Hell Liquor, Animated Titan, Evil Gas

Naga Chilli Vodka™, sporting a demon skull on the label, claims to be the hottest vodka on the planet by its distillers, The Hot Enough Vodka Co.™ They claim its rated at 500,000 Scovilles, the scale used to measure the “heat” of chili peppers, first created by American pharmacist Wilbur Scoville in 1912. (People back then sprinkled gunpowder on their grits, which had a nice kick.) 

To give you a sense of what kind of heat we’re talking about, 500,000 Scovilles puts the vodka in the hell-seeking range of the Red Savina Habanero on a scale that ranges from 350,000 to 750,000. By comparison, the soul-incinerating Ghost Pepper comes in at around 1,000,000 Scovilles. However, GP lost the cremation crown to the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion — which sits warmly at the 1,200,000 mark — and the dreaded Carolina Reaper kicking them all in the ash with a scorched earth 1,500,000+ Scovilles. Any of the these pepper names could easily be a horror movie/horror monster. 

If you can’t stand the heat, here’s a hilarious review of the Naga Chili Vodka™ From Master of Malt™, a booze reviews website: “The Hot Enough Vodka Co.™ have created another monster, summoned from the very bowels of Hell, formed in a vile carboy filled with a horrid mound of Naga Jolokia chillies, steeped in grain vodka. It’s packaged in a handsome, heavy glass bottle with industrial-grade sealing wire and lead security seal (with a skull and crossbones embossed on it). To get to this bottle, you’ll literally have to open it with wire cutters, but we strongly recommend that you don’t. In fact, this unspeakable 500,000 Scovilles vodka is a chilli vodka so horrendous we suggest you don’t even purchase it. Please just shut down your computer and have a nice cup of tea instead. Try to forget what you saw.”

All of that actually makes me wanna try it. So while we all take bar bets on doing shots of this stuff, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/animated series that may or may not be peppery enough for you…

SKULL ISLAND / June 22, 2023 (Netflix™)

“Skull Island takes viewers on a thrilling adventure as a group of kind-hearted explorers rescues Annie from the ocean, unaware that their act of heroism will lead them to the treacherous Skull Island. This enigmatic place is home to bizarre creatures and terrifying monsters, including the mighty titan himself, Kong.”

Been anticipating this one, even though it’s an animated series. Wonder if cartoon gorillas throw their leavings around like the ones at the zoo do. Or would that be…zoo doo? I think I made that joke before. Crap.

NATTY KNOCKS / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“On Halloween Eve, a small-town babysitter and the kids she is looking after struggle to survive a serial killer named Abner Honeywell.”

I liked this better when it was released in 1978.

ALL HALLOWS’ EVE: TRICKSTER / October 2023 (VOD)

“When a lost traveler comes across an isolated rural gas station on Halloween night, she thinks she’s found her way home. Unbeknown to her, the eerie gas station is the residence of a family of degenerate, devilish creatures. As the night descends into a hellish nightmare, the young woman becomes the center of an occult ritual featuring the Devil himself.”

Eerie rural gas stations are the only places you can get unleaded evil.

AMITYVILLE BACKPACK / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

“A rather hapless dude buys a backpack at a garage sale. When people around him turn up dead, he comes to believe his new accessory may be to blame. Tracking its history, he discovers it has connections back to a haunted house in a small town called Amityville.”

A killer backpack. I got a backpack for Christmas one year as a hint to get me away from the TV and get some fresh air and exercise. Alas, it remains in a hall closet, with me preferring to be possessed by the couch.

Can’t We All Just Get A Kong? Leprechaun Heck, Vampire Strippers

In biblical terms, King Kong is more popular than Zeus. And while Zeus may be the Olympian god of the sky and thunder, his marketable appeal is confined to Greek mythology and a couple of movies, whereas King Kong is a global deity, worshiped in every country on the planet, even the stinky ones. Need proof? Just look at all visual interpretations of Kong from various continents…particularly the stinky ones.

