Godzilla Noodles, Future Pollution, Tropical Cults

Did you know that for a mere $5.99 you can have your face roasted off by Godzilla? That’s a pretty good deal considering the going rate is $14.99. I’m talking, of course, about FYE.com’s™ exclusive sale-priced Godzilla Ghost Pepper Ramen™, which is hotter than Godzilla’s own melt-y breath.

From FYE.com™: “Introducing Godzilla Ghost Pepper Ramen™ — the spiciest and most delicious instant ramen you’ll ever try! This 5-pack includes five individual servings of noodles and broth that are packed with the intense heat of ghost peppers. Each bite of these fiery noodles will send your taste buds into overdrive, providing a bold and flavorful experience that is sure to satisfy even the most discerning spicy food lovers. The ghost pepper, also known as the Bhut Jolokia, is one of the hottest peppers in the world, packing a punch that is sure to make your mouth water.”

Fye.com™ is also suggest pairing the hellishly hot noodles (click here) with a themed Godzilla ramen bowl (click here) and Godzilla chopsticks (click here), though they should be offering Baby Godzilla-sized fire extinguishers. So while we’re gambling grievous bodily harm by consuming this edible version of lava, here are few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not kick your Bhut… 

BLACK KNIGHT / May 12, 2023 (Netflix™)

“In the year 2071 it’s impossible to live without a respirator due to extreme air pollution. With a majority of the Korean peninsula now a wasteland and only one per cent of its original population remaining, delivery drivers play a crucial role in the survival of its inhabitants. The legendary delivery man who goes by the name ‘5-8’ with extraordinary fighting skills meets Sa-wol, a refugee who dreams of becoming a delivery driver, the only hope of refugees.”

It’s like they say about air — it’s no big deal until you’re not getting any.

THE FIRST HARVEST / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After his daughter goes missing, Jerry decides to hunt down the serial killer known as Jay Sullivan. Upon having nightmares of Jay, his wife Emily decides to join in the hunt. Meanwhile, Jay himself struggles with reality. When he makes a bold decision, he risks everything and everyone he loves. In this tribute to ’80s horror, who can survive?”

Okay, this is totally freaky — I have a neighbor in my apartment building named Jay Sullivan. Unassuming, quiet, keeps to himself. Yep, he’s a serial killer.

CURSED WATERS / Pending crowd-funding (VOD)

“After their ship is sunk in a naval battle, a group of pirates flee to a nearby island. However, the island is more than it seems. As they try to evade capture by the Navy they soon find that the island is inhabited by a terrifying cult. What other secrets does this island hold? Can the pirates survive? Can they escape?”

If a terrifying cult lives on an island, who are they trying to be terrifying to — free-range rhesus monkeys? That could backfire in a big way because those dirty things are known for throwing their own leavings at enemies and each other. Super ick.

MALICE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An ancient evil is unleashed upon six people in a cabin that possesses those who are close to death. They must battle against plague and seal it away before it takes them all over.”

There’s an Asian horror movie coming out this year with the same name. In Japan, though, it’s called Akui. That’s the sound I make when I sneeze while watching highly-cliched horror movies.

Ghost Vacuum Cleaner, Satan Recruit, Haunted Breadsticks

Ghostbusters fans have been making their own version of the Proton Pack machine, a sort of vacuum cleaner that sucks up ghosts for recycling, for decades. The enduring popularity of the Proton Pack even got its popularity boosted through the roof when those lawbreaking kids on Stranger Things were shown their own homemade versions to go with their Ghostbusters Halloween costumes. For those of us without engineering skills can now rejoice — Spirit Halloween™ is selling life-size Proton Packs for a not unreasonable $249.99. (They warn that this item is considered oversized and will require an additional shipping fee. Shipping promos are valid, but oversize charge will still apply. This means they’ll find a way to jack the price to wallet busting levels.)

