Archive for 7-Eleven

Banshee — Shout It Out Loud

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Banshee!!!

The Banshee is a mythical creature that shrieks so loud your ear drums pop. That’s the good news. The bad news is you have about two seconds to live, as it’ll remove your head and everything else required to make it operate correctly.

Banshee!!!

Teens on a Connecticut camping trip in the small town of Wallingford run afoul of this winged, voluminous gargoyle, which can assume the likeness of its victims. They try running away from it, only to get impaled and gutted, like pre-bacon. Several are given the above treatment while the remaining savory dishes make it to a house that’s gun-guarded by an old man and his rocker son, Rocker. (That’s his real name, and it totally rocks.)

Banshee!!!

The Banshee finishes what it started with everyone else heading in the direction of their own salvation. Points for trying. And Banshee!!! (2008) is a decent try, even though it falls prey to lazy clichés and ham-flavored dialogue. The chicks take off their clearly uncomfortable shirts, but leave their bras on. Party foul.

Banshee!!!

The Banshee, obviously digital and not even remotely close to being real, is corn city. (It’s mouth looks like a hot air vent. Might be good for inflating balloons.) The buffet of blood and bodies, though, are moist, juicy and tender, much like the girls who don’t take off their bras. That’s like getting a delicious 7-Eleven Hot Pocket™ and not being able to get the wrapper off.

End of The World, Heritage Alligators, All Colors Matter

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet X

In a recent AOL.com article written by Lindsay Granger, it appears the YET AGAIN Christian prophesied end of the world is scheduled to happen on April 23, 2018. And how will this come to be? That stinky Planet X is scheduled to usher in the Nibiru cataclysm. Seems kinda mega-harsh. More so when you find learn that ominous space rock doesn’t even have one 7-Eleven™ on it. End of the world, indeed.

The Washington Post wrote that “Planet X’s imminent arrival has been predicted so many times before, in so many newspapers, and its existence has been debunked so thoroughly by NASA, that we are struggling to find anything interesting to say about the latest round of panic and hyperbole.”

Planet X

Hocking a biblical loogie in the face of that, David Meade — a Christian numerologist — insists that on April 23, the sun, moon and Jupiter will align in the constellation Virgo and bring forth the start of biblical rapture. The Daily Express, counters with a nicely placed dick-slap to that theory, saying scientists have dismissed these claims, noting that this alignment occurs once every 12 years. (On that proclamation, the Earth already collided with another planet in 2011’s Melancholia. It was neato.)

Melancholia

IF the end of the world happens on April 23, 2018, I’d better get my laundry done; One should always wear a clean pair of britches to the apocalypse. And while we wait for our impending/un-impending doom, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you rapturous…

Lake Placid: Legacy

LAKE PLACID: LEGACY (May 28, 2018)
“Taking place several years after the events of the original film, Legacy finds the team of young explorers out to reveal the secrets of an area removed from modern day maps and hidden behind electric fences. However, once they reach the center of the lake, they discover an island that harbors an abandoned facility with a horrific legacy: the island is home to a deadly predator eager to feast on those dumb enough to ignore the warnings.”

Even though Lake Placid (1999) became exponentially sillier with each sequel (I’m looking in your direction Lake Placid vs. Anaconda/2015) — you really can’t go wrong with a 30-foot alligator making Scooby snacks out of those who would dip their meaty limbs in his bathtub. So yeah, unbitten thumbs up for this one.

Bad Samaritan

BAD SAMARITAN (May 4, 2018)
“A valet develops a clever scam to burglarize the houses of rich customers. Things go smoothly until he robs the wrong customer, and discovers  a woman being held captive in the home. Afraid of going to prison, he leaves the woman there and makes a call to the police, who find nothing when they investigate. Now, the valet must endure the wrath of the kidnapper who seeks revenge on him, all while desperately trying to find and rescue the captive woman he left behind.”

A criminal with a moral conscious. Quit your day job, dude. Might be a cool twist, though, if he kidnapped the kidnapper. I wouldn’t begin to know what to call that.

