May The Speed Force Be With You, People Plants, Cutting Out Social Media

The buzz is buzzing about The Flash upcoming movie (June 23, 2023), with the trailers revealing two Flashes, two Batmans, Supergirl, and General Zod, though he died in Man of Steel (2013). Hey, movies can do whatever they want with our minds. And with that comes more character posters, these three new ones being Flash, Supergirl and Batman. (My character poster was cut as I’m not in the film, apparently.)

So here’s the official plot, though it wasn’t that difficult to piece it together after watching the trailers: “Barry Allen uses his super speed to change the past, but his attempt to save his family creates a world without super heroes, forcing him to race for his life in order to save the future.” 

So while we debate whether or not having me in The Flash has any added marquee value, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/film shorts that may or may not give you the…runs. P.S. The Flash stole Metallica’s logo. Just sayin’.

YOUR HOUSEPLANTS ARE SCREAMING / Out now (VOD)

“Human houseplants are held captive by a giant plant creature. Confined to their pots, the houseplants struggle to comprehend the horror of being shelf ornaments in a grotesque hell house made of flesh, meat, muscle and bone.”

Human houseplants. I can only imagine what is being used as fertilizer.

KILLER KITES / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“When Abby’s grandma dies, the only thing she inherits is a stupid kite. After giving it to her brother, he is mysteriously killed and the kite disappears. While searching for the truth, Abby is tangled in a strange supernatural plot, where this killer kite continues to kill. Now, Abby must string together a way to stop the kite before it blows us all away. Kites may not be the scariest monster ever, but they’re up there.”

I heard this was made on a kite string budget.

#CHADGETSTHEAXE / Fall 2023 (VOD)

“Four social media influencers live stream their trip to Devil’s Manor, former home to a satanic cult.”

The only thing worse than social media horror movies is watching ‘em.

THE MOUNT 2 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A year after the incident at the Mount, the police are still investigating the murders of Philomena and Caroline. The Mount has been cordoned off by the police. However, on Halloween night, a group of teenagers break in. They plan on holding a wedding between friends, conducted by a rather odd character. Little did they know some unexpected guests would show up to crash the party.

Don’t look at me like that — I heard there’s an open bar.

Drinkin’ & Drive-in, Indian-American Demon, Bathroom Horror

During my long forgotten youth, many of the horror movies I saw were at the drive-in, the inspiration for this blog’s clever title. This was because drive-ins were a lot cheaper than going to the movie theaters and you could smuggle in your own popcorn, which my parental figures did. (I smuggled in beer when I got old enough, which was around age seven.) But now you can relive the glory days of horror movies at the drive-in with A Cut Below: A Celebration of B Horror Movies, 1950s – 1980s, an upcoming book by horror movie fanatic, Scott Debrit.

Scott writes about retro horror/sci-fi in his column Drive-in Dust Offs on DailyDead.com, so he’s more than qualified to author a book based on his vast knowledge of the genre. As opposed to me, having written over 3,000 blogs about horror/sci-fi and managing to contribute absolutely nothing new. I should write a book about that.

A Cut Below: A Celebration of B Horror Movies, 1950s – 1980s is scheduled for release by McFarland Books™ on August 2, 2023. Pre-order it here. And while you do that instead of ready anymore of my shocking lack of insight (see below), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be better with smuggled beer… 

DARK NATURE / Release pending May 2023 (Select Theaters, VOD)

“Joy, a survivor of an abusive relationship, joins her friend Carmen and her therapy group on an isolated weekend retreat in the Canadian Rockies. Led by the enigmatic Dr. Dunnley, whose methods are experimental and, at times, dubious from Joy’s outside perspective, the experience eventually shatters the border between reality and delusion. Joy begins to suspect that they are being stalked by her abuser, when in truth, the entire group will be forced to confront a monstrous entity more terrifying than the ghosts of their pasts.”

Probably a bear.