The Ghostbusters Proton Pack comes with embroidered patches and replicas of the oversized black rubber gloves that look suspiciously like the ones my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman, busts my ghosts with. Other non-invasive details: The life-size replica measures 26” high, 15” wide, and 10” deep. The Proton Pack features lights and sounds, three activation modes (power up, power down, and shoot), detachable particle thrower, and adjustable straps. Wear it during weddings, birthdays and non-denominational holidays, but don’t wear it into a bank, or you’ll end up a ghost yourself.

So while we jump on over to Spirit Halloween™ to order one (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not feel like being violated by an oversized rubber glove…

SATAN WANTS YOU / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Satan Wants You tells the untold story of how the Satanic Panic of the 1980s was ignited by Michelle Remembers, a lurid memoir by psychiatrist Larry Pazder and his patient Michelle Smith. Supported by the Catholic™ church, the best-selling book relied on recovered-memory therapy to uncover Michelle’s childhood abduction by baby-stealing satanists. Amplified by law enforcement and America’s daytime TV boom, satanic rumors spread through panic-stricken communities across the world, leaving a wave of destruction and wrongful convictions in their wake. This film digs deep into the roots of moral panics and cult conspiracies, showing how these events still affect and distort our reality today.”

Satan doesn’t want me. Satan hates me, I just know it.

A HAUNTING IN VENICE / September 15, 2023 (Theaters) 

“Now retired and living in self-imposed exile in the world’s most glamorous city, celebrated sleuth, Hercule Poirot reluctantly attends a séance at a decaying, haunted palazzo. When one of the guests is murdered, the detective is thrust into a sinister world of shadows and secrets.”

I thought a palazzo was an entree at Osteria Francescana™. Wonder if it comes with endless bread sticks like they do at Olive Garden™.

SAW X / October 27, 2023 (Theaters)

“A prequel that focuses on Tobin Bell’s character as Jigsaw.”

Thought they already did that, so this is all so…puzzling. Heh.

TWISTED METAL / Release pending 2023 (Peacock™)

“A motor-mouthed outsider is offered a chance at a better life, but only if he can successfully deliver a mysterious package across a post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

The comedy sci-fi series is based on a 1995 video game of the same name. I never played video games as I was too busy playing happily in my own post-apocalyptic wasteland: dive bars.

Drinkin’ & Drive-in, Indian-American Demon, Bathroom Horror

During my long forgotten youth, many of the horror movies I saw were at the drive-in, the inspiration for this blog’s clever title. This was because drive-ins were a lot cheaper than going to the movie theaters and you could smuggle in your own popcorn, which my parental figures did. (I smuggled in beer when I got old enough, which was around age seven.) But now you can relive the glory days of horror movies at the drive-in with A Cut Below: A Celebration of B Horror Movies, 1950s – 1980s, an upcoming book by horror movie fanatic, Scott Debrit.

Scott writes about retro horror/sci-fi in his column Drive-in Dust Offs on DailyDead.com, so he’s more than qualified to author a book based on his vast knowledge of the genre. As opposed to me, having written over 3,000 blogs about horror/sci-fi and managing to contribute absolutely nothing new. I should write a book about that.

A Cut Below: A Celebration of B Horror Movies, 1950s – 1980s is scheduled for release by McFarland Books™ on August 2, 2023. Pre-order it here. And while you do that instead of ready anymore of my shocking lack of insight (see below), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be better with smuggled beer… 

DARK NATURE / Release pending May 2023 (Select Theaters, VOD)

“Joy, a survivor of an abusive relationship, joins her friend Carmen and her therapy group on an isolated weekend retreat in the Canadian Rockies. Led by the enigmatic Dr. Dunnley, whose methods are experimental and, at times, dubious from Joy’s outside perspective, the experience eventually shatters the border between reality and delusion. Joy begins to suspect that they are being stalked by her abuser, when in truth, the entire group will be forced to confront a monstrous entity more terrifying than the ghosts of their pasts.”

Probably a bear.

FOLLOW HER / June 2, 2023 (VOD)

Struggling actress and live-streamer Jess Peters, known to her online followers as J-PEEPS, has finally found her hook: Secretly filming creepy interactions she encounters via online job listings, and using the kinks of others to fuel her streaming success. For her next episode, she’s been hired to write the ending of a screenplay in a remote, lavish cabin. Once there, Tom, the alluring self-proclaimed screenwriter, hands her a script in which the two of them are the main characters. This client isn’t what he seems, and even though the money’s great, the real payment here could cost her life.”