Attack of the Adult Babies

ATTACK OF THE ADULT BABIES (June 11, 2018)
“The aftermath of a shocking home invasion forces three frightened family members to break into a remote country manor and steal top secret documents. Little do they know the stately pile is also the clandestine venue where a group of high-powered elderly men go to take refuge from the stresses and strains of daily life by dressing up in nappies and having a bevy of beautiful nurses indulging their every perverse nursery whim. Nor do they realize this grotesque assembly is compelled to refuel the world’s economy by very sinister, sick and monstrous means. As the bodily fluids hit the fan, the bloody carnage and freaky weirdness escalates.”

From early reviews: “Attack of the Adult Babies is disgusting, depraved, brave, bonkers, brilliant and quintessentially British in its humor and depravity.” Sounds like they have all the bases covered, although seeing elderly men in diapers might be a glimpse of my future.

Monochrome

MONOCHROME: THE CHROMISM (2018)
“Traded and sold like currency, the outcast people known as ‘Hues’, are hunted down after turning color in a black and white world.”

A black and white world that starts to turn into technicolor has been done before with 1998’s Pleasantville. That was a comedy. This one sounds more not comedy.

Cleaning Unclean Spirits

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Chronicles of an Exorcism

In a rat hole of a house in the middle of a cornfield, two amateur filmmakers document several priests and a pastor trying to suck the devil out of a nicely tanned and blonde supermodel with hellishly perfect teeth, who’d look more at home in a shampoo commercial than a vomit-splattered bed.

Chronicles of an Exorcism

She floats. She swears. She wears contacts to make her look evil. She gets loose in the corn. If I were possessed, those are exactly the things I’d do, mostly because it looks like fun and not because I’m possessed or anything. Ahem.

Chronicles of an ExorcismTurns out the swimsuit model is possessed by five demons, all of whom the priests had encounters with in other countries (Korea, Eastern Europe, South America, 7-Eleven™). By possessing the girl, these unclean spirits are basically doing the evil version of instant-messaging.

Chronicles of an Exorcism

One of the priests has a secret, which, as you know, is like juicy gossip to a demon. All hand-held camera stuff shot on a budget of what wouldn’t cover one sun tanning session. I don’t know how the priests kept from laughing during the overly long and loudly shouted exorcism. Somebody should’ve told me Chronicles of an Exorcism (2008) was a comedy.

Nightmare Coffee Table, Really Mad Scientist, Sleep Strangler

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Freddy Coffee Table

If you’re like me and wake up everyday thinking, “Man, I wish I had a fully sculpted Freddy Krueger coffee table,” then you’re in luck. Designed by slaughterfx.com.au, you can own this spill-proof masterpiece for a mere $1499.00. (The 600 shipping might cost you your soul, though.)

Freddy Coffee Table

This pics displaying the table’s inherent coolness, are copyrighted by SlaughterFX, so guys, if I posted without permission, let me know and I’ll replace the news piece with things my cat did today. (P.S. I don’t really have a cat; it’s more of a raccoon/rat/seagull hybrid thing I found behind a 7-Eleven™. What was I doing behind a 7-Eleven™? None of your business.

And speaking of business, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made into coffee tables…

Followers

FOLLOWERS (March 23, 2018)
Brooke and Caleb, a social media celebrity couple, are celebrating their special anniversary on a camping trip deep in the woods of sunny Florida. They plan on recording the entire trip for their fans, and Caleb even has a special surprise for her to make this weekend extra special. But they are not alone. Helpless and cut off from all communication, Brooke and Caleb are being followed by Nick and Jake, two aspiring filmmakers hell-bent on filming a documentary on how easy it is to track someone down through social media…and kill them.”

More social media horror designed for younger people hooked on digital relationships instead of analog ones. Then again, sleeping on digital wet spot is no longer a problem — just “unfriend” it.

