Archive for 7-Eleven

New Werewolves, Old Vampires, Born Again Creeps

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 27, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lycanthropy fans can now legally bark at the moon — both the one in space and the one in the back of your pants. The film version of Werewolf By Night, based on Marvel’s 1972 comic book (nothing comic about it, though), premiers October 7, 2022 on Disney+™.

Before we shave the 5 o’clock shadow on this groundbreaking comic series, Disney+™ personally called (sorta) to tell me about the plot: “A secret group of monster hunters gather at Bloodstone Castle following the death of their leader and engage in a mysterious and deadly competition for a powerful relic, which will bring them face to face with a dangerous monster.”

So cool and so overdue. But even in its genesis, Werewolf By Night had a tough leg to chew on. Wikipedia™: “Prior to the formation of the Comics Code Authority in 1954, Marvel’s predecessor Atlas Comics published a five-page short story titled “Werewolf by Night!” in Marvel Tales #116 (July 1953). With the relaxation of the Comics Code Authority’s rules in 1971, it became possible for the first time to publish code-approved comic books with werewolves.”

Werewolf By Night comics were published from 1972 through 1977, 43 original issues in all. (Cool trivia: Issue #3/1975 features the first appearance of the Moon Knight, a new series also on Disney+™.) Yeah, there were a number of one-off specials and cameos in other comics, and they even tried to reboot Werewolf BN in Marvel Comics Presents, where he (Jack Russell, his hairless otherself) appeared irregularly from 1991 to 1993.

More cool trivia: Werewolf By Night stars Laura Donnelly, who plays the kick ass Amalia True in Joss Whedon’s The Nevers (2021), a period piece supernatural fantasy series on HBO Max™

So while you’re waiting for the moon — the one in space and the one in the back of your pants — to rise and shine on the premier, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have you yelling at lunar-esque surfaces…

THE MUNSTERS / September 27, 2022 (Netflix)

“A prequel to the original 1964 TV series, the film chronicles the meeting and eventual marriage of Herman and Lily Munster in Transylvania, despite the protestations of her disapproving father.” 

Pat Priest, who played Marilyn Munster in The Munsters (1964) has a cameo. Elvira (secret identity: Casandra Peterson) also appears, but not as Elvira. Hope they don’t have her wearing a button-up shirt.

JEEPERS CREEPERS: REBORN / October 4, 2022 (Out now in Germany, Russia)

“Forced to travel with her boyfriend, Laine begins to experience premonitions associated with the urban myth of The Creeper. She believes that something supernatural has been summoned — and that she is at the center of it all.”

Glad they’re trying to make up for the steaming heap that was Jeepers Creepers 3 (2017). That one was so bad, all the actors lined up to voluntarily offer themselves to the movie’s cannibalistic Creeper.

NEXT EXIT / November 4, 2022 (VOD)

“When a research scientist makes national news proving she can track people into the afterlife, Rose sees a way out and Teddy sees his chance to finally make it. These two strangers, both harboring dark secrets, race to join the doctor’s contentious study and leave this life behind. While Rose is haunted by a ghostly presence that she can’t outrun, Teddy is forced to confront his past. As these two misfits humorously quarrel their way across the country, they meet people along the way who force them to reckon with what is really driving them.”

Next Exit stars Rose McIver and Rahul Kohli, both of whom starred together in the wildly fun/funny iZombie TV series (2015 – 2019). Rose, a fully functioning zombie, ate recipe-enhanced brains (think HelloFresh™ for the undead) in every episode. I don’t think anyone’s eating think loaf in this one, though. Sad.

SUBSPECIES V: BLOOD RISE / Pending 2023/2024

“Spanning 500 years in the life of the vampire, Subspecies V chronicles Radu Vladislas’ descent from a noble warrior for the Church to a depraved creature of the night. Stolen by crusaders on the night of his birth, he has no knowledge of his bloodline: his mother a demon, his father a vampire.

