Archive for King Kong

Neighborhood Gorillas, Lady Krampus, Rappin’ Snakes

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

King Kong

Ammon Smith of Salt Lake City, Utah knows how to throw down for Halloween. This year he built — using wooden boxes, chicken wire, trash bags, black fabric and pool noodles (I don’t know what those are, but they sound cool) and paint — to create a massive King Kong Halloween display in his front yard. No word on whether or not he’s handing out screaming citizens instead of candy.

King Kong

With “Kong” clutching a Barbie doll and battling bi-planes, clearly, we all want Ammon, a 33 year-old woodworker, to live in our neighborhood. According to the Salt Lake Tribune, it took Ammon 80 to 100 hours to complete the ultimate Halloween yard decoration. That’s about how many hours a week I lay around watching monster movies. Just think of what I could create for my yard on Halloween if I got off my unmotivated booty instead of turning my couch into a Jell-O™ mold of my entire body. (The comfortable sitting device kinda looks like a pod from Invasion of the Body Snatchers/1956).

While we bask in our own jealousy that we didn’t do anything nearly as cool to commemorate Halloween, here are a few just released horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries to help pull us out of our collective shame spiral…

Haunters: Art of the Scare

HAUNTERS: ART OF THE SCARE (available now)
Haunters is a heart-warming and heart-stopping documentary about people who sacrifice everything to create the most popular and polarizing haunted houses for Halloween — from boo-scare mazes to a controversial new subculture of extreme terror experiences.”

Fun stuff, although I’m partial to real haunted houses with real ghosts, mostly because you don’t have to pay to get in. That, and there’s something kinda liberating to soil one’s britches in public after having the groceries scared outta you. Okay, I probably said too much.

Metalball Machine: Kodoku

MEATBALL MACHINE: KODOKU (available now)
“A lonely man’s life is thrown into chaos when alien parasites turn a city’s average citizens into kill-crazy cyborg creatures.”

If you saw Meatball Machine (2005), let’s just hope you’re not a vegetarian, otherwise this hyper-gory sequel might make you decorate your Old Navy™ shirt with recycled beef stroganoff.

Mother Krampus

MOTHER KRAMPUS (November 7, 2017/DVD)
“For the 12 days before the Christmas of 1921, children went missing near the local towns woods. A traumatized girl was found, but her mind had gone – she later died of her horrific injuries. Just before the Christmas of 1992, a further five children disappeared again. Their bodies were found in the same woods. Angry and seeking vengeance, the locals hung a woman they believed to be the killer. But before dying, she cursed the town that one day the Christmas Witch, Frau Perchta, would come for them to avenge her death. 25 years later, the story has become little more than a local myth. But as children start to go missing again, everyone begins to wonder if the tales of a curse might be true. This Christmas it’s not only the children that are in danger, it’s the adults too.”

A woman Krampus. Seems kinda redundant as lots of women (and me) turn into “monsters” when they get “crampuses” during certain periods (sorry) of their life. As for the plot, all they did was switch out the old woman (example: see Darkness Falls/2003 with the “tooth fairy” coming back for revenge) and let hilarity ensue.

Snake Outta Compton

SNAKE OUTTA COMPTON (2018)
“A young rap group suddenly finds themselves up against a giant, mutated snake that threatens to destroy their search for stardom. Aided by two corrupt cops, a crazed gangster, and a mad scientist, the band has one thing to do before getting the record deal they need; get that motherf**kin’ snake outta Compton! Prepare yourself for dope ass beats, unfriendly fire, and the biggest, nastiest snake you’ve ever seen in this outrageous satire of creature features, urban gangster films, and hip hop culture.”

Just when you think no one can come up with a snappy horror movie name. Snake Outta Compton might very well get title of the year. I just hope rap icon/legend Ice Cube makes a cameo.

This Snake Takes The Cake

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snakeman

Snakeman (aka, The Snake King) came out in 2005 on the SyFy™ Channel and starred/stars Stephen Baldwin, who always looks like he’s striking a pose in front of a mirror only he can see.