I do a lot of live streaming myself — in the bathroom. Turns out I’m not an influencer as everybody does the same thing. So much for parlaying that into a source of passive income.

IT LIVES INSIDE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An Indian-American teenager struggling with her cultural identity has a falling out with her former best friend and, in the process, unwittingly releases a demonic entity that grows stronger by feeding on her loneliness.”

Call it what it is — a demonic entity that grows stronger by feeding on loneliness = social media.

THE CAREGIVER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)
“Running away from her abusive stepfather, Emma decided to go to the city. She takes a job as a caregiver to Mrs. Belov, a senile old woman. Strange things start happening in the house and she begins to hear unusual sounds from the basement. What Emma doesn’t know is that the house hides a terrifying secret. Emma will do the impossible to get out of that house of hell.”

It wasn’t the basement Emma was hearing unusual sounds, it was the bathroom. And the sounds weren’t all that unusual. Unless you were in the “water closets” designated as the Tug Tavern’s restrooms. The sounds emanating from there were not of this Earth.

Monster Mercenary, Boogey Girl, Man of the Moth

The Witcher, a Netflix™ made-for TV adaptation of the book series by Polish writer Andrzej Sapkowski (that’s a really hard name to spell correctly on the first try), premiered December 20, 2019 and became a raging global success. It starred Superman as Geralt of Rivia, a medieval mutated monster-hunter for hire, and prominently featured a lot of sex and naked stuff, violencings, bloodenings, carnage asada and overall wholesome good times. Now we’re getting a third season (eight episodes) this summer, which I believe is sometime this year. I’ll double check.

Here’s the official word from Netflix™ as to what we’re promised for season 3: “As monarchs, mages, and beasts of the Continent compete to capture her, Geralt takes Ciri of Cintra into hiding, determined to protect his newly-reunited family against those who threaten to destroy it. Entrusted with Ciri’s magical training, Yennefer leads them to the protected fortress of Aretuza, where she hopes to discover more about the girl’s untapped powers; instead, they discover they’ve landed in a battlefield of political corruption, dark magic, and treachery. They must fight back, put everything on the line — or risk losing each other forever.”

I hope The Witcher season 3 keeps its foot on the nudity gas pedal, which I feel is important to the overall story arc. Other than that, looking forward to more die-kill-bleed monsters and swords gently removing heads from bodies. So while we all wait for its premier, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature political corruption, dark magic, treachery…and nudity…

COUNTRY OF HOTELS / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“Desperate souls pass through the doors of 508, a room on the fifth floor of an anonymous, decaying hotel. They are taken on a surreal and blackly comic journey down its lonely corridors and behind its outdated furnishings and stained surfaces. The story plunges us into the ever-turning carousel of haunted lives who check in and out of this sinister establishment.”

Decaying rooms…outdated furnishings…stained surfaces. Did someone film a movie in my apartment whilst I was out enjoying multiple refreshing adult beverages?

BAD GIRL BOOGEY / July 4, 2023 (VOD)

“Angel’s mother was brutally murdered one Halloween night, when blood was shed by a deranged killer wearing a parasitic mask cursed with black magic and bigotry. Sixteen years later, when Angel’s best friend is slaughtered by a killer with the same mask, she must overcome her personal struggles, fight her fear, and find the masked killer before he — or it — slaughters everyone she holds dear.”

What the hell is a parasitic mask? Haven’t anyone heard of disinfectants? I get the black magic curse, but bigotry? Given how most people in this world are bigots, that seems pretty redundant.

WRONG REASONS / August 15, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“An ambiguously intentioned masked man kidnaps a drug addicted punk rock singer and triggers a police investigation headed by Detective Charles Dobsonas well as a media circus.”

Punk rockers do drugs? I thought they could barely afford soap, let alone pricey non-prescription opiates.

