Archive for May, 2011

House of Purgatory

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , on May 30, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

House of PurgatoryYet another fun thing to do while drunk is go on Facebook™ and type in random search words, like “Butt-Face,” “Mr. Booger,” “Alien Licker” and “My Ex Is Doing It With Everyone I Ever Met In My Entire Life.” Sooner or later you’ll get some pretty funny results. One such word I typed in was “Hell” because everyone’s been there and I figured they had a lot of friends/likes. That led me to House of Purgatory, an indie horror film due out in fall of 2011. And since Facebook™ is a kind of a house of purgatory anyway, I figured what the hell.

House of PurgatoryHouse of Purgatory is a spooky horror movie with supernatural underpinnings that has four teenagers entering a haunted house to win a cash prize. After taxes, excise fees and transit surcharges, the prize weighs in at $37.00. Enough for a rack of Pabst Blue Ribbon™ and a pack of Slim Jims™ with enough left over for the penny tray. So hell yeah, I’ll go in the haunted house. And I’ll win, too.

But like all cool things for free, there’s a catch: the prize is on the top floor of the haunted house. There are seven floors. Nobody has ever made it to the top.

House of PurgatoryDumbasses. With the lure of enough cash to secure a fridge full of the good stuff, these idiots aren’t thinking linear. While they’ll all probably head for the stairs, I’d Spider-Man it up the outside of the H-house, crawl through an unlocked window as I’m certain no haunted house every locks anything, grab the loot and boot scoot to the nearest 7-Eleven ™ while everyone else dies a horrible screaming death.

Good. I wasn’t gonna share, anyway.

Paranormal Japanese Activities

Posted in Asian Horror, Ghosts with tags , on May 29, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

No. 32, B DistrictIt looks just like Paranormal Activity (2007), from the consumer cameras set up throughout an allegedly haunted living space to capture evidence of activities of the paranormal kind, to the same eerie blue night lighting to indicate some sheet-staining ghost action about to go down. But because the movie is filmed in Japan and is titled No. 32, B District, means it’s way different. Ahem.

No. 32, B DistrictOpening June 3rd, 2011 in Japan, No. 32, B District looks to stick their PIN number in the Paranormal Activity ATM using the exact same hooks that pulled $193,355,800 out of U.S. Coach™ bags and Tommy Hilfiger ™ wallets.

No. 32, B DistrictThe premise hasn’t been revealed, but you already know what it is: Strange noises and occurrences in and around the address of No. 32 in the otherwise haunted B District. The occupants set up video cameras to record what it is while sleeping off yet another sake binge. Sheets get pulled off. Doors shut by themselves. Lights go on and off without the benefit of a switching mechanism or The Clapper™. And something with surprisingly legible handwriting is leaving red-colored messages written on mirrors. (I don’t think it was tomato paste as it’s in Japan. Probably that Sriracha™ hot chili sauce, which is similar to spicy ketchup but not as heartburn-y.)

No. 32, B DistrictSeveral questions remain: Can they really call themselves filmmakers, or should they be referred to as photocopiers? Did the filmmakers hire Japanese ghosts, or are they using Paranormal Activity’s red, white and boo ghosts? How did the ghost, who is clearly invisible (that sounded weird), hold the writing utensil in order to impart the message from beyond? And the sheets that keep being pulled off the bed – are they affordable 500 thread count bedding you could find at the Daimaru department store, or are they the more luxurious 1000 thread count movie sheets?

I have to know these things before I shell out any more yen on re-baked Japanese ghost movies. (I’m looking in your direction Paranormal Activity 2: Tokyo Night/2010.)

Paranormal Activity 2: Tokyo Night

Sharks Go Shopping

Posted in Nature Gone Wild with tags on May 28, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

BaitBait, another in a long string of recent shark movies (Sand Shark, Swamp Shark, Psycho Shark, Snow Shark, Dinoshark, Super Shark, Sharktopus, Shark Night 3D, The Reef…what, no Space Shark?), pits people against predator…inside a grocery store. Before you slap your own face in disbelief, it’s true. People at a supermarket are being threatened by a criminal with a gun when a tsunami floods the store, trapping them all inside. The resulting flooding paves the way for a pack of tiger sharks to swim right into the market where they pick up a few things for dinner.