Snakeman

So I watched the Hindu dubbed version of Snakeman on YouTube™. (It was titled Anakonda vs. Kink Kong. There was no Kink Kong, but the snake did eat a kinky monkey, so there you go.) It’s so poorly overdubbed that when someone shoots at the seven-headed giant snake (located in the heart of the steamy Amazon (jungle, not the one-stop shopping place on the Internet with free delivery if you have a Prime™ account), you don’t hear the rifle blasts for a few seconds later. For some reason I found that to be quite entertaining.

Snakeman

Baldwin plays Matt Ford (had to look that up as I don’t quite grasp the nuances of Hindi linguistics), a helicopter pilot who leads a team of researchers deep into the snake-filled Amazon by way of crashing said helicopter. The group includes Dr. Susan Elters, who looks like a Canadian version of Kim Basinger. Most everybody is eventually swallowed whole by the snake, which is the size of a regular snake times one million. Again, quite entertaining.

Snakeman

So why was everybody gooning out in the jungle in the first place? Seems the Fountain of Youth might be there (it is) and everyone wants to get their unwashed hands on it. Meanwhile, warring natives (I call them “Junglonians”) throw spears and shoot arrows at everyone. Most the time they miss their target, but hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Snakeman

A rival helicopter shows up and a bunch of gunners try to get the youth juice for their own science profits. This is where the best scene happens. The meanest of the para-military guys is grabbed by both legs and arms by the snake and is handily (sorry) turned into a screaming torso. The biggest snake noggin leans down and nips the head off the still screaming guy as if snacking on M&Ms, where it melts in its mouth, not in its glands.

Watch the Hindu dubbed version of Snakeman, because sometimes understanding the dialogue just isn’t that important to the plot.

King Kong, Godzilla, Dinosaur Floaties

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bonejangles

Been following the development of the remake of King Kong vs. Godzilla (the first ppv match-up — aka “The Gorilla in Manila” — went down in 1962.) No pun intended, but there’s a HUGE logistic the filmmakers need to deal with: King Kong was 100 feet tall in Kong: Skull Island (2017), the biggest he’s ever been. However, in 2016’s Shin Godzilla (aka, Godzilla: Resurgence), the king of monsters shook, rattled and rolled skyscrapers at 387 feet. You see where I’m going with this.

So by pitting Kong against Godzilla in 2020 (projected), they’re either going to have to make the monkey four times his current stature, or shrink Godzilla down 287 feet. As science tells us, you don’t/can’t/shouldn’t make Godzilla smaller. (In King Kong vs. Godzilla they were both about the same height: 164 feet tall, give or take a few chimneys.)

A few unsolicited options: #1: Make four Kongs and stack ’em. #2: Have Godzilla stuck halfway down some sort of quicksand pit or really deep hot tub. #3: Monkey foot-shaped platform shoes. I could keep this up all day.

Speaking of glaring discrepancies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll either make sense or they won’t…

BONEJANGLES (July 18, 2017)
“While transporting the legendary serial killer Bonejangles to an asylum, a group of police officers break down in a town cursed with demonic zombies. The only way they can survive the night and save the town is to release Bonejangles to help them fight the curse, with something much worse.”

Not to be confused with the Bonejangles from 2005’s Corpse Bride (He sang/sings at the Ball and Socket Pub.) Hard, though, to take a serial killer who names himself Bonejangles seriously. Come back to me with something like Knifey McCutter and we’ll talk.

Suspiria

SUSPIRIA (2017/2018)
Susie Bannion, a young American woman, travels to the prestigious Markos Tanz Company in Berlin in 1977, arriving just as one of its members, Patricia, has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. As Susie makes extraordinary progress under the guidance of Madame Blanc, the Company’s revolutionary artistic director, she befriends another dancer, Sara, who shares her suspicions that the Matrons, and the Company itself, may be harboring a dark and menacing secret.”

Yep, YET ANOTHER remake, the first one making its same name back in 1977. It was Italian, so if you plan on watching it, plan on reading it as well. Unless you’re Italian. If so, go nuts.