PROJECT MOTHMAN / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

No plot yet, but I’m theorizing it’ll have some sort of moth-like man, or man-like moth. Pretty sure I just landed on it.

Naked Scream Queen, Sunken Horror, Bad Breath Witch

Night of the Demons premiered in 1988, instantly becoming a modern horror classic and further cementing star Linnea Quigley’s status as a scream queen icon. And it had absolutely nothing to do with her topless scene and where she applied her lipstick. Ahem. Historical note: Linnea’s full frontal naked dance scene on a grave in 1985’s Return of the Living Dead as Trash, a punk rocker with safety pins where safety pins shouldn’t be used, caused many a rewind moment in VHS history.

Now you can relive Night of the Demons in its unrated form — hosted by Linnea — during its 35th anniversary screening on Friday, April 28 at the Capitol Theatre in Arlington, MA. And tickets are only $10. That can buy a lot of lipstick. Linnea will be on hand to introduce the film and participate in a post-screening Q&A. I can see hands going up as we speak.

So while we re-watch Return of the Living Dead and then pull up our pants during the end credits, here are a few out now horror movies that may or may not need you to wash up after viewing…

PILLOW PARTY MASSACRE / Out now (VOD)

“Five girls, five best friends, all haunted by their past mistakes of an April Fools prank gone fatally wrong, meet again after two years for a summer week long getaway in the woods to reconnect and reconcile.”

The similarly-titled Slumber Party Massacre (1982) immediately came to mind, in which a serial killer with a phallic power drill goes after scantily-clad girls debating world politics and make-up tips during a sleepover. I don’t think Pillow Party Massacre has any politics in it.

TITANIC 666 / Out now (Tubi™)

“Dark forces from the deep rise to the surface, terrorizing all aboard from Titanic III and threatens to repeat one of history’s greatest disasters.”

Last words heard on board the Titanic: “Would you like more ice in your drink?” Last words heard on Titanic III: “Think anybody’s gonna watch this disaster?”

FORGIVENESS / Out now (VOD)

“Three women mysteriously wake up in a hospital and discover that one of them is deaf, one is mute and the other one is blind; together they will have to figure out why they are there and how to get out.”

See no doctor bills, hear no doctor bills, pay no doctor bills.

PANTAFA / Out now (VOD)

“Marta and her daughter Nina move to Malanotte, a small mountain village. The little girl has been suffering from hypnagogic paralysis for some time, a sleep disorder which can lead to hallucinatory states, and Marta thought that a bit of mountain air and distance from the frenetic rhythm of city life might benefit the little girl. However, the house they move into is anything but welcoming, and children are never seen playing in the streets of Malanotte. Nina’s symptoms begin to worsen from the very first night in the new house, and the little girl has more and more vivid nightmares in which a ghostly figure sits on her chest, immobilizes her and steals her breath. For Marta, a single mother in a place she finds increasingly sinister, it will become harder every day to know what is best for her child.”

If a ghost woman wants to sit on my chest, she’ll have to buy me a drink first.

Gigantic Empire, Behind The Nightmare, Board With Sharks

After much speculation and ballyhoo (sorry — word of the day calendar), the OFFICIAL title for the next Godzilla/Kong movie is…Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire. Not sure what the “x” stands for, though given their newfound BFF status at the end of Godzilla vs. Kong (2021), they should title the movie, Godzilla xoxo Kong: The New Empire.

The 30 second teaser trailer shows a sinewy Kong sitting on his throne, throwing out his infamous “frowning of a lifetime glare,” while the scene pulls back over a sea of kaiju bones, culminating in two mega gigantic skulls formerly belonging to a previous Godzilla and Kong. Or maybe they are the bone-y remains of the current Godzilla and Kong and the Kong sitting on the throne is a new one. Or maybe I should just shut up and wait for the movie to find out, which is targeted to Imax™ and non-Imax™ screens on March 15, 2024.

Regardless, pant-tingling news for Godzilla and Kong fans, of which I am one. More tingles: there’s also a Skull Island anime series coming to Netflix™ and a live-action Godzilla and the Titans series coming to Apple TV+™ with Kurt Russell. I need to go do a load of laundry right now.