Trained and exploited by a brotherhood of mystic monks to slay all enemies of the church, fate brings him back one night to the castle of his father, armed with the monster-slaying Sword of Laertes, to destroy the vampire Vladislas and reclaim a holy relic: the Bloodstone. The events of that night turn Radu from a noble man into a vampire with no master, setting him on a centuries-long quest for sustenance, for companionship, for the treacherous one who stole him from the sun, and for the Bloodstone he hopes will bring him peace.”

Radu sucks on the Bloodstone as if it were a refillable 7-Eleven™ Hemoglobin Slurpee®. He’s been at this game for a while: Subspecies (1991), Bloodstone: Subspecies 2 (1993), Bloodlust: Subspecies 3 (1994), Vampire Journals (1997), Subspecies 4: Bloodstorm (1998). This means he’s either a real vampire or very good at his job. Thinkin’ both. 

Pizza Face, Hallucinogenic Worms, Murder Bears

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 25, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

In what is one of the most ingenious Halloween promotional gimmicks in recent memory, Tombstone™ pizza (coolest name ever for the most popular food in any cemetery) is giving away a FREE T-pie to anyone living on an Elm Street, as a direct tie-in to Freddy Krueger’s favorite cul-de-sac (A Nightmare on Elm Street in case it slipped your mind). And hey — with his iconic oven-baked features, Sir Krueger’s face looks so much like a pizza, it should come with extra toppings.)

As first detailed by Bloody-Disgusting.com: “Tombstone™ is rewarding those brave enough to live on a real-life Elm Street with a chance to win FREE pizza this Halloween season (more than 5,000 across the country).”

Do this: From Oct. 3rd – 31st, Elm Street residents can enter online for a chance to win free Tombstone™ pizza.

What You’ll Win: Free Tombstone™ pizza awarded while supplies last. One lucky Elm Street resident will be selected at random to win free pizza for a year. The contest begins on October 3rd, 2022 and you’ll find it RIGHT HERE.

While I get some spray paint and write “Elm” on my street sign, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not look as appetizing as a Tombstone™ pizza — or Freddy’s face…

PROJECT LEGION October 7, 2022 (Limited) October 11, 2022 (VOD)

Feral creatures that prey on humans have descended upon the city. A furious fight for survival begins as the outside world descends into chaos and a former Marine, barricaded inside his apartment, prepares to come out fighting.”

Feral creatures preying on humans. Again. Why can’t they prey on microwaved 7-Eleven™ Truckstopper Burritos? Wouldn’t need a Marine to stop ’em after choking down one of those things.

KRATT / October 11, 2022 (VOD)

“Children are left at Grandma’s without smartphones. Real life seems boring, working feels hard. Luckily they find instructions for Kratt — a magical creature from old Estonian mythology who will do whatever its master says. All they have to do now is buy a soul from the Devil. Life stops being boring in a bloody way.”

Retail price of a Devil-owned soul: $6.66. Low hanging fruit. Too easy. I feel somewhat ashamed. Somewhat.

SHADY GROVE / October 25, 2022 (VOD)

“A young couple, Shaina and Mark, attend a music festival with their best friend Elijah on their annual pilgrimage away from their work-heavy city lives. They find a beautiful cabin on a vacation rental app. Everything is perfect except the faint smell of death, only to discover they’re being hunted by figures wearing skinned animal masks.”

Scare BnB — heh. Curious as to what skinned animals were used to make the masks. A free-range donkey? A murder bear? Black Phillip? All of those would spook the rent right outta me. P.S. The smell of death is very similar to asparagus farts.

ALL JACKED UP AND FULL OF WORMS / November 8, 2022 (Screambox)

“Working at a seedy motel, maintenance man Roscoe is always searching for his latest fix. When he stumbles upon a powerfully hallucinogenic worm, his days of dime-store drugs are over. Along with his new love interest, the pair embark on a delirious odyssey of sex, violence, and becoming one with the dirt.”

Hands down the best movie title of the year. I was sold right there, but then they hit me with “powerfully hallucinogenic worm” and “delirious odyssey of sex, violence,” and “becoming one with the dirt.” Looks like someone found my Christmas wish list.