FOLLOW HER / June 2, 2023 (VOD)

Struggling actress and live-streamer Jess Peters, known to her online followers as J-PEEPS, has finally found her hook: Secretly filming creepy interactions she encounters via online job listings, and using the kinks of others to fuel her streaming success. For her next episode, she’s been hired to write the ending of a screenplay in a remote, lavish cabin. Once there, Tom, the alluring self-proclaimed screenwriter, hands her a script in which the two of them are the main characters. This client isn’t what he seems, and even though the money’s great, the real payment here could cost her life.”

I do a lot of live streaming myself — in the bathroom. Turns out I’m not an influencer as everybody does the same thing. So much for parlaying that into a source of passive income.

IT LIVES INSIDE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An Indian-American teenager struggling with her cultural identity has a falling out with her former best friend and, in the process, unwittingly releases a demonic entity that grows stronger by feeding on her loneliness.”

Call it what it is — a demonic entity that grows stronger by feeding on loneliness = social media.

THE CAREGIVER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)
“Running away from her abusive stepfather, Emma decided to go to the city. She takes a job as a caregiver to Mrs. Belov, a senile old woman. Strange things start happening in the house and she begins to hear unusual sounds from the basement. What Emma doesn’t know is that the house hides a terrifying secret. Emma will do the impossible to get out of that house of hell.”

It wasn’t the basement Emma was hearing unusual sounds, it was the bathroom. And the sounds weren’t all that unusual. Unless you were in the “water closets” designated as the Tug Tavern’s restrooms. The sounds emanating from there were not of this Earth.

Playground Purgatory, Horror Vegetables, Mature Mutants

There’s a famous wall painting on Dante’s live music club in downtown Portland, OR that proudly proclaims, “Keep Portland Weird.” This caught on to the point there are bumperstickers, buttons and t-shirts everywhere sporting the city’s unofficial slogan. But for really bold weirdness, one only needs to hitchhike 104 miles south to Eugene, OR where an uproar on social media over a park slide seeks to topple Portland’s innate oddity status.

In the Owen Rose Garden City Park, residents were treated Hellraiser’s Pinhead being turned into a playground slide. Predictably, this sent locals into a Karen-esque tizzy; “These liberal sh*theads have gone too far this time.” A Eugene resident angrily posted to Facebook™. “It’s clear they are trying to groom our children to be monsters. Satanic, evil monsters. They obviously want to normalize this sort of thing. And you know this abomination will just attract weirdos to our nice little town.” Another posted response: “We have to come together as a community and nip this in the bud before things get out of hand. Let’s send this horrific ‘children’s playground’ back to hell.”

If only these quick-to-mouth rabble rousers got the joke. The Pinhead slide is an amazingly realistic art piece by 3D artist and Virtual Reality sculptor Cabel Adams, who posted it on social media, deliciously punking the leaning-far-too-right residents.

This isn’t the first time Cabel struck comedy gold with his crazy 3D and Photoshop™ skills. There’s his Voorhees Island, with a “stone” Jason obelisk in the middle of Washington’s State’s Lake Crescent (or “Crescent Lake”). Then there’s the cool Thomas The Train wickedly reimagined as an evil machine, as well as his horror movie villain hot-air “balloons” floating menacingly over Oregon’s Lane County town during its annual film fest.

While we all wait for Eugene’s locals to grow a sense of humor, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not spur Oregonian condemnation… 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN / March 3, 2023 (Limited) March 21, 2023 (VOD)

“A psychopathic twelve-year-old girl in a small town in Nebraska recruits all the other children and goes on a bloody rampage, killing the corrupt adults and anyone else who opposes her. A bright high schooler who won’t go along with the plan is the town’s only hope of survival.”

For anyone keeping score, this makes 11 Children of the Corn movies, which debuted in 1984. This latest one was done in 2020 and is just now getting out to people who want more corn in their diet. 

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: MUTANT MAYHEM / August 4, 2023 (Theaters)

“The heroes in a half-shell are back for their latest re-imagining, emerging from the sewers to defend New York from an army of fellow mutants.”