Mab

MAB (2017)
Rosie and her mother, Kris struggle to make ends meet. Their only source of income comes from the daily delivery Rosie makes to the mysterious Mab. But what are these deliveries and what impact will this have on their lives of those around them? A magical realism short that uncovers the sacrifices people make to take control of their lives and the evil that lurks in the darkness of desperation.”

A smattering of research reveals that Mab is one of the moons of Uranus and/or a fairy in Shakespeare’s play Romeo and Juliet. Or it could mean “multi-armed bandit.” (A reference to a criminal octopus, perhaps?) However you cast it, this one’s gonna be a rough sell to Mab Darogan, a figure of Welsh legend.

Jurassic World — Fallen Kingdom

JURASSIC WORLD – FALLEN KINGDOM (June 22, 2018)
“With all of the wonder, adventure and thrills synonymous with one of the most popular and successful franchises in cinema history, this all-new motion-picture event sees the return of favorite characters and dinosaurs along with new breeds more awe-inspiring and terrifying than ever before.”

The first official poster for the Flintstones of the Future. So yeah, more unleashed dinosaurs. Have to say, I did like the Mosasaurus, that badass swimming pool dinosaur in Jurassic World (2015). The pool rules were simple: you cannonball in and you don’t cannonball out.

Godzilla vs. Science Mumbo Jumbo

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla vs. Science

A recent (as of June 17, 2017) article written by Dan Zinski on Screenrant.com had famed (and darned entertaining) celebrity scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson explaining why the existence of Godzilla is scientifically impossible. And yet we have over 50 movies featuring Godzilla stomping all over science. Why would movies lie to us?

Godzilla vs. Science

Dr. Tyson goes on to say that “Godzilla could never exist outside of a fictional universe because the laws of physics simply would not allow for it. Essentially, a lizard-like being as huge as Godzilla would be too heavy for his limbs and would collapse under his own weight.”

Did he just call Godzilla fat?

“As you get bigger,” he says, “your weight goes up according to your column. But the strength of your limbs goes up only according to your cross-sectional area — so it’s a matter of area versus volume.”

Godzilla vs. King Kong

Godzilla would collapse under his own weight into a puddle of guts. It’s why heavy animals have thicker legs. So you can’t just scale up an insect and make them big.”

Try telling that to those bus-sized grasshoppers in The Beginning of the End (1957). But I’m skeptical over his cross-sectional statement because, depending on the species, a mere ant can lift 10 to 50 times its own weight. Scale ‘em up to 7-Eleven™ size as in Them! (1954) and the physics go out the window.

Beginning of the End / Them!

But Dr. Tyson’s argument flames the fans a bit more: “It completely negates half the horror movies of the 1950s…”

Perhaps. But Dr. Tyson does allow for a loophole that allows the Godzilla movies to get away with having a giant lizard who, in reality, would not be able to support his own weight. And this clause is radiation.

Godzilla vs. Science

From the article: “Godzilla was awakened by radiation and given super-powers. Like Spider-Man, Godzilla was altered on a sub-atomic level and is now capable of doing things that he should not be able to do, like stomp on buildings, breathe fire and withstand endless attacks with missiles, bombs and all the other weapons humanity can concoct.”

Swish— nothin’ but net! So yes, Godzilla can exist outside of a fictional universe. Now we can all calm down. Watch Shin Gidzilla (2016) with its annoying sub-titles, and marvel over nature’s miracle as it squashes us like we’ve been doing to ants for millenia.

Megoladon vs. School Bus

P.S. The Megalodon shark — PROVEN by fossils — grew up to 60 — 75 feet long. Where’s your science argument now, lab coat?

Pools of Horror, Zombie Submarines, Misshapen Monsters

Posted in Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 31, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

12 Feet Deep

Just watched Unacknowledged (2017), that amazing documentary on the disclosure cover-up of UFOS and the technology they bring to the conspiracy dinner table. Did you know the government has known about UFOs since the late ’40s and that they won’t publicly admit it? if I was an alien, I’d be hot around the lunar collar that I went to all that trouble to come here, just to be associated with that whole “fake news” hoopla. So much for cordial relations with our space brothers.