Hell Juice, Drug-Addict Ghosts, Visually-Impaired Zombies

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellboy Tiki Mug

Need something to put your cocktail in that doesn’t make you look like members-only country club snob? Try the new Hellboy Geeki Tikis Mug, available at FYE in mid-March, 2019. And at a non-hellish $19.99, you can afford to class up your glass.

Hellboy

The mug is ceramic, 7.5” tall, and holds an impressive 25 ounces of hell juice. And because it’s important, the mug is dishwasher and microwaveable sage. Whew!

Hellboy

The new Hellboy remake opens on April 12, 2019. The new ad art looks cool. The Hellboy Geeki Tikis Mug looks cool. Drinking from the mug while at the movie would be cool. So while we wait for both to get here, fill your glass with these now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be dishwasher/country club safe…

Dry Blood

DRY BLOOD (available now)
“In a rural mountain town, an unstable drug addict must unravel a surreal murder mystery as he’s terrorized by malevolent ghosts, a deranged sheriff, and the frightening hallucinations from his withdrawal.”

P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Spirits in the Dark

SPIRITS IN THE DARK (2019)
“A lonely widower finds a mysterious video on his computer that leads him to an abandoned town occupied by an ominous entity.”

If you’re a lonely widower, an abandoned town is not a good place to meet new and exciting entities. Might I suggest 7-Eleven™ right around 2AM.

Deadsight

DEADSIGHT (2019)
“A partially blind man and a pregnant policewoman who are thrown together in a fight for survival during a deadly virus outbreak.”

Deadly virus outbreak = zombies. Not partially blind or pregnant zombies, either. These zombies are 100% healthy with healthy appetites. Bon appétit.

Echoes of Fear

ECHOES OF FEAR (2019)
“After inheriting her grandfather’s house, Alysa must confront the mystery of his sudden death and the evil that hides inside.”

Man, these types of horror movie press releases have become as cookie-cutter as the movies themselves. Wonder if the evil this time is salmonella-tainted jars of preserves in the fruit cellar? That also might explain grandpa’s sudden death. Kick out those jams, Mother Smucker.

Future Fashion, Skin It To Win It, Cartoon Cryptid

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Escape From New York

Here’s one for the WTF Files — Sideshow Collectibles is selling an exact replica of the countdown watch Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) wore in the sci-fi classic, Escape From New York (1981). The Lifeclock One Snake Edition Smartwatch Prop Replica made by Ridgewood Watch Co. certainly paid attention to the details. But presumably the watch isn’t loaded with micro-explosives that will rupture your carotid arteries if you fail some sort of mission.

Snake Plissken

From the press release: “The Lifeclock one features a countdown, 22:59’:59” (Hartford Summit configuration only), standard and military time options, the ability to program up to 8 world clocks, display the date in 1 of 5 formats, stopwatch, 18 display animations and 8 character animations. With the app you can access the smartphone camera shutter release, push notifications of incoming and missed calls, voicemails, SMS & iMessage, app notifications (Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Pinterest, LinkedIn, and more to come). The activity monitor tracks steps independent of your smartphone. A customizable daily alarm is also included.”

Escape From New York

That’s a wrist-full. But here’s the real mind-blower — the oversized time piece, which doesn’t go with anything except combat spandex, is $399.00. If you’re so inclined to burn money, order yours by clicking HERE. If not, then here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not rupture your carotid arteries and/or combat spandex…

The Outer Wild

THE OUTER WILD (available now)
“In this post-apocalyptic frontier western, mankind has given way to a new breed of beast, mutated from man. The survivor Laura may be the cure to these mutations but she flees to save herself. Aided by a hunter sent to catch her, she braves the dangerous unnatural wilderness in order to find a fabled refuge of freedom — and only there will she discover the fate of humanity at the end of the world.”

Apparently, this came out in September of the lost year of 2018. I must’ve been doing my laundry and the darn thing went right over my boxed detergent. As for the fabled refuge of freedom, that may be what they call it in the Apocalypse. But in the here and now we call it “7-Eleven™”.