Their film debuting over 30 years ago, you can hardly call the turtles “teenage” anymore. They should call themselves Medicare Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

THE DARK ROOM / Release pending 2023 (DVD/VOD)

“An amateur photographer witnesses something while he’s developing photos that were brought to him by a pastor. The whole town is in amass panic and an active investigation is going on due to multiple decapitations in the area. The photographer is conflicted about sharing the news and the photographs he has developed.”

Developing photos? What year is this set in — 1935?

HUNT HER, KILL HER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During her first night on the job a lone night shift janitor finds herself in an unexpected fight for survival when she becomes the target of sinister masked intruders. As their disturbing motives become clearer, she must use her crafty instincts and barbaric violence to make it through the night alive.”

To get a coveted job as a night janitor, crafty instincts and barbaric violence should be emphasized on your resume.

Extraterrestrially Inebriated, Social Media Monstrosity, Space Spouse

On July 8, 2023, we celebrate the 76th anniversary of America’s most famous UFO story: The Roswell Incident. That’s when in 1947, rancher W.W. “Mac” Brazel discovered wreckage from an illegally parked flying saucer on his remote ranch just outside of the municipality of Conspiracyville, or “Corona, NM.” (Note to purists: Mac actually found the extraterrestrial debris field on July 6, but his mechanical horse ran out of petrol coming into town to report it.)

Since that time, one billion million UFO sightings have been reported, some even sober. That’s right — according to the National UFO Reporting Center™ (located in Washington State, where I live and see alien spacecraft ALL THE TIME), statistics suggest these reports are made by…drunk people. According to The Economist, “The National UFO Reporting Center receives tens of thousands reported sightings of UFOs, with the majority happening on Fridays, in the West, and during…drinking hours.” (See official-looking graph.)

In an article in The Atlantic, journalist Derek Thompson presents his theories: “Utah, the state with the lowest beer consumption by far, has a higher share of UFO sitings than North Carolina, the state with the highest beer consumption. Washington, the state where you’re most likely to report a UFO, drinks less alcohol than all but six states. It’s plausible that people don’t see UFOs while they’re working or sleeping because they’re working indoors and completely unconscious.”

So while we crack six or more tall boys and stumble outside during prime time UFO viewing hours and submit our Happy Hour sightings at the top of our lungs to the NURC™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-movies that may or may not be made better by drinking…

MEAN SPIRITED February 27, 2023 (VOD)

“After receiving an invitation to his estranged friend’s mountain cottage, a wannabe vlogger aims to bury the hatchet with their now-celebrity friend who isn’t quite himself anymore.”

Social Media Horror [ soh-shuhl mee-dee-uh hawr-er ] / noun, stu·pid·er, stu·pid·est. Tediously dull, especially due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless; annoying or irritating.

STATIC CODES / June 1, 2023 (VOD)

“A man’s wife was abducted by aliens 10 years ago during a car accident which left him paralyzed from the waist down. Given up on life, he has become consumed with only one mission: finding his wife.”

Why?

THE HOUSE AMONG TREES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A hybrid of modern crime fiction and classic horror story, The House Among The Trees follows three low-level burglars who accidentally uncover a small town’s dark secrets after breaking into a secluded house.”

All small towns have dark secrets, some darker than others. For instance, the dark secret in my small town is…ME.

THE GRANDMOTHER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Susana must leave her life working as a model in Paris and return home to Madrid after she learns that her grandmother Pilar — who raised her as her own after her parents died — has had a cerebral hemorrhage. Upon returning home, Susana attempts to find a long-term caretaker for Pilar, but what should be just a few days ends up becoming a genuine nightmare after Susana notices Pilar start to act strangely.”

If I needed a caregiver, I’d want it to be a Parisian supermodel. That would make me hemorrhage…but not in the cerebellum.

Lost Bigfoot, Killer Clown, Zombie Thanksgiving

The movie Sasqua (1975) has possibly the best plot ever: “A hippie commune is attacked by cryptids.” I read that and started crying tears of happiness. FINALLY, someone is doing something about all those stink hippies stinkin’ up the woods and, by extension, the entire world.

