Horror Massacre’d

The suggestive noun “massacre” – a 1580s, French word meaning “wholesale slaughter, carnage” – first got its Broadway movie marquee worthy start in 1974 with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Few, if any horror movies, has ever had a better title. You didn’t even need to see it as the name said it all and gave you nightmares in your pants.

This set off a series of horror movies using that highly marketable buzzword, including The Slumber Party Massacre (1982), Sorority House Massacre (1986), Nail Gun Massacre (1985), Swingers Massacre (1975), Drive-in Massacre (1977), and my fav, Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre (aka, Harpoon/2009). P.S. No whales were massacred during the filming of said movie – just endangered people.

Now, because it just seems right, “massacre” is making a comeback, despite the evening news tarnishing its reputation. Three new horror movies – Garden Party Massacre, The Funhouse Massacre and Sheborg Massacre, all have imminent release dates as it pertains to the calendar you’re looking at on your smartass phone.

Here’s press release sales pitches as to why you might let these movies massacre your wallet…

GARDEN PARTY MASSACRE
A fast-paced, hilarious romp in the vein of Shaun of the Dead (2004) and Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010), telling the tale of a backyard gathering of friends that goes horribly awry when an unexpected guest arrives. With a pickax. And an attitude.

THE FUNHOUSE MASSACRE
Six of the worlds scariest psychopaths escape from a local asylum and proceed to unleash terror on the unsuspecting crowd of a Halloween Funhouse whose themed mazes are inspired by their various reigns of terror.

SHEBORG MASSACRE
When an alien fugitive crash lands into a local puppy farm and begins turning people into machines that feed on puppy flesh, Dylan – a self styled tough girl and punk activist — has to decide if she believes in any cause enough to risk her life, take on the SheBorg menace, and save the world.

All three sound pretty cool. Doubtful they’ll instill as much horifying impact as the evening news, though. Thanks, mainstream media, for desensitizing me. Now all I do is laugh when watching horror movies. We weren’t supposed to do that.

Go To Hell

Wanna go to Hell? It’s located in Hollywood, as if that was a big surprise. The upside of this is you’ll get to see the film short Hellraiser: Origins, the trailer of which has been languishing around for some time in the other Hell: the Internet.

Too bad H:O didn’t get made into a full movie; the re-imagined look of Pinhead (kind of like the Ed Sullivan of horror icons) is cooler than, uh, Hell. But you can see the rest of it at HollyShorts Film Festival tonight at the TCL Chinese 6 Theatres at 9PM. I’d go but Hollywood is scarier than Hell.

Hellraiser: Origins was an ignored high-concept pitch to get made into a full-length re-casting of the 1987 classic Hellraiser, the lame sequels of which were an unfortunate byproduct of the original film’s huge success. You can read more about ‘em in the book The Hellraiser Films and their Legacy (2006) by Paul Kane. Unfortunately, the book does not contain any reference and/or pictures of me, despite my life being a living hell, and that I’ve been referred to as a “pinhead” by more than one grocery clerk.

Boy Horror

In yet another dazzling display of laziness, the horror lite movie The Boy arrives January 22, 2016. Looking to do the dude version of the evil doll in The Conjuring (2013) and its pointless spin-off Annabelle (2014), the ONLY thing this movie has going for it is that it features The Walking Dead hottie Lauren Cohan, aka “Maggie.”

So Lauren/Maggie plays an American nanny hired to tend to a mansion-owning crusty old British couple’s young boy. Yeah, it’s pretty much a life-size wooden doll all decked out in Sunday knickers and combed hair. But this boy doll comes with a laundry list of strict “don’t do’s,” all of which Lauren/Maggie does because, hey, American – we do what we want.

Once the rules go out the door, the doll comes to life and tries to feel her up. Okay, not really try to feel her up. That’s just what I’d do if I were a reanimated demon doll with a wooden crotch.

Less ye forget, Another “horror” move with the same title came out in March of 2015. This The Boy stars an isolated, motherless kid (she abandoned him and the hubby) who is “unchecked by the bounds of parenting, friendship, or affection. Its here his fascination with death awakens.” FYI: The trailer for this one is really creep-tacular.

P.S. They’re sandpapering Annabelle 2 as of this posting. Two back-to-back star vehicles. Man, that evil doll must have a good agent.

Zombie Croc: Reanimated Reptile

In horror movies, crocodiles, or “alligators,” have been super-sized, mechanized and man-made to terrorize for our viewing pleasure. But when was the last time you saw a walking dead gator? Now you can with the release of Zombie Croc, billing itself as 35 feet of undead reptilian terror. Only thing missing is some drunk rednecks with shotguns and…oh, wait…

The best way to bring a crocodile back from the dead is with voodoo. I know what you’re thinking; what about a space virus or secret government/military powdered gas or sweet refreshing pollution? Those things cost money. Voodoo is practically free – just yammer out a bunch of nonsensical curse words, shake some bones (not your own, you pervs), and get this party started.