Prague. Japan. Yugoslavia (see “stink countries”). Turkey. Spain. There is no place on Earth where Kong is not king. And images of our simian savior can fetch prices from as little as $15 in fun coupons/Benjamins/cabbage/smack smacks, all the way up to $1,000 pocket pals/doubloons/gwop/sawbucks for lovingly restored vintage prints.

So while we all go look under couch cushions and long abandoned fanny packs for loose cheddar/clams/lucre/quid to buy bootleg prints of King Kong on Etsy™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cost a lot of pesos/moolah/Lincolns/frog skins to rent…

JOVI & LOU / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™), May 2023 (Tubi™)

An irreverent and sometimes offensive dark comedy in a world where Jovi (God) and Lou (Satan) negotiate the fate of all humanity, one game piece at a time. After his wife Mary sinks into a coma after a car wreck, Joey strikes a bargain with the sinister Lou to save her. His quest for her salvation leads him behind the scenes to the realm of the immortals, where humans are merely pawns in Jovi and Lou’s games.

God’s first name is Jovi and Satan’s first name is Lou? Given their career choices, you’d think they could come up with something more appealing, like Self-Righteous Shelly and Malevolent Mark.

SEVEN ANGELS / May 19, 2023 (VOD)

“Seven Angels, a famous girl band from Indonesia, consisting of Stella, Carla, Dian, Anggun, Amy, Tari and Mika go on vacation to Melbourne, Australia where they socialize with a local singer named Mark. Mark takes the girls of Seven Angels to Aradale Lunatic Asylum, a former haunted asylum with a dark and horrific history.”

You’re a dude with seven chicks and you take ’em to a haunted asylum? Were you born in a monastery?

THE WATCHERS / JUNE 24, 2024 (THEATERS)

“Mina, a 28-year old artist gets stranded in an expansive, untouched forest in western Ireland. When Mina finds shelter, she unknowingly becomes trapped alongside three strangers that are watched and stalked by mysterious creatures each night.”

Leprechauns. And no amount of Lucky Charms™ will save you from them.

SAMMY SLICK: VAMPIRE SLAYER Relese pending crowdfunding, 2023 (VOD)

“In the dark and seedy streets of Ybor City, FL, Vampire Investigator Sammy Slick vows to rid the city of its blood sucking inhabitants once and for all. After a dancer from Foxy’s Strip Club comes to him with her suspicions that the club’s new owner is luring men in as potential prey, Sammy and his trusty sidekick Ash set out to prove her right and bring down the vampiress. Along the way they are met with obstacles, vampiric adversaries, and vampire strippers.”

Vampire strippers. Just don’t tip ‘em with bulbs of garlic. That’ll get you thrown out of the club.

Glazed Gorilla, Bearly Evil, Ghost Criminals

In King Kong vs. Godzilla, the 1962 kaiju classic dust up, there was the hilariously memorable and infamous scene where Kong gets drunk as a mecha-skunk and passes out, his bar tab covered by jungle natives. This is so he can be taken passively to Japan for promotional purposes and ends up in a smackdown with Godzilla, who is a total teetotaler. (The outcome depended on whether you live in the US or Japan.) Now you can get a Drunk Kong action (or would that be non-action) figure and get your jungle boogie on.

From TemptingToysandCollectibles.com website: “Rotokaiju drunk King Kong 1962 30cm Vinyl figure fully built and painted (made in 2020). This limited version was completely built and painted by the manufacturer and has the ‘drunk’ Kong face and three Suma Juice jars.” Drunk Kong stands 12” inches tall — or 12” long when he’s laying in the gutter, stinking of Suma Juice highballs. That’s the fun news. The opposite of that is Drunk Kong costs $1,999.00. (Conversely, a six-pack of Suma Juice is only $1.00._ Spend your money here.

The way they transport Drunk Kong off Faro Island was genius, strapping him to hot air balloons and gently escorting the drunky monkey off the premises. FYI: If you plan on chugging down a few jars of Suma Juice (called Soma Juice on the box and Farolacton Juice on Kong’s island), be sure and have a designated balloon handler to get you home — don’t drink and float.