Before you break out the champagne (or Miller High Life — The Champagne of Beers™), you can’t watch this movie. Why? Because it only played for about two days at a local theater in Massachusetts back in the ’70s and was never seen again. (FYI: There were a lot of hippies in those days — and every day since.)

But dry your eyes — there’s a documentary called Sasqu — The Lost Bigfoot Film of Massachusetts being worked on as we speak. Here are the details: “Described by The Boston Globe as an obscure horror movie about a hippie commune attacked by cryptids,’ the elusive Sasqua has never seen the light of day outside of a brief and localized theatrical release back in the 1970s, and filmmaker John Campopiano has set out to uncover as much information, and as many relevant interview subjects, as he possibly can.”

While we wait for this Oscar™ contender and celebrate Bigfoot’s efforts for eradicating those who stink and have deprived themselves the glory of the washcloth, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of being spared by the glory of cryptids…

MY APOCALYPTIC THANKSGIVING / Out now (VOD, Apple TV™)

“A zombie-obsessed, special needs adult searches for his absent mom while a Korean family and gang compete to be his family. But he teaches everyone forgiveness with the help of his favorite zombie television show.”

Zombies are synonymous with forgiveness, so this one should be bloody heartwarming.

MISTER CREEP / December 5, 2022 (VOD)

“Three college students stumble upon a lost television broadcast of a deceased serial killer and search for its location. They discover a nightmarish cover-up of a clown-faced man who killed hundreds and may still be around long after his death.”

A clown-faced man who killed hundreds. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

THE CHRISTMAS TAPES / December 16, 2022 (VOD)

“In this Christmas horror anthology, a family’s movie night on Christmas Eve is interrupted by a stranger insistent on making the next Christmas ‘classic’ film himself.”

I’m ready for my close-up. Just let me quaff a few pitchers of “holiday cheer” to get in the zone.

#FLOAT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a vlogger and her crew embark on their annual river float to commemorate the untimely loss of their friend, they are plunged into a life and death battle with a mysterious local, a sinister paranormal force, and their own fears.”

YET ANOTHER “social media” horror movie. This means it #sucks.

Goth Fairies, Cannibal Critters, Timeless Horror

While the movie wasn’t exactly in my wheelhouse, I nevertheless enjoyed the Disney™ fantasy/horror movie, Maleficent (2014), and dug watching main star Angelina Jolie as the goth-y gorgeous evil fairy fly around with Hellboy/Darkness horns and flap her wing-span enhanced wings like a demonic seagull.

This is why I’m horn-y (heh) for the sequel, Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (October 18, 2019), which puts the antlers/wings back on Jolie to cause more fairy land havoc. And in case you don’t/didn’t know who Maleficent is, she was the antagonist in Disney’s Sleeping Beauty in 1959 and the self-proclaimed “mistress of all evil.” (Nice tie-in with the title, Disney™.)

While I plot to go see the movie and push little kids out of the way to get a good seat, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your wings flap…

CRITTERS: A NEW BINGE (March 21, 2019/Shudder™)
“Pursued by intergalactic bounty hunters, the Critters return to Earth on a secret mission and encounter Christopher, a lovelorn high-schooler, his best friend Charlie, his crush Dana, and his mom Veronica — whose past will come back to bite them. Who will survive? And who will be eaten?”

The original Critters (1986) was just Gremlins (1984), but with worse table manners. Both movies were skewed towards the family-skewed crowd, so proceed with caution with this one.

DIVISION 19 (April 5, 2019)
“In the future, prisons have been turned into online portals where paying subscribers get to vote on what felons eat, watch, wear and who they fight. Panopticon TV is so successful it is about to be rolled out to a whole new town. When the world’s most downloaded felon escapes, the authorities set a trap to reel him in. The bait is his little brother who has so far managed to avoid detection.”

Sounds like someone’s been watching The Running Man (1987) and YouTube™ videos of Christians being thrown into the PPV ring with atheist lions.

I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE: DEJA VU (April 23, 2019)
“Following her brutal rape, Jennifer wrote a best-selling account of her ordeal and of the controversial trial in which she was accused of taking the law into her own hands and ruthlessly killing her assailants. In the small town where the rape and revenge took place, the relatives of the four rapists she killed are furious that the court declared her not guilty and resolve to take justice into their own hands.”