Higher Power

HIGHER POWER (May 11, 2018)
“When the Universe decides what it wants, it’s pointless to resist. With his family’s life at stake, Joseph Steadman finds himself the unwilling test subject of a maniacal scientist in a battle that could save the world, or destroy it.”

I say do to the world what I’ve been doing to my liver for some time now — destroy it!

Meet The Blacks 2: The House Next Door

MEET THE BLACKS 2: THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR (2018/2019)
Carl Black is an over-stressed best-selling author who moves his family to his childhood home so he can find peace to write his new book. But when an extravagant pimp moves into the neighborhood, Black becomes convinced that the man is actually a vampire bent on stealing his family.”

I Googled™ “extravagant pimp.” They all look like Snoop Dogg. Not a bad role model as Snoop is entirely badass.

Mara

MARA (2018/2019)
“Criminal psychologist Kate Fuller is assigned to the murder of a man who has seemingly been strangled in his sleep by his wife and the only witness is their eight-year-old daughter, Sophie. As Kate digs into the mystery of an ancient demon which kills people in their sleep, she experiences the same petrifying symptoms as all previous victims and spirals through a chilling nightmare to save herself and Sophie before she dares fall asleep again.”

Sleeping men getting strangled by their wives is so commonplace, I’m surprised anyone pays attention. Note to men: do NOT leave the lid up if you value your neck hole.

Horror Magazines, Holiday Demons, Hellish Drugs

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fangoria

Was talking to a horror movie friend of mine in a bar (or as I like to call it, spin class), and ruminating over the demise of the globally prominent Fangoria horror movie magazine, which started in 1979 and ended abruptly went down the porcelain library a few years ago. They did, however, keep the website going. Meh.

Imagine me doing a faceplant as it was just announced Fangoria, under new ownership, will fire up the printers once again. What are the odds?

Fangoria

From the press release…

Cinestate, the Texas-based entertainment company, has acquired all the assets and trademarks of the Fangoria brand, which includes the magazine. Also, Tony Timpone and Michael Gingold are set to return with their columns as well as consult the company going forward. Thanks to a new investment, a new Editor-in-Chief, and a new Publisher, the world’s highest-profile horror movie magazine is reemerging as a collectible quarterly with the first issue set to drop this fall in time for Halloween (2018)”.

Fangoria

It should be somehow noted that on December 5, 2007, a warehouse in Oregon, Illinois, which contained all back issues of Fangoria and Starlog magazines, was fired by fire. It’s common knowledge that back issues of Fangoria are not re-printed. This is good news for me as I own the entire collection (except for a few of the last few issues), all (over 300) kept in plastic with cardboard backing and stored in those cool comic book boxes. I’ll start the bidding at $1,000 — and you pay for shipping. Or come over with your checkbook, a van or front-loader, and a sixer of tall boys to seal the deal.

Fangoria

Not sure how a quarterly publication schedule is gonna be relevant in today’s digital second-by-second breaking horror news atmospheric conditions, though. The news would be as old as me by the time it comes out. But hey, with legacy editors on board, put me in the game, coach.

Fangoria

So while we wait for Fangoria’s obstetrician to arrive on scene, here’s some second-by-second breaking news about upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may belong in the porcelain library…

Await Further Instructions

AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS (2018)
“The Milgram family, who have gathered to celebrate Christmas, find a mysterious black substance has surrounded their house. Something monumental is clearly happening right outside their door, but what exactly? An industrial accident, a terrorist attack, nuclear war? Descending into terrified arguments, they turn on the television, desperate for any information. On screen, a message glows ominously: ‘Stay Indoors and Await Further Instructions”.

Ewww! — black stuff on your yard at Christmas? Is that the new coal for a year’s worth of suspect behavioral patterns, or was Santa eating gas station burritos again? Either way, this movie echoes 2006’s Right At Your Door, wherein toxic ash snows down upon your ash hole and guys in hazmat suits show up to seal you inside your blackend house with plastic tarp and all-purpose duct tape. (Is there anything that tape can’t do?) Hazmat suits are kinda neat.