PERFECT SKIN (August 25, 2018/UK | 2019 U.S.)
“This independent British feature film explores tattooing and body modification, and follows Katia, a young Polish woman, and her relationship with a mysterious tattoo artist — taking a dark turn as her fascination with him grows.”

I find the only way to get perfect skin is to use Scrubbing Bubbles™ followed by a moisturizing coat of floor wax. Most brands do the trick. P.S. Don’t do that — you might bump into me and get it all over my KISS t-shirt.

The Intruder

THE INTRUDER (2018/2019)
“A young married couple buy a beautiful Napa Valley home only to find that the man they bought it from refuses to let go of the property…and he slowly terrorizes them.”

The trailer for this one is nut house and goes straight to crazy town. And if you look closely enough, you’ll see nods to The Shining (1980) and Psycho (1960). I proclaim that to be quite cool.

Missing Link

MISSING LINK (April 12, 2019)
Meet Mr. Link: 8 feet tall, 630 lbs, and covered in fur, but don’t let his appearance fool you…he is funny, sweet, and adorably literal, making him the world’s most lovable legend. Tired of living a solitary life in the Pacific Northwest, Mr. Link recruits fearless explorer Sir Lionel Frost to guide him on a journey to find his long-lost relatives in the fabled valley of Shangri-La. Along with adventurer Adelina Fortnight, our fearless trio of explorers encounter more than their fair share of peril as they travel to the far reaches of the world to help their new friend.”

Normally, I wouldn’t beer fever dream of putting up an animated family film for preview, but this one’s about Bigfoot, though they don’t call him that. (Mr. Link? Yeesh.) They also give away his weight. Good thing he’s a dude; if this was a female cryptid, cartoon or not, you’d likely get your face smashed in. A safer way to skirt (sorry) the weight issue is to just say, “Why, no — all that fur doesn’t make you look at all fat.”

Rock Horror Lottery, Time-Traveling Sharks,Trained Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alice Cooper Lottery

As first reported by Bloody-Disgusting.com, horror shock rock icon Alice Cooper is now featured on scratch-to-win Lottery™ tickets in his home state of Arizona. (Probably where he gets his stage snakes. I hear you can practically trip over ’em in Arizona.)

Billion Dollar Babies

The measure of success used to be to get your face on a postal stamp. But being on a Lotto scratch card seems a more appropriate way to honor the rock star who had a hit album called Billion Dollar Babies back in 1973 (way to tie-in, Arizona!), and paved the road for others like Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson by pioneering the theater use of said (live) pythons, dead babies (song title and plastic prop), an onstage guillotine execution, a hangman’s noose, a ride on an electric chair, and tons of horror imagery and zombie stuff.

Alice Cooper

The Alice Cooper Lotto tickets went live in Arizona on August 7, 2018 and will continue to be purchasable through Halloween, 2018. From the press release: “There are six top prizes of $50,000 each, with second-chance prizes that range from Alice Cooper memorabilia to VIP tickets and pre-show party access to the legendary rocker’s annual Christmas Pudding concert.” (Note: The album came with a “billion dollar” bill in the packaging. Been trying to spend it every since. Guess I’ll have to buy more than one microwaved hot dog as it appears 7-Eleven™ just doesn’t appear to have enough correct change.)

Billion Dollar Babies

While we all wait for our turn to have our printed faces scratched off with the edge of a quarter (a penny works, too), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that you may or may not want to scratch off your viewing list…

The Last Sharknado: It's About Time

THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME (August 19, 2018/SyFy™ Channel)
In the sixth and final installment of the series, Fin will travel back in time in a Sharknado-turned-time-machine to resurrect his family by stopping the first sharknado that started it all. In his quest, Fin will fight dinosaurs, knights, cowboys, and, of course, sharks. This time, it’s not a question of how to stop the sharknados — it’s when!”