So while we IMPATIENTLY wait for March 15, 2024, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make your pants tingle…

HELLO HORROR / Out now (Screambox™, Bloody Disgusting TV)

“Hello Horror, featuring Vanessa Decker, Ryan Valdez, and Jones Bones, is a genre variety show that covers the spooky community – everything from red carpets, museums, cocktails, events, games, plus more. Vanessa and her crew take the audience on adventures, shining a light on the amazing community the genre has generated.”

I would like to drink a cocktail while standing on a red carpet in a museum. Just as long as there’s a bathroom close by because, hey, cocktails.

HOLLYWOOD, DREAMS & NIGHTMARES: THE ROBERT ENGLUND STORY / June 6, 2023 (Screambox™)

“Featuring interviews with Robert Englund and his wife Nancy, as well as fellow genre icons Lin Shaye, Eli Roth, Kane Hodder, Tony Todd, Adam Green, Bill Moseley, Heather Langenkamp and more, the documentary follows Englund’s career from his early days in Buster and Billie and Stay Hungry (starring with Arnold Schwarzenegger) to his big break in the 1980s as Freddy Krueger, to his directorial debut with the 1988 horror film 976-EVIL to his iconic acting status in current roles such as Netflix’s™ hit series, Stranger Things. With each new film in the series, Englund’s status as an icon grew until he became one of the most recognizable names in horror. Grossing over $450M at the box office, the Nightmare franchise has shown itself to be one of the most prolific in horror history. Spawning, merchandise, a television series and a 2010 remake, Englund’s influence continues to ripple across the genre.”

I saw each of the nine Freddy Krueger movie seven times each. So I’m responsible for at least $50 million of his box office take. (Note to Sir Englund: I need a receipt for my taxes — I’m writing it off as gambling losses. 

THE HORROR OF DELORES ROACH / July 7, 2023 (Amazon™ Original Series) 

“The Horror of Dolores Roach is based on the hit Gimlet podcast. The eight-episode, half-hour series is a contemporary Sweeney Todd-inspired tale, a macabre urban legend of love, betrayal, weed, gentrification, cannibalism, and survival of the fittest.”

Delores Roach. I hear she…bugs…a lot of people. Comedy gold, right there.

OUIJA SHARK 2 / July 25, 2023 (VOD), August 15, 2023 (DVD, Blu-ray)

“When the Ouija Shark emerges from Hell to cause havoc once more on earth, a sorcerer with a history of fighting the ghostly great white must follow it into a multiverse hellscape for one final battle. But this time he is bringing along some friends to help send the shark into oblivion.”

Maybe the sorcerer can conjure Quint from the dead to assist. He deserves punitive justice after Jaws ate him in half back in the Seventies. That was so mean of Jaws to do that.

Hellish Accommodations, Accidental UFOs, Ghost With Three Names

Hotel Hell is an AI-generated travelers lodging and, if it were real, could very well usurp Hilton’s Curio Collection™ as THE place to stay while visiting downtown Portland, OR or Purgatory (same thing). As iHorror.com™ perfectly sums it up, “With its spacious Satanic-themed lobby and Baphomet bedrooms, this hotel seems as if it were designed to accommodate the demons in all of us.” Wonder if the hotel offers free Necronomicon bibles (preferably first edition) in their nightstands?

Digitally designed by Ink Poisoning™ Apparel (who have a line of must-have evil clothing — follow ‘em on Instagram™), they describe it thusly: “We offer the worst accommodations imaginable, from cramped rooms, broken furniture, and an over heated pool. At Hotel Hell, the wicked are subjected to eternal suffering and torment. They are punished for their sins and denied any chance of redemption or escape. They are tortured and tormented in a variety of ways, from physical pain to psychological anguish. They are also denied any chance of rest or respite, as they are doomed to suffer for all eternity. So come and experience the ultimate in misery and despair at Hotel Hell!”

