Archive for May, 2016

Cove Coven

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bay Cove

Jerry and Linda, freshly married and wanting to break out of the rat race (he does, she doesn’t), buy a house on the idyllic island of Bay Cove, a small community full of scenic views, apple trees and  a sacrificial witch coven.

Bay Cove The coven needs to offer some non-witch blood during a full moon on the eve of something or rather, and they’ve chosen Linda as their donor. This will allow their pact with satan to stay in place for another 300 years.

Bay Cove

The clues as to the island residents’ evil background come in the form of a sparse cemetery (hardly anyone dies), a pet dog and pet best friend being killed (they were both to close to THE TRUTH), and a black mass with formal black robes, incantations and burning torches.

Bay Cove

More along the lines of housewife horror, Bay Cove (1987) a made-for-TV yawner has only one good scene: a church full of coven members being blown sky high by lightning. So yeah, no broomstick flying, no conjuring, no eye of newt in the soup of the day. ’80s witches were so boring.

Nice Night For A Moon Beast

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Track of the Moon Beast

High on a mountain in the Arizona desert, a man, trying to get him some ’o that sweet Southwest skank action, is struck in the facial quadrant by a meteorite fragment while watching a meteor shower caused by a comet slamming into the moon and bouncing off in Earth’s direction. NASA refers to this as “lunar pinball.” Suffice to say, though, a real mood bringer-downer. Thus is the plot architecture if the 1976 cheesy sci-fi movie, Track of the Moon Beast.

Track of the Moon Beast

Over the following days, he’s prone to headaches and blacking out. All this without the assistance of sweet alcohol. His new girlfriend tells her boyfriend’s best friend, a college professor called John Longbow (great porn name). Longbow looks like a Native American version of Bobby Goldsboro and got his name, not from the gals he used to date, but rather his adept skill with the bow and arrow.

Track of the Moon beast

At night when the moon’s anointing rays light up the maniac switchboard in the meteor man’s head, he’s turned into a huge lizard-esque creature with three things on his mind: die, kill, bleed. By morning the man is “normal” again, but still having health issues. The cops don’t know dick about lunar metamorphosis as they fumble around looking for a hypothesized animal with a taste for human blood.

Track of the Moon Beast

Several more nighttime killings and it’s soon apparent who’s doing all the die-kill-bleed. The police finally corner lizard/meteor man and fire bullets into his scaly hide. Like that’s gonna work. Longbow, who earlier had prudently fashioned an arrowhead out of the fallen meteor, fires one off into L-Man’s chest. The counteracting polarities of the magnetically-charged minerals causes the TV screen to flash orange and black, while Lizzy stands there and wiggles his claw arms.

Track of the Moon Beast

This special effect is meant to indicate Longbow’s positive efforts in bringing the monster’s illegal activities to a grinding halt. This also leaves the door wide open for John’s other longbow to nail his new target, the still screaming and freshly-single girlfriend. It’ll help with closure.

Monsterland

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monsterland

Monsterland is either a new horror movie scheduled for release on June 7, 2016, or a scheduled reality that exists between my ears. Turns out it’s both.

The horrors that occupy my thought bubbles are far too socially not cool for any movie screen/smart device. But Monsterland (the movie) could be right up your skirt:

Monsterland

“Amidst a bloody backdrop of chaos and carnage, one panicked, lowly survivor of the Monster Apocalypse takes shelter in a movie theater to buy himself a few extra moments of precious life. Little does he know, he’s taken a flying leap out of the frying pan and smack dab into the fires of hell by attending the last movie marathon he’ll ever see.”

Monsterland

“Welcome to Monsterland – terrifying place where savage beasts, carnivorous creatures and grotesque abominations are the new normal, and the human race is now at the bottom of the food chain.”

Monsterland

The way my mind works, all I heard is “grotesque abominations.” So I will shell out as many fun coupons as needed to see Monsterland – because anything else would be socially uncool.

Sucking Succubus

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Succubus: Hell Bent

A couple of spoiled rich dudes go to Cabo (though they later tell police it was Cancun), where they score chick after chick with some of the worst pick-up lines ever uttered.

Succubus: Hell Bent

One such chick is so hot as to be a Succubus, a demonic entity that has humpty hump with you and then kills your. sex drive – permanently. The guys bail the next day without even saying, “Well it was certainly nice to have unsafe intercourse with you, Ms. Succubus – hope you don’t have to wait long for that succu-bus to take you home.”