Speaking of parties, the voodoo-risen zombie croc crashes a birthday party and chomps down all the screaming desserts. Earlier he ate a clown hired to perform at said box social. He said the clown tasted funny. (Heh.)

Zombie Croc (also listed as A Zombie Croc as well – not sure why) was screened in July of 2015 at a party I wasn’t invited to. (That’s ok; I sent zombie croc in my place.) When will ZC be commercially released to fulfill your low-budget horror comedy needs? Dunno. Their movie’s Facebook™ page is as weak as the storyline.

French Sex Vampires

If you’re a criminal on the run and looking for a place to hide, a castle full of naked vampire chicks that have blood-drinking sex parties might be a suitable choice. Such is the plot of the French R-rated horror movie, Fascination (1979), which stars Brigitte Lahaie, a legitimate porn star. She earned her cred the hard way. Um, no pun intended.

It’s 1905 and two high-steppin’ Paris gals go shopping, lock lips and stop by the local slaughterhouse to drink ox blood from glasses with pinky extended. They claim to have severe anemia. All vampires do, I’d reckon. Eventually tiring of cow ketchup, they move up to people, specifically men. This creates a convenient dinner solution when a gold-coin carrying thief running from other thieves who want the gold coins seeks refuge in the ladies’ porn palace.

While hiding his hide, he bares his hide with a little horizontal romance action with one of the gals. Good way to pass the time before the arrival of the marchioness (a snooty woman with the paper rank of a marquess) and her “servants.” When they get to the castle they have a party with the criminal being the only guy, bobbing up and down in a sea of boobies.

The vamps want his blood, but one of the gals, who finds him attractive, helps him escape before this becomes a draining experience. What to do but to quench their eternal thirst by sucking the joy juice out of one of the party girls. How b*tchy.

The criminal finally gets a taste of justice when he gets shot by the very same gal who had a weekend crush on him, but changed her mind at the last minute and hooks up with the marchioness. If you know girls like that, run away.

As mentioned a bunch of words ago, Brigitte Lahaie stars as one of the lesbian vampires. While there is copious amounts of front to back/head to toe nudity, nothing explicit is shown in the ways of well-lit nature. For all I know they could’ve been faking those sex scenes. Bummer.

Paranormal Training Bra

Need a Halloween fix? Well, tie off horror junkies because here’s two new ones for you…

First up is a comedy horror movie that pays homage to horror movies that ripped off other horror movies. My head hurts. Caesar and Otto’s Paranormal Halloween, releasing October 27, 2015, gives a laugh-shaped mouth shout-out to the pop ghostly culture likes of Insidious (2010), The Conjuring (2013), Amityville Horror (1979), Sinister (2012), and Paranormal Activity (2007). Kind of redundant as all those movies are full of funny stuff, intended or not.

If you haven’t seen the trailer for Caesar and Otto’s Paranormal Halloween, here’s what materializes…

“It’s Halloween Eve and Caesar and Otto find themselves house-sitting for the world’s most unpopular Governor, Jerry Grayson. But after a series of ghostly visions, strange phenomenon and a demonic possession, the half-brothers call upon renowned exorcist Father Jason Stieger to help put a stop to this new nightmare. But in this house, nothing is what it seems and everyone is fair game for the mysterious forces at work…”

Who hires guys to house sit? That in itself is kinda scary, especially if there’s an unattended liquor cabinet full of spirits waiting to be released. Heh.

Next is Out There In The Dark (2015), a ’tweener “horror” movie, starring two young teens gals who use their cell phones to try and Scooby-Doo a ghost in a big mansion. Thus: After visiting a haunted house, two teenage girls are plagued by supernatural phenomena that lead them to uncover a chilling secret.”

I bet the chilling secret is they discover why they call ’em training bras.

Psycho Santas and Evil Monkeys

Good Tidings, a psycho slasher Christmas movie, is scheduled for release in December of 2016. Confused as to why they’re advertising it now in October of 2015 when Christmas is just mere weeks away. (Have you picked out what you’re getting me yet? I take anything in a size 40 oz.)

What waiting will yield: “A homeless war veteran with a chequered past must rely on a side of himself once thought buried when he and his companions are targeted by three vicious psychopaths wearing Santa suits on Christmas Day.”

Psychopaths wearing Santa suits – has the world gone mad? That’s just not cool, man. Yeah, it’s been done dozens of holidays before. But that doesn’t make it any less wrong.

Also being advertised now and scheduled for a late 2016 release is YET ANOTHER Amityville Horror spin-off, this one titled The Amityville Legacy. If you think that’s a groaner, check out the seriously weak plot which attempts to milk a cow that dried up years ago…

“A cursed antique toy monkey from the original DeFeo home wrecks havoc and possesses a father after being gifted during an annual family reunion…”

On second thought, maybe psycho Santas aren’t so bad after all.