Gotta give ‘em props for the movie title, as it perfectly sums up the thankful END of one of the most overplayed (and dumb) horror movie franchises of all time. And this coming from a guy who loves shark movies. Looks like they’re gonna go out with style, what with time-travel, dinosaurs, knights, cowboys (just repeating the press release here) and, of course, sharks that fall from the sky like faulty airplanes. Good for them. Now go away.

Lizzie

LIZZIE (September 14, 2018)
Chloë Sevigny stars as Lizzie Borden, the notorious woman at the heart of one of the most enduring mysteries in American history. After a lifetime of loneliness, Lizzie finds a kindred spirit in housemaid Bridget Sullivan (Kristen Stewart) and their secret intimacy sparks an unthinkable act. The movie explores the days leading up to the savage crimes in a dark tale of repression, exploitation and thwarted dreams.”

Lizzie

Back in the good ‘ol days of 1892, Lizzie Borden, the spinster daughter of Andrew Jackson Borden and Sarah Anthony Borden (what are the odds they both have the same last name?), was infamously charged with axe-to-the-head-multiple-times on said husband and wife double murder. Lizzie was arrested as a prime suspect, but later deemed innocent by the court and let go, presumably to open an axe store (poor timing, but good prices from what I hear).

Lizzie Borden

This grisly, unsolved murder led to more than a few movie treatments and remakes over the years. But Lizzie — a women’s spin on the subject — brings a whole new perspective, implying that Lizzie had a girlfriend and they both plotted — and executed (sorry) — the de-parenting. For another interesting look at Lizzie Borden, the Jason Voorhees of the late 1800s, check out Lizzie Borden Took An Axe (2014) with Christina Ricci as the chilling and non-emotional portrayal of the world’s first hacker. Personally, I though it was the mailman who performed the crime, based on absolutely no proof whatsoever. I just trust my gut stuff.

Redcon-1

REDCON-1 (September 28, 2018/UK)
“After a zombie apocalypse spreads from a London prison, the UK is brought to its knees. The spread of the virus is temporarily contained but, without a cure, it’s only a matter of time before it breaks its boundaries and the biggest problem of all…any zombies with combat skills are now enhanced. With the South East of England quarantined from the rest of the world using fortified borders, intelligence finds that the scientist responsible for the outbreak is alive and well in London. With his recovery being the only hope of a cure, a squad of eight Special Forces soldiers is sent on a suicide mission to the city, now ruled by the undead, with a single task: get him out alive within 72 hours by any means necessary. What emerges is an unlikely pairing on a course to save humanity against ever-rising odds.”

So the dead come back to life with all their previous life skills. I guess when it’s my turn to go to the great couch in the sky, I’ll come back LOADED (heh) with years of accrued beer drinking abilities. The world as you know it won’t stand a chance. Sucks to be everybody but me.

Slaughterhouse Rulez

SLAUGHTERHOUSE RULEZ (October 31, 2018/UK | 2018/2019 US)
Slaughterhouse is an elite boarding school where boys and girls are groomed for power and greatness and they’re about to meet their match. Don Wallace, is a wide-eyed new boy from a modest background forced to navigate a baffling new world of arcane rules and rituals, presided by sadistic sixth formers. Matters of status are aggressively enforced and conversation with school goddess Clemsie, are strictly forbidden. But this ancient and ordered world is about to be shaken to its foundations — literally — when a controversial frack site on prize school woodland causes seismic tremors, a mysterious sinkhole and an unspeakable horror is unleashed. Soon a new pecking order will be established as pupils, teachers and the school matron become locked in a bloody battle for survival.”

Holy frack — an unspeakable horror comes out of a resulting sinkhole? I bet the quakes busted the boarding school’s sewer line. P.S. Resist the urge to compare this one with this same-named 2004 short, The Slaughter House Rules. That one was only 13 minutes long and from what I hear, did not feature a busted sewer line spewing liquefied leavings all over everyone’s faces and/or clean shirts. That’d be really icky if they did.