Succubus: Hell Bent

This makes Succ-y mad. So she follows them back to L.A. and becomes an mega psycho bitch and kills those whom the “dine-n-dash” lover is close to. Interesting premise, but any guy with a psycho-ex is quite familiar with that kind of horror.

Succubus: Hell BentProblem #2: Succubus: Hell Bent (2007)  was written and directed by a chick, which means nudity is extremely limited.

Problem #3: They really shouldn’t let the actors write their own dialogue.

Problem #4: Way too long at an hour and a half. Then again, it’d be way too long at six minutes.

Problem #5: The director put her favorite band in the club scene and gave them way too much screen time. They suck more than the Succubus.

Problems #6 through #43: The special effects. (Succ Succ’s wings are so obviously wax paper, they have to blur them out so you don’t notice) are horribly outdated (think Netscape 3).

Lorenzo Lamas, David Keith and Gary Busey (as a heavy metal demon fighter) have bit parts, but watching them is as painful as watching this movie. They should’ve made Busey the monster because he’s scarier than anything to come from the depths of Hell. And that’s a compliment.

Gary Busey

They Call Him Mr. Vampire

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mr. Vampire 2

Mr. Vampire (not his real name) and his Two Stooges assistants, dig up an ancient tomb, looking to steal its contents. They find a vampire husband, wife and child, who all come back to life, thanks to the bumbling antics of the two assistants who need a solid front kick to the rice bag.

Mr. Vampire 2

That’s pretty much it for Mr. Vampire 2 (1986). Stupid comic bits, over-choreographed kung-fu fights and pratfalls, and those dumb hopping vampires.

Mr. Vampire 2

Throat-ripping and blood? Not a severed vein or crimson neck leak to be found. Mr. Vampire, you are hereby relieved of your duties.

The Pain In Spain Falls Mainly On My Face

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Abre Los Ojos

A sub-titled Spanish psycho-drama, Abre Los Ojos (aka, Open Your Eyes/1997) involves a young, rich guy who is so handsome, he could be my doppelganger. More or less.

Open Your Eyes

A car accident leaves his photo framing-worthy mug horribly scarred and eventually warps his mind to the point where he’s having trouble sorting out reality from his fantasy world in which he had his face repaired and is compromising his best friend’s girlfriend.

Open Your Eyes

All things being equal, he ends up killing a chick while horizontally dating her, just to make sense of his nightmare, the poor guy. But that’s just the beginning.

Open Your Eyes

Where this incredible gem throws its knockout punch is near the end, which is a twist of biblical proportions. That the boobies are perfecto and are but a mere bonus; the story is quite riveting. Sci-fi, horror, suspense, naked stuff, Abre Los Ojos is mucho grande.

Vanilla Sky

P.S. Abre Los Ojos/Open Your Eyes was remade in as Vanilla Sky in 2001 and stars Tom Cruise, who is pretty much my doppelganger.

Slash and Burn

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Burning

Cropsy — if that’s his real name — is an alcoholic and double-mean groundskeeper at Camp Blackfoot who uses over-sized cropping shears to trim that which needs trimming. No indication as to how he got his nickname, though.

The Burning

Playing a prank to get back at him for being such a dick, a bunch of teens accidentally set Cropsy on fire. Toasted ’n roasted is he. So badly is Cropsy barbecued, skin grafts won’t take. In fact his face looks like those melting Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981).

The Burning

Fast forward five years into the future (1981), and some of the kids responsible for the 1st Annual Cropsy Cook-out are now counselors at Camp Stonewater, just a melted marshmallow’s throw away from Blackfoot.

The Burning

Just like Jason in Friday the 13th (1980), Cropsy exacts his revenge on his victims in the most inconvenient of times, like during sex with boobs swinging to and fro. The slaughter is gruesome and swift, but it’s the infamous finger-shearing scene that got this barn-burner in trouble with uptight British censors. P*ssies.

The Burning

Scissors perforate throats and life-sustaining counselor fluid leaks out. In an unforeseen twist of fate, Cropsy gets to “sing around the campfire” one more time, if you smell what’s cookin’. All told, The Burning (1981) is old school slasher action, but somewhat more graphic. I just wish I knew how Cropsy got his name.