So while we head to the Faro Island’s corner liquor store to stock up on Farolacton Juice and become a party animal, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your head swell up like a balloon…

ADALYNN / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“A mother is fighting postpartum depression and slipping over the edge. It becomes hard to distinguish where depression ends and her nightmares turn real as she and her newborn are haunted by a stalker unlike any other.”

Probably a demonic nanny/babysitter. I had one. She let me get away with murder.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER BEARS / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“After not seeing each other for a long time, five teenage friends living in Bangkok go on a vacation together, staying at a quiet resort isolated from the city. Things take a dark turn when it’s revealed each of them have hidden secrets, and unbeknown to the group, there is someone observing them. When one of them ends up brutally murdered, paranoia and distrust surrounds the group, motivating each remaining member to accuse each other of being the murderer or considering the possibility that the real murderer is the unseen presence observing them, and that they all are in danger.”

Bears are the new sharks in horror movies recently, what with the moderate successes of Cocaine Bear (2023), Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023). But for really scare bears, that chemical pollution-mutated one in The Prophecy (1979) and the alien-mutated one in Annihilation (2018) are both pretty…grizzly.

LEGEND OF THE WHITE DRAGON / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Erik Reed, The White Dragon, has returned home to Virtuo City three years later after being defeated in a colossal battle against the ancient overlord, Ashtagor. The crystal he used to become the White Dragon was broken in two as a result of the epic battle, both pieces were subsequently lost. Being blamed for the destruction and collateral lives lost, his identity was outed after the battle thus making him a fugitive from the law. We now follow Erik on his journey as he teams up with treasure hunters from the past who help him reclaim his power as the White Dragon. Once reunited with his powers, he and his team are now ready to battle a new threat, Dragon Prime, who seeks revenge against the White Dragon and try and defeat Dragon Prime in order to get one step closer to clearing his name and being able to protect his family from an ancient evil that still lurks in the darkness — Ashtagor.”

A lot going on here. Then again, the trailer explodes with spaceships, punching violence, future bikinis, ancient overlords with dumb names, revenge glares and costumes that look more at home in a 1980s video game. So yeah, I’ll watch the movie.

DEADLAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A U.S. Border Patrol Agent tries to apprehend the ghost of his father, a grave decision that will haunt him forever.”

Related or not, ghost criminals are the worst because it’s near to impossible to keep ’em in jail, what with being able to walk through walls ’n stuff.

Ape Kings, Vacation Snakes, Social Demons

This is way better than that Christmas thing — Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes is in the works for a 2024 release. This makes my banana tingle, what with being a PoA fan since my birth in a dense jungle.

Here’s what is known thus far: “The story takes place after the events of War for the Planet of the Apes (2017), and continues to follow Caesar’s legacy.”

Caesar, if you were inexcusably unaware, is the first ape to talk, and subsequently, talk back. He’s the guy who organized a revolt against presumably tick-free humans in 1972’s Conquest for the Planet of the Apes and made household pets out of them. (Shortly thereafter, there was a run on bigger litter boxes.)

The Planet of the Apes universe started with La Planète des singes, a 1963 book by French guy, Pierre Boulle. To this day, no one knows how to pronounce his last name. What followed were nine movies, a cartoon and live action TV series, as well as a planet of comics, books, video games, toys and swag. King Kong was bitch-ass jealous.

While we throw feces around waiting for this movie to get made (in solidarity with zoo monkeys who fling their poo because zoos won’t give ’em a ball to play with), here are a few upcoming horror movies/sci-fi that may or be compared to an extra-large litter box…

DEINFLUENCER / October 1, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“Kelly wakes up to find that she is being held hostage by a masked kidnapper and needs to complete a series of social media challenges to ensure her safety.”

The social media challenges are necessary: Cancel your Facebook™, Instagram™, Twitter™ and Tik-Tok™ accounts, quit taking fish-lip selfies and posting ‘em for other fish-lips to see, and trade your smart phone for a freakin’ life. 

PYTHON ISLAND / October 4, 2022 (DVD)

“In a village where snake-catching is the livelihood of most of the local populace, a magical tree grew. Because of the tree’s benevolence, it saved one small snake from the villagers and named it “Little Flower.”