I Spit On Your Grave first came out in 1978 and was painfully hard to watch, even though it wasn’t nearly as graphic as the 2010 remake. And while the subject matter is timely, doesn’t mean it’s any easier to watch. P.S. If you’re a dude, do NOT watch this with any ladies in the room. It might give them ideas.

IN SEARCH OF DARKNESS (2019)
“For the first time in horror history, In Search of Darkness will bring together 1980s icons, modern horror greats, popular YouTubers and social media influencers to create the most complete retrospective documentary of the genre ever made. Together, they will bring their unique perspectives as we take a nostalgic journey back to revisit the unforgettable heroes, monsters, and movies that thrilled and chilled us.”

Looking forward to this one as the ‘80s were my puberty horror years. I’ll continue to keep watching ‘em until my voice cracks.

Shark Explosion

Finally, someone gets the joke about the exploding plethora of shark movies. Premiering on the SyFy Channel™ is a fin-in-cheek movie called Bad CGI Sharks (2018), with CGI standing for “computer-generated imagery” or “chewing gristle intently.” (Not sure which is correct.)

Here’s the plot: “Two estranged brothers writing a script about a killer shark. That shark soon enters into their own reality.” This type of “write a story and it actually happens” plot device has been used numerous times, although it has yet to work for me. Still, the trailer is funny in the way, ironically, CGI sharks are tummy ticklers.

This takes me back to the days of Jaws (1975), in which Bruce, the shark, was a mechanical device built to scale (no pun intended in that fish have scales —heh!), and used to historic effect, remaining arguably best shark movie of all time to this day. (An argument could be made for Mega Shark Versus Mecha Shark/2014.)

So popular was/still is Jaws, a flood of toys/merch followed in its bloody wake and are highly collectible over four decades later. (You’ll never pry my fuzzy Jaws beach towel out of my cold, wet hands.)

This got me thinking, which is kinda hard to do. I’ve covered as many shark movies as possible, but inevitably there are a few over the years that slipped through my journalistic trawling net. If you’re a fan of shark flicks of all levels of cheesiness, consider adding these to your chum bucket list…

MISSISSIPPI RIVER SHARKS (2017)
“Sharks attack a fish rodeo on the Mississippi River, and it is up to a group of locals to stop them.”

A fish rodeo. Makes total sense. But maybe the sharks were just after the area’s famous Mississippi Mud Pie. (Recipe: A crust of crushed chocolate cookies, topped with layers of dense, flourless chocolate cake and velvety chocolate pudding. Who wouldn’t attack that?)

OZARK SHARKS (2016)
“A vacation to the Ozarks turns upside-down when bull sharks infiltrate Arkansas’s freshwater lakes and wreak havoc on a town’s big fireworks festival.”

Hillbilly sharks. Wonder if their swimsuits have suspenders on ’em? P.S. They used the same shark on the cover of Mississippi River Sharks. Busted.

ROBOSHARK (2015)
“What starts off as a typical day on the streets of Seattle soon becomes a terrifying bloodbath, when a great white shark devours an alien space probe…and ROBOSHARK is born. The U.S. military comes after it with guns blazing, but it’s the power of social media that puts an ambitious newscaster and her tech-savvy daughter ahead of everyone else in the race to stop the destruction.

I live in Seattle. A Roboshark that eats UFO droppings and put on their hipster hybrid pants are the least of this town’s problems — me being one of ‘em.

RAGING SHARKS (2005)
“An alien object falls from space into the Bermuda Triangle where it pumps up the resident sharks like a steroid.”

I though all sharks were/are raging. A weak concept when you have to combine aliens, sharks and the Bermuda Triangle. For a better pairing, I suggest, clams jubilee with a 40 ounce Chianti of Foster’s Lager™. Finish with a nice nap.