All The Creatures Were Stirring

ALL THE CREATURES WERE STIRRING (2018)
“When an awkward date on Christmas Eve leads a couple into a strange theater, they’re treated to a bizarre and frightening collection of Christmas stories, featuring a wide ensemble of characters doing their best to avoid the horrors of the holidays. From boring office parties and last-minute shopping to vengeful stalkers and immortal demons, there’s plenty out there to fear this holiday season.”

Either a bit late or way too early in the year for holiday movies. But hey, when isn’t it a good time to celebrate the birth of Santa Claus, our commander in chief?

White Chamber

WHITE CHAMBER (2018)
“The United Kingdom. Soon. Civil war rages. A woman wakes up in a blindingly white cuboid cell. Using its sophisticated functionality, her captor tortures her for information she claims not to have — or does she?”

Sounds a bit like Cube (1997), except those “rooms” weren’t white. In fact, they looked like they were painted in nice metal-flavored hues. Instead of windows, though, each room in this gigantic Rubik’s Cube™was a trap so deadly, you could end up deadly dead. Hope that doesn’t happen to the nice woman in the blindingly white cuboid cell. I vote we give her sunglasses and a couple of magazines.

Discarnate

DISCARNATE (2018/2019)
“A neuroscientist’s obsession with a drug that expands the human mind inadvertently unleashes a deadly supernatural force on his team.”

Gotta say —nifty movie poster. The monster looks like some sort of evil Christmas tree on which to hang tinsel and/or fully anatomically detailed gingerbread men/women cookies. As for the drug that expands the human mind, look no further than the pleasingly arranged coolers at 7-Eleven™. More so if the store clerk is wearing a lab coat.

Zombie Justice, Vampire Detective, Saturn’s 7-Eleven

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pacific Rim: Uprising

A new poster for Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018). Looks nifty, although after watching the trailers this whole thing is starting to smell like one of those steaming mess Transformer movies. Giant robots fighting giant monsters from another dimension, though, still looks good on paper. So yeah, I’ll go see it.

Pacific Rim: Uprising

Until these machines get their metal groove on when the movie is released in March, 2018, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be steaming messes…

Black Hollow Cage

BLACK HOLLOW CAGE (available now)
“A girl, who lives secluded in a house in the woods with the only company of her father and a wolfhound, finds among the trees a mysterious cubic device with the ability to change the past.”

I’m betting the “mysterious cubic device” is an outhouse. Logical when you see that outhouses have the ability to change the past as well. Ate a bad burrito last night and its causing havoc on your Lynyrd innards? Use the outhouse and presto! — you’ve been factory re-set and the past is (no pun intended) behind you.

RV: Resurrected Victims

RV: RESURRECTED VICTIMS (available now)
“In the near future, murder victims have begun coming back to life with the sole purpose of avenging their deaths. Jin-hong is a cold-hearted prosecutor who’s obsessed with catching the man that killed his mother. But when she returns home, intent on killing him, he quickly becomes the lead suspect.”

Neat twist on the zombie theme, even though they don’t use the Z word anywhere. But a rose by any other name…

Detective K: Secret of the Living Dead

DETECTIVE K: SECRET OF THE LIVING DEAD (February 16, 2018)
“When a series of unusual murders occurs, Detective K and his partner are once again called upon to solve the case. Along the way, he teams up with a beautiful woman with amnesia and together they discover vampire bite marks on all of the bodies. As they investigate further, they begin to realize that the woman is somehow closely connected to the deaths.”

Detective K. Cool name. Detective P? Not so much. And the beautiful woman with amnesia— they practically tell you she’s the vampire they’re looking for. Better to let her suck on a body part to make sure and… HEY — get your mind out of the gutter, you pervs. FYI: This one has an alternate title: Detective K: Secret of the Bloodsucking Demon. There is no part of that I don’t like.