Nothing that cool ever happens in my local grocery store. The only thing that even compares is sometimes they’ll have 20% off on shampoo and Navy beans.

BaitWhile Bait (done in 3D, which is way overkill), the tsunami angle was done in 2009’s Malibu Shark Attack. A giant waves takes out the crowded L.A. beach and floods lifeguard outhouses and a nearby construction site. Goblin sharks (that look comically dorky) get indoors and cause a modicum of damage. (Sorry…word-of-the-day calendar.) Ingeniously, those not as yet gobbled by the Goblin sharks utilize the construction site’s power tools to fight back. So now it looks as though a Black & Decker™ reciprocating saw now has 1,001 uses. Before it was just 1,000. I felt compelled to point that out.

Malibu Shark AttackStill, sharks in a grocery store is pretty cool. I don’t know about you, but I’d totally crap my pants sideways if I went shopping and there was a shark in there doing the same thing. Although it’d be visually funnier if there was me with my cart full of shampoo and Navy beans, and in the shark’s cart there were people. Man, that’d be hilarious.

Malibu Shark Attack

Vampire Girls Gone Wild

Posted in Vampires with tags on May 27, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

We Are The NightNormally when one thinks of a chick vampire, it’s usually that of an ornately dressed skank in black with the money region of her boobs popping out of her matching top and attacking your field of vision. And she’s adorned with gaudy jewelry that looks like a Superbowl ring designed by Dracula and sporting a fang-filled smile that also serves as an invitation to permanent foreplay.

But what if the chick vampire was Maxim hot, had a tramp stamp tattoo on her upper butt that read: “This Way To The Bat Cave” and drank Bloody Larrys? And what if she had friends who were equally as hot and equally as dead? Such is the premise of We Are The Night, which stars several chick vein-suckers who “hide out in the city’s alternative clubs, enjoying the luxury and pleasures their attained immortality provides.”

We Are The NightI don’t know who thought of this, but I’d like to offer to wash his car for free. Just the movie poster alone is enough to put the party on the launch pad, though women who can walk upside down on ceilings usually goons me out.

I’m really hopin’ the chick vampires show their boobs in this movie.

Ghosts Aplenty

Posted in Ghosts with tags on May 26, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The UnleashedThe first time I saw a ghost I said, “What up, dude?” The ghost didn’t answer back. Trying to be friendly, I said, “So, like, where’d they bury your body?” Total silence. You should’ve seen the look on his face, though, when I asked to borrow some bus change. You would’ve thought I killed him and stuffed his body in an oil drum down by the river. Ghosts are total dicks.

The only reason I bring up a**hole ghosts is that there are two new poltergeist movies coming out, one called The Unleashed and the other Italian Ghost Stories, which is actually five ghost stories in one. So if one sucks, the odds are good that something out of the next four will rock the house.

Italian Ghost StoriesIn The Unleashed, some hot chick and her friends use a Ouija board to make a collect call to the dead. A ghost accepts the charges, comes out and possesses someone. Then special effects occur.

In Italian Ghost Stories, five different directors spin five different spooky tales. Don’t know the plots of each story, but I’m guessing ghosts are somehow involved. I don’t know when it comes out because I can only speak a couple things in Italian, one being “I’m così potabile” (I’m SO drunk).

At any rate, I hope the ghosts in these movies are nicer than the ones I run into. Those tools need a lesson in civility.

37th Annual Saturn Awards

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , on May 25, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Saturn AwardsIt’s that time of the year again where the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films nominates, then glory-holes genre films released since the last time they did it. While many of 2010’s nominees were a joke (The Twilight Saga: New Moon – I still throw up in my mouth a little every time someone mentions those movies), it looks like someone with half a clue is behind the nominations for the 37th Annual Saturn Awards.

