Archive for King Kong

Ape Kings, Vacation Snakes, Social Demons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

This is way better than that Christmas thing — Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes is in the works for a 2024 release. This makes my banana tingle, what with being a PoA fan since my birth in a dense jungle.

Here’s what is known thus far: “The story takes place after the events of War for the Planet of the Apes (2017), and continues to follow Caesar’s legacy.”

Caesar, if you were inexcusably unaware, is the first ape to talk, and subsequently, talk back. He’s the guy who organized a revolt against presumably tick-free humans in 1972’s Conquest for the Planet of the Apes and made household pets out of them. (Shortly thereafter, there was a run on bigger litter boxes.)

The Planet of the Apes universe started with La Planète des singes, a 1963 book by French guy, Pierre Boulle. To this day, no one knows how to pronounce his last name. What followed were nine movies, a cartoon and live action TV series, as well as a planet of comics, books, video games, toys and swag. King Kong was bitch-ass jealous.

While we throw feces around waiting for this movie to get made (in solidarity with zoo monkeys who fling their poo because zoos won’t give ’em a ball to play with), here are a few upcoming horror movies/sci-fi that may or be compared to an extra-large litter box…

DEINFLUENCER / October 1, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“Kelly wakes up to find that she is being held hostage by a masked kidnapper and needs to complete a series of social media challenges to ensure her safety.”

The social media challenges are necessary: Cancel your Facebook™, Instagram™, Twitter™ and Tik-Tok™ accounts, quit taking fish-lip selfies and posting ‘em for other fish-lips to see, and trade your smart phone for a freakin’ life. 

PYTHON ISLAND / October 4, 2022 (DVD)

“In a village where snake-catching is the livelihood of most of the local populace, a magical tree grew. Because of the tree’s benevolence, it saved one small snake from the villagers and named it “Little Flower.”

“Many years later, Xiaoshu has become a biological researcher, exploring the secrets of genes. Unfortunately, his colleagues with ulterior motives use the power of the magical tree to break into a forbidden area by ​​the snake-catching village: the island where intruders are eaten alive. The island is filled with moisture and weirdness, and it seems there are eyes everywhere; staring at every move made by intruders.”

“Filled with moisture and weirdness.” Are they making fun of me? This movie was released in China in 2021 under the title, Behemoth Anaconda. I once saw a porn movie with the same name. Didn’t have any magic trees in it, but it did have quite a stump.

DON’T F–CK IN THE WOODS 2 / October 11, 2022 (Digital)

Follows Don’t F–ck In The Woods (2016). The counsellors at Pine Hills Summer Camp are getting the grounds ready for the upcoming summer season. A mysterious girl shows up, weak and scared from a previous encounter with a vicious creature that killed all her friends. Little do they know that something followed her to the camp and things are about to get slimy and bloody.”

Misleading title. I fell for it the first time. Not this time.

RISE OF THE BEAST / December 6, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“A group of activists break into a corporate facility they know unsolicited animal testing has been taking place. They discover unimaginable horrors but don’t realize until they’re captured the true extent of what it is they’ve been experimenting with. In a race against time to survive, they must escape friend, foe, and a mutated ape if they mean to get out alive and expose this to the world.”

You don’t wanna monkey around with a mutated ape. Vegan or not, those things will eat your face off. 

How Abominable Is This Snow, Man?

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , on September 18, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Okay, so yeah — I stopped doing this horror/sci-fi movie blog in June of 2019. Was at it for 10 years to the day. I still, though, pop in every so often to approve/reject comments based on how spam-y they are. Was bored today (September 18, 2022) and thought I’d barf up another post just for S&Gs. Will I keep doing this? Maybe-ish. But in the meantime…

Snow Monster (2019), is the Chinese spin on King Kong, which I believe is in a different language than Chinese. I’ll have to do more research.

Speaking of research, a science team in a lab-equipped Sno-Cat, is doing spin-outs around a remote Arctic wasteland, trying to find out why their readings indicate a geo-thermal event. (Somebody must’ve left the lava lamp on.) What they find, besides enough snow to make one trillion billion cocktail ice cubes, is a Yeti with ram horns, or rather one horn as the other looks broken off as if lost in a bar fight.