Since sharks have been used as everything from snow and sand, to ghosts and multi-headed mutants, there’s one shark-themed movie that’s never been made. Bets are on as to how long it’ll be before this one’s made…

Godzilla BFFs, Mutant Babies, Social Media Evil

A couple of new sales posters for the upcoming Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). One doesn’t suck, one sucks, one is kinda okay. The “doesn’t suck” version, of course, depicts Godzilla choke-holdong it up in a no-holds barred street match with the clearly bigger King Ghidorah.

KH has three heads. Talk about multitasking; he could use one to bite Godzilla in the lunch sac, the second one to surf the Internet for kaiju porn, and the other to binge watch Game of Thrones on Netflix™. I wish I had three heads.

The first trailer for Godzilla: King of the Monsters is pretty badass, showing Rodan (mega huge Pterodactyl), the butterfly-esque Mothra (spokesbug for Raid™) and King G himself, who towers over the already embiggened Godzilla. 

Before you surf for kaiju porn, check out these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may not require three brains to understand…

CYNTHIA (August 31, 2018 / Limited); September 18, 2018 (VOD/DVD)
Robin and Michael are college sweethearts who have everything — a perfect marriage, adorable cat, a beautiful home. But one thing is missing from this idyllic setting — a baby. After years of fertility treatments their dreams come true when Robin finds out she is pregnant. Is this a dream come true or a nightmare come to life?

Nightmare come to life. That’s what the doctor told my mom when I was born. Maybe he directed this movie. (This remind anyone of It Lives/1978)?

I THINK WE’RE ALONE NOW (September 14/2018-Theaters/September 21, 2019-VOD)
“The apocalypse proves a blessing in disguise for one lucky recluse — until a second survivor arrives with the threat of companionship.”

Leave it to someone to always impose on your personal time. There goes leaving the bathroom door open during personal moments. The apocalypse sucks.

APOSTLE (October 12, 2018)
“London, 1905. Prodigal son Thomas Richardson has returned home, only to learn that his sister is being held for ransom by a religious cult. Determined to get her back at any cost, Thomas travels to the idyllic island where the cult lives under the leadership of the charismatic Prophet Malcolm. As Thomas infiltrates the island’s community, he learns that the corruption of mainland society that they claim to reject has infested the cult’s ranks nonetheless — and uncovers a secret far more evil than he could have imagined.”

What some people call religious cults, I call ‘em the barfly regulars up at the Tug Tavern. They seem to be worshiping the bartender every time I walk in there. Heck, you could call me a cult member with a bar tab. All praise a full glass and a Lyft™ ride home.

E-DEMON (2018)
“On a mission to bring the Devil to Earth, an escaped demon manipulates a group of friends hanging out on a video-chat. Since this ruthless demon can possess multiple people at once, knowing who to trust is the key to survival.”

More tech-savvy stink demons. Suppose you could call them malevolent malware. And you can call E-Demons YET ANOTHER teen sci-fi social media movie. Hit the delete button.

Summer Sharks, Shape-Shifters, Soul-Suckers

A few more key art pieces for the upcoming (August 10, 2018) gigantic shark movie, The Meg. I guess all my hopes and dreams of being depicted alongside (but not inside) the Megalodon as frameable art have been swallowed up whole.

Only other thing new I’ve been able to find out about this pee-shivering-with-excitement film is that the Meg is 75-feet long. By comparison, a school bus full of tweens is only 45-feet long. Guess which one can stay underwater longer?

While I continue to countdown the days for The Meg to chew up the big screen with big screams, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as horrifying as riding in a bus full of tweens…

LIFECHANGER (2018)
“A murderous shape-shifter is on a blood-soaked mission to make things right with the woman he loves.”

You’d think being a shape-shifter would open up endless opportunities for “love”, so I guess this guy is a romantic wuss under all that murderousness.

HERETIKS (2018/2019)
“In the early 17th Century, innocent young Persephone is falsely accused and put on trial for her life. Her fate seems sealed except for the timely intervention of the mysterious Reverend Mother offering her not just sanctuary, but hope. For the Reverend Mother is the self-appointed leader of a small religious retreat, a secluded Priory, where her fellow Sisters devote their lives to the Lord and seek atonement for their pasts. But upon arrival, Persephone is plagued with terrifying visions and soon realizes that it’s not salvation that awaits but a battle for her very soul itself.”