Superhero Cheese, Sober Psychotics, Demonic Stuff

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Venom Cheese

As first reported by Bloody-Disgusting.com, the next time your in Jakarta, Indonesia, make sure the black goo covering your steak/burger/fries is the new Venom Cheese and not something that came out of a septic tank and/or a squatting stray animal out back.

Venom Cheese

Yep, Willie Brothers Steak & Cheese Restaurant (who the heck puts melted cheese instead of ketchup on steaks?) is paying homage to the upcoming Venom movie by making gooey black cheese to garnish their menu items. The black cheese is made of standardized mozzarella mixed with processed activated charcoal. To that I say double ick.

While you go brush your teeth because you just threw up a little, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not leave a black ring around your mouth…

The Mimic

THE MIMIC (June 12, 2018)
“The mother of a missing child takes in a lost girl she finds in the woods and soon begins to wonder if she is even human.”

This one came out in South Korea in August of 2017. I don’t remember that year on that old calendar I found out by the 7-Eleven™ dumpster. It is my fondest wish and dreams that you don’t confuse this Mimic with the same-titled sci-fi flick that came out in 1997. I don’t recall seeing that year on my FREE dumpster calendar as well. That said, I wish I was a mimic. Instead of turning from a creature into a human (already done that), or a creature that can turn into other creatures (done that, too), I’d totally try and get a job as an entertaining mime downtown in order to earn bus fare and/or a new calendar.

The Lighthouse

THE LIGHTHOUSE (July 6, 2018)
“Two men are trapped in an isolated lighthouse, surrounded by the deadly Irish sea, with both their minds ultimately pushed to the limits.”

Water, water everywhere, but not a drop of booze to drink. No wonder they’re being pushed to the limits. I guess rowing to the liquor store never crossed their damaged minds.

Darkness Reigns

DARKNESS REIGNS (July 10, 2018)
“A group of filmmakers shooting a movie in a reportedly haunted hotel are faced with an unfathomable demonic force that possesses and attacks both the crew and the film’s star. Will the film’s director be able to escape with the paranormal proof he has captured, or will he succumb to the hellish plans of the demon who has surfaced?”

Too bad they weren’t filming this in the haunted Overlook Hotel. Then they could call it, I don’t know, The Shining, or something along those lines, and post it on YouTube™ and get lots and lots of likes. Not for the generic title, though.

Extremity

EXTREMITY (2018)
Alison Bell is an emotionally troubled young woman who was once sexually assault by her father. Believing that confronting her trauma might be a means of exorcising her pain, she signs up for a trip to The Manor, in which the only certainty is the promised experience of absolute, unadulterated terror. But the most purely frightening thing on display at The Manor is Allison’s own twisted psyche.

This one sounds f’d up just from the press release. Couldn’t they find another way of making Alison traumatized, like taking away her cell phone for a week or telling her you can’t afford to get her tickets to P!nk, even though you have the money stashed away for far more important things, like binge drinking?

Banshee — Shout It Out Loud

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Banshee!!!

The Banshee is a mythical creature that shrieks so loud your ear drums pop. That’s the good news. The bad news is you have about two seconds to live, as it’ll remove your head and everything else required to make it operate correctly.

Banshee!!!

Teens on a Connecticut camping trip in the small town of Wallingford run afoul of this winged, voluminous gargoyle, which can assume the likeness of its victims. They try running away from it, only to get impaled and gutted, like pre-bacon. Several are given the above treatment while the remaining savory dishes make it to a house that’s gun-guarded by an old man and his rocker son, Rocker. (That’s his real name, and it totally rocks.)

Banshee!!!

The Banshee finishes what it started with everyone else heading in the direction of their own salvation. Points for trying. And Banshee!!! (2008) is a decent try, even though it falls prey to lazy clichés and ham-flavored dialogue. The chicks take off their clearly uncomfortable shirts, but leave their bras on. Party foul.

Banshee!!!

The Banshee, obviously digital and not even remotely close to being real, is corn city. (It’s mouth looks like a hot air vent. Might be good for inflating balloons.) The buffet of blood and bodies, though, are moist, juicy and tender, much like the girls who don’t take off their bras. That’s like getting a delicious 7-Eleven Hot Pocket™ and not being able to get the wrapper off.