This place needs to be crowd-funded right now. So while we all drain the tens of dollars from our life savings to make it happen, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not be as nightmarish as Hilton’s Curio Collection™… 

ACCIDENTAL TRUTH — UFO REVELATIONS / Out now (VOD)

“The truth can no longer be contained by those duty-bound to hide it. Officials who interact with the public regarding the UFO question openly acknowledge that they know things that they can’t reveal. In Accidental Truth — UFO Revelations, the reality of an advanced intelligence engaging with humanity becomes undeniably clear.”

This always cracks me up —“advanced intelligence engaging with humanity.” This is like saying extraterrestrials think we’re a bunch of Netscape 3 level dumbasses. Okay they’re not wrong. But geez, there’s no need to rub it in our Netscaped faces.

INSIDIOUS: THE RED DOOR / July 7, 2023 (Theaters)

“A direct sequel to the first two movies, the story is set 10 years after the end of Insidious 2, where Josh Lambert heads east to drop off his son Dalton at an idyllic, ivy-covered university. However, Dalton’s college dream becomes a nightmare when the repressed demons of his past suddenly return to haunt them both.”

So this is the third title treatment given to an otherwise “meh” ghost’d franchise, the first two being Insidious: The Dark Realm and Insidious: Fear of the Dark, all of which suck in a sucky sort of way. P.S. I posted about this on December 2, 2022. The seas were rough that day and I had long since forgotten where I left my pants…

CRATER / May 12, 2023 (Disney+™)

“After the death of his father, a boy growing up on a lunar mining colony takes a trip to explore a legendary crater, along with his four best friends, prior to being permanently relocated to another planet.”

Ugh. Teen sci-fi. Still, it begs the question: why do meteors always seem to land in craters? I probably used that joke here before. Hey, if it ain’t broke…

NIGHT EXPLORERS: THE ASYLUM / Release pending 2023/2024

“When a group of urban explorers get the chance of a lifetime to explore one of the world’s most haunted asylums, they encounter something truly evil, that will not let them leave and will push them to the edge of sanity.”

I Goggle’d™ “world’s most haunted asylum” and it came up, “The Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum in Weston, WV is widely regarded as one of the world’s most haunted places. It was built in the 1800s during the Civil War and contains a lot of secrets from that time until its closing in 1994.” And here all this time I thought it was the Tug Tavern. Now I’m super confused. Again.

Camping With Killers, Murder Creatures, Cult Crazies

The cult horror classic Sleepaway Camp, a Friday the 13th photocopy, came out in 1983 and has one of the most shocking “didn’t see that coming” endings in horror movie history. Two other notes of interest: Sleepaway Camp was released as Nightmare Vacation in England, and Anchor Bay Entertainment™, who reissued the movie as a four-disc box set, was cease and desisted by the Red Cross™ for the use of their globally-recognized medical red cross symbol on the box cover. Note of no interest: Sleepaway Camp was followed by four sequels, Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988), Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland (1989), Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008), and Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor (2012).

Now, thanks to On Set Cinema™, you can attend a screening of the movie where it was filmed. From the press release: “Join On Set Cinema™ in Argyle, NY this summer where Camp Arawak once stood for a very special screening event for the 1983 slasher cult classic, Sleepaway Camp. Nearly the entire movie was filmed at this location. They will be doing two back-to-back events — Monday, June 19th & Tuesday, June 20th, 2023.”

“Fans will enjoy an entire day at the former camp — there will be swimming and kayaking in the lake where a ton of scenes in the movie took place (watch out for Kenny’s body), a filming locations walking tour, a screening of the movie where the infamous Angela ending took place and overnight tent camping to get the full Sleepaway Camp experience! Get tickets here.”

So while we pack up our sleeping bags and slasher repellent and head to Camp Arawak, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have an ending that’s as messed up as Sleepaway Camp…

SHIFTED / April 18, 2023 (Screambox™)

“As murderous creatures ravage the outside, a group of neighbors take refuge in an isolated house. Their relief is short-lived as a sinister secret hides within those walls, and they become the prey of a serial killer hidden among them. As supplies dwindle and paranoia grows, they are left to wonder who will survive when the world has…shifted.”