Speaking of hoopla, here are a few new horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be fake…

12 FEET DEEP (June 20, 2017/VOD)
“Sisters Bree and Jonna get trapped beneath the fiberglass cover of an Olympic sized public pool after it closes for the holiday weekend. They find themselves at the mercy of the night janitor, Clara, who sees the trapped sisters as an opportunity to solve a few problems of her own.”

This one was originally titled The Deep End. I think a porn movie already locked up that one. The plot is just a reworking of 2010’s Frozen, wherein two guys and a gal get stuck halfway up the mountain on a ski lift that just closed for the weekend. Which begs the question — would you rather freeze to death or be trapped in a public pool that also serves as a all-inclusive toilet for the less discreet among us? Think I’d take my chances on becoming a human popsicle.

Dark Beacon

DARK BEACON (2017)
Amy Wilcock loves the married Beth Gadbsy with a fierce and tragic passion. When Beth’s distraught husband Christian dies in an emotional intervention, the now widow disappears with her daughter Maya into secret seclusion. Amy eventually tracks Beth down to a distant lighthouse only to find her broken and maddened in the midst of an alcoholic abyss. But that is not all she finds. They shockingly discover that the spirit of Beth’s spurned husband will not rest until he takes the surviving trio with him. Can Amy save them all from the spiral of madness and the crazed and hell-bent supernatural threat?”

First thought — waaaay too much plot getting in the way of a simple ghost story. For a really fun/funny (it was meant to be serious, but I didn’t interpret it as such) back-from-the-dead lighthouse/beach movie, give 1960s’ Tormented a spin. In that one a jazz musician “accidentally” kills his side trim (jazz term for “groupie”) by “letting” her fall from a lighthouse. She, of course, comes back from the dead, headless and yelling her head off, “Tom Howard killed me!” Those could be good lyrics for a snappy dance number if Tom would just roll with it.

Operation Ragnarok

OPERATION RAGNAROK (2017)
“In a town in southern Sweden, tensions between the locals and immigrants grow. Meanwhile, a submarine carrying a strange plague enters the town. The crew infects police officers out to investigate and a full-blooded outbreak begins. The town is isolated by the Swedish army, but the survivors inside, immigrants and locals alike, must band together against the infected.”

This one was originally titled Zon 261. I don’t know what a Zon is. As for the plague aboard the submarine, you sure it just isn’t a case of jock itch gone wild shared by guys stuck underwater for weeks on end with no windows to air out the place?

The Blob

THE BLOB (2018)
“When a band of miners uncover something hidden deep beneath the earth they unwittingly unleash a hideous creature beyond imagination. Now the townsfolk must fightback, before it destroys everything.”

A remake of a remake of a sequel of a cool 1958 horror movie starring a young Steve McQueen. Really glad back then they made the blob a reddish brown (and growing more red as it consumes screaming citizens). If I saw a big brown blob headed down the street, I’d totally cover my nose and reach for a case of Febreze™ because it could be that King Kong just dropped one heckuva steamer.

Pet Monsters, Human Monsters, Religious Monsters

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Okja

The neighborhood had one of those community garage sales the other day. it’s always fun to rummage through other people’s crap. Hit pay dirt, though, when I found a box of ‘80s horror movies on VHS tape for .25 cents each.

I was so happy until I got home and realized I don’t have a VHS player. Sigh. Might as well go listen to that box of 8-tracks I also scored for about the same price and… Oh, crud; I don’t have an 8-track player, either. There’s $2.00 I’ll never see again.

On that Einstein note, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi that may or may not be worth .25 cents to watch…

OKJA (June 28, 2917/Netflix)
“For 10 idyllic years, young Mija has been caretaker and constant companion to Okja – a massive animal and an even bigger friend – at her home in the mountains of South Korea. But that changes when the family-owned multinational conglomerate Mirando Corporation takes Okja for themselves and transports her to New York, where image obsessed and self-promoting CEO Lucy Mirando has big plans for Mija’s dearest friend.”