“Many years later, Xiaoshu has become a biological researcher, exploring the secrets of genes. Unfortunately, his colleagues with ulterior motives use the power of the magical tree to break into a forbidden area by ​​the snake-catching village: the island where intruders are eaten alive. The island is filled with moisture and weirdness, and it seems there are eyes everywhere; staring at every move made by intruders.”

“Filled with moisture and weirdness.” Are they making fun of me? This movie was released in China in 2021 under the title, Behemoth Anaconda. I once saw a porn movie with the same name. Didn’t have any magic trees in it, but it did have quite a stump.

DON’T F–CK IN THE WOODS 2 / October 11, 2022 (Digital)

Follows Don’t F–ck In The Woods (2016). The counsellors at Pine Hills Summer Camp are getting the grounds ready for the upcoming summer season. A mysterious girl shows up, weak and scared from a previous encounter with a vicious creature that killed all her friends. Little do they know that something followed her to the camp and things are about to get slimy and bloody.”

Misleading title. I fell for it the first time. Not this time.

RISE OF THE BEAST / December 6, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“A group of activists break into a corporate facility they know unsolicited animal testing has been taking place. They discover unimaginable horrors but don’t realize until they’re captured the true extent of what it is they’ve been experimenting with. In a race against time to survive, they must escape friend, foe, and a mutated ape if they mean to get out alive and expose this to the world.”

You don’t wanna monkey around with a mutated ape. Vegan or not, those things will eat your face off. 

How Abominable Is This Snow, Man?

Okay, so yeah — I stopped doing this horror/sci-fi movie blog in June of 2019. Was at it for 10 years to the day. I still, though, pop in every so often to approve/reject comments based on how spam-y they are. Was bored today (September 18, 2022) and thought I’d barf up another post just for S&Gs. Will I keep doing this? Maybe-ish. But in the meantime…

Snow Monster (2019), is the Chinese spin on King Kong, which I believe is in a different language than Chinese. I’ll have to do more research.

Speaking of research, a science team in a lab-equipped Sno-Cat, is doing spin-outs around a remote Arctic wasteland, trying to find out why their readings indicate a geo-thermal event. (Somebody must’ve left the lava lamp on.) What they find, besides enough snow to make one trillion billion cocktail ice cubes, is a Yeti with ram horns, or rather one horn as the other looks broken off as if lost in a bar fight.

But this Yeti is 100 feet tall, give or take a few inches. And he eats size-proportionate ice sharks that, get this, swim in ice! WTF? These sharks leap out of the tundra and feast on humans in one big gulp, clothes and all, thereby turning them into (wait for it)…frost bites. Heh.

But the science team gets knocked a cliff and, for all intents, is f’d in the ice-hole. Apparently, no one prepared for things like a dead battery, getting stuck in the snow and rolling 30 times down a cliff. Dumbasses. So now, whoever is left alive, needs rescuing. (See “f’d in the ice-hole.”)

An Indiana Jones drunk dude is hired to find them. He’d rather fight and drink. That is, until he finds out his attractive but cold-as-ice ex is the leader of the science team, so he agrees to lead the recovery team. After he finishes his drink, of course.

Driving a bunch of gun-enhanced teammates up in the hills of China, they find a spooky temple, fall into a black hole, son, and get beaked by prehistoric seagulls. Talk about your peckers of doom. A grenade-type explosion opens a portal to the Arctic, where they literally trip over the wreckage of the science team. It should be noted a clan of snow natives living in caves saved them first. And they’re all dressed like they’re going to spring break in Peoria, IL. (What’s with the mascara and lipstick on the decidedly hot Elder chick? At what Antarctic 7-Eleven™ did she buy that stuff?)

The Elder chick can communicate with Mr. Iced To Meet You and introduces it to their “guests.” I figured he’d just eat ‘em, burp vociferously, and be on his merry way. But no, dang it. And if you didn’t see this coming, the financier of the expedition also found the transportal hole and has showed up with guns and RPGs to capture the Sir Fuzz Fuzz in order to exploit for profit and possibly cash.