They don’t explain who/what the murderous creatures are, but I’m thinkin’ Republicans.

TOTEM CHASER / May 3, 2023 (Brooklyn, NY premier), Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A video crew seeks the truth of the paranormal. A cult priestess lures them to be unwitting sacrifices, while they believe this is the haunted house that will bring them fame and fortune. When they find themselves in too deep, it’s a race against time for the video crew to stop the embodiment of a demonic god — or feed their flesh to the Totem Cult.”

Cult priestess…haunted house…human sacrifice…demonic god. There are worse things to do on a Saturday night.

THE THIRD SATURDAY IN OCTOBER PART 1 / May 5, 2023 (VOD)

“October 1979. Ricky Dean is a man on a mission. Years ago, he lost a child at the hands of a psychopathic killer named Jakkariah Harding. When Harding escapes Death Row, Ricky throws himself into the line of fire to stop him from killing again as Harding preys upon a group of friends gathered to watch a college football game.”

Lots of other events happened in October of 1979: The U.S. returned the Canal Zone to Panama (about freakin’ time), Mother Teresa was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize and was awarded $192,000.00 (she gave it to the poor instead of letting it ride on red at the casinos), and “My Sharona” by acid jazz pop rockers The Knack falls from the #1 spot on Billboard™ after ruling the radio for six weeks. Being a psychopathic killer back then kinda pales in comparison.

THE THIRD SATURDAY IN OCTOBER PART V / May 5, 2023 (VOD)

“Unstoppable killer Jakkariah “Jack” Harding is back in town after seven years, as he stalks and kills at random before chancing upon a football watch party. The game is, of course, between longstanding rivals the Alabama-Mobile Seahawks and Tennessee A&M Commonwealth. Chaos ensues, in increasingly ridiculous fashion, with inventive murders and multiple love triangles. Hearts are broken and appendages are torn.”

Don’t let the Part V fool you — Part II, III and IV do not exist, so this is the sequel to Part I. Confusing, but not as confusing as the fake football teams (Alabama-Mobile Seahawks?) and why the killer only targets people watching said football games. Heaven help us if Jakkariah catches anyone watching the Cornhole Olympics on ESPN™.

Unused Worms, Skulking Skinwalkers, Halloween Miscreants

Tremors is a movie about giant, sightless worm-y creatures called Graboids that live underground and can find and swallow you whole you when they sense you stomping around. (Hear that, lead-footed upstairs neighbor?) It came out in 1990 and spawned six sequels and a 13-episode TV series back in March of 2003. I watched all of them, because that’s what I do.

The poster art for the movie was an homage to Jaws (see below). But legendary master artist Drew Struzan worked up two concepts that were never used. Here are his mock ups — I added the typography from the original poster so you can see how it might’ve looked, with apologies to Sir Struzan for taking such audacious liberties with his art.

You’ve seen Struzan’s work for decades, but probably didn’t know it. He’s done tons of illustrations for movies (Back To The Future, Big Trouble In Little China, Hellboy, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, The Thing, The Goonies, Indiana Jones, the Harry Potter franchise, and more), as well as art for U.S. stamps, The Legends of Hollywood and Alice Cooper’s Welcome To My Nightmare (1975) cover art. So yeah, at the very least he should be given sainthood.

So while we all walk a little more softly so we don’t get consumed by those stinkified Graboid monsters, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong underground surrounded by giant worms…

FOREST OF DEATH / Out now (VOD)

“As friends settle down in their remote cabin for a relaxing weekend, a skinwalker prowls outside, waiting to strike. The friends quickly realize that their carefree getaway has turned into a nightmare. As the night wears on, they must face the horror stalking them and fight for their lives.”

A skinwalker is a harm-intending shapeshifter that can turn itself into an animal and walk (and sometimes dance) on all fours. This can easily be achieved by drinking a case of Steel Reserve™. 

WICKED GAMES / April 18, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“When Harley joins her boyfriend for a Halloween weekend at his family’s estate, they’re invaded by a band of masked freaks and forced into playing a game. But the intruders don’t know that Harley is ready to fight back with her own tricks.”