One Billion Frankensteins

Like the monster itself, Frankenstein branded movies just won’t die. Hence, Frankenstein: Day of the Beast, which “coincidentally” arrives weeks within Victor Frankenstein (2015), the big-budget re-imagine of the seriously overplayed story of science’s first zombie. Here’s how the one billionth version of Frankenstein goes…

“In a foggy winter morning, a raft brings a priest to an isolated island. He is getting paid to perform a wedding ritual under very mysterious conditions. The groom is Victor Frankenstein, and the young and beautiful bride is his cousin Elizabeth. Seven armed and dangerous mercenary soldiers have been hired to protect her against something huge that hides in the woods, awaiting for that wedding night to be consummated. Victor is the only one who knows the truth about their enemy. His secret will be paid with the life of his private army, whose men will die one by one, as the creature gets closer to his target: the bride.”

He’s marrying his cousin? Now there’s a way to make more deformities in the lab.

IMDB.com shows Frankenstein: Day of the Beast as having a November 2011 release. Like Victor’s famous monster, the movie must’ve arrived D.O.A. as I don’t recall hearing anything about it since. (Apparently, it was only released in Germany and Japan. I can see Germany, but Japan? They already have enough knock-offs.)

But hey, thanks to the science of licensing and distribution, you can now see Frankenstein: Day of the Beast on Blu-ray™ in the States and Canada via a sweet hook-up with SGL Entertainment.

To be fair, even though the mere thought of YET ANOTHER interpretation of the 1818 Mary Shelley novel (Frankenstein or The Modern Prometheus) gives me science gas, the trailer for FDotB looks to have high production values/makeup/effects. That’s puts them ahead of at least a half-billion versions.

Plants In Yer Pants

“When you watch this movie, you wander into a sort of sexual Bermuda Triangle,” says writer/director Scott Schirmer describing his upcoming horror movie, Harvest Lake. He also goes on to say HL is an “erotic creature feature,” which means they’re gonna show the female chest area and softcore groin bumping (if they want an R rating, that is). Oh, and there’s some sort of plant monster, too.

Here are the hardcore details: “A group of vacationing campers stumble under the spell of a libidinous, otherworldly presence in the woods. Inhibitions drop and behavior becomes erratic as one of the friends tries to escape the carnal free-fall, ultimately bringing him face to face with the source of a mystery that will change his life forever.”

They had me at carnal free-fall.

Sex in horror movies is not a new thing. As of this snoop bloggy blog, there have been over one trillion horror/sci-fi movies with groin bumping in them, some showing more skin to win than others. Is this a bad thing? I’m gonna have to say hell no.

Take a skinny dip in Harvest Lake in the spring of 2016.

 

How To Make A Monster

If you ever wanted to know how to make a monster without alcohol, then How To Make A Monster, released in 1958, is your ticket. Warning: Like sweet refreshing booze, this might mess with your mind: a monster movie about making monster movies. I know, right? I’m being forced to question my own existence over that one.

In this semi-horror classic, Pete Dumond, chief make-up artist for American International Studios, has been creating monsters for the big scream for 25 years. That is, until stupid NBC came in and bought the place, putting two East Coast a-holes in charge. Here’s the b*tch of it all – they want to make comedies and musicals instead of monsters. How dare the both of them?

This puts Dumond and his makeup kit out on the street. Good – that gives him plenty of time to implement a rather ingenious revenge agenda: to get the exact monsters he’s created to do his murderous bidding. Brilliant, I say out loud.

Dumond mixes some brain anesthetizing gunk into the makeup he applies to his two teenage movie stars, Larry Drake and Tony Mantell, who play a teenage werewolf and a teenage Frankenstein. Once numb and number, Dumond hypnotizes the boys into doing dirty deeds, like killing off the East Coast a-holes. Did I not say brilliant out loud in the previous paragraph?

But why stop at two a-holes when the movie studio is full of ’em? Eventually the bloody, clue-ridden trail leads police back to Dumond’s place, which he’s fashioned into a museum of monster mask props that he calls his “children.” Okay, a little wackadoo, but his skills are not to be openly mocked.

Before the cops can get there to double arrest him, Dumond, who lured his unsuspecting creature teen killers there, is about to make his final curtain call when the curtains – and Dumond himself – catch on fire, thanks to a handy lit candelabra meant for design and ambiance purposes.

How To Make A Monster uses the same monster makeup that was used in I Was A Teenage Werewolf and I Was A Teenage Frankenstein, both released in 1957. Cooler still are the actual movie masks on Dumond’s wall of flame: It Conquered the World (1956), Invasion of the Saucer Men (1956), The She-Creature (1956) and Attack of the Puppet People (1958).

Is it too much to say brilliant out loud one more time? I think not.