island where he’s been experimenting turning humans into animals, or “manimals.” Sound familiar? It should — Twilight People (1972) is an unintentionally cheesy second attempt at adapting the 1896 H.G. Wells’ novel, The Island of Dr. Moreau, the first swing being Island of Lost Souls in 1932. (Note to manimals: Dr. Moreau was remade two more times — in 1977 and yet again in 1996, both with equally laughable results.)

Twilight People

Professionally handsome Matt Farrell was out skin diving when he’s caught and pulled out of the sea like the catch of the day. He’s brought to an island where Dr. Gordon, in a huge mansion with spare dungeon, has been making animal/human hybrids to create a super race to outlive Earth’s eventual demise via war, pollution and 7-ElevenTruckstopper microwave burritos. Gordon’s plan is to use Matt’s physical and intellectual superiority to advance his medical aspirations.

Twilight People

Assisting Dr. Gordon is Neva, his supermodel daughter, who falls under the spell of Matt’s overpowering handsomeness. But Gordon’s henchmen, led by the cocky, gun-happy Steinman (even his name sounds arrogant), wants Matt shot in his good looks.

Twilight People

The animals are the real stars, though. There’s a panther woman, an antelope man, a bat man, an ape man, a wolf woman and a tree woman, Gordon’s first attempt at combining plant DNA with a human. The result? Oops.

Twilight People

An epic chase scene wraps things up when Matt and Neva escape with the manimals while Steinman pursues with meaningful gunfire. The fun explodes when the hybrids, now released back into the wild, do what animals do — after a few pooper scooper moments, of course. Can you blame them?

Twilight People

The manimals fight back, ripping faces and throats while Matt and Steinman settle their differences. But it’s when Darmo the bat man regains his ability to fly that the movie — and his revenge on Dr. Gordon — is the money shot. The overhead dive bomb view is so classic, he could give pointers to gangsta seagulls.

P.S. You can be highly entertained by Twilight People on YouTube™ for free.

Home For The Holidays with Serial Killers and Robots

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Never Open The Door

Nothin’ like celebrating the impending holiday season with some slashers, serial killers and robots. Oops, I forgot — robots now prefer to be called “cyborgs.” Fine by me. A rose by any other name,

NEVER OPEN THE DOOR (December 6, 2016)
“Three happy couples retreat to a cozy secluded cabin in the woods to enjoy Thanksgiving. A badly wounded stranger appears at the door, and when they let him in, he throws up blood and collapses on the floor. As he dies, he points towards the lovers and croaks his final words: “Never open the door”. The dumbfounded group of friends start to panic as one of their own inexplicably disappears. Doubt rises by the minute and mistrust soaks through the cabin. As strange men surround the cabin, escape becomes paramount. Who will open the door?”

I don’t want to goon you out, but if a wounded stranger shows up on your doorstep at Thanksgiving and throws up on the floor, it’ll likely be me. I’ll leave without a fuss as long as your prepare a to-go box with turkey, mashed potatoes and 16 airline bottles of vodka. (I’ll find my own mixer in the dumpster behind 7-Eleven™ — good pickins!) And would it kill you to throw in a couple of slices of grandma’s pumpkin pie?

I Am Not A Serial Killer

I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER (December 9, 2016 / VOD)
John Wayne Cleaver is dangerous and he knows it. He is 16 and helps his mum and aunt at the family mortuary. John is obsessed with serial killers but really doesn’t want to become one. So for his own sake and the safety of those around him he lives by rigid rules to keep himself “good” and “normal.” When somebody starts murdering people in John’s small Mid-West town, he has to investigate and risk letting his own dark side out in order to stop the killer. But without his rules to keep him in check he might be more dangerous than the monster he is stalking. As the icy winter tightens its grip on the community a deadly supernatural game of cat and mouse ensues.”

John Wayne Cleaver. Now there’s a name you can hang your entrails on. As for living by “rigid rules” to stay “good” and “normal,” I bet ’ol JWC is one just Jagermeister smoothie away from drumming up business for the family business.