Lots of people wear masks on Halloween. That’s no reason to call them freaks, you insensitive b-holes.

THE LAST BOY ON EARTH / Release pending 2023/2024

“In a distant future, an enigmatic boy becomes the central figure in the search for a new hope. Who is this kid? Why is everyone looking for it? Sometimes it is better not to know certain answers.”

There are kids in the future? Crap.

INNER CHILD / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“College freshman Cassie deals with the aftermath of cutting ties with her toxic family. Cassie has been battling with a lot of self-doubts with her choices; however, it is this same reoccurring nightmare every morning that keeps her on edge. When this particular nightmare becomes too real, taking over her physically, she reaches out to her therapist, Dr. Reid. Cassie hopes to find some answers and put an end to her night terrors.”

My reoccurring nightmare every morning is having to get up.

Sell-Out Horror, Digital Zombies, Haunted Caregiver

The awesomely awesome Bottleneck Gallery (bottleneckgallery.com), dealers in limited edition, spectacular horror/sci-fi art, might have set a record with artist Andrew Rowland’s take on The Shining — all three variants of the art sold out mere moments after they went on sale. Priced from $40 to $60, these giclee prints blew out in less time than it takes to write “redrum” in lipstick on the bathroom door (You got that, right?)

The trick to get in on these exclusive on-sales is to sign up for their newsletter. They give you fair warning of upcoming art going on sale. But you gotta be quick on the click — BNG’s art sales almost always sells out within hours of announcing. Just like Taco Tuesdays at the Tug Tavern — $1.00. (If you can actually get it down your throat, it’s a pretty sweet deal.)

Here are a few more stunningly stunning art pieces on Bottleneck’s website. Call in sick so as to not work and get on their website to see why their curated art is in such high demand. Like $1.00 tacos. And while you do that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as indigestible as a Tug Tavern taco… 

TALK TO ME / July 28, 2023 (Theaters)

“A group of friends discover how to conjure spirits using an embalmed hand. They become hooked on the new thrill, until one of them goes too far and unleashes terrifying supernatural forces.”

You don’t need an embalmed hand to conjure spirits — just order ‘em off the Internet. Free shipping if you order two or more.

RESIDENT EVIL: DEATH ISLAND / Release pending summer 2023 (VOD)

“D.S.O. Agent Leon S. Kennedy is on a mission to rescue Dr. Antonio Taylor from kidnappers, when a mysterious woman thwarts his pursuit. Meanwhile, B.S.A.A. Agent Chris Redfield is investigating a zombie outbreak in San Francisco, where the cause of the infection cannot be identified. The only thing the victims have in common is that they all visited Alcatraz Island recently. Following that clue, Chris and his team head to the island, where a new horror awaits them.”

Even though this is an animated movie, if it’s anything like the trailer, then digital or not, this thing brings on the zombie carnage. (Zombie carnage — sounds like a cool name for an all-you-can-eat buffet.)

THE RUSE / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“When an in-home caregiver assigned to an elderly patient mysteriously vanishes, Dale is quickly sent as a replacement nurse. Dale rushes to the remote seaside home, only to find herself in the middle of chaos. Forced to deal with an unruly patient, mysterious neighbors, and terrifying supernatural occurrences that seem to plague the home. Is the house haunted? Or is something even more malevolent to blame? As the walls close in, unsure who she can trust, Dale fears for her life and that of her patient. But can we trust Dale?”

They had me at unruly patient.

EXHIBIT #8 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Bosnian-born Aisha and cameraman Elias team up to shoot a documentary on the mysterious disappearance of Aisha’s brother, they cross paths with another film crew, who are creating an even more sinister narrative.”

This came out in June 1,2022 in the Netherlands, wherever that is. Then it showed up at a Portugal film festival in March of 2023. I couldn’t find a bus that went there, so I missed it. Now it’s going to be at YET ANOTHER film festival on April 14, 2023. In Brazil. I am so done with trying to find buses with decipherable connecting routes to get me there.