Heretiks aren’t the only things that float like a log. (You got the double reference, yes?)

TERRIFIED (aka, Aterradoes/2018/2019)
“When strange events occur in a neighborhood in Buenos Aires, a doctor specializing in the paranormal, her colleague, and an ex-police officer decide to investigate further.”

Buenos Aires liberally translates as “fair winds” or “good airs”. That means the occurring “strange events” must be the opposite of that. Logically, it assumes somebody’s passing some sort of evil wind/air. Definitely they should investigate — can’t have this kind of behavior stinkin’ up the capital of Argentina.

GLASS (January 19, 2019)
Following the conclusion of Split, Glass finds Dunn pursuing Crumb’s superhuman figure of The Beast in a series of escalating encounters, while the shadowy presence of Price emerges as an orchestrator who holds secrets critical to both men.”

Didn’t see Split, so I have no idea what they’re talking about. I’m the same with politics, religion and romantic comedies.

Shark Glasses, Dark Web, Horror Rock

If you wanna watch Discovery Channel’s™ Shark Week’s 30th Anniversary in style, you’ll need the awesomely awesome Shark Week sunglasses, which at $35.00 will take a sizable bite out of your wallet.

Launching July 22, 2018, Shark Week (which began in 1988) is set to score mouthfuls of ratings. Even cooler is that $5 of the branded sunglasses profit goes to Oceana™, the “leading international conservation organization focused on protecting and restoring the world’s oceans.” Kinda makes you think: how does one protect the world’s oceans — with squirt guns?”

More Shark Week sunglasses info from the press release: “Built on Knockaround’s™ durable and high-quality Fort Knocks frame style, the 2018 Shark Week sunglasses feature a translucent breakwater blue frame with Great White jaw graphics, silver hardware, and polarized predator red lenses. Every pair comes with a shark tooth microfiber protective pouch and Shark Week 30th anniversary commemorative packaging.”

Red lenses? That sounds groovy, especially when using ‘em to watch sharks tear through bloody seal/surfer carcasses. Talk about smearing frosting all over the cake!

While I go stand on the corner and beg for bit coins in order to buy this must-have eye-wear, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may require red-lensed sunglasses to watch…

TRIPTYCHON OF FEAR (July 13, 2018/region-free)
“Triptychon of Fear is a trio of gloomy and horrifying stories from Grindhouse Entertainment, the twisted minds behind the Ghouls Night Out trilogy, Isolation, and Snuff Tape anthology. The three episodes, running a combined 91 minutes, will be available for sale on July 13, 3028 at all German wholesalers and abroad.”

A trilogy, eh? Good things come in threes. So do bad things. But this is horror, so if bad ain’t happening to you, let’s put this in the goody column.

UNFRIENDED: DARK WEB (JULY 20, 2018)
“When a 20-something finds a cache of hidden files on his new laptop, he is thrust into the deep waters of the dark web.”

More teen social media horror, which is not my wheelhouse. That I’m even doing a public blog violates my personal standards and practices of making my privates public. Ironically, someone will have to Tweet a review that I’ll read as there are no plans in my e-less future to watch it.

DEAD ENVY (2018)
“Aging rock artist David Tangier’s sense of identity is all but destroyed as he works cutting hair to provide a comfortable life for himself and his wife. His sound and age bind him to the Rock of the 2000’s, where his band Katatonic Spin once ruled the scene. David cannot tolerate that his entire existence has fallen prey to the persona of “the has been.”

It’s said that Dead Envy is a musical. Strike one. The plot also borrows heavily from The Hand (1981). Strike two. I’ll know if it’s a strike-out after watching it.

THE SCARLET VULTURES (2018)
“A young woman discovers that she has a special ingredient that elicits a state of euphoria in its consumers, but not everyone is so special.”

There are so many jokes I could insensitively blurt out, but I don’t want a woman and/or women to beat me up.