But this Yeti is 100 feet tall, give or take a few inches. And he eats size-proportionate ice sharks that, get this, swim in ice! WTF? These sharks leap out of the tundra and feast on humans in one big gulp, clothes and all, thereby turning them into (wait for it)…frost bites. Heh.

But the science team gets knocked a cliff and, for all intents, is f’d in the ice-hole. Apparently, no one prepared for things like a dead battery, getting stuck in the snow and rolling 30 times down a cliff. Dumbasses. So now, whoever is left alive, needs rescuing. (See “f’d in the ice-hole.”)

An Indiana Jones drunk dude is hired to find them. He’d rather fight and drink. That is, until he finds out his attractive but cold-as-ice ex is the leader of the science team, so he agrees to lead the recovery team. After he finishes his drink, of course.

Driving a bunch of gun-enhanced teammates up in the hills of China, they find a spooky temple, fall into a black hole, son, and get beaked by prehistoric seagulls. Talk about your peckers of doom. A grenade-type explosion opens a portal to the Arctic, where they literally trip over the wreckage of the science team. It should be noted a clan of snow natives living in caves saved them first. And they’re all dressed like they’re going to spring break in Peoria, IL. (What’s with the mascara and lipstick on the decidedly hot Elder chick? At what Antarctic 7-Eleven™ did she buy that stuff?)

The Elder chick can communicate with Mr. Iced To Meet You and introduces it to their “guests.” I figured he’d just eat ‘em, burp vociferously, and be on his merry way. But no, dang it. And if you didn’t see this coming, the financier of the expedition also found the transportal hole and has showed up with guns and RPGs to capture the Sir Fuzz Fuzz in order to exploit for profit and possibly cash.

Epic snowball fight ensues. Lots of natives and evil guys get aerated by ammunition. But not before two fighter jets come through The Hole and immobilize the Froster in some sort of freeze ray. While this is going on, everybody is still kung-fu fighting (not a racist comment — they were actually doing martial arts). Odd, though, no steam — or “Iced Chi” — was coming out mouths, despite sub-zero temps. The least believable part of the movie.

In conclusion, Snow Monster is for low expectation fans of Kaiju movies, barely bloody, punchy (heh) fight sequences, and snow babes. And hey, the massive creature looks 100% tameable.

P.S. You can watch this free on YouTube

P.P.S. Stay through the credits.

Going Ape Over Kong, Girls With Crabs, Tattooed Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Kong: Skull Island

Mezcotoyz.com is globally known for making incredibly cool action figures, using characters from Halloween, The Evil Dead and The Exorcist, to Friday The 13th, Dawn of the Dead, It and mucho more. Their latest masterpiece is an 18” tall Kong from Skull Island with, get this — THREE interchangeable heads. This covers a wide range of mood swings.

Kong: Skull Island

Pre-orderable now, the ridiculously neato Kong figure ships between November 2019 – January 2020. While the $250.00 asking price is a bit steep, think of how cool Kong would look standing atop a festive fruit arrangement on your dining room table.

Kong: Skull Island

Before I head out to buy a dining room table, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as visually pleasing as a festive fruit arrangement…

Crabgirl

CRABGIRL (available now/Amazon Prime™)
“A young virgin guy does not manage to have sex with his beloved long-term girlfriend on his 23rd birthday. By putting an ultimatum on their relationship, he acknowledges the incredible truth beyond her rejection.”

Not really a movies (though it should be), this 19-minute film short came out in the Ukraine 2018. Unless the Internet is lying to me. You’d think this is a cautionary tale and a metaphor for STDs, but the crabgirl has an actual beach crab living in her love grotto. Apparently, since she was a kid. Her boyfriend thinks she’s just making excuses to not have sex with him. What follows next is amusingly predictable. But stick around for the twist ending. It will make you LOL.

Johnny Ghost

JOHNNY GHOST (available now)
Millicent, a professional musician and lecturer, decides to remove her tattoo, only to begin experiencing ghosts from her past.”