End of The World, Heritage Alligators, All Colors Matter

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet X

In a recent AOL.com article written by Lindsay Granger, it appears the YET AGAIN Christian prophesied end of the world is scheduled to happen on April 23, 2018. And how will this come to be? That stinky Planet X is scheduled to usher in the Nibiru cataclysm. Seems kinda mega-harsh. More so when you find learn that ominous space rock doesn’t even have one 7-Eleven™ on it. End of the world, indeed.

The Washington Post wrote that “Planet X’s imminent arrival has been predicted so many times before, in so many newspapers, and its existence has been debunked so thoroughly by NASA, that we are struggling to find anything interesting to say about the latest round of panic and hyperbole.”

Planet X

Hocking a biblical loogie in the face of that, David Meade — a Christian numerologist — insists that on April 23, the sun, moon and Jupiter will align in the constellation Virgo and bring forth the start of biblical rapture. The Daily Express, counters with a nicely placed dick-slap to that theory, saying scientists have dismissed these claims, noting that this alignment occurs once every 12 years. (On that proclamation, the Earth already collided with another planet in 2011’s Melancholia. It was neato.)

Melancholia

IF the end of the world happens on April 23, 2018, I’d better get my laundry done; One should always wear a clean pair of britches to the apocalypse. And while we wait for our impending/un-impending doom, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you rapturous…

Lake Placid: Legacy

LAKE PLACID: LEGACY (May 28, 2018)
“Taking place several years after the events of the original film, Legacy finds the team of young explorers out to reveal the secrets of an area removed from modern day maps and hidden behind electric fences. However, once they reach the center of the lake, they discover an island that harbors an abandoned facility with a horrific legacy: the island is home to a deadly predator eager to feast on those dumb enough to ignore the warnings.”

Even though Lake Placid (1999) became exponentially sillier with each sequel (I’m looking in your direction Lake Placid vs. Anaconda/2015) — you really can’t go wrong with a 30-foot alligator making Scooby snacks out of those who would dip their meaty limbs in his bathtub. So yeah, unbitten thumbs up for this one.

Bad Samaritan

BAD SAMARITAN (May 4, 2018)
“A valet develops a clever scam to burglarize the houses of rich customers. Things go smoothly until he robs the wrong customer, and discovers  a woman being held captive in the home. Afraid of going to prison, he leaves the woman there and makes a call to the police, who find nothing when they investigate. Now, the valet must endure the wrath of the kidnapper who seeks revenge on him, all while desperately trying to find and rescue the captive woman he left behind.”

A criminal with a moral conscious. Quit your day job, dude. Might be a cool twist, though, if he kidnapped the kidnapper. I wouldn’t begin to know what to call that.

Attack of the Adult Babies

ATTACK OF THE ADULT BABIES (June 11, 2018)
“The aftermath of a shocking home invasion forces three frightened family members to break into a remote country manor and steal top secret documents. Little do they know the stately pile is also the clandestine venue where a group of high-powered elderly men go to take refuge from the stresses and strains of daily life by dressing up in nappies and having a bevy of beautiful nurses indulging their every perverse nursery whim. Nor do they realize this grotesque assembly is compelled to refuel the world’s economy by very sinister, sick and monstrous means. As the bodily fluids hit the fan, the bloody carnage and freaky weirdness escalates.”

From early reviews: “Attack of the Adult Babies is disgusting, depraved, brave, bonkers, brilliant and quintessentially British in its humor and depravity.” Sounds like they have all the bases covered, although seeing elderly men in diapers might be a glimpse of my future.

Monochrome

MONOCHROME: THE CHROMISM (2018)
“Traded and sold like currency, the outcast people known as ‘Hues’, are hunted down after turning color in a black and white world.”

A black and white world that starts to turn into technicolor has been done before with 1998’s Pleasantville. That was a comedy. This one sounds more not comedy.