Epic snowball fight ensues. Lots of natives and evil guys get aerated by ammunition. But not before two fighter jets come through The Hole and immobilize the Froster in some sort of freeze ray. While this is going on, everybody is still kung-fu fighting (not a racist comment — they were actually doing martial arts). Odd, though, no steam — or “Iced Chi” — was coming out mouths, despite sub-zero temps. The least believable part of the movie.

In conclusion, Snow Monster is for low expectation fans of Kaiju movies, barely bloody, punchy (heh) fight sequences, and snow babes. And hey, the massive creature looks 100% tameable.

P.S. You can watch this free on YouTube™

P.P.S. Stay through the credits.

Going Ape Over Kong, Girls With Crabs, Tattooed Ghosts

Mezcotoyz.com is globally known for making incredibly cool action figures, using characters from Halloween, The Evil Dead and The Exorcist, to Friday The 13th, Dawn of the Dead, It and mucho more. Their latest masterpiece is an 18” tall Kong from Skull Island with, get this — THREE interchangeable heads. This covers a wide range of mood swings.

Pre-orderable now, the ridiculously neato Kong figure ships between November 2019 – January 2020. While the $250.00 asking price is a bit steep, think of how cool Kong would look standing atop a festive fruit arrangement on your dining room table.

Before I head out to buy a dining room table, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as visually pleasing as a festive fruit arrangement…

CRABGIRL (available now/Amazon Prime™)
“A young virgin guy does not manage to have sex with his beloved long-term girlfriend on his 23rd birthday. By putting an ultimatum on their relationship, he acknowledges the incredible truth beyond her rejection.”

Not really a movies (though it should be), this 19-minute film short came out in the Ukraine 2018. Unless the Internet is lying to me. You’d think this is a cautionary tale and a metaphor for STDs, but the crabgirl has an actual beach crab living in her love grotto. Apparently, since she was a kid. Her boyfriend thinks she’s just making excuses to not have sex with him. What follows next is amusingly predictable. But stick around for the twist ending. It will make you LOL.

JOHNNY GHOST (available now)
“Millicent, a professional musician and lecturer, decides to remove her tattoo, only to begin experiencing ghosts from her past.”

Pffft — I’ve removed lots of tattoos and have yet to see one ghost. I don’t care if they are rub-on tats; they still count.

FREAKS (August 23, 2019)
“A disturbed father locks his 7-year-old daughter in a house, warning her of grave dangers outside. But the mysterious Mr. Snowcone convinces the girl to escape and join him on a profound quest for family, freedom, and revenge.”

If some guy named Mr. Snowcone asked me to go come along, I would follow him to the ends of the Earth.

REBORN (2019)
“A stillborn baby girl is abducted by a morgue attendant and brought back to life by electrokinetic power. On her sixteenth birthday, she escapes captivity and sets out to find her birth mother, leaving a trail of destruction behind her.”

Um, would her name happen to be Carrie, by any chance?

Meatloaf Monster

The Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973) is neither. He/she/its an 8-foot mutant sheep born of the poisonous mustard-colored gas seeping from Virginia City’s old mine outside of Reno, Nevada, The Biggest Little City In The World™. (The have loose craps there.)

The town’s historical/hysterical mayor wants to capture the misshapen creature and sell tickets to see this “Eighth Wonder of the World.” Hello — King Kong™ already owns that title, dumbass.

Professor Clemens and his plain-as-paint assistant Mariposa want to study the creature. Eddie, a down-on-his-luck shepherd, is standing by as he was the one who found the beast when it was just the size of a glistening meatloaf, claiming ownership. And Godmonster, kept in a glass incubator with mustard-colored gas being pumped in, grows about a foot a day. In height, not as in needing an extra shoe.

Unfortunately, most of the movie is spent on an African-American real estate broker who is looking to buy the old mine for his clients, but meets resistance from the town’s old school ways. Mayor Silverdale is a racist and sets up Barnstable (the real estate dude — awful name) for a crime he didn’t commit just so he and his cronies can hunt it down and throw an old fashioned Texas necktie party.