Pffft — I’ve removed lots of tattoos and have yet to see one ghost. I don’t care if they are rub-on tats; they still count.

Freaks

FREAKS (August 23, 2019)
“A disturbed father locks his 7-year-old daughter in a house, warning her of grave dangers outside. But the mysterious Mr. Snowcone convinces the girl to escape and join him on a profound quest for family, freedom, and revenge.”

If some guy named Mr. Snowcone asked me to go come along, I would follow him to the ends of the Earth.

Reborn

REBORN (2019)
“A stillborn baby girl is abducted by a morgue attendant and brought back to life by electrokinetic power. On her sixteenth birthday, she escapes captivity and sets out to find her birth mother, leaving a trail of destruction behind her.”

Um, would her name happen to be Carrie, by any chance?

Meatloaf Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 28, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godmonster of Indian Flats

The Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973) is neither. He/she/its an 8-foot mutant sheep born of the poisonous mustard-colored gas seeping from Virginia City’s old mine outside of Reno, Nevada, The Biggest Little City In The World™. (The have loose craps there.)

Godmonster of Indian Flats

The town’s historical/hysterical mayor wants to capture the misshapen creature and sell tickets to see this “Eighth Wonder of the World.” Hello — King Kong™ already owns that title, dumbass.

Godmonster of Indian FlatsProfessor Clemens and his plain-as-paint assistant Mariposa want to study the creature. Eddie, a down-on-his-luck shepherd, is standing by as he was the one who found the beast when it was just the size of a glistening meatloaf, claiming ownership. And Godmonster, kept in a glass incubator with mustard-colored gas being pumped in, grows about a foot a day. In height, not as in needing an extra shoe.

Godmonster of Indian Flats

Unfortunately, most of the movie is spent on an African-American real estate broker who is looking to buy the old mine for his clients, but meets resistance from the town’s old school ways. Mayor Silverdale is a racist and sets up Barnstable (the real estate dude — awful name) for a crime he didn’t commit just so he and his cronies can hunt it down and throw an old fashioned Texas necktie party.

Godmonster of Indian Flats

But Godmonster will not stand for such social prejudices. Breaking out of his confines, he shambles across the land, looking like the world’s most disgusting laundry basket with an oatmeal face. Mariposa, who raised him from the toaster oven, tracks the butt-ugly beast in hopes of convincing it to return to the lab. Of the numerous you-gotta-be-kidding-me scenes, it’s the one where Mariposa starts dancing with Godmonster as she tries to calm him down. Where’s mustard-colored gas when you need it?

Godmonster of Indian Flats

Two more scenes of mess destruction occur when the creature crashes a little girl’s outdoor birthday party, resulting in the dropping of hot dog and the scattering of potato chip. The second one is slightly more graphic, and ends with a gas station being blown up. If you’re gonna roast hot dogs, now would be the time to do it. 

Godmonster of Indian Flats

Eventually GM is surrounded by cowboys on horseback, hog-tied and put on display for profit. As Mayor Silverdale whips the crowd into a frenzy, they turn on him — and Godmonster, too. Guilt by association. Apparently, the slow-leaking gas affects humans just as much. Think of it as farting times a million.

Godmonster of Indian FlatsGodmonster, caught in the middle of it all, ends up in the garbage dump. All he wanted to do was rock hard and ride free, but The Man wouldn’t let him. I think there is a lesson to be learned here. If only I knew what it was.

Seafood Slaughter

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Island Claws

Thank movie goodness the nearby nuclear power plant leaked 46,000 gallons of radioactive water into the sea. If it weren’t for that, we never would’ve had a plausible explanation for that house-sized sea crab going all King Kong on an unnamed island that has citizens, a nuclear power plant, dirt toads, a bar (state capital), drunk fishermen (see “bar”), and a biological lab experimenting on crabs to get them to grow bigger to help solve the world’s food shortage. (But what if you’re allergic to seafood? Best to fall back on fish-shaped candy bars.)