Here are this year’s nominees (I’m still not in here for best anything, dang it), with the winners being announced in June, 2011…

BEST SCIENCE FICTION FILM
HEREAFTER (Warner Bros.)
A guy who can communicate with the dead. How is that science fiction? Ghosts are fact, man.

INCEPTION (Warner Bros.)
Entire cities that fold over onto themselves? That is so friggin’ cool! I wish my apartment could do that.

IRON MAN 2 (Paramount/Marvel)
As good as the first one, but with more explosions. I totally gotta get me one of those iron suits. Then I could fly over my neighbor’s house and throw rocks at his roof ’n stuff.

NEVER LET ME GO (Fox Searchlight)
Scientists grow clones in the lab to use for spare parts. While Frankenstein has been doing that for years (with mixed results), watching this one is a hard kick in the test tube.

SPLICE (Warner Bros.)
Science splices DNA to create a bald, super hot chick with rat legs and a stingray tail. Is it so wrong that I’m biologically attracted to this new life-form?

TRON: LEGACY (Walt Disney Studios)
Tron was the first Matrix, taking us into a computerized video game world where future people threw face-disintegrating pie pans at each other. I can’t tell you how long and far I’ve searched for those pie pans to throw at my neighbor.

BEST HORROR
THE AMERICAN (Focus)
A story about a paid assassin. I’m confused – I thought this was the horror category. There was not one vampire or creature from beyond in this movie. And yet some dumbass nominated it. In this category. Dumbass.

BLACK SWAN (Fox Searchlight)
Rekindled my interest in classical dancing, it did.

KICK-ASS (Lionsgate)
Regular people taking on the role of superheroes. Great movie. Wrong category.

LET ME IN (Overture/Relativity Media)
A young vampire girl and a young regular boy discover their burgeoning love is not in vein.

SHUTTER ISLAND (Paramount)
Rekindled my interest in psychotic schizophrenic behavior, it did.

THE WOLF MAN (Universal)
A good werewolf film. Not a great werewolf film. The Wolf Man looked pretty cool, though. I bet he’d be crazy fun to party with.

BEST FANTASY FILM
ALICE IN WONDERLAND (Walt Disney Studios)
Drug addicts watch this movie to kick their habits.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER
(20th Century Fox)
No.

CLASH OF THE TITANS (Warner Bros.)
Awesome monsters, but the characters seemed more interested in posing and pontificating than screaming and uncontrollable peeing.

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART 1 (Warner Bros.)
Dark stuff, with people, owls and elves dropping like flies. But hey, that Ginny Weasley is really starting to ripen on the vine.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD (Universal)
Didn’t see it.

TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE (Summit Entertainment)
Couldn’t pay me to see it.

Night Of The 3D Sharks

Posted in Nature Gone Wild with tags on May 24, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shark Night 3DShark Night 3D, while not the most inspired title for a shark movie, is expected to arrive sometime this year. Maybe after the tide comes in. I simply do not know. But after reading about the movie’s plot, I’m am sickened speechless: A group of college kids vacationing at a lake in the Louisiana Gulf, are attacked by sharks. Oh. My. God. That is so disgusting and depraved as to be socially immoral.

Shark Night 3DFirst, what did the college kids do to deserve this fate? With Pepsodent™ smiles and dreams of becoming tomorrow’s leaders, they had their whole lives in front of them. Now they’re just educated raw hamburger.

Why couldn’t the filmmakers use criminals as bait? People who disregard the law and flip off cops using their middlest of fingers most certainly deserve being judged and juried by an ocean full of apex predators.

Shark Night 3DBut if you’re gonna do a movie about sharks, the good and bad will both need to be flossed out of an assembly line of meat shredders. Other than that, there really is no need for a plot. In fact, the script should read like this: Some people go into the lake. Some people do not come out of the lake. In-between that, screaming, bleeding and the polluting of water.

The makers of movies like Shark Night 3D are just lucky I never tire of this scenario.

Shark Night 3D