The Titan

THE TITAN (APRIL 13, 2018)
“When Earth’s resources start rapidly depleting, the human race is faced with the threat of swift and inevitable extinction. As the clock ticks down, and options become increasingly limited, space exploration emerges as mankind’s last hope. Hotshot Air Force pilot, Rick Janssen is chosen for a military experiment that will create a human being capable of surviving the harsh environments of Saturn’s moon, Titan. The experiment is successful, turning Rick into a super-human. But it also creates deadly side-effects which threaten the lives of Rick, his wife, Abigail, his family, and possibly humanity itself.”

Crud — we drink up all of Earth’s resources and Titan, the largest of Saturn’s 62 moons, is the only lunar 7-Eleven™ we can go wreck? There are lots more planets closer. And since Saturn is 746 million miles away, at $3.09 average for a gallon of gas — and correctly assuming any space rocket would get at least 35 miles per gallon — it would take $2,360,760,000.00 to fill the tank. That would buy a lot of Romulan Ale.

P.S. I saw two release dates for this — one in April and, according to the poster, supposedly in May. Pick your fav month and go with that.

Fake UFOs, Horror Teens, Evil Wishing Well

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Real UFO Crash Footage

Recently pulled up Real UFO Crash Footage (Mooney Vision) on Amazon Prime™. Several things you need to know before stepping in the same pile of I.V.C. (Identified Viewing Crap) I did…

• ALL the footage is of blurry and/or shaky camera stylings.

• Lots of the material has digital UFOs flying above around or into fiery explosions that happened by way of the wrong button being pushed, high-speed left turn into a right turn cloud, or something involving gasoline and matches.

• Most footage contains mega-explosions from stock news broadcasts.

• There’s footage of falling meteors, which are nothing more than God’s marbles.

• Some footage is from the SyFy Channel™ from over a decade ago.

• While it’s true these UFOs are just that (because of the blurriness, you can’t identify what it is that’s flying/not flying), the bait on the hook here is the flying saucer on the cover.

And while you’re fuming over having bitten the hook, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be blatantly misleading…

The Open House

THE OPEN HOUSE (January 19, 2018/Netflix)
“A mother and her teenage son move into a new house and are harassed by threatening forces.”

Threatening forces could be anything — landlords, neighbors, Mothman, me…  Just need an address. (Disclaimer: I don’t really threaten anyone. However, I will make your lawn die just by standing on it.)

The Devil's Well

THE DEVIL’S WELL (January 23, 2018)
Karla Marks mysteriously vanishes while conducting a paranormal investigation with her husband into the Devil’s Well, an underground location reported to be a gateway straight into Hell, and the site of ongoing strange phenomenon. A year after her disappearance, a group of investigators go back to uncover the truth about Karla, and are faced with evil forces greater than they ever imagined.”

A well is the gateway to Hell? And here all this time I thought the portal to Purgatory was 7-Eleven™. That, or the bathroom door to the men’s room at the Maha (a bar I hang out in, and usually have a priest administer a blessing every time beer needs to be exorcised from thy bladder).

Truth or Dare

TRUTH OR DARE (April 27, 2018)
“A harmless game of ‘Truth or Dare’ among friends turns deadly when someone — or something — begins to punish those who tell a lie — or refuse the dare.”

Sounds like more dumb teen horror. Can’t wait to not watch it.

Nightflyers

NIGHTFLYERS (SyFy Channel™/2018/2019)
“Eight maverick scientists and a powerful telepath embark on an expedition to the edge of our solar system in the hopes of contacting alien life. They travel aboard The Nightflyer — a ship with a small tightknit crew and a reclusive captain. But when terrifying and violent events begin to take place they start to question each other, and surviving the journey proves harder than anyone thought.”

This looks to be a TV series, which is good, because it gives me YET ANOTHER excuse to not get off the couch. Nightflyers is based on George R.R. Martin’s 1980 supernatural novella (short book) of the same name and was actually made into a movie back in 1987. I may or may not have seen it. Hey, I have hair to comb and lawns to mow. I take that stuff seriously.