Island Claws

While things are going along swimmingly at the Crab Lab, hundreds of shelled pinchers are walking sideways out of the sea and into the surrounding jungle. Most are the size of Red Lobster’sCrispy Lobster and Waffles platter. (Only 1080 calories, in case you’re wondering.)

Island Claws

The crabs make daring day-time attack overtures, one on a bicycling, pretty young reporter researching a human interest story on the lab and their work. She ends up in the arms of the sun-bleached lab assistant, who wears shorts to work, but long pants to the seaside. Stylish, and yet oddly unpretentious.

Island Claws

The town bar’s banjo/piano player, who lives in a modified school bus, gets a bad case of the crabs, and, while using his banjo to beat on the hundreds of ‘em crawling into his humble abode, ends up setting his place on fire. An unseen giant something (probably a radioactive clam) turns over the bus. Burnt, pinched and smooshed. I hear there’s a job opening at The Half Shell drinketeria.

Island Claws

While this is going on, a boatload of Haitian refugees make shore and head for the woods — yet another place you can catch crabs. More crustacean attacks on people and property. Thinking it’s the Haitians committing that crimes, the whole town gets their angry-villager on to hunt and shoot them with bullet-powered guns.

Island Claws

The climax of the cheesy Island Claws (1980) takes place when the giant crab — roaring like a reverse sea lion — smashes houses (but thankfully only the window of the bar) and starts nut-crackering people in half. Moody, the bar’s owner, and the short shorts wearing lab dude crawl on top of the beast, and make stabbing happen. Didn’t catch the alpha crab’s name, so you’ll just have to call him “Alphy.”

Island Claws

So how come only one crab grew to the size of a Red Lobster restaurant and not all those hundreds of others that would look better on a menu than in your house? I’ll let you know after I boil a crab in radioactive water and submerse it in a spent fuel pool of nuclear-melted butter. I’m thinkin’ answers and yum.

Bigfoot’s Big Butte

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sasquatch Mountain

In Sasquatch Mountain (aka, Devil On The Mountain/2006) — his third role in a Sasquatch flick — the legendary Lance Henriksen is the go-to guy for movies about Bigfoot. They should just start calling him “Hairy and the Henriksen.” (OK, now THAT was pretty darn clever.) Lance, though, is way more cooler as a hardened mountain man than I would’ve been. Hard to sell yourself as a believable outdoorsman while wearing a KISS T-shirt that smells like Bounce™.

Sasquatch Mountain

A gang of bank robbers steal money from Lance’s small town bank and kill a cop in the process. Making a frantic getaway, they’re involved in a car crash with a supermodel with a low top who was making her getaway from a lousy marriage. The criminals take the supermodel hostage and head for the hills. Guess who lives there — Lance…and Sasquatch.

Sasquatch Mountain

The mythical (ahem) beast is the reason Lance’s wife was killed 12 years earlier. No one believed him, so he kinda became that guy who “saw a UFO” type dude. While the criminals run through the woods, so doth Sasquatch, snapping in half the good guys because hey, Sas can’t differentiate between those that point guns at him and those that flee.

Sasquatch Mountain

The cops follow and it turns into a stand-off until Sasquatch balances the scales of justice. Now the criminals and the cops have to work together to escape Sasquatch’s fuzzy wrath. Lots of character development with colorful dialogue. But it’s Lance who outshines them all. (He even calls one of the criminals “Pumpkinhead,” a tongue-in-cheek reference to his other mythical beast movie.)

Sasquatch Mountain

Sasquatch, though, is overly hairy and looks like a heavy metal King Kong, but not as tall. He has a great howl, that will make your butt hairs stand on end — your REAR end.

Sasquatch Mountain

Craig Wasson, who plays the lead criminal, hasn’t changed his hair since Nightmare on Elm Street III: Dream Warriors(1987) And that was 20 years ago. Then again, I haven’t changed my hair since birth. Sasquatch Mountain has its flaws (unlikely cop and criminal behavior patterns/situations), but hey, what Sasquatch movie doesn’t? Until I star in one, anyway.