But Godmonster will not stand for such social prejudices. Breaking out of his confines, he shambles across the land, looking like the world’s most disgusting laundry basket with an oatmeal face. Mariposa, who raised him from the toaster oven, tracks the butt-ugly beast in hopes of convincing it to return to the lab. Of the numerous you-gotta-be-kidding-me scenes, it’s the one where Mariposa starts dancing with Godmonster as she tries to calm him down. Where’s mustard-colored gas when you need it?

Two more scenes of mess destruction occur when the creature crashes a little girl’s outdoor birthday party, resulting in the dropping of hot dog and the scattering of potato chip. The second one is slightly more graphic, and ends with a gas station being blown up. If you’re gonna roast hot dogs, now would be the time to do it. 

Eventually GM is surrounded by cowboys on horseback, hog-tied and put on display for profit. As Mayor Silverdale whips the crowd into a frenzy, they turn on him — and Godmonster, too. Guilt by association. Apparently, the slow-leaking gas affects humans just as much. Think of it as farting times a million.

Godmonster, caught in the middle of it all, ends up in the garbage dump. All he wanted to do was rock hard and ride free, but The Man wouldn’t let him. I think there is a lesson to be learned here. If only I knew what it was.

Seafood Slaughter

Thank movie goodness the nearby nuclear power plant leaked 46,000 gallons of radioactive water into the sea. If it weren’t for that, we never would’ve had a plausible explanation for that house-sized sea crab going all King Kong on an unnamed island that has citizens, a nuclear power plant, dirt toads, a bar (state capital), drunk fishermen (see “bar”), and a biological lab experimenting on crabs to get them to grow bigger to help solve the world’s food shortage. (But what if you’re allergic to seafood? Best to fall back on fish-shaped candy bars.)

While things are going along swimmingly at the Crab Lab, hundreds of shelled pinchers are walking sideways out of the sea and into the surrounding jungle. Most are the size of Red Lobster’s™ Crispy Lobster and Waffles platter. (Only 1080 calories, in case you’re wondering.)

The crabs make daring day-time attack overtures, one on a bicycling, pretty young reporter researching a human interest story on the lab and their work. She ends up in the arms of the sun-bleached lab assistant, who wears shorts to work, but long pants to the seaside. Stylish, and yet oddly unpretentious.

The town bar’s banjo/piano player, who lives in a modified school bus, gets a bad case of the crabs, and, while using his banjo to beat on the hundreds of ‘em crawling into his humble abode, ends up setting his place on fire. An unseen giant something (probably a radioactive clam) turns over the bus. Burnt, pinched and smooshed. I hear there’s a job opening at The Half Shell drinketeria.

While this is going on, a boatload of Haitian refugees make shore and head for the woods — yet another place you can catch crabs. More crustacean attacks on people and property. Thinking it’s the Haitians committing that crimes, the whole town gets their angry-villager on to hunt and shoot them with bullet-powered guns.

The climax of the cheesy Island Claws (1980) takes place when the giant crab — roaring like a reverse sea lion — smashes houses (but thankfully only the window of the bar) and starts nut-crackering people in half. Moody, the bar’s owner, and the short shorts wearing lab dude crawl on top of the beast, and make stabbing happen. Didn’t catch the alpha crab’s name, so you’ll just have to call him “Alphy.”

So how come only one crab grew to the size of a Red Lobster restaurant and not all those hundreds of others that would look better on a menu than in your house? I’ll let you know after I boil a crab in radioactive water and submerse it in a spent fuel pool of nuclear-melted butter. I’m thinkin’ answers and yum.

Bigfoot’s Big Butte

In Sasquatch Mountain (aka, Devil On The Mountain/2006) — his third role in a Sasquatch flick — the legendary Lance Henriksen is the go-to guy for movies about Bigfoot. They should just start calling him “Hairy and the Henriksen.” (OK, now THAT was pretty darn clever.) Lance, though, is way more cooler as a hardened mountain man than I would’ve been. Hard to sell yourself as a believable outdoorsman while wearing a KISS T-shirt that smells like Bounce™.

A gang of bank robbers steal money from Lance’s small town bank and kill a cop in the process. Making a frantic getaway, they’re involved in a car crash with a supermodel with a low top who was making her getaway from a lousy marriage. The criminals take the supermodel hostage and head for the hills. Guess who lives there — Lance…and Sasquatch.