Cleaning Unclean Spirits

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Chronicles of an Exorcism

In a rat hole of a house in the middle of a cornfield, two amateur filmmakers document several priests and a pastor trying to suck the devil out of a nicely tanned and blonde supermodel with hellishly perfect teeth, who’d look more at home in a shampoo commercial than a vomit-splattered bed.

Chronicles of an Exorcism

She floats. She swears. She wears contacts to make her look evil. She gets loose in the corn. If I were possessed, those are exactly the things I’d do, mostly because it looks like fun and not because I’m possessed or anything. Ahem.

Chronicles of an ExorcismTurns out the swimsuit model is possessed by five demons, all of whom the priests had encounters with in other countries (Korea, Eastern Europe, South America, 7-Eleven™). By possessing the girl, these unclean spirits are basically doing the evil version of instant-messaging.

Chronicles of an Exorcism

One of the priests has a secret, which, as you know, is like juicy gossip to a demon. All hand-held camera stuff shot on a budget of what wouldn’t cover one sun tanning session. I don’t know how the priests kept from laughing during the overly long and loudly shouted exorcism. Somebody should’ve told me Chronicles of an Exorcism (2008) was a comedy.

Nightmare Coffee Table, Really Mad Scientist, Sleep Strangler

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Freddy Coffee Table

If you’re like me and wake up everyday thinking, “Man, I wish I had a fully sculpted Freddy Krueger coffee table,” then you’re in luck. Designed by slaughterfx.com.au, you can own this spill-proof masterpiece for a mere $1499.00. (The 600 shipping might cost you your soul, though.)

Freddy Coffee Table

This pics displaying the table’s inherent coolness, are copyrighted by SlaughterFX, so guys, if I posted without permission, let me know and I’ll replace the news piece with things my cat did today. (P.S. I don’t really have a cat; it’s more of a raccoon/rat/seagull hybrid thing I found behind a 7-Eleven™. What was I doing behind a 7-Eleven™? None of your business.

And speaking of business, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made into coffee tables…

Followers

FOLLOWERS (March 23, 2018)
Brooke and Caleb, a social media celebrity couple, are celebrating their special anniversary on a camping trip deep in the woods of sunny Florida. They plan on recording the entire trip for their fans, and Caleb even has a special surprise for her to make this weekend extra special. But they are not alone. Helpless and cut off from all communication, Brooke and Caleb are being followed by Nick and Jake, two aspiring filmmakers hell-bent on filming a documentary on how easy it is to track someone down through social media…and kill them.”

More social media horror designed for younger people hooked on digital relationships instead of analog ones. Then again, sleeping on digital wet spot is no longer a problem — just “unfriend” it.

Higher Power

HIGHER POWER (May 11, 2018)
“When the Universe decides what it wants, it’s pointless to resist. With his family’s life at stake, Joseph Steadman finds himself the unwilling test subject of a maniacal scientist in a battle that could save the world, or destroy it.”

I say do to the world what I’ve been doing to my liver for some time now — destroy it!

Meet The Blacks 2: The House Next Door

MEET THE BLACKS 2: THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR (2018/2019)
Carl Black is an over-stressed best-selling author who moves his family to his childhood home so he can find peace to write his new book. But when an extravagant pimp moves into the neighborhood, Black becomes convinced that the man is actually a vampire bent on stealing his family.”

I Googled™ “extravagant pimp.” They all look like Snoop Dogg. Not a bad role model as Snoop is entirely badass.

Mara

MARA (2018/2019)
“Criminal psychologist Kate Fuller is assigned to the murder of a man who has seemingly been strangled in his sleep by his wife and the only witness is their eight-year-old daughter, Sophie. As Kate digs into the mystery of an ancient demon which kills people in their sleep, she experiences the same petrifying symptoms as all previous victims and spirals through a chilling nightmare to save herself and Sophie before she dares fall asleep again.”

Sleeping men getting strangled by their wives is so commonplace, I’m surprised anyone pays attention. Note to men: do NOT leave the lid up if you value your neck hole.