Restored Zombies, Giant Animals, Predictable Slashers

Posted in Bigfoot, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the Living Dead

If you’re not doing anything on February 13, 2018, you can buy Criterion’s 4k digital restoration of Night of the Living Dead. Yeah, we’ve all seen the movie a billion times. But this one comes with new snazzy features, like the never-before-seen 16mm dailies reel, new programs about the editing, the score, and directing ghouls and an essay by film critic Stuart Klawans. There’s lots more, but this is already starting to feel like a to-do list.

While we impatiently wait to see YET ANOTHER repackage of the same movie we’ve seen a billion times, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies you that you may or may not watch a billion times…

American Bigfoot

AMERICAN BIGFOOT (aka, Kampout/available now)
“Enraged by the murder of it’s offspring, a Bigfoot rampages through the countryside of Southeast Ohio. Detective Benson, Ranger Thomas and Bigfoot researcher Hank scramble to locate the legendary creature before it attacks a group of teenagers on a camping trip in an isolated place called Kampout.”

Of course Bigfoot’s an American. So much so, I’m surprised his fur isn’t red, brown and blue. And whoever killed the Bigkid, deserves to taste the business end of an American boot.

The Strangers: Prey At Night

THE STRANGERS: PREY AT NIGHT (March, 2018)
“A family’s road trip takes a dangerous turn when they arrive at a secluded mobile home park to stay with some relatives and find it mysteriously deserted. Under the cover of darkness, three masked psychopaths pay them a visit to test the family’s every limit as they struggle to survive.”

Second verse, same as the first. Surprised as to why it’s taken 10 years to barf up a sequel. Not surprised that all they did was move the location and slap a limp biscuit of a title on it.

Rampage

RAMPAGE (April 20, 2018)
“The first privately owned space station is destroyed by a mysterious experiment done on board. Three canisters from the crash land on Earth. One lands in the gorilla enclosure at the San Diego Zoo, the other in the plains of Wyoming and the last one in the Florida Everglades. The Griffin Technologies Group, headed by two siblings, tries to destroy any evidence of wrongdoing before the government finds out. It’s too late because the canisters have infected a gorilla named George, a wolf in Wyoming and an alligator. They start evolving and growing exponentially. To cover their tracks, the Griffin idiots decide to unleash a beacon that will make all three large animals head toward one destination: their head office located in the Willis Tower in Chicago.”

A giant gorilla, wolf and alligator. King Kong and Crocosaurus should sue for face infringement. As for the giant forest dog, good luck finding a proportional fire hydrant.

Fantastic Beats: The Crimes of Grindelwald

FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD (November 16, 2018)
Grindelwald had escaped from the Wizard Cops and is preparing to build up his evil army. Young Dumbledore will enlist his favorite student, Newt, to help fight said army. Tragic and powerful Credence has possibly been turned to the dark side, though he seemed pretty annoyed when Grindelwald betrayed him.”

Another money-printing Harry Potter prequel. Too bad the press release just spoiled it by telling us Grindelwald got away from the Wizard Cops. I wanted to be the one to do it.

Illustrative UFOs, Recording Nightmares, Mobster Monsters

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFO Drawings From The National Archives

If you like books with pictures, then put UFO Drawings from the National Archives by author David Clarke on your f*cket list. Arriving February 27, 2018 (for a mere $25.00 hardcover on Amazon.com), UFO Drawings sky is loaded with hand-illustrated recreations of UFO sightings by real people who experienced them, many who have little to no artistic abilities/credibilities.

UFO Drawings From The National Archives

The book’s plaintive press release spins it like saucer: “Originally set up after a request from Winston Churchill, the Ministry of Defense’s UFO Desk ran for over 60 years, collating mysterious sightings and records of strange objects in the sky from observant, and sometimes imaginative, members of the public. As well as letters and official reports, the UFO files contain photographs, drawings and even paintings of these curious sightings.”

UFO Drawings From The National Archives

David Clarke has selected examples from The National Archives to present a history of British UFO art and the remarkable stories behind these images, including an alien craft on the A1, flying saucers over Hampstead, and a spaceship landing at a primary school in Macclesfield.”