The mythical (ahem) beast is the reason Lance’s wife was killed 12 years earlier. No one believed him, so he kinda became that guy who “saw a UFO” type dude. While the criminals run through the woods, so doth Sasquatch, snapping in half the good guys because hey, Sas can’t differentiate between those that point guns at him and those that flee.

The cops follow and it turns into a stand-off until Sasquatch balances the scales of justice. Now the criminals and the cops have to work together to escape Sasquatch’s fuzzy wrath. Lots of character development with colorful dialogue. But it’s Lance who outshines them all. (He even calls one of the criminals “Pumpkinhead,” a tongue-in-cheek reference to his other mythical beast movie.)

Sasquatch, though, is overly hairy and looks like a heavy metal King Kong, but not as tall. He has a great howl, that will make your butt hairs stand on end — your REAR end.

Craig Wasson, who plays the lead criminal, hasn’t changed his hair since Nightmare on Elm Street III: Dream Warriors(1987) And that was 20 years ago. Then again, I haven’t changed my hair since birth. Sasquatch Mountain has its flaws (unlikely cop and criminal behavior patterns/situations), but hey, what Sasquatch movie doesn’t? Until I star in one, anyway.

Restored Zombies, Giant Animals, Predictable Slashers

If you’re not doing anything on February 13, 2018, you can buy Criterion’s 4k digital restoration of Night of the Living Dead. Yeah, we’ve all seen the movie a billion times. But this one comes with new snazzy features, like the never-before-seen 16mm dailies reel, new programs about the editing, the score, and directing ghouls and an essay by film critic Stuart Klawans. There’s lots more, but this is already starting to feel like a to-do list.

While we impatiently wait to see YET ANOTHER repackage of the same movie we’ve seen a billion times, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies you that you may or may not watch a billion times…

AMERICAN BIGFOOT (aka, Kampout/available now)
“Enraged by the murder of it’s offspring, a Bigfoot rampages through the countryside of Southeast Ohio. Detective Benson, Ranger Thomas and Bigfoot researcher Hank scramble to locate the legendary creature before it attacks a group of teenagers on a camping trip in an isolated place called Kampout.”

Of course Bigfoot’s an American. So much so, I’m surprised his fur isn’t red, brown and blue. And whoever killed the Bigkid, deserves to taste the business end of an American boot.

THE STRANGERS: PREY AT NIGHT (March, 2018)
“A family’s road trip takes a dangerous turn when they arrive at a secluded mobile home park to stay with some relatives and find it mysteriously deserted. Under the cover of darkness, three masked psychopaths pay them a visit to test the family’s every limit as they struggle to survive.”

Second verse, same as the first. Surprised as to why it’s taken 10 years to barf up a sequel. Not surprised that all they did was move the location and slap a limp biscuit of a title on it.

RAMPAGE (April 20, 2018)
“The first privately owned space station is destroyed by a mysterious experiment done on board. Three canisters from the crash land on Earth. One lands in the gorilla enclosure at the San Diego Zoo, the other in the plains of Wyoming and the last one in the Florida Everglades. The Griffin Technologies Group, headed by two siblings, tries to destroy any evidence of wrongdoing before the government finds out. It’s too late because the canisters have infected a gorilla named George, a wolf in Wyoming and an alligator. They start evolving and growing exponentially. To cover their tracks, the Griffin idiots decide to unleash a beacon that will make all three large animals head toward one destination: their head office located in the Willis Tower in Chicago.”

A giant gorilla, wolf and alligator. King Kong and Crocosaurus should sue for face infringement. As for the giant forest dog, good luck finding a proportional fire hydrant.

FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD (November 16, 2018)
“Grindelwald had escaped from the Wizard Cops and is preparing to build up his evil army. Young Dumbledore will enlist his favorite student, Newt, to help fight said army. Tragic and powerful Credence has possibly been turned to the dark side, though he seemed pretty annoyed when Grindelwald betrayed him.”

Another money-printing Harry Potter prequel. Too bad the press release just spoiled it by telling us Grindelwald got away from the Wizard Cops. I wanted to be the one to do it.