Sounds like a re-imagineering of King Kong/Mighty Joe Young. And looking at the giant creature’s silhouette (is that a French word? Sure the heck seems like it is), it probably eats about 100 pounds of food per meal. At first glance I thought it was a hippo. But when was the last time you saw a hippo on a leash? That’s like putting a turtleneck sweater on a  giraffe.

The Monster Project

THE MONSTER PROJECT (2017)
“A recovering drug addict takes a job with a documentary crew who plans to interview three subjects who claim to be real life monsters.”

Sounds cool. Although what kind of monsters are they? Day vampires? Half moon werewolves? Republicans? Noisy neighbors who won’t quit making noise no matter how much I pound on the ceiling?

A Closer Walk With Thee

A CLOSER WALK WITH THEE (2017)
“Four young evangelical missionaries set up a house church in inner-city Los Angeles to try and save the neighborhood from a Satanist gang. Jordan is a good Christian kid, except that he’s starting to have impure sexual thoughts about his close friend and fellow missionary Eli. When he’s caught watching Eli shower, he is outed to the group and painfully ostracized – until Eli, who happens to be a fledgling exorcist, suggests that a demonic possession might be causing these Jordan’s feelings. Jordan begins to enact signs of possession, prompting Eli to take action. What begins as a ritualistic method of trying to save their friendship quickly spirals out of control and descends into darkness and violence.”

Only a religious nutbag would think homosexuality is a sign of demonic possession. The irony here is that the “fledgling exorcist” is probably gay himself. Gay people don’t need to be exorcised, but religious freaks do.

Summer of '84

SUMMER OF ‘84 (2017/2018)
“Growing up on a quiet cul-de-sac in Ipswich, Massachusetts, Davey’s desperate to believe there’s more to life than what he sees from his bedroom window. But Davey thirsts for more. As their investigation heats up, Davey and his best buds soon discover Mr. Mackey is onto them and their suspicions quickly become all too real.”

The pre-production artwork reveals that there’s a serial killer living in the neighborhood. I bet he doesn’t mow his lawn, but rather hacks it. Heh. For a superior and hard-to-watch serial killer in the neighborhood movie, watch The Lovely Bones (2009). You’ll probably need counseling afterward. Or a hug.

King Kong’s Illegitimate Step-Brother

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

A.P.E.

There were/are a lot of titles for the 1976 South Korean King Kong rip-off, A.P.E. (I think that stands for “A Primate Enlarged.”) There’s Super Ape, King Kong Returns, King Kong eui daeyeokseup, The Great Counterattack of King-Kong, Attack of the Giant Horny Gorilla, and Hideous Mutant. I get horny gorilla, but hideous mutant? It’s a 36-foot monkey, not a result of in-breeding. Then again…

A.P.E.

Speaking of gone wrong, A.P.E. is right in the wheelhouse of campy z-grade, starting with the gorilla busting out of his Uber oil tanker, then, in the middle of the ocean (which appears to be only waist deep) battles a shark and rips it in two after much hammy splashing.

A.P.E.

The not-Kong makes it to shore and goes on a stomping spree. The military has a hard time believing the frantic calls about the brute busting a move as well as buildings. Meanwhile, Ape fights off a giant snake, kids in the park and someone out for a relaxing hang glide.

A.P.E.

Nearby a movie actress, whose boyfriend kisses her like a Grouper fish swallowing a smaller Grouper fish, is doing a forced-into-sex scene. Ape goes ape for the gal, hunts her down (grabbing her during a puppet show — don’t ask), and the rest of the movie is one long headfirst plunge down the silly slide.

A.P.E.

Not surprisingly the movie studio behind this a.r.t. was sued for big bananas due to its similarity to the also goofy King Kong remake, released in 1976 as well. But this one had Ape flipping off the military during a failed attack. Didn’t even see so much as an “up your nose with a rubber hose” in the Dino De Laurentiis version.