Chicken in a Flying Saucer

The only things I can draw are curtains, bathwater and flies. Old joke, but dang, gold is gold. I could probably sketch a UFO, but would have to see one first as a point of reference. Sure, I’ve seen plenty of flying saucers. But to witness an actual unidentified flying object would be to live the dream.

While I throw YET ANOTHER bit coin into the clearly malfunctioning wishing well, here are a few just released and/or coming soon horror/sci-fi drama thrillers (i.e., made for TV) movies to illustrate the genre…

Scareycrows

SCAREYCROWS (available now)
“A trainee hairdresser discovers her boyfriend is keeping a dark secret. Soon her world crashes around her as the quiet seaside town where she was born is overrun by homicidal scareycrows.”

Scareycrows. That’s right up there with Mikey Myers and Badabdooky. What’s next — King Kongster?

Skybound

SKYBOUND (November 7, 2017/VOD)
“Five plane passengers are unable to land after a mysterious disaster happens on the ground, but they may be in worse danger than they thought when a stowaway is discovered on board carrying a dangerous secret.”

Yeesh – that’s enough to make a stewardess do some involuntary crop-dusting (Farting silently up and down the plane’s aisle.) I’m a fan of aircraft disaster movies (examples: The Horror at 37,000 Feet/1973, Flight of the Living Dead/2007, Altitude (2007), and don’t have a fear of flying. But I do have a fear of not flying.

InControl

INCONTROL (2018)
“A group of university students discover a device that allows them to take control of others and experience the world through someone else’s body. As they push the machine’s abilities to its limits, they don’t realize their own lives have been manipulated, and they descend into a nightmare with no return.”

Was this not the framework of 1995’s Strange Days and even 1984’s Dreamscape? In that one, it was all fun and games when someone recorded having themselves having sex and shared it with others. But when they put the recording device on a monkey’s head, things went doo-flinging crazy. For me, though, it was just another day.

Made Vicious

MADE VICIOUS (2018)
“Jim is a widower trying to raise his daughter while keeping the peace in a small town. While dealing with his debt to Victor, a mobster, a monster is awakened and begins to wreak havoc.”

Seems like they’re trying to cram too much into the plot here. I can help — “a monster is awakened and begins to wreak havoc.” Don’t bore us, get to the chorus.

Neighborhood Gorillas, Lady Krampus, Rappin’ Snakes

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

King Kong

Ammon Smith of Salt Lake City, Utah knows how to throw down for Halloween. This year he built — using wooden boxes, chicken wire, trash bags, black fabric and pool noodles (I don’t know what those are, but they sound cool) and paint — to create a massive King Kong Halloween display in his front yard. No word on whether or not he’s handing out screaming citizens instead of candy.

King Kong

With “Kong” clutching a Barbie doll and battling bi-planes, clearly, we all want Ammon, a 33 year-old woodworker, to live in our neighborhood. According to the Salt Lake Tribune, it took Ammon 80 to 100 hours to complete the ultimate Halloween yard decoration. That’s about how many hours a week I lay around watching monster movies. Just think of what I could create for my yard on Halloween if I got off my unmotivated booty instead of turning my couch into a Jell-O™ mold of my entire body. (The comfortable sitting device kinda looks like a pod from Invasion of the Body Snatchers/1956).

While we bask in our own jealousy that we didn’t do anything nearly as cool to commemorate Halloween, here are a few just released horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries to help pull us out of our collective shame spiral…

Haunters: Art of the Scare

HAUNTERS: ART OF THE SCARE (available now)
Haunters is a heart-warming and heart-stopping documentary about people who sacrifice everything to create the most popular and polarizing haunted houses for Halloween — from boo-scare mazes to a controversial new subculture of extreme terror experiences.”

Fun stuff, although I’m partial to real haunted houses with real ghosts, mostly because you don’t have to pay to get in. That, and there’s something kinda liberating to soil one’s britches in public after having the groceries scared outta you. Okay, I probably said too much.