Detour

DETOUR (January 9, 2017 / VOD)
“Harper, a seemingly naive law student, obsesses over the idea that his shifty stepfather was involved in the devastating car crash that left his mother hospitalized and comatose. He drowns his suspicions in whiskey until he finds himself suddenly engrossed in conversation with volatile grifter Johnny and his stripper companion, Cherry. As daylight breaks and the haziness of promises made becomes clearer, how will Harper handle the repercussions (not to mention the violent duo — on his doorstep)? Employing a split-narrative structure to tell this tale of deception and murder, Detour takes the audience on a thrill ride full of hairpin turns, where it’s never quite clear what or who can be trusted.”

I’m sorry — I didn’t catch anything after “drowning in whiskey.”

Ghost in the Shell

GHOST IN THE SHELL (March, 2017)
“The Major (Scarlett Johansson), a special ops, one-of-a-kind human-cyborg hybrid, leads an elite task force known as Section 9. Devoted to stopping the most dangerous criminals and extremists, Section 9 is faced with an enemy whose singular goal is to wipe out Hanka Robotic’s advancements in cyber technology.”

The stunningly gorgeous Scarlett Johansson as a one-of-a-king human-cyborg hybrid. That explains a couple the things, the first of which is why she doesn’t return my e-mails. (I’m probably just spam to her.) Regardless, this live action sci-fi thriller is based on the enduringly popular Japanese seinen manga series by Masamune Shirow that got its start back in 1989. Scarlett Johansson got her start in 1984. I could probably make a connection there, but the cyborg part of my humanity is on the blink — again — so just go with it.

Monster Town

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Silent Hill

What Silent Hill (2006) – a movie adapted from the popular 1999 Japanese horror video game franchise – lacks in cohesive storytelling, at times makes up for it with undie squeezing atmosphere (great use of smoke/fog, or “smog”) and some of the more disturbing and icky creatures/monsters since Hellraiser’s (1987) Cenobites, from which it clearly draws inspiration. (Note: The movie utilizes this and thats from the first four Silent Hill games, might explain the pieced-together feel.)

Silent Hill

A ridiculously attractive mom has a young daughter who sleepwalks around waterfall cliffs, even though the kid has been repeatedly told not to go out after dark. (Like that works with kids.) Turns out the little scamp is dying from an unknown cause and a faith healer (my medical insurance only covers Shamans) tells mom for answers to take her daughter to the spooky Silent Hill, a small abandoned town no longer on any map, Google™ or otherwise.

Silent Hill

The town of Silent Hill – renowned for witchcraft gone wild – is pretty dang eerie. First, its shrouded in smoke from an underground coal mine that’s been burning out of control for decades. (Probably why everyone left. That, and there’s no 7-Eleven™. Reason enough to pack it up.) Secondly, there’s an apocalyptic horn that goes off every so often, releasing some seriously messed up creatures that come out of nowhere to eat faces clean off whatever head it’s attached to.

Silent Hill

Like the video game it’s fashioned after, the monster encounters get progressively hardcore, turning up as walking torsos, twisted body guys, mutant nurses and the impressive level boss Pyramid Head and his 12-foot knife that can cut through walls to get its point across.

Silent Hill

Teaming up with a previously encountered female cop, Rose, frantically searches for her kid who wandered off and is seen in glimpses running through a maze of building floors and is heading down into the depths of what sure as hell looks like Hell. And it’s here the story, steeped in evilness, gets muddled.

Pyramid Head

There’s a ghost religious leader, ghost townsfolk from years gone by, a witch-sacrificing bonfire (no marshmallows, though), and a darker than black demon thing. To tie this altogether would take a LOT of word wrangling as the movie piles the back story on said bonfire during the last 10 minutes. So much so, you can barely keep track, even with a 12-foot knife being pointed at your uncooked (for now) self.

Yeah, Silent Hill plays out in linear fashion like its parent video game. But the creature things — which needed WAY more screen time — are downright delightful.

Silent Hill

P.S. The sequel Silent Hill: Revelation (2012) brought back the first one’s better freak creatures, but suffered from a sub-standard plot and a disturbing lack of fun. Sounds like my life.