Metalball Machine: Kodoku

MEATBALL MACHINE: KODOKU (available now)
“A lonely man’s life is thrown into chaos when alien parasites turn a city’s average citizens into kill-crazy cyborg creatures.”

If you saw Meatball Machine (2005), let’s just hope you’re not a vegetarian, otherwise this hyper-gory sequel might make you decorate your Old Navy™ shirt with recycled beef stroganoff.

Mother Krampus

MOTHER KRAMPUS (November 7, 2017/DVD)
“For the 12 days before the Christmas of 1921, children went missing near the local towns woods. A traumatized girl was found, but her mind had gone – she later died of her horrific injuries. Just before the Christmas of 1992, a further five children disappeared again. Their bodies were found in the same woods. Angry and seeking vengeance, the locals hung a woman they believed to be the killer. But before dying, she cursed the town that one day the Christmas Witch, Frau Perchta, would come for them to avenge her death. 25 years later, the story has become little more than a local myth. But as children start to go missing again, everyone begins to wonder if the tales of a curse might be true. This Christmas it’s not only the children that are in danger, it’s the adults too.”

A woman Krampus. Seems kinda redundant as lots of women (and me) turn into “monsters” when they get “crampuses” during certain periods (sorry) of their life. As for the plot, all they did was switch out the old woman (example: see Darkness Falls/2003 with the “tooth fairy” coming back for revenge) and let hilarity ensue.

Snake Outta Compton

SNAKE OUTTA COMPTON (2018)
“A young rap group suddenly finds themselves up against a giant, mutated snake that threatens to destroy their search for stardom. Aided by two corrupt cops, a crazed gangster, and a mad scientist, the band has one thing to do before getting the record deal they need; get that motherf**kin’ snake outta Compton! Prepare yourself for dope ass beats, unfriendly fire, and the biggest, nastiest snake you’ve ever seen in this outrageous satire of creature features, urban gangster films, and hip hop culture.”

Just when you think no one can come up with a snappy horror movie name. Snake Outta Compton might very well get title of the year. I just hope rap icon/legend Ice Cube makes a cameo.

This Snake Takes The Cake

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snakeman

Snakeman (aka, The Snake King) came out in 2005 on the SyFy™ Channel and starred/stars Stephen Baldwin, who always looks like he’s striking a pose in front of a mirror only he can see.

Snakeman

So I watched the Hindu dubbed version of Snakeman on YouTube™. (It was titled Anakonda vs. Kink Kong. There was no Kink Kong, but the snake did eat a kinky monkey, so there you go.) It’s so poorly overdubbed that when someone shoots at the seven-headed giant snake (located in the heart of the steamy Amazon (jungle, not the one-stop shopping place on the Internet with free delivery if you have a Prime™ account), you don’t hear the rifle blasts for a few seconds later. For some reason I found that to be quite entertaining.

Snakeman

Baldwin plays Matt Ford (had to look that up as I don’t quite grasp the nuances of Hindi linguistics), a helicopter pilot who leads a team of researchers deep into the snake-filled Amazon by way of crashing said helicopter. The group includes Dr. Susan Elters, who looks like a Canadian version of Kim Basinger. Most everybody is eventually swallowed whole by the snake, which is the size of a regular snake times one million. Again, quite entertaining.

Snakeman

So why was everybody gooning out in the jungle in the first place? Seems the Fountain of Youth might be there (it is) and everyone wants to get their unwashed hands on it. Meanwhile, warring natives (I call them “Junglonians”) throw spears and shoot arrows at everyone. Most the time they miss their target, but hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Snakeman

A rival helicopter shows up and a bunch of gunners try to get the youth juice for their own science profits. This is where the best scene happens. The meanest of the para-military guys is grabbed by both legs and arms by the snake and is handily (sorry) turned into a screaming torso. The biggest snake noggin leans down and nips the head off the still screaming guy as if snacking on M&Ms, where it melts in its mouth, not in its glands.

Watch the Hindu dubbed version of Snakeman, because sometimes understanding the dialogue just isn’t that important to the plot.